/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

File (max. 4)
Return to
  • Allowed file extensions (max. size 25 MB or specified)
    Images:  BMP, GIF, JPG, PNG, PSD   Videos:  FLV, MP4, WEBM  
    Archives:  7Z, RAR, ZIP   Audio:  FLAC, MP3, OGG, OPUS  
    Documents:  DJVU (50 MB), EPUB, MOBI, PDF (50 MB)  
  • Please read the Rules before posting.
  • Make sure you are familiar with the Guide to Anonymous Posting.

No. 18204
78 kB, 326 × 518
Today Thread
(Today Thread)
Your friendly thread for posting diary entries.
No. 18206
Today I saw two obese people. I thought I was in America.
No. 18207
I only ever saw planet-sized people when I visited the inner parts of Budapest. (Or when I see middle aged gypsy women.)(But neither is a common occurrence, really)
No. 18209
Is it really that rare in Hungary? I thought obesity is meanwhile pretty global. Maybe apart from east asia. Since everywhere people adapted to the same american way of life. What is so different about your country? You also have a reputation of having some of the most beautiful and sexy womenz.
No. 18210
There are plenty of overweight people running around, with a bit of a belly or a slight chub, but it's not every day yo see US tier colossuses who alone fill an elevator.
No. 18212
94 kB, 480 × 587
This. Hell lot of people have moderate overweight. Basicly most of people or a little bit overweight or skinny, perfect-body guys is more rare. But I very rarely see ultra-fat people.
Funny story: when I was kid, pre-school, I had friend who was like me a little bit overweight. Well since I moved in different district when was kid, we stop see each other andwell after years compleatly forgot. And then I seen him - he not recognized me, but I have and duude this guy become fat as fuck. I sometimes sad that I has no perfect body and need to drop like 10 kilos to fit iternal standarts, but well, what I seen immideatly rised my self-esteem. Yes, Iam horrible person
No. 18218
Many people has enough overweight to be a health risk (one problem our society should deal with) there's no question about it, but real obscenely fat ones are rare.
No. 18221
>(one problem our society should deal with)
We are never going to deal with that, because we are too stubborn to reform the Hungarian kitchen.
No. 18223
Today has been awful. I'm still running a fever and my nose is aching from how much I blew it over the past few days. I also started coughing for whatever reason. I don't remember the last time I was this sick. This is the worst kind of sickness. Neither life threatening, neither small enough to just walk it off.
At least I don't have weird fever dreams about Russians and stomach surgeries.

Though I managed to install the new laptop battery. (One of them anyway.) It works wonderfully. I'll be able to get more work done with this. (I won't have to look for a power outlet this way to use that old trashtop I carry with myself, however prole tier that is.)

They apparently delivered the copy of the Odyssey I ordered to the pick-up point, but I'm not going to pick it up tomorrow. (Or this week for that matter.)
Honestly, if I were to go into the city right now, I'd be laying in bed for another week, or at least that's how I feel. Picking up the other two packages was a dumb enough idea.

I'm fucking behind schedule. I wanted to recover by today and visit classes. (Or at least to be able to concentrate on reading a book without needing to get up and blow my nose.)
No. 18231
Ate a huge packet of M&Ms in one day. You know, the one with the phrase "for you and your friends" written on it. Heh. The fact that I am still not fat in spite of how much chocolate I consume every day baffles me. maybe one morning I will wake up and realise that I have become a landwhale overnight
Such is life when you have no willpower and can't stop eating tasty things especially now during the break between the terms. But damn, not waking up at an ungodly hour every morning because of university lectures sure feels nice.
Though I really should get back to spending my time at least somewhat productively since I have already spent over a week of the break playing videogames and reading.
Or maybe I shouldn't. We'll see about that.
No. 18236
Choclate alone doesn't really make you fat iirc, it's the sugar mixed to those products that will make you fat.
Like you I could eat sweets and drink sugary stuff without ever getting an ounce of fat. But getting closer to 30 I have noticed that meat and white bread will indeed make my belly visibly grow and now I have to do sportive things to keep my shape, or - as I do currently - not eat as much as my brain wants me to eat.
It was a bit shocking when I first discovered this.
No. 18238
Nothing wrong with Hungarian cuisine. Every part of it turns out to be healthy. What's in töltöttkáposzta? Hús, rizs, meg káposzta, what's unhealthy in it? The fat? Turns out even pig lard is healthier than shitty palm oil or fukkin margarine.
The problem is in those product we consume on the side, the sugary drinks and the nass we consume in front of the tv - all right some of it can be considered traditional confectionery. Also noone exercises!
No. 18239
Don't you say it's cabbage
No. 18245
It’s not cabbage then.
No. 18246
It's rich in calories.
>Also no one exercises!
That's another big reason why Hungarians are fat. We aren't an agricultural nation of peasants who have a hard time affording ingredients for elaborate dishes. And we don't toil on the soil 24/7 either.
No. 18247
62 kB, 750 × 536
Fucking sames, I'm still thin but I grow a belly from all the sweets and unhealthy fat, salty processed food I consum(ed). I want to change, not only because I don't want a belly but also because the shitty food makes me feel shit more or less, I'm quite sure.

I guess most of us know the meme "why won't my depression go away" and it's true. Shit food, no sleep and no movement/sports will make you feel shit, more so when you are alone and not having a partner and/or sex to counter it a bit at least.
So I try to switch my mood, because doing nothing that results in nothing will only fire up the regret flame burning inside me. ... And I won't have a belly, I never had a belly and now I'm getting vain with bigger steps to 30. And the worst is I don't even feel like 30 or crossing mid 20s already and yet this behavior of mine is a foreboding :DDDD
No. 18248
My train just stopped at a place called Ernsthausen.
No. 18249
87 kB, 543 × 594
>Mode of popular ratings of TOP-20 highest rated Russian banks is 1.9 out of 5 points
I rate this rating 9.1 out of 5 points
No. 18250
I just managed to get out of all those and many more self-destructive behaviours.

I'd help you if we'd live close. The not-so-secret that you "just have to start doing it" is overshadowed by something I never hear people say: It's really fucking hard to get out of lows like that on your own and someone dedicated to helping you is worth so much more than an self-help trick.
No. 18252
I will start to eat proper food but keep my small portion of sweets a day. So far I dismissed soft drinks already, after buying them for some months again. A bit of training every other day as well.
No. 18259
41 kB, 400 × 132
>a place called Ernsthausen
They had a nice logo on their webpage, so I made this.
No. 18261
113 kB, 1000 × 667
Today I was at the library reading on a sofa and got bullied by some pubescent girls who demonstratively sat down next to me despite all the other sofas being vacant and started giggling, taking pics and squealing about snapchat. I tried to keep cool and read on because I had headphones on anyways but they were sitting close enough to spread their noxious artificial pheromones so after all I had to get up and leave for another spot.
Mistakes have really been made when they rebuilt this municipal library; they rebranded it as sort of a multimedia library with good WiFi and built it directly next to the high school. The idea was probably to encourage kids going there to read and learn but it turned out that many kids just go there to hang out on the sofas with their smartphones at best and gossiping and making a racket at worst. Also they already had to put up a lot of really big signs forbidding eating and drinking inside. It's a shame because it is a rather nice building.
Anyways, afterwards I dropped by my grandparents and they prepared a pretty epic meal for me which was very delicious.

It was a pretty decent day, all things considered.
No. 18264
1,0 MB, 512 × 288, 0:08
>and making a racket at worst

I had to read that with webm related accent.
No. 18266
It's the usual fate for a public library these days. They've become a place readers/people that need books, homeless and teenagers/young adults who want to hang out and need wifi/internet connection.

I suppose you don't live near a university library, given that you chose a public one?
No. 18267
280 kB, 384 × 216, 0:09
>and got bullied by some pubescent girls
Pubescent, uh-h-m, girls, yeah, uh, they are, duh, are pubescent. 16/16, would be a pubescent girl again.
Hormones are bursting, it's not an easy task to interact with a pubescent person. They are mentally instable, today they are this, tomorrow they are that. The further you get from pubescent person, the easier you get with them.
People say it's a lot cooler than the usual libraly. I mean, people here envy how cool libraries in Germany are, and how they "suck" here.
On the other hand, I've never been to library since university.
No. 18270
273 kB, 1417 × 1417
I'm on my way to recovery now. I still had fever, but it was lower, and I no longer have to blow my nose every 5 seconds. I can actually breathe.
I should be fine by tomorrow I think. Though I've been saying this for the past 3-4 days now.

So I might even be able to get some things done tomorrow. I'll try reading.

I got an email from an antiquary that they have one of the books I wanted for sale, but fuck me, they are selling it for the price of a new book. They do this all the fucking time whenever something I want is brought in. (They had three copies of Wittgenstein's Philosophische Untersuchungen, all going for between 15 to 30 Euros.)(Which is frankly, more than what I'm willing to pay.)
No. 18272
As you wish.

Oh, that's the asspie dating video. A short section of it.

>It's rich in calories.
No need to overeat then. But we also rarely know temperance, everyone stuff themselves up to their throat liek they weren't sure when they'll eat next.

Use this:
No. 18279
276 kB, 684 × 1000
I haven't left my room while other humans are in the house in about 72 hours. I also get spooked by the sounds of other people in the neighbourhood existing, and not just the sound of footsteps in my own home. Main problem today is that I've run out of supplies and will have to venture out to the supermarket and I'm not feeling up to facing others. At this point, I half expect people to start saying 'No mask? No mask!' if I come into contact with them.
No. 18288
I think I ate too much and all my organs feel like they're failing or want to fail. I am at the cusp of horrendous pain, and yet I want to eat more. I know there's a super size breakfast burrito in the freezer. It feels like the "I am full" switch inexplicably stopped functioning for no apparent reason. That is all.
No. 18289
50 kB, 554 × 581

Perspective is a funny thing. Now that I've written my exam I feel relaxed even towards the noise from neighbour-man at ungodly hours. I can sit here, writing code for fun and I can blend out the noise almost entirely.
Feeling pretty good in general today.
No. 18297
Sounds somehow delightfully eerie yet haunting. Flirting with craziness a bit. Usually I don't buy so many supplies that I can live on it more than 72h, usually only 48h. Not long ago I posted here how the non existent social contact is dragging down my mood, yet I like being a hermit bookworm. And what you describe is exactly what fascinates me about being that person who stays inside for an unusual period of time. When the things outside the room/flat get spooky and unreal, when you lose grip to the supposed real world with it's tasks and ever flowing processes, when the neighboring sounds become something different than what they usually are.
No. 18307
263 kB, 313 × 503
Generally I have basic stocks that I can stretch a long way. Shit like fire cakes for example which are just flour and water cooked on a pan and sit in you like a brick. Not the most nutritious thing in the world, but it fills you up and keeps the hunger pains away while consuming very little of your rations.

If you really want to flirt with craziness and have the world morph into something alien, try blacking out your windows and staying awake for 100 hours. Unironically one of my most recommended experiences. In the eventual psychosis, you lose track of the passage of time due to no light cycle and begin to lose entire days to the void when you look down and see that suddenly it's two days later or something. It's also pretty mindblowing when you eventually leave the house only to find that spiders have found your front door a quiet enough corner to web across.

My penchant for the occasional bout of self-induced psychosis and paranoia probably explains why I really like the King in Yellow. One of, if not my favourite books.
No. 18308
>It's also pretty mindblowing when you eventually leave the house only to find that spiders have found your front door a quiet enough corner to web across.

