/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 21097
95 kB, 1024 × 576
I'm not sure if any of you guys suffers from similiar problems but I don't feel like I am able to talk about this yet to anyone else than you, as it is this place where I always poor out the inmost state of my soul. Well, you might know one or other thing about me from my regular participation in the today thread but there's one thing I barely ever mention. Since I was 15 I rarely spend a week without getting shitfaced. I'm 22 now, the last time I was sober must have been around 3 weeks when I was 19, during this short period of time I was smoking weed every now and then. And when I say shitfaced I'm not talking about drinking two or three glasses of wine or beer but always driniking until I'm completely wasted out of my mind. I've had periods of hard alcoholism when I was drinking 10 days in a row or so but usually it's half a bottle liquor once a week now, then I pass out. Sometimes it's two days a week. Adding on this I've done all kind of other drugs for about two years, these days it's only Kratom. I'm not sure if I'm beyond any salvation by now. 7 years of my yet so young life I have spend in a state between total excess and soberness. Everytime I woke up hungover the self-hate grew. At the beginning I felt like the alcohol would make me a more interesting person, I talked to other people, which I rarely ever did sober, had the courage to walk up and talk to girls etc. I remember the first time I got wasted clearly, what I thought the next time was: "I wish that I could just get drunk whenever I want, switching between drunkenness and soberness any time". It has become the sad truth of my life. However there has been change. I filled the void I've always felt in my heart, finally started writing (Soon every drug or alcohol-induced euphoria became dull to me.). I fought my demons and got grip of my obesity, did sports. I have realized that I am able to be charismatic and that I am able to be a good person, when I'm sober. But when I drink I become a monstrosity. Counting down the atrocious shit I've done in the last 7 years while under the influence of alcohol is atrocious but I'll try to do it anyways, because I don't care anymore about the shame I feel. I found myself at the lowest places, got wasted with bums, harrassed girls, got in countless fights, sweared at people, been an asshole towards my family countless times, puked in nearly every place I've been to, lost any kind of self-respect, destroyed friendships, woke up without my purse and mobile multiple times and on top of that I kill myself on rates, god knows how long or short it will take until my body fucks off. And every week of my life I spend in guilt. I found a shortcut to not do so by mostly only drinking with close friends, where I don't do a lot of damage but when I'm around a greater amount of people it usually ends in desaster. Some alcoholics say they have two personalities, I can't really say that about myself. It's rather like I lose any kind of personality and become a beast. The extroversion and ego-boost alcohol gives you has carried over to my sober mind, usually alcohol only makes everything worse.

I won't lie to you, I'm afraid to stop. Mostly because I just don't know what will happen. Me being a drunkard is such a huge part of what I've become that I can't imagine myself without it. But I detest this part of me and I cannot ever love myself while getting wasted once a week. Everytime I get a somewhat positive image of myself in my head, everything crushes and crumbles down after the next excess. My closest friends are alcoholics as well. In fact it's me who often pushes them. It might sound ridiculous but it's the first time I reflect about this ever. Sure, the nagging thought was always there but I ignored it. I have mastered ignoring it, laughing it off, listening to some drinking songs, feeling pity for myself, doing sports all the time so I don't feel as bad during drinking. But the events of the last weekend were too much. I basically had a mental breakdown with hundreds of people around me, blacked out at some point and probably scared off and mistreated someone that was/is/has become really close to me. This is too much even for myself to bear.

