/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 22231
270 kB, 1600 × 1600
Old one is kontra K
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No. 22232
I shot a man just to see him die.
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No. 22241
94 kB, 263 × 380
I was reading a column from a German artist who recently published a book together with another person.
Thought to myself I could do something similar if I just had an idea what to write about, the style is pop and I think I could do it. But I lack the energy to think about an argument I could make. Perhaps I could write down what it feels like to (still!) stroll thru the streets of this shitty town for the last 20-25 years while also being afraid of moving to the big city. It's not even that bad when I think about what other people write. But it feels so pathetic at the same time to write about this and then realize it's shit and not even close to what the artist mentioned above did. Her text began well but got continuously more boring until the end. No real or good pointe.
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No. 22242
51 kB, 1000 × 750
>tfw once created today threda
>oh we already created new one just with other name sorry we will use this one efore previous one
>after thread created even more new threda
>of we forgot about this old thread, we need not to forget about it next time
>next time bumping your very old thread
>after some time
>even more new today thread, your thread systemkonta'd by moderator

This is sotry of whole my life btw.
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No. 22245
110 kB, 589 × 564
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No. 22246
Now that I've shaven my face, I actually look human.

I want to do two things today, in the remaining few hours. Finish reading Hunger, and to look through the flashcards. Don't know if either will happen.

Apparently my family is happy with my career choice of studying Chinese. So it's literally perfect.
>I'm interested in it
>It'll help me actually not starve to death
>My family is happy about it
Now I just need to not fuck it up and get into a university.
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No. 22248
>>22246
You could study Chinese and something else as well. Don't know your system, is it BA/MA? Then you could pick Chinese as major and history as minor or whatever else, like literature or Germanistik.
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No. 22250
Firefox still did not fix their shit and it's been pissing me off.
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No. 22252
>>22250
I think I'd need an Oberstufe Abitur in German to the university to even consider me for a Germanistik course, and I only have a Grundstufe. (I shamefully admit I have no idea how the university system here works.)
Speaking of Germanistik, first year in HS, I had this really sweet old lady as a teacher. She was so old, that she had to use a cane, and sometimes said "Marke" instead of "Euros". But man, she was the best language teacher I've ever had.
She retired last week. I actually took my time and said good bye to her, even though I haven't had a class with her in two years now. Honestly, I almost cried, and felt a bit ashamed that I haven't bought any flowers or something to bid farewell properly, and I expressed this too.
Man, I almost cried.
I think she expected me to pursue Germanistik, becuase when I told her I want to get acquainted with eastern languages, she had her eyes widen quite a bit.
I just don't think I'm made for Germanistik. I'm pretty shitty with the grammar. Or at least I feel that way.
Though at least my accent is "tolerable", if you consider sounding like and "Ungarndeutsche" tolerable. No idea what made the impression on people that I come from a Schwab family, but whatever. It was pretty weird to hear. My mother speaks German, and she studied at an "ethnic" institution, with half of her family being (heavily-magyarized) German, so it might stem from that. If I remember, my great-grandfather was the last to be a proper Schwab. When I asked great grandma if she spoke German (for she used a lot of German words), she replied with a straight, but annoyed "no".
Though it would be interesting, because I could actually take a few classes on Mittelhochdeutsch to read muh Nibelungenlied.
Fuck, this summer, I'm going to grab a dictionary, and read that fucker in Neuhochdeutsch. There is no shame in using a dictionary, right? Please tell me!
Now this turned into one hell of a pointless ramble.
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No. 22255
Relaxed but exhausting day at work. Sparing the details for lack of time. After writing a short text (for another project I'm participating in) I watched Even Dwarfs Started Small. For someone having talked down on cinema barely two weeks ago I feel like I'm really starting to get involved in it. Two days of work left still, it's not that bad but very draining. I feel like I'll take the next week off.

>>22241
Why are you being so mysterious about the artist? You made me curious.
Also do it, might be a fun read actually. It's not pathetic at all to write about your situation, good literature always needs a bit of despair.
Also even if nobody wants to read it, you got it out of your system. Might help you cope with things and reflect about your situation to just write everything. Putting it in words you bring law and order into the chaos of the world.
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No. 22256
24,2 MB, 640 × 360, 9:28
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No. 22257
409 kB, 800 × 450
>>22242
The old Today thread was still alive this morning when I went out to do some yardwork, and by the time I came back inside it was already too late. I'm sorry I didn't bump your thread up sooner.

That yardwork consisted primarily of weed removal, and wound up being the only thing I did all day. At least it was a tangible accomplishment, and even better I managed to do it without cutting up my hands. I covered my fingers with duct tape, which works even better than gloves.
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No. 22260
>>22252
I cannot say you anything about the study settings, but when I met people who studied German in their Master, they still had accents and I think it's hard to come by as a non-native. So I wouldn't worry too much about that. But you could do a minor, just to widen up your field of studies.

>>22255
https://www.monopol-magazin.de/anna-gien-schloss

I wrote down a text but not a good one. Also I didn't take any notes beforehand. I don't think she just wrote it down but at least had a loose plan, a structure. I don't know how people actually write their stuff, perhaps it's different from person to person- But I know I need a structure at first for orientation because else I just drift around.

Also her novel is talked about here, an interview with both of them
https://www.deutschlandfunkkultur.de/anna-gien-marlene-stark-m-neukoellner-porno-roman-mit.1270.de.html?dram:article_id=444810
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No. 22261
I want to sum up a chapter of an English factual book in simple German, but my writing is absolutely horrible. How do I improve my writing in German? I already read a lot, but obviously don't write much myself.
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No. 22262
>>22261
Write more, read your own writing, repeat.
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No. 22263
>>22260
>Generic art ho writes novel about getting fucked and puts something with feminism on it
Ach Ernst, you can do better without much effort. Also I believe that what you have to write about your life in your small town will be thousand times more interesting than what this skank calling herself has to tell about her whoring adventures. And if her prose is anything like the writing style in the column, even more so.

Back to the topic: you are right, everyone has their own way of writing so it's rather useless to dictate you something. I do work with notes but only to remember small things I want to put into the story or at the very beginning when there's only an idea. But then usually everything comes on its own. By the way, you are allowed float around a bit as long as you do it skillfully. The best prose is made of excessively floating around.
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No. 22264 Kontra
>>22263
*calling herself artist
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No. 22268
>>22262
This. If you want to write like pros, analyze how they do it or get something like "Richtig wissenschaftlich schreiben" from UTB. If you read alot of similar styled text you should be able to get better and already incorporated that style. Writing praxis will work but you need to see a progress after a few months, if not, you are doing something wrong.

>>22263
Not sure if her novel is that generic, as I said, I don't really liked her Schloss Column, the beginning wasn't bad and at least she has some coherence in it even tho the content is nothing special, lame cynism or nihilism.
But maybe the novel is better, even tho the interviewer says the character is one of those tough and cool woman who are pretty much "illusionslos" which could mean that she is cynic and nihilistic but still sad in the end and this is nothing special with people in their 20s anymore. I want to read the novel nonetheless to get that art scene vibes delivered. Did you listen to the whole interview?

The allusion to Kafka she makes with her title reminds me of how special his writing was and how Deleuze & Guattari analyze it. I want such madness in my writings. No cynism, something that really stands out from the crowd, fresh and intense. No intention to duplicate Kafka, that would be boring and not a good aim. But what is it that makes his writing so special. Can one extract parts of Kafkas poetology for the 21st century?
I really like this toolbox philosophy that is mentioned in the beginning of A Thousand Plateaus by deleuze & Guattari. Take what works and built your box of tools.

When I looked at my older writings I found a passage where I was wondering if it was a dream or an image I had in my mind. because these are the best scenes far off from "reality". I don't remember my dreams but I know many writers take them as inspiration and ofc they have a lot of potential since the differ greatly from daytime consciousness.
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No. 22269
I think my brain is rewiring itself to enjoy work or something.
Whenever I'm lazing off, I just feel meh and shitty. If I somehow manage to force myself to do some work, I end up feeling mildly fulfilled in the end, even if the work itself wasn't fruitful or all that meaningful in the end. Just something about getting the brain out of low energy mode. I just need to get addicted to this positive reinforcement.

Or, the opposite, to stop thinking too much and focus on something. Gotta use work as escapism. Thinking never got me anywhere. At least this way, I can keep my ego-self happy. I'm on two levels of separation of the self right now. Disassociation with one's body, and disassociation with one's mind. Just like how one must treat one's own body as an object in one's care, so must be done for the lower mind, the realms of personality, emotion and identity. Foster it like one would a pet.

I don't think I, the overself can ever find fulfillment through my futile attempts at achieving gnosis, but least I can do is to prevent my other selves from suffering. the world seems so small when thinking in those terms. maintain the mechanism of your mind and body, guide your narrative self through its story, so that they can reach contentment. but the contentment of my body, mind and character do nothing to alleviate the existential anxieties of my overself. i wish there was a more pure existence, than the worldly, the emotional, and the historical.

also, I haven't slept this night and am having a depersonalization episode. neurons misfiring left and right. i feel a certain feeling I can not express.
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No. 22271
It rained today, and it'll rain tomorrow. The balcony is a mess, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't sit outside and read. (It's filled with boxes.)
Though I'm starting to realise what I need to do to be able to feel at peace. I have to leave my phone as far away from my room as possible. That way I was able to finish reading Hunger before lunch. (Though I intentionally postponed lunch until two o' clock just so that I could say I did it before lunch, which at the demand of my sister was pizza I made.)

Turns out I'd only have one class tomorrow, and I'm not going to go in. I have one extra day to read that Ibsen play, study Hanzis (I've hit a wall with those, just like with everything in my life it seems), study chemistry and to take a gander at the Iliad. (It's lovely how I made a list of what I want to read, 17 books. I'm already at 17, but only three are ticked off from the list.)

The end of the year exams are coming, and I have to think about an essay topic for my Ethics class, but I think I'll just bite my finger, and pick one of the default options the teacher will give out. (And because I'm a reckless, smug retard, I'm going to pick Redpill culture.)
I have a feeling that that essay will be five hand written pages long again, just like the "introduction" I wrote for Chinese philosophy. (For which I was berated when I said that it's a simple, straightforward topic. Smooth sailing and relaxing to write about.)
People don't take too kindly if you say something is overly easy.

My life is hopelessly boring and meaningless. Fuck cellphones and fuck the rain.
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No. 22274
Decided against going after the women. I'm looking for a wife but their aren't many options most of them are sluts thus I turned to the countryside.
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No. 22278
>>22268
I've read the whole interview, yes. It just seems relentlessly boring to me. Might also be the case though because I'm quite exasperated about the constant sexual content in art.
Just lately I've got to know about an "art project" at a local "arts school" where some so called arts student developed a website where you can order lollipops made after the shape pf your vulva. Yes, those are the times we live in. Obviously there was no second floor to it. One might argue that licking a sugar version of your own genitalia might be a soemwhat witty commentary on narcissism in our culture but no it was just about "sexual freedom and our pussies are beautiful :)".
Sure, you had the decadents like Mirbeau or later Bataille writing erotic literature but back then it was still exciting, the latter sent his Story of the Eye to only a handful of readers.

Okay, the author in your interview admits that there is no real thrill beyond depicting sexuality anymore. But she doesn't seem to breka boundaries now and actually do something tough and unusual, maybe a novel that doesn't depict sexuality at all? (At least not in an implicit way)

I can't tell you much about Kafka's poetology. But if you really want to get behind it and learn from it in an intrinsic way, you need to read. Re-read whatever novel or work of him you liked the most. At least that's what Fontane recommended for a writer to learn from his chosen master iirc. Haven't done it myself yet because I'm too wildly busy reading all kind of stuff but I do plan to do so.

