/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 20029 Systemkontra
965 kB, 4019 × 3014
Stay healthy.

>>20019
Only journalism or journalism schools? Strange, I heard humanities also have good chances, and I even know people who studied and study humanities who had internships at newspapers. It's a local one? I think it has to be has you mentioned local politics.

>In the end my future boss on time then said to me was that I'd be expected to bring in my own ideas and to get to know the local politics a bit better before I start the internship and that at the end I should publish an article. I should slowly start reading the two guides about journalistic writing I got laying around here btw.

Sounds challenging, did your future boss said you should read some or was it your own idea?
>>
No. 20063
>>20029
>Only journalism or journalism schools?
Both of those. He said that they usually just give out internships to people who are already getting into journalism in some way, humanity students might be included I guess.
Maybe he just said it to make sure that I prepare well and don't take it to easy. Yes, it's a local one but the city I'm living in is a big one and the newspaper is the most read one in here. So that maybe explains why they seem to be rather strict on whom they give internships. I have to mention at this point that my name was already listed as an author in this very newspaper because of a local reading I participated in, maybe that helped too.

>Sounds challenging, did your future boss said you should read some or was it your own idea?
My plans to get into journalism date back to autumn of last year, during this time I was looking around for opportunities and figured it would be goot to get some professional knowledge about journalism before I go to any newspaper. As I started to apply for apprenticeships and none of the newspapers and magazines I mailed answered, my plans began to fade away and I stopped reading the handbook to focus on more concrete things. As most of the apprenticeship applications are sent by now I can go back to studying the handbooks and the local affairs (not only politics).

Also last night I've read a bit about literary magazines and there is one that has semi-known authors publishing in it but is open for any submissions with a deadline that I could take on. They only want really short prose so it's not exactly my cup of tea but I remembered that I actually have a short story lying around somewhere in my papers that I didn't continue working on yet. Seems like a chance, I wanted to finish it anyways.

Lately I feel like I should keep track somehow of what I'm doing. Maybe getting a planner/organizer booklet or what it's called would be a good idea? Maybe it could help me structurize my life.
>>
No. 20068
>>20063

>Yes, it's a local one but the city I'm living in is a big one and the newspaper is the most read one in here. So that maybe explains why they seem to be rather strict on whom they give internships.

Perhaps. I had group works with a guy who has done quite a few internships and starting locally is common. He even went to one of the big cities of Germany because of an internship at a magazine that most people will know.

>apply for apprenticeships

Afaik many humanities students do their master and then get a Volontariat. Didn't even know that apprenticeships for newspapers concerning writing exist.

>open for any submissions

Sent it in, there is nothing to loose. It can only be frustrating when you never hear from them.

>keep track somehow of what I'm doing.

That sounds like reflection rather than planning? Or did I misunderstood that?
>>
No. 20071
>>20029
Idk why it took me so long to realize this but fuck it I'm going to find my way back to school for foreign policy analysis. I don't actually have an interest in most of my other ideas and never did.
>>
No. 20072
I felt wonderful today. My head was clear, and I managed to read a third of The Sailor who fell from Grace with the Sea.
It's a great novel so far. Felt revitalising.
Took some notes, marked a few pages along the way.

Made some croquettes for lunch.

Not much else happened. Tomorrow I'll go shopping.
>>
No. 20077
Today I again rewatched my favorite new year movie of all times. For some reason it give me very sad adn same time very happy feels and memories. I so wish back this magical new years selebrations, this mirror into magical world of everyday magic. This movie is basicly Harry Potter, but not disgusting, not dumb and not for edgy teenagers. Just cute and same time regular new year tale with magicans, miracles mixed with everyday life. And with songs and great actors.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4OoRw_pqis
>>
No. 20092
>>20048
To make mixed dice rolls more intuitive you can roll in two phases: First roll the 1d10, then based on the result you decide whether to roll 2d4, or abort with a slight loss, or roll only a single d4 with increased risk/win.

Analogous to planning a raid, but seeing a problem in the initial phase (eg. the slower live-stock travelling beind the horses fell victim to an outbreak) you can abort the raid (slight loss), commit to the initial plan and pay a potential big loss with reduced chance for win (2d4) or leave the stock and go horse-only and make it a hit-n-run raid that might be strategically worthy but comes with a higher risk of losing men/horses (1d4).
>>
No. 20095
111 kB, 650 × 842
>>20092
Phased rolling. I like that. I like it a lot, and the way you put it makes it mesh thematically with other parts of my current design. Definitely going to make at least a quick working model to give it a test for ease of play. Thanks Ernst. I presume you're the DSA Ernst from my old threda. Maybe I will still run some online game one day. Probably not my homebrew since it's very much a WIP, but maybe GURPS or MSPE (a seriously great game btw and its uncoupled skills is part of the inspiration for my game). I really should look at something with polyhedrals though. Mine practically just collect dust compared to the mighty d6.
>>
No. 20102
226 kB, 748 × 443
490 kB, 680 × 798
I had a mentral breakdown yesterday, this is the second time this week, so I did a bunch of dumb shit. I'm going to visit a psychotherapist throughout the year, but my greatest fear is that I will never forget the girl just as I couldn't forget what happened 4 years ago even despite of the fact that my memory has seriously degraded last years and I started to forget how to speak Russian. I don't want to remember the girl I lost on my deathbed, and all the other bad things that happened and which I couldn't forget. What could be more terrifying than the pain of loss and the taste of your failures, "what if"-like questions in the last moments of your life?

And I accidentally found that this Lovecraft's phrase is real. This picture will look nice side by side with the Marx's one.
>>
No. 20108
This workplace is a mess.
The reception is in full chaos mode 24/7. Shit getting miscommunicated, getting lost, too much workload with too little results, etc.

There's barely any streamlining of the work process, everyone does everything and runs around like a chicken without a head.

Or maybe it's just me.
>>
No. 20110
>>20108
Why not draw up ideas on how to fix it? It'll go especially well if you talk to the reception staff beforehand so it looks like you represent their interests.

You'll make manager by the end of the month.
>>
No. 20111
>>20102
Of course it's real. That's what makes it funny.
Especially the Marx one. People have this weird, saintly perception of Marx, and this one drags him through the mud, turning him human again.
>>
No. 20112
Dang, the middle manager lady is married to some balding pipsqueak.
I know she's not conventionally attractive, but dang. A woman like her deserves better. (me).
>>20110
I thought of that, but I'm waiting til I get more clout around here to make a move.
>>
No. 20113
>>20110
Basically describing every office everywhere.
Especially small businesses.

Best to show up on time and exchange pleasantries.
At least until payday, when unfortunately he will go full slav mode, drinking at the office hanging around parks, mixing cigarettes with copious amounts of alcohol and any other easily reachable intoxicant.
Be high and mighty, quit his job and inevitably work for his family again, full circle.
>>
No. 20114
>>20108
>There's barely any streamlining of the work process, everyone does everything and runs around like a chicken without a head.
That's basically just a workplace in general. I'm no gambling man and I'd still wager a majority are like that based on my own experience. I mean, it took 2 years and a health inspector to get them to fix a hole in the floor lino in my current work kitchen, and even then it was done in a half-arsed way and the floor is still visibly buckling under the weight of the central bench and will one day collapse. That's also just scratching the surface.

Tbh, you're better off learning how to roll with it than trying to actually fix it. It's the more valuable skill and steps on fewer toes in the long run.
t. has learned to deal with shitshow management so long as the pay comes in on time
>>
No. 20116
>>20113
My first paycheck is already accounted for, namely the bills, since mom's out of money.

And alcohol makes me retch when I smell it, I think I overdid it last Autumn. Puking in the garbage dump behind the office and all.

I need something better to intoxicate myself with. Such as painting. Hopefully, there will be enough left to buy an easel
>>
No. 20121
Another busy and fulfilling day at the workplace.
Helped out some teacher dude with really low res pictures for his huge nauryz celebration banner. The pics he brought along were really low res, so I spent the day re-drawing it in vectors, then made an appeal to one of the bosses to keep production going after work hours so he could make it for tomorrow. Felt good man.

There's this old, old man who can barely hear that keeps coming to my table to print out his weird photographs. It's some real outsider art shit, I need to bring some home with me and post them on EC :-DDDD. He's either demented or a really quirky person.

I've been trying to make some extra money together with a dude from the workshop, basically offering additional services to certain clients, "borrowing" printing and cutting equipment from the company. Well, I suspect he's been screwing me out of money, which is totally "ne po ponatyam". I talked about it with the workshop headman, and he promised to sort it out, since I helped him out previously. Nobody likes a rat.It's especially dumb that he's trying to screw me because I'm his only source of clientele, being in the reception instead of the workshop.

>>20114
Tbh I think it would benefit everyone if there was actual order to the workplace.
I just need to present my ideas at the right moment. I'm already cozying up to the big boss, something should happen soon.
>>
No. 20122
>>20116
My post seems kinda bitter, but I am just in that mood.
I'm so bored I could tear my eyes out, however I am just going to numb myself with alcohol.
I also just bought some tramadol, I might hide it and not use it.
>>
No. 20123
>>20122
No, I do fully admit that it was really stupid of me to go on a two month alcoholic binge for no reason.

But I tend to only learn from failure, when I am told that doing something is wrong, or that such and such way is the correct way to do it, I intentionally do stuff wrong to see WHY it's wrong. Which leaves an impression on people that I am stupid (which might be true).

Turns out, being perpetually drunk makes the right kind of people dislike you, and the wrong kind of people like you. The latter, I think, is worse than the former.
>>
No. 20126
6,1 MB, 4:59
I'm in a great mood.

I went shopping today. There were very few people there. Guess I was just lucky. Contemplated buying a beer for a bit. I always do so, but never act upon it. I simply hate beer, but the shelves with the bottles are alluring. All those German names, smiling monks and Bavarian peasants.
It must be muh Germuhnic 'eritage.
Decided to be a bit extravagant and so I bought a bottle of Almdudler. It's always an event to have one of those.

Today I listened to some of Schnittke's symphonies. It was intriguing, but gave me scarcely any aesthetic pleasure. It made me feel nothing. Shostakovich had an influence on him, and I could feel it under the convoluted orchestral mess, but it was simply beyond my reach to derive any meaning or pleasure from his works.

I listened to this excerpt from Lady MacBeth of Mtsensk maybe 40 or so times today. It makes me want to laugh every time (Especially from the third minute onward). I never thought music could be funny.

Otherwise it was a pretty uneventful day.
Gonna turn off the PC now and focus on reading. I'm going to make some sencha tea to help concentrate. (I don't want to was all of the Yunnanese black tea I have, and I don't have any cheap loose Earl Grey leaves on me.)
>>
No. 20134
97 kB, 640 × 360
Got a haircut at the last barber that was open yesterday evening, not too happy with the results despite I even showed him a picture. Before my hair had gotten rather messy as I hadn't had it cut in several months but now it's cut so short I look like a goon.

After basically procrastinating all week, today I put together a summary of my thesis so tomorrow I can design the poster for my presentation. It was really a matter of maybe an hour or so of work, but I managed to stretch it over the whole day (or rather the whole week) as I had to cringe all the time when trying to read it.

Somehow I'm feeling quite noided, can't concentrate on anything and have an even harder time forming coherent sentences than usual. Maybe I'm really just nervous after all. Usually I'd drink but I've already been drinking the whole week (not excessively but almost daily) so I can't stand booze right now. I ended up taking some Tilidine as I had some pretty cozy experiences with it recently but right now I feel like I'll just have a sleepless night full of scattered thoughts. Anyhow, I'll try turning off the computer and reading.
>>
No. 20141
>>20095
Although I've played DSA a few times in my teens, I'm probably not the Ernst you think of.
Never played MSPE or GURPS. The last P&P I played was Call of Cthulhu, which I really enjoyed. It was refreshing to know that you probably won't keep your character for longer than one game, which was two evenings. Me and the others allowed ourselfes to be much more creative than usual. The mechanics were also really neat, it was easy to pick up even for newcomers and yet did not feel too simple.

Also, when talking about dice, have you looked at the FATE system? It's sometimes praised as the holy grail for storytelling, which I wouldn't entirely subscribe to, but the dice mechanics are quite elegant and you can learn from it by inspiration. It won't fit what you are doing, but it might still give you new ideas.
>>
No. 20144
27 kB, 275 × 361
>>20141
Man I'd love to get a CoC game going here. R WoD. Or Paranoia. Or anything really.
>>
No. 20145
I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok to not work on sundays, but I have this anxious feeling as if I'm procrastinating from something.

I know that doing some work today will make my life easier during work days, but I also want to do nothing and just lay around.
>>
No. 20146
231 kB, 595 × 770
>>20144
>CoC
Achtung Cthulhu! is CoC except fun. Delta Green has more (any at all) personality if you replace all the fluff with that from The Laundry.

Fite me.
>>
No. 20147
>>20145
You want to work? Work. If you really want to do it, then you'll find enjoyment or at least satisfaction. If you really don't want to work sundays, and aren't obliged to by being told to by the boss/getting paid, then don't since it'll only bring misery.
t. I'll do it tomorrow pro
>>
No. 20151
I spent most of the day cleaning. Vacuumed half the house (I told my sister to vacuum the other half.) and washed the dishes. Made French fries for lunch.
I also "found" a plastic table lying unused in one of the more obscure corners of the garden. I cleaned it up and placed it in the shade of a pine tree. If the weather continues to be this nice, I'd like to sit out and read under the tree.

Only read two chapters today. I haven't even started reading The Death of Ivan Ilich yet, even though it's due for Tuesday.
But it's so short, I should be able to read it tomorrow.
I don't think we were thorough while reading C&P with the class. We spent maybe two weeks on it. Ridiculously little. (Maybe I just read too much about Dostoevsky and that's why it felt shallow.)
>>
No. 20152
And I suspect I either broke or cracked one of the bones in my left hand. It might be just a cramp though. It seems to be hurting for no reason at all. Strange, because when I bump into something, it usually hurts right after and only for a short time, but I don't remember bumping into anything, or even hitting my desk in a fit of rage.
>>
No. 20153
>>20152
>broke or cracked
Wouldn't that cause swelling?
>>
No. 20154
>>20153
I don't know. It's probably just the fact that I'm overreacting it.
As I said, I have no fucking clue what I did today to make my hands hurt. The lack of a cause makes it really irksome.
>>
No. 20156
>>20152
Where in your hand?
Fingers, palm, or wrist?
>>
No. 20157
>>20156
Above where the palm and the wrist connects, in that bunch of muscle that's around the thumb bone.
>>
No. 20158
33 kB, 600 × 630
>>20157
Hmm. Probably some sprain or something.
Once my little finger fractured during PE (after it I remembered the pain very well) doc ordered to tie it to a splint. It wasn't done properly, the bandage loosened and my finger moved. So I took the splint off and that was that, my finger healed on it's own.
If you can move it, and it hurts only a little it'll probably be fine. You'll see it in the morn how is it and can decide if you want to check it out with a doc. Consider it tho that sometimes if you rest it and then move it again might hurt more at first.
>>
No. 20159
15 kB, 640 × 560
>>20145
I know that feel when you can't switch off. The best thing I've found is to set yourself personal tasks at home. This can be volunteering or getting high off paint fumes but even spending an hour or two reading a book is enough. Just have something in your schedule. Yes, my advice is pretty lame but it's better than sitting around feeling guilty.

Or get a woman in your life and watch free-time magically disappear.
>>
No. 20161
>>20159
Cleaning can actually be therapeutic.

I just did some exercise at home and had a shower.
Feel much better.
>>
No. 20162
I'm officially in minimum effort mode.

I'm not going out of my way for anything any more. The retard workshop constructor promised it'd be no problem assembling an unorthodox order for a client, so I wasted $300 of somebody's money on materials that he then ruined. I feel guilty about that.
There's clients coming in all casual like and wanting me to make them an entire brand design in like a day.
There are coworkers asking me for "favors" that they think are trifle, but there's 4 of them asking for multiple images each. Plus relatives doing the same
I hit my depression cycle and waking up is a drag. My clothes weren't dry in the morning yet so I left the house wet. My tablet pen still hasn't arrived. My first paycheck is going to pay for parents' bills. Dad's drunk every day, and sometimes misses the toilet bowl when he shits liquid. The next 5 years of my life will be spent on paying that degenerate's bills and mortgage because none of us can move out and get away from him.

I feel like a real adult now.
>>
No. 20164
Ok, I feel a bit better now.
The GOOD kind of clients are willing to pay for good design.
Some small restaraunt owner just left me a sizeable tip just for consultation. His order is small regarding use of materials, and that's what I get bonuses for.
But they want good design, which our company doesn't even price, we mostly just print. Which made me think that this company either needs a daughter company that specializes in design, or I need to become a freelance designer and use this company as a middle man.

It's kind of a bummer that we waste time doing design for clients who make small orders, when we could be getting paid for design work itself. This copmany needs to do printing exclusively to streamline itself, tbh. They could fire most of the office employees that way :-DDDDD. If we only processed printing orders and not design work, literally one person would be enough to do all the office work.

I need to become a design freelancer.
>>
No. 20165
Everything has been said already, I won't gain anything from browsing imageboards so I leave, most smart people left years ago anyways.
>>
No. 20166
>>20164
Each design is experience and whatever effort you put into it will improve your skill.
>>
No. 20169
Almost all of my classes were cancelled today. Only one was properly held.

I'm almost done with the Mishima book. It's pretty feely, but I'm just not feeling the magic. I'm going to read Temple of the Golden Pavilion next, if I have the time. Maybe that's better. (Though this is by no means bad.)

My hand no longer hurts. But the reason that I have no cause for it hurting in the first place is irking me.
>>
No. 20178
12 kB, 500 × 450
How do American men cope with American women? At first I thought she was just nervous but I must have talked for the sum total of 5 minutes in this whole relationship. I need to escape before I end up that old man who spend his entire life smiling politely. That middle aged man who spends his weekend at homebase being henpecked by his wife.

Of course I know the wise monkey never let's go of one branch without having his hand firmly clasped on another but God help me. She's Catholic too so I know if I end up trapped in this I'll spend an eternity in American heaven. I couldn't nut tonight because I have work tomorrow
>>
No. 20179
75 kB, 251 × 223
Over the weekend I helped my dad clean up my grandparents' old farmhouse. I enjoyed splitting wood and burning it in the stove. It's oddly satisfying to watch the flames consume a heap of wood, and the process generates considerable heat.
>>
No. 20181
22 kB, 207 × 253
>>20178
>How do American men cope with American women? At first I thought she was just nervous but I must have talked for the sum total of 5 minutes in this whole relationship. I need to escape before I end up that old man who spend his entire life smiling politely.

