/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 10065 Systemkontra
322 kB, 1920 × 1200
Since previous one systemkontra'd.

So, conquerer of all russia from previous threada, do you have some vision, ideology, or goal? Or you just waked up and after some histry books thought that you want to be A LEADER and make something GREIT again? I ask since I sometimes have feelings kinda like that for myself but it obvious that all this is just meme dreams.
No. 10066
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A pinch and a punch for the first day of the month!
No. 10076
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It's finally warm inside the house.

I thought I had poetry to learn for today (7 verses), but instead it'll be part of another text next week.
I still wanted to refer from the 7 verses, so I talked to the teacher after class. It fell apart completely by the 6th, which I'd consider a failure, but she said I did quite well, considering I've learnt half of them that day.

I had a test where I had to read primary historical sources and write an essay based on them. It wasn't mandatory to hand it in, but I decided to trust myself and do it. I hope it'll be a nice mark that basically required no effort.

On the literary front I still have 5 pages to translate. Haven't had much time because of schoolwork and I'd rather take an extra hour to study for a test at the library than to work on a "leisure project" that lends me no benefits in short term.

I've also found out that some obscure press released a copy of von Eschenbach's Parzival some 14 years ago, but it was so obscure that not even the antiquaries have it. And they still sell it on their website, so I've asked them in an e-mail and they still have copies of it. Strangely enough, despite being a release by a no-name publisher, the translator is famous.
I'll be able to get my hands on some money by Wednesday, so I'll be snagging a copy of this forgotten gem, because who knows if I'll ever find a thing like it again. Most probably not. The only proof that it even exists is on the publisher's site, strangely enough.
No. 10079
1,4 MB, 2340 × 4160
Dear diary, today I got Rick rolled irl.
No. 10084
Ha ha funny
I always walk near abadoned construction yard with full scale mulder and scully graffiti done in same style.
No. 10085
55 kB, 604 × 299
Some kind of an old meme pro lives in my area and spray paints them on every wall. I've seen like 100 different pedobears drawn literally everywhere by this nutter. I feel like I live in a crazy meme land.
No. 10086
143 kB, 600 × 600
Aren't memeland in Litva?
No. 10087
A small change of plans, because I won't be getting any money tomorrow. I can't buy the book then.
I feel strangely sad and weak now. And I don't think it's because the money thing. My stomach feels weak.
No. 10088
That place has 0 memes. I was there so I know. They have dolphin shows tho and a beach town nearby.
No. 10119
The window of being sure is short.

When I'm on meds, I forget what it feels like to be depressed. "forget" doesn't even do it justice. I become unable to even conceptualize the experience. It's like asking someone what it feels like to be a duck: impossible to even imagine.

Same for when I am depressed: I can not conceptualize what it feels like to be on meds.

It bothers me because it feels like I'm constantly losing a part of myself. And the frustrating thing is that when I'mon meds, I'm too content/indifferent to create art about my schizo condition. When I am depressed, I am too disfunctional and lethargic to put in the work.

Funny thing, the only thing that I can do while depressed is sing. I sing sad songs when I'm depressed, and my neighbors probably hate me. Unfortunately, I took the wrong artistic career path. Well, I couldn't afford an instrument at an early age anyway, or music lessons for that matter. I want to buy a midi keyboard on my next paycheck and see how far I go with it.

Painting feels me with an immense sense of responsibility for what I am about to create, which leads to anxiety, which leads to procrastination. Music, on the other hand, is just therapeutic and meditative as a process. You can just lose yourself in it, the conscious mind takes a backseat. Unlie painting, which is quite cerebral, and the act of stimulating my rational mind to such a degree simply opens up the pandora's box of maggot shit that is my consciousness.
No. 10124
>Music, on the other hand, is just therapeutic and meditative as a process. You can just lose yourself in it, the conscious mind takes a backseat. Unlie painting, which is quite cerebral, and the act of stimulating my rational mind to such a degree simply opens up the pandora's box of maggot shit that is my consciousness.

Hm. While I've never experienced it myself, I've read in an otherwise quite good book on drawing that the key is to let the auto pilot take over, get "in the zone" and draw what you see without your conscious interjecting. And there are tricks to get into that state that I have succesfully experienced like looking at images upside-down etc.
The book is called 'Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain' by Betty Edwards. I'm almost certain we already talked about it at some point. So I might just be misinterpreting what you are saying.
No. 10127
Entering the zone is not necessarily about drawing what you see, drawing what you see is simply a skill necessary to separate mental vision from physical vision. But drawing what you see is the easiest way to enter the zone, since it requires no conscious thought. You can enter the zone drawing from imagination as well, provided you are skilled enough to do so without actively thinking.

It's similar with music. You don't often enter the zone while composing, but performing what you already know puts you in the zone almost immediately.

I'm not much into representative art, though, so I rarely do live drawings, mostly as exercise. And the only thing I'm skileld enough to draw from imagination without thinking is space marines and zombies, which I am quite ashamed of :--DDDD

Painting something "serious" requires acute awareness from me. Unfortunately, awareness is mentally painful for me, for whatever reason. It's why I'm so much into escapism.

I intend to fix that, though. Painful activities become automatic activities after a lot of practice. It's getting through that hurdle that is the hardest part.

t. used to fall asleep doing my boring job, but after a month now do it without thinking
No. 10133
Ah, I get it now. I guess one step towards painting in the zone while still constructing from imagination would be to first do a sketch of what you intend to create, study the sketch for a while and then just paint your mental image of the sketch without consciously making decisions.

Meh, I should start drawing again. Half a year ago you provided me with a video series on figure drawing and I managed to get halfway into the second lecture before being a lousy quitter. I know that hurdle you speak of all too well.
No. 10137
Had a very vivid and stressful dream the second night in a row today. Before I didn't dream for four nights or so because I was drugged but even before that I didn't dream in the long sober time or at least could not remember the dreams. Having dreamed intensely often gets me into a quite nihilistic state of mind, especially when the dream was very emotional. Tonight's dream was very stressful but had a happy and fulfilling end, which sadly occured just before waking up but at least it happened.

Starting into a new side-job today, I already know that it will be soul-draining, boring, exhaustive and long but I'm not afraid of that. But well, at least I get some money. What I'll have to do is washing dishes with industrial machines, I have no odea what exactly I will have to do.
No. 10138
No. 10139
I wonder if my chronic tonsilitis (tonsil stones) caused my schizo.

My recovery from schizo strangely coincides with my self treatment of tonsilitis, and also strong flu fever last year.

Or it's just schizo pattern matching.

>psychotherapeutic tonsillectomy
Sounds ebin
No. 10145
Even if correlation implied causation you're misapplying cause and effect. It could well be that it's due more to an infection. Tonsil stones are basically just hardened pus. It means your body is working overdrive to rid yourself of an infection. That with the flu makes it sound more like an immune system thing. Also, bone marrow is what creates white and red blood cells.
No. 10180
Is beaches on baltics nice?
No. 10182
no. cold and baby mode "waves". Go Mediterranean or go home
No. 10202
215 kB, 314 × 318
Had a pretty average day.
Apparently the History essay I wrote and handed in was really good, got the best possible grade.
Had a pretty good day over all, but I was really tired, so when I came home I slept for 6 hours.

I get really depressed when I'm not sleeping enough.

Also on the way home I bought an illustrated pocket edition of Pushkin's Jevgeniy Onegin. It was less than a euro.
No. 10203
Good job on the essay. Just relax a little and enjoy your accomplishment.
No. 10205
30 kB, 400 × 307
>bye, things have changed too much for my taste-
As we say it here
"Не возвращайся никогда"
No. 10212
2,4 MB, 2550 × 3300
So I've compiled a bunch of sources I need to get for my research and the most important one is just shy of AU$200. It looks so good, over 900 pages of autismal goodness. I suffer being a broke historian.

inb4 people say that the New Mexico Campaign is boring. Sure there weren't battles with tens of thousands of men, but I'm approaching it as a study in Civil War logistics and there is no better case study. Plus there is something quite incredible about the fact that an unincorporated territory like Colorado could muster 4000 Union Volunteers as well as militia companies. It wasn't bushwhacking that was happening out there just because it wasn't war on the horrendous scale that the East had.
No. 10214
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Seems interesting.
You seem to be well informed on the topic, are there any interesting things I can look up on southern guerilla groups operating under federal occupation? The few pieces I read on this were overly dramatized articles, that didn't help me get a clear understanding of the south under military occupation.
No. 10215
I'm not super informed on the guerillas. Interesting ones were John Hunt Morgan and John S. Mosby but they were operating in Union territory. Very interesting were the Loudoun Rangers, a partisan group from Loudoun County, Virginia and the only Union unit from that state. In the deep south, you could look at the first half of Sherman's March to the Sea where the rebels were placing land mines as they retreated (stopped after they realised Sherman had started marching the rebel prisoners in front of his infantry column).

The biggest problem finding guerilla groups is that by the time the Union is retaking the Southern States, the food situation throughout the Confederacy is dire and any guerilla forces that were active were really just bandits that hit their own people for food as much as the enemy for disruption. Even the regular troops with a wagon train were operating with I believe it was a quarter of the rations that the Union troops had and still had to march as much as they did so ended up being below the starvation line for much of '64-'65. Lee even had to reduce the amount of artillery he had because he couldn't feed the horses (and even ended up needing to use horsefeed to feed his men).
No. 10240 Kontra
How can a small town produce a fucking traffic jam is beyond me.
I’ve been travelling into the city for a bloody hour now, listening to the most asinine conversations humanly possible.
It’s killing me. Why can’t vernacular be a pretty language?
No. 10257
Why not listen to some audiobooks on the drive? Or music.
No. 10259
Almaty fucking sucks when it comes to transportation.

I leave the house at 9 AM for work because leaving earlier means you'll be stuck for 2 hours. Taking buses is a drag, so I spend 1/3 of my paycheck on cabs.

It's actually about the cost of a 1 room apartment next to the office. I am considering moving out :-DDD
No. 10264
I usually read a book, but they were talking so loud on a crowded bust that I just couldn't concentrate. People here usually don't talk while riding the bus.

I'm starting to believe that there is no lower form of language than how teenage girls speak it, save for when someone is mentally impaired.
No. 10266
You are driver or you in public transport?
No. 10267
>People here usually don't talk while riding the bus.
Ah, the bus. Well, You can play video games on your phone, watch videos, listen music or whatever.
No. 10269
>I'm starting to believe that there is no lower form of language than how teenage girls speak it, 
This is a great fetish of mine. I love it when they talk in vulgar ways while wearing their slutty outfits. Writing does it to, there are certain words german teenage girls use like "nh" which basically is some weird new version of "ne" as in "eine". It's a refreshing contrast to the highly aesthetical prose I usually read. Isn't it hilarious how the most beautiful creatures on our world often have the most dull and ugly language?
No. 10270
Anyway, I'm home now. Only had one proper class today. I was totally late for the math class because of a traffic jam, and I decided to fuck ethics and just talk with the librarian for 40 extra minutes. This turned out okay, because she's an ethics teacher too, and apparently the class was sort of cancelled because the teacher said "Fuck it, I have a migraine, do whatever you want".
So in essence, I actually got a free class.

I'm also done with translating the full text. No more remaining pages to look at. I'm done. Now comes the reworking. I need to edit a lot of expressions and numbers throughout the text, not to mention some grammatical changes.
It feels so weird that it's almost over. Two years of doing something, two years, and it's about to completely end.

Judging by my estimates, I'm roughly an euro short of getting that weirdly obscure copy of Parzival.

It's smooth sailing mostly. Tomorrow I'll get to know the damage I've done with that physics test. Probably a passing grade, or something mediocre like that.
No. 10271
> Isn't it hilarious how the most beautiful creatures on our world often have the most dull and ugly language?
William Shakespeare's vocabulary has been estimated by the experts at
twelve thousand words. The vocabulary of a Negro from the Mumbo Jumbo tribe
amounts to three hundred words.
 Ellochka Shukin managed easily and fluently on thirty.
Here are the words, phrases and interjections which she fastidiously
picked from the great, rich and expressive Russian language:
 1. You're being vulgar.
2. Ho-ho (expresses irony, surprise, delight, loathing, joy, contempt
and satisfaction, according to the circumstances).
 3. Great!
4. Dismal (applied to everything-for example: "dismal Pete has
arrived", "dismal weather", or a "dismal cat").
 5. Gloom.
6. Ghastly (for example: when meeting a close female acquaintance, "a
ghastly meeting").
 7. Kid (applied to all male acquaintances,  regardless of age or social
 8. Don't tell me how to live!
9. Like a babe ("I whacked him like a babe" when playing cards, or "I
brought him down like a babe," evidently when talking to a legal tenant).
11. Fat and good-looking (used to describe both animate and inanimate
 12. Let's go by horse-cab (said to her husband).
13. Let's go by taxi (said to male acquaintances).
14. You're all white at the back! (joke).
15. Just imagine!
16. Ula (added to a name to denote affection-for example: Mishula,
 17.  Oho!  (irony,  surprise,  delight,  loathing,  joy,  contempt  and
 The  extraordinary  small  number  of  words  remaining  were  used  as
connecting links between Ellochka and department-store assistants.
No. 10272
Personally I find it disgusting and tiresome for a multitude of reasons.
They use overly simplistic sentences even compared to regular living speech, and then they string these sentences into one big run-on sentence where they repeat constantly "I said", and then they also tell "funny stories" where they haven't even said the funny part (Which is usually just a swearword they themselves don't retell without numbing it), yet they are gasping for air, trying to say the thing at the same time.
The biggest problem is, their stories aren't interesting.
"You know I have this classmate, XY and she did hahaha Z haha z you know z hhahazhha"
They don't establish the characters beyond their names. It's just X did Y and we laughed.
And sometimes they "bite off" the end of words, so "Well because that - Hát Mert azért" becomes "Há' me' azé'"

Irritating, unsophisticated and ugly. I actually made sure to compare it on the metro to a male conversation. That was primitive too, with a somewhat simplified pronunciation, but the sentences were more complex, and the themes didn't involve just persons, but events too, which were independent of people in their little retellings.

Though it'd be fun to play around with this overly dumb level of speech in a play for example.
No. 10275
506 kB, 1270 × 800
Oh boy, what do we have here's :-DDDDDD
No. 10276
The shit camera quality is starting to annoy me, tbh. Seriously, it's worse than my 10 year old lumix

The next camera tier on xiaomi phones was twice as expensive, and the actual decent cameras start at like $350 bucks or so.

I suffer as visual artist with bad camera.
No. 10277
I cracked and decided to buy a pack of cigs last week having not bought anything to smoke in nearly a year. It would've been easy but because of government I had to buy a pack of 20 (no 10 packs allowed). Of course that meant smoking the whole pack in a few days because you can't just have cigarettes sitting in your drawer all lonely.

So now it's like being back to square one on quitting but as I'm still waiting on my security clearance I can't keep myself occupied beyond paranoia and anxiety. I suffer.

Fug, I know your suffering with having to purchase niche academic works. Looking it up though it appears to be on Project Muse but I don't have access anymore. Maybe you could ask on a larger board for it.
No. 10278
That feel when $1.5 for a pack of 20.

t. pack a day
No. 10290
Can't you just get one off someone on the street? You can buy a couple from anyone or beg if you have to.
No. 10297
Oh dog. Here we go.
No. 10304
Try varenicline or vaping.