But anyways, it's more important to write at all. Don't you carry around the intent to do so for a while now? Maybe you should just do it instead of indulging in further speculations about what it should or could be like.
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No. 22284
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B91tozyQs9M
After seeing this I realize many men without gfs are simply lazy
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No. 22285
>>22274
You should find a gf, you are going about it wrong thinking I need to find a wife.
Be easier if you had social groups which did activities and a church.
Just remember that wife you find will put on 50lbs
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No. 22289
>>22285
Listen i am looking for a wife I looked in the countryside for 7 hours yesterday.
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No. 22290
>>22278
>Don't you carry around the intent to do so for a while now? Maybe you should just do it instead of indulging in further speculations about what it should or could be like.

Not really want to write a novel/prose. There is an urge which is good, but it's very small. I'm more interested in developing theory and you need to get a certain level to really write sophisticated about it and so far I'm reading and also writing in uni, which is my only training. I'm reading a bit of prose on the side all the time but an idea or whatever for writing something down is not really existent, just one thing. I could start over an over again with that idea until I got something valuable tho.

The art school thing is lame yes, but I wouldn't conclude it's the same for every art school in the country, isn't it a more provincial one? What I don't get is the constant force of beautiful pussies, do men ramble about ugly pussies so much? Afaik many men like to slurp pussies and loose their mind over a girl so much that they don't care about a pussies shape. Well woman worry about their body constantly and it's not something natural but a learned behavior. I guess that's the freedom they try to achive. I don't have a fancy for explicit political art tho. But your twisted interpretation on it is good.
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No. 22292
>>22274
Are you the same Ernst who created this thread?
>>22082
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No. 22294
>>22292
Yep
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No. 22297
It's all fine and dandy that I've announced that it'll rain tomorrow. So of course it was sunny today. Though it was cold.
Not that it matters. The balcony is still full of boxes, so it's hopeless to go and read there.

I had a terrible headache when I woke up, which refused to go away, so I didn't read that Ibsen play. Opted to watch a German Let's play of Hearts of Iron to brush up on my skills a bit.

Then I went over to my maths teacher's to study for a bit. That went quite well. Thinking about it, I haven't left the house in like 4 days.

When I got home, I had to assemble a desk my mother and my sister bought. I actually started composing this post before that. It took around maybe two hours. I like family programmes like this. It's full of sick banter, and turns into a contest of wits.

I hope tomorrow I can get more things done. It's like my life is turning into a formless mess.
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No. 22298
You guys ever get into this state of mind, where the funny quality of thing is amplified a hundredfold, and you just want to laugh?
It's lovely.
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No. 22300
>>22289
Hehe, maybe she was at work or school.
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No. 22307
>>22298
Yes I have I think it's when you become so weak you develop a nervous laugh and realize it's better to laugh than to cry.
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No. 22315
I can't for the life of me concentrate on anything.
This "freedom" is killing me. I haven't done a single thing that's worthwhile in the past 7 days. I just sit here, degrading myself.

The conclusion is that I need to reclaim that balcony as soon as possible. It's still full of boxes.

Tomorrow I'll have classes properly, since the upperclassmen finished writing their maturas. I also have to pick up two packages. So at least I'll leave the house finally.
I managed to burn some money on another book on the Nietzsche-Dostoevsky subject.

The problem is, that it feels like I don't have a plan, and not having one feels like as if there was no ground under my feet. You just sort of float in an endless three dimensional space, while in the fourth dimension, the dimension of time, you inevitably go forward.
It's like someone keeps pulling the rug from under my feet, making me do strange, slow-moting backflips.

I wanted to read the Iliad, I even had it sitting on my little desk, Homer's portrait looking angry at me, "Why haven't you read the foundational piece of Western literature yet, pseud?". (Even if he was blind, his eyes still pierce.)
Managed to get through two pages, I sneezed, then put it back on the shelf.

When my mother came home, she gave me two 5000Huf bills for some strange reason.
>"This, what for? My two pretty eyes?"
It's probably connected to the new desk my sister got. She thinks I might feel "left out".
Now I feel fucking guilty for taking that money, though I could use it to get the Landmark edition of Caesar's works. Shit would be so cash to use.
Also thought about getting a copy of the Nart-saga, but that one is "expensive", and seems to be of dubious quality, though I might just be paranoid and untrusting towards "nationalists" when it comes to facts. (I have no idea what they translated it from.) Irrelevant.

Tomorrow I'll have to hand in the volunteering form for the end of the year exams. I'll have two empty classes, so I'll try working on the translation, and studying Mandarin really hard.

I can still try reading that fucking Ibsen play I have to. I read the name of the characters aloud, and then stopped. I'm just completely uninterested, and I feel stuck. That's why I'm going to read another Dostoevsky novel after I'm done with it. I might not have an immediate goal, but I now have a reason to force my way through it. I can "reward" myself with a "treat".

/Weltschmerz
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No. 22318
I feel like shit.
I've been procrastinating and sleeping too much, the client is getting annoyed with my poor performance.

Also, I had the weirdest fucking dream. I was walking at night, when the night sky turned purple, I could see stars, constellations and space gas clouds very vividly. Then a huge celestial object appeared, and I instantly knew that it was Saturn. Runes, pentagrams, symbols appeared in the night sky.

Somebody asked me what was going on, and I tried to explain that the end times are near, but I couldn't utter a word because I suddenly couldn't breathe.

I could probably point at Electric Wizard for inspiring this dream, lol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-1RnTm31ng
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No. 22319
168 kB, 962 × 729
I was taking notes for my paper the last 2h and then the cable of my laptop got plugged of. Nearly all my notes are gone even tho I press ctrl+s after every note. What the fucking fuck I'm so fucking mad right now, wasted 2.5h and the notes were quite good, I even had ideas I noted down on the side.

But you know what?
Then it came to my mind that I had the other notes appointed to another article in the book I was doing an excerpt of. It's all there and now I will finally eat something because I haven't had much today and it's getting on my mood.
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No. 22321
101 kB, 657 × 527
>>22319
You should do important work on stable systems.

t. tremendously helpful person giving helpful advise
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No. 22322
197 kB, 736 × 888
>>22321
I only have my laptop and the batteries are broken, so I'm left to use the cable nonstop and the problem with that really is that the plug is not fitting tight anymore.

A quote from Henry Miller I found in a work of Deleuze & Guattari, made me think of the discussion in the literature thread and all the art discussions we sometimes have.

>From the little reading I had done I had observed that the men who were most in life, who were moulding life, who were life itself, ate little, slept little, owned little or nothing. They had no illusions about duty, or the perpetuation of their kith and kin, or the preservation of the State [...] The phantasmal world is the world which has never been fully conquered over. It is the world of the past, never of the future. To move forward clinging to the past is like dragging a ball and chain.
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No. 22330
251 kB, 857 × 1134
I fucked up tremendously, so I had to read The Wild Duck for tomorrow.
Fuck, I thought I’ll get a good night’s sleep, but no, I spent two hours reading the thing.
Then tomorrow, instead of working on my beloved translation, or studying the magnificent hanzis, I’ll be writing a lowly book report.
Now the only “trap” I coulf fall into is if I forgot about a maths test, and if that’s the case, I think I’ll just throw in the towel and jump out the window. That, or just go home. Probably the latter.
I’m a failure.
Five hours of sleep, here I come! This undeserving whiny nobody is here to claim five hours and a few measly minutes!
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No. 22333
>>22318
Interesting dream. I've just been entering the void again lately. Not bad but not indaresting neither.
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No. 22342
2,9 MB, 3740 × 2740
752 kB, 1442 × 1080
Well, today wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I failed to complete the book report during that 1.5 hour break. I only produced a a single page's worth of material, all of it relating to the characters and their relations to one another. The point was to have it be written with a lot of details, so when I have to look through it for the matura, I'll know instantly what I'm looking at, without having to re-read the text itself.
I'll probably waste another page or two on the philosophical contents.

Talked with my ethics teacher about the upcoming exams. She gladly accepted my proposal to write about the "Redpill culture".
>"I might even steal your writing for next year's classes"
>"So you expect this essay to offer serious insight into the topic?"
>"You ought to know more than me on this subject."
Lovely. It'll be lovely. It'll be such a fucking meme.

Discussed Hunger with my history teacher. He found my conclusions unsurprising.
>Try re-reading once you moved out and have to support yourself
Seems logical.
He also gifted me an old copy of The Counterfeiters, and informed me that a book outlet had copies of the Chinese novella collection I've been looking for for sale at a tolerable price. (3 Euroshekels for a 500 page hard-cover book.)

I made a rant against monolingual people at the library.

Walked around the city in the rain. All the street vendors' carts were closed.
Finally picked up that baroque Hungarian epic about George Rákóczi II.
Then I went into the outlet, (since it was midway between the two stores where I had my packages.) and bought the novellas, plus an ancient Chinese handbook on divination, but only because it was the price of a cheeseburger.
There is a special kind of atmosphere to Budapest in the rain. You walk around, you get wet, and then go inside an old house from the monarchy era, only to find little shops hidden inside homes once inhabited by the middle classes of the 19th and pre-WWI society.
And there is always a little square, every house is a square shaped donut, with the sun shining into the middle, the rain falling freely, and you look up, and it's old, dirty architecture, 3-4 storeys worth of it.
Also finally picked up that book on Nietzsche and Dostoevsky.
On my way back to the metro station, I checked out the only street vendor's stock, who was actually open. The guy was standing under a bridging used by the workers during renovations.
His wares were really lackluster. I pitied the guy a bit, but I didn't by anything, since the good things he had, I already own.
I gotta step it up, because I'm burying myself with my backlog.

Anyway, I got totally drenched by the rain, but at least it felt good.

I had to put together a chair when I got home. Never knew I knew all these profanities.

My intention was to watch the third, and final episode of the Read or Die OVA, but I'm so tired, that I think I'll just skip that one. (It's a good OVA, I'd recommend it. A bit of brainless fun, with a cute protagonist.)
The only progress I made today was a 0.3% enhancement of my hanzi skills, and I also read 20 pages of Dostoevsky's The idiot.
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No. 22343
375 kB, 1440 × 1123
>>22342
>There is a special kind of atmosphere to Budapest in the rain. You walk around, you get wet, and then go inside an old house from the monarchy era, only to find little shops hidden inside homes once inhabited by the middle classes of the 19th and pre-WWI society.
And there is always a little square, every house is a square shaped donut, with the sun shining into the middle, the rain falling freely, and you look up, and it's old, dirty architecture, 3-4 storeys worth of it.

Sounds so good. I don't know about eastern Europe tbh but I imagine it the last place on earth where one can live in a building from around 1900 in the city center and actually pay the rent easily because they are seen as "shitty old houses" just like in Germany 45 years ago and nobody want's to live in them and only the poor do or they are not even inhabited at all liek in Westberlin. But then again I would have to learn a language and I don't know the scene. Is there a eastern European (West)Berlin these days?
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No. 22350
I decided to come home early to avoid taking a test. Teacher was fine with it.
Got some administrative matters done, pertaining to next year.

On the bus I overheard the discussion of two university students.
I put away the book to listen to it, because one of them was a student at the Faculty of Eastern Studies. He was talking about having to take a Chinese exam, and he desperately needed a 3 ("Mediocre"), but knows only what carried over from his Japanese classes. He also read aloud some pinyin text hastily, much to the annoyance of the pensioners, and much to the pleasure of my ears.
>"I mean, it's an exam, you should dress properly, for fuck's sake. I always dress properly for my exams, and then you have people take the tests wearing anime T-shirts"
Honestly, if he could get this far, then I have my hopes up, that it's not impossible to learn the language and I'm not just kidding myself.
Overall, it was a positive, and reinforcing experience.

Bought a frozen pizza on the way home.