Erm what do you mean? She just talked a lot? That's women dude. Although frankly it always annoyed me about myself how much I tended to talk, so I guess it's quite possible to out talk them. But otherwise I'm not quite sure what you mean, except that I've finally realized how awful our women often are. The more mainstream and especially less educated, the shittier time it's going to be. Educated women, women who had odd life experiences, the more artsy women (and sometimes the psych majors), the ones who were either homeschooled or private schooled, or also the ones who fucked up hard enough early enough that their parents sent them to boot camp I'm talking from experience and in that case two of them all tend to be anywhere from bearable to quite pleasant company.

Women NOT to deal with are public school retards, women who watch a lot of TVin fact this is a bigger warning sign than any amount of hair dye or tattoos or heavy drug use or whatever, white upper middle class suburban girls usually, ANYONE from a trailer park or a hoodrat, and Evangelicals etc. You might think a religious girl is a good idea, but holy hell it can possibly be not as well.

All in all I've largely given up on our women though. This is probably especially true as they get older, not because of their age, but because they've had that much more time to accumulate all the shit in their heads and adopted behaviors and attitudes of the people around them.

I guess the one nice thing though is that American women can sometimes be pretty forward and aggressive. The down side is, that often ties in with them being disloyal or slutty. But in general that joke about how certain tiers it must be a nightmare living in such a country, yes, yes it is impossible to be an EC tier introvert around here. I don't just mean dating I mean it's a pretty basic survival skill.
>>
No. 20182
Feeling like I'm not cut out for this.
I work too slowly and care too much.

Getting yelled at by multiple superiors, because every one of them asks me to do stuff, and I get yelled by the rest of them if I do stuff for one of them.
>>
No. 20183
>>20182
If you have to do shit for other people at work find one person you immediately report to and say you're helping them. If worse comes to worse, get them to argue with each other for your help.
>>
No. 20185
179 kB, 355 × 541
Reading ultrasuperhyper important articles about IT from Washington Post makes me really sick. Reading about IT from 'dem philistines makes me sick per se.
>Why in the hell are you reading Washington Post?
Because one respectable, one would think, Russian IT resource translates them. I could ignore their translations, however.

On the side note, this message would be rather an opening post on Krautchan.
>>
No. 20186
>>20185
You're not being very specific here on what part made you sick. Are you meaning just the general bydlo way of reporting? My fucking god at least you can't hear them talk. I've been watching documentaries and such more lately and holy fuck do I hate the American ones. It's often unbearable.
>>
No. 20187
>>20186
Oh well, it wasn't WP, but The Atlantic. As it made any difference.
>You're not being very specific here on what part made you sick.
I dunno. Maybe the article itself, which is "Facebook, Instagram, Instagram, Facebook, Facebook, Youtube, oh wow, did you know that not everyone likes social networks".
Their speak on irrational level feels very wrong.
I may link, though.
>>
No. 20190
>>20181
Hang on, there's another way I can put this: Americans in London are all from places like Boston and Baltimore. It's very...intense and you feel a bit rude getting into the conversation whereas in Britain our interactions are based on back-and-forth witticisms.

I've never seen anything quite like it and I've done my fair share of amphetamines.

>>20182
You're just a man in demand. Better than being a guy without anything to do all day with its job insecurity and exhausting tedium.

Considering you are still brand new this is all a good sign.
>>
No. 20194
102 kB, 564 × 790
I AM the Bachelor now.

Pretty bad grade, but fuck it, it's over now.
>>
No. 20199
>>20178
Why in the world did you even start this relationship? And what kind of relationship are you talking about? It does sound like you just had a ONS and now she is clinging to you.
>>
No. 20204
>>20190
I used to be all high and mighty imagining that everyone is just too ignorant to do things properly, which caused irreconcilable misunderstandings.

But like has kicked me up the ass enough times for me to think that I'm just slow and retarded. At best, an idiot savant, who is good at some things, but absolutely inept at everything else, things that normal people find natural.
>>
No. 20205
>>20183
I don't think that will work, all the higher ups are friends, their response will probably be "just do everything, what are you, slow? :-DDDD"
>>
No. 20206
>>20205
Yep, that's the worst. It's the same deal at my workplace. It's pretty frustrating because you don't really have any higher-ups you can address because they're all friends so your complaint is about as anonymous as yelling your name down a loudspeaker. My problem is that I'm a 75% kind of person. Competent enough that they can't fire me, but also incompetent enough that they don't like me. I have had that passed along to me through from a trustworthy inside source too. One mostly unaffiliated with the upper management clique but who goes to management meetings.
>>
No. 20209
I decided to spend the night at work because there's unfinished work, and tomorrow's the last day of work before nauriz, and everyone wants their orders done before the holidays.

I just made a list of everything I need to do, and there's 7 items on the list. If I am conservative in my assumptions, each task will take 1 hour, which means I'll be working all night.

Fuck me and fuck this fucking job.
>>
No. 20211
>>20182
>Getting yelled at by multiple superiors, because every one of them asks me to do stuff, and I get yelled by the rest of them if I do stuff for one of them.
Determine their inside hierarchy, bounce each other back, do the stuff you've been ordered first.

>>20204
Acedia is sin. If you are good in something (I have no doubts about that), there will be a person who appreciates it.

>>20205
>their response will probably be "just do everything, what are you, slow? :-DDDD"
Make them fight for you.
>>
No. 20227
Today is full Moon. I don't like that. It might just be superstition, but I don't sleep well and I feel bad when the Moon is in this phase.

I wasted an ungodly amount of time today. At least it felt like that.
I only have one chapter left from the Mishima book. I'll finish that tomorrow and then I'll rush to finish Ivan Ilich for next week. (Because for whatever reason dates keep swirling around and sometimes I'm prepared 1-2 weeks in advance and it's really weird because I KNOW YOU SAID TODAY YOU PRICK)

I'm going to convert my flashcards into digital to make the deck more manageable. It's doable if you have around 100 or so cards but nearing 180, it turns into a mess.
Fuck, I really feel unmotivated for whatever reason. I'm going to read a short Chinese adventure novel to get back my sense of mission.
I'm going to take a moment here and rant a bit about people using a local transcription system instead of pinyin, because it makes it impossible to look up anything in English, especially how they don't even write out the characters either, so I can't use those either to save me.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I'm going to neglect hanzis in favour of finishing the book and writing my thoughts and a synopsis of the last chapter.

I should have vacuumed in the remaining two rooms, but fuck it. Those rooms will be dusty at midnight when they get home.

Tomorrow I might go and buy some earl grey tea. Don't know yet. I'm also going to write a small little essay on Shostakovich. It has been weighing on me for quite some time now and I feel like I have to write it.
>>
No. 20231
139 kB, 500 × 375
>>20194
Congratulations. How will you be celebrating?

The grade doesn't matter at all in the long-run. Just knuckle down and get some experience.

>>20199
We've been dating for a few weeks now but the whole thing is fucked. She's a doctor and I find that incredibly attractive but there's nothing else I really like about her, there's no introspection. She's lonely because she's a doctor and all her friends have gotten married so I fit the bill with my own middle class job plus her dad is like me.

So we're just doing this. I'd rather meet someone else, she's probably in the same boat. I suppose I should break it off but then I could do worse; she has an interesting life, is stable, hates capeshit and can hold my hand at formal events. Is that kind of limbo enough? She's 33 and I get the feeling she's keen to rush into doing the whole marriage and babies thing so it's like being asked if I'd like the rest of my life to be 'okay'. That seems like how our parents generations did this thing by and large.
>>
No. 20232 Kontra
>>20231
Also I can't smoke around her but the dating scene fucking sucks in the city.
>>
No. 20235
>>20232
Sounds fucking sad. Especially the smoking part.
>>
No. 20239
>>20235
>>20232
Smoking is bad for you and it also makes you stink. Don’t smoke.
>>
No. 20240
>>20239
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odQQrNBISnc

>Das ist kein Suchtmittel, du Punk - Das ist ein Mode-Accessoire

it's not an addictive substance, punk - it's a lifestyle/fashion accessoire

yeah smoking is bad for your health but then smokers have a secret bond, a history of smoking can be quite revealing I suppose, the sociality around and created by smoking is interesting
>>
No. 20241
>>20239
Willst Du Konsumenten nerven, geh zum Drogendezernat
>>
No. 20242
98 kB, 462 × 634
>>20235
Yeah but like I said, I've got nothing else going on right now aside from the girls I accidentally like on bumble asking me to go to weddings. She must know I smoke but I'd rather not have that conversation with a doctor.

>>20239
You see, people make all these arguments but next to me there's a fag packet with a disgusting picture of a child smoking and I think "nah, fuck the government".
>>
No. 20245
>>20231
>Congratulations. How will you be celebrating?

Thanks. I haven't given it any thought but maybe I should invite my m8s to go drinking on the weekend. Already had some champagne with my family today, they're all much more happy about this than I am. Actually I should probably celebrate by stopping drinking so much.

I don't even really care about the grade itself (my average is still good anyway), I just feel humiliated by the way my supervisors treated me. Admittedly my presentation today was a sorry sight and the thesis had it's fault but still they treated me as if I'm a complete idiot. This whole thesis affair just really screwed with my confidence in my intellectual abilities. Anyway, maybe I'm feeling entitled so sorry for ranting.

>>20240
Heh, I picked up smoking right when this album came out, listened to it all the time back then.
>>
No. 20246
5,9 MB, 320 × 240, 2:02
>>20239
This is correct

>>20240
There's fewer and fewer of us every day. It has gotten to the point where I keep forgetting that "I smoke" nor apparently means smoking pot, not tobacco. It used to be social, sure...like ten or twenty years ago. Although, that itself is a pretty big issue if she hates smoking and you smoke.

>>20231
>>20190
Oh I see. Well, for starters I think rushing into marriage with somebody out of pragmatism is stupid and foolish unless you're like, the Prince of Burgundy and need to secure an alliance or something. How did you even get involved with a doctor? What's your station in life? But I think it's a pretty piss poor idea to stay together if neither is seriously into the other, since by marriage you're talking about not just finances but talking about who you're going to be tied to in another 20 years. As for Boston and Baltimore idk East coast Americans are pretty widely known for being more intense and needing more personal space. Best way to bug the shit out of them is to be a close talker. If they complain act confused and tell them it's how everyone talks. Also, try to do it very slowly and calmly. This works extremely well on NYC and all the east because they're a neurotic and impatient people and invading their personal space while taking your sweet ass time to say something is almost on the level of torching forests to troll the Germans. Yeah, they come across as intense.
>>
No. 20247
Instead of attending lectures this morning I decided to watch Top Gear of all things. Don't know why I enjoy the show as much as I do since I couldn't care less about cars. Too bad I don't feel like doing anything productive today since I've got some studies to catch up on.

Also, I've just found out that I'm required to join a group of fellow students or form one in order to come up with a joint report on any topic that the group finds interesting. This is like something out of an american High School comedy movie. Why are university students forced to do this shit?
>>
No. 20248
>>20247
Perhaps you've formed a parasocial relationship with the show's hosts.
>>
No. 20252
5,6 MB, 448 × 336, 1:04
>>20247
>Why are university students forced to do this shit?
Because they expect you to work in some shitty corporate environment as "part of the team" later on. webm related. It probably has some other function I'm not aware of like maybe some people like or need to work in groups, or maybe for identifying leadership potential. I always hated the fuck out of working in groups as I'm pretty sure every single person here does. Of course this is also due to the fact a lot of people are lazy dumbasses. Like, working in a team is fine if they're competent, or hell at least your friends. Working with a bunch of incompetent strangers? Not so fun.
>>
No. 20253
I ended up just falling asleep on the couch and not doing anything.
At least I got a good rest.
>>
No. 20259
>>20252
>Walmart.webm

You know, this is just one reason why I want to visit the USA. It's such a strange country in many aspects.
>>
No. 20260
>>20252
Every time I see that video, I get a bunch of emotions:
I want to die from second hand embarrasment
I want to strangle the fag who invented this chant
And of course I want to run away.
Especially the “you love this place” part makes my blood boil.
Let me decide if I love my low end wageslave job that’s exploiting me for the good of capital.
>>
No. 20267
>>20260
Have have all of these feels as well and I've never managed to watch more than a few seconds of that video.
>>
No. 20275
The shortstack manager lady scolded me again for being a fuckup.

I simply turned away and began talking to my client, since I don't have time for pointless rants.

She ended up storming out in tears. I feel terrible about myself. What the hell is going on?
>>
No. 20281
>>20260

>Let me decide

Passive aggressive potential terrorist spotted.
>>
No. 20282
>>20275
You gotta give people their time in the sun. I'm bad at it too, it's easy to forget that others exist. It probably would have gone different if you'd said that you needed to work with the client for a bit and that you'd talk to her after.
t. has a lot of experience in being judged as a fuckup
>>
No. 20283
>>20275
She wanted the D, lol.

But seriously, were you actually being a fuck-up? If not, then there is nothing to feel terrible about, it's just roaches in her heda. Do watch out though, she may be aiming to get you fired. If you're being scolded by a superior, it's safer to agree with them, tell them that you will correct you mistakes etc. etc., even if you're not actually going to do that. It usually calms power-obsessed fuckers down, at least for a while.
>>
No. 20285
161 kB, 1000 × 563
My paper is nearly finished it just needs an introduction and a conclusion. I hesitate writing the latter because I'm not sure that I have a proper thesis to go back as reference. Always write the introduction last but this time I don't really had thesis in my ind while writing some vague stuff that works but yeah...
>>
No. 20286
I learn a lot about Hungarian grammar during the extra literature and grammar classes. Really enlightening stuff. This is a great language. It's pretty logical, but sometimes it's a clusterfuck.
I should read up on the history of the language a bit more.

My parents came home yesterday. We didn't meet because I was already asleep. Then in the morning we briefly talked with my mother before I left for class.
They brought some gifts. I got two boxes of tea. Both seem to be Chinese, but I can't read the arabic on the second box, so I don't know the type. Guess I'll just try it.
They said they are very proud of me for being able to run the household for a week. I guess it's sort of an achievement.

Wrote 3 pages of my essay on Shostakovich. I'll re-write it tomorrow. I want to be really good, because I'm going to show it to the music teacher.
>If you can write something usable, I'd gladly accept it as teaching material
So I'm going to write a long version, and then a "short version" which can be given as handouts to students if one chooses.
You might say
>She is just taking advantage of you!
It might be the case, but think about it! I can make a change! I can elevate the quality of something. I can shed light on a subject nobody cares about!

I finished reading The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea during one of my empty classes. I wrote a synopsis and a short interpretation, and then I fell asleep and slept for half an hour at one of the sofas.
More on this in the literature thread if I manage to get my act together and write it out.

Felt generally pretty happy. Smiled multiple times for no reason. My mood is great.
>>
No. 20287
I also had a weird dream about class where we were talking about the history of the communist international for whatever reason.
Don't know if this should be categorised as a "nightmare" or not. It was mildly unpleasant.
>>
No. 20288
29 kB, 300 × 300
>>20286
>They said they are very proud of me for being able to run the household for a week. I guess it's sort of an achievement.

Well, it is. Not everybody would have been able to do so.

---

Finished my introduction to the paper since I found the thesis in my digital note stack. It's a good thesis and makes perfect sense in the context of my paper, relief. Gonna write a conclusion tomorrow.
>>
No. 20289
>>20283
>>20282
I genuinely don't know if I'm a fuck up.

I think it's one of those irreconcilable differences in how I experience reality vs normal people that causes these problems. Maybe I just don't realize how emotionally vulnerable people are, and that getting confronted by an angry client actually stresses them out. I am so emotionally blunted that I don't even acknowledge their emotional state and keep talking as if nothing emotional is even going on, which confuses them a lot.

Maybe I'm a genuinely caustic person, in the sense that I create chaos wherever I go, simply because I do not care about the consequences of taking on tasks that might be unreasonable or beyond my ability. Or rather, for me, the goal of doing something is the thrill of doing it, be it a success or a failure. So my response to any request is "sure, I will try it". With the caveat that I will most likely fail, and I do not care how much that pisses you off, because I took the task for my own amusement / learning, rather than your benefit. It might seem inconsiderate, but I can't relate to non-fatalistic approaches to life. If something happened that is beyond my control, then it's better to just roll with it. If I asked someone to do something I can't do, and they can't do it either, there's no need to be upset, because there was no reason to expect that task to be done in the first place. The easiest way to avoid being upset over losing hope, is to never get your hopes up in the first place.

Or maybe I'm just fucked in the heda and a sociopathic thrill hedonist. I've been a recluse for long enough to learn to appreciate anything that happens, even if it's stressful. At least it's something. If I were a character in a book, I wouldn't want my story to be boring. So a fuckup is as good as a success, as long as it's mildly interesting.

I'm feeling like killing an arab and pushing a boulder up a hill right now.
>>
No. 20290
>>20289
Also, it's 3AM right now, and the reason why I stayed so late at work on the day before the fucking holidays is a story of its own that spans several weeks, with ups and downs, hopes and defeats.

You might be interested to know that this story also ultimately ended in failure. I did everything possible and failed at the end. It was interesting.
>>
No. 20291
Also, she didn't seem malicious.
She seemed desperate and defeated.

Am I really that much of a trouble to be around? I'm just trying my best and making honest mistakes. I let myself have one day of weakness binging youtube videos on sunday instead of working, and it comes to this.

This is really troubling me. Maybe I still have a warped perception of myself and there's something I need to fix about myself. I just wish I was told what exactly.
Maybe an anxious, paranoid avoidant shouldn't work at a reception. But then again, maybe an anxious, paranoid avoidant SHOULD work at a reception, so he can learn what to do when people come to him, with no way to escape.

I am so confused
>>
No. 20292
Mostly spent the last days in leisure and feeling bad about it inbetween (it's terrible to see that I'm actually less productive when I'm not doing hours as dishwasher, as much as the work sucks it still motivates and pushes me forward), but yesterday I at least start to get back into the preparations for my internship.
Also I when I was high on sunday I've made myself an Interpals account and while I mostly knew it as a meme dating site which was talked about kc and only tried it years ago in an effortless and despaired attempt to talk to girls, it turned out to be an actually quite decent place. If you find the right people to talk to, obviously. I got two contacts out of it, one is a protestant dutch historian and the other is a turkish muslima studying archeticture. With both of them I've started having long-winded and fruitful serious discussions about history, literature, theology and architecture.
If Ernst is looking for some stimulating discussions outside of EC with interesting individuals I can only recommend this platform.

Also the saga revolving around my hs crush and me continues (in a positive way). I had typed out a long text about it but I decided not to post it as in the end it's still the old game that men and women play since the beginnings of time and right now overthinking everything doesn't help me a lot and I'm in control of everything, no matter the outcome.

