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I'm not sure if any of you guys suffers from similiar problems but I don't feel like I am able to talk about this yet to anyone else than you, as it is this place where I always poor out the inmost state of my soul. Well, you might know one or other thing about me from my regular participation in the today thread but there's one thing I barely ever mention. Since I was 15 I rarely spend a week without getting shitfaced. I'm 22 now, the last time I was sober must have been around 3 weeks when I was 19, during this short period of time I was smoking weed every now and then. And when I say shitfaced I'm not talking about drinking two or three glasses of wine or beer but always driniking until I'm completely wasted out of my mind. I've had periods of hard alcoholism when I was drinking 10 days in a row or so but usually it's half a bottle liquor once a week now, then I pass out. Sometimes it's two days a week. Adding on this I've done all kind of other drugs for about two years, these days it's only Kratom. I'm not sure if I'm beyond any salvation by now. 7 years of my yet so young life I have spend in a state between total excess and soberness. Everytime I woke up hungover the self-hate grew. At the beginning I felt like the alcohol would make me a more interesting person, I talked to other people, which I rarely ever did sober, had the courage to walk up and talk to girls etc. I remember the first time I got wasted clearly, what I thought the next time was: "I wish that I could just get drunk whenever I want, switching between drunkenness and soberness any time". It has become the sad truth of my life. However there has been change. I filled the void I've always felt in my heart, finally started writing (Soon every drug or alcohol-induced euphoria became dull to me.). I fought my demons and got grip of my obesity, did sports. I have realized that I am able to be charismatic and that I am able to be a good person, when I'm sober. But when I drink I become a monstrosity. Counting down the atrocious shit I've done in the last 7 years while under the influence of alcohol is atrocious but I'll try to do it anyways, because I don't care anymore about the shame I feel. I found myself at the lowest places, got wasted with bums, harrassed girls, got in countless fights, sweared at people, been an asshole towards my family countless times, puked in nearly every place I've been to, lost any kind of self-respect, destroyed friendships, woke up without my purse and mobile multiple times and on top of that I kill myself on rates, god knows how long or short it will take until my body fucks off. And every week of my life I spend in guilt. I found a shortcut to not do so by mostly only drinking with close friends, where I don't do a lot of damage but when I'm around a greater amount of people it usually ends in desaster. Some alcoholics say they have two personalities, I can't really say that about myself. It's rather like I lose any kind of personality and become a beast. The extroversion and ego-boost alcohol gives you has carried over to my sober mind, usually alcohol only makes everything worse.
I won't lie to you, I'm afraid to stop. Mostly because I just don't know what will happen. Me being a drunkard is such a huge part of what I've become that I can't imagine myself without it. But I detest this part of me and I cannot ever love myself while getting wasted once a week. Everytime I get a somewhat positive image of myself in my head, everything crushes and crumbles down after the next excess. My closest friends are alcoholics as well. In fact it's me who often pushes them. It might sound ridiculous but it's the first time I reflect about this ever. Sure, the nagging thought was always there but I ignored it. I have mastered ignoring it, laughing it off, listening to some drinking songs, feeling pity for myself, doing sports all the time so I don't feel as bad during drinking. But the events of the last weekend were too much. I basically had a mental breakdown with hundreds of people around me, blacked out at some point and probably scared off and mistreated someone that was/is/has become really close to me. This is too much even for myself to bear.
Now, how do I proceed? I'll need to inform the ones close to me. Now obviously everyone who knows me knows that I'm an alcholic but I feel that when I'll only drop the words: I stop drinking now or I'll stop drinking everyone will have an eye on it, everyone will be my judge (I can't even imagine what my friends would say, as most of them drink themselves I'd be constantly reminding them of it). I am afraid on one hand but on the other I know that it would be worth it. It would be worth it to have the balls at least once in my life and just stop it, stop fucking killing myself. Saying straightout: "I cannot drink", when someone offers me liquor, being terrifyingly honest. I don't know if I'll have any kind of withdrawal symptoms and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight (mostly because of the excitement I'm feeling right now). Many people have gone down this route, many will. There is no reason for me to continue drinking. I have realized there are beautiful things in life, worth living for and I'm fucking everything up by being a drunk. There is no other choice.