During classes, I felt pretty fucking smug, mainly because it felt like I knew what I was doing and what I was up against. I think I'm over that low point I felt earlier.
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No. 22367
>>22333
I keep wondering if I am actually split across timelines or dimensions. It isn't just that a lot of things don't make any sense historically in my life. It's the fact that these are a consistent parallel world. Now that you mention dreaming this was at least the third time in months I woke up convinced I had spent a month in low security prison. I don't know why. There's these things I'm convinced of when I wake up then forget about and sometimes the details carry into normal life and that bothers me. I get this eerie distinct feeling like I'm living someone else's life for 8 hours and wonder if when he dreams he thinks of my life. But it's a consistent thing like I will have the same completely meaningless details that have no connection here be thought of as matter or fact. I have tentatively concluded that a parallel dimension of me did something stupid and was unlucky enough to spend a month in jail for it.
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No. 22371
I spent most of the day cleaning. Man, I got so much done. I even managed to reclaim the balcony for myself. My surroundings feel a lot better now.
On the other hand, I didn't get anything "intellectual" done. (In quotation marks, because I don't consider anything I do truly intellectual. I do the base minimum, what everyone should do.)
But at least I have the balcony again. I also fixed the vacuum cleaner. Turns out that they didn't properly assemble it, and left out a part. There is always an IQ89 issue they can't solve.

I also listened to Wagner today. The Ohne Worte version of the Ring. I think it just clicked. It's magnificent. I can actually see as Wotan bids farewell to the sleeping Brünhilde.
https://files.catbox.moe/l8g3e6.rar
Get it while it's hot, this shit is fucking fire.

And I think I just had the first "good" beer of my life. It's not "amazing", but it doesn't have that disgusting aftertaste most beers have.
Though I still don't see how you could drink 6 litres of this and live.
>>
No. 22376
Woke up from sleep paralysis.
Fuck that shit man.

Also, I'm bothered by the fact that I have forgotten most of my life and some very important experiences that I kind of need in the future.

Why is my memory so fucked, I wonder. Also, it's kind of weird that I only remember stuff when I'm dreaming. When I'm awake, I feel too distracted with my own thoughts to remember anything.
>>
No. 22391
Now that I am maniacal from sleep deprivation, I'm starting to miss schizosis.

I am once again feeling anxious over the loss of my own previous identities. I can not recapture the mind-state that I used to be in during those times when I'd wander the commieblock district at 4 AM thinking saturnine thoughts. Sometimes I dream about being a child again, and distinctly feel the way being a child felt, at that time. Then I wake up, and can't evoke that experience again. It is endlessly frustrating and frightening.

Losing the diary I've been writing for the past few years doesn't help either. And I kind of miss my schizomaniacal episodes. The ability to see hidden meaning and significance behind every minute detail, I miss it.
>>
No. 22393
>>22391
I dunno man. I feel similarly sometimes with dealing with decision paralysis. Too many times I feel like I'm making the wrong decision based on what I should like due to what I have liked before while the other option is at the current moment more interesting. It's also a source of my many failed endeavours. Something more interesting comes up and destroys my ability to make decisions regarding either the new or the old.

As Confucius say: shit's fucked. I guess that speaking strategically, the right thing to do is to work with what the current reality of the situation is. If you treat your plans like a rigid stick, then said stick comes and fucks you in the arse. That's a matter of do as I say and not as I do though, so grain of salt and all that.
>>
No. 22394
>>22393
The actual answer is disgustingly simple, at least in my mind: act according to current rational analysis and your ethics, moral principles, and seek an outcome that is "right", rather than what would be enjoyable for you.

The problem is that acting purely out of rational decisions and denying yourself experiences that don't align with those decisions seems like a very sterile way to live. Living not for yourself, not for others, but for a set of abstract ideals, that in the end, nobody but you understands or cares for.
>>
No. 22395
>>22269
Sometimes I wonder if the reason nobody responds to my existential schizo ramblings is because everyone is too intimidated by my high IQ gnostic insights, or because I'm a brain damaged lunatic whose incomprehensible gibberish only makes sense to myself.

Or maybe it's because I keep talking about the same shit like a broken record because my life is so uneventful. Yeah, I'm guessing it's this. I need to read a book.
>>
No. 22396
>>22394
Yeah, you ain't wrong. It's close to what's been the way I've been trying to work with though rather than what I am working with. I've been looking at it as what brings me the greatest net benefit based on my current set of preferences and goals and then adjust that value according to the resources available to me for to fulfill those preferences and goals. It's still a pretty sterile cost:benefit look at life but it's aimed not at an ideal but right at number one. It's got problems since goals and preferences shift, but I make a little ground here and there. I'm probably not selling it well with the whole "it's what I use" pitch considering my mental state but it should in theory work for someone else.
>>
No. 22397
One of those rare but regularily appearing sundays when I don't have any food at home (which is normal as I usually either eat at work or at the uni cafeteria) and go out to visit a restaurant on my own. Usually I either stick to the the thai or the turk as those options are the most affordable ones but today I missef the right bus stop and came across an oriental restaurant I alwaya wanted to visit. So I had a whole plate of shawarma, falafel, halloumi etc. for about 8 euros it tasted really good and higher in quality than the places I usually visit. Other than that I will read a bit and visit a friend later on, feels good to have your mind float around freely a bit.
Also I'm about 3/5 through with the report I want to send in until the end of the month, guess I'll be done in a couple of days.
I'm quited excited about the magazine's reaction. A part of the exposé requirements I oversaw though was "sent us the best journalistic article you've written so far, so we can get a short impression of your writing style". They usually expect you to send out the exposé first and then write the report, I will do both at the same time. I mean, at the end of the day the only journalistic article I've written is my best one, isn't it?
The magazine seems to be quite open to newcomers also the exposé requirements are quite broad and explained in detail. It's not too big but has a decent readership.
>>
No. 22399
>>22395
Mostly it's that I can't think of anything to respond with I guess it's a bit of column a and a bit of column b.

We've had the idea tossed around before. We lead fairly cyclical lives, you and I. We tend to swing back and forth between states of mind semi-regularly. When two people like us shoot as much shit as we have, we tend to have talked about virtually every aspect of those semi-regular mental cycles at least once. Maybe I should just put more effort into responding in the future. Can't hurt to have a similar yarn. Might even unearth some ebin new insight. Who knows?
>>
No. 22405
I'd say today was very good. The garden is coming along nicely. I cleared another plot of land, all by myself, just to surprise my mother.

I read two chapters from The Idiot, and a short Chinese novella. Honestly, The Idiot is a lot less charming so far than C&P. Dostoevsky writing about aristocrats just feels so out of character. Though now that I think about it, the first few chapters of C&P weren't all that charming either.
I'll keep soldiering on, none the less.
Had tremendous amounts of fun with the novella. It felt magical. What a shame I have no idea what it's called in English or Chinese.
Writings like these make me remember why I try learning the language.

Currently working on the book report. I sort of forgot about it yesterday, only to suddenly remember it before falling asleep. Then I forgot about it today, and I just remembered it.
Not like it matters. I just have to write a good summary of the plot now, and the edition I have has a detailed summary in it, so I'll just re-work that. There is no need for anything revolutionary, the goal is to produce something useable.

I think it's time to add new flashcards to the deck. I haven't made new ones in ages. Originally I wanted to bring my dictionary and the textbook with me to make them on my phone during my two empty classes, but it seems quite idiotic now.
I'll probably just study for my upcoming tests instead.

>>22397
What matters is that you get published for the first time. It must be a dream come true that you are able to get your writings out to the public trough a traditional media outlet.
>>
No. 22408 Kontra
Okay, I failed to finish the fucking thing yet again. Let's hope the deadline isn't tomorrow.
I'm going to get so little sleep, I can feel that tomorrow will be horrible.
My work-ethic is completely fucked.
>>
No. 22409
>>22399
Ah, sorry, that wasn't a request to start responding to my inane shit.
I genuinely want to start making somewhat interesting, discussion worthy posts as a way of widening my horizons. So the goal here is to make reply worthy posts, rather than having people reply to them, if that makes sense.
Which made me think about how it is virtuous to change the world by changing yourself, rather than trying to change the world directly. The former makes you a better person in some way, the latter robs you of that opportunity to improve.

"The destination is important, but even more important, is the path you take" - Abai dropping some truth bombs. "The ends justify the means" is pretty much a bullshit statement, my dude. There is meaning in the process, not just the outcome.

also, wasn't there a concept in physics or mathematics that multiple initial conditions and paths can reult in the same outcome, basically rendering it impossible to retrieve that information about the initial state? and also there was the other way around equivalent, that there are systems in which even knowing the initial state and all of the rules, the future state of the system is impossible predict without outright simulating the whole system, which is equivalent to simply watching it happen

i just woke up and I think I burned my throat from smoking too much during sleep deprived mania
>>
No. 22425
>>22409
Well I can't help you pick a topic to read about since making worthwhile posts is about genuine interest more than anything, but if you bounce some ideas around as they come to you, I might have something lying around to point you towards. I've read about a lot of different things in my time. Comes with the fixating mindset territory.
>>
No. 22428
Despite only sleeping for 5 hours, I think I just had one of the best days in a long-long time.
I managed to study my hanzis, read some Dostoevsky, and I also managed to finally complete the book report.

I had two empty classes. Half of the first one was spent on writing the report, during the other half the girl I think likes me came up to me with a smile and sat besides me. We spent a good 30 minutes talking.
She wants me to look through her poetry. I gladly obliged.
Our little chit-chat was broken up by a teacher who needed the desk for a meeting, so she went to class, and I went down to the buffet in search of a power outlet for my laptop.
Before going down, I drank all the tea I had on me, and I felt really good, but at the buffet I ordered a coffee. It was like a reflex. I ordered it, picked it up, with my hands already shaking from that half a litre of tea, and I downed the cup. The rest of the day was spent in a caffeinated daze.
The report ended up being 4 pages long. Hopefully it's good. I had no literature class today, but I handed it in anyway, because I couldn't handle having a finished product on hand and not handing it in. Besides, it was already printed out, so it was too late to look for errors.

I did pretty well during all the classes. History class was especially good. We just started talking about the background of WW1, and there was a ton of literature mentioned. Two I already read. Anyway, that was fun, really fun.
I even managed to help out one time, by naming Ortega y Gasset as the philosopher who wrote one of the books.
Lenin's Popular outline of imperialism was brought up. That was also pretty enjoyable. I read the book last year, so I already knew what points the teacher will bring up in relation to it.
>"Of course Lenin is the devil himself so they don't mention things like these :^)"
Top lel tier.

No idea why I feel so good. I just do. There is still a test to prepare for, but I don't care. I'll just get on with it.
It's like I'm a demigod.
>>
No. 22432
>>22405
>What matters is that you get published for the first time.
Well, nothing is won yet and I only sent it to the Morgenbladet magazine I was mentioning a few minutes ago after finishing it last night and writing the Exposé today.
I already feel my heart beating faster when I'm only thinking about seeing their response in my mail account. Chance of rejection is high for I am a literary and literal nobody, but then again the chance to be a positive suprise is high as well and they're looking for unusual stories. I'll try not to get too involved with everything and just continue working on my novel until I get some feedback from them. If they turn me down, I'll take the time and sent it in elsewhere after regarding their criticism.

Other than that I had a quite calm day, visited my companies bureau to subscribe some papers, ate at the uni cafeteria and cleaned my room a bit.
Will spend the evening watching a movie and reading. I'll have to work the next two days so leisure time is ending again.

>>22428
>She wants me to look through her poetry. I gladly obliged.
It's the other way round for me, hs crash lately emphatically asked me to send her my novel when it's done. Telling her that it's roughly gonna take a year until it's somewhere near done, I consoled her with promising to send some passages instead of an unfinished work. Now I feel anxious about it. Just today I've read a passage in Ernst Jüngers Autor und Autorschaft, a collection of aphorisms on being an author, and he mentioned Hamsun writing to a friend about how crushed he felt when critics wrecked his "Victoria". I can imagine the pain but not being understood by someone who I hold dear is a way bigger fear of mine. A few simple words of her concerning that I should send her a few "exciting passages" makes it only worse. Sure there are exciting passages, my first reader and critic even found the whole novella so exciting that he read it in one go, but I can't know what she sees as exciting. Maybe I should send her the unfinished work instead in a whole? I mean, passages without context sort of suck and cannot be too exciting.
>>
No. 22434
I helped with the shopping. Bought a flatbread at Tesco. It was total ass. I don't know what I expected. Honestly, I want to throw up just thinking about the damn thing.