Now, how do I proceed? I'll need to inform the ones close to me. Now obviously everyone who knows me knows that I'm an alcholic but I feel that when I'll only drop the words: I stop drinking now or I'll stop drinking everyone will have an eye on it, everyone will be my judge (I can't even imagine what my friends would say, as most of them drink themselves I'd be constantly reminding them of it). I am afraid on one hand but on the other I know that it would be worth it. It would be worth it to have the balls at least once in my life and just stop it, stop fucking killing myself. Saying straightout: "I cannot drink", when someone offers me liquor, being terrifyingly honest. I don't know if I'll have any kind of withdrawal symptoms and I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight (mostly because of the excitement I'm feeling right now). Many people have gone down this route, many will. There is no reason for me to continue drinking. I have realized there are beautiful things in life, worth living for and I'm fucking everything up by being a drunk. There is no other choice.
No. 21098
You can check yourself into detox if you're deep enough in, and then try to use whatever Germany offers. Go to AA. Seriously just do it. Go for a few weeks.
No. 21100
Well, deep enough in... I rather think that me quitting will have a positive effect on the ones surrounding me. In fact I have the feeling that the day I'll reveal it to my two closest friends they might accompany me as they suffer from very similiar problems and will be shocked as fuck when I'm the first one to drop (just about as probably anyone who knows me). So I don't really worry about not being able to quit because of social pressure or something. Actually I'm looking forward to do it. And I'm curious to see the world with a sober mind (I know from the 3 weeks I didn't drink 3 years ago that it's pretty much the same but I can't bear the feelings of guilt anymore ans look forward to use my time better). So thanks for your tips but I've got that one planned out on my own way.
No. 21101
With this style of life, you got hepatitis in 28-30 and die from cirrhosis in 35.
No. 21102
My friend is an alcoholic, he is ~30. Sometimes he is shitfaced for two weeks straight, will probably lose his job.
Everything you say about your alcoholic experience I can see in my friend as well. He looses his personality and becomes a sad bag of emotions, a bottom of pity, super ugly towards girls and lost in power fantasies. At times all of this together gets so comical that I just want to slap him for his stupidity and my anger is a result of sadness how somebody gets so battered, the respect is gone in him and me.
You are an alcoholic already but still so young, there is nothing cool or wise about taking drugs, even tho I learned a few things out of my own psychosis that I had with amphetamines, but I never did them many days in rows and once I hit a really low psychic low point my mind took enough control and I stopped with the fucking drugs to finally turn my life a round. Sometimes I want to take them again, I don't want to judge people on their consumption, but for me it's better to go without, life is not a breeze or whatever, but at least it's not a shit wading every day anymore. I never said no forever, there is no pressure this way. But for alcoholics, this might be different and I don't say this out of the blue btw.

What you need to quit drugs and alcohol is a will, a real will power that has grip. If you don't, it won't work and you can trust me on that, saying or thinking a thing is one thing. What you want to do is a performative action, like saying yes at a marriage. I hope for you, that it works. If it doesn't you need to seek help, professional help. Maybe a few months of therapy.

I still hang out with my friends who take chemical stuff or smoke weed a lot, drink beers. I don't have a problem with alcohol, so I can drink a few beers or some liquor. Yet I rarely do. I have my cigarettes tho. But it became more of a social thing over the years, luckily I can admit, I think.
Not sure how people will feel that only drink alcohol about a sober mind in their circle. I think with weed and or other stuff it's a bit different. You rarely see those shitfaced persons without any or much control on goa or techno parties. People loose control their but it's different to mono alcohol.

I've found my books, reading texts or being glued to a screen, eating sweets. Low key drugs, but at least the reading has a big advantage: It trains my mind and it's a challenge while also keeping away the real world.

Good luck.
No. 21106
Thanks for your words. I have the willpower that it takes to do it (at least I have it now, I wouldn't have had it the years before, as I finally see that I actually can achieve things). I just couldn't bear it anymore, everything is getting too fucked up to continue pretending that's nothing going on. I was thinking about it for a while now, but usually only about an alcohol free month or a substitution or something. It was just last night that I made the decision, after I couldn't bear the guilt anymore. My performative act will be to tell it everyone I know in person the next time I see him/her. Excluded friends I won't be seeing in the near future and online contacts, I can tell them earlier.
Yes, literature is my medicine as well. It has already helped me along with the depression and binge-eating, now it's time to rip out the alcohol. I also have lots of other things to do, so keeping me busy won't be a problem.

Yes, it is a necessity.
No. 21114
Keeping yourself busy is a good coping strategy. I too had a moment when it struck my mind: you need to stop or else you will go down in horror and despair one day. I just noticed how the drugs made everything worse, there was no sane reason to continue. I still think insanity is interesting, has (aesthetical) potential. But this is also due to a kind of romanticism. Look at those people who took amphetamines for decades or that went insane before. They never made a satisfying or content impression. They seemed lost and the only way are the drugs to suppress it but we all know the drugs don't help at some point.