It's pretty awkward and you end up looking like a bum. It's actually way harder to get cigarettes these days, plus they're more expensive so while I remember back in the day strangers bumming them now you have to give someone a dollar for a cigarette, if you can even find someone smoking outside. Plus idk the whole attitude of the country has changed over the past several years. There's just this sense of selfishness and malice I got from people and this was before the election. So it's not just about the price. I've seen things like this one poor guy asked a woman for a cigarette at a bus stop a few years ago and she was just bitchy and turned her back to him, then I see her pull out a brand new pack she hadn't even taken the wrapper off of. It used to be in this country that you could see people being kinda friendly and bumming a cigarette from strangers. I never ever see this anymore. Everyone just has this fucked up "I got mine and fuck everyone else" attitude now. I don't think it's accurate to blame it on Trump. I think the whole reason Trump even got that far was a direct result of whatever this toxic mood is that settled on the country.

Maybe it's different in Britain but that's just how things are here. Oddly enough the least unfriendly people on the street are black people. I don't know why this is but when I'm at a bus stop, there'll still be like an old black lady, or black people talking politics, and they're usually chill and friendly. Everyone else is a rude fucking cunt to everybody, white, Mexican, Asian, man, woman, all I see now is a general trend of cuntbaggery.

>here we go
Aside from it being Spring not Fall, don't you guys not even have deciduous trees down there?
No. 10307
Context: The brick has demonstrated a willingness to and indeed a joy in starting fires from piles of leaves. I believe the joke was that he's found an enormous pile to set alight.
No. 10309
Oh fuck sorry I'm retarded and didn't make the connection
No. 10326
Awesome book but I dunno if anybody readed it here.
No. 10340
>I never ever see this anymore. Everyone just has this fucked up "I got mine and fuck everyone else" attitude now. I don't think it's accurate to blame it on Trump. I think the whole reason Trump even got that far was a direct result of whatever this toxic mood is that settled on the country.

My ciggie distribution logistics are based on an assessment of how likely it is that this person is a fellow smoker who simply forgot his cigs/doesn't have 5€ on him.
If the person appears homeless, or simply appears to be the sort of person who makes begging for cigarettes his modus operandi, I will withold the nicotine sticks. I also refuse to give cigarettes to women in hookup places, since they purposely do not purchase cigarettes, being well aware that they can always get one off some random schmuck.
It seems most people like me have a similar doctrine for the most part.
No. 10348
No because I have standards, self-worth and acquiring cigarettes isn't the problem.

I've have a vape but it's just not the same. You don't get that big hit or the joy of breaking the day up with a cigarette break. Only thing to do is suffer.

And stop imposing yourself on other peoples lives you-you quasi-scouser. Nothing worse than when you buy a fresh pack of cigarettes and some untermensch starts hassling you for one like they've got the fucking right.
No. 10349
Eh, it was a wee bit back. I'm more in the wrong for assuming everybody would remember the standing joke that exists in another thread at this point.
No. 10353
You guys are pretty stuck up, huh.

t. cigarette bummer and cigarette giver

>If I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette
>Then I'd have enough cigarettes to last me through the day
No. 10354
I have never asked for a cigarette, but I've bought about 3. I just think it's better than buying a whole pack.
I could never just ask for a cigarette for free.
No. 10356
Well, another week ist vergangen. The Friday was pretty uneventful.
Got a good grade from literature, and I've also been told that my physics test was a mark 3 out of five, which qualifies it for the title "Mediocre".
The teacher told me quite literally that it was "shit" and I should be ashamed for making so many mistakes. It's Unworthy of me.
Also told me that my writing looks like as if I had neurosis.
Still a lot better than the usual grade 2 or 1 I open my years with.

I also decided to learn Chinese characters while the library has no operational computers. It'll also help me build discipline, and help establis a healthier learning regime overall.
I'll edit my translation at home at the weekends.

Been listening and re-listening Shostakovich's 7th Symphony. It's really good. I think I've found my next favourite composer after Mahler.
No. 10357
Why are you smoking? You will smell like shit, oftent need break your time and attention to do smoke, you have addiction to it, you spend hell lot of monies on it and there no single positive things about it - at least from drugs you have some effect, there effet is same as you start breathe traffic fumes.

I will not say anything about obvious damage to health since how kill yourself depend on person and different peole have different impact from it - some smoke and still live to 100 years, and I has no problem with it
No. 10358
Self treatings of ADHD since no ritalin on the kazakhstan
No. 10359
>Why are you smoking?

Because I am a degenerate addict.
No. 10360
>there no single positive things about it
Nicotine has some results in the brain similar to caffeine, it has certain uses and it actually not that bad.
No. 10361
That's why I just chew nicotine gum to get the benefits of nicotine while avoiding the harms of smoking

t. 140 IQ person
No. 10362
I did the sames, but with vaping instead but stopped. Is it cheap and/or enjoyable? Any brands you can advise?
No. 10367
It tastes like shit and is tremendously expensive.

t. other
No. 10368
I just realized how the same applies to smoking and had a giggle.

t. IQ 94 rolled cig smoker
No. 10371
I once was involved in the manufacture of bath bombs (citric acid, baking soda, colours and oils EZPZ). I thought it a good idea to mix some high percentage nicotine vape juice (the type you dilute) by a few drops into one. That bath almost killed me.
No. 10383
I've bummed out way more cigarettes in my life than I've ever bummed from others. There are many reasons for this but one is I just plain don't like being dependent on the uncertainty of asking anyone else for one or possibly going into withdrawal so I try to make doubly sure I always have them. Besides which your hideous attitude is a very good indication of exactly what I mean and what I have observed in society. Although, people stopped asking me for cigarettes eventually too. Maybe this overall cuntbag approach is an anglo thing.
No. 10390
Nicotine is a wonder drug as far as what it does to your body. My favourite benefits are it's anti-anxiety, creative and dexterity properties that can turn you into a functional human being. In addition the ritual is a great way to meet people and have an excuse to chat.

Don't take it up because you'll never stop but stuff is addictive for a reason and in that nicotine is (apparently) harder to kick than heroin.

You don't have a right to other peoples things. It's not a hard to grasp why people take offence to strangers expecting they can get something out of you and it's not an exclusively anglo thing.

The reason people are less tolerant of it these days is that a 20 pack of camel is now $15 here. Put that in the context of how long you have to work for it and handing them out will turn anyone into Victorian stereotype.
No. 10398 Kontra
btw didn't mean to attack you personally sorry
No. 10399
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Amanita muscaria var. guessowii

No. 10400
Rated but I don't know anything about mushrooms so I can't give a real rating.
No. 10402
Rated. They look kinda like pantherina to me.
No. 10405
124 kB, 1366 × 768
>Another episode of “Let’s rearrange the livingroom furniture, Ernst”
No. 10406
1,2 MB, 1116 × 1080
Another weekend spent at work while rich cunts party it out in the city center. At least I have the whole place to myself and I already turned up the music to Max and ordered pizza. I'm gonna have my party.
No. 10412
93 kB, 1870 × 2970
Drawing fake Office key cards for priting.

We're going to sell them as originals until Microsoft law team busts us and puts us in jail :-DDDD
No. 10413
>I have the whole place to myself and I already turned up the music to Max and ordered pizza

Honestly sounds comfy as fuck and you get paid for it.
No. 10414
What is the cost price per code if you get them in bulk? I see people selling them on ebay too.
No. 10415
Can I join? But I not like anime.

I think that Niccotine effect so little it can't be compared to drugs that slighlty more powerfull, even classic weed make much more powerfull efects that you even can't compare, most of nicotine things is just most probably placebo also. Not a great price for spend hell lot of monies on it and smell like shit. Well I will never try it properly anyway since I have asthma. But it interesting to see how many Ernsts are smokers - I thought nuber of smokers decreacing over the years, at least in europe and first world overall.
No. 10416
>I think that Niccotine effect so little it can't be compared to drugs that slighlty more powerfull,
You can't smoke weed very often everyday (although I try). Especially if you have a high stress job.
I think that there are more smokers of things other than tobacco than tobacco
No. 10417
Sames, when I was a heavy smoker I used to give anyone a cigarette who asked for it with the hope in my heart that whenever I'd be in need of a cigarette I'd get one as well (which was rarely the case). They've become so expansive though that people (at least here on the Deutschland) aren't even asking to get a cigarette gifted but instead ask you if they can buy one from you.
However started vaping a few months ago and it's really much better than smoking. One doesn't stink afterwards and feels better in general, barely any coughing more at all. Also it's a lot cheaper and I can invest the money in better things. I still smoke when drinking though. At first I kind of disliked the mere thought of vaping because the scene is so extremely cringy but I don't give a fuck anymore. I'd recommend it to you.
No. 10418
67 kB, 600 × 721
Vaping is awesome invetion. While smoking may look kind of cool and attract people to it, Vaping looks cringy and hilarious as fuck, and if all smoking changed to vaping, there be much less nicotine addictions since "vape only for fat fedora loosers".
No. 10419
1,6 MB, 1293 × 1293
Prologue: Today is the day of the city and there's a huge street fair near the Dniro river. I left my apartment and wandered for two hours around the city looking at people, then I suddenly understood that I could use this holiday to create some kind of IWO thread, but I forgot to grab my phone. I left my home a second time with the phone, but I was too tired to take all the pics so I decided to take new photo tomorrow, since the fair lasts for two days.

The main event, or one of the best days of my life: On my way back after the second trip, a couple of attractive 6-7/10 young girls (clearly younger than 20 but older than 16) looked at me and the short one loudly called me a "good-looking" guy. And it clearly wasn't a banter, maybe I'm socially awkward but I perfectly read the emotions of people and I understand when they lie. This is one of the best days of my life, I rarely leave the house, almost don't communicate with people, girls never called me "good-looking" before, especially on the open street, and I had only two matches on Tinder. Also, it's probably because I wore really stylish brown jacket, a lot of adult Slavic males wear only mediocre black or gray clothes. Good clothes and average face do wonders in the Slavlands.

Recently I arranged a date with lonely 8-9/10 17yo schoolgirl via Russian social network. She is looking like a goddamn model and we had a nice chat, I was kinda stunned that I managed to pull it off with my look, and today I seriously increased my confidence thanks to these two girls.
No. 10420
>Dniro river
Hmm interesting new river.

>I perfectly read the emotions of people and I understand when they lie.
You talk like one of mine firends. It is probably a type of people who thought that they can read everything and have basic talent to psyhology.

>via Russian social network.
I'll report you and your IP to SBU

>She is looking like a goddamn model
On photo in internet - of cource ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
No. 10421
We sell them pretty much around the price of an online CD key + printing costs and our cut.

It's the "impression of legitness" factor. The buyer knows it's fake, but it's a believable deniability thing. If someone from up high makes a check, he is hopefully fooled. If not, he can go "dunno, I bought them officially, damn I must've been ripped off, what a shame".

Meanwhile he's pocketed the budget money given for official license :-DDDDD
No. 10422
Oh, also, the ones on ebay are likely fake as well.

I did a google image search for such cards as a reference, and most had different proportions/margins on the design, some even had wrong fonts :-DDDDD
No. 10423
317 kB, 1512 × 1512
It seems that the guy who made this pic didn't know how to use Photoshop. I made better version.
She has Instagram with a lot of photos from absolutely different angles, with her female friends and without them, everywhere she looks like a hot Hollywood actress. I'm already extremely proud that this girl agreed to meet with me, I would even brag using her photo, but then it would be possible to find me. She doesn't has beta orbiters or hundreds of subscribes, everything depends now only on how seriously I will fuck up our conversation in real life.
No. 10424
Say what you will regarding the legality of it, that's market efficiency right there. They get the software and even get a little to line their pockets with. Everybody wins (except M$).

I don't know why more people don't just go with LibreOffice or something. It works just as well and you don't have to fuck around with licensing.
No. 10425
I use google docs for collaborative editing thing.
Very useful, no need to send files any more, just edit them directly on the Cloud(tm)
No. 10426
Also, government's been cracking on piracy because they want that sales tax $$$

Fugging statist corporatist crony fuggers :-DDDD.
No. 10427
157 kB, 519 × 720
I know lots of people use that and/or the microsoft equivalent in academia for that very reason, but most anything I'm working on in a document isn't really something I'm collaborating on, and if anything I want it offline for security and the ability to work on it without internet access, so an office software suite serves my needs better.

Also, I read the King in Yellow recently. I think you'd like it, or at least you'd like the first story in it. It's kind of proto-Lovecraft that's half cosmic horror and half schizo delusion.
No. 10429
Do you know that feel when you realize how many opportunities you had and how you lost almost all of them.
You could have friends, but you were saying "fuck off" to everyone.
You could have a gf, but you didn't even try. And you were a total asshole with those grills who were trying to you first.
You did it with almost every aspect of your life.
No. 10430
220 kB, 500 × 525
You should tell them that taxation is also theft and therefore they cannot pass judgment on your source of income when theirs is the same thing. I'm sure it'll go swimmingly.

No, not really. Why would I care for socialisation that I have no ability to control certain parameters of? For example, in a situaion with real life friends or women, it makes demands of you that you are not in a position to refuse should you wish to retain access to those people. However, those demands may also be inopportune for you or merely unpleasant or undesirable at that specific time. You also have to ferry yourself about to meet them. Compare this to digital social life like EC, where I can hang out with frens on my terms. When I want, and where I want and there are no expectations except that I don't smear shit on the walls while I'm here. There is no aspect of 'you must be here at X o'clock at location Y or else you're a terrible person to get in the way of frens. As for women, I mostly just see them as fundamentally the same as human males. I don't like touching so the baww no gf stuff doesn't really bother me.
t. evolved asperger mustard race
No. 10432
No, I never interested in such kind of relationships since teenage years. However sometimes I think about missed opportunities in human history.
No. 10435
A plausible suggestion given the information available to you. What I have neglected to share is that I live in NJ and the specimens were found in ectomycorrhizal association with eastern white pines, so I'm reasonable confident they are A. muscaria var. guessowii. The shaggy bands of universal veil material where the bulb meets the stipe are characteristic of Amanita muscaria.
No. 10436
44 kB, 500 × 336
Why worry? Sounds KC2018 problems to me.
No. 10443
506 kB, 1024 × 768
>you cannot just go to the next Febo and get a tasty snack

and they will probably never expand onto the german market ever.

t. hungry
No. 10444
Average age of Ernst is higher than other image boards I think. KC was always like this. It is part of why the difference in discussions are noticeable immediately. And all those kids who are like 20 years old and younger aren't smoking. It's more a vice older people have. As for the buzz, it's intense and short lived. If you haven't had a cigarette in say 12 hours even if you're addicted then it's like 5 minutes of the most insanely intense rush. Obviously you don't get this or feel much difference if you're constantly smoking. The main problem with quitting is that you're a grumpy, hostile motherfucker for months or even years after you quit. It's worst the first two weeks and your energy and memory are shot. It's pretty much like Jet from Fallout.
No. 10445
I can't do that just because it burns my throat and makes me cough too much. How do you even get huge clouds like that?
No. 10446
>And all those kids who are like 20 years old and younger aren't smoking
In the West they start to smoke and drink alcohol at 20 years old.
In Russia they end to smoke and drink by that age.

This was a bitter joke.
Why bitter? It's barely a joke.
No. 10448
728 kB, 2448 × 3264
1,5 MB, 3264 × 2448
1,0 MB, 2448 × 3264
1,2 MB, 3264 × 2448
Some kind of Strobilomyces. As is often the case with Agaricomycetes, pinning down North American Strobilomyces specimens to any one taxon can get a bit hairy as the species they are traditionally assigned to are in fact European Strobilomyces taxa which are probably not phylogenetically identical. Per MushroomExpert:

"Many of the reigning concepts in Strobilomyces taxonomy have been recently overturned, and more changes are almost certainly on their way. Petersen and collaborators (2012) studied three European species with reticulate spores: Strobilomyces strobilaceus (first named by Scopoli in 1770), Strobilomyces floccopus (Vahl, 1797), and Strobilomyces strobiliformis (Dickson, 1785). In short, the researchers determined that it was difficult to maintain these three separate European species on the basis of morphology--and, when DNA results were factored in, it became impossible, since specimens identified as all three species turned out to be phylogenetically the same. Thus, according to the rules of taxonomy, the oldest name in the group gets the prize; Petersen and collaborators determined that the European species with reticulate spores should be called Strobilomyces strobilaceus, while Strobilomyces floccopus and Strobilomyces strobiliformis became deprecated synonyms.