I'm totally tired now, and I haven't studied yet. I don't know if I'll manage. I'm totally dead, and I've wasted all this time, listening to music and staring at the screen out of pure tiredness.
I want to cry. Just how I wanted to cry when I saw a bunch of Arabs in the local Tesco. (Though some of them turned out to be gypsies, for they spoke something approximately resembling Hungarian, and they also had pork sausages in their carts.)

>>22432
Think more along the lines of sending her an interesting segment instead. Unless your writing is based around a prose related gimmick, then a passage isn't much of value. Send her enough text so that it shows not only the prose, but also how the events and time progresses/works in your work.

It was surprising that she actually asked me to read her poems. She started smiling as soon as she saw me sitting at the table, and nonchalantly sat down next to me on the sofa.
>>
No. 22435
Okay, I'm going to postpone the test one last time. One God damn time.
It's just like last year. I postponed chemistry related tests for so long, that my conscience literally didn't let me sleep by the end.
>>
No. 22439
Fug, so much excitement in such a late hour.
I sent her some passages and after talking a bit throughout the night the following happened.

>I am speechless, how do you do that? I feel honoured that someone as profound as you likes me

I am a person that is too easily flattered anyways but her last words made me dizzy. Answered that "like" is yet an understatement and the frequency of my heartbeat went up to dangerous heights. She answered that she needs to learn liking herself, which wouldn't work at the moment and wished me a good night. Such cases.
>>
No. 22442
106 kB, 1080 × 1108
I got banned from Kohl for saying the 4chan racism is cancer and the purpose of Kohl is to make us more whiny and Jewish. I didn't say racism is cancer, I said the cringey culture of trolling about race like little kids is cancer and its programming people to fail in the real world.
>>
No. 22445
Sending resumes, getting rejected.

I appreciate this reality check, though. There are things I must work on to be an in demand. Things I should have done sooner.

Or maybe things I wouldn't have to do if I were more responsible in the past and pursued a better career. But at least I have the excuse of being mentally unwell at the time. Re-reading some of my old EC posts and discussions with my video game penpal, I can't help but cringe hard. I was basically dysfunctional, delusional, psychotic and REALLY far up my own ass. Textbook manchild.
>>
No. 22459
I redacted my book report, because I re-read it, and it was full of typos. (As in, I noticed 3-4 right off the bat, and I was so ashamed of myself, I excused myself and said I'll send a better copy by midnight.)

Hanzi progress feels back on track again. I now just randomly take out my phone and solve 10-20 flashcards. Gonna rack up a few more before going to bed. Had to set an exercise cycle to a hundred cards, because it was just giving me a same few ones, if it was set to fifty.

On the way home, I took out my book, and read for a bit. Then a pensioner decided to make a small talk on the á propos of me reading with me. At first it was about his schooldays, then it turned into him propagating an esoteric method for healing and stress release, which he entrusted his life to, when he had throat cancer.

>>22439
What a lovely night it must have been.
>>
No. 22465 Kontra
>>22442
At least you showed them. Is 4chan b online currently? Go and check for me.
>>
No. 22466
>>22445
>Re-reading some of my old...
>cringe hard
I know that feeling. Even without the dysfunctional, delusional, psychotic part, everyone who puts their thoughts on paper takes a risk. Posts, like you mentioned, or diaries and journals, preserve emotional states as well as ideas, and fragments of a metaphorically drunken mind don't always hold up to a sober reading. That seems like a good line, but I may regret it later. Still, I think it's better to write than to let those moments of insight disapear forever. In the posts/discussions you mentioned, you can't know what's going to turn out cringe, and what is worth preserving. So write it all down, and sort it out later. That's what I do. I have stacks of old journals, and even if they are mostly ego-destroying drivel, I occassionally find some good in there. The rest I just shake my head at.

>>22459
>At first it was about his schooldays, then it turned into him propagating an esoteric method for healing and stress release
That sounds like the typical trajectory for a conversation with seniors XX/D. I once had a long talk that started with what I was reading, and ended with what it was like to be a military photographer during WWII. He told me how he got the job because he had experience taking wedding pictures, and soon found himself leaning out of an airplane holding a camera. Sometimes chatting with an old-timer gets pretty interesting.
>>
No. 22468
>>22445
There is nothing bad about cringing at your own posts.
I cring at then the minute after I’ve posted them.
>>
No. 22469
lol b-ok.org no longer allows downloading books
instead they advertise me a VPN service "to protect yourself from expensive lawsuits and fines". Yes, expensive lawsuits for downloading in Russia.
>>
No. 22470
>>22459
At least it was lovely until I started thinking about her words. What does it even mean to be honoured by someone liking you. It sounds like rejection the more I think about it. But then again I didn't ask her about anything (didn't even text her for a week and it was only some casual talk so it even more so came ojt of nowhere), she just dropped it in after all the flattery directed towards me. Lord knows what's going on other than me being as insecure as a regularily beaten dog.
>>
No. 22471
My thoughts got caught up in loops of amorous suffering again. It should have been clear to me that omitting those by just not texting her for a while wouldn't solve anything. Still getting some distance was a good idea. I feel like I'm starting to control my impulsive emotionality and tendency to overreact to every small stimulus a bit better.

Just had to continue working on the novel after it stood still for about a month. Obviously it didn't stood still de facto, I've written a lot of new text in that time but I had yet to integrate it into what I have. Turns out that obivously it's not easy to expand a work on such a dramatical scale as I'm doing it without butchering it. I had to do some fine cuts in a couple of sentences, change single words at the right places and rewrite short passages but seems like it worked out without greater troubles.
What the whole action made me realize though: I need to heavily work through the whole thing again and analyze it, get a bit more conscious about it's structure. Not over-conscious, as I always write quite intuitive and organic but at least conscious. Before it was sort of hazy. It existed but not wholly in the way I had it in my mind. Also there still is this passage where great parts of the plot are pretty much just retold. I'll need to cut it out and replace it with the actual events themselves, which definitely won't be easy.
Good that I got through with the report, so now I can go back to focusing on the novel.

I missed working on it, it's the only thing that really gives me peace. Also soon I'll be around at my hometown more often for birthdays and other events, looking forward to that.
>>
No. 22487
>>22471
I guess reworking novels is a common thing, we don't know what the "geniuses" do but srlsly they are not gods but people like you and me and rework there novels furiously :DDD

I will attend a workshop on Kulturjournalismus soon, so maybe I can come back with some things that could help us in how to approach paid writing. Or least how to write tho you might be more far in that than me already, since I'm deeply in the academic realm while journalism needs a creative potential, reports are based on good writing and not just info and arguments, that potential I would need to develop a bit more and how to get it out in the media.
>>
No. 22492
346 kB, 898 × 878
Yesterday, before going to bed, I took off Kawabata's Handtellergeschichten from the shelf, and I sat down to read it. Mainly to improve on my German. It was a really crushing wake-up call, since I took to the dictionary no less than 20 times just during the first page.
Maybe it's just a "hard" book. I'll try reading something simpler instead. My copy of Deutsche Heldensagen should do it. That's simple enough. It's a retelling for kids, after all.

My day was fine. I studied the hanzis a lot. Truth to be told, I even recognised one on the subway on someone else's bag. Lovely.

I don't think I've enjoyed my classes this much in a very long time. Especially history class.
We're about to start WW1, and the build-up is incredibly fun to hear about.
Last year I recommended my history teacher Jünger's Storm of steel, and this year, he mentioned it as "recommended reading" during class.

So, I've been sleeping 5-6 hours, and yet I'm having the time of my life for whatever reason. Though I look like a zombie before having my first cup of proper tea after the first class.

>>22466
>Sometimes chatting with an old-timer gets pretty interesting.
Yes, but only if they had an adventurous life. Or they know a lot about something. Most old people are just average people, who got old.
A good story I heard by an old man was how he was detained by a police officer in '56 after he got caught trying to join the revolutionaries still persisting in the countryside.
>Can you even fucking aim with a rifle?
>Give me yours and I'll show it!
That's an exciting tale. Throat cancer and using new age methods to heal it is just depressive.

>>22469
Works on my machine, Rusernst. Don't you have the lower button like I do?
>>
No. 22509
One of those nights where even after a long day of exhausting work I still can't fall asleep early. But lately something's changed again, I feel a certain unrest creeping back into me. I have to be completely exhausted physically and mentally before being able to sleep. I need to feel this tingling under the skin of my head when it has had too much.
During a day at work I have so many thoughts, it's probably not healthy anymore. Constant thinking, constant imagined talks, imagined sentences, imagined hypothethical futures.
When I look at and realize what my body is doing, pushing around carts for example, I sometimes feel like I'm awaking from a little afternoon nap or those short, opioid-induced daydreams.
Even more so when I'm in my bed as I am right now. My reality is parted, no it's at least quartered and sometimes it's hard to hold all of them together. I should tone down a bit with the working, the simple, monotonous and effectively boring work I do pretty much forces me to think all the time.
It's a special kind of loneliness I feel. There are people I could talk to but I don't feel the need to most of the time. Then it all keeps coming out suddenly, flowing into this post for example.

After getting home I read a short story by Hermann Stahl, a quite forgotten german writer (he was well known in the 40s and 50s, during the third reich he sort of emigrated into a little village and stayed a literary outsider for the rest of his life, even though being quite acknowledged and productive). It was a quite typical story of the Nachkriegszeit but quite nicely written with some pretty intense imagery at times. Then again some heavily chlicheé kind of sentences, but the beauty overweighed the occasional platitudes. Not to mention the whole post-war theme can quickly get boring once you've read your fair share of it. Sometimes even feels like a certain kind of Kitsch but I guess that's easy to say as someone who couldn't be further away from the feelings you have during and after war times.

https://www.zeit.de/1948/33/fast-lautlos-floss-der-fluss

Also watched Herzog's Cobra Verde, a good movie. Also it was hilarious to read how disgusted the german feuilletion was about it, Karasek must have been in epileptic fits of anger while writing down his critique.
He especially got angry about the part with the massive practicing army of black woman warriors led by Kinski. I liked the scene the most, it was beautifully ecstatic and wild.

>>22487
Nice, I had a workshop in my head as well for this semester but missed signing up for it. I'm still enlisted in uni, so why not use it for my purposes. Not sure though if they'll still accept me if it hasn't already taken place. I'm curious what you'll have to tell about it.
Well, I might be a bit more developed on the creative aspect but therefore the academical one is only developed in a rather autodidactic fashion and I'm wildly eclectic about the sources and knowledge I ingest. Only submitted a single work during the time of my studies and didn't even go to the meeting where it should be talked about. I was appaled from the beginning about following the given academic forms in writing. Sure, you're supposed to transcend them given the time and probably putting yourself through this pain is an important part but I really couldn't be bothered at at the end of the day. Science is just not for me, at least not doing it on my own.
Generally inside journalism it is said though that a scientific education is seen as a standard so theoretically you're better off anyways. Then again a former classmate of mine studied journalism and now works as PR-counselor in a traveling agency.
But as she didn't have any real agenda and visions about what to write and how to do it, it's no surprise to me.
Being succesful in any business probably means finding your niche, I think you've got yours but then again it's a pretty great field already.
When you want to write about theory, don't you have some small students papers in your city? I visited the regular meetings of such a paper years ago and they're probably a good way to start out.
>>
No. 22511
I keep having monitor problems. It will do this weird epilepsy inducing shit of flashing bars and changing colors but only playing one particular game. I am dreaded that it's my video card dying or some other shit that can't be fixed.
>>
No. 22516
>>22511
Are you using HDMI?

