/int/ – No shittings during wörktime
„There is no place like home“

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No. 22231 Systemkontra
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Old one is kontra K
No. 22232
I shot a man just to see him die.
No. 22241
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I was reading a column from a German artist who recently published a book together with another person.
Thought to myself I could do something similar if I just had an idea what to write about, the style is pop and I think I could do it. But I lack the energy to think about an argument I could make. Perhaps I could write down what it feels like to (still!) stroll thru the streets of this shitty town for the last 20-25 years while also being afraid of moving to the big city. It's not even that bad when I think about what other people write. But it feels so pathetic at the same time to write about this and then realize it's shit and not even close to what the artist mentioned above did. Her text began well but got continuously more boring until the end. No real or good pointe.
No. 22242
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>tfw once created today threda
>oh we already created new one just with other name sorry we will use this one efore previous one
>after thread created even more new threda
>of we forgot about this old thread, we need not to forget about it next time
>next time bumping your very old thread
>after some time
>even more new today thread, your thread systemkonta'd by moderator

This is sotry of whole my life btw.
No. 22245
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No. 22246
Now that I've shaven my face, I actually look human.

I want to do two things today, in the remaining few hours. Finish reading Hunger, and to look through the flashcards. Don't know if either will happen.

Apparently my family is happy with my career choice of studying Chinese. So it's literally perfect.
>I'm interested in it
>It'll help me actually not starve to death
>My family is happy about it
Now I just need to not fuck it up and get into a university.
No. 22248
You could study Chinese and something else as well. Don't know your system, is it BA/MA? Then you could pick Chinese as major and history as minor or whatever else, like literature or Germanistik.
No. 22250
Firefox still did not fix their shit and it's been pissing me off.
No. 22252
I think I'd need an Oberstufe Abitur in German to the university to even consider me for a Germanistik course, and I only have a Grundstufe. (I shamefully admit I have no idea how the university system here works.)
Speaking of Germanistik, first year in HS, I had this really sweet old lady as a teacher. She was so old, that she had to use a cane, and sometimes said "Marke" instead of "Euros". But man, she was the best language teacher I've ever had.
She retired last week. I actually took my time and said good bye to her, even though I haven't had a class with her in two years now. Honestly, I almost cried, and felt a bit ashamed that I haven't bought any flowers or something to bid farewell properly, and I expressed this too.
Man, I almost cried.
I think she expected me to pursue Germanistik, becuase when I told her I want to get acquainted with eastern languages, she had her eyes widen quite a bit.
I just don't think I'm made for Germanistik. I'm pretty shitty with the grammar. Or at least I feel that way.
Though at least my accent is "tolerable", if you consider sounding like and "Ungarndeutsche" tolerable. No idea what made the impression on people that I come from a Schwab family, but whatever. It was pretty weird to hear. My mother speaks German, and she studied at an "ethnic" institution, with half of her family being (heavily-magyarized) German, so it might stem from that. If I remember, my great-grandfather was the last to be a proper Schwab. When I asked great grandma if she spoke German (for she used a lot of German words), she replied with a straight, but annoyed "no".
Though it would be interesting, because I could actually take a few classes on Mittelhochdeutsch to read muh Nibelungenlied.
Fuck, this summer, I'm going to grab a dictionary, and read that fucker in Neuhochdeutsch. There is no shame in using a dictionary, right? Please tell me!
Now this turned into one hell of a pointless ramble.
No. 22255
Relaxed but exhausting day at work. Sparing the details for lack of time. After writing a short text (for another project I'm participating in) I watched Even Dwarfs Started Small. For someone having talked down on cinema barely two weeks ago I feel like I'm really starting to get involved in it. Two days of work left still, it's not that bad but very draining. I feel like I'll take the next week off.

Why are you being so mysterious about the artist? You made me curious.
Also do it, might be a fun read actually. It's not pathetic at all to write about your situation, good literature always needs a bit of despair.
Also even if nobody wants to read it, you got it out of your system. Might help you cope with things and reflect about your situation to just write everything. Putting it in words you bring law and order into the chaos of the world.
No. 22256
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No. 22257
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The old Today thread was still alive this morning when I went out to do some yardwork, and by the time I came back inside it was already too late. I'm sorry I didn't bump your thread up sooner.

That yardwork consisted primarily of weed removal, and wound up being the only thing I did all day. At least it was a tangible accomplishment, and even better I managed to do it without cutting up my hands. I covered my fingers with duct tape, which works even better than gloves.
No. 22260
I cannot say you anything about the study settings, but when I met people who studied German in their Master, they still had accents and I think it's hard to come by as a non-native. So I wouldn't worry too much about that. But you could do a minor, just to widen up your field of studies.


I wrote down a text but not a good one. Also I didn't take any notes beforehand. I don't think she just wrote it down but at least had a loose plan, a structure. I don't know how people actually write their stuff, perhaps it's different from person to person- But I know I need a structure at first for orientation because else I just drift around.

Also her novel is talked about here, an interview with both of them
No. 22261
I want to sum up a chapter of an English factual book in simple German, but my writing is absolutely horrible. How do I improve my writing in German? I already read a lot, but obviously don't write much myself.
No. 22262
Write more, read your own writing, repeat.
No. 22263
>Generic art ho writes novel about getting fucked and puts something with feminism on it
Ach Ernst, you can do better without much effort. Also I believe that what you have to write about your life in your small town will be thousand times more interesting than what this skank calling herself has to tell about her whoring adventures. And if her prose is anything like the writing style in the column, even more so.

Back to the topic: you are right, everyone has their own way of writing so it's rather useless to dictate you something. I do work with notes but only to remember small things I want to put into the story or at the very beginning when there's only an idea. But then usually everything comes on its own. By the way, you are allowed float around a bit as long as you do it skillfully. The best prose is made of excessively floating around.
No. 22264 Kontra
*calling herself artist
No. 22268
This. If you want to write like pros, analyze how they do it or get something like "Richtig wissenschaftlich schreiben" from UTB. If you read alot of similar styled text you should be able to get better and already incorporated that style. Writing praxis will work but you need to see a progress after a few months, if not, you are doing something wrong.

Not sure if her novel is that generic, as I said, I don't really liked her Schloss Column, the beginning wasn't bad and at least she has some coherence in it even tho the content is nothing special, lame cynism or nihilism.
But maybe the novel is better, even tho the interviewer says the character is one of those tough and cool woman who are pretty much "illusionslos" which could mean that she is cynic and nihilistic but still sad in the end and this is nothing special with people in their 20s anymore. I want to read the novel nonetheless to get that art scene vibes delivered. Did you listen to the whole interview?

The allusion to Kafka she makes with her title reminds me of how special his writing was and how Deleuze & Guattari analyze it. I want such madness in my writings. No cynism, something that really stands out from the crowd, fresh and intense. No intention to duplicate Kafka, that would be boring and not a good aim. But what is it that makes his writing so special. Can one extract parts of Kafkas poetology for the 21st century?
I really like this toolbox philosophy that is mentioned in the beginning of A Thousand Plateaus by deleuze & Guattari. Take what works and built your box of tools.

When I looked at my older writings I found a passage where I was wondering if it was a dream or an image I had in my mind. because these are the best scenes far off from "reality". I don't remember my dreams but I know many writers take them as inspiration and ofc they have a lot of potential since the differ greatly from daytime consciousness.
No. 22269
I think my brain is rewiring itself to enjoy work or something.
Whenever I'm lazing off, I just feel meh and shitty. If I somehow manage to force myself to do some work, I end up feeling mildly fulfilled in the end, even if the work itself wasn't fruitful or all that meaningful in the end. Just something about getting the brain out of low energy mode. I just need to get addicted to this positive reinforcement.

Or, the opposite, to stop thinking too much and focus on something. Gotta use work as escapism. Thinking never got me anywhere. At least this way, I can keep my ego-self happy. I'm on two levels of separation of the self right now. Disassociation with one's body, and disassociation with one's mind. Just like how one must treat one's own body as an object in one's care, so must be done for the lower mind, the realms of personality, emotion and identity. Foster it like one would a pet.

I don't think I, the overself can ever find fulfillment through my futile attempts at achieving gnosis, but least I can do is to prevent my other selves from suffering. the world seems so small when thinking in those terms. maintain the mechanism of your mind and body, guide your narrative self through its story, so that they can reach contentment. but the contentment of my body, mind and character do nothing to alleviate the existential anxieties of my overself. i wish there was a more pure existence, than the worldly, the emotional, and the historical.

also, I haven't slept this night and am having a depersonalization episode. neurons misfiring left and right. i feel a certain feeling I can not express.
No. 22271
It rained today, and it'll rain tomorrow. The balcony is a mess, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't sit outside and read. (It's filled with boxes.)
Though I'm starting to realise what I need to do to be able to feel at peace. I have to leave my phone as far away from my room as possible. That way I was able to finish reading Hunger before lunch. (Though I intentionally postponed lunch until two o' clock just so that I could say I did it before lunch, which at the demand of my sister was pizza I made.)

Turns out I'd only have one class tomorrow, and I'm not going to go in. I have one extra day to read that Ibsen play, study Hanzis (I've hit a wall with those, just like with everything in my life it seems), study chemistry and to take a gander at the Iliad. (It's lovely how I made a list of what I want to read, 17 books. I'm already at 17, but only three are ticked off from the list.)

The end of the year exams are coming, and I have to think about an essay topic for my Ethics class, but I think I'll just bite my finger, and pick one of the default options the teacher will give out. (And because I'm a reckless, smug retard, I'm going to pick Redpill culture.)
I have a feeling that that essay will be five hand written pages long again, just like the "introduction" I wrote for Chinese philosophy. (For which I was berated when I said that it's a simple, straightforward topic. Smooth sailing and relaxing to write about.)
People don't take too kindly if you say something is overly easy.

My life is hopelessly boring and meaningless. Fuck cellphones and fuck the rain.
No. 22274
Decided against going after the women. I'm looking for a wife but their aren't many options most of them are sluts thus I turned to the countryside.
No. 22278
I've read the whole interview, yes. It just seems relentlessly boring to me. Might also be the case though because I'm quite exasperated about the constant sexual content in art.
Just lately I've got to know about an "art project" at a local "arts school" where some so called arts student developed a website where you can order lollipops made after the shape pf your vulva. Yes, those are the times we live in. Obviously there was no second floor to it. One might argue that licking a sugar version of your own genitalia might be a soemwhat witty commentary on narcissism in our culture but no it was just about "sexual freedom and our pussies are beautiful :)".
Sure, you had the decadents like Mirbeau or later Bataille writing erotic literature but back then it was still exciting, the latter sent his Story of the Eye to only a handful of readers.

Okay, the author in your interview admits that there is no real thrill beyond depicting sexuality anymore. But she doesn't seem to breka boundaries now and actually do something tough and unusual, maybe a novel that doesn't depict sexuality at all? (At least not in an implicit way)

I can't tell you much about Kafka's poetology. But if you really want to get behind it and learn from it in an intrinsic way, you need to read. Re-read whatever novel or work of him you liked the most. At least that's what Fontane recommended for a writer to learn from his chosen master iirc. Haven't done it myself yet because I'm too wildly busy reading all kind of stuff but I do plan to do so.

But anyways, it's more important to write at all. Don't you carry around the intent to do so for a while now? Maybe you should just do it instead of indulging in further speculations about what it should or could be like.
No. 22284
After seeing this I realize many men without gfs are simply lazy
No. 22285
You should find a gf, you are going about it wrong thinking I need to find a wife.
Be easier if you had social groups which did activities and a church.
Just remember that wife you find will put on 50lbs
No. 22289
Listen i am looking for a wife I looked in the countryside for 7 hours yesterday.
No. 22290
>Don't you carry around the intent to do so for a while now? Maybe you should just do it instead of indulging in further speculations about what it should or could be like.

Not really want to write a novel/prose. There is an urge which is good, but it's very small. I'm more interested in developing theory and you need to get a certain level to really write sophisticated about it and so far I'm reading and also writing in uni, which is my only training. I'm reading a bit of prose on the side all the time but an idea or whatever for writing something down is not really existent, just one thing. I could start over an over again with that idea until I got something valuable tho.

The art school thing is lame yes, but I wouldn't conclude it's the same for every art school in the country, isn't it a more provincial one? What I don't get is the constant force of beautiful pussies, do men ramble about ugly pussies so much? Afaik many men like to slurp pussies and loose their mind over a girl so much that they don't care about a pussies shape. Well woman worry about their body constantly and it's not something natural but a learned behavior. I guess that's the freedom they try to achive. I don't have a fancy for explicit political art tho. But your twisted interpretation on it is good.
No. 22292
Are you the same Ernst who created this thread?
No. 22294
No. 22297
It's all fine and dandy that I've announced that it'll rain tomorrow. So of course it was sunny today. Though it was cold.
Not that it matters. The balcony is still full of boxes, so it's hopeless to go and read there.

I had a terrible headache when I woke up, which refused to go away, so I didn't read that Ibsen play. Opted to watch a German Let's play of Hearts of Iron to brush up on my skills a bit.

Then I went over to my maths teacher's to study for a bit. That went quite well. Thinking about it, I haven't left the house in like 4 days.

When I got home, I had to assemble a desk my mother and my sister bought. I actually started composing this post before that. It took around maybe two hours. I like family programmes like this. It's full of sick banter, and turns into a contest of wits.

I hope tomorrow I can get more things done. It's like my life is turning into a formless mess.
No. 22298
You guys ever get into this state of mind, where the funny quality of thing is amplified a hundredfold, and you just want to laugh?
It's lovely.
No. 22300
Hehe, maybe she was at work or school.
No. 22307
Yes I have I think it's when you become so weak you develop a nervous laugh and realize it's better to laugh than to cry.
No. 22315
I can't for the life of me concentrate on anything.
This "freedom" is killing me. I haven't done a single thing that's worthwhile in the past 7 days. I just sit here, degrading myself.