>>20068
>Afaik many humanities students do their master and then get a Volontariat. Didn't even know that apprenticeships for newspapers concerning writing exist.
Sorry for the late answer. Yes, I know about the Volontariat. I worded it the wrong way, the apprenticeships I applied to (librarian/archivist - as I wrote before I need to have a couple of backup plans) don't have anything to do with journalism, it's just that it took time to write those so I stopped caring for the journalism for a while as I had to get lots of deadlines.
I am actually striving for a Voluntariat, obviously as a college deopout I'm rather at the bottom of the barrel but I think I'm evening out my weaknesses in other ways. The objective chances might not be too great for me but I think I got what it takes to establish myself as a sort of newcomer outlaw, as soon as I get my hands on writing something for them and they get to know me they'll value me for sure. I'm planning to confront them with my ideas for a report as soon as I get the opportunity.
>>
No. 20294
>>20289
It's not an uncommon thing. Everybody is their own protagonist. When you've got something upstairs that makes it more difficult to remember that you are not in a linear story about yourself (schizo, asperger) then sometimes it's bound to flare up.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're caustic by that definition. I guess if you've some similar experiences to my own, you can be at times, maybe even unknowingly, but from our conversations I've never had the impression of you going out of your way to be obnoxious with the caveat of when you've had particularly intense manic episodes, but that's happened to all of us. You show remorse, so like I've always said; use the remorse for its intended purpose. Learn from it and try to avoid getting it for the same reason again.

>>20291
She might have just been having one of those days. Might have already had to deal with a lot of shit, and in a service industry the customer isn't always eloquent and charming as I'm sure you're aware. Just being turned around on could have been the straw to break the camel's back.
>>
No. 20295
>>20294
Oh, and try not to let your relatives get to you too much today since I assume the number will be hitting critical mass because of Nauryz. Be strong fren.
>>
No. 20318
Wait. Interesting okay.
>>
No. 20321
Today I started the day by masturbating to myself in the mirror.
>>
No. 20323
So today the german wikipedia is down as a warning for what's to come. Are any of the european Ernsts attending the demos on saturday?
>>
No. 20324
>>20292
> I think I got what it takes to establish myself as a sort of newcomer outlaw, as soon as I get my hands on writing something for them and they get to know me they'll value me for sure. I'm planning to confront them with my ideas for a report as soon as I get the opportunity.

Good luck then

>>20323
Works fine for me. Can somebody infopill me on the new law and its consequences?
>>
No. 20327
66 kB, 600 × 585
>>20323
>European internets
>fucks given about disloyal to government information: 0
>fucks given about copyright infridgement: a lot
>Russian internets
>fucks given about copyright infridgement: 0
>fucks given about disloyal to government information: a lot
Why our world has to suck that much?
>>
No. 20329
107 kB, 800 × 600
>>20327

>>20323
I am still not fully convinced that this shit is truly only bad. So I do not give much of a fuck.
>>
No. 20334
>>20323
>Are any of the european Ernsts attending the demos on saturday?
Nah, I just filled out the petition for what it's worth.
https://www.change.org/p/stoppt-die-zensurmaschine-rettet-das-internet-uploadfilter-artikel13-saveyourinternet

>>20324
>Works fine for me.
Did you check de.wikipedia.org?
>Can somebody infopill me on the new law and its consequences?
I only recently really read about it as well, but from what I understood:
They want to make platforms liable for "illegal" content(from parodies to extremist content, of course very broadly defined to allow censoring), which would lead to platforms filtering content as it's uploaded before it gets published. So if it's then actually enforced smaller sites would probably even have difficulties complying with that at all, and would probably have to go even more underground. I guess it's even questionable how technically doable that would be, but best not to find out.
>>
No. 20340
Never been so content for a while.
Went to buy trousers and get them altered, done this 3 times now.
Had pleasant conversation, treated like a white God, knowing some Cantonese helps.
Then went to buy shoes, my feet are too big for Asia, then drank beers and walked back home.
Not happy the gym i walked into which was shitty, said hey you been drinking as I left, but fuck that.
I wanted to buy some street food which is deep fried kippers but they don't sell it in this district.

Bad news is I didn't exercise yesterday and ate McDonalds.
Had a food hangover, I am serious.
Ate lunch today for breakfast, so had a Wagu burger 4.5e, not worth the price, but good.
Treated like shit at work because Chinese aren't human and I am too polite.
No class for two hours, after a poo and 50min I decided to go to McDonalds get a meal with coffee for 3e, I also found a place where I can get a tea for 2e, but that would be new and awkward.
What would you do, sit in a classroom you aren't teaching while playing on your phone 10 battery so would not last 2 hours.
Sit at reception with various people coming and going.
Be an alpha and grab a chair and sit outside.
Go to McShit for an hour

Update My wife called hospitals and my work because I was missing idgaf
>>
No. 20342
>>20340
From my experience in Asia proper, European stock tends to be too damn big for everything, not just shoes. I was flat out fitting in a single seat on the train in Singapore, and grown men were standing at eye height while I was sitting down and I'm not even massive. I always thought it was overstated, but it sure as hell ain't. Dunno how the fug you manage to live there. I couldn't handle a fuggen week in what's probably one of the more western cities.
>>
No. 20344
161 kB, 523 × 639
Had a nice day today. Worked a bunch on my translation. It's actually getting better. There are a lot less factual errors in it, and the prose is better to read. I'm roughly a third of the way into the revision.

The cap of my thermos has a rotten smell to it. It might have gotten mouldy. Thankfully the tea itself was fine when I checked it, so I wasn't left without any tea. (Now if I'm hospitalized or straight up fucking die, this is the reason, folks!)

We started talking about Tolstoy today. It was pretty embarrassing.
>"Who here read anything by Tolstoy before?"
>I'm the only one who put up his hand
>"What did you read Ernst?"
>War and Peace
>"Anybody else?" "Nobody?"
It was incredibly assburger.

Found a copy of Freud's Introduction to Psychoanalysis at a street vendor. I bought it. Seems sort of useful, but it could be just another vial of poison to my psyche. Who knows.
Any of you ever read Freud? Is it dangerous? Dangerous as in, will it make me see everything in this weird sexual sense?
Saw a copy of Absalom! Absalom! too, but it was in shit condition so I didn't get it.

When I got home, I wrote the greatest essay about Shostakovich. I decided to trash what I wrote yesterday, because it was unsalvageable. This one is shorter and simpler. And can be easily understood, and that's the point. I'm going to hand it in tomorrow.
The sections go like this
>Biography
>Music(al styles)
>Selected Works
>Recommended Listening
>Sources
Separating the topics really helped and made the text more logical. The first one was a convoluted mess. Got the idea for this on the way home.
Of course at two pages it's longer than the half page long little blurb in the textbook, but it's worth it imho.

I can proclaim that life has become better. Life has become merrier, Ernsts.
>>
No. 20345
>>20344
>Freud

He is a piece of western history, back then and decades later it was and perhaps is still big, but people left Freud behind, it's lots of crap as well and yes, maybe you see everything libidinal. I read his book Unbehagen der Kultur it's an interesting explanation but is not so much about his dream works but about Trieb

Never have been interested in Freud again and since I read a lot of what is called critical theory and sometimes stumble across freudo-marxistic positions especially when you go into the years 1960-1970s, it still exists I think. In any case, it's not a bad idea to buy such a classic. It was one of THE books around 1900, a real bestseller, dreams and unconsciousness was in fashion. If you are interested in a novel that deals with the theme from that time: Alfred Kubin - Die andere Seite.
>>
No. 20346
>>20345
Well, the main reason I bought it was because I knew he excreted considerable influence on literature too, so it wouldn't hurt to know the basics of his theories.
I had no illusions that it'd be actually useful in any way to study philosophy. (Considering how old the book is.)
>>
No. 20347 Kontra
>>20346
I meant Psychology but I wrote philosophy for some reason.
>>
No. 20348
>>20346
>influence on literature

A lot. So yes, it is definitely not wrong to read him.
>>
No. 20350
>>20348
Yes. I guess I just read it in a different mindset and instead of considering it a textbook, I should just read it as a product of its time and a historical document. As to not influence my thinking too much.
Don't know why I'm scared of Freud. No idea.
>>
No. 20362
I'm just gonna relax and do whatever I feel like until the end of the week.
So I didn't do too much today, just some reading and g*ming mostly.
Ah, I also went to fix my grandpa's computer and it was pretty ridiculous. I fixed the initial issue within an minutes but then some other bug occurred which I was unable to fix until it went away by itself. There really should be some stupidly simple OS for old people where they can't mess things up.

>>20344
>Any of you ever read Freud? Is it dangerous? Dangerous as in, will it make me see everything in this weird sexual sense?
I've read some essays (his writing is actually rather tedious from what I read first hand) but mostly know his ideas from a seminar I attended.
Not necessarily dangerous, but definitely powerful I'd say. His ideas pretty much took a life of their own and are now deeply rooted on many levels in Western culture, from works of art to general human self-perception. So if you seriously study him, it's not unlikely that it'll somewhat change your views. I guess it depends how you approach it, but IMO it's easy to get trapped in his ideology, so you should probably also read some criticisms and secondary works and whatnot.

>>20350
>Don't know why I'm scared of Freud. No idea.
Castration anxiety much? X-DDDDD
>>
No. 20363
>>20350
>>20362
Actually when I was reading Freud in my later teenage years it made me believe that I'd had an oedipus complex and it seriously troubled me for a while. The way Freud worded it's symptoms just seemed to fit perfectly on how I felt. Luckily I shook it off.
>>
No. 20365
Haven't Freud's ideas regarding the major source of traits like psychiatric illness and neuroticism lying in the home environment been pretty roundly confuted by empirical results in twin and adoption studies?

Anyway, I enjoyed his book "Civilization and its Discontents" when I found it at a yard sale many years ago.
>>
No. 20399
Restoring thread order 5
>>
No. 20411
I am currently fucking over a bunch of people by simply doing nothing on a holiday.

They're blowing up my phone for two days, but I don't want to pick it up. But I'm too anxious and avoidant to confront them, I just want to hide in my room and recharge.
>>
No. 20412
Ernst, this shit finally needs to end.
Once again I didn't pay a bill at the right time so I got a fee and have to pay a bonus of 50 euros to those hebraeic tribesmen. It's not even like I couldn't pay the original bills, I just procrastinate doing it. But I've had enough, this went too far. I could have bought myself expansive books for this money. I need an organizer. I need to write down everything I spend and take in, even though I'm a bit afraid of doing so. Any other pro-tips?
>>
No. 20416
>>20412
Sounds like you might have some condition or at least could be diagnosed with one like depression which would allow you to get some social worker or alike (Not really sure which people exactly do this stuff) to help you with such pretty basic routines. Afaik those people come to your flat on a regular basis do things like mail or shopping with you and check if you manage to organize your life. Of course this is a big step to let somebody into your privacy on such a level, but if nothing else helps it might be a solution. You could also get a girlfriend of course, because females are usually better than us with such things, but they can also be much more difficult to acquire and tend to be an even bigger impact on your privacy.
>>
No. 20417
56 kB, 800 × 533
307 kB, 800 × 450
228 kB, 1200 × 800
>>20412
>I just procrastinate doing it

Why so?

Just pay the bill immediately or make it at all time visible to you. Take a paper and some Tesa and pin a to do list next to your kitchen door/fridge whatever will help seeing it daily often enough.

---

I think about writing in essay about the MDMA and pill production in south Holland/Netherlands as an aesthetic phenomenon.
>>
No. 20418
97 kB, 1000 × 600
>>20417
I am not an expert on drugs, especially not on the production, but isn't that stuff you need for Meth, which is unlike what is commonly understood as MDMA?
>>
No. 20419
>>20418
No, meth is different to MDMA, perhaps both of them are derivates of a same family tho.
But without being an expert not even amateur in chemistry I can safely say that these containers and pipes will be used in almost all chemical drug productions. They are basic instruments you need for chemistry processes, be it simple storage of compounds or distillation and what not.

Thinking about it, it's more a specific aesthetic of organized crime, a specific strand. Rural holland, run down county with high unemployment rate afaik, and a long tradition of smuggling and drug production. The Netherlands are the center for MDMA in Europe and perhaps the world.

I have categories like visible and invisible. These containers show up as a dump one morning, like some phlegm or ejection from a mole or something. What might be a aesthetic value in those chemicals or the containers filled with chemicals is a question that immediately comes to my mind.
But first a general question of what is the aesthetic of organized crime? is there some and what is it like? All strans of organized crime have some similarities like being somehow invisible, but they show up in certain forms, phenomenons etc.
>>
No. 20420 Kontra
>>20419
I think these chemical container dumps are somehow uncanny. strange? eerie? I need to read Mark Fishers book on these terms, maybe it can give a handy definition that fits with these dumps and all.
>>
No. 20422
68 kB, 654 × 713
My boss called me today and told me to do the task I didn't have time for before holidays started.

I said "yeah, sure", and didn't. He's blowing up my phone now, and I refuse to pick it up.
Fuck working on a national holiday, he can fire me if he wants to, I don't give a shit.

I just want to sleep and watch dumb youtube videos for three days straight.
>>
No. 20423
>>20419
>But first a general question of what is the aesthetic of organized crime? is there some and what is it like?
I guess crime generally has certainly the attraction of the risk and an adrenaline rush to it while doing something that is forbidden. Most if not all of us know it to some degree. May it be a chocolate bar you stole at the supermarket as a kid or doing something dodgy online. Getting into organized crime, i.e. joining a gang or having associates you regularly do crimes on a larger scale with is another thing for me. I doubt everyone is able to get into something like that. You either need to have some pathological personality or be really greedy for a lot of money fast. To me the main problem of such a living would be that I could never ever trust anyone and would most likely never get proper sleep at all. The upside would be that you are able to do things normal people couldn't, achieve an obscure form of power and not having to care about morals anymore.
>>
No. 20424
108 kB, 402 × 600
>>20422
That all went downhill fast, don't you think? From being happy to having a job that didn't involve your brother and seeing that you are good at it, to complaining about being tired in the evenings and then not answering the phone to your boss anymore, it took how long, was it two months?
Don't get me wrong. I understand you. I am not much better. But that surely is not a way to ever get anywhere.
>>
No. 20428
>>20424
Well, at least I learned how to get a job.
I just need to get a bit better at that so I can have a better job.

I'm probably getting all high and mighty again, but I looked at my coworkers and realized that they're the kind of people desperate enough to work 10 hours 6 days a week with no contract and spend the night at work because they live in some village outside the city and have no skills other than basic computer operation. And it's no coincidence that there's so much employee drain. Like half the people at my office are relatively new hires because the people they replaced found something better.
And all I can think about is "is this really the best I can do?". I want to try again tbh, and I'm pretty confident that I can do better.
>>
No. 20432
85 kB, 804 × 802
I'm gonna be honest with you guys, like 50% of the justifications I make for my actions are an attempt to cover up my paranoid anxiety.

Pretending that I am fucking people over for fun or upholding some stuck up higher ideals both sound to me less pathetic than admitting that I am literally too anxious to pick up the phone sometimes.

Those were the same reasons I dropped out of uni and was continuously unemployed, using the very same excuses. Hearing my ringtone literally makes my heart skip a beat.
>>
No. 20434
Ah yes, the weekend is here.

First thing in the morning, I went to the principal's office to print out the essay, then I handed it in. The teacher was fucking dumbfounded that I was able to do it in ~2 days.
>You must have a lot of time
>Don't mention it, it was maybe two hours for me
Though this is purely a passion-project, so it will have no direct effect on my studies. Still, I was happy to help. I did something.

Not much happened besides this. I have a few plans for today, mainly to prepare for next week.
I'm going to start digitalising my hanzi cards. I feel confident enough now to speed up things. (Not to mention I don't always have access to a table, so I can't always make cards.)

I have tons of shit to do during the weekend, but I'm going to sit back and relax today. Work comes tomorrow. Honestly, if the weather is good, I might just go and sit in the garden while reading/writing. There is already a table prepared, so why not?

Found out what type of tea the second box holds. Turns out I forgot to inspect the sixth side of the box. Apparently it's class 4011 (whatever that might mean found nothing about it besides that it's a thing actually) Chun-mee tea. I think I'll try it today.
Should be good.
>>
No. 20435
>>20424
It's quite common.

Be a NEET everything is shit and you do not want to associate why this is shit to your own actions.

However get a job, you can blame everything in life on shit bosses, work colleges and work.
It is sanity for the soul.

When I wasn't working I could only blame myself.
When I had a job I could blame my life on work, this does wonders for your self esteem.

90% of ppl bitch about work.
Having an external thing you can blame is quite comforting and is part of being a member of society.
>>
No. 20437
50 kB, 500 × 606
>>20435
I think I hate virtue signalling about "self awareness", "willpower" and "stoicism" more than straight up narcissistic self aggrandizing.
It's just another type of kool aid that people love to get high off of, imagining themselves to be Sisyphus pushing back against the world despite the odds.

No, I don't think working weekends and doing unpaid overtime makes me some paragon of hard work and ruggedness, I think it makes me a chump wasting my time on some chink's poorly run business. I'm gonna take a gamble on the fact that they're already understaffed and put my foot down on unpaid work, see what happens. Should be interesting at least.
>>
No. 20440
>>20437
Well; you already said you were going to do it after being asked, don't have another job lined up, and need to provide for your mum so I guess you're going to tell him you've been ill with food poisoning and then crack to doing the work.