And I'm out. Thank you, sir, but no, thank you.
No. 18313
No online deliveries in Oz.

I wish I could just freeze everything, fuck buying fresh everyday.
No. 18316
58 kB, 900 × 506
>I wish I could just freeze everything
That's what the winter exists in Russia for.
No. 18317
I woke up drenched in sweat yet again, but finally, finally I felt clean. A sharp mind and a clean nose after 5 days of "suffering". The time was 8'o clock. I lounged in bed for another hour, checking my emails and flicking through some imageboards.
Then I poured some of the cheap tea we have, and drank it with some biscuits for breakfast.
After that I sat down to finally read Houellebecq's Whatever, since I was finally able to concentrate on reading. The nicest thing about this all, was that I had no tasks laid out for me, since I was absent from three weeks' worth of classes. This basically meant that I had three, completely free days at my hands to spend leisurely, however I wanted. I though I'll be able to finish maybe two books, or at least one and a half.
That is, until 20 pages into the first book I got a phonecall. For whatever reason I despise phonecalls, and whenever I get one, a string of obscenities escape my mouth, the kind that is even overly profane for a Hungarian curse.
So I curse, and pick up the phone. It's the voice of an older woman. She says she is looking for Ernstovich Ernst, and that happens to be me.
So I finally ask who is it.
>It's Frau XY of [Highschool]
So we finally recognise each other. The vice principal/Literature teacher gave me a call because she hasn't seen me in class for two weeks now and was "worried" and "missed me". She inquired about the state of my well being, and if I was going to visit classes at all this term. Told her I was sick ("Well, you sound sick, I can hear that!"), and that we missed each other last week on the single day I went in.
She wished me all the best and just before putting down the phone, she told me that
>Oh, you should read Crime and Punishment by Wednesday, Ernst
Well, well, work never lets you rest, does it. I though I could escape doing anything for three days, and yet, here we are, talking on the phone about tasks.
On one hand, she called me, which is a nice gesture, on the other, she just gave me a task that I'll have to plan around, something that I wanted to avoid.
Though at least it's a Russian novel. If she told me "Well, read Dickens' David Copperfield by Wednesday", I would have just said "Dickens is shit" and hung up the phone.
After this little chitchat was over, I sat in my armchair, "meditating" about what should I do about this. I decided to make coffee, and then I dove head first into the adventures of Raskolnikov.
This was swiftly interrupted by my a phonecall from my mother, who asked me if I have any spare cash I could lend her 'till the end of the day, a request to which I obliged after looking at the tiny wooden statue depicting a stereotypical jew, which I got as a gift from my sister, a memento of our visit to Vienna's Christkindlmarkt.
After handing her the money (at about I think 10'o clock), I settled down to read, and with regular interruptions I read about a hundred pages till around 4'o clock, which I'd say is an abysmal performance, considering all the cheap tea and that bad coffee I drank to enhance my performance.
The book itself started out as mildly boring at first, but around maybe chapter 4 it got somewhat interesting, and by the end of the first part I had to put it down, for it left me shaking a bit.
After reading part one and then some more, I decided to have some "fun" and read more of that Houellebecq book. Indeed it was fun, but by the time I got over 20 pages, I wasn't alone in the house, and it's very hard to concentrate when you aren't the sole living being in the near vicinity.

It wasn't an excellent day on a less snobbish note. Better than most, but that call threw one hell of a wrench into my plans.
No. 18319
I think I'm starting to realize there is literally no fucking reason to boot up the fucking computer at all.
No. 18323
24 kB, 600 × 338
Why boot computer if you never turn it off?
No. 18324
It ruins the battery.
Which reminds me. I should install the second laptop battery I have.
No. 18327
I am going through the Express Tutorial on Mozilla's Developer page and I'm finding it quite interesting.

Today I had a lunch at a sub-par street restaurant and the guy seemingly didn't cook the meat properly. Now I'm feeling like food intoxication is setting in again, I can already feel the paraesthesia at the back of my head and I'm burping and it has that really awful rotten taste.

I can't buy antibiotics OTC because government has put too many regulations in it - I don't really blame them, we have superbacterias outbreaks once in 2y. But stillß, only one single damn day after I rescind my healthcare plan this kind of stuff happens to me.

Does Bernd know any kind of alternative treatment to food intoxication? Like perhaps using a culture of different bacteria to fight the ones that are making me feel like scheiße. I really don't want to go to the public hospital, spend 10 hours and don't even get to see the doctor.
No. 18329
Sorry for reddit spacing, didn't even notice it.
No. 18333
>reddit spacing
It's called a paragraph. The only people on the internet too fucking stupid not to know what a paragraph is are poltards and youtube comment bydlo.

Somehow I expect that's a great way to cause problems eventually.
No. 18335
Well there may be no blank space between paragraphs but why not, it make it easer to read walls of text on imageboards.
No. 18337
Well, I think I could sum up the last three paragraphs in one since they regard the same subject (food intoxication). But it is already done so I shouldn't bother.
No. 18338
>If you really want to flirt with craziness and have the world morph into something alien, try blacking out your windows and staying awake for 100 hours. Unironically one of my most recommended experiences. In the eventual psychosis, you lose track of the passage of time due to no light cycle and begin to lose entire days to the void when you look down and see that suddenly it's two days later or something

I did whole weekends from Friday to Monday on drugs (and under people a lot). Resulted in a full blown drug psychosis. I'm still fascinated by it, its effects, but I don't need that kind of feeling anymore. It's different to staying indoors the whole time tho. Just a little bit of detachment from real life.
No. 18340 Kontra
>Just a little bit of detachment from real life.

Is what I would call flirting and which I sometimes do.
No. 18342
>I suppose you don't live near a university library, given that you chose a public one?
Nope, but I'm planning now to move to a bigger city where I'd have that option asap.

>Crime and Punishment
IMO it's actually so captivating that you'd end up reading it in a few days even without other incentives.
And again I'm amazed you read Dostoyevsky in school, completely unthinkable on the Germany.

There's not much you can do about food poisoning afaik. If you develop further symptoms they should subside within 1-2 days, no antibiotics or hospital necessary (though it might be rather unpleasant). Your body should be able to take care of it, just drink a lot of water, if you feel like vomiting go ahead and vomit.
No. 18343
Next week I'm supposed to be doing Karaoke after work. Now I enjoy karaoke, used to do it every week at one point, but the thought of doing it with people I work with in one of those enclosed rooms sounds like a royally shit time. Fair enough, the people I work with are tolerable for 40 hours but they're not people I'd enjoy socially and I don't really fit in with their normie-bullshit either. I don't want to be trapped in a room and made to sing along to Bon Jovi with people I know professionally is what I'm saying.

Also my shower suddenly decided it wasn't going to switch on and I don't know if anyone is coming to fix it until Monday. It's funny because I was just thinking the other-day that hot showers are one of those few things that make civilization worth it. Now I'm pretty much hanging on by my electric kettle but I'm sure I could find a pot and a fire somewhere if the power goes.

That'll teach you to answer the phone to strange numbers.

t.had someone try to call my work phone as I was leaving the office
No. 18344
300 ml of vodka, problems weren't
No. 18345
>Going to karaoke with your co-workers
That’s the other regional power island nation’s meme.
No. 18347
108 kB, 749 × 749
I was going to say something, then wanted to say something else, but all I can really surmise is just "island slavs." Like I would remark about him not wanting to be an alcoholic, but well he shouldn't be an alcoholic or engage in native behaviors.
No. 18351
Doing Karaoke on a regular basis but calling other people out for Normie shit is quite amusing.
No. 18353
169 kB, 300 × 459
Their curry is also a knockoff of Anglo-style curry that was introduced by the British.

Oh, what could have been.
No. 18358
Saturday, 9 o'clock and the neighbour is grinding away at the wall(s).
I am now experimenting with different noise patterns to block out the drilling sounds. The hammering can succesfully be blocked out by slow-ish drum rhythms like 4/4 at 60-80bpm.

In case anyone else is in this situation I'll document my findings in drilling-cancellation noise research here.
No. 18361
Li-ion batteries are ruined whether or not they are connected, they naturally deteriorate over time. Deterioration is worse if charge level is at 0% or 100%, ideally they are kept at 50% if they are not needed. For my laptop I set the charging scheme to never charge beyond 80% and only start charging once it drops below 40%. That way the extreme ends of the spectrum, that cause most deterioration, are never reached and - most importantly - taking the laptop from home to uni and vice versa will not trigger a charge cycle.

t. living with a friendly engineer help-helper
No. 18364
No. 18366
53 kB, 512 × 382

Play it at high volume and leave your flat to buy groceries or something.
I'd really know if your neighbors would be irritated by that noise, maybe you find one that is cleaner of other ambience sound than mine, there are even revenge 10h drilling noise videos as see now
No. 18367
I can't see how that would improve the situation. It would likely mean more things I have to deal with in the future. For what? Smug satisfaction?

A drill for a drill leavse the whole world drilling, as the saying goes.
No. 18368
Btw, I've found that green noise works best to drown out the frequency of the drilling. And green noise isn't as bad to listen to as pink noise.

Really wish I had noise cancelling ear muffs, though.
No. 18370
It wasn't meant that serious. It was just a bit funny in my head. Playing construction noise is only worse in the long run, and I'm not talking about the relationship to your neighbor.
No. 18384
If you were wandering what happened in the last days: I told my non-gf that it would be better to have some distance between us but that I'd still be there if she would need me one day to which she answered that she'd need me all the time. So, yeah we're still texting and sexting but no phonecalls anymore and she's much colder to me after all this but still needs me sexually (that's also how we met on the internet, she just wanted a dom but I instantly was fascinated by her. You see, essentially our little affair was rotten from the start, even though it felt so overwhelmingly good for the last month). On the other hand she really doesn't want to see me irl and doesn't want to really talk to me so it's quite a depressing situation but I got already used to it and slowly start to be able to deal with my feelings. The upside is that day for day I'm regaining my independence and overcome my addiction to her (one might think that keeping in touch sexually would be rather harmful to my recovery, but so far I find the effectt to be rather positive as I guess it would be even more crushing to find an alternative). My life is normalizing and while I still miss the time we spent talking to each other I know it's better that way. Also my highschool crush and me started writing each other and I feel very comfortable doing that. Still being heartbroken I'm by now just looking to become friends with her and see what time will bring. At least with her I know that there is more connecting us than the desires of flesh and she hows genuine interest in me and what I'm doing in my life, which feels very good too. As long as it's going to be positive and fulfilling I'm up for it. Also we're not exactly chatting but raher writing small letters online which I never really do outside of ec, the conversation is surprisingly good.
No. 18385
Today was pretty shit. I had no iron pills for a good week or two now, and today I felt pretty bad. I slept for 12 hours, drank a coffee, and I still almost fell asleep. I felt generally bad all around in a really weird way.
Almost finished with part two of Crime and Punishment. I need to read the last chapter. I'm gonna do that.