If you're still using VGA (for some reason), it might be a connection problem or interference.
If you have HDMI or DVI or Display port, they are digital connections, meaning the artifacts are coming from the GPU.
>>
No. 22517
Happy to be finally having the first proper vacation in years. My mother is equally pleased as this is my mother's day present to her.

Hello Adirondacks
>>
No. 22518
>>22509
>When you want to write about theory, don't you have some small students papers in your city? I visited the regular meetings of such a paper years ago and they're probably a good way to start out.

Yeah, they exist student papers, but one is theme based and the other is only literature more or less. The problem is that I could have some ideas but they are broad and I never develop them further. Theory is quite a difficult field that needs lots and lots of readings, ofc for a paper you can be done with a few articles or a book. But writing professionally you have to know your fair share of it in general. I never wrote about theory alone, always applied to a topic. I have this paper about current nostalgia and Walter Benjamin, when an idea strucks it can be very good. The Ästhetik of the old BRD interests me since I watched old Aktenzeichen XY and read the BRD Noir. That's not professional history but it's a starter on a mature academic topic. Tho for Kulturjournalismus you could take a thing from that and develop it again, without being too professional about in an academic fashion.

Your other stuff reminds me of my younger me. I don't know whats going on with me these days, I still have problems but I don't know, it's like I'm dulled of thinking over the years. Cannot even say I'm really depressed anymore. At least it took another form. Nothing special ever happens besides hyped feelings from reading. I badly want a woman in my life again but I'm not actively doing anything, probably chickend out from a date with a course mate but then again I was never really much attracted to her even tho I like her somehow. I began writing with a former college from work, lets see what will happen, probably nothing.
>>
No. 22523
155 kB, 1920 × 1080
>tfw completed reworking two chapters of the translation today
We're back in business, baby. On the contrary, I dropped two glasses today. So I might not be back in business.
Besides a few little factual and stylistic errors, there isn't much to clean up. I only had to re-write one sentence.

I'm really starting to feel Dostoevsky's Idiot. It picks up speed around chapter 10 or so, and I actually laughed out loud while reading it on the bus.

I just made some tea (The strong as fuck shit from Yunnan that turns your insides yellow, not the mellow Earl Grey), and I'll try reading some German tonight. A retelling of Germanic myths might be closer to my level. At least closer than Kawabata.
Then I'll prepare for the fucking test I've been postponing for more than two months.
For some reason I feel better and more productive, and I have no fucking idea why. The output of the system changed, but I can't pinpoint the new variable.
What matters, is that I feel almost heroic for some reason. Might be a side effect of listening to those Wagner-highlights over and over again.

While I can't give any constructive criticism to the German Ernst for my lack of experience with anything, I still wish them good luck.
>>
No. 22527
I have the thought that my life might be too comfortable and that this is impacting my personal development. I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say that having things together can be a motivation killer and the perfect conditions for habits to takeover. The observation has been around for awhile but an article on Ribbonfarm (kudos to whoever suggested it) really got me thinking about whether I might be trapped:
https://www.ribbonfarm.com/2019/05/08/predictable-identities-9-how-to-change/

I've always been someone who needs stress and now a rage has been bubbling in me for how passive my life seems to be. Something for me to chew on some more I think but then I'm not sure I can follow the advice in the article about setting my life on fire. There's lesser stuff I can do maybe.
>>
No. 22535
187 kB, 750 × 989
I'm sitting on a interdisciplinary catapult, white crystalline crumbles of theory and fiction (which also means: art).

Reading about the CCRU again with ever greater interest, while sinking deeper into my lecture of the Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze & Guattari. I'm not sure what to do with the inhumane and procapitalist gesture of the CCRU, not interested in the occultist ingredients much. Yet I'm asking myself how to activate those intensities again in another direction, how is it possible to follow their path but take another route along the way to make space for something new, which nobody is having on their radar so far. A new anticipation of the future.
Why do we never get rid of the Trümmer der Geschichte, being benjaminate angels. I have to take note of those ruins of the past in order to built my own conclusions for the future. Is that really inevitable?
Thinking about it, it really can be said that books and texts are energy machines that are plugged into an energy machine (me). Intensity of intensity.

My god, I really hope that books and texts of that sort never run out of supply, as it feels that I found a substance substitution in them.
>>
No. 22549
>>22527
>zeal of converts
Actually the one thing I'm pretty sure is known for being a warning sign politically is exactly this, namely because what's being looked for is longterm stability and loyalty in some areas. It is well known everywhere from law enforcement to high politics that you simply cannot trust a turncoat, and this is partly why the Soviets did shit like the lining up everyone to be shot who was a previous "true believer" useful idiot.

For starters, a person who was raised in a religion or ideology takes it for granted, yes, but it remains an integral part of their identity. You can strip it by brainwashing, or have them rebel against it, but it forever remains their central reference point, even in their own rebellion. It's the "you can take the tribesman out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tribesman" type of thing.

This is also partly due to the Alcibiades effect. Well, except that Alcibiades may have never been sincere. The problem with a sincere convert is they approach the new personal order with a sense of boundless enthusiasm, sure, but that enthusiasm is often bound up in their own naivete and idealism also. The result of this is going to be that they also tend to kickback way harder when they become more jaded and self aware, and become more jaded and aware they absolutely will eventually. This is different from the Machiavellians and the cynics who at least start out that way, or clearly understand the difference between the ideal and what is, or in Soviet terms "we are still building Communism" as opposed to the Western Communist convert who will sooner or later be shocked by reality and the actual which is mired in cynicism. They will, at best, end up trying to "reform" or transform the movement/ideology from within.

It's a bit of a tangent in relation to that, but is also directly related because the longer and harder you rebel against yourself, the sharper you're eventually going to take a dive into being who you once really were and fundamentally still are on some level. The process of self transformation is gradual. Trying to use that type of convert's zeal is more likely to amount to a flash in the pan and a fart on the wind in the long term. This is why it also matters politically as well as self improvement wise, because you want long-term gains and stable dividends, not the sort of absolutely reckless investment strategy of a person trying to psych themselves up to doing something without laying the basic groundwork.
>>
No. 22551
Today was very good. I did the usual faire.
When I got home, I reinstalled Mount&Blade, and I ended up playing it for five hours.
With the medieval mod of course. I wanted to play as a Rheinland Junker, so I travelled there from Milan, and while looking for work, I wandered over into Denmark, where I was promptly killed by pirates. So at the first chance I fled south and became a nobleman in Hungary instead.
I don't remember the game being this much fun.
My thirst for heroism has been quenched.

>>22535
Is accelerationism actually a thing with a solid theoretical founding?
It seems so strange and out there to me. So memetic.
It didn't stop me from namedropping it during one of my english exams
>>
No. 22552
>>22551
>Is accelerationism actually a thing with a solid theoretical founding?

There are various opinions on what it is and how to pursue it. It has theoretical/philosophical groundings. The CCRU tho also crossed the border into other territory including gothic, it's theoryfiction, it's not normal philosophy anymore, not science. A friend told me gothic has to do with the 'outside' which they are were looking for somehow back then and some members and readers (blogs) still use the gothic knowledge in their works.

Simon Reynolds wrote an article about the CCRU in 1999, worth a read if you want to know more about this unit, many old members are/were in academia or publish books anyway.

https://energyflashbysimonreynolds.blogspot.com/2009/11/renegade-academia-cybernetic-culture.html

This article could also be called accelerationistic but it's not inspired by a Landian/CCRU reading of the world

https://www.e-flux.com/journal/96/245507/what-begins-after-the-end-of-the-enlightenment/
>>
No. 22557
1,1 MB, 900 × 681
That feel when sitting at the top of the long drop down from autistic fixating mindset/hypomania. I'm getting a bit anxious about it tbh. I can tell that the collapse of my mindset is not far out but I don't know exactly when, and also have no real desire for my current ability to not feel like crap (even if I'm unproductive) to ennd.
>>
No. 22560
I came home from work with a plastic tray of Chinese food. Walking by the waiting cars in front of a red light there was a van. I first spot it's for a political party, then I see it's for a female European parliament member, her upper body and a euro flag printed on the outside. I unintentionally look inside and the RL version of the van print smiles at me a big smile. Not sure if it was honest or a politicians smile, it was really using all face muscles rather heavily and it was very surprising. Anyway I didn't smile back since it was rather akward. But just seconds later I felt a small guilt for disappointing her evening, because I don't value her political work or beang a human bean. It was a bright sundown, the day all shiny and then this.
The chinese food wasn't hot spiced as I expected from the extra brackets behind the dish noting that it would be.
>>
No. 22561
I think I just played Mount&Blade for 10 hours. This is incredible. (I mean, it WOULD be incredible if I haven't doomed the realm I pledged allegiance to by raiding a caravan at the start of the game. You choices indeed have adverse effects on the outcome of the game.)

I didn't want to do much because of the headache I woke up with. I did re-read the Fourth Adventure from the Nibelungenlied. It's the one where Siegfried defeats the Saxons.
>>
No. 22562
For the first time since my sobriety I'm over at my hometown with my friends from school.
Really it's not less fun than drunk even though they're all drinking lots of liquor. It's even a bit more fun because I'm not completely loaded like I used to get with them.
At the same time I'm missing it the most here, it's always a very special mood. Like, we're all gone through all kinds of different shit together and are a very tight clique. Drinking here is like something deeply spiritual.
Anyways I'll go back to drinking at least a reasonable amount of beer and wine soon. Liquor only at 3 or 4 times a year. Also only drinking at actual events, not just every week for no reason.
>>
No. 22563
>>22560
>Disappointed her
I'd wager in a few hours she wouldn't even remember the "incident" or your face. Even if she wanted to. Even with a "position", she is still a human being (Thought you might argue that politicians have left behind what we call humanity for better or worse). You met for a few seconds on a street, while she was sitting in a car.
Let me tell you, yesterday I saw an exceptionally pretty girl on the bus. It was almost love at first sight. A slim body with just enough curves to not make her look too boyish. And the giant pink teddy bear and the skateboard she carried only added to the effect.
Now you see, while I wanted to remember her face, for it was pretty, when I close my eyes, I fail to remember a single detail about her besides her style, which I only remember, because it intersected with my tastes.
People on the street are completely fucking meaningless.
Ignore the beggars, and give musicians playing classical instrument some pocket change.

Though I can't blame you, I'd feel bad too if such a thing were to happen to me.
>>
No. 22573
So the party that they didn't want to win won the election so my sister and her bf blame me because I don't vote on the basis of mandatory voting being tyrannical and the fact that I don't want to support it or a system where politicians just have to convince me to vote for them instead of having to convince me to even part with my vote at all.