No point in dressing this up, you fucked up pretty badly and no amount of delusion is going to pay the bills.
>>
No. 20441
I managed to enter ~110 cards into my digital deck
This is really draining.
>>
No. 20443
>>20423
This is all true, but I'm not thinking about how getting involved feels or what reason there are. More about the appearance of organized crime. Like does the infrastructure has a certain aesthetic appeal? Like the destruction of the world trade centers had. Damn, perhaps that is pointless. I don't get behind the point of "the things that rise to the surface" like the overnight dumpings. The drugs are boring, well... might write about the design of pills :DDDD I'm missing the ideas and terms/theory to get my hands on this topic. But maybe the production line as a whole as an aesthetic appeal.
I have to think of the movie "Rundskopp" that deals with organized crime as well in rural Begium. But perhaps the movie is just an aestheticization of all this. More interesting is, if this all has an aesthetic of its own.
>>
No. 20444
75 kB, 432 × 324
Today I took the train to my small hhometown for I'm going to celebrate a special event with friends this weekend. In the evening I took a little to stroll to the last supermarket that had opened, like I did so many countless times before. Funnily, throughout the years of my absence it were often the same faces I have seen during my trips inside. When I was already crossing the parking lot, a grey big car moved past me. Unwillingly glancing into its window the face behind it revealed itself to be well-known to me. More or less, at least. Let's start from the beginning though, back in the late teenager years when I was around 17 I think, I had that friend who was quite the assburger. I had other friends as well, but he was more of loner really. Still I liked his company, and for some reasons he'd often carry some weed with him. At some point he befriended a girl I knew sincd elementary school and he took her in to smoke with us. If I remember correctly he fell in love with her but it didn't came out anything of it, they only stayed friends. Still we used to smoke a joint every now and then and watch some movie classics from the 80s while being high. I liked her for her positive nature but I had never felt any great kind of further affection. Still I got invited to some of her birthdays, where I usually got pretty drunk as I did so often. She and her girlfriends used to always be pretty close but at some point she moved away to a bigger city, planning to become a dancing teacher (she had done quite professional dancing since her early child years, to everyone she has always been a dancer). I think she enjoyed the life over there but living alone in such an early age must had done something to her. In the end it seems like her dreams were crushed, she came back to the old hometown, now was estranged from her old friends and by weird circumstances got together with some irrelevant bydlo guy, who made her end the friendship with this former friend of mine I mentioned, probably framing him as some kind of bad influence due to the weed. So their ways parted as well as well as my way with the common friend we had, for completely other reasons I won't elaborate here. Last year another friend of mine were pretty hungover during our stay in the hometown so we decided to get some pizza. Well, there she stood working as a cashier. It was a weird moment, she smiled but whe had nothing to tell each other.
So I was close to getting into the supermarket as I saw her boyfriend's face in the car, I wasn't sure if it was really him but I sped up a bit because I really just wanted to get the liquor for the party tomorrow and then head back to my families' home. So I got inside and were close to paying it, when I saw both of them entering the supermarket. She seemed to be really surprised to see me (this might sound like humblebragging but my physical and facial structure changed to the better a lot so it's important to the story) and maybe even taken by surprise how different I looked from back when we knew each other better. For one moment she leaped forward of her boyfriend and there was something like the light shadow of a smile to be seen on her face. I was rather surprised myself, as she had become a quite, let's say dark appearance. Not dark in the goth way but just those kind of joyless eyes and resting sadness one would imagine seeing on someone who's gone through a lot of shit. Maybe I'm the even darker counterpart, as I couldn't even get myself to give back something as easy as a smile. I felt overwhelmed and just nodded my head towards her. Then unavoidably my stare wandered to her boyfriend, who made a rather unfriendly expression. Luckily they past by fast and I could get out of the store. There isn't much to this story, but I still wanted to tell it for its own sake. It's only interesting because it reminded me of the existance of a person that I almost had forgotten about.
>>
No. 20454
>>20441
>This is really draining.
Just be glad you're doing this now, before the pile of cards becomes truly overwhelming. How are you digitizing them? When I decided to do this with my flashcards I made a csv file. That way I was able to save them without committing to any specific flashcard app.
>>
No. 20459
>>20440
You are right, something has to be done about this anxious and avoidant behavior.

It's literally the source of every failure in my life, as it makes me behave irrationally.
>>
No. 20469
>>20454
Well, I decided to commit to a flashcard app, because I find it nice that I can edit the cards on my PC and then just sync them with my Iphone(tm)(c).
It was getting out of hand anyway, nearing 200 cards and all that.
>>
No. 20470
Feel pretty shit about myself right now.

I should legit start living at work. Whenever I get home, the schizoparanoid avoidant autism takes over and inevitably attempt to cut all contact with the outside world and return to my parallel dimension.

It happens at the worst of times, too. I need a tard wrangler to take care of me.
>>
No. 20476
I wonder, what could ad of lingerie with label "Daily dose of Vitamin D"? :DDDD
>>
No. 20478
58 kB, 400 × 494
Sober since Tuesday. Good stuff, though it was rather grueling to have extended family over for dinner. They always argue about some dumb shit and you only realize just how stupid it is when you're not inebriated.
Wrote a pretty long to-do list which I'll start tackling tomorrow by putting some stuff online for sale.
Feeling kind of tired already so maybe I'll just watch a movie and take this as a chance to fix my sleep schedule.
>>
No. 20481
All day yesterday and today the wind has been blowing hard enough it sounds like Fallout Tactics out there with howling through the windows. It is satisfying.
>>
No. 20482
Ok, I feel better now. Those short cycles are really something.
Did bosses' task, hopefully he won't be mad about it being late.

I'm just going to show up on monday as if nothing happened. Also, brother is really trying to convince me to quit my job now, while avoiding the question of actually getting paid again lmao.
>>
No. 20485
Today was pretty good. Sat outside and read almost all of The Death of Ivan Ilich while sipping lemonade.
Did some homework too. We were asked to compile a list of books that influenced us, after we read Tolstoy's list of works that influenced him. Five books that had an influence on you until you were 14 years of age, and 5 from 14 to currently. It was pretty easy to compile.

I also entered almost all the cards into my deck. Still have 10 more to go but fuck that.

Had a 5 hour long conversation with one of the family's acquaintances. We went over a wide range of topics from sociology to literature. It was pretty rad. Sometimes /pol/ tier, but still stimulating. Finally got a chance to talk about that big pile of books I keep in my room.

Gonna watch some jap cartoons, and then I'm going to finish reading Ivan Ilich. Also started reading that Chinese adventure novel. It's entertaining. The MC kills himself in the first chapter. What a way to go. Looks like it'll be a fine little novel. Shame I don't know what its called in English or Chinese. (Or even German. Supposedly it has a Russian and a French translation.)
>>
No. 20489
204 kB, 1280 × 960
>>20246
>How did you even get involved with a doctor? What's your station in life?

I just fell into it through bumble. If only there was some magic formula to meeting doctors because, what with the insane hours, you get your space to be an assburger which is pretty noice. Like if girlfriends were house-plants then a doctor is a fern and a pretty understanding fern at that.

My station is I have an important government job and would be looking to settle down in a few years anyway. So yeah, fuck it. I'm sure I can play this out for a couple years and she's good for me anyway. Here comes the part where I accidentally knock her up and become a house-husband.

>>20482
It's good to see that you're back on track. I'm sure everything will be fine, nobody can get too mad with work over a public holiday. Just remember to answer your phone and bullshit for time if you ever end up stuck like this again.

t.procrastinating on a big project
>>
No. 20490
>>20489
>I have an important government job
Do you work in intelligence or is it just some kind of bureaucratic post?
>>
No. 20510
O fug, a client is seething at me over a fuck up that isn't even mine.

The person whose fuckup it is seems to have pushed the responsibility on me behind the scenes, now the client thinks I owe him something. He's threatening to talk to the higher ups.

Well, let him come. I officially signed a check for materials + cutting, I don't give a shit what happened lower down the production chain. Apparently, some fuckup constructor broke his thing, and now he thinks it's my responsibility to fix it.
>>
No. 20513
The constructor who broke the client' shit is threatening to beat me up :-DDDDD.
>>
No. 20514
>>20513
Such is life at the Kazakh workplace?
>>
No. 20515
>>20514
He's some village bydlo who agreed to build the client's order and take the payment for himself rather than bringing it to cashier.
He broke the parts, and now both him and the client are at my throat for not fixing it in my own time.

I think I'll speak to the higher ups and get him fired, he put me through a lot of trouble.
>>
No. 20531
There is something really good about sitting outside in the shade of a blossoming cherry tree, sipping lemonade, with an old pine watching over me as the wind blows. It's like this is how things ought to be.
Didn't do much today. Not like that's a problem.

I think I've figured out the causes of why I feel panicked. It's the mixture of masturbation and caffeine. Who would have thought that Mormons have it right?
Or, at least, that the nofap crowd is right.
All of my little experiments regarding my workload, my efficiency, back this up. It's essentially a choice between pleasure and progress.

Tomorrow I'm going to translate poetry. I've been "commissioned" to do so by the school for an event, and I've been putting it off for too long.
>>
No. 20532
>>20531
>It's essentially a choice between pleasure and progress

You can work hard and then masturbate. It can have an effect on your energy level but you can deal with it otherwise or do something else to feel energized again, like sports, that will give a balance to masturbation and doing nothing the whole day besides other pleasures like reading etc.
And I'm not talking about you specifically but my experiences.
>>
No. 20534
>>20532
Of course it'd be impossible to "never" do it. As I experienced it, it just need to be spaced out. Once every 4-5 days, and then it becomes harmless/beneficial.
It feels a bit embarrassing to discuss things like these. It's like I was an American puritan abroad the Mayflower in my past life.
Like with drugs, you can't get the guidance of your ancestors on your side. It's a taboo in the West.
>>
No. 20536
90 kB, 1000 × 1000
>>20534
You are stuck in the 19th century.
>>
No. 20537
69 kB, 311 × 471
>>20536
By all means, I am.
>>
No. 20539
>>20537
Have you read any of the french realists and naturalists btw? I was wondering, since you fancy this genre it seems.
>>
No. 20540
>>20539
The only French authors I've read are Camus and Houellebecq.
Never had the chance to read Balzac, Hugo or Zola.
>>
No. 20541
>>20534
Dunno, ladm8. There's absolutely no basis for it impacting your concentration and if you're going to procrastinate then it's by no means time consuming. By all means question your motivations but it sounds like you've just picked up pseudo-science that will only bring frustration interspersed with guilt.

Whenever I'm working on project at home I end up masturbating just to zone out for a little bit but soon get back to work. I mean, if you're seeing a girl and masturbated beforehand then your conversation with her is going to be much more cerebral, no?
>>
No. 20542
>>20541
It depends on when I do it, honestly. If I fuck up and do it in the morning, it's guaranteed that I'll end up lazing around all day, doing nothing.
>>
No. 20543
139 kB, 1200 × 932
Got a 98 on ochem II midterm. No curve since the average was pretty high (60). Felt good but I wanted to get a 100.

Took a walk at a local park today. The C*nada Geese, which are utter vermin and disease vectors by the way, were crowding out a lone pair of mallards.

Currently watching fossil / mineral hunting videos on YouTube. I would really like to find some fern or ammonite fossils this spring.
>>
No. 20548
Shit, my boss gave me an epic ass whooping for not picking up the other day.

God damn anxiety, at least I kept my job.
>>
No. 20549
>>20548
What are u working as?
>>
No. 20551
>>20549
As a """""designer""""" at a cheapo large format printing polygraphy.

You know, making stuff like "selling used car parts, call 666 420". Our boss is a pretty cutthroat capitalist chink, people who work here practically live here. There's even barracks to stay over.
>>
No. 20553
Ok, I learned a workplace social climbing wisdom: suck up to your boss, do your bosses requests first.
Doesn't matter if there's 5 clients waiting in line, the boss doesn't give a shit about clients and their complaints, he wants his shit done.

Well, his business, his priorities.
>>
No. 20554
Good god, am I a lazy prick. I had two hours to copy a bunch of handouts into my notebook, and to solve a bunch of German exercizes. And ehat did I do?
I spent it flipping through flashcards and sipping overly strong tea.
God, just let me do “nothing”
>>
No. 20555
>>20554
classic procrastination

I had a deja-vu concerning my question about french realists and naturalists. Anyway, don't they sell cheaply in Hungary?
>>
No. 20556
>>20555
I just never really cared about French literature. I enjoyed Candide, The Stranger and The Song of Roland, but I never really went out of my way to read their doorstops, plainly for my lack of interest.
Same goes for British literature. Chaucer was good, but I just don’t see myself reading Dickens.

Wish the panic would go away.
>>
No. 20562
I slept maybe 5 hours. Despite this I woke up before my alarm was set off. The day itself was pretty bad, besides the fact that I managed to study my flashcards a lot.
I've decided to use this method in actual school subjects too.

Heard my classmates discuss One Punch Man again. A girl complimented me for being right the last time they were talking about anime. Indeed it was 12 episodes. She seemed so bloody excited to be talking about it. I wanted to claim that I don't get excited about things this much, because I can't, but then I remember the countless moments I spent raving about the Nibelungenlied.
Last time they were discussing anime, I just sat there, listening and asking naive questions, but the assburger escaped and I foolishly mentioned Evangelion. Not that it matters, because nobody remembers anything I say.
All they could gather was the fact that I know the terminus technicus of weeaboos, and not much else.
Thank god nobody knows about the hanzi cards.

Thinking about these two discussions is really strange. We essentially jovially discussed a subject we ridiculed one of our ex-classmates over. (Of course he did other ridiculous shit, but him being a black-belt weeb learning kanji on his phone was one of the things that most of my classmates found a thing to frown on. After his gun-nuttery, constant violent threats to dismember/kill/fuck you up, and the fact that he was carrying a giant knife with him to school every day. Re-thinking this, it probably wasn't the weeaboo stuff. Forget it. I just found it ironic.)

Nobody cares about the "work" I do. I've handed in 4 writings during the past month about different subjects, and not a single one was read. Infuriating.
>So, have you read it? How is it.
>Oh, I tell you, some of you still write really badly
>Don't talk about the others' grades, I don't care about those, what is it to me that they write badly?
>Where is your sense of community?

Bought two books on the way home. Both are Karinthy volumes. One is his collected poems.
>>
No. 20563
>>20556
>I just never really cared about French literature

Me neither but Zola and Balzac are must reads if you are interested in realism/naturalism. And they aint bad, tbh. But I've only read Germinal the one about food in Paris from Zola was just not that catchy in comparison to other books I had around. But if you are a fan of realism/naturalism these books can be fountain.
>>
No. 20571
Leave house at 6:45, arrive an hour too early.

Leave house at 7:25, arrive 10 minutes late. Such is life on the kazakh commute.
>>
No. 20572
>>20556
>never read charles dickens
Pickwik papers is extremelly good, i recomend it strongly
>>
No. 20573
>>20571
not an unusual case in glorious westerners societies, especially when you don't live in a city with proper public transport or outside of it and need to get in first.
>>
No. 20574
I had a dream where I with my friend played in coop some sonic game that not exist. Tbh he played from my PC, and I had fucking nintendo switch, even in real life I'd never buy such thing. And I compred it to other sonic gme which also not exist.
>>
No. 20575 Kontra
>>20573
But at least in the wect they pay you a relatively good wage. Some companiese even cover your travel expenses.
>>
No. 20576
98 kB, 913 × 700
>>20575
I thought Hungary sucsesfull and west country
>>
No. 20585
1,1 MB, 1907 × 2550
I'm starting to look for other jobs in the meantime.

The plan for getting a job was to financially support my mom while working on a portfolio / learning a new skill in my free time, so I can get a better job.

But I can't do that with 10 hours of work a day, 6 days a week, frequent unpaid overtime, etc.. That chink is a real slave-driver. There seem to be plenty of similar positions at other typographies, I've been calling them during lunch break.

Also, here's a doodle I made while at work. As you can see, I still struggle with hands. For some reason, I feel so much more comfortable and loose with physical media, even a pen. Something about digital painting prevents me from focusing. I guess it's the constant zooming that changes the relative size of brush that throws me off, or something like that.
>>
No. 20587
>>20576
Usually the case is that we are worse than the wect, but still better than the eact.
An eternal struggle, as the nation has always looked westwards for guidance.
>>
No. 20589
>>20575
>good wage

depends where you work, working in the Niedriglohnsektor and commuting must feel like an violent assfuck at times.

And as you said, some ...some.. will pay. Afaik you get taxes of gas when you commute by car. So there are some things that try to balance the hassle of commuting, but many people that use public transport don't get that payed by their company. I know one of the biggest in my city does it for they employees or lets better say: some of them. At least ~10 years ago that was the case.
>>
No. 20590 Kontra
>>20587
>as the nation has always looked westwards for guidance.
Say the schoolbooks which job to prepare every new growing up generation to accept EU's phallus into their rectum without resistance.
>>
No. 20593
I overslept today, and was 20 minutes late.
Studied Hanzi during my free classes. The app is telling me that my performance has improved by 9%, to a whooping 71% from yesterday. I feel ashamed that it was this bad to begin with.

I finally got my hands on two of my writings. My book report was "excellent", while my critique of the play we saw way described as crude, flippant, violent, angry, unworthy of me and of course, incompatible with journalistic standards. Despite agreeing with my points. So it was a successful exercise in style. If major news outlets can write "funny" critiques, then so can I.

At the library I saw in the catalogue that the girl I talk with took out multiple books, mainly pertaining to graphology and Zen Buddhism (The fact that I can freely just flip through a paper catalogue because the librarian is a lazy cunt is a grave breaking of the rules, which I've told the administration about multiple times now, but oh well.). At first I thought it was for a class, so I talked with the only teacher who could give students topics like these, and indeed, she gave out topics for presentation, but neither was in any way related to Zen Buddhism or graphology. So I guess my "investigation" is sort of over, lest I actually ask her about it if I get the chance. Of course, I saw her read the book on Buddhism, so it would't be hey I stalked your paper trail for 2 days and I just wanted to ask you...

The belt on my bag broke just before I left school, so I carried it like a ghettoblaster on my shoulder. On the way home I spent 10 minutes petting a cat.

>>20590
>implying it's not true that since the late 900s our goal was to catch up to the west economically and technologically
This goes for most of Eastern Europe.
>>
No. 20594
13 kB, 236 × 348
>>20587
>but still better than the eact.
Feels very sad
>>
No. 20595
>>20593
>Of course, I saw her read the book on Buddhism, so it would't be hey I stalked your paper trail for 2 days and I just wanted to ask you.

Then go for it.

I think interest in Buddhism is teenage tire to some degree I still have my Reclam about Buddhism but I remember nothing specific. As long as these people keep it more or less to themselves and don't turn it into a neoliberal technique with orientalist coloration, it's ok. I despise everything else but then again I had to acknowledge I'm not a 100% pacifist; I'd favor becoming a stone over getting stoned and be a wectern hippy tho. I hope for a utopia but the hippy attitudeand its materialization can be quite shit if you go deeper into the consequences and life styles of these people. Respect to those who actually live in a monastery and keep on living there.
>>
No. 20596
366 kB, 750 × 750
>>20585
>There seem to be plenty of similar positions at other typographies, I've been calling them during lunch break.
That's the traditional way to do it. When you get an interview, make sure you dress really nice that day so your current co-workers will notice. Showing up for work wearing interview-clothes is the traditional way to tell them you're quitting.
>For some reason, I feel so much more comfortable and loose with physical media
Same here. I've spent so much time with pens and pencils that I don't think digital drawing will ever feel as easy and natural. And your at-work doodles are a lot better than mine ever were.
>>
No. 20598 Kontra
>>20593
I wasn't implying. It's not true.
>>
No. 20612
>>20595
>>20593
>(Zen) Buddhism
I wrote a longer post but unfortunately it got discarded.