The conclusion is that I need to reclaim that balcony as soon as possible. It's still full of boxes.

Tomorrow I'll have classes properly, since the upperclassmen finished writing their maturas. I also have to pick up two packages. So at least I'll leave the house finally.
I managed to burn some money on another book on the Nietzsche-Dostoevsky subject.

The problem is, that it feels like I don't have a plan, and not having one feels like as if there was no ground under my feet. You just sort of float in an endless three dimensional space, while in the fourth dimension, the dimension of time, you inevitably go forward.
It's like someone keeps pulling the rug from under my feet, making me do strange, slow-moting backflips.

I wanted to read the Iliad, I even had it sitting on my little desk, Homer's portrait looking angry at me, "Why haven't you read the foundational piece of Western literature yet, pseud?". (Even if he was blind, his eyes still pierce.)
Managed to get through two pages, I sneezed, then put it back on the shelf.

When my mother came home, she gave me two 5000Huf bills for some strange reason.
>"This, what for? My two pretty eyes?"
It's probably connected to the new desk my sister got. She thinks I might feel "left out".
Now I feel fucking guilty for taking that money, though I could use it to get the Landmark edition of Caesar's works. Shit would be so cash to use.
Also thought about getting a copy of the Nart-saga, but that one is "expensive", and seems to be of dubious quality, though I might just be paranoid and untrusting towards "nationalists" when it comes to facts. (I have no idea what they translated it from.) Irrelevant.

Tomorrow I'll have to hand in the volunteering form for the end of the year exams. I'll have two empty classes, so I'll try working on the translation, and studying Mandarin really hard.

I can still try reading that fucking Ibsen play I have to. I read the name of the characters aloud, and then stopped. I'm just completely uninterested, and I feel stuck. That's why I'm going to read another Dostoevsky novel after I'm done with it. I might not have an immediate goal, but I now have a reason to force my way through it. I can "reward" myself with a "treat".

No. 22318
I feel like shit.
I've been procrastinating and sleeping too much, the client is getting annoyed with my poor performance.

Also, I had the weirdest fucking dream. I was walking at night, when the night sky turned purple, I could see stars, constellations and space gas clouds very vividly. Then a huge celestial object appeared, and I instantly knew that it was Saturn. Runes, pentagrams, symbols appeared in the night sky.

Somebody asked me what was going on, and I tried to explain that the end times are near, but I couldn't utter a word because I suddenly couldn't breathe.

I could probably point at Electric Wizard for inspiring this dream, lol.
No. 22319
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I was taking notes for my paper the last 2h and then the cable of my laptop got plugged of. Nearly all my notes are gone even tho I press ctrl+s after every note. What the fucking fuck I'm so fucking mad right now, wasted 2.5h and the notes were quite good, I even had ideas I noted down on the side.

But you know what?
Then it came to my mind that I had the other notes appointed to another article in the book I was doing an excerpt of. It's all there and now I will finally eat something because I haven't had much today and it's getting on my mood.
No. 22321
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You should do important work on stable systems.

t. tremendously helpful person giving helpful advise
No. 22322
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I only have my laptop and the batteries are broken, so I'm left to use the cable nonstop and the problem with that really is that the plug is not fitting tight anymore.

A quote from Henry Miller I found in a work of Deleuze & Guattari, made me think of the discussion in the literature thread and all the art discussions we sometimes have.

>From the little reading I had done I had observed that the men who were most in life, who were moulding life, who were life itself, ate little, slept little, owned little or nothing. They had no illusions about duty, or the perpetuation of their kith and kin, or the preservation of the State [...] The phantasmal world is the world which has never been fully conquered over. It is the world of the past, never of the future. To move forward clinging to the past is like dragging a ball and chain.
No. 22330
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I fucked up tremendously, so I had to read The Wild Duck for tomorrow.
Fuck, I thought I’ll get a good night’s sleep, but no, I spent two hours reading the thing.
Then tomorrow, instead of working on my beloved translation, or studying the magnificent hanzis, I’ll be writing a lowly book report.
Now the only “trap” I coulf fall into is if I forgot about a maths test, and if that’s the case, I think I’ll just throw in the towel and jump out the window. That, or just go home. Probably the latter.
I’m a failure.
Five hours of sleep, here I come! This undeserving whiny nobody is here to claim five hours and a few measly minutes!
No. 22333
Interesting dream. I've just been entering the void again lately. Not bad but not indaresting neither.
No. 22342
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Well, today wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I failed to complete the book report during that 1.5 hour break. I only produced a a single page's worth of material, all of it relating to the characters and their relations to one another. The point was to have it be written with a lot of details, so when I have to look through it for the matura, I'll know instantly what I'm looking at, without having to re-read the text itself.
I'll probably waste another page or two on the philosophical contents.

Talked with my ethics teacher about the upcoming exams. She gladly accepted my proposal to write about the "Redpill culture".
>"I might even steal your writing for next year's classes"
>"So you expect this essay to offer serious insight into the topic?"
>"You ought to know more than me on this subject."
Lovely. It'll be lovely. It'll be such a fucking meme.

Discussed Hunger with my history teacher. He found my conclusions unsurprising.
>Try re-reading once you moved out and have to support yourself
Seems logical.
He also gifted me an old copy of The Counterfeiters, and informed me that a book outlet had copies of the Chinese novella collection I've been looking for for sale at a tolerable price. (3 Euroshekels for a 500 page hard-cover book.)

I made a rant against monolingual people at the library.

Walked around the city in the rain. All the street vendors' carts were closed.
Finally picked up that baroque Hungarian epic about George Rákóczi II.
Then I went into the outlet, (since it was midway between the two stores where I had my packages.) and bought the novellas, plus an ancient Chinese handbook on divination, but only because it was the price of a cheeseburger.
There is a special kind of atmosphere to Budapest in the rain. You walk around, you get wet, and then go inside an old house from the monarchy era, only to find little shops hidden inside homes once inhabited by the middle classes of the 19th and pre-WWI society.
And there is always a little square, every house is a square shaped donut, with the sun shining into the middle, the rain falling freely, and you look up, and it's old, dirty architecture, 3-4 storeys worth of it.
Also finally picked up that book on Nietzsche and Dostoevsky.
On my way back to the metro station, I checked out the only street vendor's stock, who was actually open. The guy was standing under a bridging used by the workers during renovations.
His wares were really lackluster. I pitied the guy a bit, but I didn't by anything, since the good things he had, I already own.
I gotta step it up, because I'm burying myself with my backlog.

Anyway, I got totally drenched by the rain, but at least it felt good.

I had to put together a chair when I got home. Never knew I knew all these profanities.

My intention was to watch the third, and final episode of the Read or Die OVA, but I'm so tired, that I think I'll just skip that one. (It's a good OVA, I'd recommend it. A bit of brainless fun, with a cute protagonist.)
The only progress I made today was a 0.3% enhancement of my hanzi skills, and I also read 20 pages of Dostoevsky's The idiot.
No. 22343
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>There is a special kind of atmosphere to Budapest in the rain. You walk around, you get wet, and then go inside an old house from the monarchy era, only to find little shops hidden inside homes once inhabited by the middle classes of the 19th and pre-WWI society.
And there is always a little square, every house is a square shaped donut, with the sun shining into the middle, the rain falling freely, and you look up, and it's old, dirty architecture, 3-4 storeys worth of it.

Sounds so good. I don't know about eastern Europe tbh but I imagine it the last place on earth where one can live in a building from around 1900 in the city center and actually pay the rent easily because they are seen as "shitty old houses" just like in Germany 45 years ago and nobody want's to live in them and only the poor do or they are not even inhabited at all liek in Westberlin. But then again I would have to learn a language and I don't know the scene. Is there a eastern European (West)Berlin these days?
No. 22350
I decided to come home early to avoid taking a test. Teacher was fine with it.
Got some administrative matters done, pertaining to next year.

On the bus I overheard the discussion of two university students.
I put away the book to listen to it, because one of them was a student at the Faculty of Eastern Studies. He was talking about having to take a Chinese exam, and he desperately needed a 3 ("Mediocre"), but knows only what carried over from his Japanese classes. He also read aloud some pinyin text hastily, much to the annoyance of the pensioners, and much to the pleasure of my ears.
>"I mean, it's an exam, you should dress properly, for fuck's sake. I always dress properly for my exams, and then you have people take the tests wearing anime T-shirts"
Honestly, if he could get this far, then I have my hopes up, that it's not impossible to learn the language and I'm not just kidding myself.
Overall, it was a positive, and reinforcing experience.

Bought a frozen pizza on the way home.

During classes, I felt pretty fucking smug, mainly because it felt like I knew what I was doing and what I was up against. I think I'm over that low point I felt earlier.
No. 22367
I keep wondering if I am actually split across timelines or dimensions. It isn't just that a lot of things don't make any sense historically in my life. It's the fact that these are a consistent parallel world. Now that you mention dreaming this was at least the third time in months I woke up convinced I had spent a month in low security prison. I don't know why. There's these things I'm convinced of when I wake up then forget about and sometimes the details carry into normal life and that bothers me. I get this eerie distinct feeling like I'm living someone else's life for 8 hours and wonder if when he dreams he thinks of my life. But it's a consistent thing like I will have the same completely meaningless details that have no connection here be thought of as matter or fact. I have tentatively concluded that a parallel dimension of me did something stupid and was unlucky enough to spend a month in jail for it.
No. 22371
I spent most of the day cleaning. Man, I got so much done. I even managed to reclaim the balcony for myself. My surroundings feel a lot better now.
On the other hand, I didn't get anything "intellectual" done. (In quotation marks, because I don't consider anything I do truly intellectual. I do the base minimum, what everyone should do.)
But at least I have the balcony again. I also fixed the vacuum cleaner. Turns out that they didn't properly assemble it, and left out a part. There is always an IQ89 issue they can't solve.

I also listened to Wagner today. The Ohne Worte version of the Ring. I think it just clicked. It's magnificent. I can actually see as Wotan bids farewell to the sleeping Brünhilde.
Get it while it's hot, this shit is fucking fire.

And I think I just had the first "good" beer of my life. It's not "amazing", but it doesn't have that disgusting aftertaste most beers have.
Though I still don't see how you could drink 6 litres of this and live.
No. 22376
Woke up from sleep paralysis.
Fuck that shit man.

Also, I'm bothered by the fact that I have forgotten most of my life and some very important experiences that I kind of need in the future.

Why is my memory so fucked, I wonder. Also, it's kind of weird that I only remember stuff when I'm dreaming. When I'm awake, I feel too distracted with my own thoughts to remember anything.
No. 22391
Now that I am maniacal from sleep deprivation, I'm starting to miss schizosis.

I am once again feeling anxious over the loss of my own previous identities. I can not recapture the mind-state that I used to be in during those times when I'd wander the commieblock district at 4 AM thinking saturnine thoughts. Sometimes I dream about being a child again, and distinctly feel the way being a child felt, at that time. Then I wake up, and can't evoke that experience again. It is endlessly frustrating and frightening.

Losing the diary I've been writing for the past few years doesn't help either. And I kind of miss my schizomaniacal episodes. The ability to see hidden meaning and significance behind every minute detail, I miss it.
No. 22393
I dunno man. I feel similarly sometimes with dealing with decision paralysis. Too many times I feel like I'm making the wrong decision based on what I should like due to what I have liked before while the other option is at the current moment more interesting. It's also a source of my many failed endeavours. Something more interesting comes up and destroys my ability to make decisions regarding either the new or the old.

As Confucius say: shit's fucked. I guess that speaking strategically, the right thing to do is to work with what the current reality of the situation is. If you treat your plans like a rigid stick, then said stick comes and fucks you in the arse. That's a matter of do as I say and not as I do though, so grain of salt and all that.
No. 22394
The actual answer is disgustingly simple, at least in my mind: act according to current rational analysis and your ethics, moral principles, and seek an outcome that is "right", rather than what would be enjoyable for you.

The problem is that acting purely out of rational decisions and denying yourself experiences that don't align with those decisions seems like a very sterile way to live. Living not for yourself, not for others, but for a set of abstract ideals, that in the end, nobody but you understands or cares for.
No. 22395
Sometimes I wonder if the reason nobody responds to my existential schizo ramblings is because everyone is too intimidated by my high IQ gnostic insights, or because I'm a brain damaged lunatic whose incomprehensible gibberish only makes sense to myself.

Or maybe it's because I keep talking about the same shit like a broken record because my life is so uneventful. Yeah, I'm guessing it's this. I need to read a book.
No. 22396
Yeah, you ain't wrong. It's close to what's been the way I've been trying to work with though rather than what I am working with. I've been looking at it as what brings me the greatest net benefit based on my current set of preferences and goals and then adjust that value according to the resources available to me for to fulfill those preferences and goals. It's still a pretty sterile cost:benefit look at life but it's aimed not at an ideal but right at number one. It's got problems since goals and preferences shift, but I make a little ground here and there. I'm probably not selling it well with the whole "it's what I use" pitch considering my mental state but it should in theory work for someone else.
No. 22397
One of those rare but regularily appearing sundays when I don't have any food at home (which is normal as I usually either eat at work or at the uni cafeteria) and go out to visit a restaurant on my own. Usually I either stick to the the thai or the turk as those options are the most affordable ones but today I missef the right bus stop and came across an oriental restaurant I alwaya wanted to visit. So I had a whole plate of shawarma, falafel, halloumi etc. for about 8 euros it tasted really good and higher in quality than the places I usually visit. Other than that I will read a bit and visit a friend later on, feels good to have your mind float around freely a bit.
Also I'm about 3/5 through with the report I want to send in until the end of the month, guess I'll be done in a couple of days.
I'm quited excited about the magazine's reaction. A part of the exposé requirements I oversaw though was "sent us the best journalistic article you've written so far, so we can get a short impression of your writing style". They usually expect you to send out the exposé first and then write the report, I will do both at the same time. I mean, at the end of the day the only journalistic article I've written is my best one, isn't it?
The magazine seems to be quite open to newcomers also the exposé requirements are quite broad and explained in detail. It's not too big but has a decent readership.
No. 22399
Mostly it's that I can't think of anything to respond with I guess it's a bit of column a and a bit of column b.