In North America, however, we can't just replace what we have been calling "Strobilomyces floccopus" with the name Strobilomyces strobilaceus, because Petersen and collaborators included North American collections in their study and discovered that they were not a phylogenetic match to the European collections. This means that our North American, reticulate-spored species lacks a name. In fact, further research might easily determine that we have more than one North American species with reticulate spores (Nancy Weber's "Strobilomyces dryophilus," for example, should be studied)."

No. 10449
41 kB, 736 × 736
I fucking love Russian humor
No. 10450
That mushroom looks like it ate too many burger :-DDD
t. mushroom illiterate halfwit
No. 10451
The main rule in picking mushrooms is never pick mushrooms you don't know.
No. 10452
I'am 21 and I tried a little bit when was like.. 14? I tried.. other things also but nah, don't get addicted to it. Maybe it is a part of that my parents not smoke and drink. Father like not drink at all, not even on "celebrations". And amnog mine friends and people I knew in school it was more like a lame thing without point.
No. 10453
This. I don't even touch them - there some of them who have sorts of toxins on surface, same as some plants who can damage your skin hard.
No. 10476
912 kB, 580 × 714
26 kB, 379 × 333
Had a pretty nice day.
Studied for one of the tests. (Literature)
I also read parts of a Hitler biography and re-read the 4th Adventure of the Nibelungenlied.
I've also listened to all 15 symphonies of Shostakovich, and I've been re-listening the 7th for a good few times now.
Cleaned the room completely.
I've also digitalized 2 pages out of the 15 I've written down by hand. It's a chore, I basically threw out ~60 of the sentences along the way. I'm essentially reworking them as I enter them into the text file.
Read a bit of manga too. Surprising, considering I can't usually concentrate on reading manga for some reason. Maybe it just doesn't capture my attention that well.
Drank a litre of earl grey.

Today is a day of national mourning in Hungary. On this day, the Austrians executed the general staff of the Honvédség in 1849. According to the popular legend, they celebrated each hanging by clinging together maßes of beer. That's why it's considered rude in Hungary to cling your beer bottles.
I personally think the 1848-1849 war was a mistake.
No. 10489
It must be strange to live in a country with a rampant alcohol problem, and yet your parents neither drink nor smoke. I have the same situation. My father isn't fond of drinking at all, and gave me a disapproving look when he saw me drink vodka.
He's probably right. I see no point in drinking alcohol. It doesn't enhance the psyche like caffeine does for example.
No. 10491
I think that may be a myth. I haven't seen any reputable case reports or scholarly articles of any kind documenting an instance of mushroom poisoning caused by touch alone.

No. 10492
79 kB, 413 × 599
140 kB, 527 × 727
143 kB, 606 × 856
The Hungarian Revolution was a pretty interesting event. I particularly like the overall chaos and disorganizion as the events of 1848 spiral into a chaotic war of independence.
Hungary is very underrated in historical terms.
No. 10516
163 kB, 1200 × 620
Some fuggery is happening with the schedule of university lectures here. All of a sudden, half of the ones I am supposed to attend next week has vanished and only PE and history remain. On the other hand, having more free time means I can study Japanese a bit more and, hopefully, memorize at some additional words before the next Japanese class comes around. Honestly, I kinda regret going to university since the weather here in the Far East is awful and my major is a waste of time but since my parents threatened to evict me from the apartment I had to come here.
Oh, and my Nokia 5.1 has finally arrived in the mail. So far it looks and feels like a worthwhile purchase. I wish I didn't have to by a new phone but I guess after 6 years of usage all modern electronic devices start breaking down.

Actually, I'd probably enjoy my time here more if I didn't spend hours reading about all sorts of things and socialized instead but social interaction is so draining I'd rather live the Ernst life.
No. 10522
I think I'm beginning to romanticise your daily schedule - you are becoming my favourite poster as of late.
Especially now that my whole day consists of studying for math, I feel a longing for a glimpse into your day as it fulfills a sense of escapism in me.

So yeah, today threda... today I'm going to study some more, just as yesterday and the day before and so on. Didn't even have time for my daily early morning walk on this quiet sunday.
No. 10523
225 kB, 584 × 762
And now, instead of studying I went and looked through my photos from the time where I could manage to take early morning walks every day and sometimes post about my encounters on the old EC and among them I found this photo of what my work place looked like back then. I miss my old room.
No. 10538
89 kB, 800 × 600
I have a lot to read for the upcoming semester, I have my own stuff I want to read and I still have to finish a paper that only exists as a note collection.

I decided to use some of the next months sundays to go to Enschede and eat snacks at De Muur Automatiek because the Febo got shut down apparently. I can travel by train for free since I have my student ticket. A ride is ~3h. So these sundays will be a long read with a snack inbetween.
No. 10540
No. 10544
It was a chaotic constitutional crisis. The problem was that while Austria was an Absolute Monarchy, Hungary was a dualistic monarchy that had to be ran in accordance with the orders (The Nobility and the Clergy)
So while in theory it was united with Austria completely under the Habsburgs, the position of the King remained, but the King of Hungary answered to the Emperor of Austria. (This is how it was in the laws, it doesn't matter that the King is the same person as the Kaiser, on paper they are different)

Conscription and new taxes had to be approved by the National Diet in Pozsony to take effect. New laws and regulations had to be approved too. So if they were on bad terms with the nobles, the country was essentially useless.
To get around the National Diet, the Habsburgs governed Hungary through Royal Decrees, which were frowned upon by the nobility.

'48 was an unfortunate event and the exclamation point of what we call "The Reform Era", during which a tremendous amount of societal and juridical progress happened, since the emperor basically signed everything you put in front of him because of his short heda.

Then on March 15 the radicals and students chimped out at Pest-Buda, freeing people from prisons, printing pamphlets and so on. The King accepted their demands. Then Metternicht, then Kanzler realized that this'll get out of hand soon, so he made the emperor step down, allowing Franz Josef to ascend to the throne. Then all the reforms where put aside, and this is where the constitutional crisis happens. Can the Emperor just simply delete the laws signed by the King?
Then it all escalated. It didn't help that there was no unity inside the Hungarian camp. We had the group of Fontolva haladók or "Advancing with caution", and the Radicals who wanted a republic, destruction of the Nobility and freeing of the serfs.

Petőfi (Romanticist poet and wanna-be politician) could muster a gigantic crowd. So in essence the Radical were threatening the "conservatives" and other moderates with their demonstrations and other mass events. And the moderates had to fight off the Austrians.

It's a gigantic mess and I'd say everyone was in the wrong during the events. Kossuth for signing the declaration of independence, Petőfi for being a pants on head retarded radical, interfering in the government, even though he wasn't elected for the diet, Kossuth again for interfering in the Army, Szécheny for pussying out and not trying to de-escalate the things hard enough.
Kossuth especially made a lot of questionable decisions in this period, mainly regarding his interventions with the Army's leadership.

It's an astonishingly interesting subject to read about. I was shocked to see the contrast between how it "actually" happened and how it's taught in schools. (As a nationalist jerkoff where we all loved each other and trying fighting off the evil monarchy) Even what I wrote down here just scratching the surface, and I too only have just a shallow understanding of the subject.
No. 10548
Well, I do try to go for that "romantic scholar" aesthetic. So it's nice to hear that I'm not a complete failure at that.
Otherwise I'm just your average high schooler, maybe a tad bit more ambitious.
No. 10551
You really should read Der Tor und der Tod by Hofmannsthal then. It's a lyrical drama, not long and I've not come across a text that was written so well and touching in a very long time. It's a critique of classical scholarship/education around 1900 coming packed as highly educated. German language aestheticism in essence he was a Viennese.
I just got an Insel Verlag they are beautifully ornamented copy.
No. 10553
Thanks for the recommendation. Seems short enough, and I can actually read it with my iffy German knowledge. (Or at least seems like it at first glance.)
I really should polish my German a bit more. I can understand it well enough, but my writing itself is really bad. Or at least I thinks so. (I think after 3 years I'm starting to grasp how the grammatical cases work, and I'm no longer just picking one at random based on instinct, but I know why it's that particle)
No. 10554
Your spoken German will always expose you as a foreigner if you don't really try die hard to change it I think.
I currently spend my time with Germanists and people who studied something with German language from around the world and their grammar is not perfect but it's still good and you can understand most of them perfectly well all the time.

Speaking more than your native language and English clearly is a merit that is to be valued.

Hofmannsthals early work, and the recommended lyrical drama is part of it, is very poetic but I think you will manage when you managed the Nibelungen.
No. 10556
Yes. It makes me a bit sad that my spoken German will out me a foreigner. Though apparently my pronunciation is quite good. The head of the matura-exam committee asked me if I was an Ungarndeutsche based on how I pronounce words.

I'll be going through the Nibelungenlied soon if I can find the time for it at least. My new literature teacher is very adamant on us reading what is assigned so my regular reading is slowed down quite a bit.
No. 10557
>My new literature teacher is very adamant on us reading what is assigned so my regular reading is slowed down quite a bit

In university you will have to read more than in school, at least in Germany school is a joke in comparison to the workload of text heavy subjects like literature, sociology, history and so on. But I found time next to uni reading a book or two per month, sometimes even more. But I lurk way less than a few years ago, I rarely do anything else besides reading, meeting friends from time to time and a bit of work. Sometimes there are exceptions.
No. 10558
I have no problem reading the assigned books. They are fine works of world literature, and we are near the modern era now, so it's only getting more and more exciting. This year Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, the next Kafka. Can't wait.
And I also get to know Hungary's literature a lot better. I've been neglecting Hungarian stuff for a long time now.

I have no frame of reference for university courses. Nobody in the family ever set foot at a university. I'll be the first one. (Or at least I hope so that I can go to university.)
No. 10559
Today: I've suddenly remembered that Rutracker exists (Since I don't consume western visual media all that much, I never needed a western torrent site, I got all my stuff from either nyaa*, project Gutenberg, libgen or the Hungarian National Electronic Library) and I've rounded up 5-6 torrents. Decided to get a Flac file of all the Shostakovich stuff, and Mahler's 6th Symphony. And I'm also downloading a performance of Wagner's Ring.
(*Though I've never considered myself a weeaboo at all, or even if I am, I refuse to associate with weebs on the ground of mutual identity. If that sounds logical at all.)

Studied for the history test tomorrow. I'm also going to re-read the verses I need to know by heart for tomorrow's literature test.
No. 10561
I am glad I indirectly wololo'd you into liking Shostakovich. Another one into the fold.
No. 10562
Your high-school sounds more demanding than any high-school I went to;
high-school in North America is completely retard-tier in comparison to European high-school.
This is probably why undergraduate students are still coddled and treated like children in North American universities,
and why a bachelors is becoming the new high-school diploma here.
Only individual professors expect more from the students.
No. 10565
>high-school in North America is completely retard-tier in comparison to European high-school.
You don't know Russian high-school yet
No. 10566
Well, we do have a large body of materials that's ought to be taught. That's why people say it's "Prussian". You sit on your ass, listen to the teacher's lecture, and then you'll study everything you've jotted down in your notebook, because you'll be assessed based on how well you can cough that information back. Some brutal fucks actually want word-for-word definitions in their tests. (Mostly Physics, Chemistry and Biology teachers)

The problem with this, is that while we do learn an inordinate amount of stuff, we rarely get to the end of it by the end of the year. It's just simply too much, even though your average student has 36-38 classes a week. That's nearing the maximum hours of a "Work week" legally. (Which is 40 I think).
In exchange apparently even a mediocre dumb fuck can laugh in the face of some "good" American students. (I've been told that, I don't truly know, but I've heard the Irish for example have a weak mathematics regime.)(I've heard this from people who came back to the country after emigrating.)

Then it also depends heavily on teachers. Some are essentially bored of their jobs, and lost all faith in their students, and then, some are enthusiastic even after 40 years.
A good example would be my German teacher in my first year. She was a really old lady who used a walking stick, but honestly, if I had any other teacher, I wouldn't be speaking German today, I can tell you that much.
I think it's important to have teachers you can trust and look up to.

Honestly, how I see it, your average NA HS lack this cohesion between the student body and the teachers. I've never heard an American say that his XY teacher was an inspiring or a good talking partner.
No. 10568
> I've never heard an American say that his XY teacher was an inspiring or a good talking partner.

I cannot name a teacher that was a partner to talk to or in some way really inspiring except one because he had extensive knowledge and went for a smoke during a written exam he also was the headteacher and left school together with my year. Maybe that is because I did not like school and had a bad matura.

Only in university I found people who are dedicated to their job. Some are still boring to listen to or rather bad in mediating knowledge and ways of thinking which is the more important, but the number is greater, and I mean really great, than in HS. And even if they are bad at mediating, all of them seem to be autistic about their subjects or the bigger academic sphere people who are not only interested in history or art or science but all of them which is way I can related to all of them. Yet keep in mind that this kind of living has its defects, dedicating your life to books alone might create depression. Just read Der Tor und der Tod it poetically shows the lack of the book life. Musicality (Performativity) is a hallmark of life it says. Also I want to clarify: when I read it and reread it I also had to think about you, funny no?
No. 10570
Then maybe I'm just exceptionally lucky. Most of my teachers are dedicated to their subject and are willing to listen to my extra questions and opinions regarding a subject. But then again, I'm also interested in what they have to say.
No. 10571
51 kB, 512 × 570
>Well, we do have a large body of materials that's ought to be taught. That's why people say it's "Prussian". You sit on your ass, listen to the teacher's lecture, and then you'll study everything you've jotted down in your notebook, because you'll be assessed based on how well you can cough that information back.
Hell, it sounds so similar.
On the other hand, Russia was the major exporter of Prussian values. It should not be a surprise that we have "Prussian" high-school traditions as well.
No. 10572
72 kB, 402 × 324
What is causing this error where everything bright on screen causes a tracer effect of fading to the right or sort of bleeding towards the right? If you can't see then at least I know it's my monitor not GPU that might be buggered.
No. 10575
Looks totally normal to me.
Enable extensions.
No. 10576
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No. 10578
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>Honestly, how I see it, your average NA HS lack this cohesion between the student body and the teachers. I've never heard an American say that his XY teacher was an inspiring or a good talking partner.
There is usually a sense of animosity between the two. It is, how to say, almost like a Germanic inspired thing, but where you're really not actually taught much beyond the unspoken lessons, which is respect for and subservience to authority, a sense of social stratification and hierarchy, it's hard to explain but it teaches a sort of mindless obedience. Keep in mind Americans for the most part spend like 12 years of their developing lives in these places. They're really run mostly like prisons. It got way worse after Columbine too. Now afaik we have metal detectors, metal turnstiles, cameras, and armed cops patrolling hallways. You will notice how that one fat fuck in Florida went and hid, and then people tried to argue that "well it wasn't his job to stop a school shooter and risk his life" yeah well then why the fuck are you putting armed cops to patrol schools then?!