Basically it can be a pretty dangerous ideology. If you really take it seriously you won't be able to live in modern society. There's some very deeply rooted nihilism in it.
>>
No. 20617
>>20612
In my late teens/ early twenties I was attracted to the yin/yang symbol thing and how it explained/represented so much but then I found out binaries and oppositions are also found throughout western philosophies and religions. So I often cringe because some people think only Asian religions are truly spiritual or whatever. Seen historically, they have been en vouge around 1900 as well, often accompanied by Orientalism.
>>
No. 20623
38 kB, 466 × 750
>>20612
>If you really take it seriously you won't be able to live in modern society
Are you implying that it is good to live in modern society?
>>
No. 20624
>>20617
I had a similar obsession at some point, not so much with the symbol but I was also thinking about how it is so profound that there is this concept of duality and somehow each contains something of the opposite and similar stuff.
>Seen historically, they have been en vouge around 1900 as well, often accompanied by Orientalism.
I think it really picked up in popularity in the West with the Beats adopting D.T. Suzuki's works on Buddhism, then through a synthesis with psychoanalytic thought we got the whole pipeline from watered down New Age crap to Corporate Mindfulness Workshops.

>>20623
I think it's better to live in it with an ideology that is compatible to it. Asians can keep doing their Buddhist stuff, it's better incorporated in their culture. But if your religiously adopt the Noble Truths and so on, you're really fucked in the West.
That's what happened to one of my best friends from high school (well that plus psychedelics and likely propensity to mental illness). As he delved into Buddhism and other ideologies he became disillusioned with modern society, so he gave up on trying to adapt to it and tried visiting some temples around here and hung around some weird gurus at hippie communes and whatnot. But of course that didn't work out too nicely. At some point he visited me heavily underweight, another time he wasn't far from suicide. Now he's somewhat stable but he's in his mid-20s NEETing at his parents house with no aspirations whatsoever, and it's sad because he used to be a pretty bright guy.

>pic related
jokes aside, the thing with Western Philosophy is that it is more self-reflexive and separate from religion and thus less dogmatic and leaves more room for pluralism
>>
No. 20628
I am back to regular writing. There is no structure in my life that would normally provide a human being with motivation to work on meaningful projects, but I find that negative motivation (you cannot do X until you have completed Y, as opposed to doing something for its own sake) is effective as long as the tasks are small. Hopefully this simply turns into habit after a while. Once I get a job I don't hate and a place of my own in a livable city, my zeal for life will hopefully return.

Speaking of which, I have a pending job offer to teach English at a university in Xi'an. I'm worried by elements in the teaching contract, especially the fact that they have the right to dismiss me at will, and then make ME pay THEM several thousand US dollars. I haven't rejected the contract outright only because I think this is relatively normal for jobs in China, and that I can't expect much better if I want to work there... But there is a real possibility that I sperg out in my first teaching sessions and fuck it all up, leading to my dismissal, and the thought that doing so could cost me thousands of dollars would only make it more likely.

In fact, I'd probably reject the job out of hand if this hadn't been set up through a personal connection that I don't want to sever. I'm at the point where I'm willing to go teach English in any random country in Asia as long as I don't have to sign a parasitic contract, regardless of pay, so saying no to China isn't necessarily condemning myself to more meaningless shambling in America.

...on the other hand, I'd really like to experience life in modern China, and I'd especially like to see Xi'an. The Song dynasty is objectively the best, but Xi'an and the surrounding Guanzhong region are really the cradle of the Chinese state, and it'd tickle my historical autism to live in the place that the Qin and the Han and the Tang ruled from. Plus, there are loads of museums and historical sites in the area.

>>20556
>I just never really cared about French literature.
I don't think it's productive to think in terms of national literatures. Even where national literary characteristics indisputably exist, it's better to look at each author's work independently. Dismissing (or putting far down on a mental to-do list) an author because of their nation of origin is a big mistake.

I've read Celine, Voltaire, and Camus at book length. Each seemed more a product of their particular literary movement or individual artistic genius than of their nation, and each satisfied a completely different literary craving, to the extent that they satisfied one at all. Voltaire and Camus in particular are shallow to a modern reader; Voltaire's Enlightened cynicism seems childish to someone raised on chans, and Camus, while a good high school read, just doesn't have much depth. The Stranger mystifies you with haughty existentialist musings, but it's ultimately just the ramblings of a murderer over-philosophizing about his impending death. The only thing that still remains with me from the book is how well Camus was able to gussy up nothing.

Celine is... not very good in the English translation I read, but I think that he would be quite enjoyable to read in French, or in the hands of a better translator. Heavy on the nihilism, but despite his well known reactionary politics, even Trotsky raved about what a good writer he was. To paraphrase, he captured the post-WW1 Western cultural moment with an unsparing critical eye.

Dickens I can't recommend; he's barely readable at best. Certainly not enjoyable. However, V.S. Naipaul - despite being from Trinidad - was a naturalized Brit, and was raised in and aimed to be a part of British literary culture. He's one of the great authors, without qualification, and definitely worth looking into.
>>
No. 20631
>>20628
I don't discriminate writers based on their nationality. If I'm interested in it, I'm going to read it. My interests evolve like a flowchart, and it just randomly happened that I haven't read many British, American or French authors.
Though I've read more French books than anglo ones.

>Voltaire's Enlightened cynicism seems childish to someone raised on chans
I felt that too while reading Candide and Philosophical Dictionary. That's why I say that today, he'd be running a popular twitter account probably.

>The only thing that still remains with me from the book is how well Camus was able to gussy up nothing.
Writing a lot about nothing in an intellectual manner is something stereotypically French I'm sad I'll never be a part of.
But I enjoyed reading The Stranger both times I went through it. It's a great book. But that's just a highschooler's opinion.
>>
No. 20634
Welp, my brother's going crazy.
I'd say he's maniacal. He is convinced that I will quit my job and start working for his investor in his dubious business. He seems irrational, and despite planning to open a computer store, he has no idea what he's doing, or how he will run it.

I think he's convinced that he will be rich in the next few months, because he convinced mom to take out a $1000 loan so he can buy some useless bullshit that he swears is important. He gets annoyed when I ask practical questions like "where will the storage room be", "who are we emplying", and "do you have a list of merchandise you're going to be selling yet". Instead he prefers to discuss superfluous shit, and seems to have no business plan or any idea how the whole thing will function. He sounds a lot like my father, whenever he gets one of his weird ideas. Picking apart the superficial details of something and completely missing the practical stuff. Such as basic accounting.

I have a bad feeling about this, shit won't end well.

Also, I called some new job ads, and my conclusion is that it's all the same shit everywhere. Sure, some people have 5/7, but they also have other problems. Unless something REALLY good comes up, I think I'll be staying right where I am and attempt to find time for self improvement.
>>
No. 20635
I "wasted" a day at home. My mood has improved a bit, then it promptly got worse when I met with my grandmother, and my mother came home.
Let's be real. Grandma is dying. It's incredibly soul crushing that we know it'll happen, we just don't know when. She herself isn't aware of her condition. (Plainly so that her mood doesn't become too bad and she won't do anything haphazard.)
So of course it turns me gloomy when I have a sick elderly woman hug me and say
>I don't want to go yet
Today she told me she is "getting better".
I guess this is why I felt that Tolstoy novella to be so touching. I'm also an actor in the farce of life. (Just like how I see her suffering in relation to my viewpoint, instead of objectively.) She also handed me a magazine on interesting scientific fact. Seems to be elementary school level stuff. One one hand, I feel annoyed, because I can't just discard it guilt free, on the other, it makes me want to cry for some reason.
My mother is just tired and goes too far with it. Stuff like calling me on the phone from two rooms away really gets on my nerves. (Especially when done twice in a row.)
Just get the fuck up, knock on my door and I'll answer you. Fucking people I swear.

Gave in my bag to the cobbler for a repair. It was done in three hours, so tomorrow I'll be able to go to school using my own bag.

Hanzi performance up ~4%. I'm still yet to add the remaining 10 cards.
I'll probably start a German deck too. Just so that I don't forget the language.

Speaking of German. I've been postponing doing a series of exercises for a week now. I'll do them tonight. It's a must. I already feel ashamed that I allowed myself to get away with not doing it.

So basically I did nothing today other than looking through some flashcards and repairing my bag. (Buying a bag of potatoes on the way home doesn't count.)
>>
No. 20638
This time I'm going to rant about nature of dating web-sites, not just about my problems.

I figured out that I'm legitimately ugly or an average looking guy at best, because even with my best clothes on, close up of my face and some photo effects I can't get any matches on datings sites. Until that day, I thought that all my failures in the web were due to skin problems.

Isn't it ironic that a lot of males use dating web-sites while thinking that it would be easier than real life, but in practice those apps only exaggerate existing problems in society by putting all of the value into your looks and entirely discarding your personality? If you're good looking, then it's indeed easier than real life. If you're not a looker, then huge competition between males (the number of men and women on those sites is uneven) and appearance priority will obliterate you. It seems to me these sites only make life easier for all women there and best of the best males, and make it harder for the remaining men fighting for the crumbs...
I feel uncomfortable because of the spread of Instagram, social networks and the Internet in general, I think because of this, the requirements for partners have increased significantly. 80% of the population watches the best 20% beauties and it becomes much harder for them to agree to live with someone worse.
If we lived in a post-scarcity gay luxury communism society, would it be ethical for the government to provide free plastic surgery to ugly people, and shouldn't humanity in the end completely abandon materialism and any standards of beauty? Will we be forever chasing new emerging trends?
>>
No. 20639
>>20635
Since you care about your grandmother and she notices her incoming death: be there for her, old her hand and let her talk if she wants to.

My grandma did not have much to say when she and us were aware of her dying within the next days, but you know I could somehow understand my grandma, all words in the face of your end weigh nothing or are of no relevancy. Just sighs.
Visited her in the evening and kissed her forehead goodbye and the next morning she was dead, my last and favorite grandma, 92yo.
>>
No. 20644
I have food poisoning and almost shit myself on the bus.
Had to run out of the bus and look for a toilet in the middle of the city before opening times. Fortunately, a store happened to be open early.

Spent like 30 minutes on the shitter, to the annoyance of the hosts. Belly feels like I ate lava for lunch
>>
No. 20646
>>20635
>>20631
>But I enjoyed reading The Stranger both times I went through it. It's a great book. But that's just a highschooler's opinion.
I don't want to be condescending with the high school thing, but personally that's when I read it first and enjoyed it. If I read it again I think I might still enjoy it, but it's neither can't-put-it-down interesting like a good genre thriller, or really-makes-you-think like a truly great literary book. That's why I don't think too highly of it or Camus, if this is the best he has on offer.

>Writing a lot about nothing in an intellectual manner is something stereotypically French I'm sad I'll never be a part of.
This really only applies to certain 20th century French movements. Otherwise, it's the literary world's equivalent of a dumb countryball meme. All the 19th century French literature I'm familiar with is much more grounded.

>So of course it turns me gloomy when I have a sick elderly woman hug me and say
>I don't want to go yet
The grandmother that I was close with for my entire life died suddenly while I was hospitalized in a foreign country. When I heard that she had gone to the hospital herself (which was becoming more and more common, but she always made it back home), I avoided calling because I didn't want her to get worried about my own situation.
Then within two years I lost one of my grandfathers, my other grandmother, my godmother, and many other relatives of that generation. My grandfather and a great aunt that barely know are the only ones left.
There's really nothing to say about it. This thing just keeps happening, first with your grandparents, and then your parents, and then people around your same age. All you can do is spend as much time with them as you can, and manage the despair in the least destructive way possible until it passes. That's one of the most important skills in life.
>>
No. 20648
I am pooping fresh blood.
That's interesting
>>
No. 20649
7 kB, 233 × 217
>>20648
That's a pretty EC-tier epitaph
>>
No. 20656
Mom called the ambulance because the pain won't go away and I keep pooping blood.

I am a real artist now, I have debilitating stomach pains. Give me the morphine.
>>
No. 20658
>>20656
Take care and get better soon. (Of course these are "stock lines", but I do mean it.)
>>
No. 20659
>>20656
I hope you get better and this isn't something serious.
>>
No. 20662
Today was pretty fucking rad. Slept well. And I even managed to read 15 pages of Thomas Bernhard's Kalkwerk before bed. It seems to be a great novel.

The key seems to be water. I drank three litres of water yesterday.

We had a field trip to the National Museum today. There was an exhibition about one of the more controversial general of the 1848-19 war for independence.
It was an okay exhibition. There were a lot of interesting pieces on show.
(Never thought muskets were that big. I think it'd knock me out if I were to fire one.)

After that the teacher showed me around the local antiquaries. We went into some kind of outlet shop with a bunch of books for cheap. Didn't have much cash on me, so he lent me 3 euros. (He suggested it, I'd never ask anyone to give me "credit" like that.)
So in the end, I got a nice edition of Hamsun's Hunger.
In the mean time we talked a lot about literature and the arts.

On the way home I ate two cheeseburgers with the leftover banknotes I had on me. I've been meaning to eat one for weeks now, I just never had the chance.
I also saw a used copy of The Tale of Genji. So I ran into the shop, and asked for it to be taken out from the window. The clerk looked at me like as if I was a servant of hell, who was only there to ruin her rest. So she grudgingly took it out, and said that it's 18000HUF, or 56 Euros. Crazy price. Of course I didn't want to buy it, so I told her not to take out volumes II and III. I just wanted to check the translation. And as it turns out, the "new" edition is based on the Edward Seidensticker translation. I already own an English edition, but I just wanted to know this as a frame of reference. Because I care about things like this for some reason. Now I just need to know what the 1960s edition was based on.

Apparently one of my other relatives is sick too. But he doesn't want to go to the hospital for treatment. Can't really give a toss. You are ~50, you have the right and freedom to die from a perfectly treatable disease in your underground hole.

Another thing that I've realised is that I make a lot of "errors". I'd like to say that these are usually just typos, and not hunglish. I'm perfectly aware how English grammar works, it's just that sometimes I forget to press a few buttons while typing.
>>
No. 20665
>>20658
>>20659
Thanks for the concerns, fortunately it's just a colon infection.
Apparently, my colon spasms were so intense that I got micro-tears all over the place, which caused bleeding. And since I didn't eat much in the past day, all that came out was blood. The spasms very pretty painful, though, I'd rate worse than migraine, but better than maniacal psychosis. Felt like I had a billiard ball sized kidney stone right in my colon :-DDDD

They put a lot of stuff up my bum, and also my stomach to eliminate all other causes, and only gave me a painkiller shot in the evening, when the infection diagnosis was confirmed. Fuggers :-DDD. I think I'll take tomorrow off as well, don't want to shit myself at work.

The upside of all of this is that I got $300 worth of medical screening for free, confirmed that I don't have ass cancer or any prostate problems, that anal sex is pretty degenerate all things considered (Having a well lubricated rod up your ass was not a pleasant experience), and basically no serious problems to my health other than unhealthy BMI.

Also, I'll finally get a good night's sleep and some rest, wash my clothes, take a proper, long shower/bath, etc.
>>
No. 20666
Also, I have to admit that our hospitals are in pretty good shape, well staffed, and work decently fast.

Some of that corrupt oil money's going towards good things at least.
>>
No. 20668
>>20666
There must be different "tiers" of hospitals there too.
Both times I was hospitalized, I got excellent care at a modern facility, while as far as I can tell, old people go to Omskian hospitals only to die.
This is because we are an investment for the state and thus, young people are valuable.
>>
No. 20669
>>20668
In my case, I think it had more to do with them taking me to a hospital in the good part of the city, since the place had the exact kind of ass doctor I needed.

I imagine hospitals outside of the three well off districts aren't all that great. And outside of the major cities it's probably even worse.
>>
No. 20671
>>20666
Good news.
Worse things have happened in France.
>>
No. 20672
94 kB, 469 × 595
I went to the city to get a new haircut, a fresh white shirt and to check out an antiquary I wanted to visit for quite a time.
Also I was eating at the uni cafeteria (one of the few reasons I didn't officially exmatriculate yet). As usually I found myself a nice place without too many people sitting around but a girl then sat down not far away from me. She then started to try opening her coke bottle with a knife but failed miserably so I threw my key ring over to her which has a bottle opener attached to it. She laughed and thanked me, then I got the burgers and during the rest of my meal-time I only looked in front of myself and maniacally tried not to look at her. A more functional version of myself would have liked to talk to people in such spontaneous situations but some things just aren't meant to be.

I spend about one and a half hour in the antiquary, only going through the books. It was very nice but I didn't get myself anything. Retrospectively I should have, there were two books I found interesting. One was Der Kampf ums Matterhorn by Carl Haensel (I already had read a surprisingly well-written novella about mountain-climbing by him) and Die Leute aus dem Walde by Wilhelm Raabe, a 19th century novel about a young man immigrating to the USA and struggling over there. Tve first few lines already were hilarious but I remembered that I already planned to buy collected works by Raabe so buying a single novel seemed unnecessary to me (not to mention that I feel bad buying books I don't even wanted in the first place while I still have a massive pile to read). Also I asked for books from an obscure and forgotten german author of the 30s and 40s even though I knew that they probably wouldn't have his works around. Oh and I saw a copy of Hans Henny Jahnns Das Holzschiff but it costed 75EUR so I quickly put it back into the shelf. I then proceeded to imagine asking the merchant if I could pay it in installments of like 10EUR a month over the course seven and a half months. I decided not to ask this question and just hope I'll earn enough money one day to get it.

By the way hs crush and me still keep contact, call each other every week, daily tell each others about our days etc. Lately she has started sending me good night texts with the kissing emoji attached to it. She always brightens up my day. However we'll see each other for the first time since months on saturday, but as it's a rather formal event we won't have too much time for the two of us. So you can imagine I am kind of nervous and excited, but mostly I am just glad to finally see her.

This evening I'll continue working on my novella. In the last couple days friends advised to me that it'll be hard to get a novella of roughly 50-70 pages published in this day and age (if I get accepted at all, but I'm not too negative about this) as most publishers want long novels. If I expanded this to novel-length it would probably take me years so fuck them. Still I'll try revisiting every page and checking if I couldn't add some extra material to it or describe a situation in a more slowly and immersive way.
>>
No. 20683
I just got fired.

That chink is a sneaky bastard.
He's like "sure, sure, rest for now". "oh, and we have something to talk about on monday".
That fired off alarms of all kinds in my head.

Sure enough, some third rate manager calls me and says that I should come tomorrow, and that boss told him to tell me. He keeps calling me again and again, until another manager calls and tells me I should bring back the company SIM card ASAP. And I'm like, "oh, I'm getting fired aren't I", and she's like "yeah".