We've had the idea tossed around before. We lead fairly cyclical lives, you and I. We tend to swing back and forth between states of mind semi-regularly. When two people like us shoot as much shit as we have, we tend to have talked about virtually every aspect of those semi-regular mental cycles at least once. Maybe I should just put more effort into responding in the future. Can't hurt to have a similar yarn. Might even unearth some ebin new insight. Who knows?
No. 22405
I'd say today was very good. The garden is coming along nicely. I cleared another plot of land, all by myself, just to surprise my mother.

I read two chapters from The Idiot, and a short Chinese novella. Honestly, The Idiot is a lot less charming so far than C&P. Dostoevsky writing about aristocrats just feels so out of character. Though now that I think about it, the first few chapters of C&P weren't all that charming either.
I'll keep soldiering on, none the less.
Had tremendous amounts of fun with the novella. It felt magical. What a shame I have no idea what it's called in English or Chinese.
Writings like these make me remember why I try learning the language.

Currently working on the book report. I sort of forgot about it yesterday, only to suddenly remember it before falling asleep. Then I forgot about it today, and I just remembered it.
Not like it matters. I just have to write a good summary of the plot now, and the edition I have has a detailed summary in it, so I'll just re-work that. There is no need for anything revolutionary, the goal is to produce something useable.

I think it's time to add new flashcards to the deck. I haven't made new ones in ages. Originally I wanted to bring my dictionary and the textbook with me to make them on my phone during my two empty classes, but it seems quite idiotic now.
I'll probably just study for my upcoming tests instead.

What matters is that you get published for the first time. It must be a dream come true that you are able to get your writings out to the public trough a traditional media outlet.
No. 22408 Kontra
Okay, I failed to finish the fucking thing yet again. Let's hope the deadline isn't tomorrow.
I'm going to get so little sleep, I can feel that tomorrow will be horrible.
My work-ethic is completely fucked.
No. 22409
Ah, sorry, that wasn't a request to start responding to my inane shit.
I genuinely want to start making somewhat interesting, discussion worthy posts as a way of widening my horizons. So the goal here is to make reply worthy posts, rather than having people reply to them, if that makes sense.
Which made me think about how it is virtuous to change the world by changing yourself, rather than trying to change the world directly. The former makes you a better person in some way, the latter robs you of that opportunity to improve.

"The destination is important, but even more important, is the path you take" - Abai dropping some truth bombs. "The ends justify the means" is pretty much a bullshit statement, my dude. There is meaning in the process, not just the outcome.

also, wasn't there a concept in physics or mathematics that multiple initial conditions and paths can reult in the same outcome, basically rendering it impossible to retrieve that information about the initial state? and also there was the other way around equivalent, that there are systems in which even knowing the initial state and all of the rules, the future state of the system is impossible predict without outright simulating the whole system, which is equivalent to simply watching it happen

i just woke up and I think I burned my throat from smoking too much during sleep deprived mania
No. 22425
Well I can't help you pick a topic to read about since making worthwhile posts is about genuine interest more than anything, but if you bounce some ideas around as they come to you, I might have something lying around to point you towards. I've read about a lot of different things in my time. Comes with the fixating mindset territory.
No. 22428
Despite only sleeping for 5 hours, I think I just had one of the best days in a long-long time.
I managed to study my hanzis, read some Dostoevsky, and I also managed to finally complete the book report.

I had two empty classes. Half of the first one was spent on writing the report, during the other half the girl I think likes me came up to me with a smile and sat besides me. We spent a good 30 minutes talking.
She wants me to look through her poetry. I gladly obliged.
Our little chit-chat was broken up by a teacher who needed the desk for a meeting, so she went to class, and I went down to the buffet in search of a power outlet for my laptop.
Before going down, I drank all the tea I had on me, and I felt really good, but at the buffet I ordered a coffee. It was like a reflex. I ordered it, picked it up, with my hands already shaking from that half a litre of tea, and I downed the cup. The rest of the day was spent in a caffeinated daze.
The report ended up being 4 pages long. Hopefully it's good. I had no literature class today, but I handed it in anyway, because I couldn't handle having a finished product on hand and not handing it in. Besides, it was already printed out, so it was too late to look for errors.

I did pretty well during all the classes. History class was especially good. We just started talking about the background of WW1, and there was a ton of literature mentioned. Two I already read. Anyway, that was fun, really fun.
I even managed to help out one time, by naming Ortega y Gasset as the philosopher who wrote one of the books.
Lenin's Popular outline of imperialism was brought up. That was also pretty enjoyable. I read the book last year, so I already knew what points the teacher will bring up in relation to it.
>"Of course Lenin is the devil himself so they don't mention things like these :^)"
Top lel tier.

No idea why I feel so good. I just do. There is still a test to prepare for, but I don't care. I'll just get on with it.
It's like I'm a demigod.
No. 22432
>What matters is that you get published for the first time.
Well, nothing is won yet and I only sent it to the Morgenbladet magazine I was mentioning a few minutes ago after finishing it last night and writing the Exposé today.
I already feel my heart beating faster when I'm only thinking about seeing their response in my mail account. Chance of rejection is high for I am a literary and literal nobody, but then again the chance to be a positive suprise is high as well and they're looking for unusual stories. I'll try not to get too involved with everything and just continue working on my novel until I get some feedback from them. If they turn me down, I'll take the time and sent it in elsewhere after regarding their criticism.

Other than that I had a quite calm day, visited my companies bureau to subscribe some papers, ate at the uni cafeteria and cleaned my room a bit.
Will spend the evening watching a movie and reading. I'll have to work the next two days so leisure time is ending again.

>She wants me to look through her poetry. I gladly obliged.
It's the other way round for me, hs crash lately emphatically asked me to send her my novel when it's done. Telling her that it's roughly gonna take a year until it's somewhere near done, I consoled her with promising to send some passages instead of an unfinished work. Now I feel anxious about it. Just today I've read a passage in Ernst Jüngers Autor und Autorschaft, a collection of aphorisms on being an author, and he mentioned Hamsun writing to a friend about how crushed he felt when critics wrecked his "Victoria". I can imagine the pain but not being understood by someone who I hold dear is a way bigger fear of mine. A few simple words of her concerning that I should send her a few "exciting passages" makes it only worse. Sure there are exciting passages, my first reader and critic even found the whole novella so exciting that he read it in one go, but I can't know what she sees as exciting. Maybe I should send her the unfinished work instead in a whole? I mean, passages without context sort of suck and cannot be too exciting.
No. 22434
I helped with the shopping. Bought a flatbread at Tesco. It was total ass. I don't know what I expected. Honestly, I want to throw up just thinking about the damn thing.

I'm totally tired now, and I haven't studied yet. I don't know if I'll manage. I'm totally dead, and I've wasted all this time, listening to music and staring at the screen out of pure tiredness.
I want to cry. Just how I wanted to cry when I saw a bunch of Arabs in the local Tesco. (Though some of them turned out to be gypsies, for they spoke something approximately resembling Hungarian, and they also had pork sausages in their carts.)

Think more along the lines of sending her an interesting segment instead. Unless your writing is based around a prose related gimmick, then a passage isn't much of value. Send her enough text so that it shows not only the prose, but also how the events and time progresses/works in your work.

It was surprising that she actually asked me to read her poems. She started smiling as soon as she saw me sitting at the table, and nonchalantly sat down next to me on the sofa.
No. 22435
Okay, I'm going to postpone the test one last time. One God damn time.
It's just like last year. I postponed chemistry related tests for so long, that my conscience literally didn't let me sleep by the end.
No. 22439
Fug, so much excitement in such a late hour.
I sent her some passages and after talking a bit throughout the night the following happened.

>I am speechless, how do you do that? I feel honoured that someone as profound as you likes me

I am a person that is too easily flattered anyways but her last words made me dizzy. Answered that "like" is yet an understatement and the frequency of my heartbeat went up to dangerous heights. She answered that she needs to learn liking herself, which wouldn't work at the moment and wished me a good night. Such cases.
No. 22442
106 kB, 1080 × 1108
I got banned from Kohl for saying the 4chan racism is cancer and the purpose of Kohl is to make us more whiny and Jewish. I didn't say racism is cancer, I said the cringey culture of trolling about race like little kids is cancer and its programming people to fail in the real world.
No. 22445
Sending resumes, getting rejected.

I appreciate this reality check, though. There are things I must work on to be an in demand. Things I should have done sooner.

Or maybe things I wouldn't have to do if I were more responsible in the past and pursued a better career. But at least I have the excuse of being mentally unwell at the time. Re-reading some of my old EC posts and discussions with my video game penpal, I can't help but cringe hard. I was basically dysfunctional, delusional, psychotic and REALLY far up my own ass. Textbook manchild.
No. 22459
I redacted my book report, because I re-read it, and it was full of typos. (As in, I noticed 3-4 right off the bat, and I was so ashamed of myself, I excused myself and said I'll send a better copy by midnight.)

Hanzi progress feels back on track again. I now just randomly take out my phone and solve 10-20 flashcards. Gonna rack up a few more before going to bed. Had to set an exercise cycle to a hundred cards, because it was just giving me a same few ones, if it was set to fifty.

On the way home, I took out my book, and read for a bit. Then a pensioner decided to make a small talk on the á propos of me reading with me. At first it was about his schooldays, then it turned into him propagating an esoteric method for healing and stress release, which he entrusted his life to, when he had throat cancer.

What a lovely night it must have been.
No. 22465 Kontra
At least you showed them. Is 4chan b online currently? Go and check for me.
No. 22466
>Re-reading some of my old...
>cringe hard
I know that feeling. Even without the dysfunctional, delusional, psychotic part, everyone who puts their thoughts on paper takes a risk. Posts, like you mentioned, or diaries and journals, preserve emotional states as well as ideas, and fragments of a metaphorically drunken mind don't always hold up to a sober reading. That seems like a good line, but I may regret it later. Still, I think it's better to write than to let those moments of insight disapear forever. In the posts/discussions you mentioned, you can't know what's going to turn out cringe, and what is worth preserving. So write it all down, and sort it out later. That's what I do. I have stacks of old journals, and even if they are mostly ego-destroying drivel, I occassionally find some good in there. The rest I just shake my head at.

>At first it was about his schooldays, then it turned into him propagating an esoteric method for healing and stress release
That sounds like the typical trajectory for a conversation with seniors XX/D. I once had a long talk that started with what I was reading, and ended with what it was like to be a military photographer during WWII. He told me how he got the job because he had experience taking wedding pictures, and soon found himself leaning out of an airplane holding a camera. Sometimes chatting with an old-timer gets pretty interesting.
No. 22468
There is nothing bad about cringing at your own posts.
I cring at then the minute after I’ve posted them.
No. 22469
lol b-ok.org no longer allows downloading books
instead they advertise me a VPN service "to protect yourself from expensive lawsuits and fines". Yes, expensive lawsuits for downloading in Russia.
No. 22470
At least it was lovely until I started thinking about her words. What does it even mean to be honoured by someone liking you. It sounds like rejection the more I think about it. But then again I didn't ask her about anything (didn't even text her for a week and it was only some casual talk so it even more so came ojt of nowhere), she just dropped it in after all the flattery directed towards me. Lord knows what's going on other than me being as insecure as a regularily beaten dog.
No. 22471
My thoughts got caught up in loops of amorous suffering again. It should have been clear to me that omitting those by just not texting her for a while wouldn't solve anything. Still getting some distance was a good idea. I feel like I'm starting to control my impulsive emotionality and tendency to overreact to every small stimulus a bit better.

Just had to continue working on the novel after it stood still for about a month. Obviously it didn't stood still de facto, I've written a lot of new text in that time but I had yet to integrate it into what I have. Turns out that obivously it's not easy to expand a work on such a dramatical scale as I'm doing it without butchering it. I had to do some fine cuts in a couple of sentences, change single words at the right places and rewrite short passages but seems like it worked out without greater troubles.
What the whole action made me realize though: I need to heavily work through the whole thing again and analyze it, get a bit more conscious about it's structure. Not over-conscious, as I always write quite intuitive and organic but at least conscious. Before it was sort of hazy. It existed but not wholly in the way I had it in my mind. Also there still is this passage where great parts of the plot are pretty much just retold. I'll need to cut it out and replace it with the actual events themselves, which definitely won't be easy.
Good that I got through with the report, so now I can go back to focusing on the novel.

I missed working on it, it's the only thing that really gives me peace. Also soon I'll be around at my hometown more often for birthdays and other events, looking forward to that.
No. 22487
I guess reworking novels is a common thing, we don't know what the "geniuses" do but srlsly they are not gods but people like you and me and rework there novels furiously :DDD

I will attend a workshop on Kulturjournalismus soon, so maybe I can come back with some things that could help us in how to approach paid writing. Or least how to write tho you might be more far in that than me already, since I'm deeply in the academic realm while journalism needs a creative potential, reports are based on good writing and not just info and arguments, that potential I would need to develop a bit more and how to get it out in the media.
No. 22492
346 kB, 898 × 878
Yesterday, before going to bed, I took off Kawabata's Handtellergeschichten from the shelf, and I sat down to read it. Mainly to improve on my German. It was a really crushing wake-up call, since I took to the dictionary no less than 20 times just during the first page.
Maybe it's just a "hard" book. I'll try reading something simpler instead. My copy of Deutsche Heldensagen should do it. That's simple enough. It's a retelling for kids, after all.

My day was fine. I studied the hanzis a lot. Truth to be told, I even recognised one on the subway on someone else's bag. Lovely.

I don't think I've enjoyed my classes this much in a very long time. Especially history class.
We're about to start WW1, and the build-up is incredibly fun to hear about.
Last year I recommended my history teacher Jünger's Storm of steel, and this year, he mentioned it as "recommended reading" during class.