It is mainly why America is a pathetic people, and why just about everybody under the age of say 25-27 is probably a useless annoying pathetic piece of shit. They have literally never even known a thing like freedom or respect and admiration among people of different "rank" or age/class groups their entire lives. Exactly what American school is like is hard to define, but from what I've seen it's literally a prison environment that seems designed to ship them from one end of the system to the other. I think that IMHO it is an extension and a root cause of the whole country turning into one big open air prison. School has ensured the dumb fucks don't even have a problem with this and will chimp out whenever anyone says that's abnormal. The stuff they teach you in school isn't even remotely difficult either. I never got the impression that I was smart, only that everyone around me was being educated to be stupid, servile, and generally weak minded. It could help to explain why these retards in college now act like uni should be coddling some sense of preschool infantilism as a reward for paying through the nose having survived the prison complex. There is no way to reform America without thoroughly breaking our school system. I have no hope whatsoever for the deep south-Texas/midwest corridor however.
No. 10586
Why are slavic school girls so attractive? And why is it not a more wide spread fetish to have young slavs that aren't trying to look young but also don't look like that slutty type you find in russian porn?
Both German porn and Japanese porn and quite a bit of US porn is filled with the "school girl" meme, but always such that girls are made up to look especially young or innocent or whatever you call the stuff max hadcore does with the make-up.
So where is the opposite? Just regular looking slav girls trying not to look special in any way but being just naturally beautiful, as in that picture right there? (Though maybe of legal age, you know...)


Sorry, just having pre-sleep thoughts in my tired head here.
No. 10594
108 kB, 800 × 432
>going on and on about porn and slav girls being pretty
Those are children dude
No. 10596
>ass effect 3
No. 10599
What? It's a good game. At the very least, is way better than that shitfest that was ME2. I don't know why I still have that shortcut on my desktop though.
No. 10602
47 kB, 250 × 194, 0:00
I have nothing against the game. It's just that in your screenshot the "m" in "Mass" can't be seen so the game's title looks like "ass Effect 3".
No. 10603
I am a slav and I can't say that I find slavic girls more attractive than for example german girls (actually I find german girls way more attractive). I guess it's just a fetishization of the exotic or ethnically different. I have sames with turkish and arab girls.
No. 10611
Oh fugg that was totally unintentional. Well at least it finally convinced me to clear up one section of my desktop. I was just trying to find a spot with high contrast. It seems to be getting worse too. I have no idea what's causing this but my cheap PoS monitor doesn't have as many options for adjustment apparently. At this point I'm just kind of assuming it's going to be close to death in 6 months.
No. 10622
You might be right. Come to think of it, I don't know any slavic girls IRL... I'm also too old to talk to girls of that age without being annoyed like hell. Yeah, it's just romanticizing images, I guess.
No. 10632
God, I regret going to university. This is a waste of time and this is coming from someone who used to sit at home during the day and work night shifts as a security guard. Four years of lectures on all things Japanese, not to mention the language itself. And all this will not make me any more intelligent. I will just be the same person as before, only with a degree and a knowledge of Japanese. Maybe I should have gone to Kazan and studied middle eastern languages, at least then I would have studied something that interests me.
No. 10633
Why did you concentrate on Japan? Weeabooism?
No. 10638
No. On the contrary, I really dislike Japanese culture. It's just that I dislike the Chinese and Korean languages a lot more than Japanese. The choice was clear.
No. 10639
are you in vladivostok
No. 10640
Yes, why?
No. 10646
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At least you will have a nice job and get to spend 4 years being a student. Is there not some hyper-assburger linguistics project you can do to keep you occupied if normal university life isn't t your style? Something like comparative analysis between Old Japanese and Indo-European poetics sounds interesting.

Are Japanese women as scandalous as I'm led to believe?
No. 10647
11,4 MB, 4032 × 3024
12,3 MB, 4032 × 3024
Went to downtown Sintra to deal with some legal paperwork. Took a couple of pictures.
First one is the view of the old town Sintra from the "Unknown Soldier" Park. Second is a picture of the statue within said park. The statue itself is dedicated to the fallen combatants of WWI, whilst the plaque below is dedicated "To The Memory Of The Fallen Combatants In Defense of The Overseas (Territories)". It lists people from Sintra who died in the conflict.

The Ultramar war (literally Overseas War) is the name given to the Portuguese Colonial War (1961-1974). The name comes from the term used during the dictatorship to describe the land that Portugal owned in Africa, as they were elevated from colonial dominions to "Overseas Territory". As per propaganda of the time, these territories were to be an integral part of the Portuguese Nation. Whilst this is more of a theoretical concept than a de facto thing, it was somewhat true. Citizens in said "Overseas Territories" were given the same rights as a person living in "Continental" Portugal. However, a large portion of the population in these territories were considered "indigenous" and thus were not afforded the same rights. In order for one to become a "real" Portuguese citizen, one would need to read and write in Portuguese and pass a specific examination.
No. 10649
just curious. i sometimesforget russia has big borders and big cultural reach throughout whole eurasia and not just eastern europe.
No. 10653
Depression's ramping up again, the next two days are gonna suck.

Resisting urge to get drunk, mainly because I know it will just make me sick and won't help with depression. Also stinky and poor sleep quality.

That feel when no relief or salvation from the bipolarity cycle.
No. 10657
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Had a pretty okay-ish day. I slept only 5 hours so I feel a bit down.
The history teacher said that I can express myself eloquently even if I have nothing to express, or know nothing of the thing I'm talking about. That was her conclusion after I talked about "The evolution of the ancient Greek economy in the context of laws" for a fair few minutes. The literature test went fine. That was in written form. By the end I had no space left on any of the 4 pages I was given.

On the way home I checked the street vendor's wares. They had a copy of War and Peace for sale. Less then an euro per volume, I ended up paying 3,60 for the whole set. I've already read it once, but I'll have to re-read it.
It was a pain in the ass to drag home though. I had to carry my coat, my bag, and the 4 volumes with only two hands. So I put one my coat with one sleeve, and rested the books on my shoulder bag. I looked like as if I had problems with my head, and almost fell on the bus a fair few times.

I've also been trying to get trough that play the German Ernst recommended. About halfway done. I didn't have empty classes today.
Though some of the flowery language is lost on me, it still almost had me cry when the young woman appeared.

I feel tired. I want to be in bed by 8 o' clock.
No. 10667
This is dumb normie brainless press x to win but it better disscus in video games thread
No. 10668
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Well, if you often see drinking and smokin people around don't make you smoker and drinker. Thank god I avoided army and all kinds of bydlo public places where often people get forced to drink (or you are not a man).
Also looking and drinking and dmoking bydlo around make me feel strong disgust from thins kind of things and people.

A coupel of days ago started winter... kinda. It still more autumn than winter but I already prepeared.
No. 10672
The snow really makes a horrible sight far nicer. I worry thinking about what pic #1 looks like during the summer.
No. 10674
Not so horrible nowdays since ground was dotted with gravel to make some sort of actual car parking, thought yes, time when snow melting and like days right after it melted not the best to viit our town. There a video of some asshole "video blogger" who arrived at exect same day, found worst district in city possible that even I was not aware of and publically called our city "trash nightmare" or something like that, however I may say that we much better than moscow or other similar one big south town, at least we not die from trashyards like near-moscow towns lol.
However of cource better visit us in summer (summer can mean May-june, or like it was this year - jule-september), ar in autumn, or in winter. And on my pics there like almost no snow - it was just one very small snow at night that almost melted. I still wait true snow.
No. 10675
>And on my pics there like almost no snow - it was just one very small snow at night that almost melted. I still wait true snow.

Please check my countryball. One time there was a hail storm when I was in middle school and everyone was all excited about seeing "snow" for the first time.
No. 10681
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>when the young woman appeared

That is near the end I think. Don't worry about the flowery language, it's a critique of art with art itself. The art of Claudio, his ancient instruments, the old masters painting, the old furniture. it's all dead. real art, just like real life is about performativity. music and poetry are perfomative, living art, in the act. think about death playing it's violin

Today was the beginning of the second panel. We talked about religion and it's connection to art by examining texts from some famous scholars of religion around 1900 and some poetry from Rainer Maria Rilke, another famous German speaking symbolist. He incorporated the angel in lots of his poems.
Conclusion was that the angel is a mythic figure. The myth is an imagination that explains something. It explains how to get in contact with the transcendent. The myth is of collective scope. We talk about literature like it really exists, literature is also an imagination of collective scope just like the myth. important is the HOW not exactly the WHAT.

Spoken with Rilkes poems, transcendence is not something that has to be instrumented by us but is infinite grappling.

Art, and that includes literature, is there to articulate what cannot be articulated otherwise, e.g. with concepts or terms like natural science. It opens up a space that is more than plain mimesis but it contains a surplus, just like religions does. Art and religion are medias of the transcendence. Paradoxes are more than the given, they are another dimension, a thing on its own like art and religion. Art and religion are there to express this space that cannot be expressed otherwise. Just like the angel is a figure of mediation between immanence and transcendence. But transcendence is not solid but discord. Art, just like religion is about transcendence. and transcendence is not about instrumentality, or about the right use, no straight goal or efficient, it's the opposite. But it is necessary.
No. 10684
Yeah, probably. I just don't perfectly know climmate of Portugal, you have different regions, some moutians and stuff.

For me it's wierd that people not see snow, forme it something by default. What new year without snow and northern lights?

Only thou who live under wings of Polar Dragon can keep their souls protected, minds clear and bodies healthy - main idea of totemic religion of Chizhut' tribes from mine fantasy sseting
No. 10685
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Some years it snows a little in the north and there's snow in the tallest mountains, most notably Serra da Estrela.

It last snowed in Sintra in 1945.
No. 10689
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I've been thinking of doing some research about the Japanese intervention in the Far East during the Russian civil war and writing a paper on that period of history but right now my Japanese is nowhere near as good as it has to be for me to be able to consult with their archives if such a thing is even possible.
As for your last question, I haven't looked into the behaviour of Japanese women and I don't intend to since I have no interest in interacting with them.
or any other women, for that matter
No. 10690
I have a ton of old coins, "special edition" coins and olympic coin things here.
Any idea where i can find out what they're worth and where to sell them?

I have hundreds of them so i don't really want to sell them 1 by 1.
No. 10693
New year without snow is new year with beersies and bbq.
t.southern hemisphere
No. 10699
I've realized I need massive self improvement. If I won the lottery the first thing I would do is pay off all my debts and check into some kind of nice rehab. Idk what for, just being kind of a broken human being down on his luck.
No. 10700
Send them to me, I'll manage them better.
No. 10701
Sure, make a offer
No. 10702
Are old Soviet coins and stamps worth anything? I think I have a ton of them in a binder somewhere, collecting dust and possibly value.
No. 10705
Marry me.
No. 10710
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Had a nice morning walk, saw fog in the distance over the river and felt romantic feelings.
Then, during breakfast, I look out the window and see pic related.
I wish that had happened earlier, before sunrise and during my walk. I would have jumped at the opportunity to walk into the woods. Now I've already settled down to learn for my exam tomorrow and I really should not interrupt my learning...

And the fog is getting even denser as I write this, literally 10/10 fog that I'm missing due to that exam. No reason to dispair though, I'll just sit on the balkony now for my learnings. Huddled in my warm nepal jacket and enjoying cozy math learnings in the fog :3
No. 10727
I feel like a frog in a bucket

Woke up feeling really bad, probably rebound anxiety from taking some benzos the day before yesterday and frustration because of totally wasting away yesterday
Stayed in bed looking at stupid phone things, looked at some job offerings which made me even more depressed
At least my thesis advisor finally called me back after two weeks and answered some questions so I can advance with it


Check this out, it might fit the foggy mood
No. 10732
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Say hello to depression.
And not even of the maniacal kind, the boring "I can barely move and think kind".

People say that it's psychotic depression that makes people kys, but acute dysphoria makes me feel alive, unlike this state.

I seriously can't stop thinking about kys even though I know that in a couple days, it will be gone, and I'll be back to being a sleeper automaton with a closed third eye.

In fact, I suspect that these "bipolar" states are, in fact, lucidity, while being "normal" is a sort of desensitization to existence. I feel less conscious when no depressed, somehow.
No. 10740
>Still Way (Wave Notation 2)
Nice. That album is now in my library.

I was listening to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFNZAmS-3xQ (and the rest of the album) during the fog.
No. 10743
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Got through another average day.
The math test I wrote two weeks ago came back, it was evaluated and got a mark three, or "Mediocre". I'm happy with this result. Almost a four, only ~2% off. Should have known that there is no such thing as a "2x°", but had no better idea at the time.

During empty periods I helped around in the library with the computer hardware and I also made some Chinese flashcards finally. I'll make a few more when I've learnt these characters, and then I'll add the new ones to the pool, until it becomes too burdensome to carry them all. Seems like a feasible plan.
I've also finished reading the drama, but I lost focus completely by the end of it, so I'll be re-reading it, can't make a comment yet. I've also decided to make this into my next translation project, however stupid that may sound.

I've been re-listening Shostakovich's "Leningrad" symphony during the day. It's a wonderful piece. Especially the first movement. (Though I'm also fond of the third) (I love how the instruments feel a bit out of tone, no matter the recording.)

Even though we've entered into autumn, it feels like I'm living in an eternal intellectual spring.
No. 10752
> I've also decided to make this into my next translation project, however stupid that may sound.

At least you can tackle it, I wouldn't know how to translate it but it would be great for translation, difficult language but not so long.

Today was downer. I got remembered that I'm not as free as I was feeling in the last week. It was manageable but a significant cut. Perhaps I just need proper sleeo unlike yesterday night. Few sleep makes me depressive throughout the day.
No. 10755
It's because you don't actually have the energy to kill yourself or do anything about it, because even killing yourself seems like a chore.
This is why mixed state episodes are so severe and dangerous, because you both have the inclination to do it and the energy to do it at the same time. Anyway you in particular shouldn't kill yourself.

>"bipolar" states are, in fact, lucidity, while being "normal" is a sort of desensitization to existence
I would argue against it as long states of depression are very desensitized, boring, dissociated and numb. However the problem is that yes being alive feeling is quite nice and very rare. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore but I do know that this is why I liked opioids so much. It felt like I was suddenly coming up above the surface of the ocean, and I could breath and see clearly all around me. Funnily enough I actually got fired once, and then promptly got high on Vicodin and talked to my boss and got my job back.

The problem is, it's a fucking narcotic, so while it works perfectly it doesn't work for long without becoming a mess which is why I was very careful when I did those pills. But man, a part of me still vaguely remembers that opioids were a great way to be actually a sane, functional, empathetic, not-dissociative, energetic, compassionate and rational person. I felt kind of amped up but other than that it pretty much made me feel normal. I am guessing the very fact opioids make me wide awake and wired like cocaine is supposed to, and that cocaine is really boring and amphetamines once put me to sleep, are indicative of me being not normal or having a normal physiology.
No. 10756
When my depressions flare up I don't get motivated per se, but rather my attention span goes through the roof and I can entertain myself with mundane details like texture of paint on the wall or watching the light change outside the window for a good 4 hours at a time. It's just a catch-22 where to be that concentrated I need to be depressed but if I'm depressed I can't use that concentration for anything useful.
No. 10762
I honestly am beginning to think that I've actually been in a years long mild depressive episode at this point. But the problem is chemicals are always a temptation to try and break myself out of it, which of course is stupid and dangerous. I also am beginning to suspect that taking hydroxyzine chronically for sleep is really fucking me up inside and giving me like Alzheimers or something. I'm also constantly less motivated, attentive, or able to memorize or recall much of anything. It's quite scary just how much of my brain has not been working for several years now. I've also been struggling with insomnia since forever and am starting to suspect I should just let go completely and not force it, sleeping only when my body finally feels like sleeping even if it goes on for like two and a half days.
No. 10769
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Apparently because of some event most of my lectures are cancelled today and since the Russian sentences I was supposed to translate into Japanese were a bit easier to translate than I expected I have nothing to do today. Honestly, I don't mind that since the weather is to my liking and it feels nice simply sitting in my dorm room while the rain is hitting the windowsill. Feels cozy man.
No. 10777
The fog from yesterday ( >>10710 ) re-appeared with a vengeance. It started in at 5:30 and ramped up to a 10/10 fog with view distance of 20 meters around 6:00. I went for the most cozy early morning walk, though it was far to dark to take my camera (or even the more expensive cameras from the gf).