Well, I still have cramps and need to go to the toilet every 20 minutes, so I guess they'll have to wait. Something tells me they want to fuck me over and not pay me. We'll see.
>>
No. 20687
>>20683
Well that ended quick.
>>
No. 20689
>>20683
Well, now you can work for your brother again. And it all turned out well.

Say, what ever happened to that cute girl at your workplace?
>>
No. 20690
>>20683
This is what happens when you ignore the wisdom of Tengri
>>
No. 20691
>>20687
O well, it's not like they're the only ad agency in town.

Right now my problem is to get my pay off the chink bastard.
>>
No. 20692
>>20689
We kind of became "friends", in that we'd talk a lot after work on various stuff.
But I became romantically disinterested when she mentioned her bf or something along those lines. IT's an instant switch-off for me, a girl mentions her bf, and I can treat her like a regular human and feel at ease, it's honestly a relief.

Also, I don't want to work for my brother, he's clearly losing his grip. I'll just find another job.

>>20690
"Never work for a chink". Uncle used to tell me that, I should have listened.
>>
No. 20755
This week it was the end of the financial year so all sorts of workplace performance reviews have gone on in Britain.

The problem is I have to plan my developmental objectives for next year plan which includes identifying strengths and weaknesses. Obviously I'm cool af so this is difficult for me and I tried to do the 360 feedback thing where you ask people you interact with at work to give some feedback on strengths and weaknesses. I specifically asked in an email for people to only send feedback to my boss and that I am looking for things I can improve upon. That way I can get honest answers while avoiding sycophantic games. Of course, people can't read so I got bombarded with very complimentary love-letters of no use.

And the further problem is I need to set out personal development goals which is stuff like my long-term career plans. I told my boss in a blunter fashion than I should have that it's none of his fucking business but he was having none of it. Also, to get a gold star I must do corporate volunteering. Corporate volunteering can't be actual work like providing cover or working my arse off on projects no-no-no, it has to be something like diversity club nonsense which I refuse to do.

One more thing, a higher level boss has been irritating the shit out of me because she wants to be frens. So I will have my headphones on concentrating at work and she will suddenly put her hand on my shoulder to ask if I'm interested in joining a Whatsapp group. I despise this woman.

>>20638
I'm an ugly bastard who can't take pictures and I still manage it. What are you using and is there something seriously wrong like unemployment or you having a batshit profile?

On the west Bumble seems to be popular and it saves the hassle of writing first messages. Either that or just accept that internet dating is all men playing a numbers game and meet women the normal way.

>>20692
By the sounds of things you should get a job at a hospital. At least they use lube when they fuck you :DDD
>>
No. 20779
>>20755
Ebin :-DDDD

I guess the reason I stayed NEET for so long is because I pretty much knew that a third worlder from a poor degenerate family with no connections is going to face exactly this kind of BS when trying to get a job and make a living. And the truth that I didn't want to face is that you can't sidestep it by being better than everyone else, because nobody cares. Just have to suck it up and keep on trucking until you find something decently stable to sustain yourself with.
>>
No. 20791
62 kB, 604 × 451
105 kB, 810 × 540
Snow finnaly start melting. I so hope that it will fully melt in April and May already be spring. Not that I want return of hot summer, hell no, but I already tired of winter and snow around.
Also, there soon April, it's means Easter is not long from now, looking forward for painting eggs and kulichi
>>
No. 20794
It's already 23 degrees here and we didn't have more than 3-4 days of snow here for the entire winter. I'm already afraid of the summer this year. Last 3 years I had several weeks where I was unable to do anything besides sit around and endure the 40+ degrees. Maybe I should move to the woods, live between trees where it's roughly 10 degrees cooler. Maybe start a cult, living in the black forest in clay, wood and straw huts like our germanic/celtic forefathers.
>>
No. 20796
>>20794
airbnb a basement :DDD a room to the east or north and on the lower floors will also be way cooler than the other directions

Summer feelings again but I'm sad of various reasons. I'm moving out of my little flat. right now I sit at the window and have snack watching whats going on outside. I loved the liveliness when I watched out of my window and it will be gone now.

My history paper about Louis XIV. has already been examined and will be a 1.3.
>>
No. 20800
Today was pretty good.
I've been drinking +3 litres of water for a few days now, and it feels awesome. Don't even need caffeine any more.

Finished reading that short Chinese novel (The remaining 70 or so pages), I'll write about that in the literature thread later. The next book I'm going to read will be Thomas Bernhard's Der Kalkwerk. Already read 16 or so pages, but the bookmark fell out when I was moving the book, and I have to start over. It seems to be extremely good.
I also want to look into the works of Gerald Murnane. So of course I already planned what to read in the next month.

Woke up early, and spent most of the day fumbling about in the garden and reading, then checking some imageboards.

It's really nice outside, though it was a tad bit cold in the morning, but in the afternoon, it turned quite pleasant. The cherry tree is finally shedding its blossoms. It's really pretty to see the petals fly in the wind. (Didn't even know we had a cherry tree in the garden.)
I'm glad I found that nice spot in the shade of the trees. Really tranquil.

>>20794
Can't wait for the warm weather, honestly, even if it's hell on Earth tier. I just want to sit outside from dusk 'till dawn, reading, sipping on lemonade or tea.
>>
No. 20803
>>20791
Our snow has already melted here as of a week ago. I guess this is what normal winter should feel like? We got a brutal heat wave out of nowhere I think a couple weeks ago that killed the snow. Now there is maybe little patches of it left here and there. Of course now this just means it is perpetual mud season but I am getting sick of being constantly cold inside.
>>
No. 20812
I have discovered a way to make weed bearable, if not vaguely pleasant even. Unfortunately this only works mixed with anxiety pills which seems to change the nature of the experience. Without it even a small amount is unbearable and makes the world and myself look like horrible shit.
>>
No. 20819
>>20812
so you take some diazepam/xanax or something similar to kill off the negative effects that weed can have on your psyche? Just stop smoking weed if it is only bad for you, that is the most bearable way to deal with it.
>>
No. 20820
I love tramadol,
>>
No. 20831
Today was pretty good. The clocks were set forward an hour, so I woke up at 10 instead of 9.
Read a 25 pages long essay on Tolstoy's Ivan Ilich. It wasn't earthshaking, but it was a nice little recap. I underlined the most important bits.

My mother was being postmodern again, asking
>Don't you want to go to the store, we need some carrots.
Just tell me to fuck off to the store, don't coerce me into it.
No, I don't want to go to the store. Yes, I'll go to the store if you ask me, but don't make the fucking thing about my consent.

My hanzi ratings are getting better. Up to 86% now. I should add new cards one I'm above 90%.

I still have a bunch of shit to do, but I turned off the fucking PC and I wasted 3 hours. Mainly by posting and browsing and watching some anime.
Gonna turn off the computer now and study.
>>
No. 20834
>>20819
I usually don't and hadn't in years. It was just a discovery I made on a new prescription.
>>
No. 20849
558 kB, 915 × 547
I accidentally asked my girlfriend out by singing my rendition of Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend at karaoke which she took the wrong way. I guess that's fine but I couldn't smoke all night so any plan of escape has really not worked out. In my defence I was off my face and it would now be a dick move to leave her.

It's also mothers day in Britain so my mother took the liberty to ring me at 7 in the morning to talk about life and stuff. This was pretty painful after a heavy night and I did not appreciate the probing into my life. My parents have now invited themselves to visit in the summer which is just more bullshit I have to deal with. I've not told them that I'm seeing a doctor because I'll never hear the end of it.

>>20796
>airbnb a basement :DDD

Austrian posting from the German border?
>>
No. 20852
32 kB, 236 × 367
So as I told you the hs crush and I met at the formal party we were visiting and almost naturally we were dining pretty much with the two of us, went to the buffet together, it was quite nice really. She even introduced me to her father, I drank some shots with him and we made some photos with the three of us. Problem was that a deep melancholy hit me out of nothing on that day and I were feeling sort of sinister, so I wasn't in the right mood for a party but continued drinking nonetheless. As I was getting more drunk I pushed her a bit too much, this evening she texted me: "Inbetween you've been attaching yourself a bit too much to me, which was a bit exaggerated." Which is undoubtedly true but I felt the impulse to be with her all the time. Guess a big event with so many common friends and acquintances wasn't the best way to test it out (she suggested a bike trip before) but it was unavoidable. I am kind of confused about all of this really. You know I carry this fear in my mind and heart that everything is just happening in my head sometimes but then again it feels so right between us and we just fit each other on a personal level and even though the night had its troubles we spent a huge time just smiling to and looking at each other when we did not talk or laugh. It surely is troublesome that we both have never had a relationship, so to say devoting oneself to another person so intensely is a pretty new thing. Now I'm a bit concerned because we were saying on friday that next time we'd get the train together (we live in different cities but share one part of the way) but now with last nights happenings I don't want to look too clingy you know.
>>
No. 20866
>>
No. 20873
test to see if im banned or if the ecmods just deleted my post
>>
No. 20882
>>20849
Not up to date. you shag and live with her now?
My parents would be delightful if I'd have a doctor as gf. Suspecting a stable persona, but I guess in most cases the keks would be on them.

>near Austrian border

I fancy Vienna a bit but live closer to the dutch border.
>>
No. 20884
They underpaid me by roughly 50%.
Oh well, nothing left to do but my civic duty and report them to the authorities. Knowing the reputation of our punitive organs, I hope their whole business gets racketeered and the chink sent back.

Meanwhile, I'll just look for freelance jobs. Judging by ads from other freelance designers, I could easily be making more than what I'd get paid by a company, even with a small clientele.

It was a pretty good experience, though, I learned to talk to people and get up in the mornings.
>>
No. 20887
Was taking my dog to the vet today, they sent me to the ultrasound examination of the belly and
did some blood analysis. Turns out he has urea ratio much too high (twice the normal amount), and he has to live on a strict diet for the rest of his life...
>>
No. 20889 Kontra
>>20884
I have a small start-up for app development and am currently looking for a freelance designer, you should have some skills or be willing to learn UX/UI design, though.

If interested, write to sersguenda at hotmail com. We pay decently.
>>
No. 20890
773 kB, 1475 × 1168
I finally took my baiku outside the city. I embarrassed myself trying to climb up the slight incline in front of the bike in this pic on my street-biased tyres and I tweaked my back picking it up after dropping it trying to do a narrow u-turn in a gravel car park (I tried to lift it the 'correct way' but the car park was also on a slight incline). Other than that it was a bretty good ride and it was nice to get nodded at by every biker I came across (no one does that shit in the city).
>>
No. 20891
>>20890
Nice bike.

They're cleaning away gravel on the streets all around town, spring is here. Today is the start of my no-spend-challenge month, after the March attempt failed miserably. I can't buy but necessities like food, medicine and possibly things to replace something broken.
>>
No. 20892
>>20891
th-thanks

Feels almost like summer here. I was sweating like a pig.

I need to engage in a bit of no-spending as well. Ordering and expecting packages gets to be addictive, and the small items add up. On a long-term scale minimalism seems to me like the best solution to avoid dat wage slave sheep of babylon life. If you minimise expenses you can ideally live decently just from working part time.
>>
No. 20894
Today was pretty mediocre.

Now over 90% with my hanzis, so I added 25 more to my deck.

Started reading Der Kalkwerk. It's a real pleasure to experience it. I don't know why, but I love the way the prose flows.

Got The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie as a "gift" from my history teacher
>Oy, you want a book?
I took it because it looked interesting.

Finished watching Watamote. It was an OK anime, nothing outstanding. I think I might be too much of a normalfag to completely enjoy the adventures of an autistic high school girl who can't hold a conversation at all. It had it's moments, but it got really cringe worthy sometimes.

Got into an argument today with the librarian, because I disagreed with the efficiency of her cataloguing methods. (In a post before, I mentioned that the borrowed titles are just written up into two notebooks at random on random pages.)
>This is unmanageable and incredibly bloody inefficient, not to mention it's against the rules
>No it's not, it's official. And always say "In my opinion...", because it's just your opinion
>Quit nagging me Ernst, it's my responsibility
So I threw the pen on the desk and walked away saying "OK, you said it, you have it."
This woman is an idiot. And a lazy one at that.
God damn, it, I wish I could just randomly smack people sometimes.
Spent the rest of the classes in somewhat angry and panicked state.

Gonna log off, because I have to study for tomorrow's biochemistry test. It's the gayest fucking subject on Earth. Chemistry is the only thing I found both incredibly boring and incredibly irritating out of the HS subject repertoire.
It feels like my brain goes completely numb when I have to sit through those 45 minutes.
>>
No. 20903
All those years of NEETing and wasting time sting a lot more now that I know the value of free time.

I am embarrassed by my lack of virtue. I need to stop being a lazy piece of shit and trade inspiration for mastery, and do it in my own time. God knows, there is no demand in this country for the type of work that would exercise one's skills beyond mediocrity.
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No. 20904
61 kB, 482 × 549
The only reason I hate chemistry is because I’m too much of a brainlet to understand it well enough. Though people say that at this level it’s just an abstraction of an abstraction and it’s no wonder it makes no god damn sense, since we are studying something abridged beyond reasonable understanding.
There is always a fucking rule, law or something that makes the thing turn upside down.
Maths is simple and pretty, everything makes sense. Physics? Yes, we are calculating on the level of “Spherical cows in vacuum”, but at least we don’t pretend it has any connection to reality.
I feel disgust and contempt for chemistry, despite it saving my life twice.
If I had to pray to a deified science, I’d bow before Chemistry. For it works in mysterious ways, but in the end it always saves us.
>>
No. 20919
Fuck, I just had a dream where they sawed me in half and it was incredibly painful.
>>
No. 20921
>>20919
You got pretty easy, I was cut in four.
>>
No. 20930
9,3 MB, 480 × 270, 1:59
If you think education is expensive, just try ignorance.
>>
No. 20931
>>20930
Autistic people ARE stupid, though.
It's literally a form of mental retardation. I mean, it's not ok to call people with deformed faces ugly in person, but it's true man.
>>
No. 20933
>>20931
Your argument is that autistic people have an intellectual disability similar to "retards"?
>>
No. 20934
>>20933
Not in magnitude, but in category.
Same applies to sociopaths, schizos, etc: certain functions of the mind are absent or malfunction, preventing the mind from experiencing the full extent of reality, lacking the mental capacity to understand and operate within certain realms of intellectual being.
I'd define autism as inability to laterally traverse mental scope (failure to "zoom out" and perceive the whole, rather than details).
Sociopathy as inability to encapsulate and other (verb) mental experiences (failure to create a model of the self and others within one's own mind)
And schizo as inability to distinguish patterns from noise (falling into a positive feedback loop).

t. mental illness pro.

Then again, I don't consider intelligence or ability as virtues on their own, so I don't pass judgement on stupidity.
>>
No. 20935
I caused a shit-storm at work by stepping into a new managers territory. I've worked closely and get along with another team so together we inadvertently got to talking about how we could fix lines of communication and improve upon how we all work together because I'm keen on keeping this successful relationship going.

Unfortunately, this is really the area of the manager in another team and she's very territorial which has apparently led to some angry conversations today when she found out. I was working from home today :^) but she's given shit to the girl I was talking with along with my boss. She probably already had me in her sights because I'm borrowing one of her team members at the end of the month and accidentally ended up being their boss for the week - she already knew she was going to be borrowed of course but not that I'd be looking after her. Apparently that distinction matters.

But yeah, although I've been told by more than one person today that I did nothing wrong I've had to extricate myself so she can have her train-set. The fact that she didn't call me or simply takeover the project when I invited her to a meeting is irritating and shows how much of a pain in my arse she's going to be. Fuck her though, she's already been upsetting one of the Personal Assistants by trying to order her about and do things without authorisation which blew up in her face.

>>20882
No, we're just officially exclusive I guess.

>My parents would be delightful if I'd have a doctor as gf.

Yeah, but then if you ever stopped they would constantly bring her up. "So what happened to that doctor?" they will ask whenever you're driving somewhere, at Christmas dinner, at your own wedding etc.

>>20894
>Finished watching Watamote. It was an OK anime, nothing outstanding. I think I might be too much of a normalfag to completely enjoy the adventures of an autistic high school girl who can't hold a conversation at all. It had it's moments, but it got really cringe worthy sometimes.

I had the same experience. I liked the outro but beyond that it's the kind of comedy I don't really get.

>>20904
How are you at baking?
>>
No. 20936
I think I made the librarian butthurt yesterday. She threatened to kick me out of the premises. I don't particularly give a shit about this cunt's opinions. Terrible person. Lazy and pessimistic. I don't need pessimism in my life.

Currently translating a poem for a school event. It's incredibly shitty. Typical "topical" shit by some female poem. So of course it's about fucking and hooking up on social media.
But it's my time to shine, so I'll do it.

The girl I talk with sometimes asked for my e-mail address. She wants to send me her translation of a poem by this author. I said I'd gladly take a look at it. And I also mentioned that if she wants anything else looked at, I'd be glad to do that too. She smiled. I think it was genuine.

On the way home I bought two issues of Sovyetskaya Literatura. Who knew that they published this in Hungarian too? Anyway, got these two issues because it had Ribakov's Children of the Arbat in them. (All of it. Two, 240 page long issues dedicated to a single novel.)
Pretty funny to look at the journal itself. The text
>Journal of the Hungarian People's Republic's Ministry of Culture and the Soviet Writer's Association
made me chuckle. Man, those must have been interesting times.

My life is fucking boring.
>>
No. 20937
>>20936
>My life is fucking boring.

It's not only yours.

Uni started again and so far the classes are good and promising. I'm more confident in writing papers, now that the big one turned out so well.
Need to write a shorter one until June and write a motivational letter for a scholarship this month.
>>
No. 20940
>>20935
You mean like baking cakes and biscuits?
I don't know, honestly. All I ever used is pre-made dough, and that doesn't count as baking proper.
>>
No. 20942
>>20940
I find it helpful to visualise chemistry as baking. It's not a novel idea but having grown up with my mother always baking cakes it helps.
>>
No. 20944
The contract worker company wanted to send me over to another town early in the morning for a shift of only 4 hours so I told them that I got lots of work on my hands and can't be bothered with leaving the house for 40EUR. The employee called me back later and now I get to work 5 hours instead, plus getting paid a bonus hour for free. Feels pretty fucking good.