So, I've been sleeping 5-6 hours, and yet I'm having the time of my life for whatever reason. Though I look like a zombie before having my first cup of proper tea after the first class.

>Sometimes chatting with an old-timer gets pretty interesting.
Yes, but only if they had an adventurous life. Or they know a lot about something. Most old people are just average people, who got old.
A good story I heard by an old man was how he was detained by a police officer in '56 after he got caught trying to join the revolutionaries still persisting in the countryside.
>Can you even fucking aim with a rifle?
>Give me yours and I'll show it!
That's an exciting tale. Throat cancer and using new age methods to heal it is just depressive.

Works on my machine, Rusernst. Don't you have the lower button like I do?
No. 22509
One of those nights where even after a long day of exhausting work I still can't fall asleep early. But lately something's changed again, I feel a certain unrest creeping back into me. I have to be completely exhausted physically and mentally before being able to sleep. I need to feel this tingling under the skin of my head when it has had too much.
During a day at work I have so many thoughts, it's probably not healthy anymore. Constant thinking, constant imagined talks, imagined sentences, imagined hypothethical futures.
When I look at and realize what my body is doing, pushing around carts for example, I sometimes feel like I'm awaking from a little afternoon nap or those short, opioid-induced daydreams.
Even more so when I'm in my bed as I am right now. My reality is parted, no it's at least quartered and sometimes it's hard to hold all of them together. I should tone down a bit with the working, the simple, monotonous and effectively boring work I do pretty much forces me to think all the time.
It's a special kind of loneliness I feel. There are people I could talk to but I don't feel the need to most of the time. Then it all keeps coming out suddenly, flowing into this post for example.

After getting home I read a short story by Hermann Stahl, a quite forgotten german writer (he was well known in the 40s and 50s, during the third reich he sort of emigrated into a little village and stayed a literary outsider for the rest of his life, even though being quite acknowledged and productive). It was a quite typical story of the Nachkriegszeit but quite nicely written with some pretty intense imagery at times. Then again some heavily chlicheé kind of sentences, but the beauty overweighed the occasional platitudes. Not to mention the whole post-war theme can quickly get boring once you've read your fair share of it. Sometimes even feels like a certain kind of Kitsch but I guess that's easy to say as someone who couldn't be further away from the feelings you have during and after war times.


Also watched Herzog's Cobra Verde, a good movie. Also it was hilarious to read how disgusted the german feuilletion was about it, Karasek must have been in epileptic fits of anger while writing down his critique.
He especially got angry about the part with the massive practicing army of black woman warriors led by Kinski. I liked the scene the most, it was beautifully ecstatic and wild.

Nice, I had a workshop in my head as well for this semester but missed signing up for it. I'm still enlisted in uni, so why not use it for my purposes. Not sure though if they'll still accept me if it hasn't already taken place. I'm curious what you'll have to tell about it.
Well, I might be a bit more developed on the creative aspect but therefore the academical one is only developed in a rather autodidactic fashion and I'm wildly eclectic about the sources and knowledge I ingest. Only submitted a single work during the time of my studies and didn't even go to the meeting where it should be talked about. I was appaled from the beginning about following the given academic forms in writing. Sure, you're supposed to transcend them given the time and probably putting yourself through this pain is an important part but I really couldn't be bothered at at the end of the day. Science is just not for me, at least not doing it on my own.
Generally inside journalism it is said though that a scientific education is seen as a standard so theoretically you're better off anyways. Then again a former classmate of mine studied journalism and now works as PR-counselor in a traveling agency.
But as she didn't have any real agenda and visions about what to write and how to do it, it's no surprise to me.
Being succesful in any business probably means finding your niche, I think you've got yours but then again it's a pretty great field already.
When you want to write about theory, don't you have some small students papers in your city? I visited the regular meetings of such a paper years ago and they're probably a good way to start out.
No. 22511
I keep having monitor problems. It will do this weird epilepsy inducing shit of flashing bars and changing colors but only playing one particular game. I am dreaded that it's my video card dying or some other shit that can't be fixed.
No. 22516
Are you using HDMI?

If you're still using VGA (for some reason), it might be a connection problem or interference.
If you have HDMI or DVI or Display port, they are digital connections, meaning the artifacts are coming from the GPU.
No. 22517
Happy to be finally having the first proper vacation in years. My mother is equally pleased as this is my mother's day present to her.

Hello Adirondacks
No. 22518
>When you want to write about theory, don't you have some small students papers in your city? I visited the regular meetings of such a paper years ago and they're probably a good way to start out.

Yeah, they exist student papers, but one is theme based and the other is only literature more or less. The problem is that I could have some ideas but they are broad and I never develop them further. Theory is quite a difficult field that needs lots and lots of readings, ofc for a paper you can be done with a few articles or a book. But writing professionally you have to know your fair share of it in general. I never wrote about theory alone, always applied to a topic. I have this paper about current nostalgia and Walter Benjamin, when an idea strucks it can be very good. The Ästhetik of the old BRD interests me since I watched old Aktenzeichen XY and read the BRD Noir. That's not professional history but it's a starter on a mature academic topic. Tho for Kulturjournalismus you could take a thing from that and develop it again, without being too professional about in an academic fashion.

Your other stuff reminds me of my younger me. I don't know whats going on with me these days, I still have problems but I don't know, it's like I'm dulled of thinking over the years. Cannot even say I'm really depressed anymore. At least it took another form. Nothing special ever happens besides hyped feelings from reading. I badly want a woman in my life again but I'm not actively doing anything, probably chickend out from a date with a course mate but then again I was never really much attracted to her even tho I like her somehow. I began writing with a former college from work, lets see what will happen, probably nothing.
No. 22523
155 kB, 1920 × 1080
>tfw completed reworking two chapters of the translation today
We're back in business, baby. On the contrary, I dropped two glasses today. So I might not be back in business.
Besides a few little factual and stylistic errors, there isn't much to clean up. I only had to re-write one sentence.

I'm really starting to feel Dostoevsky's Idiot. It picks up speed around chapter 10 or so, and I actually laughed out loud while reading it on the bus.

I just made some tea (The strong as fuck shit from Yunnan that turns your insides yellow, not the mellow Earl Grey), and I'll try reading some German tonight. A retelling of Germanic myths might be closer to my level. At least closer than Kawabata.
Then I'll prepare for the fucking test I've been postponing for more than two months.
For some reason I feel better and more productive, and I have no fucking idea why. The output of the system changed, but I can't pinpoint the new variable.
What matters, is that I feel almost heroic for some reason. Might be a side effect of listening to those Wagner-highlights over and over again.

While I can't give any constructive criticism to the German Ernst for my lack of experience with anything, I still wish them good luck.
No. 22527
I have the thought that my life might be too comfortable and that this is impacting my personal development. I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say that having things together can be a motivation killer and the perfect conditions for habits to takeover. The observation has been around for awhile but an article on Ribbonfarm (kudos to whoever suggested it) really got me thinking about whether I might be trapped:

I've always been someone who needs stress and now a rage has been bubbling in me for how passive my life seems to be. Something for me to chew on some more I think but then I'm not sure I can follow the advice in the article about setting my life on fire. There's lesser stuff I can do maybe.
No. 22535
187 kB, 750 × 989
I'm sitting on a interdisciplinary catapult, white crystalline crumbles of theory and fiction (which also means: art).

Reading about the CCRU again with ever greater interest, while sinking deeper into my lecture of the Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze & Guattari. I'm not sure what to do with the inhumane and procapitalist gesture of the CCRU, not interested in the occultist ingredients much. Yet I'm asking myself how to activate those intensities again in another direction, how is it possible to follow their path but take another route along the way to make space for something new, which nobody is having on their radar so far. A new anticipation of the future.
Why do we never get rid of the Trümmer der Geschichte, being benjaminate angels. I have to take note of those ruins of the past in order to built my own conclusions for the future. Is that really inevitable?
Thinking about it, it really can be said that books and texts are energy machines that are plugged into an energy machine (me). Intensity of intensity.

My god, I really hope that books and texts of that sort never run out of supply, as it feels that I found a substance substitution in them.
No. 22549
>zeal of converts
Actually the one thing I'm pretty sure is known for being a warning sign politically is exactly this, namely because what's being looked for is longterm stability and loyalty in some areas. It is well known everywhere from law enforcement to high politics that you simply cannot trust a turncoat, and this is partly why the Soviets did shit like the lining up everyone to be shot who was a previous "true believer" useful idiot.

For starters, a person who was raised in a religion or ideology takes it for granted, yes, but it remains an integral part of their identity. You can strip it by brainwashing, or have them rebel against it, but it forever remains their central reference point, even in their own rebellion. It's the "you can take the tribesman out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tribesman" type of thing.

This is also partly due to the Alcibiades effect. Well, except that Alcibiades may have never been sincere. The problem with a sincere convert is they approach the new personal order with a sense of boundless enthusiasm, sure, but that enthusiasm is often bound up in their own naivete and idealism also. The result of this is going to be that they also tend to kickback way harder when they become more jaded and self aware, and become more jaded and aware they absolutely will eventually. This is different from the Machiavellians and the cynics who at least start out that way, or clearly understand the difference between the ideal and what is, or in Soviet terms "we are still building Communism" as opposed to the Western Communist convert who will sooner or later be shocked by reality and the actual which is mired in cynicism. They will, at best, end up trying to "reform" or transform the movement/ideology from within.

It's a bit of a tangent in relation to that, but is also directly related because the longer and harder you rebel against yourself, the sharper you're eventually going to take a dive into being who you once really were and fundamentally still are on some level. The process of self transformation is gradual. Trying to use that type of convert's zeal is more likely to amount to a flash in the pan and a fart on the wind in the long term. This is why it also matters politically as well as self improvement wise, because you want long-term gains and stable dividends, not the sort of absolutely reckless investment strategy of a person trying to psych themselves up to doing something without laying the basic groundwork.
No. 22551
Today was very good. I did the usual faire.
When I got home, I reinstalled Mount&Blade, and I ended up playing it for five hours.
With the medieval mod of course. I wanted to play as a Rheinland Junker, so I travelled there from Milan, and while looking for work, I wandered over into Denmark, where I was promptly killed by pirates. So at the first chance I fled south and became a nobleman in Hungary instead.
I don't remember the game being this much fun.
My thirst for heroism has been quenched.

Is accelerationism actually a thing with a solid theoretical founding?
It seems so strange and out there to me. So memetic.
It didn't stop me from namedropping it during one of my english exams
No. 22552
>Is accelerationism actually a thing with a solid theoretical founding?

There are various opinions on what it is and how to pursue it. It has theoretical/philosophical groundings. The CCRU tho also crossed the border into other territory including gothic, it's theoryfiction, it's not normal philosophy anymore, not science. A friend told me gothic has to do with the 'outside' which they are were looking for somehow back then and some members and readers (blogs) still use the gothic knowledge in their works.

Simon Reynolds wrote an article about the CCRU in 1999, worth a read if you want to know more about this unit, many old members are/were in academia or publish books anyway.


This article could also be called accelerationistic but it's not inspired by a Landian/CCRU reading of the world

No. 22557
1,1 MB, 900 × 681
That feel when sitting at the top of the long drop down from autistic fixating mindset/hypomania. I'm getting a bit anxious about it tbh. I can tell that the collapse of my mindset is not far out but I don't know exactly when, and also have no real desire for my current ability to not feel like crap (even if I'm unproductive) to ennd.
No. 22560
I came home from work with a plastic tray of Chinese food. Walking by the waiting cars in front of a red light there was a van. I first spot it's for a political party, then I see it's for a female European parliament member, her upper body and a euro flag printed on the outside. I unintentionally look inside and the RL version of the van print smiles at me a big smile. Not sure if it was honest or a politicians smile, it was really using all face muscles rather heavily and it was very surprising. Anyway I didn't smile back since it was rather akward. But just seconds later I felt a small guilt for disappointing her evening, because I don't value her political work or beang a human bean. It was a bright sundown, the day all shiny and then this.
The chinese food wasn't hot spiced as I expected from the extra brackets behind the dish noting that it would be.
No. 22561
I think I just played Mount&Blade for 10 hours. This is incredible. (I mean, it WOULD be incredible if I haven't doomed the realm I pledged allegiance to by raiding a caravan at the start of the game. You choices indeed have adverse effects on the outcome of the game.)

I didn't want to do much because of the headache I woke up with. I did re-read the Fourth Adventure from the Nibelungenlied. It's the one where Siegfried defeats the Saxons.
No. 22562
For the first time since my sobriety I'm over at my hometown with my friends from school.
Really it's not less fun than drunk even though they're all drinking lots of liquor. It's even a bit more fun because I'm not completely loaded like I used to get with them.
At the same time I'm missing it the most here, it's always a very special mood. Like, we're all gone through all kinds of different shit together and are a very tight clique. Drinking here is like something deeply spiritual.
Anyways I'll go back to drinking at least a reasonable amount of beer and wine soon. Liquor only at 3 or 4 times a year. Also only drinking at actual events, not just every week for no reason.
No. 22563
>Disappointed her
I'd wager in a few hours she wouldn't even remember the "incident" or your face. Even if she wanted to. Even with a "position", she is still a human being (Thought you might argue that politicians have left behind what we call humanity for better or worse). You met for a few seconds on a street, while she was sitting in a car.
Let me tell you, yesterday I saw an exceptionally pretty girl on the bus. It was almost love at first sight. A slim body with just enough curves to not make her look too boyish. And the giant pink teddy bear and the skateboard she carried only added to the effect.
Now you see, while I wanted to remember her face, for it was pretty, when I close my eyes, I fail to remember a single detail about her besides her style, which I only remember, because it intersected with my tastes.
People on the street are completely fucking meaningless.
Ignore the beggars, and give musicians playing classical instrument some pocket change.