Also, rate Australian 'representative government' where you can cop a fine for not voting for one of the sanctioned parties.
>>
No. 22574
>>22573
It would be nice without the sanctioned parties honestly. The elections in this country are actually decided by a small fraction of voters. I think it's super low like below 50%
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voter_turnout_in_the_United_States_presidential_elections
yeah it usually hovers around 50%. If this were an African country it would be called a fucking fucked up kangaroo court bullshit corrupt undemocratic system. And of course the biggest segments of voters are fat boomer retards who watch Fox "news" hence part of our constantly having the most idiotic policies. Said fat retarded fucking boomers who swing elections are also a major factor in why we have muh Israel among other things. Frankly I wish people were forced to vote here, and that we had a multiparty system so we could avoid the absolute shit show that was 2016. We only even almost cracked a whopping 60% turnout purely because both candidates were so shit and so divisive it motivated a whole 10% to get off their asses purely out of anger.
>>
No. 22575
>>22574
>I wish people were forced to vote here
Do you really think it would help? Well, tell you what, I am an employee of a public company, so there's a non-zero possibility that I will be fired if I don't go to vote in elections (all of them, from the presidential ones, which I can figure out more or less, to the local council elections, which only make me wonder who the fuck are all these people when I see the ballot), and same applies for uni students, although in that case the leverages are a bit different, like being thrown out of a dorm or flunked out at an exam. But guess what, whenever I go to vote, I still either vote nobody or just fuck the ballot up (and yes, I did draw a penis on a ballot once, with swastikas around it), so the obligatory voting doesn't change much. If people aren't interested in politics or if they don't really believe that politicians can change things for better, then they wouldn't care who to vote for.
>>
No. 22578
>>22574
Except it makes the moronic mistake of forgetting that a vote for no party is a vote in itself. I find no party or MP that represents me to my satisfaction. Therefore I will not vote for any of them. If they want me to vote for them, they can convince me it's worth my damn time. Under mandatory voting, an informed decision to not support their incestuous system is made a crime and is thus an act of disenfranchisement. I simply fail to see how that is not a fundamental and crass infringement of my right to free conscience. Besides, even with our many parties and independents, it was still about 90% of the voting population that voted for the big two. Making us vote doesn't change squat in that regard. Remember the famous quote, "if voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal". Making it compulsory seems the opposite to me.

I mean shit, I half hope that they do fine me so I can ignore it and make them take me to court. Even if I lose, it's a short sentence for me and makes them look really fucken bad.
>>
No. 22581
Is there a sudden drop in posts.
>>
No. 22583
1003 kB, 480 × 272, 0:19
>>22581
I don't know what the numbers are, but we do go through some slow periods now and then, when I assume people get busy with other things. And then we have occassional bursts of activity when everyone shows up at once. Such is life.
>>
No. 22584
>>22581
>>22583
On End/kc we have similar fluctuation. Posters are fewer and fewer and then one day I just notice that only two of us posted that day, and the other guy only one post, then it perks up, every few month the cycle repeats. Not sure why. Maybe the topics became stale and needs someone to bring up something fresh.
Yesterday we were 15, I was amazed.
>>
No. 22588
Do westerners currently live in a very boring and yet quite exciting time? Or does it apply to all modern societies?
Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place. Does boredom reek of the sensations of the new? Real change seems to be going on, it excites me to be a witness and yet it's not really taking place in my own world it seems, like a TV show it's in a distance and becomes therefore boring, it's not really there, not lived by me, yet lived indeed.
>>
No. 22589
>>22588
Only the idiots who know little to nothing. We actually live in an incredibly boring and placid time during the end stage of empires. It sucks. All this shit people think is exciting and important, isn't. The "exciting" things are the upcoming catastrophes of the great anthropocene extinction event and climate change, which is making me really fucking paranoid that we're going to end up converting our planet to Venus, as well as both China entering the world stage and the increasingly oppressive US police state. It does not help that the new generation, who are all complete disgusting fuckwits, grew up with US style prison schools and literally know nothing of freedom to the point they dont even have an I tribal reference point to conceptualize what freedom looks like which is why they're all either depraved fat disgusting decadent tumbrlrinas or perhaps even worse a bunch of militant goddam fascists and authoritarians shitting up my country. Dumb fucking kids going super SJW authoritarian or filthy fascists because they never knew better and assume tyranny is normal, which is exactly how I predicted it would be. They're utterly useless and hopeless. Meanwhile said shit headed kids also grew up assuming constant surveillance and utter lack of privacy is okay. Theyve now shifted to Discord apparently which is even fucking worse from what I hear regarding privacy, and the DARPA/Zuckerberg empire.

What I see is August through September. A bunch of idiots cackling over nothing, drunken sods with empty lusts, in placid and lazy summer days unaware of the sheer horror and depravity and deprivation coming soon as everything dies and the people who didnt or were unable to store anything and protect themselves over winter starve. That is the world to me right now. Preparations must take place. None of it is happening, except the billionaire oligarchs turning it into a police state and robbing us of everything they can before shit really hits the fan.
>>
No. 22594
>>22583
Come to think, I noticed I have cycles of activity on Internet resources. Like, a certain period of time I visit imageboards, another period of time I visit forums.
The sad thing is, most places I used to visit exist no more.
>>
No. 22595
God damn it, I haven't done anything all weekend but play Mount & Blade while listening to Minnesäng.
I'm going to get a fucking copy of Walther von der Vogelweide's works, because this is awesome.

Tomorrow is going to be shit. I can feel it. I won't get enough sleep, and I'll have to study.

>>22584
I support this theory.
>>
No. 22601
>>22588
>Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place.
I think we live in dull times, but tell exciting stories. Most change occurs somewhere else, or to someone else, but I can read about it. Those things then seem personal, even though I'm still just doing the same daily routine. Maybe my getting to read so much about other lives counts as an exciting change. Peter Thiel said "We wanted flying cars, instead we got 140 characters[twitter].” He was talking about the shortcomings of tech innovation, but I think it applies to life in general. The changes we expect aren't as big when we get up close to them. It's like driving a car towards a steep incline in the distance. The hill gradually flattens out until you don't even notice it.

>>22594
>I have cycles of activity on Internet resources
Yeah, I've noticed something similar. Without deciding to visit or not visit sites, my daily circles occassionally shift around. I guess my brain likes to change gears or something.
>>
No. 22602
>>22583
Ha ha volga is big car
>>
No. 22604
>>22595
My man, you must upgrade to 1257AD/Hispania 1200 while listening to Cantigas de Santa Maria.
Though I'd appreciate examples of top-tier Minnesang.

>>22315
>The problem is, that it feels like I don't have a plan, and not having one feels like as if there was no ground under my feet.
You're in high school, and you're going to go to college. That's your plan. Unless you don't know what school to go to or what you're going to study, you don't have the right to freak out about not doing anything.

Just play some video games and be a fucking teenager. Also ask that girl out.
>>
No. 22606
I am this close to going mad.

After spending a year working towards a completely useless degree that I am being forced to get I feel like dying. I realise that I can't go back home since I was forced out of my parents' house because in their minds getting one was something I had to go through. Now you may be thinking that I am a spoiled asshole who is complaining about getting a chance to not only go through four years of university while receiving generous sums of money that can be spent whoever I wish to from my family every month but also graduate debt-free.
You're probably right but due to a number of reasons I had to go for a bachelor's in Oriental studies, specifically Japanese history and the language as well, which is a waste of time unless you wish to move to Japan and attend a japanese high school while wearing a kimono girded with a katana.

Not to mention, I have zero interest in the Japanese language and every time I think about my career prospects upon graduating a sense of dread overcomes me. Moreover, the way studying is done at university as a whole makes me want to neck myself. Constantly writing papers and having to complete group tasks such as coming up with projects alongside my fellow students without being able to sleep properly is a hellish experience for someone who couldn't care less about their field of study since I have no motivation to go through all this nonsense day after day, week after week. I realise that dropping out without a plan is childish and irresponisble but I cannot getting through three more years of this without finding myself one day taking a head-first dive into the pavement from a window.

I would appreciate any stories from older Ernsts who have been through similar situations but any kind of a response is welcome. Thanks a lot in advance.
>>
No. 22609
>>22601
>The changes we expect aren't as big when we get up close to them

That is a reason to be bored. Yeah, the big mediation might inject shallow excitement. But I'm not talking about the big sensations and headlines but the ongoing change that is not really noticeable as many things never rise to the surface of the bigger media channels, pass by without any or few attention directed towards it. That's the exciting things, the change that is not just constructed but somehow really happening. My life feels like a stagnant water. But there is gradual change which is actually interesting. I cannot put my fingers on it really.

>>22606
Do you hate all subjects or just not interested in the Japanese thing? Can't you change your subject? If you won't have much motivation, it will be truly shit. I know people study law/jurisdiction or other stuff are not really motivated but want the good job prospects/income. Some get off along the way, some stay persistent.
>>
No. 22612
Report got turned down. The woman in charge of reading it said it wouldn't fit in terms of style and furthermore the magazine would only be published twice a year and they'd be full already for the next two prints.
Not too much of a let-down as I wasn't expecting too much.
Ironically it wad only last night that I couldn't sleep out of existential panic. Imagining that there is no way out for me, that my pursues are fruitless and that everything I write will be turned down. That in the end I'll be left with nothing, maybe moving back into my hometown where nothing awaits me.
I need to cut this thoughts, at least until next year when I'm through with my novel.
Tonight I'll write another mail to another magazine, this time a weekly one. Will need to work on some passages though.
My shift is going to start in 5 minutes. At least it's the only day of work this week, otherwise I'd probably completely lose my sanity here.
>>
No. 22613
>>22612
>last night that I couldn't sleep out of existential panic. Imagining that there is no way out for me, that my pursues are fruitless and that everything I write will be turned down. That in the end I'll be left with nothing, maybe moving back into my hometown where nothing awaits me.

I occasionally have sames, tho for me it's being stuck in my hometown forever :DDD I'm thinking of staying another year after finishing university and looking to get some internships, I would be nearly 30 when I move to the big metropolis then, it feels so fucking akward and also why I'm such a pussy, being afraid of not finding new people
>>
No. 22614
>>22612
And don't give up, there are quite a few magazines, that might like your report, you just need to know them.
>>
No. 22618
20 kB, 450 × 450
>>22606
>Ernsts who have been through similar situations
I also studied a subject I had no interest in, and know what's it's like to go through university with no motivation. My Major was Business Admistration, which some people can get excited over, but I'm not one of those people, and I chose it for lazy stupid reasons.
This was already said by >>22609, but is there any way to change what you're studying to something else? You said it was due to a number of reasons, but do those reasons give you any flexibility? You're only a year in, and even if switching your Major is hard, it will make your daily experience so much better. My literature and art classes were like an oasis, a break from the tedium of Cost Accounting, and I can only imagine what that time would have been like if I had taken more of them. If you absolutely can't change fields, then how free is your class schedule? Is it possible to get a Minor degree in an area you do like? Even if it means taking more classes, then at least you'll have something to build on after you graduate. I was too deep in(and piling up debt)when this idea occurred to me, but I still wish I had done it.

>getting through three more years of this
Take it one day at a time.

>>22612
>got turned down
>I'll write another mail to another magazine
I don't know a lot about being creative professionally, but I know that's the right attitude to have.
>>
No. 22624
>>22604
You bet I played with 1257AD. It's one hell of an experience to fight all kinds of nations.
Shockingly enough, whenever I encounter a group from a new kingdom, I get my ass kicked, because I have no idea how to counter them.
Mongols are the easiest to fight against. No armour, you shoot down their horses while riding your own horse (because I accidentally became a horse archer myself), and then your infantry moves down their soldiers.
I have no idea how to fight against the Berbers and the Arabs though. I always suffer horrific losses when the fight is 1:1.
So the game is good, I like how I have to adapt my fighting style constantly to keep up with the enemy.
>>
No. 22625
455 kB, 589 × 591
Haven't posted in a while, then again there's not much happening. I'm also kind of relaxed lately, much to my own surprise. No anxiety, no fear of failing to meet my own grandiose expectations, or at least it's all still there, but rather subdued. What seems to be almost entirely gone though, is the earnest engagement with philosophical topics and big questions. I guess it was a gradual detachment over time, but now I really feel like I'm not interested in reading all those philosophy books I've been putting off.
My small freelance gig went quite well. Can't really find a Master's course that appeals to me so I've been looking for actual jobs now. Only sent one application so far though, tbh I really dread working full-time in a corporate environment but there don't seem to be many alternatives (or maybe I'm not looking in the right places).
Also an old friend moved back here again and we've been hanging out and somehow picked up skateboarding together. Maybe it's that quarter-life crisis or whatever, haha. Anyways it's pretty hard and as of yet I only ride on a road outside of town to practice, can't even land an ollie yet.

