/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 12772
1,7 MB, 2100 × 3767
So, today I decided to try meditation again, for the first time in years. It has usually never worked for me but decided to give it a try since my mental state was in disarray after quitting meds.

I listened to a guided mindfulness audio file. Putting all of the mental experiences inside of your sphere of awareness, and simply observing them, something I had already learned to do on my previous tries. But this time, when the session ended, I did something different. Instead of "ending the session", I opened my eyes, and stood up, trying to remain in that state of awareness as I went about my day. And something clicked finally.

I walked around my house feeling not that I am inside the house, but that the house is inside my awareness. There was a half sphere of visual data around me, and an infinite darkness of non visual sensations, such as my body, sounds, and also thoughts. I was observing them all, from the outside, as they emerged and disappeared. I could guide my attention towards any of those sensations, inside this dimension of experience that I was now soaring above of.

Then I wondered, could I do some unpleasant chore, while still being in that state of awareness? And indeed, I could. Reality was now just a window on the wall of my consciousness, that I could look into, or look away from if I didn't want the experience. If before, experience (be it suffering, joy, boredom, impatience, or any other feeling) was like being on the street: within the state of experience, and unable to escape, now it was like looking at the street from the inside: simply observing the experience, whatever it may be, impartially and unperturbed.

And so the same with doing. I was no longer doing things that were unpleasant, or boring, or joyful and addictive. I was simply observing my body doing the actions. I could meditate on the feeling of doing the actions, or of thoughts appearing as I do, or of anything else, but I was never "bored", or "displeased". I was simply observing boredom and displeasure happening to my body. And the body continued with the actions. Just as you may recognize that the street sweeper outside is doing unpleasant work, and observe him, without also "becoming" the street sweeper, without being engulfed and consumed by his experience, I could now simply observe my body experiencing things, without the experience consuming me.

Reality was now not on the inside, but a collection of phenomena on the inside, some good, some bad, but all safely at a distance, instead of close by and ready to swallow me. Thoughts would pop up inside of the sphere of my awareness, some good, some bad, I could dwell on them if I wanted to, or I could cast them aside and become aware of something else.

Turns out, meditation is not like going to the gym. You can not meditate 30 minutes a day and then expect your mind to heal on its own while you are not meditating. You must, indeed, meditate all the time. There is nothing special about sitting, or breathing. You can meditate on the feeling of walking. On the feeling of seeing images change as you turn your head. On the feeling of the water running along the surface of your hands as you wash the dishes. Even on pain. You do not need any special environment or place or anything in order to meditate. You do not need to worry about being distracted or uncomfortable. During my meditation session, the neighbor one floor up was drilling something. In fact he was doing that all morning and all day. I was not annoyed, it did not distract me. Just how I was aware of my breathing, my hands, legs, my thoughts, I was also simply aware of the drilling. Being distracted is simply the unpleasant state of being pulled out of another (perhaps pleasant) state. But you can not be pulled out of something, if you were never in it in the first place. You can not be distracted from awareness. You are aware of the "distraction" entering your consciousness, just as you are aware of whatever it was that you were doing.

I long theorized of this state (and posted them in my diary and on EC), the separation between thoughts, experiences, and the observer self being aware of those experiences, but never part of them. But theorizing is not the same as being. This time, I was being it. I also theorized a lot and longed for attaining "meaning", or finding some kind of "revelation" that would let me enter a state of bliss. The solution was, in fact, the opposite. Not to traverse the dark forest of thought and feeling, trying to find something that you are not sure of what it is, or whether it exists. You would get lost, and I did. The solution was, in fact, to simply soar above the forest. Look at it, appreciate it, but never get lost in it.