Though I can't blame you, I'd feel bad too if such a thing were to happen to me.
No. 22573
So the party that they didn't want to win won the election so my sister and her bf blame me because I don't vote on the basis of mandatory voting being tyrannical and the fact that I don't want to support it or a system where politicians just have to convince me to vote for them instead of having to convince me to even part with my vote at all.

Also, rate Australian 'representative government' where you can cop a fine for not voting for one of the sanctioned parties.
No. 22574
It would be nice without the sanctioned parties honestly. The elections in this country are actually decided by a small fraction of voters. I think it's super low like below 50%
yeah it usually hovers around 50%. If this were an African country it would be called a fucking fucked up kangaroo court bullshit corrupt undemocratic system. And of course the biggest segments of voters are fat boomer retards who watch Fox "news" hence part of our constantly having the most idiotic policies. Said fat retarded fucking boomers who swing elections are also a major factor in why we have muh Israel among other things. Frankly I wish people were forced to vote here, and that we had a multiparty system so we could avoid the absolute shit show that was 2016. We only even almost cracked a whopping 60% turnout purely because both candidates were so shit and so divisive it motivated a whole 10% to get off their asses purely out of anger.
No. 22575
>I wish people were forced to vote here
Do you really think it would help? Well, tell you what, I am an employee of a public company, so there's a non-zero possibility that I will be fired if I don't go to vote in elections (all of them, from the presidential ones, which I can figure out more or less, to the local council elections, which only make me wonder who the fuck are all these people when I see the ballot), and same applies for uni students, although in that case the leverages are a bit different, like being thrown out of a dorm or flunked out at an exam. But guess what, whenever I go to vote, I still either vote nobody or just fuck the ballot up (and yes, I did draw a penis on a ballot once, with swastikas around it), so the obligatory voting doesn't change much. If people aren't interested in politics or if they don't really believe that politicians can change things for better, then they wouldn't care who to vote for.
No. 22578
Except it makes the moronic mistake of forgetting that a vote for no party is a vote in itself. I find no party or MP that represents me to my satisfaction. Therefore I will not vote for any of them. If they want me to vote for them, they can convince me it's worth my damn time. Under mandatory voting, an informed decision to not support their incestuous system is made a crime and is thus an act of disenfranchisement. I simply fail to see how that is not a fundamental and crass infringement of my right to free conscience. Besides, even with our many parties and independents, it was still about 90% of the voting population that voted for the big two. Making us vote doesn't change squat in that regard. Remember the famous quote, "if voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal". Making it compulsory seems the opposite to me.

I mean shit, I half hope that they do fine me so I can ignore it and make them take me to court. Even if I lose, it's a short sentence for me and makes them look really fucken bad.
No. 22581
Is there a sudden drop in posts.
No. 22583
1003 kB, 480 × 272, 0:19
I don't know what the numbers are, but we do go through some slow periods now and then, when I assume people get busy with other things. And then we have occassional bursts of activity when everyone shows up at once. Such is life.
No. 22584
On End/kc we have similar fluctuation. Posters are fewer and fewer and then one day I just notice that only two of us posted that day, and the other guy only one post, then it perks up, every few month the cycle repeats. Not sure why. Maybe the topics became stale and needs someone to bring up something fresh.
Yesterday we were 15, I was amazed.
No. 22588
Do westerners currently live in a very boring and yet quite exciting time? Or does it apply to all modern societies?
Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place. Does boredom reek of the sensations of the new? Real change seems to be going on, it excites me to be a witness and yet it's not really taking place in my own world it seems, like a TV show it's in a distance and becomes therefore boring, it's not really there, not lived by me, yet lived indeed.
No. 22589
Only the idiots who know little to nothing. We actually live in an incredibly boring and placid time during the end stage of empires. It sucks. All this shit people think is exciting and important, isn't. The "exciting" things are the upcoming catastrophes of the great anthropocene extinction event and climate change, which is making me really fucking paranoid that we're going to end up converting our planet to Venus, as well as both China entering the world stage and the increasingly oppressive US police state. It does not help that the new generation, who are all complete disgusting fuckwits, grew up with US style prison schools and literally know nothing of freedom to the point they dont even have an I tribal reference point to conceptualize what freedom looks like which is why they're all either depraved fat disgusting decadent tumbrlrinas or perhaps even worse a bunch of militant goddam fascists and authoritarians shitting up my country. Dumb fucking kids going super SJW authoritarian or filthy fascists because they never knew better and assume tyranny is normal, which is exactly how I predicted it would be. They're utterly useless and hopeless. Meanwhile said shit headed kids also grew up assuming constant surveillance and utter lack of privacy is okay. Theyve now shifted to Discord apparently which is even fucking worse from what I hear regarding privacy, and the DARPA/Zuckerberg empire.

What I see is August through September. A bunch of idiots cackling over nothing, drunken sods with empty lusts, in placid and lazy summer days unaware of the sheer horror and depravity and deprivation coming soon as everything dies and the people who didnt or were unable to store anything and protect themselves over winter starve. That is the world to me right now. Preparations must take place. None of it is happening, except the billionaire oligarchs turning it into a police state and robbing us of everything they can before shit really hits the fan.
No. 22594
Come to think, I noticed I have cycles of activity on Internet resources. Like, a certain period of time I visit imageboards, another period of time I visit forums.
The sad thing is, most places I used to visit exist no more.
No. 22595
God damn it, I haven't done anything all weekend but play Mount & Blade while listening to Minnesäng.
I'm going to get a fucking copy of Walther von der Vogelweide's works, because this is awesome.

Tomorrow is going to be shit. I can feel it. I won't get enough sleep, and I'll have to study.

I support this theory.
No. 22601
>Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place.
I think we live in dull times, but tell exciting stories. Most change occurs somewhere else, or to someone else, but I can read about it. Those things then seem personal, even though I'm still just doing the same daily routine. Maybe my getting to read so much about other lives counts as an exciting change. Peter Thiel said "We wanted flying cars, instead we got 140 characters[twitter].” He was talking about the shortcomings of tech innovation, but I think it applies to life in general. The changes we expect aren't as big when we get up close to them. It's like driving a car towards a steep incline in the distance. The hill gradually flattens out until you don't even notice it.

>I have cycles of activity on Internet resources
Yeah, I've noticed something similar. Without deciding to visit or not visit sites, my daily circles occassionally shift around. I guess my brain likes to change gears or something.
No. 22602
Ha ha volga is big car
No. 22604
My man, you must upgrade to 1257AD/Hispania 1200 while listening to Cantigas de Santa Maria.
Though I'd appreciate examples of top-tier Minnesang.

>The problem is, that it feels like I don't have a plan, and not having one feels like as if there was no ground under my feet.
You're in high school, and you're going to go to college. That's your plan. Unless you don't know what school to go to or what you're going to study, you don't have the right to freak out about not doing anything.

Just play some video games and be a fucking teenager. Also ask that girl out.
No. 22606
I am this close to going mad.

After spending a year working towards a completely useless degree that I am being forced to get I feel like dying. I realise that I can't go back home since I was forced out of my parents' house because in their minds getting one was something I had to go through. Now you may be thinking that I am a spoiled asshole who is complaining about getting a chance to not only go through four years of university while receiving generous sums of money that can be spent whoever I wish to from my family every month but also graduate debt-free.
You're probably right but due to a number of reasons I had to go for a bachelor's in Oriental studies, specifically Japanese history and the language as well, which is a waste of time unless you wish to move to Japan and attend a japanese high school while wearing a kimono girded with a katana.

Not to mention, I have zero interest in the Japanese language and every time I think about my career prospects upon graduating a sense of dread overcomes me. Moreover, the way studying is done at university as a whole makes me want to neck myself. Constantly writing papers and having to complete group tasks such as coming up with projects alongside my fellow students without being able to sleep properly is a hellish experience for someone who couldn't care less about their field of study since I have no motivation to go through all this nonsense day after day, week after week. I realise that dropping out without a plan is childish and irresponisble but I cannot getting through three more years of this without finding myself one day taking a head-first dive into the pavement from a window.

I would appreciate any stories from older Ernsts who have been through similar situations but any kind of a response is welcome. Thanks a lot in advance.
No. 22609
>The changes we expect aren't as big when we get up close to them

That is a reason to be bored. Yeah, the big mediation might inject shallow excitement. But I'm not talking about the big sensations and headlines but the ongoing change that is not really noticeable as many things never rise to the surface of the bigger media channels, pass by without any or few attention directed towards it. That's the exciting things, the change that is not just constructed but somehow really happening. My life feels like a stagnant water. But there is gradual change which is actually interesting. I cannot put my fingers on it really.

Do you hate all subjects or just not interested in the Japanese thing? Can't you change your subject? If you won't have much motivation, it will be truly shit. I know people study law/jurisdiction or other stuff are not really motivated but want the good job prospects/income. Some get off along the way, some stay persistent.
No. 22612
Report got turned down. The woman in charge of reading it said it wouldn't fit in terms of style and furthermore the magazine would only be published twice a year and they'd be full already for the next two prints.
Not too much of a let-down as I wasn't expecting too much.
Ironically it wad only last night that I couldn't sleep out of existential panic. Imagining that there is no way out for me, that my pursues are fruitless and that everything I write will be turned down. That in the end I'll be left with nothing, maybe moving back into my hometown where nothing awaits me.
I need to cut this thoughts, at least until next year when I'm through with my novel.
Tonight I'll write another mail to another magazine, this time a weekly one. Will need to work on some passages though.
My shift is going to start in 5 minutes. At least it's the only day of work this week, otherwise I'd probably completely lose my sanity here.
No. 22613
>last night that I couldn't sleep out of existential panic. Imagining that there is no way out for me, that my pursues are fruitless and that everything I write will be turned down. That in the end I'll be left with nothing, maybe moving back into my hometown where nothing awaits me.

I occasionally have sames, tho for me it's being stuck in my hometown forever :DDD I'm thinking of staying another year after finishing university and looking to get some internships, I would be nearly 30 when I move to the big metropolis then, it feels so fucking akward and also why I'm such a pussy, being afraid of not finding new people
No. 22614
And don't give up, there are quite a few magazines, that might like your report, you just need to know them.
No. 22618
20 kB, 450 × 450
>Ernsts who have been through similar situations
I also studied a subject I had no interest in, and know what's it's like to go through university with no motivation. My Major was Business Admistration, which some people can get excited over, but I'm not one of those people, and I chose it for lazy stupid reasons.
This was already said by >>22609, but is there any way to change what you're studying to something else? You said it was due to a number of reasons, but do those reasons give you any flexibility? You're only a year in, and even if switching your Major is hard, it will make your daily experience so much better. My literature and art classes were like an oasis, a break from the tedium of Cost Accounting, and I can only imagine what that time would have been like if I had taken more of them. If you absolutely can't change fields, then how free is your class schedule? Is it possible to get a Minor degree in an area you do like? Even if it means taking more classes, then at least you'll have something to build on after you graduate. I was too deep in(and piling up debt)when this idea occurred to me, but I still wish I had done it.

>getting through three more years of this
Take it one day at a time.

>got turned down
>I'll write another mail to another magazine
I don't know a lot about being creative professionally, but I know that's the right attitude to have.
No. 22624
You bet I played with 1257AD. It's one hell of an experience to fight all kinds of nations.
Shockingly enough, whenever I encounter a group from a new kingdom, I get my ass kicked, because I have no idea how to counter them.
Mongols are the easiest to fight against. No armour, you shoot down their horses while riding your own horse (because I accidentally became a horse archer myself), and then your infantry moves down their soldiers.
I have no idea how to fight against the Berbers and the Arabs though. I always suffer horrific losses when the fight is 1:1.
So the game is good, I like how I have to adapt my fighting style constantly to keep up with the enemy.
No. 22625
455 kB, 589 × 591
Haven't posted in a while, then again there's not much happening. I'm also kind of relaxed lately, much to my own surprise. No anxiety, no fear of failing to meet my own grandiose expectations, or at least it's all still there, but rather subdued. What seems to be almost entirely gone though, is the earnest engagement with philosophical topics and big questions. I guess it was a gradual detachment over time, but now I really feel like I'm not interested in reading all those philosophy books I've been putting off.
My small freelance gig went quite well. Can't really find a Master's course that appeals to me so I've been looking for actual jobs now. Only sent one application so far though, tbh I really dread working full-time in a corporate environment but there don't seem to be many alternatives (or maybe I'm not looking in the right places).
Also an old friend moved back here again and we've been hanging out and somehow picked up skateboarding together. Maybe it's that quarter-life crisis or whatever, haha. Anyways it's pretty hard and as of yet I only ride on a road outside of town to practice, can't even land an ollie yet.