In other news, I now have muscle ache in my writing hand because apparently my "learning" yesterday was a bit excessive. Too bad that the very hand I have to write an exam with today hurts when I move the thumb now D:
No. 10779
Oh and I've made a discovery today: Fog is spider-weather. It's only foggy when there is no wind and spiders prefer windless air for building their webs, so when it's foggy, you have good chances of seeing coyz spiders create their amazing webs.

I see four of them floating against the white background of the fog right now while looking out at the balcony.
This winter I plan to do an exposition therapy to get rid of my arachnophobia, so I won't have to kill them all in their hybernation (because these cozy fuckers I see now grow to be unpleasant during spring).
No. 10780
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The fog here has gotten even thicker and I really want to check your theory about spiders appearing when its foggy but the rain is so intense the spiders who live in the parks and the forests here have probably vanished.
No. 10785
Your place looks really cozy, though. Would wander around in the morning before sunrise. Bonus points for wandering in the rain with a warm coat.
No. 10789
Yeah, I have really shit memory as well.
I can barely remember yesterday. Most events of my life are a blur. It's why certain dreams affect me deeply, they put me back in the past, and it feels as if I regain some of my personal history.

Interestingly, I have bad memory when it comes to my own life events, but I can remember ideas/concepts/trivia quite easily.

I wouldn't be able to recall most of my childhood or even high school years, but I can talk about warcraft lore for hours.

I also miss psychosis because yeah, it made me feel alive. At the same time, it feels like it was destroying my brain somehow. Psychosis is agitating, but at the same time exhausting, it's hard to explain. Through the seeming excess of energy, you can feel that your body is barely keeping up, and possibly damaging itself.
No. 10794
These are mostly my same settis minus the psychosis, which is probably because I use hydroxyzine and quetiapine for sleep. Yes, it's just because literally all other drugs have completely failed me and either stop working and/or too addictive and easy to abuse. Like zolpidem I developed an extremely rapid tolerance and it simply stopped working, to the point where I could eat half a bottle and then vaguely remember my insane ramblings and hallucinations and still not sleep. The doctor told me this happens with that drug and I was pulled off it, but man I was great with it while it worked. Everything else my body just learns how to tolerate chemicals and adjust, so the only thing that's still working is an antipsychotic. It fucking sucks and I try not to take it too much because I can tell it makes me an emotionless, aimless, worthless zombie who doesn't care about anything but food, even if I only take it for sleep. And the hydroxyzine I've already developed tolerance but I'm worried as shit about developing Alzheimers from it plus it seems to mildly have the same shitty, soul hollowing effects as the quetiapine.
No. 10797
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> Anyway you in particular shouldn't kill yourself.
That's a weird remark now that I think about it.

I still haven't come to a definite conclusion and leave the possibility open for the future. And seeing how I'm the most qualified person to judge the worth of my existence, I doubt a third party observer can make a compelling argument one way or another.

The japanese idea of sudoku is very interesting. Destroying your own concept by destroying its symbol (the body), and erasing yourself is quite KC tier. It may be less expedient than simply dying, but it is more honorable, as destroying yourself is not only an act of atonement, but also justice - one is redeemed through the destruction of that which is unworthy of life (self).
No. 10804
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>one is redeemed through the destruction of that which is unworthy of life (self).
It doesn't end there. You have a second who beheads you after you stick the knife in and twist to end the suffering, setting aside any thoughts he might have had on preserving your existence due to friendship in favour of adhering to what his friend sees as honourable and just. It is not only an act of individual redemption but it also creates a strong bond of honour between the deceased and those that remain. It's a positive feedback loop rather than simply self-sustaining.
No. 10813
I typically don't shadow myself as much here and I like your sincerity. You in particular seem interesting and I get the urge to peer into you sometimes though I am quite sure you'd take great offense to such an invasion of your privacy. That being stated it could be interesting to gaze through your eyes. Regardless I happen to actually like you and wish you to not kill yourself. You know, there's a reason why particularly Catholics say suicides go to Hell, and that's because your last act on earth is murdering a human being--yourself. Which in turn stabs the hearts of all around you, and even strangers you didn't know would even care.
No. 10819
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My new boss organised an 'informal chat' over the telephone today following my assignment to her division. Just to get to know me. Now tell me, how on Earth did we work these interactions in the past? When I was a teenager I could spend hours talking to a girl with minimal effort and seemingly always knowing when to speak.

But these days, well, I think I just had one of the most awkward conversations of my life.

>Make joke
>She doesn't laugh
>Make another joke
>She laughs after an awkward few seconds of silence

Allow me to explain: The first joke referenced learning one of the Celtic languages but I suspect she didn't understand my joke. Instead she started talking about offices being opened out the provinces, meaning I may have made a joke so bad I was being exiled. Then I joked if any were opening up in Barbados HA-HA-HA but obviously she must've just thought I was a twat.

I can't wait until labour get back in power and I can live on the dole. Fuck this.
No. 10820
20th century zeitgeist was pretty ebin.

All that romanticism, "will to power", etc. Everyone seemed to be in on the triumph of the will meme, even communists, who thought they could tame market forces.

Must've been an interesting time to live. And above all, it wasn't nihilistic like modernity. Too bad humans are shit and can't manage better, so it didn't work out. There will never be safety and contentment for humanity, not in God, not in authority, not in technology. It's accelerating, and it will always accelerate. I think the biggest weakness of the human mind is that very desire for safety and contentment. To stop change and struggle. To end historical acceleration and live forever in a timeless bubble world straight out of propaganda posters. Ah, ideology.
I love the idea of the original sin for that reason. It's a good metaphor for never ending struggle, that can not be avoided because it is inherent to the nature of human being.

Schizoids do in fact desire closeness, but the experience is so uncomfortable that most stop bothering. I try to get out of my comfort zone and let people in, but it ends up badly a lot of the time. Either due to break of trust on their part, or paranoia on my part. The first thing I think about when a person gets to know me is how he could use this knowledge to somehow cause me harm.

The reason for such discomfort is, as I mentioned, the lack of distinction between inside and outside worlds. There is no detached experiences for a schizoid, since there is no barrier that would protect the mind from the outside. Every experience penetrates deeply into the soul. Being in a loud crowd is overwhelming, because no input is ignored. Noises, smells, and other physical stimuli are deeply uncomfortable, because they invade your consciousness without consent. Thank d-g for earphones. Whenever I hear a conversation, I can not ignore it as some background noise, I can't help but listen, and "participate", mentally. I dwell on the words said, the chain of associative thoughts triggered by the unfiltered input take over my mind. I can't stop thinking even for a moment. It's exhausting, and I do crave this sense of contentment and peace, but it never comes, because even when I'm alone and there's nothing to do, my mind is always wandering. I even think while asleep, somehow thoughts persist even into dreams.

I flirt with the idea of suicide because it represents the tempting notion that I am in control of my being. I can not control my mind or my body, or the world, but I can end them. And I often imagine that if I were to kill myself, God would approve. I am convinced that I am going to hell either way, so might as well do a single good deed in my life, that is, ending it. Here's something I wrote down in my diary regarding this:
>Don't you think going to hell would be great?
>The Divine Creator himself will grant reckoning to all those you have wronged, granting them solace. You would be in hell, content with the knowledge that in the end, everything worked out well, and you don't have to bear the burden of your sins any more: God is taking care of it.
>Instead, you have to live with the knowledge that your mistakes are etched in time forever, no court of law, or apology or punishment could ever make it right again, and not even death will absolve you.
>Our mundane reality, where neither suffering nor joy, sin or virtue is even acknowledged by any higher power, on account of its nonexistence, is worse than hell.

Also, sidenote. The reason the statement "Anyway you in particular shouldn't kill yourself" caught my attention is because I am OCD/autistic about language. The sentence is constructed in such a way that it implies authoritative right to judge what I should and shouldn't do. Like you know something about me that I don't, or that you are in some way an arbiter of who should or should not kill themselves. Of course, what you actually meant is "I don't want you to kill yourself", but you didn't say what you meant. Somehow, I understand what you meant, even though you said a completely different thing, and I can't help but fixate on this paradox. It's not like I was offended, or bothered, so you shouldn't take it like that. It's just another thing I noticed about myself: deconstruction of language, being in a different "wavelength" from the common communication meta.

Reminds me of that one time my aunt asked me why I don't try to move to the west, since I know the language and have the skills to. I replied that it doesn't matter where I am, because I am always "here", and the only thing that could give me contentment, and the only thing I want, is to not be "here" any more. Of course, that sounds like absolute nonsense. But at that time, it made sense to me: "here" is just the place you are at, and I'm always here, even if I was "there", I'd still be here. And being trapped in "here" is the source of my misery: I want to be there, or with someone, or among some people, but I never am, I'm always "here", inside. (This doesn't make any fucking sense, huh).

i have no image to go with this post
No. 10822
I feel tired, my eyes feel dry. Through another day.
Finally got the paperwork done, and now I'm officially a "Private student", but the document also allows me to visit the classes. Essentially the best of both worlds. I can skip whatever I want, and there are no repercussions.

The extra literature classes are interesting. I can put my knowledge to good use. We spent 90 minutes on evaluating a single poem, essentially putting the theory of taking one apart into practice.
Teacher still doesn't know my name, despite me being the only guy in class.

Finally got my history essay handed back to me to see what I've actually did, and there were nothing besides a few check marks and "This is good" written on it. I asked and apparently this is was a fine work. Even for me. I've been told that my usual writing style is a bit too convulsive.

Studied the flashcards for a bit today. I'm going to make the next batch tomorrow. Thankfully I have no tests coming up for the foreseeable future, which makes me happy, and relaxed.

Still haven't ordered that copy of Parzifal, even though I have the money for it now. The problem is that I have to pick the damn thing up, and it'd be an hour long trip with tram, and I don't know how long with metro.
And I can't actually ask them to deliver it, because the only payment method is with a bank card. I have no such thing. And there is actually a discount if I pick it up myself. (Though it probably has the versandskost calculated into it already.)

Tomorrow will be an easy day. Only two classes.
No. 10824
>Schizoids do in fact desire closeness, but the experience is so uncomfortable that most stop bothering. I try to get out of my comfort zone and let people in, but it ends up badly a lot of the time. Either due to break of trust on their part, or paranoia on my part. The first thing I think about when a person gets to know me is how he could use this knowledge to somehow cause me harm.
Oh boy do I actually know this feel very, very well in fact it is such a definitive feature that I actually consider it a defect. You have no idea how many relationships I've fucked up due to this. Even just posting here I've constantly got my guard up because not only is it online and therefore public but also that some chantard would use it against me, and particularly because I actually have my guard slightly lowered here, which is very disconcerting. Just about everything about me interpersonally kind of boils down to trust. If you lie to me directly it's the worst thing you can possibly do. I will never respect or trust you again if you lie to me especially my face. I had a girl do that while she had a hickie on her neck and I was fucking vicious to her about it. It's a damn shame.

>The reason for such discomfort is, as I mentioned, the lack of distinction between inside and outside worlds. There is no detached experiences for a schizoid, since there is no barrier that would protect the mind from the outside. Every experience penetrates deeply into the soul. Being in a loud crowd is overwhelming, because no input is ignored. Noises, smells, and other physical stimuli are deeply uncomfortable, because they invade your consciousness without consent. Thank d-g for earphones. Whenever I hear a conversation, I can not ignore it as some background noise, I can't help but listen, and "participate", mentally.

This feel I don't know. I am actually so incredibly guarded that it's like I have a very hyper distinct inner world in a sense that there's this massive rotating sections of layers of guard wall that I only just barely let align correctly, briefly, enough to let some of that light in. The rest of the time anything, any word or thought, could be a potential assault by all kinds of different sources which kind of just gets filtered. But when I do open it's usually pure and iirc I've been told I'm really intense. For me it's all or nothing, and if it's all nothing should stop you. But as for the rest of the world? It's all outside, foggy, passing like the rush of nameless faces on a barren school bus like the last kid on the ride as everyone one by one slowly gets off into the afterlife, and all you can do is pretend to be blessed and to bless as the loss only curdles and hollows out your soul more and more until by chance you remember the few shreds of good times that haven't yet been erased like wisps of shadow and ghost and sand, like watching some possible friend or lover or acquantance pass by on the street in a foggy night, slowly drifting in the distance to nothingness as they pass beyond the other side of the skirt veil of street lamps. And you see and feel these things, and let them all go as past lives do to be forgotten.

>I flirt with the idea of suicide because it represents the tempting notion that I am in control of my being. I can not control my mind or my body, or the world, but I can end them.
But of course. I actually often do the same thing in times of extreme stress as a relief valve. Of course I would never do it though. In fact let me tell you a little secret trick I figured out on an air flight. So this one time I was kind of hungover but sobering up into that anxiety feel on a plane saddled between two fat guysbecause land of burgers and suddenly I could feel it coming that wave of being panic stricken in a claustrophobic aircraft tube with no way out, and so of course I thought about opening the emergency hatch. But then of course I remembered I would be seriously endangering the entire passenger and flight crew. So I devised this that what you can do is take the tab off of one of those soda cans and use it to carve the aluminum can. I know factually that you can do this and it creates sharp edges. So you can basically devise a flimsy razor or even a weapon just out of the flight attendant. And I realized I could just slit my wrists then and there, and cover it up with my load of carry ons and coats/sweaters and such. Which means that theoretically by the time anyone notices something wrong I should be drifting to unconsciousness and dying of hypoxia and by that time there would be nothing that anybody could do on that plane with no time to emergency land and save my life.

And then suddenly the waves of panic ebbed back to foreign shores and disappeared and I felt good and completely fine, and in control. Because that is truthfully the only thing that you actually want and seek, is to be in control.
No. 10825
>And I often imagine that if I were to kill myself, God would approve

> I am convinced that I am going to hell either way, so might as well do a single good deed in my life, that is, ending it.
That is pure devil speak, twisting deluding manipulating you into believing such a bullshit.

>The reason the statement "Anyway you in particular shouldn't kill yourself" caught my attention is because I am OCD/autistic about language. The sentence is constructed in such a way that it implies authoritative right to judge what I should and shouldn't do. Like you know something about me that I don't, or that you are in some way an arbiter of who should or should not kill themselves. Of course, what you actually meant is "I don't want you to kill yourself", but you didn't say what you meant.
Correct sorry that's just how I talk especially online. Despite everything I think that at my core I might actually still be a kind of born leader or something. I also have this half conscious half unconscious tendency to address people directly by their full name, or with a stranger as a nickname to be maximally informal. I don't address a mask or flesh or nickname. I address the person, or rather the soul within the shell of their temple. I have got no time for this nonsense charade as a mortal. It is like how Charlie Sheen got bullshit for calling calling some guy Chaim instead of his stage name (iirc he said he was addressing the guy by his real name as a known person, may or may not be bs). If I am not being completely aloof and walled off protecting my core from the outer world I tend to be extremely direct. So yeah sorry about that but the way I constructed it probably did mean exactly that. Like when it's something actually important or bordering on spiritual I have more of a tendency to just directly give an order like it's natural and not notice it a lot of the time. And I tend to when I actually bother to pay attention have a more piercing gaze about it. You know, idk if you were there or remembered it but I was the guy that said something about what was it Anna and dark silhouettes or something when that one poor Russian had his mind broken by some borderline anorexic Finnish girl who poured her madness into his mind while tripping on acid, and after I commented on it the Russian was shocked and someone else assumed I was also on acid and said something about people being able to read people in another room while tripping but "this is across another continent impressive". I try to kill that in me and not do it though because when I let things in it can be disruptive and hurt like a fucking bitch.