>completely unthinkable on the Germany.
Y tho?
Too Christian or "not contemporary enough"? (Maybe it's just too long.)
What do you read instead? Contemporary "young adult" books?
No. 18386
Oh wait a minute this was a relationship based purely on the internet, and someone you met off of fetlife no less? I am completely shocked and surprised that any sort of issue or neuroticism would develop.
No. 18389
Sort of, sort of. Not exactly fetlife and the details don't matter. You have to know I was at the lowest known point in my life at that time and I never ever had any more or less intimate relationship with a woman, besides some bad sex without any feelings. And at the beginning I was just out there to get my kicks and she wasn't much more than an object to me. She was and is a virgin though and she lives quite isolated herself. I should have known that it was a really bad choice to get involved in such a situation but I didn't have any hope left inside me at that time. I was only getting drunk, high and binging on food all the time. Even though I'm quite fucked now, I overall still feel better than any time back then. When I realized that whatever we had was falling apart I cried for about 9 hours. It was really painful, but I felt like a human being for the first time since my childhood or so. Knowing now that I won't commit such a mistake again. Thats why I decided to get to know my former highschool crush better: someone real, someone I know I like and someone I know in person. And someone who isn't hopelessly insane.
No. 18392
1,1 MB, 3120 × 4160
I see the fake Bavaria ball disease is spreading
Well, I'm glad that it seems to get better for you
I "minored" German classes during my last years of hs but the most challenging thing we fucking read was The Messenger by Markus Zusak, which is the epitome of a crappy adolescent novel.

I'm really mad right now and I think I'll have to vent ITT later. sorry in advance

t. drunkfrogs from a horrible bar in Frankfurt
No. 18393
Does tracer fluid cause itching?
No. 18395 Kontra
750 kB, 4160 × 3120
384 kB, 3120 × 4160
511 kB, 4160 × 3120
1,0 MB, 4160 × 3120
Ok, the story goes like this:
I went out today for once, as I was feeling miserable at home and got invited to some art student party.
Fast forward, I was standing outside, smoking, and some shmuck comes up to me and asks if I have a ""joint"". I mean asking for cigarettes - very understandable, asking for weed - still ok in my book, but literally asking for a pre-rolled joint - wtf?
So I decide to joke around a bit and pretend to check all my coat pockets thoroughly until I tell him that I unfortunately don't happen to just have a joint at hand. So I turn around again, thinking that was the end of it, but that retarded art school shmuck just gives me some half-assed kick from behind.
I was already considerably drunk at this point, so it took me a while to realize what just happened, but in hindsight I can't quite believe he did something so underhanded. Anyhow, some girl already chimed in pre-emptively (they are surprisingly good at sensing this sort of tension) so I let it go. I really should've just given him a good slap at this point and that likely would've been the end of it.
Well, after an minutes I realized what sort of serious offense just occurred but he was already gone so I waited outside for another 15 minutes, somehow expecting him to show up again. No luck, and my sensibility started resurfacing so I decided it'd be best to leave the premises since I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself if I'd see that fucker again inside the venue.

Well, that's about it, afterwards I wandered around Frankfurt (see pics) until I ended up waiting for my train in a lousy bar. I'm frankly a rather mellow person but this sort of perfidious actions just really grind my gears.
No. 18397
>So I decide to joke around a bit and pretend to check all my coat pockets thoroughly until I tell him that I unfortunately don't happen to just have a joint at hand. So I turn around again, thinking that was the end of it, but that retarded art school shmuck just gives me some half-assed kick from behind.

This is like something out of Dumb and dumber
No. 18400
24 kB, 580 × 435
104 kB, 1240 × 1653
122 kB, 1240 × 1653
>these photos
And you call that the winter?
No. 18401
Lazy people. We always clean our car from snow.
No. 18406
>Art schooler behaving like stupid kid

Pretty surprised he looses his cool like this. Normally art school people are "cool as fuck" but your example shows they often are not really. I think a good slap would have been ok, as long as he would not fight back furiously. I mean why kick somebody halfassed because he makes a joke at a party? Not cool.
No. 18410
76 kB, 850 × 566
>Anyhow, some girl already chimed in pre-emptively
don't listen to girls. you should have dragged the fucker outside. at least you should have grabbed him and yelled at him.
No. 18411
321 kB, 680 × 400
275 kB, 680 × 383
Got around to catching up on some RPG news today. Read the Green Ronin updates to see what they've got planned for Modern Age since I actually have come to like the system and am thinking of porting one of my personal GURPS splats over to it for fun. I dunno if it's intentional, but they're planning on bringing out a setting splat that is basically GURPS: Infinite Worlds but far more tame. I mean, sure worldhopping plays into the strength of being a bounded universal system, but it just feels kind of cheap. I'll have to see though. Infinite Worlds sounds retarded when you first open the books but gets progressively more ebin the more you read.

There's also a Gumshoe System game at the printer now based on The King in Yellow and I do love me some King in Yellow. I'm thinking of picking it up since it's pretty good value and love for the OG that inspired Lovecraft is always welcome in this time where Lovecraftian is basically a meme term. Luckily they're focusing on the 1895 Paris setting with the guidebook, since while some of the other books have interesting ideas, the Paris one is the most faithful to the mix of Art-Nouveau and weird horror that defines the King in Yellow.

SJG also recently reprinted GURPS: Cliffhangers which is for running 1920s-1930s pulp, and while I have the original in pdf, I'm considering getting the new one. Dunno if it's been converted to 4e though. Wouldn't mind it since 4e is a lot less work than older editions and using the update document to get the 'vanilla' rules is kind of a pain.

2019 is looking like a good year tbh.
No. 18412
237 kB, 1334 × 274
Last few months I feel so normal it's weird.
Kinda miss those psychotic states, feels like I lost a part of my identity. I haven't even written a good schizo ramble in a while. Reading through my old diary entries and I can't really say I relate any more. All those sleepless nights pondering metaphysics, experiencing that kafkaesque dread of being trapped in a reality that seemingly only exists to torment me. Felt real romantic, man.
It's for the better, but I'm bummed out about not being able to channel all of that angst into anything worthwhile while I had it.
No. 18414
34 kB, 890 × 985
I was wondering where you'd been. Just try and remember that during that time, you were often in a state of unhappiness also. It's not as though you've left an idyllic state of insanity for crushing reality. You've left one type of crushing for another, with the advantage that the stable one doesn't get your hopes up by making you occasionally feel genuinely amazing.

Also, I think it was around this time two years ago that EC/int/ became a thing. Looking back, it's crazy the amount of ideas we've bounced off each other and the amount of random crap we've talked about. Wouldn't trade it for the world though. Lord knows that despite being as messed up as I am, having a fren who I at least perceive as having my back even from far away has done wonders for my mental health. So thanks for that mate, hope you find something tolerable in your 'normalcy' and not just treat it as what is the 'correct' option. I'm not saying it ain't, but you know what makes you happy better than I. If you want to vent about shit, I'm still all ears though. It don't bother me if it's less existential and more real life garbo.

I think that pic related was around April or something, but it's the oldest EC/int/ image I have. I'm about to go to sleep now, but maybe tomorrow I'll have a nostalgia post written up for all you Q1&2 2017 /int/ posters.
No. 18415
2,8 MB, 1280 × 720, 0:22
3,0 MB, 1280 × 720, 0:24
No. 18426
>try to bargain with, lie to, or manipulate etc God at the pearly gates
Honestly it's just hilarious you would even think that.

Why would you not simply admit to your mistakes and apologize?
No. 18429
Actually it's more like drowning in quicksand: the more I try to fight against the detoriation of things between me and her the worse everything gets. It doesn't make it much better that she's unable to express her emotions at all, so there is literally no possibility to figure out what's going on in her mind at the moment. I need to cut contact for real now or at least stop texting her. This time I won't announce it to her but just try to not answer her anymore, so that there is no chance of her holding me back. (You've got to know that she cannot break contact with anyone who ever meant something to her [so for instance both one of her ex-bfs as well as her ex-gf keep on texting her even though she doesn't want to have them in her life anymore but she's too weak to resist], having that in mind it will really be for the best to get away silently)

Other than that I've spend the weekend drugged, obviously not a very good choice but I'm mentally stable enough again to do so.
Something that I need to work on more is not her, I need to live her behind, but the loneliness I'm facing now. Compared to some Ernsts here I might be a person with lots of social contacts, but most of those live in other towns and the few friends I have here don't have too much time, so I usually just meet people I can really talk to about once a week if I'm not in my hometown.
I know I don't need to go out everyday but those isolated days are killing me, especially after this episode of my life where I had a girl talk me into sleep every goddamn night. So, actually it's more about meeting a girl. But how can something essentially that easy be so hard? The thing is that the social circles I'm in do barely have any personal fluctuations, it's mostly the same people and women I meet there are either way older than me or gfs of friends. Internet/Tinder? No thanks (I have never actually used tinder, because as I elaborated in another post I was quite fat and insecure for a long time, but maybe right now I could qualify for matches, having lost a lot of weight and gained quite a bit of self-consciousness and charme. But then again it is completely repulsive to me. Say what you want, at least in the part of the internet where I got to know her, everything is just virtual and anonymous and not the irl meatmarket cesspool tinder is.). Also keep in mind that I neither visit university nor school and at my job there are only men. The more I think about all of this the more the thought arises inside me to finally get a copy of Weininger's Sex and Character, just for the shit of it.
No. 18434
>Weininger's Sex and Character, just for the shit of it.

Please don't. I've read parts of it and it's dusted or incel tier, I'm not sure. And I don't see how it's relateable to you or your situation. You seem like someone looking for love and can admit that somehow, these guys around 1900 are different. I wouldn't try tinder either, this forced shit would pressure cook me and spill spaghettis in seconds. I'm not even sure if I could have sex with a woman I don't love. Probably when horny enough but thinking about it makes me just sad and wanting my gf back.

I've thought a lot about my ex gf today. We wanted to meet after having met some weeks ago, I wrote her, but she never answered. Dunno if I should write her a message and asking if something is wrong or why she does not answer. If it's depression or if I misbehaved when we last met she mentioned the evening was too much already, when she left, or if she thinks it's better to never see again.

Woke up late, day was shit.
How are you? Capitalist society mood!
No. 18435
23 kB, 600 × 850
qt quiet Indian grill sits next to me in ochem lecture. I thought about striking up a convo but was unsure how to do so. Should I ask her the industrial production of the Ottoman Empire?
No. 18436
I can't say too much about Weininger but I'm not looking for some hook-up guide or anything. I just want to see what extreme misogyny looks like. Every great intellectual of his time has read Weininger and he was widely celebrated while not everybody agreed to his theories. It's just an interesting work to me. I'm not big on philosophy so I may have over-simplified views of the things but to me love and hate are two sides of the same medal and women and men can only love each other because they're so radically different, and maybe at heart every man is a misogynist and every woman a misandrist. I also plan to read The Second Sex though, I want to check out both radical sides to find some kind of median between them. A core of hidden truth between the poles.

It quite obviously won't help with my situation, nothing is going to help and it's fixed beyond repair. Now that you're mentioning your possible unability to have sex with a woman you don't love I get quite similiar reactions. Maybe I've lucky in my bad luck of never touching her, maybe it's not that bad then. But nonetheless I know every inch of her body, if there is something existing as purely digital sex, we had it. In fact I didn't care for any other girls, while she always also cared for a bunch of other guys calling them her "mates/kumpel" (I swear if I ever once again hear a woman use the word mate I'll run away as fast as I can). Guess I just need to stop romantizing this massive bullshit.
No. 18443
Cleaning day but not the usual, because I will also put dusty curtains in the washing machine and reach every hidden spot in this small flat. I love cleaning so much and it makes me feel so calm at least for a couple of hours before everything becomes dirty and infected again.
No. 18447
Sure, love and hate are connected. I know any mentally damaged person so basically most drug users, artsy people or woman like yours will know this feel. My own experience as well. I don't know how the 'normies' hold it. Probably the same.

