So, today I decided to try meditation again, for the first time in years. It has usually never worked for me but decided to give it a try since my mental state was in disarray after quitting meds.

I listened to a guided mindfulness audio file. Putting all of the mental experiences inside of your sphere of awareness, and simply observing them, something I had already learned to do on my previous tries. But this time, when the session ended, I did something different. Instead of "ending the session", I opened my eyes, and stood up, trying to remain in that state of awareness as I went about my day. And something clicked finally.

I walked around my house feeling not that I am inside the house, but that the house is inside my awareness. There was a half sphere of visual data around me, and an infinite darkness of non visual sensations, such as my body, sounds, and also thoughts. I was observing them all, from the outside, as they emerged and disappeared. I could guide my attention towards any of those sensations, inside this dimension of experience that I was now soaring above of.

Then I wondered, could I do some unpleasant chore, while still being in that state of awareness? And indeed, I could. Reality was now just a window on the wall of my consciousness, that I could look into, or look away from if I didn't want the experience. If before, experience (be it suffering, joy, boredom, impatience, or any other feeling) was like being on the street: within the state of experience, and unable to escape, now it was like looking at the street from the inside: simply observing the experience, whatever it may be, impartially and unperturbed.

And so the same with doing. I was no longer doing things that were unpleasant, or boring, or joyful and addictive. I was simply observing my body doing the actions. I could meditate on the feeling of doing the actions, or of thoughts appearing as I do, or of anything else, but I was never "bored", or "displeased". I was simply observing boredom and displeasure happening to my body. And the body continued with the actions. Just as you may recognize that the street sweeper outside is doing unpleasant work, and observe him, without also "becoming" the street sweeper, without being engulfed and consumed by his experience, I could now simply observe my body experiencing things, without the experience consuming me.

Reality was now not on the inside, but a collection of phenomena on the inside, some good, some bad, but all safely at a distance, instead of close by and ready to swallow me. Thoughts would pop up inside of the sphere of my awareness, some good, some bad, I could dwell on them if I wanted to, or I could cast them aside and become aware of something else.

Turns out, meditation is not like going to the gym. You can not meditate 30 minutes a day and then expect your mind to heal on its own while you are not meditating. You must, indeed, meditate all the time. There is nothing special about sitting, or breathing. You can meditate on the feeling of walking. On the feeling of seeing images change as you turn your head. On the feeling of the water running along the surface of your hands as you wash the dishes. Even on pain. You do not need any special environment or place or anything in order to meditate. You do not need to worry about being distracted or uncomfortable. During my meditation session, the neighbor one floor up was drilling something. In fact he was doing that all morning and all day. I was not annoyed, it did not distract me. Just how I was aware of my breathing, my hands, legs, my thoughts, I was also simply aware of the drilling. Being distracted is simply the unpleasant state of being pulled out of another (perhaps pleasant) state. But you can not be pulled out of something, if you were never in it in the first place. You can not be distracted from awareness. You are aware of the "distraction" entering your consciousness, just as you are aware of whatever it was that you were doing.

I long theorized of this state (and posted them in my diary and on EC), the separation between thoughts, experiences, and the observer self being aware of those experiences, but never part of them. But theorizing is not the same as being. This time, I was being it. I also theorized a lot and longed for attaining "meaning", or finding some kind of "revelation" that would let me enter a state of bliss. The solution was, in fact, the opposite. Not to traverse the dark forest of thought and feeling, trying to find something that you are not sure of what it is, or whether it exists. You would get lost, and I did. The solution was, in fact, to simply soar above the forest. Look at it, appreciate it, but never get lost in it.

This desire to find a blissful state of fulfillment was, in fact, the cause of my suffering. Some say that meditation is a way to escape suffering. That is true, but it is also a way to escape joy. When people think about "escaping suffering", they usually think about where to escape the suffering TO. And the answer they have is joy. When you are in joy, you are not in suffering. But the answer is to not run from suffering into joy, but to let them happen as they do, while you the self are not "in" them, but they are in you, being observed.