Doing things sober is alright. I'm way more relaxed and communicative in a good way when sober. I'm boring in a way to many people but I can get very lively on certain things like art and society, but not about things I think are bullshit. You need the right people in the end. I don't hang around Bernds anymore, the same rule applies for RL people that are not Bernds but still are that different that a common denominator is not given anymore. And that hurts quite bad at times.
The drugs will have a lasting impact on who you will be in the future but they don't determine you and perhaps you even learned something from it.
No. 21115 Kontra
Get lost kid, nobody takes you seriously. Hide your insights behind some internet power fantasy shit. I would pity you, if you haven't had any insights, but then again, you must be really stupid to be an alcoholic but not comprehend what it does to you. Are you drunk right now or something?
No. 21118 Kontra
Don't you ever wonder why you get the same respect like grappa?
No. 21130
No. 21142 Kontra
26 kB, 600 × 610
> 22
> gets drunk 1-2 times a week and thinks he has problems

No. 21143 Kontra

>barely sober in three years
>signs of alcoholism
>come along and say it's nothing because the person is many years younger than you

Oh wait, why should one listen to your wisdom again?
No. 21146
Nah you can readily make it past 30 without your liver shutting down. It's a pretty amazingly tough organ. I put it through hell including 42g acetaminophen over one weekend and didn't die. Somehow still have okay liver function as far as I'm aware. Interestingly you're probably more likely to start showing signs of stomach damage before liver failure. By the time your liver fails you've probably already killed or damaged every other organ. Also pancreatic damage.
No. 21148
> 42g paracetamol

Were you trying to kill yourself or something?
No. 21149
No and I might not have the numbers right maybe it was just 32g. And the answer of course is I had a lot of Vicodin and a very high tolerance. I guess i just stopped checking my acetaminophen dose that weekend until I realized how much it was.
No. 21156
I think you are mixing up g and mg.
No. 21158
32mg of paracetamol is too little, usual pills go by 500mg or so.
No. 21159
Depends on time and mass among other things. 10g in one go is risking poisoning. I think the LD50 is somewhere around 10-20 grams so of it's spread over a weekend and the person is fat it's probably survivable for an otherwise healthy adult while seriously pushing it.
No. 21166
>is able to write a wall of text in proper English but without logical paragraphs
>has close friends to drink with
>was able to get weed and all kind of other drug
>was able to survive several fights
>is underage
Fuck this, you're whiny high-performer, probably with good genetics. Probably even a Kein.
No. 21169 Kontra
He's 22. Not any Ernst has to be a >35 yo unemployed
No. 21174
Germans are extremely good at English and knowledge of the language isn't something to be proud of, especially for a youngster.
No. 21181
I implore you to just try to quit it for a few weeks or so, and then try to look at the whole matter from that sober perspective.
I just did that, though I never was much of a binge drinker, rather a bit every day or so, but that adds up as well.
Definitely feels good to be sober for a while! Though it does get somewhat boring. Anyhow, don't beat yourself up over it, it doesn't make sense to blame everything on alcohol.
Well, again I'm not sure about your situation, but it'd probably make sense to first try to quit it temporarily and see how that goes.
No. 21187
I was asked how many 500ml 5% beer cans I can drink.
Honestly 24 cans, if spread over a whole day.
10-12 if I am drinking normally,
16 cans in a day I will get sloppy drunk, this is always a bad idea unless you have just drank 12 cans of beer.


I have done much worse.
No. 21189
145 kB, 480 × 360, 0:01
>I was asked how many 500ml 5% beer cans I can drink.
No. 21193
>if I am drinking normally
I wonder how is it, 10-12 cans of beer make 1-1.5 bottles of vodka.
No. 21194
12 beers is 2.5 x 12 = 25 units.
Standard bottle of vodka is anywhere from 28-35 units.

I save vodka for NYE, because in HK vodka drinks you, also I can't moderate shit.
No. 21202
Guess we have different standards, a standard bottle of vodka for me is 0.5l 40%, so it makes 20 units.
No. 21205
973 kB, 200 × 224, 0:05
>alcohol units
Oh wow, I discovered this unit empirically to discover later that that is an actual thing.