>>22581
I stopped posting :^)

>>22606
Well, don't do anything rash but don't hesitate too long either. One year into a degree is still not too much of an investment to quit, but what would be your alternative?
I only realized I'm not really interested in my field when I was almost finished so I ended up pulling through with it, but then again it was in an at least somewhat marketable field. With a degree in Oriental Studies I don't think you can do a lot, especially if you're not passionate about it.
I guess it's a bit of a cliché advice but you should probably do some soul-searching to figure out what you'd like to do (or at least wouldn't make you want to kill yourself 24/7) and see if/how you can pivot into that direction.
>>
No. 22628
>>22606
Why are you forced into Oriental Studies? Is it really impossible to change to something you care about?
Do whatever you have to to get into a program you're invested in.
>>
No. 22641
Had a rather useless day really. Literally didn't do anything else than taking a bus to the uni cafeteria and getting back home, reading an e-paper edition of the newspaper I'll have the internship at and eating way too much ice-cream.
Also spend some time texting with the girl. Yes, the one because of which I went through a lot of shit earlier this year.
We're back on the same level as before everything went to shit, only with her being even more instable now and regularily consuming marihuana. At least I stayed away from her for roughly two months, then wished her a happy birthday. I knew beforehand that this would be the crucial day but a couple of days later I realized that I was sort of waiting for it to happen (really the pain stung for longer than I thought) and we got in a fight again. Everything cooled down once again and at the beginning of the last month we somehow got friendly with each other again.
Mostly due to my earthly desires I kept contact with her over snapchat (to my defense, she is the only contact I have there), then at some point she opened up to me again out of nowhere and I saved her mother from further indulging in romance with some online relationship-scammer.
Afterwards I just kept texting her every once in a while but lately she completely went back to being how she was before I started getting obsessive and we're back on the friends with benefits (as we're also supplying each other emotionally this is sort of the wrong word though) track now.
Still it seems like we have both learned our lessons as we keep a bit of distance at least (which is sometimes hard to do because she would pretty much text me 24/7 if I would just keep answering all the time) and I don't feel anything. I mean, it's hard to say I'm not feeling anything at all
but sure as hell not the way I did back then and I'm pretty sure I even couldn't if I wanted. It's sort of like we both know what to expect so it feels alright and I don't worry.
Especially as my hs crush now is ignoring me again and I'm really tired with her.
Concerning the woman question it all looks pretty bleak. I don't care much about it these days but every now and then it keeps creeping up to me, thinking about what it would be like to have someone special. But then again, there is barely a way for me to get to know any new. None at my work, none in the two social groups I'm moving in (here and in my hometown, all are either in a relationship or friends with me for too long).
The only traditional way I could pursue (traditional in terms of not using online-dating which I won't) is asking my friend and his wife to introduce me to some fellow students of her and I think they'd totally go with it if I described the situation to them (not to mention women seem to have the tendency to enjoy the act of procuration).
Speaking of women, when I visited my hometown last time I was taking a walk through the streets and listening too music when I met that old classmate of mine I told you about once (the dancer with the rather unfriendly seeming boyfriend I saw at the supermarket that one evening) who was taking in the tables at the local ice cream tables. She laughed happily for about half a minute when seeing me and we automatically had some small talk. She mentioned that she'd like to see everyone again (she cut contact with her friends for some reason, who still regularily visit the occasional drinking meetups of our clique) so I suggested her to just reach out to me in one way or another when the time's come.
By the way I feel like I'm getting lost in tedious details again that are none of Ernstchan's interest at this point. Funnily I've lately read that it would be a traditional element of Niederdeutsch/Low German prose writers that they keep on getting lost in irrelevant details and extrapolating them excessively. I'm not really from the same region but for some reason due to my readings I'm slowly but steadily developing a rather random but intense spiritual connection to it.
>>
No. 22642 Kontra
>>22641
>ice cream tables
>>
No. 22643 Kontra
>>22642
>>22641
>Ice cream tables
meant tow write ice cream café.
>>
No. 22657
any good pages to inform yourself in an interesting, non-dry way about current progressions in (micro) biology (more: biotechnology etc.), military/security and computers/computation.

I would also gladly accept books by journalists that don't need to be super critical, neutral stuff is more welcome. What I want is non-dryness, no pure academical speech or in group speech what I suspect of military e.g. I at least need some gentle introductions.
>>
No. 22661
3,1 MB, 1920 × 1080
I finally know everything for the biology test. I'll write it on Friday by the latest, then I'll study some more, and write the second test I've missed on Tuesday, so for the end of the year exams I'll have only piss easy human anatomy instead of biochemistry.

I'm going to study mathematics now for tomorrow's test.

It kept raining, so I postponed going into the city to buy tea. It's sad. When it rains, none of the bookstands are open.
And I don't own a raincoat either.

During extra literature classes, we had to put our technical knowledge into practice by writing a comparative essay on two poems. That was quite nice.

I wish I had one more week of school, so my exams wouldn't feel so rushed. Two weeks, and they are here. It'll be horrible. The end of the world even.
Gonna have to ask around, what they'll want me to know. Physics and maths will be my bane.

Hanzi study rate is down again. I'm never going to learn the language. I should just delete it all and start over again.

Yesterday I had a dream that the death of the queen of England was announced. That was really strange. I actually had to check if it was true or not.

The next two weeks will be really fucking stressful.
>>
No. 22662
>>22661
>I don't own a raincoat

Get an umbrella from a thrift store.
>>
No. 22663
>>22657
I don't really follow these fields too closely but here are some related accounts/pages I know of:

Biotech:
https://twitter.com/antonioregalado // https://www.technologyreview.com/biotechnology/

Military/Strategy/Security:
https://twitter.com/Aelkus
https://twitter.com/Scholars_Stage // http://scholars-stage.blogspot.com/
https://warontherocks.com/
>>
No. 22665
I'm set to begin learning Italian in a few months but obviously I'd like to learn before I start. Does Ernst have any recommended apps or methods of learning? I messed about in school so my only experience was using some phone app from years ago that broke. I was learning with that app though.

Also I spilt tomato soup all down myself before a big meeting today and had to run around buying a new shirt. Naturally those bastards at the shirt store know that anyone who comes in they have over a barrel so I paid a ridiculous amount. Fuck tomatoes.

>>22588
>Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place.

3 years ago Britain voted to leave the European Union but we're voting for our next batch of MEPs tomorrow ¯\(ツ)

>>22606
>You're probably right but due to a number of reasons I had to go for a bachelor's in Oriental studies, specifically Japanese history and the language as well, which is a waste of time unless you wish to move to Japan and attend a japanese high school while wearing a kimono girded with a katana.

You could join the Foreign/Economy Ministry and help Mother Russia have a prosperous far east. Japan is putting her fingers in everyone's pies at the moment (trade and investment) and I can imagine even if the Kuril Islands dispute goes anywhere it will be a joint sovereignty deal that needs people to look after it. Get that kind of exp. and you can then do non-Japanese things if you want.

Worse comes to it you will still have a degree and that counts for something no matter what you want to do.

>I would appreciate any stories from older Ernsts who have been through similar situations but any kind of a response is welcome. Thanks a lot in advance.

Why are you having such trouble writing papers? Why did you choose to study this topic, surely you once had interest but have now become demotivated?

To cut to the point: It sounds more like you are having trouble with the work and that is pushing you over the edge with stress. If that is true then talk to your lecturers or, at least, talk with us.

The workload should be manageable if you break it into bite-size chunks but you might be struggling on something (the university will help if you've fallen behind).
Dealing with groups of people sucks dick but you need to learn these skills and there's a lot of advice people can give on how to deal with it.
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No. 22666
>>22663
The MIT review for all topics might be interesting for me. Atm I'm keen to discover the possibilities of technology and the entanglement with society and humanity (last in a philosophical sense as well both clearly stems from reading accelerationists)

I scanned MIT Press for books already. There is an old one from 1986 that somehow could be interesting since it's also written by people working for corporations like Monsanto. So no really technical details.

This seems the most suitable for me.
https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/synthetic-age

Maybe I should also get into technical details but you know there is so much to read, I don't even know where to direct my mind to. Too bad I'm a total whackass when it comes to natural science, I was always shit and not interested in school. Well, can't know it all.
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No. 22667
>>22641
There's plenty of lonely women at adult dating events - stuff like speed-dating or even a book club. Your woman issues sound exhausting and a complete waste of time.
>>
No. 22670
>>22667
I think adult dating events aren't as a big thing here as in the anglosphere, at least I couldn't find any in my city that don't look either completely greasy or like a catfish. From what I know you can part the dating spectrum into those three opportunities: social circles (the most common), uni/education, partying.
Sure there is online dating but I stay away from it, seems perverse to me.
Honestly my chances would probably be the best if I'd go out and party a bit (even though I have a fair share of different friends, nobody of them likes to go out to bars and nightclubs. Most of them are a bit older than me or suffer from way more severe assburgers/have gf's on the other extreme) or talk to women I see and like in everyday life. But in the latter I'm so detached that I usually don't go beyond smiling back.
Writing that down it feels like I'm trapped in my own justifications of loneliness and the safety of powerlessness over my destiny but the situation I am in is everything else than ideal.
Even though I type all of that down these thoughts are not determinant of my everyday life.
But time just passes by and I'm left alone. Then every once in a while, luckily way less than they used to come, there come those thoughts about myself not functioning in the right way (usually the sentence "There must be something wrong deep inside me, that repulses them"). And then again those thoughts feel ridiculous, someone who knows me only superficially wouldn't even think for a moment that I'd have such kind of petty problems.
And I've gone through positive developments in the course of the last year but at the end of the day I feel still as unexperienced in terms of love and relationships as a newborn.
I have acknowledged the wisdom of Bion about not pursuing the bird of eros but rather pursuing my own aspirations and goals and yes it became better, everything became much better. But this total lack of experience keeps nagging on me like a disgraceful branding on my forehead.
What is it that makes me different from millions of people who find their way to another heart, what is it that makes me a solitary being? Sometimes I believe it's an abnormally high sensitivity of mine and that most people are just more hardened against the odds of the world than me, therefore more rough and natural in their desire and interaction with other people. I find myself again and again studying words and their meanings when they all don't seem to mean a thing. Soft winds hit me like hurricanes, when my heart is ignited every good word turns into a declaration of love towards me and every small note of disharmony or neglect turns into a soul-crushing rejection.
Nowadays every confrontation with reality seems to put me a bit more onto the right track, but it's all going way too painfully slow to catch up with my rabid instinct. I nearly burted out in laughter of glee yesterday when I was sitting in the bus and reading, next to me there was one young girl and soon a friend of hers entered the bus. The friend stepped close to me to talk with her and my ability to concentrate faded away, hearing their squeaky voices and smelling their odours. I had to bite my tongue.
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No. 22677
>>22609
>>22618
I'm looking into ditching my major in favour of something I'd enjoy more but the truth is, I realise deep down how difficult is will be finding a job with a degree in anything in the field of humanities. I wish I was better at mathematics of some other scientific discipline.

>>22625
I've been trying to but I have not yet figured out what is it that want to do. I would go into the army for a year if I could but I was deemed unfit for service. I think its funny how tens of thousands of young guys like me in Russia are willing to bribe their way through the medical examination so long as it helps them avoid conscription whereas I am willing to serve but can't.

>>22628
My parents threatened to kick me out from the flat unless I got a degree. Back in 2017 I graduated from high school and russians who do so must take part in state exams. You're required to pick at least two subjects on top of the mandatory Russian and mathematics as your exam subjects. Depending on the major you're interested you've got to have both the right exam combination as well as decent exam results.
For instance, Russian, biology and chemistry will not get you into a political science programm whereas Russian, literature and English isn't what you need if you're an aspiring engineer.