>>20866
>She'll want you much for not hanging on
I hate playing that game. I want to be loved for who I am and not for some kind of mental tricks I play. I sense that there is an inner truth to this though but I can't yet find a humane way to deal with it. Like should I just ignore her for a couple days or what? Generally, how to not hang on without being rude? I still have to master this.
>>
No. 20945
I just realized that I am alone. Totally completely and utterly alone. It is an odd cognition.
>>
No. 20946
>>20945
Everyone is. Don't let it bother you.
>>
No. 20947
>>20946
No I mean, I actually used to have multiple friendship networks and I totally ditched or dissolved them all over time. And then I began to let KC take over me, as if it were another friendship network that was completely fake, and I'm realizing how utterly psychologically destructive all this technology is. But oh well. It's not a sad feeling. Just like a vaguely distressing sense of things ain't right but they should be.
>>
No. 20948
51 kB, 600 × 683
>Have to talk about whatever I want for just three minutes in front of the class
All I can think of is assburger tier stuff
I don’t want to talk about the industrial output of the ottoman empire during world war one.
I really don’t.
>>
No. 20950
>>20948
Talk about fungal infections that girls get if they wear tampons for too long.
Show exemplary pictures.
Enjoy the silence in class after your talk.
>>
No. 20954
>>20934
Those are all interesting conceptualizations of alleged illnesses. Who sets the definitions and categories?
>>
No. 20955
>>20954
me
t. talker out of the ass

Alhough, I do think there should be a method of classifying and describing mental illness as concepts in themselves, rather than a set of behavioral patterns. Knowing the symptoms of depression doesn't help one understand at all what depression IS, in itself.
>>
No. 20956
the thing that concerns me the most about this memetic information based meta-reality we live in, is that nothing is truly "real" unless it becomes codified in historical narrative or public consciousness.

I am tempted by the idea of living in obscurity and isolation, free to assign any level of significance or meaning to the events of my private life, without the context of the world-wide narrative. Every life event is world defining, when the world is defined solely by your own life.
But at the same time, the prospect of being rendered practically non-existent in the eyes of history and the world, to destroy your symbolic self by erasing your own presence in the matrix, to disappear as if not having existed at all, is also frightening.
>>
No. 20957
1,9 MB, 2592 × 1936
2,4 MB, 2592 × 1936
Yesterday these cattle were all gathered right up next to the fence. There are about 20 of them, including a few calves(still nursing) and two bulls. I didn't have my phone with me at the time, so I couldn't take any pictures. Today I came prepared, but they weren't being as cooperative. C'est la vie. At least I got a few good shots of this cow in front of the sunrise.
>>
No. 20966
18 kB, 388 × 321
I don't sleep enough, and it shows. My mood is bad again. This time it's more about anger than sadness.

They said my translation was good. Except for two lines where they said I made a grammatical error.
I don't know. It seemed fine to me, so we decided to ask an English teacher. Don't know the results. Let's hope I don't lose face.
>It's not really rhythmical, is that a problem?
>It has no rhythm in Hungarian either, so it's okay
>Yeah, I know. Terrible.
>No, it's not terrible, it's free verse, and don't bring this up when we greet the poetess
Take a look at it, if you will. I think the poem itself is trash, and no translation can redeem "hip and cool" content like this. This is exactly the type of posturing "art" I despise from the bottom of my heart. Childish? Yes. Elitist? Yes. Do I care? No.

The principal and the vice principal came in and inspected the facultative literature classes. At least one of the two they did. So for 45 minutes everybody had a stick up their ass. It ruined that familiar atmosphere we usually have.

Just got a notification that my maths test was D. I didn't prepare at all. Caught me totally off guard.

Honestly, if it wasn't for the jackass thot-poet, I wouldn't go in tomorrow. But only because I think the vice principal would figuratively behead me, since I'm one of the few people that made a translation for the event. (Though I did so for an egoistic reason. It's to advance my "career".)

I should go to bed early tonight, otherwise, I might collapse at this rate.
>>
No. 20969
>>20966
>pic
Oh D-g, a poem about social media. IMO, the idea of a poem about social media is so bad in and of itself, that no matter how great of a poet you are, you still won't be able to make at least something tolerable out of it. The only thing that comes to my mind which could be worse is that poetry about physics that my professor in uni read for us. It was written by some of her former students and was supposed to be "humorous" or somesuch, but it was so awful that, despite that I usually don't care about poetry at all, I still couldn't bear listening to it without cringing.
>>
No. 20970
Taxi leaves in 1 hr I don't have a bag packed, passport or money.
Not wearing trousers either.

Am I ultimate procrastinator.

Once I got drunk and just packed the washing into my suitcase, hence taking bed sheets and towels to HK lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tul76y8cNoQ&list=RDTul76y8cNoQ&start_radio=1

Taiwan btw, much nicer place to visit than actual China.
>>
No. 20973
>>20966
>don't bring this up when we greet the poetess
It sounds like they don't trust your discretion.
>Take a look at it, if you will.
Your translation looks fine to me. The first four couplets are in full rhyme, but the last two are half-rhyme. Did they consider that an error?

>>20970
>Am I ultimate procrastinator.
You're leaving in an hour and haven't lifted a finger. I'd say you win this round.
Have a nice trip.
>>
No. 20975
>>20944
>I want to be loved for who I am

Are you a clingy weirdo? I hope not. The song is more about remembering to act like a normal human being rather than getting infatuated and mugging yourself. Keep yourself busy with other things in your life, don't ignore her but don't always initiate conversations, if you're at a party then obviously go talk to other people (hardcore mode: talk to women and rattle her cage a bit).

Just be cool.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSJMISy5UgY

>>20948
Talk about some somewhat less-well-known landmark in the area? Instant audience connection and you can be assburger.

Failing that I did a talk on a 'famous woman of history' in university (just to win some good boy points with the lecturer) - Fanny Kaplan is fun. She was nearly blind but I did a whole routine about rather than letting her disability get her down she went out and shot Lenin. Pretty metal.

>>20966
>With antivirus on, writing a pdf, or in word,

You have every right to be mad.
>>
No. 20976
>>20973
The “problem” was with the line
>If my few lines won’t get lost [...]
They said I can’t use “will” in an “if” sentence.
Which is an actual rule (I wasn’t conscious of, but with the negation (will=>won’t) it seems correct to me.)(I wasn’t conscious of it, but I knew it’d sound unnatural, even to me)
Of course it’s entirely possible I was a jackass and fucked it up, but still, it feels insulting to be told this by someone who isn’t at least an English teacher or a native speaker.
My ego is fragile I guess.
>>
No. 20986
>>20976
>it seems correct to me.
It seemed correct to me as well, but using won't does imply the "few lines" refuse to "get lost" an ironic error for this lingering poem you wish would go away, while substituting don't removes this modality.
I failed to notice that distinction, and now it's my turn to lose face.
>>
No. 20987
Well, I guess today was fine. The event with the poet went smoothly. Her poems are not good, but at least she confessed that these are only made for her own amusement, and the collection was self published. So in the end, it's irrelevant.
It's just her method of dealing with breakups and sad emotions. No artistic intention.
The vice principal seemed to enjoy the event the most.
The poet was grateful that we made the translations.
She even handed out a few free copies of her book. Got one. It's small, so it's not really a problem to have it at home.
Everything went better than expected.

I got another book for free today. It's a small little study on four Austrian post-war novels. I was given this by my history teacher, because it contains an apparently good study on Bernhard's works.
I also got the chance to take a peak at an "interview" book about Thomas Bernhard. Man, that was a funny series of articles. What a strange man.

Reworked two chapters of my translation. Around chapter 12 the quality of the translation suddenly shoots up and becomes almost good. I barely have anything to do now. Felt good to work on it.

I should be studying for a physics test I'll have tomorrow, but I think I'll just skip school. I'll study nonetheless, and I'll decide which option is better.
>>
No. 20989
Once again Hungary could be the first in the technological race if it weren't for Hungarians just joking

The question was, why there hadn't been a 3" floppy disk to be like a 8" floopy (5.25" were made so).
And I found such an answer:

>Because the Hungarian state system at the time were unable to capitalize on the BRG MCD-1. That's it.

>Marcell Jánosi patented the 3" "micro casette disk" in 1974, if the Hungarian bureaucracy wouldn't been in the way, there wouldn't have been any 5.25" disk as there was no need. Although the first working prototype was only made in 1979 that was because the factory director thought this didn't fit the COMECON plans. My grandfather, who worked there in the seventies claimed Járosi was close and the factory was ready by 1975 (he gave the date as my birth and I was born in 1975) to manufacture it. (He alas passed away in 1985, the year I learned BASIC on a ZX Spectrum my parents smuggled into the country and I saw some Commodore 64 machines using floppies and that's when he told me how Hungary had a better floppy ready a decade ago.
>>
No. 20990
>>20955
What irks me is the amount of people involved in psychoanalysis that claim to see "creatures" and having hallucinations. It seems to be a trend these past years. Another red flag are the DSM-IV codes which add categories such as "Caffeine-related disorders" which makes them look like an arm of the Nomenklatura. As if they constantly create more disorders to get their hands on more tax money. And yet there seem to be gems as well in these studies. I'm thinking of Milgram experiment on obedience to authority figures. What Jung wrote about the shadow seems to ring true as well. "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."
>>
No. 20991 Kontra
>>20986
So it's not even that it's grammatically incorrect, it's just a bad implication.
Whew. I thought I forgot how to English for a second.
Thanks.
>>
No. 20995
Yeah, I’m going to fucking skip class tomorrow. The panic feeling is back, and I can’t study because of it. I’m also really tired, and I feel cold too. It’s probably the caffeine. It has to be.
My mother commented on the growing circles under my eyes. I think she might be thinking I have some sort of problem.
>>
No. 21007
You see me rare balling.

I really like taiwan been 4 years since the last time I was here.
>>
No. 21015
205 kB, 500 × 500
>>21007
It's been a while since I last enjoyed a change of scenery.
Are you working or on vacation?
>>
No. 21017
And so I stayed home, not because I wanted to, but because I was asked to.
Spent the morning at the doctor's office.
I think it reinforced my hate for pensioners quite a bit. These fuckers go to the doctor as a free time activity, not because they need something.
>Oh, I was just walking in the neighbourhood, and if I'm already here, might as well get my feelings checked
2 and a half hours of meaningless chitchat about who's grandson/daughter does what and who has what illness.
Jesus Christ, my mind is wrecked. I wanted to finish reading The Lime Works, but I think I'm going to play Postal 2 instead.
Seriously, fuck people. And to Hell with this unliterary reality.

I'm going to spend the next week in Rome. My mother insisted that I visit the city with her, because
>You are the only one in the family who hasn't been there. Rome has to be seen
So she arranged a holiday behind my back and surprised me with it.
I should be happy about this, but all it brought me is more stress for whatever reason. Once I'm there, I'll probably enjoy it, it's just the thought of going there that stresses me out infinitely.

Apparently I look troubled, and have been looking troubled for days.
>>
No. 21018
6 kB, 199 × 229
>>20990
I suspect that certain illnesses classified by DSM are actually different illnesses that exhibit similar behavioral symptoms. Considering that they respond to different treatments, differently.

There must be a wide variety of neurological problems that cause depression or schizoid, or whatever, those problems being unknown, the only way to "treat" them is to treat the symptoms.

DSM literally defines mental illness in terms of social expectation and failure to meet them.
Then, when their methodology doesn't work, they append "treatment resistant" to the diagnosis.

How about considering the fact that since medication is the only way we have in affecting the black box of neurochemistry and observing the results, an illness that is "treatment resistant" to a particular medication is a different illness altogether? Or perhaps the medication doesn't work because the patient was misdiagnosed in the first place?

If you feed identical input into two systems and they produce different results, it must be the systems that are different.

In fact, I propose a more useful semantic construction - one that puts the only tool we have at the center of it - medication. So mental illnesses would instead be defined as medication deficiencies. If SSRIs don't work for your "depression", perhaps you don't have serotonin deficiency, but something else that causes depression.

And as the only person qualified to diagnose myself, I hereby declare myself as having a crippling condition I will dub "meth deficit disorder"
>>
No. 21023
Been working two days, funny thing was that initially the company wanted to give 4 hours while I had to drive one and a half hour to the working place. I told them that I'm busy and won't be able to leave the house for 40EUR. The employee called me back later and told me I get to work 5 hours and get paid 6, ebin.
Also I got back a few of my applications to the apprenticeships. I got turned down in every single one of them. Wtf. Seems like I do not fit any of the criteria for the job of a librarian/archivist. Might sound a bit depressing as I spent so much time on this god-damn applications but in the end it's selection and not rejection. This is getting a bit fucked though nonetheless, I need to get a real job.
Two days ago I sent away an application as a texter for an ad-agency. I proposed them that I would do an internship first and then would be interested to become an employee at their company. I have no experience in this field but being a creative person and actually writing in my freetime they could be interested. If they don't write me back I'll have to call them. I'll call them anyways.
>>
No. 21024
410 kB, 2000 × 1329
>>21023
Always call first, before you even write an application and inform yourself on the internship or job or whatever. Have some questions at your hand about the process and the job/internship, what will you do/learn etc. Maybe smuggle in some infos about you into this conversation so people will recognize your application again when they have it under their eyes reading.

Still, I would be a bit sad about it. Contacts would be good in all of these. Like in most jobs...

---
First week of uni is over, feeling good so far. Hyped about reading and writing stuff hopefully soon. But then again it seems so much and I don't even know how all of this will help me to get an actual job I like. When I was at the public computer rooms I overheard a conversation between to students and one told the other that he will go to Berlin soon for three months doing an internship at ZEIT Magazin. Meanwhile I just read texts. I don't want to write for the ZEIT Magazin but anything that pays me for my ideas and writings.
>>
No. 21033
1,5 MB, 1440 × 1080
I wish I knew why I feel so pathetic.
I can't muster the strength to study my hanzis, to read or to even watch a jap cartoon, (though out of the three, this one takes the most).

Life should feel good. But it doesn't. And it's killing me.
>>
No. 21034
I need anxiety to function.

Whenever I try to relax, I shut down and become unresponsive/avoidant for several days, just laying in bed sleeping and doing nothing. Then when I come to, my phone is blowing up and everybody is upset at me for not doing stuff they're not paying me to do.

I just want to not be waken up by my phone for once. But when I get what I want (isolation), I drop out into another dimension.
>>
No. 21037
3,5 MB, 3120 × 4160
2,6 MB, 4160 × 3120
2,9 MB, 4160 × 3120
Greetings-e from-e Bella Italia!

Enjoy-e these pictures-e with the filters-e that make them look passabl-e
>>
No. 21038
>>21024
Thanks, next time I'll just call the company I'm interested in. I've heard that before but I have the quirk to prefer the written word over the spoken one in such cases.
What exactly are you writing again? Have you ever tried to send your stuff to magazines or to connect with like minded people? Magazines you read yourself might be worth a try.

Talking of writing, I'm close to finishing the novella. Getting near the end feels terrible. I'm working on it since 6 months now. Lately I feel very pessimistic about it, even though I get pretty good feedbacks whenever I confront other people with what I wrote. Maybe that's some kind of fear of finishing (and obviously the fear that the end won't be the same as it is in my heda when I put it down kn words. Even though it'll probably be only around 80-90 pages long, it will be the first longer work I've ever finished. Thinking that I pretty much did not accomplish anything worth mentioning in the last few years, this is the only thing I have so far. Yes, it's ridiculous and sad. Sometimes I feel like the need to create art is some kind of mental illness. Especially writing in times where high-brow literature is only read by rather few people and humans communicate in animated little yellow faces seems like clinging on to an archaic craft. I don't even read a lot contemporary german literature myself.
But fuck the doubts, I'll hold on to it and finish it until next month. Then it will go out to the beta-readers (most of them don't know about having the honour yet but I don't think that they'll let me down) So, whichever German Ernst wanted to read it may send me his mail adress soon.

Other than that I'm feeling like I losing my mind this week. On some day I've yelled at some guy in a car (it was an asian men in a black van that almost drove past red light in front of me. I yelled "Fucking piece of shit chink! Es ist Deutschland hier!" really angrily and waved my hand towards him). When I'm outside everything seems like I'd look through a hazy a filter. I don't understand things. Short episodes of lucidity and activity, then I'm back in my bed again. I feel detached whenever I talk to most people. Also no contact with her since tuesday night, which isn't to great either as it's very soothing for me to listen to her voice a lot.
Today in the supermarket there was a rich looking guy with two somewhat cute teenage daughters. Even though they already had the bodies of women they talked like imbecile children. They had a fight whether they should buy a glass of nutella even though they only have a budget of 20EUR. Like one of the girls was literally crying "BUT I WANT IT, I WANT IT! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME HAVE IT" to what seemed was her older daughter in front of all the people. "LOOK THAT GUY OVER THERE BUYS SOME NUTELLA TOO!" "Yes, but I bet he doesn't have a budget." Then the loud girl walked away angrily and snacked some fruits that were meant to be tested by customers.
Also I meditated 8 minutes today after long time of no meditation, it was barely bearable. My mind is feverish and nervous. It reacts heavily to the smallest and most insignificant stimuli. I tried to take a nap in the evening but couldn't. I could go out and see friends but I feel the impulse to stay at home the whole weekend as next week will be quite busy anyways. I checked instagram again as I somewhat feel pressured to have one as well as a young man but it was extremely boring (that said I only "follow" like 25 people who post rather rarely. So there are still the same photos in my timeline as they were when I last checked it some years ago. Why do people even use it? What lusts, what feelings does it invoke inside of them to look at other people's photos? Okay, I get the notion of presenting yourself. But what should I present? And what do I have to expect from it? Instant rewards for people liking my photos maybe? Maybe this kind of presenting is healthy?
>>
No. 21040
>>21037
I love old buildings, but when I imagening what may be inside.. like wooden overlaping (dunno how it called on english properly), inside walls and in foundation, it's makes me fear about "oh not it's gonna collapse on my head when I'll go inside!"
>>
No. 21042
>>21034
>I need anxiety to function.

I recognise that life-rhythm feel. It's sad but I need to keep myself busy even in my downtime or I just become a sloth. Of course it is also difficult to let my hair down in the first place.

Did you ever find out what happened to the Australian?
>>
No. 21063
>>21038
Get in touch via telephone since it's more direct. And you should somehow present yourself, like on instagram :^) ... just kidding, it's a bit different. But from the conversation you can check the workplace a bit better and they will check you somehow as well.

I'm writing nothing, just have many ideas for essays or whatever. I will have some writing tasks to be done for uni and I get better at it with every one of them. Still need to sit down and write my own stuff. But that requires research time in most cases. Maybe those writers can pump it out quick and without much of a hassle but I can't. What does that mean? Is it the wrong direction I'm lusting after? Or do you actually need lots and lots of training I don't have yet? Hopefully I have the abilities one day in the near future.