> It's just another thing I noticed about myself: deconstruction of language, being in a different "wavelength" from the common communication meta.
Yeah I know that feel.

>Reminds me of that one time my aunt asked me why I don't try to move to the west, since I know the language and have the skills to. I replied that it doesn't matter where I am, because I am always "here", and the only thing that could give me contentment, and the only thing I want, is to not be "here" any more. Of course, that sounds like absolute nonsense. But at that time, it made sense to me: "here" is just the place you are at, and I'm always here, even if I was "there", I'd still be here. And being trapped in "here" is the source of my misery: I want to be there, or with someone, or among some people, but I never am, I'm always "here", inside. (This doesn't make any fucking sense, huh).
You know, in a sense that is completely natural. Are you aware of the Western saying "you can never go home again"? It is the saying that when you change and move away, you can't come back to the past or the way things were. This says it better https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/you+can%27t+go+home+again But likewise the inverse, in that you can't ever run from yourself and you always take your own bullshit with you no matter where you go, so nothing changes no matter how much you try to escape and rearrange the scenery because you can never escape from yourself.
No. 10831 Kontra
>despite me being the only guy in class.

Had a class on German poetry around 1900 and there were two other guys from which one did not appear regulary. The remarkable thing now is that there was only one female poet from 10 or so we discussed. Many males wrote poetry but in university at least it is often frequented by females it seems literature in general has a slight female overweight I'd say
No. 10833
The only authority I recognize over myself is that of Divinity or Logos, or whatever you want to call it. So anyone who attempts to assert something on me has to make an appeal to the divine. After all, people are fallible, and most anything people say is just noise that should be ignored, unless Logos is speaking through them. I have noticed that I often walk away before people finish talking to me, because I already know that they have nothing useful to say. I have to consciously stop myself because it is rude. Which makes me an autistic schizoid weirdo.

And yeah, I remember that thread. I think I expressed a desire to get high on LSD then watch a 12 hour marathon of war documentaries and Brazilian gore just to see how deep down the rabbit hole my psyche could deteriorate to. Morbid curiosity, a vice in itself.

I don't really believe in redemption. What you've done is what you've done, and what you are is what you are. And actions don't even matter, it's the thoughts. A pragmatic point of view is that evil thoughts lead to evil actions, but I think that evil thoughts are evil in themselves, and thinking is enough to sin. I have judged myself, and I don't think I'm really a good person, in the end. And I don't really care if I'm better or worse than others, other peoples' virtue is their own business, I'm only morally responsible for myself. I don't think I'm good enough.

I can't attain happiness, I can't make others happy, my life went in a direction I hate before I had any control over it, and all of my ambitions for the future are just hollow rationalizations. Picking up the pieces and stumbling forward, with no heart or faith in it, simply because there's nothing else you can do but "try your best", knowing that your best is not even good enough to be excited for.
No. 10837
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>The only authority I recognize over myself is that of Divinity or Logos, or whatever you want to call it.
You could make that sound super ebin by summarising like 'every man is a nation unto himself', transplanting bits of early American Republican philosophy from the Revolutionary War period from the republic to the man.

>So anyone who attempts to assert something on me has to make an appeal to the divine.
This line especially evokes those ideas pretty hard. It's in Locke, Sam Adams used the idea a lot, New England put it on a flag of theirs and it even found its way into the conclusion of the Declaration of Independence.

>""We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States..."

No. 10838
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>The first joke referenced learning one of the Celtic languages
>I suspect she didn't understand my joke
No. 10846
>The only authority I recognize over myself is that of Divinity or Logos, or whatever you want to call it.
That's actually pretty much one of the only times I act with such sheer confidence in something, is if I think I may or do have plausible backing from a higher power. I have already twice declared war on things for such a reason. Usually I am much more diplomatic and attentive, a more collaborative person who enjoys a roundtable group and hates hierarchy. That being said, I guess I just subconsciously do that for those reason, like pretty much bossing people around or telling you rather directly not to kill yourself. I think our beliefs may actually be rather similar, albeit with different conclusions. And I personally hope to evade Hell somehow too.

>After all, people are fallible, and most anything people say is just noise that should be ignored, unless Logos is speaking through them.
This is pretty much exactly how I operate too. It can actually be pretty arrogant and rude af but quite frankly I am probably going to do what I'm going to do for good or ill, and all laws of man and all his vaunted institutions null and void, like watching a thousand years in a second knowing that the thing you're touching right now won't be there, or wandering around the ancient American city of New York in real time when their empire still existed, all these clueless people--and their laws and edicts are completely irrelevant beyond trying to avoid their use of violence to impose themselves on others (which often is in itself perfect justification for declaring war or smacking their shit back down) because the only relevant laws are God's laws.

>get high on LSD then watch a 12 hour marathon of war documentaries and Brazilian gore just to see how deep down the rabbit hole my psyche could deteriorate to. Morbid curiosity, a vice in itself.
Well, I don't know your mind yet and have no clue how you would react, but quite frankly acid is a lot harder for an intellectual to have a bad trip on, that is the analytical mind because LSD is already quite analytical. As noobs you expect to see dragons or some shit but instead it's just much more about introspection and noticing minute details about everything. It's a way more mentally relaxed experience and much more detached. To be quite honest the only drugs that traumatized me was pot, amphetamines, and booze. But most especially the pot. Holy fuck I had bad times so much I doubt I'd like it again even without the anxiety and paranoia. Too much bad stuff. As for booze it's unexpectedly a potent gate opener, if you use it right. I would highly advise against this. Meanwhile acid you think will show you invisible beings or something but I didn't have that at all and just at one point watched my consciousness constantly ascending, with demons and sex demons and vices all about me trying to pull me away from my journey and to distract me from looking upward and ascending, and layers upon layers of interpretations of this as you finally realize what if part of the trick of the devil is to get you to go past your actual endpoint by tricking you into thinking that you have not yet reached it and luring you on a constant journey towards a light, a false light nearly indistinguishable from the real light you have just ascended past. That kind of stuff happens on acid. Or realizing that some furniture or doorway is like two degrees away from being squared and that you never noticed it was crooked before but just took it's crookedness for granted as normal angles. It is also way too speedy for my tastes.

For you personally I would strongly advise you to be careful since you're kinda schizophrenic/bipolar afaik which could fuck you up in ways it didn't for me, but then again of course have spoken with you I am pretty sure you've largely got the perfect kind of a mind and perception for it, except for all of your emotional hangups and self perception issues.

>I don't really believe in redemption. What you've done is what you've done, and what you are is what you are. And actions don't even matter, it's the thoughts. A pragmatic point of view is that evil thoughts lead to evil actions, but I think that evil thoughts are evil in themselves, and thinking is enough to sin. I have judged myself, and I don't think I'm really a good person, in the end. And I don't really care if I'm better or worse than others, other peoples' virtue is their own business, I'm only morally responsible for myself. I don't think I'm good enough.
Like for example this. Your real problem is you have low self esteem.

>I can't attain happiness, I can't make others happy, my life went in a direction I hate before I had any control over it, and all of my ambitions for the future are just hollow rationalizations. Picking up the pieces and stumbling forward, with no heart or faith in it, simply because there's nothing else you can do but "try your best", knowing that your best is not even good enough to be excited for.
This is just a perceptual issue and not actually directly related to reality. If you think you are shit and expect everything you do to become shit, then of course you will make a self fulfilling prophecy, which is in itself only subsconsiously done on purpose because it gives you that control, whereas actually trying your best and succeeding would feel new and outside of your control and moreover raising expectations coupled with the constant grinding fear of something good happening only to be brutally destroyed in front of you thus it becomes an emotional defensive mechanism from being hurt. Just do your best and keep doing it with a positive attitude. I should tell you the dance class story. There are times in your life where you get locked into a situation by your foolishness or beyond your control and you have this distinct conscious choice you're aware of of either embracing the suck and saying okay I have to do this so I might as well try and enjoy it, versus taking a negative attitude, which you know in that crystal clear epiphany moment is just going to lock you into complete misery just because you made the wrong choice in how you decided to approach the matter.

Oh yeah and also, I think you might enjoy mushrooms. I personally got a great body high with euphoria that acid never gave me (it didn't make me happy or euphoric at all) and moreover the mushrooms have more of a tendency to reveal the actual spiritual nature behind everything. I take it, and instantly saw the alcohol before me was literally poison. As in I mean it is like drinking arsenic. I refused to keep drinking and my friend disagreed and drank then proceeded to vomit soon after while I was mellow. When I took mushrooms suddenly everything was illuminated.
No. 10847
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Rated. And yeah I guess as a burger I just sort of took it for granted and never even bothered to imagine it could not be the clear and obvious truth of the matter.
No. 10863
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I should be writing my bachelor's thesis but it hurts my head to just think about doing it

I don't want to do anything

Actually I want to lift weights but I just had an appendectomy a week ago so I can't do that for a while. Today I got the stitches removed at least.
No. 10872
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Today was a fine day overall. The biology tests were handed out. Best possible mark, only lost three points.

We had a field trip today. The class visited the National Museum to see an exhibition. The tour guide told us a lot about the cultural history of Hungary during the late medieval ages and the early modern era.

Made the next batch of flashcards, but I didn't have time to study them yet. 31 so far, plus the few word-cards I've made to start developing a vocabulary besides just the characters. Most of my time was taken up by helping at the library. We reshuffled the tables with the librarian to make it seem less "Authoritarian". So now instead of three rows, it forms a U. (This change was specifically requested by the student body when asked "what should change?") I got a "public service hour" for this. If you don't have 50 hours of public service on your record by the end of the last year, you won't be allowed to take the Maturation Exam. Not failed, not that you don't get your high school diploma, you can't take the exam at all.

I've also started reading a history book to polish my knowledge a bit. It's a monograph on the history of Hungary, and how we integrated into Europe, our relationship with it, and how we influenced each other throughout the ages.
It's very important to look at both world history and local, national history, otherwise your nations history (assuming it's not a great power) might seem arbitrary at times.
Anyway, it's in 3 volumes and covers everything up until the Ausgleich of 1867 I think. Took it out from the library. Despite it being ~30 years old, nobody has opened it. I can hear the spine cracking as I flip the pages. Sad.

Otherwise not much of Ortega's book is left. I haven't learned anything new while reading it. My theory of mass culture and destruction of seriousness in hobbies and fields was relatively similar when I sketched it up to the teacher who recommended it to me. Still, it's nice that I can point at something as a frame of reference and my findings aren't just baseless ramblings.
No. 10873
Watching legsphere
No. 10874
Today I discovered all new models of NSAphones you can't have the battery taken out. So you literally cannot remove power from the thing spying on you now. This has convinced me to abandon them entirely in favor of flip phones.
No. 10885
So the last game has finished 0-0.
No. 10886
Or, not use a phone at all... like me (join the club :3)

Math exam is over, I passed and I've done all work for this week already. So now I've git an entire friday ahead of me with nothing to do. Well, almost nothing, in the evening there is a meet up at our local hackerspace to which I might or might not go.
I even managed to unpack all but the last box of stuff from my new flat mate, washed the dishes etc that I unpacked and cleaned the floor where the remaining boxes were. She's going to be pleasantly surprised by how much better the flat looks when she comes back from her trip.
Also, I already bought groceries etc this morning and I was actually the first customer at the supermarket today. It's nice when the employees (some of which are rather attractive) greet you with a warm smile, which they only do in the early morning for some reason.

I guess today might be a good day.
No. 10887
Those public service hours seem actually useful; at least compared to how I remember school. I basically learned nothing in the last 3 years, except for a few bits and pieces in geology and english class. And that was due to the teachers being cool despite the education system; what I mean by that is that they defied the curriculum and tought us something else because they thought it more valuable - and lo and behold they were right, that stuff is all I remember now.
Since my time in school I've often thought it would have been nice to have learned some haptic skill like woodwork or cooking in school rather than most of the rubbish I forgot anyway.

I comparison, your teachers seem much closer to the students and you even have a librarian...
No. 10894
This is a new level of laziness, have you even seen the cow.
Informal chats with bosses can be awkward.
Her forcing you to talk to her, is just creepy, is it a power trip, does she want you to talk without meeting or seeing her before hand.
You should have been formal and proffessional, just cause some cunt says lets have an informal chat doesn't mean you have to do anything outside of your role.
You slipped up but I would hate to get a phone call for an informal chat and whoever thought this is a good idea, would be terrible to work with never mind for.
When Labour gets in it will be more money for single mums and immigrants you will still be back of the line.
No. 10897
They aren't really. They don't give you academic experience, you can't channel those 50 hours into your future, really. You are stuck washing cars at the fire station, helping old people, or picking trash most of the time. Or you just cheat and do it at a company that doesn't give a fuck.
I honestly see it as an exploitation of the students, because you can't accept money for it.
No. 10912
Well, I've many years of academic progress behind me now and I'm at a point where I seek out physical work because it ultimately is the shortest loop in my neural network between action and reward that doesn't include cheats (i.e. drugs). It's why I was the dishes by hand rather than buying a dishwasher and why I walk or ride the bike instead of getting a car. And it's also why I get up early and leave the house at 5:30 to take a walk around the forest and fields.
The greatest euphoria is still in academic musings and deconstruction of theoretical problems, but you can't have that every day and the meantime should have some baseline of rewarding activity or you may slide into a depression. I hope that one day, after enough progress in meditation, I have access to this at any time, but until then, I will continue to find rewarding experiences in mundane physical tasks. Don't underestimate their value.
No. 10916
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Nothing substantial today. I'm still helping out in the library with computers and general planning and rearranging. The librarian says I'm a great asset to the place, because I know relatively well the collection, and I'm on good terms with the schools leadership, so I can "lobby" if something is needed. (I'm made acquaintances with both of the vice principals, they like me, so I can channel some urgent needs of the student body, despite not being a member of the student council). For the first time in my life I feel like an important person.

I almost had an ethics class today. I sat in the room for 10 minutes, then I went looking for the teacher, saw her drinking tea with honey. I said to myself, "Well, if they are having a chit-chat with tea, then there won't be a class". So I went back for my back and fucked off from class. Met the music teacher on my way to the library and she invited me in. I wanted to ask her about Shostakovich and Mahler. This sorta happened, in 5 minutes she told me how she doesn't like Shostakovich because he's "Soviet", rather than Russian, and how Mahler is above my age group, though Kindertotenlieder is a really good work of his. She then took control of the conversation, and I was stuck there, listening to school gossip for 30 minutes. She also asked me about what I do. It turned out to be a really sad "interrogation". "Do you follow the news?" "No." "You watch movies?" "No" "Do you watch TV?" "No, I abhor Television" "Do you go out with friends?" "Not really" "Do you have any friends?" "Some online" "It's like you are not even part of the class you go to" "I don't really associate with them"

Haven't had much time to look at flashcards today, which is sad.
Read 40 pages of that history book. So far it's just laying the groundwork for Hungary's history, with explaining Roman culture, Barbarian systems, how tribes used to work, and how great migrations happened, alongside a general cultural history of the Church and states from the Roman times 'till the 1000s. Currently reading about Islam and its victories. I remember last year I was asked to give a presentation in History class about Islam. "It should be 20 minutes long". I ended up talking the whole 45 minutes. I essentially taught my class the whole chapter on Islam. Good times, good times.