I stopped posting :^)

Well, don't do anything rash but don't hesitate too long either. One year into a degree is still not too much of an investment to quit, but what would be your alternative?
I only realized I'm not really interested in my field when I was almost finished so I ended up pulling through with it, but then again it was in an at least somewhat marketable field. With a degree in Oriental Studies I don't think you can do a lot, especially if you're not passionate about it.
I guess it's a bit of a cliché advice but you should probably do some soul-searching to figure out what you'd like to do (or at least wouldn't make you want to kill yourself 24/7) and see if/how you can pivot into that direction.
No. 22628
Why are you forced into Oriental Studies? Is it really impossible to change to something you care about?
Do whatever you have to to get into a program you're invested in.
No. 22641
Had a rather useless day really. Literally didn't do anything else than taking a bus to the uni cafeteria and getting back home, reading an e-paper edition of the newspaper I'll have the internship at and eating way too much ice-cream.
Also spend some time texting with the girl. Yes, the one because of which I went through a lot of shit earlier this year.
We're back on the same level as before everything went to shit, only with her being even more instable now and regularily consuming marihuana. At least I stayed away from her for roughly two months, then wished her a happy birthday. I knew beforehand that this would be the crucial day but a couple of days later I realized that I was sort of waiting for it to happen (really the pain stung for longer than I thought) and we got in a fight again. Everything cooled down once again and at the beginning of the last month we somehow got friendly with each other again.
Mostly due to my earthly desires I kept contact with her over snapchat (to my defense, she is the only contact I have there), then at some point she opened up to me again out of nowhere and I saved her mother from further indulging in romance with some online relationship-scammer.
Afterwards I just kept texting her every once in a while but lately she completely went back to being how she was before I started getting obsessive and we're back on the friends with benefits (as we're also supplying each other emotionally this is sort of the wrong word though) track now.
Still it seems like we have both learned our lessons as we keep a bit of distance at least (which is sometimes hard to do because she would pretty much text me 24/7 if I would just keep answering all the time) and I don't feel anything. I mean, it's hard to say I'm not feeling anything at all
but sure as hell not the way I did back then and I'm pretty sure I even couldn't if I wanted. It's sort of like we both know what to expect so it feels alright and I don't worry.
Especially as my hs crush now is ignoring me again and I'm really tired with her.
Concerning the woman question it all looks pretty bleak. I don't care much about it these days but every now and then it keeps creeping up to me, thinking about what it would be like to have someone special. But then again, there is barely a way for me to get to know any new. None at my work, none in the two social groups I'm moving in (here and in my hometown, all are either in a relationship or friends with me for too long).
The only traditional way I could pursue (traditional in terms of not using online-dating which I won't) is asking my friend and his wife to introduce me to some fellow students of her and I think they'd totally go with it if I described the situation to them (not to mention women seem to have the tendency to enjoy the act of procuration).
Speaking of women, when I visited my hometown last time I was taking a walk through the streets and listening too music when I met that old classmate of mine I told you about once (the dancer with the rather unfriendly seeming boyfriend I saw at the supermarket that one evening) who was taking in the tables at the local ice cream tables. She laughed happily for about half a minute when seeing me and we automatically had some small talk. She mentioned that she'd like to see everyone again (she cut contact with her friends for some reason, who still regularily visit the occasional drinking meetups of our clique) so I suggested her to just reach out to me in one way or another when the time's come.
By the way I feel like I'm getting lost in tedious details again that are none of Ernstchan's interest at this point. Funnily I've lately read that it would be a traditional element of Niederdeutsch/Low German prose writers that they keep on getting lost in irrelevant details and extrapolating them excessively. I'm not really from the same region but for some reason due to my readings I'm slowly but steadily developing a rather random but intense spiritual connection to it.
No. 22642 Kontra
>ice cream tables
No. 22643 Kontra
>Ice cream tables
meant tow write ice cream café.
No. 22657
any good pages to inform yourself in an interesting, non-dry way about current progressions in (micro) biology (more: biotechnology etc.), military/security and computers/computation.

I would also gladly accept books by journalists that don't need to be super critical, neutral stuff is more welcome. What I want is non-dryness, no pure academical speech or in group speech what I suspect of military e.g. I at least need some gentle introductions.
No. 22661
3,1 MB, 1920 × 1080
I finally know everything for the biology test. I'll write it on Friday by the latest, then I'll study some more, and write the second test I've missed on Tuesday, so for the end of the year exams I'll have only piss easy human anatomy instead of biochemistry.

I'm going to study mathematics now for tomorrow's test.

It kept raining, so I postponed going into the city to buy tea. It's sad. When it rains, none of the bookstands are open.
And I don't own a raincoat either.

During extra literature classes, we had to put our technical knowledge into practice by writing a comparative essay on two poems. That was quite nice.

I wish I had one more week of school, so my exams wouldn't feel so rushed. Two weeks, and they are here. It'll be horrible. The end of the world even.
Gonna have to ask around, what they'll want me to know. Physics and maths will be my bane.

Hanzi study rate is down again. I'm never going to learn the language. I should just delete it all and start over again.

Yesterday I had a dream that the death of the queen of England was announced. That was really strange. I actually had to check if it was true or not.

The next two weeks will be really fucking stressful.
No. 22662
>I don't own a raincoat

Get an umbrella from a thrift store.
No. 22663
I don't really follow these fields too closely but here are some related accounts/pages I know of:

https://twitter.com/antonioregalado // https://www.technologyreview.com/biotechnology/

https://twitter.com/Scholars_Stage // http://scholars-stage.blogspot.com/
No. 22665
I'm set to begin learning Italian in a few months but obviously I'd like to learn before I start. Does Ernst have any recommended apps or methods of learning? I messed about in school so my only experience was using some phone app from years ago that broke. I was learning with that app though.

Also I spilt tomato soup all down myself before a big meeting today and had to run around buying a new shirt. Naturally those bastards at the shirt store know that anyone who comes in they have over a barrel so I paid a ridiculous amount. Fuck tomatoes.

>Nothing seems to change and yet you are constantly reminded of the coming catastrophe or a new sensation taking place.

3 years ago Britain voted to leave the European Union but we're voting for our next batch of MEPs tomorrow ¯\(ツ)

>You're probably right but due to a number of reasons I had to go for a bachelor's in Oriental studies, specifically Japanese history and the language as well, which is a waste of time unless you wish to move to Japan and attend a japanese high school while wearing a kimono girded with a katana.

You could join the Foreign/Economy Ministry and help Mother Russia have a prosperous far east. Japan is putting her fingers in everyone's pies at the moment (trade and investment) and I can imagine even if the Kuril Islands dispute goes anywhere it will be a joint sovereignty deal that needs people to look after it. Get that kind of exp. and you can then do non-Japanese things if you want.

Worse comes to it you will still have a degree and that counts for something no matter what you want to do.

>I would appreciate any stories from older Ernsts who have been through similar situations but any kind of a response is welcome. Thanks a lot in advance.

Why are you having such trouble writing papers? Why did you choose to study this topic, surely you once had interest but have now become demotivated?

To cut to the point: It sounds more like you are having trouble with the work and that is pushing you over the edge with stress. If that is true then talk to your lecturers or, at least, talk with us.

The workload should be manageable if you break it into bite-size chunks but you might be struggling on something (the university will help if you've fallen behind).
Dealing with groups of people sucks dick but you need to learn these skills and there's a lot of advice people can give on how to deal with it.
No. 22666
The MIT review for all topics might be interesting for me. Atm I'm keen to discover the possibilities of technology and the entanglement with society and humanity (last in a philosophical sense as well both clearly stems from reading accelerationists)

I scanned MIT Press for books already. There is an old one from 1986 that somehow could be interesting since it's also written by people working for corporations like Monsanto. So no really technical details.

This seems the most suitable for me.

Maybe I should also get into technical details but you know there is so much to read, I don't even know where to direct my mind to. Too bad I'm a total whackass when it comes to natural science, I was always shit and not interested in school. Well, can't know it all.
No. 22667
There's plenty of lonely women at adult dating events - stuff like speed-dating or even a book club. Your woman issues sound exhausting and a complete waste of time.
No. 22670
I think adult dating events aren't as a big thing here as in the anglosphere, at least I couldn't find any in my city that don't look either completely greasy or like a catfish. From what I know you can part the dating spectrum into those three opportunities: social circles (the most common), uni/education, partying.
Sure there is online dating but I stay away from it, seems perverse to me.
Honestly my chances would probably be the best if I'd go out and party a bit (even though I have a fair share of different friends, nobody of them likes to go out to bars and nightclubs. Most of them are a bit older than me or suffer from way more severe assburgers/have gf's on the other extreme) or talk to women I see and like in everyday life. But in the latter I'm so detached that I usually don't go beyond smiling back.
Writing that down it feels like I'm trapped in my own justifications of loneliness and the safety of powerlessness over my destiny but the situation I am in is everything else than ideal.
Even though I type all of that down these thoughts are not determinant of my everyday life.
But time just passes by and I'm left alone. Then every once in a while, luckily way less than they used to come, there come those thoughts about myself not functioning in the right way (usually the sentence "There must be something wrong deep inside me, that repulses them"). And then again those thoughts feel ridiculous, someone who knows me only superficially wouldn't even think for a moment that I'd have such kind of petty problems.
And I've gone through positive developments in the course of the last year but at the end of the day I feel still as unexperienced in terms of love and relationships as a newborn.
I have acknowledged the wisdom of Bion about not pursuing the bird of eros but rather pursuing my own aspirations and goals and yes it became better, everything became much better. But this total lack of experience keeps nagging on me like a disgraceful branding on my forehead.
What is it that makes me different from millions of people who find their way to another heart, what is it that makes me a solitary being? Sometimes I believe it's an abnormally high sensitivity of mine and that most people are just more hardened against the odds of the world than me, therefore more rough and natural in their desire and interaction with other people. I find myself again and again studying words and their meanings when they all don't seem to mean a thing. Soft winds hit me like hurricanes, when my heart is ignited every good word turns into a declaration of love towards me and every small note of disharmony or neglect turns into a soul-crushing rejection.
Nowadays every confrontation with reality seems to put me a bit more onto the right track, but it's all going way too painfully slow to catch up with my rabid instinct. I nearly burted out in laughter of glee yesterday when I was sitting in the bus and reading, next to me there was one young girl and soon a friend of hers entered the bus. The friend stepped close to me to talk with her and my ability to concentrate faded away, hearing their squeaky voices and smelling their odours. I had to bite my tongue.
No. 22677
I'm looking into ditching my major in favour of something I'd enjoy more but the truth is, I realise deep down how difficult is will be finding a job with a degree in anything in the field of humanities. I wish I was better at mathematics of some other scientific discipline.

I've been trying to but I have not yet figured out what is it that want to do. I would go into the army for a year if I could but I was deemed unfit for service. I think its funny how tens of thousands of young guys like me in Russia are willing to bribe their way through the medical examination so long as it helps them avoid conscription whereas I am willing to serve but can't.

My parents threatened to kick me out from the flat unless I got a degree. Back in 2017 I graduated from high school and russians who do so must take part in state exams. You're required to pick at least two subjects on top of the mandatory Russian and mathematics as your exam subjects. Depending on the major you're interested you've got to have both the right exam combination as well as decent exam results.
For instance, Russian, biology and chemistry will not get you into a political science programm whereas Russian, literature and English isn't what you need if you're an aspiring engineer.

I chose English and history, which is a pretty useless combination of subjects if you want to get a degree in something other than oriental studies or some other field with little career prospects. That didn't bother me back them since II had no intentions of getting into university and worked a night-time shift at a local supermarket which allowed me to pay my share of the bills and buy food. However, around january 2018 my father started talking out loud more and more about both of his sons turning out to be failures at life.
My brother's exploits are a whole another story and I don't know whether he can be labeled as a complete loser but, long story short, somewhere around summer 2018 my parents arrived at the conclusion that I had to go to university and get a degree and that would change my ways and prevent me from becoming and exact copy of my unsuccessful brother. My objections were met with the threat of them calling the police and/or expulsing me from the apartment with force. With my back against the wall, I went for what seemed like the least useless degree.

As I have already said, I am trying to change my major but its difficult to convince the deans of other faculties that I am worthy of a place in one of their study programmes since I don't have the right exam combination.

I have nothing against writing a paper every once in a while but formatting them with the right fonts and footnotes and everything get annoying really quickly. Not to mention, most papers I have to write are on topics that I couldn't care less about which is not the university or the lecturer's fault but it doesn't make the whole process any less boring. Oh and learning countless hieroglyphs requires motivation which vanishes completely once I realise how useless my degree is in the quest for a job.

As for the ministries, I have never heard of anyone get a job there without having connections within them in the first place. But that does sound like a pretty interesting job.
No. 22682
You are in the humanities but want to change into the humanities? Or did you pick something like law or economics together with Japanese? If you had history and english it shouldn't be a problem to get into a humanities major.
Concerning the job prospects it depends on your grades and work experience you gathered once you graduate. I don't kno wthe situation in Russia, but humanities can be a broader field. You essentially learn to find your way through any humanities topic in a humanities subject/study. They joke about driving the Taxis afterwards but afaik the unemployment rate for academics isn't very big here. Last year a newspaper said it was around 3% which is average for all academic majors. Tho history is a bit worse Oh yes, but I'm going for a different masters, kiss my ass 5%
Speak to people who actually graduate in the humanities, I imagine your uni has programs or events or whatever, or aren't Russian unis having a vibrant life on their on?
No. 22686
Well, today they started arranging next years prom, and as it turns out, there is an overabundance of guys, so I'm off the team.
I stayed awhile, just to see who asked out the girl I tried asking out before me, and I'm actually fucking mad, because he's an absolute fucking faggot! An idiot!
He's the only person in school I can't talk to in a normal manner, because his idiocy gets on my nerves!
What a twist.

I finally got my hands on some tea. On the way to the metro station I saw a man who just like Winston Churchill. It was an eerie sight.
The selections of the book carts were quite lack-lustre. Still, I managed to find a good copy of Fathers and sons, and Dead souls.
Fathers and sons had a (now) funny inscription on the first page.
>For comrade Domonkos Sándor, in memory of the tenth anniversary of our liberation, 1955. February 13.

This post feels overly short and pointless, but I don't think anything worthwhile ever happens to me. Maybe I'm just a boring asshole.
It's time to study for tomorrow. For some reason I can only do it during the night.
No. 22687
So you have one of those Murrican-style proms, with dancing and stuff, eh? This sucks. I remember at my prom we just sat, talked and drunk wine. There was some entertainment and dancing, of course, but it was mostly voluntary (a buddy of mine got roped into playing a role of Leo Tolstoy, but failed spectacularly; I predicted that the same would happen to me, so I staunchly refused any attempts to get me into some embarrassing shit), so most of us just formed our usual groups (jocks with jocks, nerds with nerds etc.) and had our usual convos. Moreover, I drank a bit too much, got tired and decided to leave early. We were supposed to wait till sunrise because of some tradition, but I left nonetheless, and nobody gave a fuck.
No. 22694
50 kB, 960 × 720
Today I spent the day being an assburger gatecrashing economy talks. It was pretty fun depending on the speakers.