This desire to find a blissful state of fulfillment was, in fact, the cause of my suffering. Some say that meditation is a way to escape suffering. That is true, but it is also a way to escape joy. When people think about "escaping suffering", they usually think about where to escape the suffering TO. And the answer they have is joy. When you are in joy, you are not in suffering. But the answer is to not run from suffering into joy, but to let them happen as they do, while you the self are not "in" them, but they are in you, being observed.
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No. 12773
Procrastination is an attempt to escape the current unpleasantness by immersing oneself in a pleasant state. To forget about your chores while you are lost in the realm of feeling, be that browsing the internet or playing video games. But when you inevitable return from that world of escape, back into reality, you suffer again, now also from guilt. If one is to escape suffering, one is to also escape joy.

What is being bored? It is longing for a comfort/joy that you can not right now attain. If you are simply aware of your current lack of comfort, and are simply waiting, observing it, you are no longer bored. You are peaceful.

What is being impatient? It is longing for a joyful state that is coming, but that you cannot control the arrival of. This expectation of a pleasant state is what creates the frustration of not being yet in that state. If you do not expect to be immersed and engulfed and swallowed by the coming pleasant experience, there is in fact no difference between being aware of its absence or presence. You are always simply aware. So there is no expectation, and therefore no impatience.

What is being lazy? It is the desire to be immersed in a pleasant experience, in order to get to which, you must first be immersed in an unpleasant experience. But when you are simply aware of those experiences coming and going, you do not desire to be immersed in a pleasant state, nor are you afraid to be immersed in an unpleasant state. Thus you escape both the unpleasantness of idleness, and the unpleasantness of the chore that was keeping you idle.

Have you ever experienced an awkward conversation, and in an attempt to escape the awkwardness and anxiety, said things you didn't want to say, or didn't say things that you wanted to? Stuttering and squirming, saying things without thinking, just to let the awkward conversation end sooner. Escaping the awkwardness by shutting down your awareness of it, letting your body take over the conversation (poorly) while your consciousness is drifting away to comfortable oblivion. I used to think that the way to fix that problem was to train your automatic mind to such a degree that it could handle a conversation while your conscious mind was comfortably disengaged. And I even got somewhat good at it. But the solution was to simply let the awkwardness happen, being aware of it but not immersed in it. I could now say things that were uncomfortable, that had to be said. It it was not a matter of courage at all.

About courage, willpower, motivation, discipline, those false paths to beating laziness, boredom and cowardice. Those are simply ways to trick or overpower yourself into being immersed into unpleasantness, leaving the state of joy, so one may have more joy in the future. I used to lament my lack of willpower and discipline, disappointed in my lack of motivation. Turns out, I didn't need them. I no longer need to trick or force myself to leave the state of being immersed in comfort in order to do an unpleasant chore. Comfort and unpleasantness simply come and go, as I observe my body now experiencing them.

The vinegar indeed tastes neither sour, nor bitter, nor sweet. It simply tastes like vinegar.
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No. 12774
1,7 MB, 2100 × 3168
Also, chegg this out :-DDDD
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No. 12775
793 kB, 1334 × 904
Finally, we reach the enlightenment arc

This motivates me to start meditating again

Btw the way you describe being bored, impatient, lazy in >>12773 reminds me a lot of Part IV of Spinoza's Ethics
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No. 12778
108 kB, 532 × 720
You shall not get too close to the Beast for it may swallow you.

Neither shall you cover, hide, or run, for it may creep up from behind.

You shall grasp the beast, holding it at an arm's length, with a gaze unaverted. Only then shall you conquer the Beast.
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No. 12792
>>12772
I am so glad for you :3 Honestly.

>Turns out, meditation is not like going to the gym. You can not meditate 30 minutes a day and then expect your mind to heal on its own while you are not meditating. You must, indeed, meditate all the time. There is nothing special about sitting, or breathing. You can meditate on the feeling of walking. On the feeling of seeing images change as you turn your head. On the feeling of the water running along the surface of your hands as you wash the dishes. Even on pain. You do not need any special environment or place or anything in order to meditate.

Yes. But sitting is where you have the best chance to learn what you can then apply during the rest of the day. That's why you will still sit and breathe even though you have reached states of meditation in your regular daily life.