I chose English and history, which is a pretty useless combination of subjects if you want to get a degree in something other than oriental studies or some other field with little career prospects. That didn't bother me back them since II had no intentions of getting into university and worked a night-time shift at a local supermarket which allowed me to pay my share of the bills and buy food. However, around january 2018 my father started talking out loud more and more about both of his sons turning out to be failures at life.
My brother's exploits are a whole another story and I don't know whether he can be labeled as a complete loser but, long story short, somewhere around summer 2018 my parents arrived at the conclusion that I had to go to university and get a degree and that would change my ways and prevent me from becoming and exact copy of my unsuccessful brother. My objections were met with the threat of them calling the police and/or expulsing me from the apartment with force. With my back against the wall, I went for what seemed like the least useless degree.

As I have already said, I am trying to change my major but its difficult to convince the deans of other faculties that I am worthy of a place in one of their study programmes since I don't have the right exam combination.

>>22665
I have nothing against writing a paper every once in a while but formatting them with the right fonts and footnotes and everything get annoying really quickly. Not to mention, most papers I have to write are on topics that I couldn't care less about which is not the university or the lecturer's fault but it doesn't make the whole process any less boring. Oh and learning countless hieroglyphs requires motivation which vanishes completely once I realise how useless my degree is in the quest for a job.

As for the ministries, I have never heard of anyone get a job there without having connections within them in the first place. But that does sound like a pretty interesting job.
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No. 22682
>>22677
You are in the humanities but want to change into the humanities? Or did you pick something like law or economics together with Japanese? If you had history and english it shouldn't be a problem to get into a humanities major.
Concerning the job prospects it depends on your grades and work experience you gathered once you graduate. I don't kno wthe situation in Russia, but humanities can be a broader field. You essentially learn to find your way through any humanities topic in a humanities subject/study. They joke about driving the Taxis afterwards but afaik the unemployment rate for academics isn't very big here. Last year a newspaper said it was around 3% which is average for all academic majors. Tho history is a bit worse Oh yes, but I'm going for a different masters, kiss my ass 5%
Speak to people who actually graduate in the humanities, I imagine your uni has programs or events or whatever, or aren't Russian unis having a vibrant life on their on?
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No. 22686
Well, today they started arranging next years prom, and as it turns out, there is an overabundance of guys, so I'm off the team.
I stayed awhile, just to see who asked out the girl I tried asking out before me, and I'm actually fucking mad, because he's an absolute fucking faggot! An idiot!
He's the only person in school I can't talk to in a normal manner, because his idiocy gets on my nerves!
What a twist.

I finally got my hands on some tea. On the way to the metro station I saw a man who just like Winston Churchill. It was an eerie sight.
The selections of the book carts were quite lack-lustre. Still, I managed to find a good copy of Fathers and sons, and Dead souls.
Fathers and sons had a (now) funny inscription on the first page.
>For comrade Domonkos Sándor, in memory of the tenth anniversary of our liberation, 1955. February 13.

This post feels overly short and pointless, but I don't think anything worthwhile ever happens to me. Maybe I'm just a boring asshole.
It's time to study for tomorrow. For some reason I can only do it during the night.
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No. 22687
>>22686
So you have one of those Murrican-style proms, with dancing and stuff, eh? This sucks. I remember at my prom we just sat, talked and drunk wine. There was some entertainment and dancing, of course, but it was mostly voluntary (a buddy of mine got roped into playing a role of Leo Tolstoy, but failed spectacularly; I predicted that the same would happen to me, so I staunchly refused any attempts to get me into some embarrassing shit), so most of us just formed our usual groups (jocks with jocks, nerds with nerds etc.) and had our usual convos. Moreover, I drank a bit too much, got tired and decided to leave early. We were supposed to wait till sunrise because of some tradition, but I left nonetheless, and nobody gave a fuck.
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No. 22694
50 kB, 960 × 720
Today I spent the day being an assburger gatecrashing economy talks. It was pretty fun depending on the speakers.

The highlight of my day was having a serious discussion after one of talks with a Scottish government economic adviser on why Scotland sees less movements towards localism (Highlands and Islands sub-devolution) and is generally more politically uniform in comparison to England's North-South divide. We talked for ages and came to the conclusion that it mostly comes down to Scotland's population being incredibly focused on the central belt (much more than England because the rest of Scotland is depopulated) while the islands tend to see stronger immigration that impacts on local identity. Shame I forgot to exchange names because you could tell he was impressed by my interest and enjoyed having someone to talk to when everyone else was so shit.

My only complaint is how bloody hot it is all of a sudden. I'm not ready for summer at all.

>>22670
Oh come on. If there's no proper dating then you may as well try internet dating for fun. Bumble is still popular last time I looked (and women have to message first saving effort) and Inner Circle is gaining popularity - you can at least build a base experience/confidence with girls to work from doing this. May even find someone slightly less bullshit than the women you're dealing with now.

It's 2019, everyone is on these things these days.

>>22677
It seems like you focus an awful lot on future career prospects than doing what you enjoy in itself. I don't think this is the right frame of mind for learning and I suspect if you did manage to get on a course purely on grounds of prospects you would end up just as unhappy. I'm just saying that unless you know exactly what it is you want to do I wouldn't do anything drastic like throwing away a year of your life.

Eventually footnotes and fonts will click, you will do a few more years, then, if after all this, everything is still fucked you can go manage the supermarket with the project management skills you picked up on the way! The course might even get more interesting further down the road once topics branch out.

>As for the ministries, I have never heard of anyone get a job there without having connections within them in the first place. But that does sound like a pretty interesting job.

If it is anything like here I would guess that most people subconsciously think "oh, that's not for people like me". You can always pop them an email and ask about how recruitment works - maybe even talk to your lecturers about organising a career talk that, you organising, will make you look good.

>>22686
Fuck that guy. Make a move already - she clearly has an interest in your depth so he's no contest.
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No. 22711
Well, I finally wrote the test after two(?) months of putting it off. It wasn't hard at all.

I got the official email today. I have 9 days to prepare for the exams. It'll feel like a fucking bloodbath.

My father video-called us from the Land of the Free(tm). The first time in years it felt like we have something to talk about. It felt natural, sort of right. Nothing was forced.

Got my hands on my book report. There were no extra comments on it besides
>It was enjoyable to read. You are talented when it comes to things like these.
So after a year of suffering and hard work, we are back to the status quo of me "effortlessly" producing good writings.
The girl's report got a good grade too. Though she re-used the material I wrote, because she was running out of time, and I asked if she needed anything. She was really thankful.

When I got home, I got totally distracted by Mount and Blade. The plan was that I write one of the essays I have to, but that's not happening. A good night's sleep is on the horizon.
This morning I was awaken an hour early. My mother "barged" into my room and asked if I can break up a larger banknote. It was fantastic. And to top it all off, I was in the middle of a pleasant dream. God knows what it was, all I remember is that I felt heroic.
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No. 22716
Today I took 3 drops CBD and finally functioned again.
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No. 22721
Today I did absolutely nothing good, productive or anything like that. I feel no desire to do anything.
Most of the time I’m just lying in my bed and pointlessly looking at the walls surrounding me. I seriously don’t know what to do to overcome this boredom. It’s the worst feel.
>>
No. 22722
>>22721
Same settis, except for the last week, and instead of doing nothing I play multiplayer tetris all day.

I need something to shut down my brain. Caffeine doesn't help any more, just makes me sick.
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No. 22729
I wanted to continue getting into coding since I basically have lots of free time now, but I have analysis paralysis again.

On one hand, I want to be a true old school boomer and use a cool language like C. On another, knowing my work ethic, I might accomplish more using a normie friendly language like C sharp or even python. Although I do sincerely dislike the idea of having to ship a framework / interpreter / JIT compiler together with my program.

I also have an unhealthy fascination with Pascal, and Wirthian languages in general. There's just something aesthetic about them. I wish there was a free Ada compiler with a permissive license. They say that the best way to make progress is to do things you genuinely like. I just wish I didn't like such stupid impractical things.
>>
No. 22732
>>22721
>>22722
Same for me today, you're not alone friends. Barely did anything else than eating, lying in my bed and occasionally some texting. Only skimmed through the novel and changed the beginning passage as it was long overdue. Thinking about it I'm not even sure if it's much better now though, may have to re-write it completely. Then I wanted to write some more but my mind just felt empty and insensitive, so I just continued fucking around instead.
But the darker it gets outside the more I begin to feel alive. Maybe the night will still have some merit.
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No. 22738
Well, today was fun. I wasted nearly all of it playing Mount and Blade. It's addictive, and I'm getting good at it.
I spent some time with garden work. The garden is pretty clean now.

Just sat down and wrote two and a half pages of that essay I have to write on imageboard culture. This feels like a crime against nature, honestly.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'll have to read Chekhov's Seagull take some proper notes on it, and then mow the lawn. (While finishing this essay I started writing.)
And of course, I'll also go and vote. The system may be flawed, but I'll do it because I care

With this much "work" (let's be honest, I'm just a lazy prick who makes too much of a fuss about things), I don't think I'll manage to read a single book this month. (Though checking the excel table, I did read two, but I haven't finished anything since the 9th.)

>>22732
I share this sentiment. I can only effectively work during the night for some reason.
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No. 22753
Had a nice stroll through the sunny fields after doing my minimum democratic duty. Feeling good today... maybe I don't hate the sun afterall.

Come to think of it, it was the first time I was able to vote for a non-german party. That feeling in my belly might be something like hope, but I'm not quite sure. It certainly feels foreign.
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No. 22760
Well, today I went and voted. Strangely enough, there was no line at all. Most people probably went after lunch.

We grilled outside for lunch. It felt very wectern.

I'm at 6 and a half pages with my essay. I stopped writing, because I've been at it for too long, and my train of thought isn't focused enough. I think it'll be around 8 or so pages.
I still have a bunch of shit to do, but I completely tired myself out.

Gonna have a tea now, and rest for an hour. Maybe play some Mount and Blade.
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No. 22762
As always, the party I voted for does not even appear in the statistics.

But good to see that the conservatives lost and almost all small parties grew.
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No. 22766
>>22762
Oh, I have to check the numbers, went voting as well, in order to leave the house and I'm not interested in crashing the EU, tho change is necessary, yet I'm not expecting much from my vote.

Thank dog for the digital note index programms, I have already written half of my paper as raw verion in less than 12h 2h the other day, 4h today. Without the programm, it would take so much longer I imagine.
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No. 22767
>>22762
>>22766
It's good that you guys already have some estimates in. I have to wait until 11 'o clock.
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No. 22774
400 kB, 803 × 688
>Almost finished writing page nine
>The end is nowhere near
>I used up a whole ink cartridge writing this with a fountain pen
>Tomorrow I'll wake up at 5:15
>Fist class is oral exam
>Haven't studied a single word for that
>Haven't started the new book report yet
>Haven't studied for the second biology test
>Haven't started the second essay yet
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No. 22779
48 kB, 231 × 226
And it's done. This eleven pages long monstrosity, written on imageboard cultures and the alt-right will serve as my end of the year exam paper from Ethics. Probably more trouble than what it's worth.

Gonna go to bed now. It'll be a happy, five hours long sleep for me.
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No. 22780
>>22779
11 pages double spaced at 12 pt? With citations or without being citation heavy? I used to routinely have to write 10-20 page papers for every course. It was brutal. I typically had to write like 70 pages double spaced over the course of every semester.
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No. 22781
>>22780
11 pages of handwritten text without citations for a HS exam. Absolute meme tier.
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No. 22782
>>22781
Oh. Why handwritten btw? Like what in the actual fuck? To be honest I think that might actually be way harder for me at this point because even though I'm quite old now by some standards I was still young enough that essays were starting to be done mostly by printed text files when I was in school, so I never really learned to utilize penmanship and as a result writing is slow and tedious but I can type pretty fast and accurately. That anyone would ask you to write a long essay by hand is kind of bizarre to me.

Wait you're in high school?