So love and hate are connected, you don't need to read down right myso stuff from hundred years ago to get such an insight. It's more suited to incels which are not to be asked when wanting advice about love and relationship. These writings were made from insecurities that also exist today in the masculine world, yet time has changed a bit. Instead of wasting time with (crude) conservative romanticism I would just invest energy in handling your love life today the right way and to your satisfaction. the extreme opposite of this would be grappa behavior and we know that is helps shit and just perpetuates the situation, I guess he still lurks kohl
No. 18451
111 kB, 657 × 527
Wew lads. I just accidentally overwrote my personal diary txt file without a chance for recovery.

So many schizo ramblings, gone forever. I don't even remember most of the stuff in there any more. We die a little every day, and today, a part of me departed forever. Goodbye, past self.
No. 18452
But you have file recovery tools until it's not too late.
No. 18453
Nah, the clusters were already overwritten. It's ogre.
Oh well, that's what I get for "organizing" my hard drive. At least my EC folder is still intact, and I bet 90% of the stuff written in the diary was complete incoherent psychosis inspired garbage.

I vaguely remember something about acknowledging the existence of a tree as a living being instead of a background prop by hugging it, musings on buddhism, and quasi-humorous copypasta.
Something about how every complex living organism is topologically a tube, because ingesting nutrients and expelling waste in a single direction is more aerodynamic than ingesting and expelling from the same orifice.

Megalomaniacal fantasies about undoing reality for its lack of divine purpose.

Oh well, at least I think I have internalized some of the good ideas I had, and can recall them. Mostly ideas for paintings and drawings. I should probably get on actually making them before I lose them as well.
No. 18455
Damn. That sucks. Is that the broken hard drive you had? If it wasn't, didn't that have a version of it saved? Might be a little more out of date, but maybe not entirely lost. That or my memory is foggy. Who knows?
No. 18456
>Something about how every complex living organism is topologically a tube, because ingesting nutrients and expelling waste in a single direction is more aerodynamic than ingesting and expelling from the same orifice.

wow this is offensive to my pet flatworm, who is in fact very sophisticated :DDD
No. 18458
Nah, that was the new one, the old one is still in the old hard drive.

Although I'm a bit bummed out, I feel strangely liberated as well. Maybe it's time to let go, you know. Instead of clinging to the mystical experience of pychosis, to start a foray into, well, reality. I haven't been there in a while, it should be an interesting experience.

Life gets a lot easier when you aren't obsessed with the mystical and the sublime. Making art, or working on anything, really, is so much more straightforward when you're only concerned with pragmatism, rather than "purpose". Recently I made a banner design for my mom's school fair. I didn't bother with imbuing it with any transcended compositional purpose, and just made something well crafted, tidy and suitably kitsch for the intended audience. The clients loved it, and I got paid. Was it always this easy? Perhaps it's better to be pragmatic and sometimes make something sublime on accident, rather than be preoccupied with the sublime to such an extent that you never make anything in the first place.
No. 18460
516 kB, 1073 × 1378
It's pretty much just whining at this point, but I still feel sick. Or at least extremely tired for whatever reason. Still, I managed to rework around 1.5 chapters of my translation.
At one point, I looked at a paragraph's start, then at the original text, and I had to laugh out loud at my own unbelievable stupidity.
I think I can reproduce it in English as to "why". The paragraph in the original started with
>Left to himself [...]
Pretty standard, innit? So three years ago, I decided to render it into Hungarian as
>Magától balra [...]
Which is quite literally about someone being on the left in space compared to himself. Should have seemed evident at the time too. The good thing is that I can laugh at myself.

I only had a few classes today. My History teacher proclaimed
>Oh well, you aren't dead!
with a smile on his face. Indeed, I'm not dead. He later showed me a small book released by the Academy of Sciences around 10-12 years ago which talks about the methods of translation and reception of Classical Chinese poetry in Hungary. It seemed interesting.

Also met the vice-principal who phoned me about schoolwork.
We talked about Crime and Punishment for a bit.
I was told that there are serious problems with my moral integrity if I can proclaim
>And what if Raskolnikov axed that old woman? He did it, and?
Still have a few parts to go, and I'm only halfway through part 4. My head hurts too much.
It's like there is a rusty knife trying to cut into my brain
I hold the view that if I wasn't under a time constraint, I'd be fellating Dostoevsky's genius while jerking myself off, but I just really can't when I have to do everything because of a schedule.
I also told her I find Razumihin's character the most sympathetic out of the cast, to which she simply replied,

Managed to pick up my copy of the odyssey. The spine came off just as I sat down to write this. I'll have to get some paper-glue to fix it a bit. It just hinges there. This is what I get for looking for the cheapest copy available. (Otherwise it's in a good condition, it's just the leather tore on that side. Though what, I paid 2.30 euros for it. "It's a great fixer upper" as a used car salesman would say.)
Also got the Akhmatova poem collection. That's really plain, since it has no dust jacket.

During extra history classes, which I have with another teacher, we talked about ancient China. It was a shitshow. Assumptions based on assumptions. I was way too assburger for this.

I spent the whole day in one tired haze. I don't know why I feel so tired and powerless.
No. 18461
>Hungarian in Greek script
do want
No. 18466
I wish I didn't get nauseous at the thought of alcohol, because I'd really like to get drunk and listen to folk punk right now.
No. 18491
My Little Academia saga continues: Got a mail from my supervisors asking me to send them a final version of my thesis, as I mentioned that I was unable to completely finish it before handing it in. I haven't even looked at it in the past two weeks, but maybe this will give me some needed distance to see it more objectively.
Not sure how to take this, whether they've read it and decided it was so illegible that they are giving me another chance to redeem myself or whether they didn't even look at it but just offer me to send them a final version out of benevolence/laziness. Anyhow, I guess this is an opportunity. So it's time again for Cold Turkey Blocker & cigarettes.
No. 18494
I wish I could help with that one. Unfortunately, I can't and I in fact have half a crate sitting in my fridge. I have the opposite problem I guess. Such summer cases where cold, refreshing beer is one of the best ways to not feel disgusting in the heat and humidity.
No. 18509
52 kB, 761 × 626
No. 18510
There is potential for an EC tyre meme in this picture but I can't quite put my finger on it.
No. 18519
102 kB, 825 × 414
I will be working at night and sleeping during the day for like half a month and it feels like being a vampire who never sees the sun. Plus side is being able to talk to one of my work mates who also works late and used to live in Brighton beach. His stories are awesome because not only are they true but they sound like they came straight from Brat gangster movie or gta 4. The man literally lived years there without knowing English, used lines from gangster movies at cops when they stopped him, just straight up walked from the airport around stores asking if they needed a hand to get starter pack money, and got away with starting a business straight up aimed at scamming money with shady schemes in the end. It's surreal how far you can go by being a brazen cunt who just does things.
No. 18526
366 kB, 426 × 632
Yesterday I felt really tired the whole day. I almost fell asleep during one of the breaks. When I got home, I ate a big lunch, then went and took extra maths lessons. Then I got home at around six, had a big dinner, and then I went to bed at seven and slept until six 'o clock in the morning.
That revitalised me completely.

I finally managed to read part 4 of Crime and Punishment, and it's more enjoyable now that I'm actually awake.
Dostoevsky really gets in your head if you are feeling weak. It's not that he is enjoyable to read, but he sorta creeps into the little cracks of your mind only to jump back at you later.
For example when I was buying a pretzel the other day, an old woman loudly proclaimed that she also "needed" it after I put it in a plastic bag, and I kept having second guesses the whole day about whether or not I've wronged her in some form or another.
I wonder how many times I've mumbled the names Dostoevsky and Raskolnikov to myself as I walked around during the past week or so.
Now, anyway, I asked my history teacher about Dostoevsky and he gave me a bunch of book titles, so I'm going to read up on the works of Dostoevsky once I'm done with Crime and Punishment. He also said I have to read Notes from the Underground, which I'll do.
We also talked about Houellebecq, and he expressed his dislike for his writings.

On the way home I checked what the used bookseller had for sale. One thing caught my eye, which was Prokofiev: Autobiography: Childhood and Student Years
At first it seemed interesting and I almost bought it, but then I thought about it logically for a minute:
>Am I really going to read a thousand pages about a composer I don't even like just because he is tangentially related to Shostakovich?
>Do I really want to spend a euro on this?
So I left it there. Honestly, the picture they used made me feel disgusted. Prokofiev was an ugly man, no matter how you look at him. While Shostakovich has a few unlucky images taken of him, on most he looks between average and handsome. Prokofiev looks disgusting on most of them. At least I feel repulsed for whatever reason. (I can't find the picture, but it was him in a hat, grinning, which is an important feature, since his teeth were shoving.)
So in the end I decided to keep the money, because I don't want to dwindle my savings too much, and I'm going to spend roughly five euros on a book about Dostoevsky, and if I can "reduce" the amount I take from my savings even by one euro, it's worth it. Not to mention I'm running out of shelf space, and I don't want to create unnecessary clutter by buying tomes that are 1k pages long and I'm not going to read anyway.

I wanted to go to the library today. It was open between two a clock and three a clock roughly today. (15:05 is closing time) This is because there is no proper librarian so a teacher with the necessary qualifications opens the library for an hour or so, so that the administration can say, "well, we have it open every day".
I got there at 15:06 and it was already closed. I wanted to check if they have a copy of Pushkin's Boris Godunov, which I'm interested in, because it's a closet drama.
They probably don't have a stand-alone copy, but I'm hoping it's in one of the Selected Works of Aleksandr Pushkin volumes. I really wish I would have looked through them more closely when I had the chance, I only know it has his diaries, Onegin and Ruslan and Ludmila. They also have another edition of Crime and Punishment that I want, because that has an essay included with it, which I intend to photocopy.

Another nice thing that happened was that I decided to take part in the school's translation contest in German. Übersetzungswettbewerb, it says on the certificate I got last year for winning in the Prose category. Indeed, such a fool like me managed to win the contest last year. I'm shooting for victory this year again.
The text is shorter this time. Last year it was an excerpt from a Jugendroman.
No. 18528
45 kB, 1280 × 720
>The man literally lived years there without knowing English, used lines from gangster movies at cops when they stopped him,
This just made my day

Also in terms of refuge in audacity yeah, it works, but you'll still usually get caught
No. 18529
26 kB, 550 × 373
lese tagsüber nur noch Rilke .

finde eine "BILD" in der U-Bahn ;lese einige Zeilen ; die brutalstmögliche Dummheit brüllt mich an : " der böse Wolf hat mein Lämmchen gerissen " leider lauert der böse Wolf hinter der Bezahlschranke , er bleibt unsichtbar , so wie die weißen CIS-Karomhemndblogger im Netz .

frech grinst der böse Wolf ; fletscht die Zähne . Böser Wolf .

"Böser Wolf" denke ich und schon konstituiert sich ein böser Leserbrief .

"man sollte den bösen Wolf fangen und kaputtmachen , der ist so böse der böse Wolf" .


bimmeldie-bimm-bamm ; das Telefon bimmelt ; Chantal telefoniert ; Chantal ist sehr laut ; sie spricht über ihren dumme Lehrerin und die noch dümmere Melanie aus der 10b .