And thanks to your post I've found new motivation to meditate myself. I'll do it now before going to bed and then I'll sit after waking up in the morning. I guess I'll never finnish reading that book I was planning to finally get through today :DDD
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No. 12807
Today I meditated again, but didn't reach the same heights of awareness as yesterday. I was struggling to expand my awareness to encompass both the visual, aural, sensory and mental fields. I suspect it's because I went to EC first thing in the morning as I usually do (except for yesterday). Bad mistake, engaging with your addiction (internet/PC) first thing in the day seems to program your brain to behave a certain way for the rest of the way, and it's difficult to get out of that condition.

When I browse the internet, or playing video games, I become immersed, in a bad sense. I become wholly consumed by the activity, reality outside of the screen slips from my awareness. It feels a lot like a dopamine seeking addictive behavior, where you hyperfocus on some task, and all parts of your brain shut down except for the reptilian brain that seeks stimulation. It's a very similar feeling to being in the "zone". I don't still know how I feel about being in the "zone". On one hand, it's the condition you must be in to create art (performers, musicians, artists, athletes, all describe being in the zone). But on another hand, if you get in the zone doing something useless, like playing video games, it's very difficult to disengage from that state of immersion.

But even though today's session was lackluster, I think I have made some progress in understanding how I must develop my awareness further. So far the best method of staying aware for me is being aware of my physical body, as well as paying attention to the sight of my own body at the periphery of my vision, whatever else I might actually be looking at. It helps me view my own body from a third person perspective, and detach from feeling like I my body is myself, and losing awareness. But I still struggle with thoughts. Thinking immediately takes me out of awareness, I can not think and be aware of my own thoughts, thoughts consume me completely. Guess it's the consequence of a lifetime of schizo obsessive thinking and intrusive mind wandering. So I try to simply not think. I must now learn to think, and think fruitfully, while at the same time not becoming the thought, being aware of the thought. As of right now I can't do much intellectual activity without getting lost. My method for achieving this so far is practicing easy thoughts (counting, reciting a poem), while being aware of the voice in my head. Hopefully, I will eventually learn to think BIG THONKS and do work without getting lost.

>>12792
>>12775
Thanks for the kind words dudes.

>Yes. But sitting is where you have the best chance to learn what you can then apply during the rest of the day. That's why you will still sit and breathe even though you have reached states of meditation in your regular daily life.
Yeah, I agree, I probably wouldn't be able to just enter the state of awareness out of the blue, without the proper conditions. But it seems that a lot of people get the misconception that the ritual of sitting cross legged and breathing has some magical property of its own that makes it a meditation.

It is a similar misconception that reading, hearing or thinking about enlightenment is equivalent to experiencing enlightenment. People generally seem to give a lot of importance to thoughts and actions, rather than pure experience. That thinking about something equals knowing something, or that performing certain physical actions is the meditation.

"The word for Zen isn't the Zen", as I've read once.
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No. 12808
32 kB, 202 × 360
>>12807
With the bodily perception thing, I find that clenching and unclenching my hand in front of my face tends to lead to an element of depersonalisation for me. Might be helpful for you to focus on the articulation of the meat puppet without actively controlling it yourself. Adds to that layer of perceiving the body by having the perceived body do something almost unbidden.
t. unenlightened neckbeard
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No. 12813
You are just cultivating mental illness, dissociation and depersonalization.
And that is easier to do for people who have a history of drug abuse, which chemically prepares the path to mental disorder.
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No. 12814
>>12813
I have been saying for long that I do not care about notions of sanity, selfness, preserving my health or identity or whatever. Those things, and "staying yourself" are quite worthless when what you are is not what you need to be. So if I need to cultivate a mental illness in order to shape my brain into something that fits my ambitions, then great.

I am not a selfish person, what happens to the self doesn't matter, what matters is achieving what you deem important.
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No. 12870
>>12813
Please, feel slapped across the face without explanation.