The highlight of my day was having a serious discussion after one of talks with a Scottish government economic adviser on why Scotland sees less movements towards localism (Highlands and Islands sub-devolution) and is generally more politically uniform in comparison to England's North-South divide. We talked for ages and came to the conclusion that it mostly comes down to Scotland's population being incredibly focused on the central belt (much more than England because the rest of Scotland is depopulated) while the islands tend to see stronger immigration that impacts on local identity. Shame I forgot to exchange names because you could tell he was impressed by my interest and enjoyed having someone to talk to when everyone else was so shit.

My only complaint is how bloody hot it is all of a sudden. I'm not ready for summer at all.

Oh come on. If there's no proper dating then you may as well try internet dating for fun. Bumble is still popular last time I looked (and women have to message first saving effort) and Inner Circle is gaining popularity - you can at least build a base experience/confidence with girls to work from doing this. May even find someone slightly less bullshit than the women you're dealing with now.

It's 2019, everyone is on these things these days.

It seems like you focus an awful lot on future career prospects than doing what you enjoy in itself. I don't think this is the right frame of mind for learning and I suspect if you did manage to get on a course purely on grounds of prospects you would end up just as unhappy. I'm just saying that unless you know exactly what it is you want to do I wouldn't do anything drastic like throwing away a year of your life.

Eventually footnotes and fonts will click, you will do a few more years, then, if after all this, everything is still fucked you can go manage the supermarket with the project management skills you picked up on the way! The course might even get more interesting further down the road once topics branch out.

>As for the ministries, I have never heard of anyone get a job there without having connections within them in the first place. But that does sound like a pretty interesting job.

If it is anything like here I would guess that most people subconsciously think "oh, that's not for people like me". You can always pop them an email and ask about how recruitment works - maybe even talk to your lecturers about organising a career talk that, you organising, will make you look good.

Fuck that guy. Make a move already - she clearly has an interest in your depth so he's no contest.
No. 22711
Well, I finally wrote the test after two(?) months of putting it off. It wasn't hard at all.

I got the official email today. I have 9 days to prepare for the exams. It'll feel like a fucking bloodbath.

My father video-called us from the Land of the Free(tm). The first time in years it felt like we have something to talk about. It felt natural, sort of right. Nothing was forced.

Got my hands on my book report. There were no extra comments on it besides
>It was enjoyable to read. You are talented when it comes to things like these.
So after a year of suffering and hard work, we are back to the status quo of me "effortlessly" producing good writings.
The girl's report got a good grade too. Though she re-used the material I wrote, because she was running out of time, and I asked if she needed anything. She was really thankful.

When I got home, I got totally distracted by Mount and Blade. The plan was that I write one of the essays I have to, but that's not happening. A good night's sleep is on the horizon.
This morning I was awaken an hour early. My mother "barged" into my room and asked if I can break up a larger banknote. It was fantastic. And to top it all off, I was in the middle of a pleasant dream. God knows what it was, all I remember is that I felt heroic.
No. 22716
Today I took 3 drops CBD and finally functioned again.
No. 22721
Today I did absolutely nothing good, productive or anything like that. I feel no desire to do anything.
Most of the time I’m just lying in my bed and pointlessly looking at the walls surrounding me. I seriously don’t know what to do to overcome this boredom. It’s the worst feel.
No. 22722
Same settis, except for the last week, and instead of doing nothing I play multiplayer tetris all day.

I need something to shut down my brain. Caffeine doesn't help any more, just makes me sick.
No. 22729
I wanted to continue getting into coding since I basically have lots of free time now, but I have analysis paralysis again.

On one hand, I want to be a true old school boomer and use a cool language like C. On another, knowing my work ethic, I might accomplish more using a normie friendly language like C sharp or even python. Although I do sincerely dislike the idea of having to ship a framework / interpreter / JIT compiler together with my program.

I also have an unhealthy fascination with Pascal, and Wirthian languages in general. There's just something aesthetic about them. I wish there was a free Ada compiler with a permissive license. They say that the best way to make progress is to do things you genuinely like. I just wish I didn't like such stupid impractical things.
No. 22732
Same for me today, you're not alone friends. Barely did anything else than eating, lying in my bed and occasionally some texting. Only skimmed through the novel and changed the beginning passage as it was long overdue. Thinking about it I'm not even sure if it's much better now though, may have to re-write it completely. Then I wanted to write some more but my mind just felt empty and insensitive, so I just continued fucking around instead.
But the darker it gets outside the more I begin to feel alive. Maybe the night will still have some merit.
No. 22738
Well, today was fun. I wasted nearly all of it playing Mount and Blade. It's addictive, and I'm getting good at it.
I spent some time with garden work. The garden is pretty clean now.

Just sat down and wrote two and a half pages of that essay I have to write on imageboard culture. This feels like a crime against nature, honestly.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. I'll have to read Chekhov's Seagull take some proper notes on it, and then mow the lawn. (While finishing this essay I started writing.)
And of course, I'll also go and vote. The system may be flawed, but I'll do it because I care

With this much "work" (let's be honest, I'm just a lazy prick who makes too much of a fuss about things), I don't think I'll manage to read a single book this month. (Though checking the excel table, I did read two, but I haven't finished anything since the 9th.)

I share this sentiment. I can only effectively work during the night for some reason.
No. 22753
Had a nice stroll through the sunny fields after doing my minimum democratic duty. Feeling good today... maybe I don't hate the sun afterall.

Come to think of it, it was the first time I was able to vote for a non-german party. That feeling in my belly might be something like hope, but I'm not quite sure. It certainly feels foreign.
No. 22760
Well, today I went and voted. Strangely enough, there was no line at all. Most people probably went after lunch.

We grilled outside for lunch. It felt very wectern.

I'm at 6 and a half pages with my essay. I stopped writing, because I've been at it for too long, and my train of thought isn't focused enough. I think it'll be around 8 or so pages.
I still have a bunch of shit to do, but I completely tired myself out.

Gonna have a tea now, and rest for an hour. Maybe play some Mount and Blade.
No. 22762
As always, the party I voted for does not even appear in the statistics.

But good to see that the conservatives lost and almost all small parties grew.
No. 22766
Oh, I have to check the numbers, went voting as well, in order to leave the house and I'm not interested in crashing the EU, tho change is necessary, yet I'm not expecting much from my vote.

Thank dog for the digital note index programms, I have already written half of my paper as raw verion in less than 12h 2h the other day, 4h today. Without the programm, it would take so much longer I imagine.
No. 22767
It's good that you guys already have some estimates in. I have to wait until 11 'o clock.
No. 22774
400 kB, 803 × 688
>Almost finished writing page nine
>The end is nowhere near
>I used up a whole ink cartridge writing this with a fountain pen
>Tomorrow I'll wake up at 5:15
>Fist class is oral exam
>Haven't studied a single word for that
>Haven't started the new book report yet
>Haven't studied for the second biology test
>Haven't started the second essay yet
No. 22779
48 kB, 231 × 226
And it's done. This eleven pages long monstrosity, written on imageboard cultures and the alt-right will serve as my end of the year exam paper from Ethics. Probably more trouble than what it's worth.

Gonna go to bed now. It'll be a happy, five hours long sleep for me.
No. 22780
11 pages double spaced at 12 pt? With citations or without being citation heavy? I used to routinely have to write 10-20 page papers for every course. It was brutal. I typically had to write like 70 pages double spaced over the course of every semester.
No. 22781
11 pages of handwritten text without citations for a HS exam. Absolute meme tier.
No. 22782
Oh. Why handwritten btw? Like what in the actual fuck? To be honest I think that might actually be way harder for me at this point because even though I'm quite old now by some standards I was still young enough that essays were starting to be done mostly by printed text files when I was in school, so I never really learned to utilize penmanship and as a result writing is slow and tedious but I can type pretty fast and accurately. That anyone would ask you to write a long essay by hand is kind of bizarre to me.

Wait you're in high school?
No. 22789
Had to write most essays by hand as well here. Some teachers thought "traditional is best" and that was that.
No. 22800
It has to look like as if I wrote it during an exam. It's so that we don't waste each other's time with a marginal subject like ethics.
She gets a "cool" essay, I get to go home early and don't have to worry about the exam. Everybody "wins".
Nobody expects you to write your texts using a pen. (Though some people do use a pen.)
It's faster for us to write with a computer, and they don't have to decipher our sometimes abysmally ugly handwriting.
No. 22802
shit i think i've forgotten how to draw hands
need more practice
No. 22805
That feel when getting racially profiled by fugging russian job interviewers in my own country :-DDDDD
The moment they find out I'm kazakh, they shut down :-DDDDD
No. 22818
Ok, I found an ad for an "operator with good English skills"
Upon inquiring, it turns out that the dude runs a "webcam business" and he's looking for guys to pretend to be girls on the internet through chat, and be a mediator between the client and the webcam "model".

Pretending to be a girl on the internet for a living. Tbh I'm contemplating it, lmao.
No. 22819
Wait so he has fake video 'streaming' of a camwhore and then hires mambets to pretend to be said camwhore to milk money out of despos? Ebin.
No. 22820
Not sure, I think he has real models, it's that he needs someone with English skills to talk to the foreign clients or something.

And manage their communications with the clients. Basically, an E-pimp :-DDDDDDDDDD
No. 22821
Ebin. I mean, what have you got to lose though? I feel like he probably has a high turnover of middlemen anyway so even if you quit, it probably won't even be that much of a hassle.
No. 22822
Well, there is something strangely perverted and appealing about the premise, I must admint.
Go for it. Worst case scenario is that you quit.
No. 22823
This. I would definitely try it. Nice to hear about such obscurities existing. Obscure jobs are the best for some stories.
No. 22834
596 kB, 600 × 1350
2,2 MB, 3491 × 2689
I don't think I'll sleep today either. Almost finished with the second essay. It's absolute trash, but at least this one is done digitally.

Finally picked up that edition of Walther von der Vogelweide's poems. It's actually rather easy to read.
I wasted 3 Euros near the metro station. They have this strange "book wending machine", which sells small pocket books with fake leather covers. Never heard of these, but there was a collection of short stories by Viktor Pelevin, and I decided to jump the bullet, mea culpa. Apparently it's sponsored by one of the local theatres.
It's like one of the better Suhrkamp or Fischer Verlag pocketbooks.

I've been listening to Shostakovich non-stop again.

The exams will be fine. Judging by the enthusiasm of the teachers, nobody really wants this, so they won't drag me around Troy in the dirt, thankfully.

>Helping with communicating between e-whore and rich twat
No. 22836
Does it speak of how degenerated modern society is, if this particular vacancy pays twice as much as every other entry level job?
No. 22842
1,7 MB, 512 × 360, 0:59
It isn't just degenerated modern society, although I am sure it's always going to be a result of shifting production and baseline energy availability towards leisure and hence decadence. Really though that's simply the result of humanity at large. You must keep in mind how much the bydlo vastly outnumber the intelligentsya and educated classes and always have. At best it's probably going to end up being some shitty corporate sector job translating the most painfully banal shit for businesses.
No. 22847
73 kB, 300 × 281
I went on crystal.cafe, female analogue of 4chan's /r9k/ with its own femcels. What a bizzare place, feels kinda strange to see absolute copies of mentally damaged males from imageboards with genders reversed. They got a huge amount of man-haters in this twisted hell but the most psychopathic thing that I have ever seen there was a woman confessing that she led on and had relationships with multiple guys, that she regularly breaks up with guys and how she bragged that one of them after the break up tried to commit suicide.
Also, one of the girls proposed to the other one to break up with her boyfriend because the bf is a fart-fetishist. What a retarded reason to break up with somebody. Reminded me of our Brit ball who wanted to break up with a woman because she thinks that some specific type of dogs is cute, likes Hillary Clinton, had depression in the past and doesn't want to move out of London.

Truly enchanting experience which makes you wary of relationships.
No. 22853
Ok, the camwhore site guy invited me for an interview... to a parking lot of a supermarket.
Hopefully, I'll get a job working with hot cam models and not get my anal cavity inspected by a big fat black man named Bubba.
No. 22854
45 kB, 500 × 666
I asked him if I should bring anything, he said "bring a laptop"

Wait a second, this sounds suspicious :-DDDDDD
No. 22855
I would not go.

t. jobless person
No. 22856
Be a goo goy respond to Student Loans.

Last year say I am self employed, okay gibe three month bank statements.
You owe 4000, opps our mistake you don't owe us anything.

This year give three months of bank statements and Gross salary,
lol Goy you need to give us you annual tax statement, I don't pay tax because I earn less than 50k usd, letter from your accountant, I don''t have an accountant.
We no longer accept bank statements.

Okay try to claim employed, need a contract not less than 6months old, nope, 3 pay slips, nope .

You cannot email enquires, you have to ring this number.

Well guess I'll wait for them to send me a physical letter saying to pay them £250 a month lol

I could always claim my wife pays me monthly for support, idk
I can't even be bothered resetting all my online student crap as I physically can't give them what they want.
No. 22858 Kontra
1,2 MB, 850 × 1200
2 Peter 2:21 For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than, having

known it, to turn back from the holy commandment that had been delivered to them.

I turned away from god, but I wont turn my back on him again. That is my promise to god, my family, and friends... online ones since i lost all my irl ones.
No. 22859
Oh dog. That sounds like you're meeting a real pimp, not an e-pimp :-DDD
No. 22879
I fell asleep and woke up with a splitting headache again. I used to think this was just black mold in the old place but now it is apparent it's a chronic problem. I start to worry about this. I don't think taking antihistamines or antipsychotics for sleep is brain healthy either. It could be grinding my teeth or tension headaches, but I also wonder if it is constricted or clogged arteries, or even mini seizures I don't know. But it almost feels like theyve been getting worse for years.
No. 22926
1,5 MB, 1440 × 1080
Today we went on a field trip and visited the Museum of Military History, where we were given a lecture on WW1.
Truth to be told, I learnt nothing new in particular.
>Reads Jünger once
After the museum I went to the local American embassy (McDonald's) with my classmates.