I was given the task to hold a 10 minute presentation on an extracurricular poem on Monday. I also have to write an essay on another poem.
No. 10924
I don't undervalue menial tasks. I do my fair share of them on the weekend as relaxation, but these hours are officially part of my "Studies", and it's just wasting away, nothing to show for it, maybe besides developing a bit of disdain for the state and the party that introduced it.
No. 10940
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>This sorta happened, in 5 minutes she told me how she doesn't like Shostakovich because he's "Soviet", rather than Russian
This person isn't worth the air she breathes.
No. 10946
that feel when you rebound hard from your depression, play path of exile for 40 hours then pass out

cyclothimia, a gift from the gods
No. 10949
Ah, don't be so negative. She's just new and trying to get in touch in the only way she can until I'm security vetted. The problem was as soon as I got an email I'd looked her up and found all the details of my position (the wonders of the information age) so I was left testing soundness.

Don't thumb your nose too hard at it. The experiences can give you something to talk about when employers test a competency. I'll give you one of my drafts as an example (do not steal, it’s written for a checklist):

>During my studies I volunteered as an academic liaison for the law school. This role consisted of listening to student problems and discussing any academic issues with staff.

>In the performance of this role I became aware that students who commuted or held childcare commitments faced considerable hardship owing to a requirement of physical coursework submission. This meant that when deadlines loomed students were forced to make a journey for a task that would ordinarily be performed electronically. Despite this issue however students had not felt comfortable complaining as the head of the law school proved reluctant to embrace technology.

>Having been made aware of this issue I immediately set about planning how to bring about policy change. To do this I first built a bigger picture of the resultant issues the students faced to strengthen arguments of accessibility. Secondly, I found a time to raise the issue when another member of staff would be within earshot. This ensured that someone was present to organise training of the electronic submission system after I had left. Thereby not only did I raise the issue beyond my own level but also facilitated an immediate solution that did not risk the school head losing face.

>As a result of these actions I successfully changed policy and later ensured students were aware of the success to build system confidence. Many students were resultantly thankful for the extra time to complete their work and therefore the university itself benefited from stronger and more inclusive performance.

I find it neat you played Path of Exile on your own path of exile. Shame there is no 'return from exile' game, an indie-rpg where a long-term neet begins a quest to reintegrate into society facing various hurdles like job interviews and correct socialisation.
No. 10955
Well, I consider this day to be done. I didn't do much. Picked some in the room, read a lot, listened to music.
I also watched a film for the first time since time immemorial out of my own volition. (I'm usually dragged to the cinema by my family once or twice a year, but I never particularly care for the movie we watch.)
It was an okay, low budget film on the life of Gustav Mahler, it tried to be overly symbolic in my opinion. It was a bit tasteless at times with its blatant sexuality, but it was still serviceable. The soundtrack was mostly from the 3rd and 6th symphonies, which are my favourite pieces, instantly recognized them.
It was nearly 2 hours long, but it still felt short, and it didn't really tell you much. Maybe I'm just really used to long books by now, and I can't appreciate the fun movies offer as an art, even if they can't penetrate a subject so deeply.
This might sound like I'm far up my own ass, but I really can't appreciate movies, since I'm not used to them at all.
No. 10965
Well, I'm getting less optimistic about my condition.

I'm basically back to 1st year of uni levels of productivity. Which is: "a fucking loser".

It's an upgrade from "a fucking loser with obvious mental health issues", but by how much? I still have nothing that would make me "normal" or socially successful.

My mind suffers less, but as a person, I'm as useless as ever.
No. 10967
Just use jew tube and build a house in the woods.
You lack purpose because you lack work, you despise work because it is underpaid, you do not have the temperment or skills to start your own buisiness.
You have 1 million reasons why you can not join the military, learn a trade, move abroad, move out of your parents house, finish your studies.
If you want some new-age advice, every journey begins with a simple step.
No. 10976
PROTIP stop focusing on yourself so much
No. 11029
Maybe you just don't know the right movies?

Important note. Yet psychosis and the depression connected to it is about a delirium or fad or craze or whatever word actually fits the bill here rightly, I don't know. And this craze is a system that has you as a center and which takes over control and is kinda hard to resist without meds or other help from outside.
No. 11031
>Maybe you just don't know the right movies?
Most probably. And another big thing is that I just don't care. I don't have the attention-span to sit and watch a 90 to 120 minutes long film. And that's with me having a relatively long attention-span for gen Z kid.
Maybe it's just the format. I can pay attention to books, and I never dose off at the theatre when I get the chance to see a play.
No. 11032
A good movie might make you sit through tho. My attention span isn't the best either. But a good book or movie I can watch or read for 1-2h without taking a break. It's not just Gen Z, even older people around 30 or so got their attention spans crippled, depending on their use of technological devices and such.
No. 11034
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Today has been miserable. My sister is hungover and is acting like it's everybody else's fault, being really bitchy and passive agressive plus just more judgmental bullcrap because I operate on a different wavelength. I think that I'm going to stop unpacking and indeed repack unnecessary comfort items in my room so that when I get a new job, I can start looking at moving into a cheap solo flat somewhere.
No. 11062
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When I used to watch a lot of movies, I watched out for interesting scenes to screencap, I guess that might help to pay closer attention. But it's true, primarily you have to be really interested, I also read up a lot on different directors and film history etc.
No. 11063
I love colour themes and how they convey the meaning or purpose.
No. 11065
I keep failing to write that essay on that poem. Makes me feel like an utter failure. Finished half a page, I need another half, but I can't logically connect the contents to the structure. I'll lose my streak of good notes with this, I'm afraid.

Today was my sister's birthday. I drank a small glass of champagne and I feel really bad now. Mentally that is. It makes all my doubts come out, I feel incredibly anxious.
My father and mother demanded I contribute to the present with a thousand forints (Roughly 3 euros), so I don't have enough money for the two volume Parzival book again :D
"You should be glad that you got off this cheap"

Spent most of the day listening to music and reading history and philosophy. I've decided that the next piece of fiction I'll read will be the libretto of Wagner's Ring. I need to prepare, because I want to watch the thing during the autumn break.

I'm going to skip school tomorrow. I'm not prepared to talk about something for 10 minutes.

I hate myself right now.
No. 11068
There's something so relentlessly Satanic about destroying an actual paradise with nuclear weapons
No. 11092
Today I had to get a tooth repaired by my dentist.

It wasnt even that bad.
I have a terrible phobia but this guy is so great that I take 2 hours publoc transport for every appoontement.

And i will see him again in half a year without worries. A small step for humankind but a big one for me.

t. sissy
No. 11093
I have fear of dantists too, I think when I'll go to danticst next time in my life, I'd pick one which servises cost the most in hope it will have no pain.
No. 11103
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No. 11104
I don't fear the dentist, just his nagging about how I should brush my teeth in the evening too and that I need to use floss.
Then again last time I went there was about 4 years ago.
No. 11106
After reading "Soumission" I was watching a few interviews with Houellebecq and I'll definitely read more of his works.

But just now my mind drifted away a bit: in the bus I use daily there often are refugees as well (not far away we've got a shelter) and there is one guy among them who is bearded and always wears his traditional cloak (and stinks like piss). He looks completely mental and often talks to other refugees in arabic, but they usually react ashamed and try to look away from him. He keeps asking everyone who looks like he could be a muslim something like "salaam [not-understandable words]", it's always the same few words. He is also continually moving his body backwards and forwards, I know that this is a form of praying in Islam but I have never seen someone do it all the time. He really makes an impression as if he would be close to a nervous breakdown, his voice is fearful with slight agression. Should I contact the shelter or anything? Mostly bdylos or other immigrants are using the bus so nobody cares anyways (last times some russians laughed about him when he left the bus) but I guess radical islamic beliefs and blatant mental illness is a bad mixture and may leas to violence. On the other side I'd feel like a snitch and there's not much that I hate more than being one.
No. 11108
How long is this place alive? how legit is it to ernstchan.com ? I missed it quite
No. 11110
It's pretty much all the old people from EC plus a few holdovers who found the alternatives far too cancerous. We've been online since, idk beginning of the summer? Spring? .xyz went up not long after .com went down. I haven't seen a single gaytex or kapeki shitpost since like March. Are those two even still around?
No. 11113
>radical islamic beliefs
>traditional close and praying
>it's radical islam y'all

Phew. My guess is he just had a breakdown back in his country of origin because he has seen some shit. Perhaps it turned him closer to his believe. You really must be a good person for the suspicion doctrine authorities and security institutions impose upon society ... usually terrorist are not loonies who cannot keep up with regular hygiene, just as a side note for your uncomfortable mind.

But whatever, you can call the authorities and they will bring him to some other institution or let him alone anyway because he is just some loonie.

Legit. We rarely have annoying shitposts like on kohlcancnal
No. 11114
There was an episode of "Durch die Nacht mit..." with Houellebecq, unfortunately it's not available online afaik but there's a sort of transcript & it's pretty hilarious: https://heroculte.wordpress.com/2015/01/24/a-night-with-michel-houellebecq/

As for the guy, just use your judgement, as long as he's not violent or anything I doubt anybody would do much about it anyways
No. 11119
I think dentists are mostly in it to lecture people, the job sound rather hellish otherwise. My one also likes to ask me questions while working on my mouth, I say nothing and he asks again so then I try to reply (without moving my jaw) and he tells me off.

Fuck that guy. I'm going to eat something sugary tomorrow just to spite him.

Salam alaikum? He's probably just a bus nutter that society has collectively decided to leave alone.

It's like the old Ernstchan before Krautchan went down. We seem to be somewhat hard to find which has kept the quality up.
No. 11121
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what the hell :(
No. 11125
2,5 MB, 4576 × 1200
Whichever cancerous board that was did you a favor
No. 11139 Kontra
Do I miss KC? A lot.
Do I want KC back? Hard to say.
No. 11157
2,3 MB, 4576 × 1200
Updated that pic.
No. 11159
Well done.
No. 11160
Moving his body back and forth? This is at least no prayer I would have ever heard of in Islam. I have seen Jews doing that in Jerusalem at this wall. Maybe he's just bonkers.

Also, he's peobably saying salaam aleikom means peace be with you in Arabic, very similar to the Hebrew shalom aleikhem.
No. 11161
2,1 MB, 2359 × 3420
Had a pretty good day.

Looked through the flashcards. I'd say a few more days and I'm done with this batch too. Also listened to the pronunciations online.

I started my new translation project. I didn't get far. Translated some stuff, marked the unknown words. This will be actually hard to get through.

Helped around in the library with some computers. I was asked to compile a list of the things that need to be done and are beyond my domain, so I did so. Hopefully It wasn't for nothing.

I've managed to get through the first part of the Ring tetralogy. It's a touching reinterpretation of the original Icelandic. A lot more divine intervention. I'll be reading the second part tomorrow.

Also got my hands on a weird book. One of my mother's colleagues sent this my way. A collection of American short stories published in the USSR. The stories are in English, the notes are in Russian, and so are the biographies. I spent a good 20 minutes reading the Russian parts aloud with my basic knowledge of the alphabet to my mother. It was fun.
No. 11166
13 kB, 237 × 194
When we will ban shitposting autist pol USA poster?
No. 11168
those were good times. we made that :D
No. 11171
It is surprising he was not banned sooner.

Dear diary thread,
Today I was an indolent subhuman all day.
And it felt good
No. 11172
83 kB, 245 × 220
Lol, youtube down.
Exact same second I created webmoney for donate for my channel it lies down in at least 1/3 of the world. Is this a sign from a god?
No. 11173
If you're referring to my post with Christmas countryballs it was to welcome Kuwait. If you're referring to that one super obnoxious American that's Nebraska and he's been banned repeatedly.

Looks up for me. We need a good alternative to that shitty DMCA'd ad riddled Google crap anyway.
No. 11191
236 kB, 1000 × 363
Gonna be +15C sunny tomorrow.

t. almaty weather pro

Also, the tree used to cover my window completely, now it's sagging down.
No. 11192
What do you make videos on?
I've got the possibility to get a google ad partnership since I had X number of views on my channel, but at the moment it is empty.
No. 11194
Do you have proper winter or such snow and stuff is accident happenings?

I talk about american who regulary in random threads low effort posting some youtube link or webm and 3-4 words per post.

I don't wanna any youtube parthenrship, sicne it not give that much money but turn to you maximum attention of copyright stuff, and I using a lot pictures, videos and music that may probably be copyrighted.

>What do you make videos on?
Sony vegas. Currently sony movie studio or how it called but it basicly the same thing.
No. 11196
Not as cold winters as north kazakhstan, but we get plenty of snow. Although, unless it's february, it usually melts and becomes slush the next day.

Almaty weather is fickle.
No. 11197
300 kB, 1024 × 725
Continental climmate at it's best. It hard to understand such sthings for coast-boi like me. Actually, I interesting in what places you visti outside city? Do you have any forests or culture of "go outside civilisation to picknick" or somthing like that? You have opportunity to visit other big cities?
How it feels to live near china? Do you have chienesee infulences, tourists, trades? How local people see china - as parthner or like aggresive gegemon who try to capture lands of their neibors?
No. 11206
Cooked a few kg of quince marmalade today, for the first time. Later in the evening I gave it a try together with delicious palachinke from the pan. Tastes intensely aromatic, the marmalade is a full success.
No. 11218
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1,5 MB, 3264 × 1836
I again bought reindeer sausages. But I now eat much less because on some sort of diet, so only one part of this delishious meat per day.
No. 11226
China has created a fairly steady flow of Oralmans. Reltions are diplomatic bit I would think lots are looking at East Turkestan and not thinking highly of them.

The Oralmans from China still use Turkic Arabic script too and it looks ebin. Should have gone back to it instead of this shiddy Qazaq-Latyn álipbıi.
No. 11229
God bless you, Central Asian -boo Aussie. Your quality assburgery is fascinating and heartwarming.
No. 11235
So since I moved recently I don't have a bank statement or anything, so I went in and got a signed and stamped letter from the bank confirming my address and the fuckwits at the post office declined my passport application again because it wasn't a literal bank statement. This is your brain on statism, the raw basics of logic hold no sway here. "So what your evidence is stronger than what we want, duh gubbinmint will only accept the other kind."

This country deserves cleansing by nuclear fire and nothing less.
No. 11256
Thinking of dropping my immunology course next semester for an introductory bioinformatics course

Might be a dumb idea idk. I'll learn immunology when I go to med school anyway but this might be my only chance to learn all the assburger techniques used in modern genetics papers
No. 11272
I had a pretty relaxed week. No tests or anything like that.
I try learning the characters every day. I also read a lot more, and feel a lot more energetic in the last few weeks. This might come off a bit personal or disgusting, but I've started denying myself pleasure during the weekdays. I consider this to be the reason for my newfound vigour. That and sleeping 7:30 or 8 hours a day.

Had a discussion with the librarian about Nietzsche's concept of the Übermensch. It was a bad discussion, because we fundamentally disagreed whether seeking power is good or bad, and if it's good to try to prevail over others.
And of course she brought the nazis' interpretation of the übermensch into the mix and it turned into a 20 minute long disaster.
More of a man with no facts debates man with half facts situation. I should brush up my knowledge of the subject, if I dare to publicly claim I like his works and was inspired by them.[/spoiler

My mailman bag also fell apart yesterday, so after 3 years of having it, I had to throw it out. 3 years of patching and repairs it's over. Fell apart as I was getting off the tram. Snap, the belt slid off my shoulder. Had to carry the damn thing like a brick in my hands the whole day.