"das poste isch nachher auf Insta" sagt Chantal .

weiter im Text , Rilke wartet geduldig bis ich mich wieder konzentrieren kann .

im Hintergrund plärrt der neue Mensch , er plärrt und plärrt .
No. 18538 Kontra
I remember your writing from the thread on /b/
You should start writing a blog in this style. It might become a big hit like "Was ist das für 1 life" or "Haben wir noch pepps", infa 100%
No. 18544
I recently listened to David Mitchell recount his romance with Victoria Coren and it gave me a feel. He manages to be so profound about his whole experience without it once feeling trite:

His low-point especially hit me. I've landed on my feet career-wise, had many adventures, got money in the bank and can be charming (in an awkward spectrum-ey way) so why does someone I last spoke to 5 years ago still sometimes come to mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not going back into that - they can go fall down a well. I just miss something that should give my life completeness. Not just a partner but a best friend.

Maybe this is just normal and most people end up with family but still thinking about how things could've played out differently.
Fuggin valentines day. I can't even enjoy the desperate masses because my cold is lingering REEEEEE.
No. 18545
>He also said I have to read Notes from the Underground, which I'll do.

Wouldn't recommend it. I get that in many ways Dostoevsky is making bigger points about the state of man but it's literally pages and pages of "woe is me!" I found it very tedious.
No. 18559 Kontra
He sounds like 80s pop literature, not sure what's currently going in style but I know and author that probably used the phrase brutalstmögliche Dummheit brüllt mich an.

Anyway, he is shitting up threads.
No. 18563
47 kB, 500 × 542
Dear diary, I got sick from walking through the cold dark streets at night and skip work. It's bad because work was really easy and I'm losing money.

His stories kind of made me want to just jump on a plane to somewhere and just do shit. It's like a grand adventure that everyone should experience at least once in their lives. But then again situation in Brighton beach might have changed and they have no work nowadays. The guy was living there like ten years ago.
No. 18566
This sounds so Russian, and yet I don't know Korean.
No. 18567
Just pronounce consonants "deep clear way" and you basicly will have something similar to ear. However what sounds really "it's russian but I can't understand shit" is Serbian

Some words and even phrases are almost identical not even to ukrainian or polish, but to russian, while others is something compleatly different
Very wierd feel, like it's really russian but I have brain damage and can't understand spoken words.
No. 18569
I’m starting to realize there is no reason to turn the computer on, and when I get tired of reading and I have no chores, there is nothing left to do but to go to bed snd sleep well.
No. 18608
Today was pretty much pointless. Most of my classes were cancelled, and only one was held.
So I spent 45 minutes at the library and 45 minutes studying physics and then going home.
Almost done with reading Crime and Punishment. It feels like it's destroying me mentally. It's great and ought to be re-read at some point. It's interesting to see how an author can have such a profound impact through his writing.

Picked up a bunch of stuff at the library. Mainly relating to Russian literature.
Got a short Shezov book titled Dostoevsky and Nietzsche, which was on the recommended reading list I got, didn't find the one I was looking for.
I also photocopied ~30-40 pages worth of essays from an annotated edition of Crime and Punishment. (This one was also recommended reading). I'm the only one in the school who photocopies anything. I'm surprise they don't just tell me to fuck off when I go to the secretaries' office to ask for help to do this. (Mainly as a precaution, if the copier dies, then it's not my fault, they were the ones operating it.)
>Why don't you just borrow it from the library?
I told them I don't want to carry a second copy with me, and I prefer reading a nicer hardback edition over this stiff paperback which makes me disgusted. But alas, that has the essays, so here we are, in the copying room.
Another thing I was on the lookout for was a copy of Boris Godunov, which I failed to find in a stand-alone volume. After some searching I found it included in a 1k pages anthology titled Selected Poetic Works of Aleksandr Pushkin. At least it's on bible paper so it's not like I'm carrying War and Peace with myself. I also tried finding the letters of Pushkin to check how *What a Pushkin, what a son of a bitch!" reads like in Hungarian, but I had no luck with that one and I'm not going to buy the volume even it it's only like ~2 Euros. I need a single page. I'll probably just ask if one of the teachers has it and if I can take a look at it.
And with a sort of malicious intent, I borrowed the only annotated edition of The Death of Ivan Ilich, just as to see if our literature teacher is following the laid out questions and exercises down to a T, or if she has any thinking of her own. (Or if she'll ask where another copy could be found as a "form of distress") I'm just trying to rationalise this but this never really came over my mind the moment I took it down from the shelf. It's at best autism, at worst, a form of sociopathy, I'd say.
No. 18609
351 kB, 213 × 222, 0:00
Who would know one of my favorite songs is in Hungarian!
Sure, Hungarian is a magical language.
No. 18611
No. 18612
69 kB, 800 × 800
993 kB, 1030 × 1545
675 kB, 1545 × 1030
643 kB, 1545 × 1030
So I woke up late, felt quite shit. Nevertheless I took a shower and took the public transport to university in order to pick up a book I suggested for their library stock which means I want to read it but don't have the money to buy it myself. On the way is the antiquarian, where I bought an early J.G Ballard novel The Drought from the mid 60s.

Since the sun was shinning brightly spring is coming? I enjoyed the photo book from university outside in the sun. It's about the interior of a house, typical for the postwar BRD West Germany, federal german republic from the 1960s and what adds the following decades, many of you Germans here will get reminded of their grandparents houses. It also has some essays from which some are good, they are mostly from German Journalists born in the 1970s. I ordered it because I want to taste the 1970s some more, since I want to write my bachelor thesis on it. So far the plan is to explore how much the BRD was petty bourgeois, against the narrative of the successful BRD stories and 1968, I sense that many things weren't so liberal in the 1970s, the year 1968 might be a tunring point and has infested younger people, but don't forget it was more a niche than the norm. Want to write somewhere between everyday life culture and mentality studies. So far I'm missing a subject where I can explicate it, or I don't know how to go on in order to explicate it. My guts just tell me that I'm right to make such a hypothesis and I can proof it somehow. Don't want to deny the economic success or 1968 and the student revolts and their cultural revolution I just don't see the 1970s as the the decade, that made that change complete.

Notice all the chemical cleaners in the basement shelf, all old people basements have these, I wonder who still has an arsenal of such cleaners and is younger than 60yo. The feel for environmental things was for freaks and teens perhaps, but not for middle aged men and woman back then, perhaps today not all people are environmentalists but people are at least aware and I think chemical cleaners aren't to widely used than 40-50yo ago.
No. 18613 Kontra
1,1 MB, 1545 × 1030
No. 18616
False alarm lads, I ran out of medication and my schizo mania returned.

Although, not in the same quality, and the works produced weren't as worthwhile as the ones lost. Shame I can't be functional and inspired at the same time, yet.

It's also quite interesting how one can slip from one framework of reality to another, and experience completely different worlds, without retaining the perspective and understanding of the previous state. The world feels quite lonely and alienating during schizo psychosis, as everyone's fundamental experiences with reality are different from my own. It also feels lonely.
No. 18619
I have experienced a metamorphosis into a conceptually different being. The transition is lossy.
And although the memories of my past state remain, I can not evoke any experience other than what I am, in this moment.
No. 18623
I would enjoy more pictures, Ernst :3
No. 18624
I took them from the photographers online presence:

No. 18625
So a saga is coming to its end at least. Yesterday she and I had a quite bad fight, probably for the last time in our lives now. I was both drunk and angry as fuck (anecdote about the state of mind I was in: I was on my way to gathering with friends, carried vodka bottle with me and was taking shots out of it in public tansport while listening to Rebel Son. I was shouting confused shit into the night and I took a piss in the middle of the city at the tram station, staring at the people walking past me on the other side of the road. I was wasted before arriving at the gathering, later that night I cut up my hand while I tried to cut chillis drunkenly) I told her that she's mentally ill and as much of a ruined person as her mother for both are not able to have emotionally steady relationships (which in her language more or less equalled to me calling her a slut and while I wouldn't word it that way, she got to the core of it). I pretty much negated her, communicated that she is wrong in every aspect of her whole being. The actual trigger for the whole situation was her "falling in love" with some random guy she barely knew since 3 days, which I could not stomach. Keep in mind that this was just the top of the massive shitpile our affair has turned into, after building up shit for weeks now. She didn't answer my last message, she is officially gone now and I feel release. Sure it didn't end nice at all but it ended at least.

What's left is mostly misery and pain but also a feeling that I'm slowly regaining my ratio and self-confidence. Also I start to realize a lot of things, a lot of things that actually stood between us like a wall but I couldn't see because I didn't want to. Thinking about it, I had to force myself to even accept her and now it's all coming back upon me. I didn't really appreciate what she appreciated, we basically had no other common interest and fun pastime than the physical aspect. We didn't have much to talk about, no common ground. I always wanted her to be someone she didn't want to be. Mostly I just fell in love with her out of despair and loneliness and not out of actual affection for her. There is a reason why I've found myself so drawn to an emotionally extremely instable person without any feeling of selfworth. In my heart I knew it before everything fell apart, there was nothing connecting us. She must have had the crushing feeling to not meet my needs. Still the road to recovery is a rocky one, just today I wanted to buy a pack of dumplings. The dumplings had the name of her state on it, I felt a stinging feeling in my sides. A thread about body-modifications on EC /b/, there we go again. The cigarette burns on my arm, the self-mutilation I did to myself while being drunk last year, there we go again. Thinking of a random moment in the last six months, there we go again. Everything is reminding me of her, those wounds will take some time to heal.

It's only now I have this realization as the contact with my former highschool crush is beginning to flourish. I can be myself around her, talk like I normally do (my affair, well we had a great intellectual difference), tell her about my interests (which she actually knows and adores) and passions and I do appreciate hers. She is able to take care of herself, she is a positive and valuable person. I think we're both surprised and excited about getting along so well after only having very superficial contact for years.
Is it really questionable to cure heartache with sparking a new contact? I wanted to get in touch with her for years now (and I think at some point I even, after we had lots and lots of liquor at a party, proposed to her) as I liked the way she developed since school. Really my interest was sparked that night when I posted about her on here for the first time, when I still had my hopes up with the affair. She looked stunning and I read some of my works to her outside the building. Sure some part of it is dealing with the fresh loss I experienced but there feels nothing wrong about it, as she just also lost a good friend of hers who found a gf (a common friend btw, we all kept in touch after school).
I feel like I'm repeating myself lately but the change is coming only slowly and I didn't want to accept it for quite a time but I'm ready to make terms with it by now. Also I'm listening to one of the Yoshimura albums I shared in the music thread so I somewhat feel at peace with myself. Also I cleaned the kitchen today, it didn't look so clean since a long time. And I just forgot that I had a pot of tea waiting for me.
Good night to whoever has suffered through this wall of text about the emotional state of its author.
No. 18627
Handed in my reworked manuscript today after a week of anxiety and alcoholism. Promptly proceeded to get wasted.
Other than that I've been playing Pathologic Classic HD the last few days and this game is really something else, it's messing with my mind.

>Shezov book titled Dostoevsky and Nietzsche
Would like to hear more about this one after you read it, I've been eyeing it because of the racy title. Btw I think the proper transliteration is Shestov

I'm not quite sure, but maybe this is relevant, it's an (admittedly somewhat biased iirc) documentary about "Kleinbürger" from the end of the 60s: https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3nufa2

Good night to you too, Ernst. Seems like you are moving on well, even if it isn't easy
No. 18633
That made me curious which song is it.
No. 18634
>it's an (admittedly somewhat biased iirc) documentary about "Kleinbürger" from the end of the 60s

I will watch it, when I returned from work later in the evening, looks promising. Just to get perspectives on these decades. Yesterday night I searched some books and there are some about the Kleinbürger and his/her mentality. Mostly 19th century but these books feature theoretical and methodological chapters and abstract categories one could probably work with.

