20th century zeitgeist was pretty ebin.
All that romanticism, "will to power", etc. Everyone seemed to be in on the triumph of the will meme, even communists, who thought they could tame market forces.
Must've been an interesting time to live. And above all, it wasn't nihilistic like modernity. Too bad humans are shit and can't manage better, so it didn't work out. There will never be safety and contentment for humanity, not in God, not in authority, not in technology. It's accelerating, and it will always accelerate. I think the biggest weakness of the human mind is that very desire for safety and contentment. To stop change and struggle. To end historical acceleration and live forever in a timeless bubble world straight out of propaganda posters. Ah, ideology.
I love the idea of the original sin for that reason. It's a good metaphor for never ending struggle, that can not be avoided because it is inherent to the nature of human being. >>10813
Schizoids do in fact desire closeness, but the experience is so uncomfortable that most stop bothering. I try to get out of my comfort zone and let people in, but it ends up badly a lot of the time. Either due to break of trust on their part, or paranoia on my part. The first thing I think about when a person gets to know me is how he could use this knowledge to somehow cause me harm.
The reason for such discomfort is, as I mentioned, the lack of distinction between inside and outside worlds. There is no detached experiences for a schizoid, since there is no barrier that would protect the mind from the outside. Every experience penetrates deeply into the soul. Being in a loud crowd is overwhelming, because no input is ignored. Noises, smells, and other physical stimuli are deeply uncomfortable, because they invade your consciousness without consent. Thank d-g for earphones. Whenever I hear a conversation, I can not ignore it as some background noise, I can't help but listen, and "participate", mentally. I dwell on the words said, the chain of associative thoughts triggered by the unfiltered input take over my mind. I can't stop thinking even for a moment. It's exhausting, and I do crave this sense of contentment and peace, but it never comes, because even when I'm alone and there's nothing to do, my mind is always wandering. I even think while asleep, somehow thoughts persist even into dreams.
I flirt with the idea of suicide because it represents the tempting notion that I am in control of my being. I can not control my mind or my body, or the world, but I can end them. And I often imagine that if I were to kill myself, God would approve. I am convinced that I am going to hell either way, so might as well do a single good deed in my life, that is, ending it. Here's something I wrote down in my diary regarding this:
>Don't you think going to hell would be great?
>The Divine Creator himself will grant reckoning to all those you have wronged, granting them solace. You would be in hell, content with the knowledge that in the end, everything worked out well, and you don't have to bear the burden of your sins any more: God is taking care of it.
>Instead, you have to live with the knowledge that your mistakes are etched in time forever, no court of law, or apology or punishment could ever make it right again, and not even death will absolve you.
>Our mundane reality, where neither suffering nor joy, sin or virtue is even acknowledged by any higher power, on account of its nonexistence, is worse than hell.
Also, sidenote. The reason the statement "Anyway you in particular shouldn't kill yourself" caught my attention is because I am OCD/autistic about language. The sentence is constructed in such a way that it implies authoritative right to judge what I should and shouldn't do. Like you know something about me that I don't, or that you are in some way an arbiter of who should or should not kill themselves. Of course, what you actually meant is "I don't want you to kill yourself", but you didn't say what you meant. Somehow, I understand what you meant, even though you said a completely different thing, and I can't help but fixate on this paradox. It's not like I was offended, or bothered, so you shouldn't take it like that. It's just another thing I noticed about myself: deconstruction of language, being in a different "wavelength" from the common communication meta.
Reminds me of that one time my aunt asked me why I don't try to move to the west, since I know the language and have the skills to. I replied that it doesn't matter where I am, because I am always "here", and the only thing that could give me contentment, and the only thing I want, is to not be "here" any more. Of course, that sounds like absolute nonsense. But at that time, it made sense to me: "here" is just the place you are at, and I'm always here, even if I was "there", I'd still be here. And being trapped in "here" is the source of my misery: I want to be there, or with someone, or among some people, but I never am, I'm always "here", inside. (This doesn't make any fucking sense, huh).
i have no image to go with this post