>nutella

One of those things why I hate and like the supermarket, depending on my mood while strolling thru the aisles.

>social media

Don't care much, sometimes I think it' good to use them to be up to date with my generation, but depending on your bubble it's like an imageboard for normies. When I checked ads for shared flats in Berlin many wanted a link to a social media profile for a first impression and I think about my dusty facebook account...shit.
>>
No. 21066
25 kB, 524 × 400
>>21038
>Nutella
To tell you the truth, I have an irrational hatred for that thing.
Consumerist whores love nutella. It's so epic to put nutella on things it doesn't go with, because "le nutella and le bacon makes everything better XDD aren't I so quirky and random"
No, bacon wrapped nutella tendies isn't food, and it doesn't taste good, there is a fucking reason why we don't eat it every day, and not only we don't eat it, but you too, nutella shitters.
At least bacon is a legitimate food that has a use, nutella is just an amalgamation of chemicals and sugar.
Fuck nutella the symbol of hypercapitalist memetics.
>>
No. 21068
>>21066
Nutella tastes good for it being a mass produced good, tbh. but palm oil and I don't want to eat so many sweet things anymore I don't eat it with bacon or anything else. As a kid I was disgusted by people who put butter under the Nutella.
>>
No. 21072
>>21066
There a lot similar peoducts to nutella that may be or equal for lower price, or better. I like some chocolate-banana paste.. from norway or from finland I forgot, don't have package now.
And in russia very popular condensed milk and it's variation - boiled condensed milk, which very similar to Dulce de leche but much more dense, almost not liquid. In USA as I know they love peanut butter for this purposes.
>>
No. 21082
102 kB, 888 × 666
>>21037
Your english is truly excellent. If it weren't for that slight accent, you could pass for a native speakerXDDDDxD.
>>
No. 21084
>>21042
He posted some time ago.
He's alive, just in a bad place mentally, and busy. Apparently, he's working on a 15th century kazakh khanate themed PnP RPG.
>>
No. 21088
224 kB, 1200 × 942
Well, today was fine. I felt a lot better, actually.
Bought some new shoes, ate a langosch, watched some anime and played Postal 2.
Also helped around the house.

Tomorrow I'll clean up my room, make 30-40 flashcards and then pack my suitcase for the departure on Monday.
I feel a lot less anxious about going to Rome now. I'm going to keep a diary of the events that happen there. (Maybe.)
>>
No. 21089
well, fuck me, after 3 days of lethargy, my adhd flared up, I can't sit still, I can't finish listening to a 3 minute long pop song, I can't fall asleep
>>
No. 21095
>>21063
You're talking about writing scientific/essayistic stuff though, right? If so, I won't be a great help to you at the moment as I mostly write prose only. But my next project after the novella will be writing a report I will try to submit to various newspapers like the protagonist in Knut Hamsun's Hunger, so we can maybe exchange experiences then.

Since I don't spend the nights together with her anymore everything has gotten a bit lonely. Could have been something nice but seemed like I fucked up that one night out. It's what was called mugging oneself probably, seems like I can't help but do that every single time. Well, I'm a slow learner, very slow. Good night Ernsts.
>>
No. 21099
>>21084
That I am, though it's more 17-18th centuries. Not super hard to hack it back to the founding of the Khanate though if you strip out the (rare but around) guns (Uzbeks realistically had access by the mid-16th century via the Safavids and Ottomans esp. after the Battle of Jām, even though they weren't popular). It's also got a pretty ebin setting with fighting to create the Khanate out of territory taken from the Uzbeks and Golden Horde. Perfect ground for heroic fiction.

That said, I hit a brick wall on my last prototype version in playtesting and found that it was a bit hard to find a a balance where increasingly complex 'plans' (essentially blocks of stats and decoupled skills that act as roll modifiers) had enough disadvantage built in to dissuade players from slowing the game down pursuing them all the time while retaining enough advantages that they had a place. I decided to go to the other end of the scale and stripped the game back to concept stage and started a new prototype based on percentile die. It's looking promising because there is more granularity to play with in regards to modifiers but it also opens up more lines of inspiration and the initial core idea (using planning to punch above your weight) is starting to become harder to defend as the complexity ramps up to balance it. When I need a full page to explain how a single kind of dice roll functions, then it's a poorly designed mechanic and needs to be scrapped.

I'm currently considering ripping out the current system that has a sizable pile of skills and stats in favour of a heavily abstracted one with a small statline that instead puts more emphasis on traits purchased at character creation and earned through later feats. It would function similarly to the Renown stat that I was using to track one's 'legend' in that it would provide progression based on notable and/or heroic deeds/events (the game is called Batyr after all). Like a veteran warrior who might even have lost a hand for a disadvantage in fighting but it improves his ability to talk people down ("the man who was good enough to take my arm is dead, what do you think will happen to you?"), focusing the advantage or disadvantage in ways that are naturally in-character and tell something of a story themselves and act as mementos of past adventures long after they've ended. Trick with that one is to create a big and I mean big list of traits so that there is plenty of room to wind paths through.

This isn't compatible with my current framework of decoupled stats and skills though which is based on certain T&T variants. If I end up going that way, and depending on how my progress goes with balancing a workable plan mechanic with intuitive design, I very well might; then it'll mean stopping work on the current prototype and hitting up a different branch of systems for inspiration.

Also, my heda is still not great. Probably part of why I'm going so deep on something so pointless. The bunny hole acts as a kind of escapism.
>>
No. 21103
>>21095
Yeah, the direction between society, history, philosophy and politics. All of this with an academical background or touch. Something you can find in magazines or newspapers. So a certain deepness of thought linked with style in formulation. Writing purely academical is a bit stiff, I want more freedom when talking/writing about those things.

But besides some ideas, that need more research, as I think, nothing ever happens. But I will write an essay on Provincialism as aesthetical category within the next weeks hopefully. I need to write one for a seminar and it's a good training for such writings I have in mind.

I'm afraid most newspapers will only take stuff they are made aware if my trusted people or similar. Maybe my local newspaper will take a writing for the Kulturseite
Yet I don't even want to email them and ask if it's even a good idea to sent something in or if they don't read sent in stuff they never asked for out of principle. As I said, if you know someone, who has experience, he could judge your writing and recommend it to people in the business.
>>
No. 21104 Kontra
>>21103
A note: I just had to think about a title like Der Katastrophismus der Moderne arguing for the 20th and 21th being ages of catastrophies. Maybe this is also linked to the spread of mass media during those centuries so far. Maybe it's inherent to our ages? You know something like this. Perhaps not very well thought out and a worthy candidate for the ZEIT Magazine or Cicero or Merkur. Maybe it has potential tho and could be nice and fitting. I don't have a clue. Perhaps some one has written about it already, maybe you could just update the thesis for the presence. Maybe the argument gets twisted in an interesting way once you pile up some thoughts around this topic. and so on and so on...
>>
No. 21107
>>21103
I see, what kind of theoretic/academic circle are you coming from? I know that there are lots of political/cultural magazines from all kind of directions and every school of thought, I guess you have to fit in in one of them. I imagine starting out in local feuilleton rather hard but you should try sending an article in nonetheless, in the end you have nothing to lose. And I used to believe sames about the whole contact thing but ever since I got the internship at the newspaper I'm a bit more optimistic. I've also read some posts from a journalism-related internet forum where people did exactly this and succeeded. (It's supposed to be important though to contact the editors personally, so your stuff won't be lost in some customer service mail account) If you've got the talent it takes, there will be a way I guess.
Also you can just finish your studies first and not worry about writing too much, it will be a bonus credential.
It is quite usual that studying robs your mind of other possibilities, as so much headspace is to be filled with reading scientific articles and preparing homeworks etc.

When it comes to my own abilities, I strongly believe in my writing skills for good reasons (this might sound highly megalomaniacal but it's really the thing I'm good at and where I can excel in, I have made the experience in different fields that I can touch people with words if I want). At least when it comes to prose, I yet have to try out journalistic writing. When the novella is finished my next project will be the report. I've already noted down a couple of sentences, the people I'll put in etc. (Before you ask, it's not fake :DD but based on the real experiences I've made in my job). And in summer I'll have the opportunity to get to know some of the right people, even though my newspaper doesn't publish reports because of its local nature.

>>21104
Sounds like a good idea. Yeah, quite probably someone has already thought of something similiar before (Teddy W. Adorno would be the first one coming to my mind.) but if we're honest most of such theoretical concepts are rarely original and rather exist in their own self-referential cosmos like it's the case with arts. The same phenomenon described in new words can be a win, so you should go for it I guess.
>>
No. 21108
Job hunting season is back on the menu, boys. Whenever I get demotivated, all I need to focus on is the thought that I need fugging money. Greed is good indeed, because god knows, pursuing abstract ideals never got me anywhere.

>>21099
Interesting. Glad you have the motivation to work on something you enjoy, even if your heda is in a bad place right now.
If you need any kazakh specific material, you can always ask me. I could even translate a few fairytales and folk stories for you, if your game needs lore and flavor text. Or you could try your kazakh skills doing it yourself: https://kitap.kz/book
They even have "phenomenology of spirit" in kazakh :-DDDDD

Also, I found this thread on one of my imageboard archive prowls. You probably know everything written in there already, but I thought it was interesting:
https://warosu.org/tg/thread/S55657420
>>
No. 21113
>>21108
Ebin. Thanks fren. I'll see what I can do. Getting the feel of the setting is important, and not just in terms of writing background information but also tying mechanics together. You can have great mechanics but if they don't serve the whole product properly then they're in effect bad ones.

>https://kitap.kz/book/alpamys_batyr

Hmm, I found this one but I dunno if it will really help with with setting the tone of Central Asian heroics. It seems a bit obscure and irrelevant to the genre :-DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

That feel when you will never have the kind of tag-team that Alpamys and Qarazhan had, and you will never use your powers combined to dunk on haters and acquire livestock.
>>
No. 21116
>>21107
I will sent in stuff when I have something nailed down I think fits. You are right, it either works or it doesn't. Really trying something means to try it a thousand times and many different things concerning a thing. Coming from literature and history but my interest spans across all Geisteswissenschaften and it's a must somehow, since they cross each other.

Are you the Ernst that works in catering but beyond the scenes in this shitty job? If so, it's a good base for a report. Reports as Reportage are exactly that. If written well people will like it. I heard Tempo the old magazine from the mid 80s to mid 90s reinvented journalism and also where known for the reports: I bought an issue from the early 90s where two journalists went to the GDR to buy weapons like an AK or explosives.
>>
No. 21119
>>21113
Dang, last time I checked, the website didn't require login information to read books. Oh well.
Here's some more links if you're interested.
https://kitaptar.azurewebsites.net/
https://adebiportal.kz/kz/books
https://adebiportal.kz/kz/audiobooks
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9YD5lxaSjoIBPuy1WzC6ow

In my own experience, the best way to learn a language is to simply use it every day. My english skills jumped from 8th grader level to fluent in a few years of browsing english imageboards, and talking to my guild in ventrilo :-DDDD.

Also, I just had the ebin idea of providing some illustrations for your setting, like armor, weapon, and jewelry, architecture, etc. Would be cool.
>>
No. 21120
>>21116
Nothing to add on the topic of trying. There is a little motivational story I think of in such cases. There was this german writer, Oskar Maria Graf. He was 17 years old when he fucked off from his abusive parents farm to live in Munich, with him he carried a little card that said: "Oskar Graf, Schriftsteller". Well, today we know what became of him. Sometimes one's got to be dreist (brazen), especially if the circumstances aren't on one's side.

Yes, that's me. I have the fake bavaria ball disease at times. I think so too, whenever I told people closer details about the job and the people working there they got enthralled. It won't be only a description of what's happening there though, it will touch a wider variety of societal topics (actually quite hot ones) in a critical but subtle way, just so that the reader will notice what's wrong there himself. Not too radical on the politics, I'm writing for rather mainstream audiences but critical definitely. So yes, no more booze for me so that I finish the novella and get my hands on the report.
>>
No. 21127
>>21015
Vacation, cheap here, polite chinese, good food clean air.
More of a collection of towns than a city taipei.
>>
No. 21131
134 kB, 600 × 800
>>21119
It wasn't a hassle. I registered in 5 seconds and set my email to filter their address to junk just in case. There is some nice functionality on their service anyway. The way it brings up a plain text version of what you highlight that is editable is pretty ebin and being able to save my spot on various books automatically is useful. Can be a bit weird to find things on though admittedly. Such cases. Thanks for other links. Maybe I will have to try and find the mysterious Kazakh imageboards and immerse myself in Mambet menes. Will definitely try and keep up with the Qabanbai (wasn't he Naiman? Am I detecting a bit of tribal self-promotion here :-DDD) audiobook but I have my doubts as to my ability to do so since I try to think of what the word means and then we're two sentences behind by the time I remember. However, even if I fall behind Kazakh is still a really nice sounding language, even though it looks like throat cancer on paper. I'm thinking that if my finances work out alright this year, then I might get myself onto the Brickistan around the 2019/2020 new year. Being dragged on that Singapore trip set me back a bit in that respect though, so it's not set in stone.

I'm still a long ways off of art assets being needed, but don't let that stop you if you want to draw some things. It'd be a pretty neat little project and they will eventually be useful when I figure out a way forward, and hell it could even help jog some inspiration. I'll even get you in on the contract if this shit ever makes any monis. I've gone through a good half dozen prototypes in as many months at this point since I always find something I don't like and scrap it though so that might be a while :-D

The final product should be worth it though, even if only as an 'I made this' memento. Also that terrible feel when I just discovered that MSPE got a 3rd edition on kickstarter that ended three weeks ago. I've got an original 2nd edition, but none of the supplements and the new stuff had a way better build quality and updates.
>>
No. 21133
>>21120
>not too radical critic

I'd say give a context in which we as readers should situate your job and its experience and let the text talk for itself then. Fast wie ein Ausloten des Abgrunds, fast schon ästhetisch wertvoll, könnte man sagen. Wenn es allerdings wirklich politisch werden soll, wäre klar benannte Kritik nicht verkehrt, sondern angebracht. Beides Varianten gehen und sollten sein.
>>
No. 21141
80 kB, 513 × 600
148 kB, 500 × 648
I went to Tate Modern yesterday. Jenny Holzer's stuff was pretty cool or at least it didn't come across as trying to browbeat you with any bien pensant morality.

>>21108
Just set the goal of doing at least one application a day. A Finn gave me that advice last year and the low-bar really helped me keep a momentum on it which just gets easier as you can hone your answers. Gives you a routine anyway so you don't slip into the void of neetdom.

>I've done a few applications today so I play without any guilt
>I missed the midnight deadline so I'll do a couple applications now

>>21127
Why not move to Taiwan? Can't imagine it's more expensive than HK.
>>
No. 21144
I packed my things, cleaned up the room completely, and made 40 flashcards. I felt really happy and motivated while making the flash cards. It's like Mandarin fluency is within my grasp. It no longer feels unreachable.

I have that panic feeling again, and it's killing me. What's killing me is that I have no way of treating it. Caffeine and tea does the complete opposite, and sometimes even causes me to feel panicked. It's horrible.
The worst thing is, that it's actually starting to show on me physically, so I can't just shrug it off.

Tomorrow I'll fly to Rome. What a joy. Let's hope it turns out well. And let's hope I can take a few good pictures along the way.

>>21127
It must be comfy to have that feeling of a small town while actually being in a metropolis.
>>
No. 21151
>>21144
>Tomorrow I'll fly to Rome. What a joy.
Have a good flight. I know you mentioned possibly keeping a diary, and I would recommend it. Sure, it's good for memories or whatever, but not just that. Since your typical routine will be turned on its head, taking a few minutes to write can add some normality to the days. It can also be hard to get time to yourself while travelling, and journaling gives you a polite reason to excuse yourself.
t.anxiety pro
>>
No. 21152 Kontra
>>21141
Much lower salary and wife.
>>
No. 21153
My grandmother died sat week. I'm not as sad as you might expect. She was in poor health and suffering from dementia. She made it to age 90, so good on her.

This post is more about how sad I am that this event is the only reason for me to meet so much of my family. That atomized feel when only a death lets me play games with my 8 year old second cousin, or reminisce with my great uncle who was an IBM programmer in the 60s.
>>
No. 21154
Had to beat up my father again, because he kept waking everyone up at 2 AM. He wasn't even making a scene, just acting like that one annoying faggot kid who keeps trying to talk to you while you want nothing to do with him.

I suspect alcohol legit made him retarded at this point. AND I failed at my goal of waking up early today thanks to that idiot.
>>
No. 21160
>>21153
That sucks but at least good came out of it.
>>
No. 21161
>>20102
Your point? Everyone knows Lovecraft was racist. It ruined his short story The Rats in the Walls too because it's pretty hard to take a guy's story seriously when he names his cat "Nigger" and has every moment where a black cat is being talked about is like that. Your other pic didn't happen though I'm pretty certain. You can tell the difference in poltard phrasing and language. As for Lovecraft while his racism is well known his wife probably isnt and I still find it funny that the guy was in general a xenophobe and specifically racist and antisemitic but he still married a Jewish woman.
>>
No. 21162
>>
No. 21163
Despite anxiety, made 5 calls today.
One interview tomorrow, three resumes in consideration, one possible source of remote income.

Now we wait.
>>
No. 21191
>>21163
I know that last job Chinese jewed you, but I bet they would write you a reference letter, better yet allow you to put their name on a reference letter you wrote, might give you a boost when you apply for a new job.

On my last two days of annual leave, I think my maid :), one visit a week either smokes or has smoked in the toilet while cleaning it, it could however but thousands of other chinks how smoke, hot work or burn stuff for their dead.
I don't need a beer but am going to have one anyway resisting the urge to do tramadol.

I bought tobacco plant stems in Taiwan, but wasn't allowed to bring them back, you bite off the stem and chew it a little and but it under your lip like dip, bet If I try I can find some more in HK.

Also bought 3 bottles of Whiskey, might post them later, good prices for all of them.
>>
No. 21192
I have no appetite at all.
Ate pizza yesterday morning and a rasberry biscuit.
Maybe 5 beers.

Today not eaten anything but had two coffees today.
Not been getting drunk as have to go back to work, idk what's wrong with me however last time I forced down food I got rather ill for a few days.
I always like to eat food because drinking + not eating = bad news.
I have narrowed it down to alcoholism, the heat/dehydration or some stomach upset.
I did over eat the last few days, lots of spicy, fried foods and lots of meat and sushi.

Will try a chicken/potato curry, but I have no curry powder/paste so might have to buy one or just throw together two ramen packets instead.
More likely to wait until 8-9pm see what my wife brings back and just hit the booze instead.