The good thing today is I'm already awake. It was perhaps 6.30am when I woke up from a dream quite clear headed. In the dream I was in some Italian restaurant, I made pizza myself in the back like I used to here in my home oven. Then There is an empty spot and I suddenly find myself seated with other people on a table. I ordered a meal and it turned out as some strange pasta meal: The pasta which was hard and twisted abnormally was served on a separate plate just like the fatty cheesy? tomato sauce that was not "flat" but bulky.
Desperately tried to get the pasta with my fork but it never worked and I couldn't get the pasta mixed with the sauce. The Italian owner commented on my failings. Wonder when I had a nice dream the last time. Ever since my psychosis the dreams I can remember consist of me getting hunted, haunted or failing something. Oh well, my psych at least always never makes me remember my dreams, must be a protective mechanism.
No. 18645
Ketszazhusz felett.
No. 18646
78 kB, 175 × 287
I spit my cocoa onto the screen a little.
No. 18651
Today was pretty good. I woke up early, and immediately started reading. got through the remaining ~60 pages or Crime and Punishment. It's an amazing novel. I loved how it got tenser and tenser. Of course, since I'm a gen Z kid, I had some trouble concentrating on it, and I took a considerably longer time to read it than what older people told me it took them. ("It's so great, I've finished it under my bedsheets with a torch in two days!") I just can't manage that. Anyway, I think I'm the only one in the class who actually took his time and read it.
I also read 60 pages of Houellebecq's Whatever. That book has me laughing at times. It embodies the zeitgeist rather well, I'd say. I should finish it tomorrow.

Visited my ill grandmother with my mother. Helped moving some firewood. I don't know how should I feel about the "impending doom" that's approaching her. I don't know if it's even my task at all. Really weird.

You'll get a (sort of) detailed account by next week if all goes well. I wanted to start reading it today but I had other things to do. Skimming a few pages it does seem promising and seems to be "lighter" to read than most "philosophical works."
The dust jacket has a few blurbs by famous authors like Camus or Mann.
No. 18652
9,8 MB, 490 × 306, 0:05
>kétszázhúsz felett
Essential boomercore :D
No. 18654
I just listened to it. It sounds almost exactly like Abba, mabe a little better. But it was made in 98! Also very weird video.
No. 18655
Because the communist were trying to fight off western cultural influences, there was usually a ~10 year delay with things like music, TV shows and fashion.
Your 70s is our 80s. Your 80s is our 90s.
No. 18656
Same shit, Russian 90s was american 80s and ealry 90s, but in anti-utopia
No. 18697
I not so sure it's apt. Russian 90s were I think something else. Although perhaps Russian 00s was American 90s? Well, let me tell you that 2000s ended in economic disaster and the 2010s were absolute dog shit.

Hungarian is a weird sounding language but some Hungarian songs are truly magical
No. 18699
177 kB, 800 × 539
178 kB, 640 × 704
270 kB, 640 × 481
>I not so sure it's apt. Russian 90s were I think something else.
I mean this...
No. 18701
It's a Neoton Família song and was written in 1981.
No. 18705
>Notice all the chemical cleaners in the basement shelf, all old people basements have these, I wonder who still has an arsenal of such cleaners and is younger than 60yo. The feel for environmental things was for freaks and teens perhaps, but not for middle aged men and woman back then, perhaps today not all people are environmentalists but people are at least aware and I think chemical cleaners aren't to widely used than 40-50yo ago.

This is always a bit of a culture shock for me when looking at the past. I think the mentality was that it didn't matter if you littered because nature would always take care of it, people would wash their cars by rivers and just let all the waste water flow in.

Maybe that says something about the times we live in. No longer is there an environment distinct and impervious but something embedded and vulnerable. It reminds me of how Africa is seen as a continent of the starving because of charity appeals, maybe sad polar bears has had the same impact on our perception.

And now in the 2010s Russia is involved in a Middle Eastern mess and economic hardship. But who will be Russia's Trump?
No. 18715
Yeltsin was Russia's Trump tbh
No. 18722 Kontra
No, he really, really was not. Go back to history class and reflect on how wrong you were.
No. 18726
How not? Corrupt buffoon who portrayed himself as some sort of anti-establishment figure while overseeing wealth concentrated into small number hands of oligarchs for instance, whose position in power was long rumored a ploy by arch rival Russia USA. One big difference is Trump has been isolating us from world whereas Yeltsin threw open Russia's doors to the world.
No. 18727
9 kB, 221 × 312
No. 18738
Mom bought me meds again, feeling better already after only two days.

The last week I spent in a barely conscious mind-haze, and had awful sleep. Thank d-g for medication, wish I was diagnosed sooner. Time to do something productive at last.
No. 18748
I don't know why people think it's necessary to show their parties and events on facebook and shit. Do I look like I care about boomer-jokes and your shitty workplace stories with cringy shit?

I spent considerable amount of time looking at the axe that's in the yard outside the house. It's a nice little Werkzeug. Now that I've inspected it, I'm not so surprised that Raskolnikov could hide this under his coat. Yeah.
I also looked at a brand new one at the supermarket.
Crime and Punishment is a great novel.

For a good two-three days now, I've felt a lot more aggressive and on the lookout for conflict. I don't know why. It's probably that I sleep way too much.

I took some notes on Houellebecq's Whatever after reading the remaining 70 or so pages, and that's my ""intellectual"" track record for the day. I'm going to do some homework before going to bed.
No. 18751
I made a thesis for my Louis XIV paper. It's still a bit vague but will work, will think about the structure of the argument/paper. Instead of reading shit for my papers I woke up late and spent most time of the day chatting with me mum, since I visited her. Now I will probably think abot the structure and read something, later go on with the Ballard novel. Not sure what to think of Ballard, he has it's moments but it's not catching me really so far. His novels/shorts aren't operating in the "obvious and visible" territory. Tho The Drought obviously plays with the littering/environment motive.
No. 18763
422 kB, 1544 × 2120
287 kB, 1263 × 848
53 kB, 639 × 800
19 kB, 385 × 481
Be careful not to cut yourself with the axe :o)

Incidentally I finished The Atrocity Exhibition today. I was also unsure about it and forcing myself to read it one chapter at a time for a while, but after I was about halfway through it really clicked for me and I read the rest in one sitting.
It's written in a very experimental style with the chapters consisting of loosely grouped half-page long fragments with only semblance of plot, so you're probably best off approaching it like a surreal prose poem. There are some discernible themes throughout which initially seem disjointed and appalling but really come together to paint a meaningful picture of the psychosocial media landscape of the 60s, particularly with the help of Ballard's own annotations at the end of each chapter.
If you don't buy into his worldview, at least there's lots of extremely dense stylish sentences and tons of cultural references to go on tangents.
No. 18768
Question: why call it Lada and not Zhiguli? Because one of these days I hope to save enough money to get one, and if rich to have an armored Zhiguli with bullet proof glass. How bydlo is this idea? Do they even sell such armored cars?
No. 18769
>why call it Lada and not Zhiguli?
According to popular belief, it was renamed so it wouldn't be mistaken for gigolo.
>I hope to save enough money to get one
They are dirt cheap, aren't they?
>Do they even sell such armored cars?
Why they would be selling armored cars in the first place?
No. 18772

I don't even know what it is. I like the weirdness very much but maybe The Drought don't does it that much, I'm half thru. One of his shorts that is part of the Billenium book, a German compilation from Suhrkamp It's funny that Suhrkamp had a scifi series back in the day, The Drought, Die Dürre is part of it as well also dealt with a beach and in The Drought it comes up again with a same feeling tho in the short story the uncomfortable feel was much bigger and overall it was more dense, what does the beach mean is my initial question as somebody who studied a few semester of literature :)
In The Drought there is this eccentric character, madness behind the surface, which is what I like about Ballard, now that I think of it, the novel is all right, but I think he has even better stuff to offer. Maybe I still need to get used to his Werk. There are some reflections on time and many other things that aren't obvious directly while reading. Also the Form instead of just the content is also to my scholarly interest but I don't have a clue or enough training to answer these question right away in a satisfying manner.
Perhaps I should read him in English, but the German Suhrkamp versions at the antiquarian are less than 5€ each 4.5€ for the last novel and 3.5€ for his shorts.
No. 18779
I spent the weekend really nicely and positively with different friends, which really helped with the heartache. Also got around to write a bit and get back into sports. Also I arranged a meeting with an acquintance of mine, who is a yoga-teacher. I got to know her through common friends and I've always liked her but we never really got in touch beyond meeting at the common friends' place. It will be ebin, we will probably have a walk outside together and assburger around about literature and spiritualism, I'm really looking forward to it as she's a very positive person with a great aura. Also I wanted to get into yoga for quite a time now so I expect to get a little introduction from her.
So after all it rather seems like my affair has rather been holding me back and I'm much more open for new things now than I've ever been before. Still I'm missing her and checking her whatsapp profile daily (it is getting less though).
I already see that this year will definitely be interesting, lots and lots of stuff is about to happen. It makes me feel nervous but also optimistic.
No. 18780
I doubt a 1970s car in nice condition would be cheap, not even a Soviet one. In fact, especially not a Soviet one in good condition.

>why in first place?
Because why not bulletproof your car?
No. 18792
25 kB, 331 × 331
Had a dream about EC, where I started shitposting really hard, and everybody here started hating me.

What does it mean?
No. 18794
203 kB, 1030 × 638
319 kB, 1024 × 768
factory itself during soviet times has no such name, it just "VAZ" - Volzkyi Automobilny Zavod.
On it's symbol it had Lad'ya ship, so export variants of cars for foreighns was called as "Lada", but classic series of cars inside USSR was named jiguli

jiguli VAZ 2015 in USSR
Lada Riva in England

Hovever other serieses of cars was not named Jiguli - for example VAZ-2108 is Sputnik

>Because one of these days I hope to save enough money to get one, and if rich to have an armored Zhiguli with bullet proof glass. How bydlo is this idea? Do they even sell such armored cars?
Absoluetly shitty idea - small car for general population with questionable reputation. You still can find and buy Goverment Chaikas, or at least buy some Volga cars. I doubt KGB volgas with super-engines avalible, but other cars there is real chance to buy one.
No. 18795
No. 18796
Dear diarrheay (did I spell it right?)
Today I ate a lot of fish snacks
I'm dying
No. 18797
>fish snacks
Wut? You mean крабовые палочки or шпроты в малсе?
No. 18800
Dried fish snacks, ones you get usually for beer.
No. 18803
Holy shit that's cheap. How does one get a car here from Russia? What retarded regulations are there and what features of a Russia car would you have to deal with US inspectors saying it is legal to drive?
No. 18808
3,0 MB, 3935 × 2947
48 kB, 231 × 226
Still trying to figure out why I feel more aggressive. Now experimenting with more caffeine. I almost completely neglected tea or coffee during the past week or two, save for the regular, low cost, ultra diluted bagged stuff with sugar and lemon. My mind definitely feels clearer, though I just shouted hysterically just a few minutes ago, so caffeine withdrawal isn't the cause probably.