I also lost the first line of my monetary defence today. Spent 8.50 Euros at an online antiquary. They had a cheap copy of the Kudrunlied and the Song of Roland. I want to read those, but my German is quite lacking for Kudrun level works. Though I've read parts of a Neuhochdeutsch prose translation at the school library, which I stumbled upon by accident. Moments like these make me ask the question, "Why the fuck do we have things like this here?". Not that I'm complaining.
I pondered a bit on why I like these stories. I came to the conclusion that it's probably normal for a teenager to like heroic stories about honour, chivalry, love and bloodshed. Correct me if not.
No. 11273
Aaand I fucked up the spoiler tag.
No. 11275
499 kB, 1000 × 1778
Like clockwork.
(Picture taken yesterday afternoon, been at work all night so couldn't post)
No. 11276 Kontra
I have few money left in my bank account. But I visited the antiquary to buy books for my literature classes. She had nothing in stock, In Stahlgewittern was bought a few days ago. Instead I spent 6€ on two Reclam books, ETA Hoffmann and a book titled Cosmology because I think it's an interesting topic: it goes from ancient mythology to modern physics, when I read the table of contents correctly. It's more than 400 pages and Reclam usually has those small typesettings then. It will probably stay a few months before I start to read it.
Another few euros gone that could get me enough to eat for another day or at least an important novel for the classes, welp.
No. 11277
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Dunno about other cities, but in almaty we go skiing in winter, hiking in summer (thanks to mountains), and also nearby lakes, like alakol and issik kol (in Kyrgyzstan)

Nearby being relative, it's actually like 100km drive there. Europeans on KC were quite surprised that we'd drive 100km there and back as a weekend trip.

Fugging small clay plebs lmao.
No. 11279 Kontra
Clarification: by "we" I mean almaty oligarchs (middle class).

I don't go anywhere because I am ernst.
No. 11288
This picture just gave me an idea.

I should start emailing Russians and telling them best way to increase tourism revenue is to start dyeing their lacks blue. Dumping blue coloring dye into a lack seems like something the Russians would do.
No. 11293
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I was eating my breakfast this morning when the chair made a very unsettling noise and, after a second or so, broke. The two legs on the left decided to secede from the rest of the thing and now I am stuck with nothing to sit on aside from my bed. I guess I'm gonna have to haul a new one all the way from Vladivostok to the campus since all furniture selling companies I've contacted don't feel like delivering anything that costs below a few thousand rubles here and I don't feel like paying that much for something as simple as a chair.
No. 11295
Don't people ever throw things out? I don't think I ever once in my life bought furniture because most people simply throw their shit away rather than moving with it, especially on college campuses. I've gotten numerous desk lamps, chairs, couches, tables, etc over the years that way.
No. 11298
Are you the same russian that asked how to lose weight in the other thread? I just can't stop giggling at the timing here.

Also, has it stopped raining yet? Have you seen spiders in the fog?
No. 11300
No, I'm not the Russian Ernst who is having difficulties with losing weight though I can see why you would think otherwise.
As for your other question, yes, it has stopped raining. Now it's just pretty chilly (roughly 5-9C during the day) and most of the trees are devoid of leaves. And no, I wasn't able to find any spiders that day or during any of the foggy days.
No. 11301
Hey, it's kind of incredible to me that we have the same weather right now even though it's halfway around the world. A bit chilly, around 8-10 degrees and lots of leafs on the ground, less so on the trees.
No. 11303
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No. 11307
It's the same here and I expect it to freeze tonight. Whoa it's like we share the same hemisphere or something.
No. 11308
61 kB, 1000 × 393
God damn it. There's a kids party next door. The endless yelling outside my window is bothering me immensely. It is also my little sister's birthday party tomorrow and I havent gotten her anything because I don't really know her that well. Also my laptop dieded so I'm stuck posting from my shiddy phone.

I am also going to have to deal with this passport shit one way or another next week which is more stress I don't need.

Feels bad man.
No. 11310
>It is also my little sister's birthday party tomorrow and I havent gotten her anything
How old is she?
No. 11313
21, so it's apparently important and I can't just give her money. I actually have to 'think' about it. Seems dumb tbh, I usually forget my birthday until someone calls md up on the day.
No. 11319
Has she developed any new interests in the past year?

Let's say she started cooking by herself and began to experiment with recipes from the internet; then you could look for a recipe that you think she might like, write it down by hand on a sheet of paper, go buy the ingredients and package those with the recipe in a gift box.

As long as you can find something that she has recently developed in interest in, you will be able to find a nice gift. If she has no interests, just give her an empty box and tell her to be a more interesting person if she wants nice presents. I haven't tried the latter, but I can vouch for the former suggestion.
No. 11324
1,9 MB, 640 × 360, 0:31
>If she has no interests, just give her an empty box and tell her to be a more interesting person if she wants nice presents.

Don't forget to deadass DAB on that hoe afterwards
No. 11325
>you could look for a recipe that you think she might like, write it down by hand on a sheet of paper, go buy the ingredients and package those with the recipe in a gift box
I don't want to sound like some sort of SJW, but, even if she likes cooking, that still sounds a bit like "Fuck off to kitchen and make me a sandwich, woman!". Kinda like giving a frying pan as a gift.

Why don't you just ask what she wants? Surprises are overrated, anyway.
No. 11326
If she is into cooking she won't think about the gendered stereotype

>Why don't you just ask what she wants? Surprises are overrated, anyway.

Good tip actually.
No. 11327
Indaresting idea. Will consider.

I have but she didn't even give me anything concrete. Tbh, my sisters are kind of scary too, so I don't want to push my luck and end up losing my heda, which is probably what'll happen next week when I say that I don't want to go to Malaysia with them. Especially if I have to fess up to the problems with my passport application. I'll probably chicken out of that and dig my hole deeper. Chronic fear of confrontation is a wild ride.
No. 11330
I read part of an introductory textbook on the history of the Middle East like two years ago and I hardly remember any of it. Feels bad man. My brain can't retain information that's not about assburger science topics I guess.
No. 11333
I got in touch with an old friend a month ago about getting a place together as she's always wanted to escape my hometown and knows London well. She came back yesterday and we found some lovely places but I can just see this turning into either a flake or me playing father. I'm much too neurotic to play father, mother is ezpz but I really have no idea where to put my hat and briefcase when I get home.

Quite the bother when I can afford a place on my own but part of me knows the kinds of filth I'll get up to in such a situation.


Booze. Don't over-think this, it's her 21st so she's going to end up crying and being a bitch at some point anyway.

Do you want me to call in a bomb threat at the airport?

Sounds like exam anxiety. Try answering some questions or talking about it.

Q1) Which Middle Eastern power struck a famous blow against the Mongol advance in the Levant?
No. 11334
Without repetition things won't stay in your head anyway if you are not an actual diagnosed autist which special memory abilities.
An exception might be special passages that are interconnected with other fields of knowledge you are more familiar with.
I still remember how Nietzsche chides history as a big romanticizer even tho that was like 8 years ago it stuck in my head.
No. 11335
Just replied to the formal offer letter.

I still find it hard to accept that despite being a neet instead of uni I've surpassed my peers.

My mum has stopped leaving burger king job leaflets lying where I will see them and now has left for me a bunch of documents relating to a mental health counselling charity. What is her endgame?
No. 11336
Your mum has been lurking EC while you're out and can only fear the worst since we're all mad here.
No. 11337
I know that she knows about "messageboards", but not about IBs. I will never speak to any one of those fuckers, and if I am somehow coerced I will falsify being a normal human.

t.laptop snooper
No. 11340
Your mum is actually a deep cover state asset leaving you red herrings to hide that she knows about the international Ernst cabal. Infa 100%.
No. 11341
215 kB, 314 × 318
Another day on the marble cliffs I see.
No. 11343
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When I put the money on the counter I saw some Insel Verlag publications mostly literary classics in marvelous design that started in 1901 and asked her if she has more. And oh she did. Probably around 100 or so, I quickly left just taking quick glance at the shelve saying I would definitely come back as quick asap because else I would have spent the other 9€.
No. 11344
>9 Euros
That's quite a lot of money to be spent at an antiquary. At least for me. I usually try to keep I try to get everything as cheap as possible, around 3-4 Euros or less.
No. 11345
I guess books are a bit cheaper in Hungary? You can get classics for 1-3€ online, the thin Reclams are in that range too. But a big Reclam like that Kosmologie with more than 400 pages which once was more than 10€ now costs 5€ in an antiquary. Her prices are not dirt cheap but not expensive either. Really people who go there are students and book lovers and educated people and they often have money.
No. 11346
Depends on where you buy heavily. Online antiquaries often have good deals, but their prices are often a bit too high for my tastes.
But it's still a hell of a lot cheaper than new books. (Those are usually 9 Euros and up, but mostly up)
Then there are also street vendors throughout Budapest. They usually have a per book pricing, so one Euro a book, or 60 cents a book if you buy three or more, though I've only seen this once.
Recently I came across a 4 volume clothbound War and Peace set, and I snagged the fucker for less than 4 euros.

Also depends on what edition you are looking to buy, and how many copies the government commissioned. More often than not there is also a chance that there is only one edition in existence, and you have to search months for a copy.
No. 11347 Kontra
Too bad my city aint big enough for street vendor bargains, sounds heavenly. But then again 2-3€ a book keeps me from buying too much.
No. 11350
Street vendors are usually a crapshoot though. They usually have one worthy book for sale in a sea of pulp and romance novels.
Though I've found a new spot which is quite well stocked and has barely any pulp on offer.
No. 11352
I've found some wild stuff at used book sales. Bought a signed first edition hardback of Infinite Jest for $2. I've also bought Ezra Pound's Cantos, Pynchon's Mason & Dixon, and other strange finds in similar circumstances.
No. 11354
It's not that there isn't anything good in used book bins and the wares of the street vendors, but most is just not good at all, even if it's stupidly cheap. I'm not buying shit, even if it's cheap.
No. 11355
Yeah, you get that crappy crime and normie novels at every flea market in masses + some classics like Hemingway I already have or not really interested in.
No. 11356
I'm pretty sure thrift stores and yard sales are much better in America in general
No. 11357
Do we even have thrift stores on the Europe?

And I never see anyone buy those. Or read them. It's a mystery.

Honestly, most vendors and antiquaries get their wares from what old people leave behind. So essentially, we are just waiting for smart old people to die, and hope their children are dumb and not going to keep the good stuff.
No. 11360
I forgot to bring money or food with myself to school today. Only had roughly 40 cents on me, and it wasn't enough to buy anything at the school cafeteria. But the guy running it gave me credit, so I owe him 20 cents, because I bought a few scones for the 60 gathered.
Feels poor man. Otherwise I substituted on the thermos of tea I keep with myself usually.

I've finished reading the Wagner tetralogy. Götterdämmerung was a bit disappointing imho. It felt a bit short, and not as grandiose as Siegfried was. I really missed the gods themselves from this "Twilight of the gods". It still wasn't bad, but a bit lack-luster compared to the other parts. It might be better on stage though. The destruction of Walhall really didn't come across in those side notes and the dialogue.
I'll be watching it on this long weekend btw. I have 4 days off because of a national holiday (1956), so I might as well go and watch it, since I already have a copy on my hard-drive.
Honestly, it's an excellent drama, the best I've ever read maybe.

I'm also trying to choose the next book to read. I'm going to continue reading that history book I've started, but I want to power through an epic during the holidays. Either the Frithiofsage or Beowulf. Waiting for two more epics to be delivered. I found a cheap copy of the Kudrunlied as I've mentioned, and I also want to read the Song of Roland. Both were quite cheap. Gave up on getting a copy of Eschenbach's Parzival for monetary reasons. I told my elders to get it for my birthday. To which my mother told me to "fuck off" because I didn't buy anything for her birthday.

Another thing is that I've decided to take an exam and get a German Sprachprüfung. I also want to get an elevated level English paper. While I do have an Oberstufe matura in it, I don't have the certificate on a higher level, only medium. More and better papers mean more points when I'm applying to university, and that means a higher chance of being accepted to a course I like and want to do.
I swear to God, if I fuck up the chance at getting a scholarship, I'm jumping into the Danube
No. 11362
I Hear there russian ernst who have weight problem? I kinda have it too. I not too fat but by default I have overweight. Last year I dropped from like 107kg to 65kg. But my look almost not changed - I was and remain "okay but a little bit fatty". And recently I have no time and willpower to do hell lot of exersizes and run and all kind of shit so I 75kg again, this why I forced not eat anything exept low callories trash to go bac at least to 65. I still reaming of being absoluetly normal body but looks like it impossible.
No. 11369
Lift weights, build muscle, it's more effective long-term than running, it's also what will change your looks. Bodyweight exercises should be fine, maybe check out "convict conditioning", then you have relatively clear progression path which helps with motivation
Also maybe check out the book in >>11323
No. 11370
Meme is, this I not that oveewieght but I so lazy and tired that I can't be like my friend who just eats and remain thin. I don't wanf muscules or something like that, I just want at least once in life look...normal. Have just ok body. I don't aant whole my free time spend on sports, I have other things to do.
No. 11372
Muscles make you look good, that doesn't mean you have to look like a body builder, look at a soldier or a boxer(cruiser, heavyweight).
Being thin/slim or not overweight doesn't make you look less like a faggot.
No. 11375
> less like a faggot
I not care about bydlo-type opinion, but about personal standarts. Even combining it with fact that I more gay than getero.
No. 11384
201 kB, 600 × 941
My kїtten.

Actually, mom and younger brother picked him up from the streets.

It rarely leaves under the couch during daytime, and runs away at slightest movement. Not used to people still.

So this is a rare moment when it ventured out into my room and explored my schizopost station.

Also, I figured out why my photos were so blurry, there's something wrong with my phone's autofocus. It focuses briefly on the right detail, but then unfocuses right before taking a picture. I don't know if it's a hardware issue, but it does sames in other camera apps, although I got one where I can manually focus and will have to use that now.

btw I don't like kots all that much
No. 11388
Shh, no tears. Only toxoplasmosis now :-DDDDD

Cute kotlet though tbh
No. 11391
Just got "Like the Roman: The life of Enoch Powell" in the mail and I am really enjoying the book so far. What makes it wierd though is that the lifestyle young Powell leads is similar to that of some people on this board - he is alone most of the time and does very assburger things - for instance, one of his dorm neighbours recalls seeing Powell sitting in a chair, dressed as if he was going outside on that winter day. As Enoch later explained to that guy, the way the fireplace burned made him less productive and he had a lot to do.
No. 11392
C-U-T-E what is the kїttens name? Give it lots of strokes and playtime for me by proxy. Kitten purrs are the best :3

>btw I don't like kots all that much

Heresy. The kot has already taken a liking to you and wants to share many days keeping you company while peacefully sleeping on that chair in the background. Kots love reclusive autists because they can relate to our nature.

I might share some pictures of my lovely kitty tomorrow if I can find my camera
No. 11396
Why are cats cute?
I don't care about their cuteness, but I can recognize the fact that they are unmistakeably cute. It's perplexing to me. Cats don't look like babies or an attractive mate (biological selectors for cuteness), yet I find them cuter than both (much more so than babies, which are in fact ugly).

It seems anomalous. What do WE look like to cats? Do they find us similarly peculiar, or do we look like giant babies?
No. 11399
I'm pretty sure you've aleady done so, but if you haven't go and read The Lord of the Rings right before or after you read Beowulf. And if you've read it already, please do tell how it compares to Wagners epic now that it's fresh in your memory.