Managed to rework 2.5 chapters of my translation today. I got really tired while doing so. It's getting "better", but there are still some really strange mistakes that I made.
While looking through the files I saw a subtitle file for the anime The Night is Short, Walk on Girl, which I translated half of. I haven't touched it in more than six months and now my conscience feels really bad. (It's a good anime though. I'd recommend it. A simple movie with damn good animation in the vein of Tatami Galaxy. (Which is also really good.))
Strange how I have so many finished shorter projects and some unfinished ones.

Got some new books again. One was a gift from my teacher to help with my endeavours into the world of Dostoevsky, and the other is a really shitty "Student library"[1] edition of Tristan and Isolde, or at least, some medieval French fragments. I'm just a sucker for medieval stuff, really. I don't know why. It's probably some strange form of romanticism.
Title of the Hungarian book is The poet of antinomies: Dostoevsky and the crisis of the individual
This was the one I was looking for at the library.
I also mentioned how I copied down the Essays about Dostoevsky from the end of that other edition, and he asked, "all of them?"
>No, not all of them, the "Dostoevsky and Hungary" one seemed completely unnecessary and just I felt it to be another one of those jerkoffs about our own country's relevancy like how the news broadcasts love mentioning that XY famous people have 1/24th Hungarian ancestry. Who cares?
Do other countries do this bullshit? I wouldn't be surprised if Poland did it for example, but I just can't imagine Germany or Finland doing this pseudo-nationalist dick measuring. (Though Germany has no reason to do so, because they are a "Major Culture", so that was a bad comparison.)

I have to make a presentation on a Hungarian pop band for Friday and I want to fucking strangle the music teacher for roping me into this fucking bullshit.
Basically, I want to strangle a lot of people. Like that old neighbour lady who said, "Maybe the young man could lend some help and use the wheelbarrow to move the wood". Yes, "The young man will do XY". All lazy and entitled pensioners say this. "The young man will give up his seat, I'm sure", "The young man will help you lift your cart onto the bus", "The young man will let you cut in front of him at the line to the cashier's, I'm sure."
Yes, the young man will be so nice, Yes, me, the fiatalember!
Everybody lies when they try to define the current governmental system in Hungary. Dictatorship, Democracy, Oligarchy, Autocracy? All lies! Hungary is a Gerontocracy!

Though when she asked me to make a second presentation about a music band of my choice, I just simply told her "No" and refused to write anything on the paper. "Why?" "Even if I were inclined to do it, I just don't know any contemporary musicians. So, "No!"."

The librarian put out a notebook for the students to write book titles into, that they think the library should buy. I was the first one to write into it. I basically wrote about what should be replaced, and then I added the Hungarian editions of Gravity's Rainbow and Infinite Jest to the list for good measure, because I felt cheeky. I was basically laughing by the time I put down the pen. The problem is, that most of the stuff the library doesn't have, I already bought for myself through second-hand sellers for pennies.

There is some blonde bitch at the Kelenföld Train, Bus and Metro station, begging for money to buy a train ticket, usually once a week. She asked me again, and I just creamed Neyy at her as I walked by. Street musicians I respect. They can all play an instrument, a skill acquired through rigorous practice and effort. Plain beggars are the scum of the earth. Same goes for people who only sing while begging. There is also a really irritating gypsy who sings about Jesus and God at the bus station at Kelenföld. He's also the scum of the earth.

Maybe it's just that my coat is too warm for the new, spring weather, but on the way home, everything felt oppressive, cluttered and too real. There were an unusually large number of people walking around the streets.

I still have some studying to do for tomorrow. Mainly history (regarding the first industrial revolution's consequences and events.) and literature. (I'm just going to read a 3 paged summary of Crime and Punishment's plot to be sure I know everything for tomorrow's test.)

I'm never going to write this much again because it's pointless.

[1]I don't know if other countries have these really cheap, almost throw away editions for a few bucks, but here, most really cheap books that are to be read in a school environment are published under a "Student library" label. So for example, this one is published under the label"Talentum Student Library", but are a couple of these labels, all publishing really low quality editions for 2-3 Euros. Reclam editions at least feel nice to hold. (Though those are a bit more expensive.)
No. 18809
50 kB, 604 × 378
>what features of a Russia car would you have to deal with US inspectors saying it is legal to drive?
It doesn't have a turret
It's not on caterpillar track
Amount of cyka blyats to drive them is environmentally safe
No. 18812
>I have to make a presentation on a Hungarian pop band for Friday and I want to fucking strangle the music teacher for roping me into this fucking bullshit.

What kind of music, what are the videos like, what is the overall sound ? You can pull a Mark Fisher if it's a band that has a retro sound, you know like it's from the 80s or something, sounds like it is recorded on tape cassette etc. If that's the case you write how they just recycle sounds because they don't have any vision and are longing for a long gone past. I can upload the pdf with the chapter that will give you all the arguments.

I took a stroll to the bank today choosing an extra sunny route away from the bigger streets. Lifted my mood and I helped on old lady in the supermarket that asked herself where 'they' put the pudding.
Your agressivness can stem from anything including hormones :^) I'm sorry
No. 18813
No videos, it's a band from the 60s. It's just supposed to be a boring retelling of the history if the group and then a listening to a few songs.
To tell the truth, I'm itching to just make a ppt slide with the name of the band on it, only for the following ones to be about the life and music of Dimitri Shostakovich, as a big middle finger and revenge for something that isn't even righteous. Though she is the kind of woman that's badmouth you to no end to her colleagues and her other students.
No. 18814
>retelling of the history of the band

What about social or political context? will that part of it? Sounds like it's a students revolt story to me. But tbh I don't know how these years played out in Hungary or if after '56 everything was kill.
No. 18815
After '56, there was a few years worth of "repression" where they'd drive up to your house in a black car and take you in the middle of the night KGB style, and after that came Goulash communism where they tried to make the poor sods forget about the Rákosi era, '56, and the repressing of dissent.

You are overestimating how much I need to talk about this. It's a 20 minute HS presentation in an irrelevant subject.
I'll probably throw something together 1-2 days in advance, and it'll fly.
Nothing really matters, honestly. And it's not like I have any time, because I miscalculated and I thought I still have a weekend.

In a case where it matters what I do (or if I really like the subject matter), I'd do an "in-depth research" (implying any "research" I've ever done was in-depth) with citations, but I really doesn't give a fuck, because I won't be getting marked from this subject anyway, and I don't particularly care about pop music, let alone Hungarian pop music. I'm only doing it because she attacked me like a bandit, dragged me with herself to her office and told me to pick one, and I was too startled to say no.
No. 18817
God, I'm autistic.
No. 18821
>You are overestimating how much I need to talk about this. It's a 20 minute HS presentation in an irrelevant subject.

You are right, I'm still triggered by people in uni doing typical HS tier presentations with some internet sources I incorporated that maxim of not using them very well and oftentimes, the internet is shittier than a short chapter in book that provides all the info in a better way 9/10 cases. I have to listen to it in the end and ask myself when it will be over. Same old story. But in the end if they don't care, what should I say? Doing things half assed became more normal to me since I have to to do more classes in order to finally get my bachelor before I hit fucking 30.
No. 18824
I had a few laughs re gerontocracy and your hatred for beggars, sounds like Dostoyevsky is rubbing off for sure

>I don't know if other countries have these really cheap, almost throw away editions for a few bucks
Reclam paperbacks are the cheapest option here afaik, often people even give them away for free if it's something common

>I have to make a presentation on a Hungarian pop band for Friday and I want to fucking strangle the music teacher for roping me into this fucking bullshit.
Heh, I remember having to do something similar, the music class was basically kindergarten tier and wouldn't be graded. But I could choose the artist myself, so I played this track by Venetian Snares as intro: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjQJeMF7HM8
After half an minutes I was told to sit down again and wasn't bothered again
No. 18828
First day of work after quite a long time now. Since the dispute I had with my boss the company send me to another workplace. It's much more relaxed but also more boring. I spent the day pushing around metal carts, I think my muscles will burn like shit tomorrow. For the most time I was completely alone with my thoughts, without any real possibility of distraction besides talking to the hash-smoking french african co-worker I know from the old workplace during the breaks. For the rest of the time I was completely miserable and only thinking lf the loss I've experienced. I guess there are ups and downs on the road of recovery, today definitely was a down. One of the reasons is that during work I've always texted her in the free minutes, now I just keot checking my empty phone. Also I was occasionally just becoming apathic and zoning out, it was terrible. Never have 8 hours felt so long but then again I was out of practice and the first day at a new workplace is always hard.
Time to let this piece of shit of a day rest and fall asleep, because I'm really quite tired.
No. 18830
I will point out the positive things of this day to not let this diary entry be negative only caused by the heartache-lenses I'm looking at everything. One thing was that people wetre really friendly today. There was the older lady at the counter of my workplace (it's a very big complex with lots of different departments) who showed me the way to my workplace. She was one of the first people I came across in the building so I asked her where to go. At first she was a bit confused but then suddenly she was really joyful and exclaimed things like "Oh but you are really, really friendly!" and persisted on leading me all the way down to my workplace. Later on when I ran across her again she was all happy again and asked me if I remembered her from the morning. I sometimes really ask myself how I'm able to make such a good impression on someone when I'm really completely miserable and depressed all day. What I've somewhat starting to learn is reflecting people's emotions for no other sake than just doing it. It has much to do with lines from a Wilco song called "How to fight loneliness". It goes like "how to fight loneliness?
Smile all the time, laugh at every joke...". But am I really lonely? In comparison to last month I am but actually I have a couple of friends and additionally I have EC. Maybe proves nothing but that you can be a really social person but still feel lonely. Also the new workplace has a dedicated break room for its employees, where you get all the free coffee and food so I had a really nice thai curry today. Working there more often I could cut down my expanses on food heavily.
Also it gives me peace to repeat the words "It's all over now" in my head. It also fights the process of relapse, I'm a person prone to addictions, as it makes me remember that I suffered a lot and was stressed out even during the best times with her. Also writing everything down here at the end of the day helps a lot too. Good night fellow Ernsts.
No. 18837
It is still exceedingly cold and dark but I wonder how people in all year round weather deal with it, like California, Texas, or Florida. Or Kuwait or Egypt for that matter. Not having seasons seems like a strange thing.
No. 18839
>Not having seasons
It just only seems to you so.
No. 18840
Pretty sure equatorial weather is nothing at all like say difference between Russian summer and Russian winter. California in particular doesn't really have different weather I don't think. Texas and Florida just have hurricanes and tornadoes at least but otherwise it's like one season all year.

Let me say it this way were water exists in different states of matter.

Also found something that amused me but off topic
No. 18841
17 kB, 596 × 744
Brother's helping to open an internet cafe for someone, and asked me to come over to figure out the interior design.

Sitting in a diner after the meeting, I couldn't help but look at all the people around us and feel a certain wistfulness at being surrounded by so many people, all with their own lives and stories, none of whom I will ever know, whose lives I will never be involved in. It feels like we're all missing out on the whole world, confined to our own little lives and stories.

Back when I was at the bank getting a credit card, I saw a man with a very colorful facial structure. He was tall and swarthy with a shaved head, with a strong, square jaw, defined brows, a round skull, and every muscle on his face was clearly defined, almost bulging out. He had a real sense of character to him, a kind of worldly stoicism, you could imagine him as the kind of man who spent his whole life laboring the fields in some far away village. The sort of character they make romanticized folkish paintings about. I wanted to capture his likeness, paint him, or at least take a photograph. But I didn't. It feels as if I missed out on an entire person.

It's surreal that I see hundreds of people on the streets every day, but have known barely a dozen in my life. Makes me wish I lived in a small village, oblivious of the outside, in my own little world that makes complete sense.
No. 18843
>It's surreal that I see hundreds of people on the streets every day, but have known barely a dozen in my life

A classic trope of modernity, the city dwellers life with all its implications. I'm not sure if a hermetic community would be the best for somebody like you, it more conformistic than the city with its neurotypicals that don't wonder too much about weird behavior.
No. 18846
875 kB, 800 × 600
I like this picture! You have good sence of style. It for some reason reminded me this brutalism meet art-deco statures
Spend more time and patiens on your drawings and you will have awesome results!
No. 18847
>I wonder how people in all year round weather deal with it
I don't know if you can draw any broad conclusions fom my experience, but every winter it feels like I'm getting away with something, but also missing out on something at the same time. Like surviving the snow is a test the rest of the country has to take, and Florida just forges a doctor's note and skips it. Sure, it's nice-and definitely easier- but by not going through the harsh weather I'm left with this sense that I've somehow cheated.
No. 18848
Today was pretty good. Nothing really interesting happened.

Wrote a history test. I ran out of time and couldn't properly end my essay. I wrote four pages. There was no literature test.

On the way home I tried reading on the bus, but two old ladies were having a loud discussion how 30 years ago even shit tasted better somehow, so I failed miserably. I also met with one of my ex-classmates. He's a sad looking kinda guy. I know he visits chans. We shook hands, he mentioned how he now studies at a Catholic school now, to which I replied with a cheeky "Amen".
Strangely enough, he said that he wanted to talk to me about something, but postponed it to another time, because he had to get off.
I wonder what he wants to talk about. Sure, we talked some before he transferred to another school this year, but I never thought anybody would take some time out of their life to remember me at all. Or at least, not positively.

I boarded my second bus, and I tried reading again, but there was a guy there who listened to music on his headphones, and it was so loud, that you could hear it metres away.
It was a titanic dilemma. Think about it. I berate pensioners every single day to myself, how they can't mind their own business and how they want to control others and such. Now, if I were to tap the guys shoulder and say, "Please turn down that music!", I'd become the very thing I hate.
So, in the end, I decided to control myself and say nothing. Thought that might have been too much of a beta move, some might say.
Anyway, I still managed to read through 15 pages of the Shestov book. It's good.

Currently trying to work on my shitty presentation. The Hungarian wikipedia page coupled with the music selection of the English one seems more than enough to produce something presentable. Thought there is actual literature on the topic, I don't really want to buy the book, or read it for that matter et al.
I'm gonna finish reading that Shestov book by the end of the week, and then I'm going to read more Dostoevsky.

I'm going to stop writing now before I write up another shameful wall of text again.
No. 18849
>Internet Cafe

Is your brother stupid or is he just looking for a cash driven bussiness to launder money?
No. 18850
I wouldn't be so definite about Internet Cafes
No. 18854
Look at his country brick, perhaps it's still different over there.

> I don't really want to buy the book, or read it for that matter
>buying it

God forbid! Waste of money. If it's ready in the library a quick glance might be better than wikipedia but then again it's HS.
No. 18855
I think it's too new for the library to have it, but I'll check tomorrow if I can. Though the literature we have on music is also trash. Mostly stuff from the 50s, 60s. I inspected the shelves closely when I was searching for a monograph on either Tchaikovsky or Shostakovich with no luck.
No. 18862
196 kB, 1000 × 487
Internet cafes are a flourishing business here, and in asia in general. We use a lot of chinese software to manage our cafes, and china has like giant 500 PC internet cafes.
I don't know why, maybe it's asiatic heda, but people just like going to internet cafes to game, maybe they don't like getting yelled at by their gf's or like the LAN experience.

But my brother is stupid, yes. But he's doing well for himself, unlike me. Pragmatic

I dunno, I'm only eccentric on internally, externally I try to attract as little attention to myself as possible (well, when sober anyway :-DDDD). Besides, I believe that living in a community inevitably restrains and disciplines a person, while the consequence free and nihilistic life in a human hive encourages deviation. After all, when none of the people you meet every day will have any part in your life, you might as well be alone. And if you're totally alone, you might as well get buck naked and run around screaming, because why not. Man, like any creature, is shaped by his environment. But when there is no environment at all it results in random mutations of the psyche. My most colorful psychotic delusions manifested when I was totally isolated, with no outside input, free to imagine for myself a reality in place of one I was cut off from.

I heard once that the christian God is a metaphor for the community. By embodying the "spirit" of your community, one transcends death, living on as long as the community does. Being a part of the historical narrative of your people. A society with no community is, then, a godless one, where man ceases to exist as a "spirit" upon death, leaving nothing behind. God is dead indeed.
Unless you are the kind of person who has an Ego and a Will to live as a God himself, in a story entirely about yourself. I think I am turning out to not be such a man.

Thanks. My teacher was really into monumental art, being a soviet equivalent of "graphics designer" in ussr, and taught in russian academic art. His style rubbed off on me a lot. Still waiting for disposable income to get that pen.
No. 18864
>But when there is no environment at all it results in random mutations of the psyche. My most colorful psychotic delusions manifested when I was totally isolated, with no outside input

There can never be no environment. Shut in your apartment is just a massive withdrawal from stimulus.
Now, I just have to think of Ulrike Meinhof, the German Red Army Fraction terrorist, and her writings about the white and silent prison cell

First a general sum up
>An agonizing time in prison begins for Ulrike Meinhof. She suddenly breaks off contact with her children. The relationship with the other group members deteriorates. She is still isolated in solitary confinement. In 1975 she said before the Stammheim court: "There are exactly two possibilities in isolation: Either you silence a prisoner, which means he dies of it, or you make him talk". In the night from 7 to 8 May 1976, she puts an end to her life in her cell in Stammheim.

And from a letter about the solitary confinement (isolated cell)
>the feeling that one's head explodes (the feeling that the skullcap >should actually rip apart, flake off) - the feeling that one's head explodes.
>the feeling that your spinal cord is being pushed into your brain,
>the feeling, the brain shrank together gradually, like baked fruit e.g.
>the feeling that one is standing uninterruptedly, imperceptibly, under >current, one is remote-controlled -
>the feeling that your associations would be hacked away -
>the feeling of plucking your soul out of your body as if you can't hold the water -
>the feeling that the cell is moving. One wakes up, opens one's eyes: the cell moves; in the afternoon, when the sun shines in, it suddenly stops. >You can't put off the feeling of driving. You can't tell whether you're trembling with fever or cold -
you can't figure out why you tremble -
you freeze.
>To speak at normal volume, exertion, like for speaking loudly, almost roaring -
>the feeling of silence -
>you can no longer identify the meaning of words, you can only guess -
the use of hiss sounds - s, ß, tz, z, sch - is absolutely unbearable -
>Guard, visit, yard seems to be made of celluloid -
>Headache -
>sentence structure, grammar, syntax - no longer controllable. When writing: two lines - at the end of the second line it is not possible to keep the beginning of the first -
>The feeling of burning out inwardly -
>the feeling that if you said what was going on, if you let it out, it would be like boiling water hissing into each other's faces, such as boiling tank water scalding the water for life, disfiguring it -
>Raging aggression for which there's no valve. That's the worst. Clear awareness that one has no chance of survival; total failure to convey that; visits leave nothing behind. Half an hour later one can only reconstruct mechanically whether the visit was today or last week.
>Bathing once a week on the other hand means: thawing a moment, recovering - lasts for a few hours too -
>The feeling that time and space are interwoven -
>the feeling of being in a distorting mirror room -
stagger -
>Afterwards, terrible euphoria to hear something about the acoustic day-night difference.
>The feeling that now time is running out, the brain is expanding again, the spinal cord is sagging again - for weeks.
>The feeling that one's skin has been removed.

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator
No. 18865
>I heard once that the christian God is a metaphor for the community. By embodying the "spirit" of your community, one transcends death, living on as long as the community does. Being a part of the historical narrative of your people. A society with no community is, then, a godless one, where man ceases to exist as a "spirit" upon death, leaving nothing behind. God is dead indeed.
>Unless you are the kind of person who has an Ego and a Will to live as a God himself, in a story entirely about yourself. I think I am turning out to not be such a man.

There are different forms of community, you don't need a christian or religious background to evoke a spirit, transcendence is not dependent on religiosity art can transcend, and many other "concepts" but it means to give them religious attributes perhaps. Tho I'm not sure if you you don't mix up things here anyway. I mean that god is a methapor for the community. The community is under the will of God might be true. At least I know that is how a king back then was legitimated: he represented god and his will on earth and he represented the christian communitas but that does not mean that the communitas is god or god a metaphor for the communitas.
No. 18866
Being acutely aware of your own biology seems like the most horrific torture imaginable. The feeling of... worldliness manifest as experience. The constant painful feeling of being meat. The conscious awareness of your own worldliness is existentially dreadful in itself, but to experience it physically must be on another level entirely. Makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. It's like the ultimate spiritual death, where one's experience as a mind is overwhelmed with one's experience as a body.

Also, the breaking down of the concept of time is something I am somewhat familiar with. Humans don't have internal clocks, we experience time as a series of events. If there are no events, there is effectively no time. I've also learned that having something to look forward to or plant to in the future, having some kind of imagined future event at all, is important for mental health. Because when you don't know, care for or can't imagine an event in your future, that leaves only one inevitable event to expect: death. And since there is no time between now and the next event, it might as well be tomorrow. I remember being obsessed with conceptualizing my own death, it was all I could think about.

I conflate christian theology a lot with neoplatonism / pythagoreanism. God being the Divine Totality of ideal forms. The immutable axiom of reality. Or at least of our communal/social reality. The grand narrative, if you will. So one way to transcend mortality and worldliness is to become part of that narrative. Failing to do so means oblivion. Post modernity rejects the idea of a grand narrative, and I find that kind of nihilistic.

I guess the Nietzsche approach would be become as a God oneself, telling a story to the world, rather than being a character in a story.
No. 18867 Kontra
Also, I guess that's why cancer is so psychologically disturbing as a concept. The mindless algorithm of bodily functions destroying itself, and with it, the helpless mind trapped within it.
No. 18869
>Humans don't have internal clocks, we experience time as a series of event
This isn't true though. I'm not just talking about circadian rhythm but in general all manner of human bodily functions are on a set timescale. Like I personally have a sleep phase disorder. I am often acutely aware of the time internally, to the point where I have routinely guessed the actual clock time to within minutes, it's just that my internal clock is slightly askew from the earth's planetary rotation. This means my own internal clock constantly overrides what should be my natural clock which is what most of the rest of the world runs on. It is a strange thing to "feel" that it should be 3pm but it is dark out, because I am more in tune with what my inner clock is telling me than external environment. I would imagine if I were synced to a sleep cycle the way most people are I could daily figure out the exact time to within the minute even if I was in an underground bunker.
No. 18870
That's weird, for me time is a completely ethereal concept.
I have no idea what time it is right now without explicitly looking at the clock, what day it is, what day of the week, sometimes I get months confused. Sometimes I wake up unsure if it's morning or evening.

I also fall into this fallacious thinking that the next day can be delayed as long as you are awake. Like, the day transitions only when you sleep and wake up.