I read another Pelevin short story today. This one was an "imitation" of classical Chinese literature to a degree. Real fun stuff. (I mean fuck, I'm having fun, smirking and laughing while reading something.)
Talked about Pelevin's writings for a bit with my history teacher. He called his newer pieces "borderline unreadable" and "unimpressive" because of how tied it is to drugs, but that just makes it more intriguing.
Also asked me where I got this nice little pocket volume of the short stories, and I told him that you can buy it from a vending machine for a thousand forints. To which the reply was that "If you go by that place again, get one for me too", and he handed me a 1k banknote.

I have 4 days to prepare for my end of the year exams.
At least now I know what will be on the exams.
Thankfully I only have to do an oral exam from history and literature. The history one will be easy, I'll just have to talk about the founding of a modern state in the 19th century (Germany, Italy or Japan)(I'm gonna pick Japan, for maximum assburger leveles, but I'm going to learn Germany too, because I like Germany).
I'll have to pick a card and that'll determine what I'll have to talk about on the literature exam. Themes are: Realist prose, Symbolist verse, Modern drama.
I really want to pick realist prose. That's close to my heart.

I'll try focusing on the science subjects while preparing, especially on mathematics. There is a fuckload to be learned.
Next year I'm gonna make sure this doesn't happen. I'll get all the paperwork done in advance. Fuck the system.
No. 22928
I love this website. It truly is an Internet gentleman’s club of the finest calibre. You will never find such a community anywhere else (unless you’re invited to a private club). In that respect, for an imageboard especially, it is quite unique. And actually I think this is how an imageboard was supposed to be like before the kiddies showed up.
No. 22929
Not quite. I dont know how early 2ch was but it rapidly became some weird otaku type thing, and the first imageboards spawned from it were basically weebs from SA. Something Awful and TOTSE are most like original chan culture. nuChans are basically all just really awful clones of Fox propaganda comment sections.
No. 22934 Kontra
>hurrrr Faux Nooz durrrr

I don't watch Fox News at all or follow any media related to it unless it's brought up in relation to a story about a story, but you leftists bitching about it are boring and predictable. How are any of the other neoliberal media outlets any better? What qualities of the journalism they produce make them worth watching?

Honestly, none of that matters because American media is a joke. The more pertinent question is where you get your news from.
No. 22948
Plowing thru a more or less lame ass sociology text, because I have to perform a little writing task on it.
I'm fond of all these thoughts but the more I read the more I feel that I you can only decide on certain topics to be of relevance, it's a question of ability and expertism and giving yourself to one persons thoughts seems kinda idiotic but necessary to a certain grade.
No. 22950 Kontra
I have to revert this statement a bit. It's as interesting as an interesting sociology text, that means you can read it and have at least a small insight into something that was perhaps a blind spot, or not really on your radar (anymore). It evokes consciousness for a thing and that consciousness in my case will be, as so often, limited by time
No. 22989
I has come to this, I will go back to the gym after a years absence.
See this is what reducing your alcohol intake does to you, makes you responsible.
However if it rains or if the queue is unreasonably long I will have to find an alternative.
There is a queue because gym is on the 13th floor and no stairs, plus it is a Friday so people use the lift to go to the other floors.
I will put some Motorhead on my phone and listen to that while I wait in my flipflops might even bring a jacket and umbrella, because 24/7 A/C rain and T-shirts are not a good match.
Finish work at 7pm, home 7.20 leave 8.20 because there will be a long ass queue then class starts at 9pm.
Ate 3 eggs and cheese to starve off hunger and am sipping some carbonated water.
Drinking is much easier
t; 110kg
No. 22991
Well, turns out my membership expired last year, even though I should have had a 3 year membership, do I have a form rom two years ago, do I fuck.
With transferring all my money back to the UK, Student loan to pay, and wanting to do a top up degree which is probabily too late anyway since I dropped out of uni in the UK.
Think I will go for them beers instead.
Gyms are expensive here unless you sign up for at least a year, oh well think I can get some free trials, see how much it is to go once a week or pay monthly for a year membership.
No. 22994
Studying for the physics exam. It's going pretty well, I'd say. I'm looking through the examples we made, and it's all relatively simple and logical stuff.
And since I'm allowed to bring my copy of the Yellow Book of Knowledge(tm) with me, I decided to make my life easier, and just copy every single formula into it with pencil really lightly. This is of course, cheating, but who cares. I just want a good grade, and I don't intend to pursue physics as a career at university.
I'm going to take a break, then study for a few hours more.
Tomorrow I'll study maths, then on Sunday I'll go through the holy trinity of Literature-History-Grammar for the Monday exam. (Physics is on Wednesday, maths is on Tuesday.)
No. 22997
I am guarding brother's house while he's out on a business trip and his wife is at her sister's.

I can tell by the state of the house that their marriage has failed.
And I want to go home. It's creepy in here. I want to go back to drawing.

Also, he should ditch his investor and just focus on his internet cafe business. She is so fucking stupid, she refuses to hire people before her business is open, and then wonders why it's taking so long for her business to open.
No. 23000
I can't take the stress. It's maddening.
It was okay at the start of the day, but it progressively got worse, and by the time night fell, I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety, and I can't concentrate on anything.

I think I'm just going to go to bed and forget about it until morning. I'm basically going to permanently fuck up my future next week.
No. 23001
On another hand, housekeeping is a lot of fun.
Kinda makes me want to have my own place. Just with less... broken plates and obvious signs of domestic conflict.
No. 23003
426 kB, 1356 × 889
I'm scared of my health and my future. Does Ernst have any tips on how to deal with these 2 things? I really haven't learned much about life for the time I've been on Earth. I was always coddled mostly and never really experienced much things in general.

(Also I posted this earlier as a thread but it came out wrong).
No. 23004
122 kB, 673 × 900
Last night I was asked about what friends I have. That I was asked this by judging socialite who has more friends than she can count didn't help and it has now ruined what was otherwise a great day for me. A bloody awful question to ask someone soon turning 30 who recently moved to the big city.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just say that I don't have any friends but there are people I consider friends where we've not met up for years. Life just gets in the way as you get older and now we live separate lives on the other ends of the country. I thought about the people I talk to at work and go for after-work beers with but work people aren't your friends and we don't really connect. In general I've always kept a small group of close friends and enjoy my own company so it's not a pressing need for me to maintain a large social circle. I'm sure Ernst will understand.

Also what didn't help is work had a social yesterday (I got off work early and free booze so no bother) where I found myself awkwardly standing the corner. I dislike those activities where it is a big impersonal crowd, I've never worked that social situation out and it doesn't help my hearing is shit when there is loud chatter all around me. Give me a small group at a bar and I soon come out of my shell but anything more and I really need someone to hold my hand.

Is this exam anxiety? If so it may help to know that in the big picture it doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I know your teachers may lump pressure on you but this is all bullshit.

Think about the worst that can possibly happen. Boohoo you fail, the questions may as well be in Japanese etc. so maybe you have to resit the exam. Not a big deal and with that anxiety out of the way you can take small steps to improve on your performance while maintaining a 'nowhere to go but up' mentality.

Be sure to wipe your dick on everything :DDD

For the latter you need to get out of your comfort zone and start living. Not really much else too it. Draw up some achievable things you want to do over the next year and go do them. As for your health, I dunno, if you're the same poster talking about tick diseases etc. then you may need to consider therapy. That shit isn't right.
No. 23005
>I'm scared of my health and my future.
One thing I can tell you about health worries: don't Google your symptoms. No matter what the problem is, every website will tell you to go to a doctor, which will only convince you that you're about to die. If something really breaks, or is really wrong, then it will be obvious, but don't symptom-surf. I know this from experience.
No. 23006
Do you guys have an irc or other form of platform you use to chat?
I have been lurking but I kinda want to ask some questions that aren't really worthy its own thread nor worth cluttering this thread either.
No. 23008
Does anyone even have an active IRC anymore?

It only gets worse and we're all probably doomed. As usual. Unless you're an oligarch or something. Health wise if you're over 25 I'd advise making a habit of going to doctors and not being so cavalier about your health. Every single person who's had a triple bypass and lung cancer and herpes once thought oh it's just youthful indiscretions. These things pile up and start taking a massive toll. Alcohol, fast food, unprotected sex (as if), and smoking are surefire ways to completely fuck yourself so bad later on that you're a total wreck by 40. The other thing that these websites WONT tell you is you should completely fucking ignore your doctor pushing pills on you as much as possible. Avoid prescription drugs like the plague. Most of them will fuck you up just as surely as smoking and boozing but without even the added benefit of socializing and meeting cool people once in awhile. The only time you should take Rx drugs imo is if you're already dying or close to debilitated to such a degree that it's your only alternative to being a drug abusing chain smoking drunkard.

Otherwise, your health should be fine. You're probably past the loop and in the deep mortality valley between teenagers/young adults and middle age to old people. If you made it past 25 already odds are you're probably going to be fine until at least age 50. Things like cancer and weird congenital issues are pretty rare. Well, unless you have a family history of schizophrenia. IIRC that sets in around age 25 to 30.
No. 23009
The entire point of this thread is that it's full of stuff not worth cluttering the place up with. Post away.
No. 23011
Yeah. I'm looking at getting my own place too. Problem is that single bedroom flats and apartments are really expensive to rent, even in shit locations.

The isolation it affords is really great though tbh.
No. 23016
Is the rent everywhere as bad as in Sydney? I briefly looked into it while planning a world trip and immediately abandonned the idea to rent a flat in Sydney due to prices.
No. 23017
Sydney is exceptional but no major city is cheap.
No. 23020
Even in my average German town the rents and land prices have been rising constantly over the last years. I wonder if it's the same in big cities of countries that are known to be poorer than the west. It probably is, I wish for exact numbers.
No. 23022
27 kB, 344 × 497
>I just realized I'm allowed to use the formula collection during the maths exam too
Everything went better than expected. 10/10, life just became better.
This yellow motherfucker is the most based thing to happen to my life during the past week.
No. 23030
Been playing Beavis and Butthead Virtual Stupidity, old and vague point and click adventure, resorted to hints, but I remember the demo 20 years ago had to play it on my 10yo junk laptop, r8

May be joining a white collar boxing gym.
I'll post how isolated I am in my job at a later date.
No. 23031
You described the problem in one word
No. 23036
Good luck, hs physics is like solving puzzles where that yellow books contains the pieces. You are a smart kid but dont forget to have fun, just an advice for life.
No. 23039
I think I'm at that point again, where I lost all hope, so I should just relax for a bit. Maybe go to sleep.
I also just realised I haven't eaten anything besides some left over pizza today. It feels like I'm about to cry.
No. 23041
I have been using IRC for years, it just works for me. Meanwhile ICQ, AIM and MSN died ages ago while IRC remains and will remain for a longer time. IRC is so simple I don't see why I would go over to something else. I am open minded though, it is not like I've refused using other chat services like telegram, slack or discord.
No. 23044
You know what, I feel ok lately.

Somehow I have cultivated the ability to sit down and do some work, without being distracted too much by worries and intrusive thoughts. I even derive satisfaction from doing stuff. It's like I'm almost a normal person.
On the flip side, I realized that for the last 5 years of dabbling in my "hobbies", I've only scratched the surface lightly, always getting distracted before acquiring any substantial and marketable skills. I have a large pool of very shallow knowledge. I am basically starting my personal development anew, at the age when others already have their feet firmly planted int othe ground. Putting in deliberate work instead of short bursts of obsessive curiosity enlightened me to just how much purposeful, disciplined work there is ahead of me. But at least I have a direction now. Something to focus on.

I have also made the silly epiphany that there is a distinction between a hobby and a job, even if both are the same activity. A job means that you work to please others, which means you will and must compromise on your ideals and principles (at least a little bit) if you want to be of value to a client/employer. Which means that if I were to make a living through art one day, making art for a client will feel like as much of a chore as "real" work. Compared to creating art for art's sake, in any case. The infantile fantasy of getting paid for simply "being" an "artist" is nothing but a crock of shit. I am glad that I have developed the maturity to accept this fact.
No. 23045
I just fucking hate using IRC. Apparently there's actually a bunch of things like Dwarf Fortress and Minecraft servers, and I think 420chan might have an active one too. Idk about 4kanal having one, but if they did I'm sure it's absolute shit.

The thing I actually really liked using was AIM. It was simple, relatively anonymous, you never gave away any info you didn't need to and were able to chat with people from far away and either privately or in group chat. Fuck I miss AIM. Now there's only the completely fucking non-anonymous bullshit that is Facebook and I fucking hate it and refuse to use that garbage site now and haven't for years. Never used ICQ though. I just miss those nice, simple, anonymous chat programs like AIM. And now people apparently use Discord a lot, which I also fucking refuse to use.

The whole place now feels like a Chinese internet, where I need a fucking passport to sign in. Just making junk emails now is a fucking hassle because the goddam things all now want your phone number, and they apparently can detect when you're using an anonymous disposable VOIP inbox now. So I feel like just holding onto my numerous old sock accounts is like holding onto valuable real estate at this point.
No. 23046
>i just fucking hate using irc

Yeah, its simplicity makes it inconvenient because most clients suck and are usually a hassle to set up especially on windows and I guess the other thing people hate is that you can't see messages while offline if you don't set up a bouncer or have an agent running on some server. There is no enforced TLS either which can fuck up for newbies. 4chan does have one, it is pretty boring though I just went there once to appeal a ban once.

Fun fact: I know some people who travel to China and apparently IRC is so irrelevant that the Chink hasn't blocked it yet while discord, fb etc are.

I like its simplicity, I just want text and nothing else IRC is suitable for group chats and I like it because i can just visit the address, I dont have to deal with no expired invitation links or other bullshit and i instantly access the chat and ask questions for quick supports while the emails are reserved for more serious issues.

>So I feel like just holding onto my numerous old sock accounts is like holding onto valuable real estate at this point.

I know this feeling. I have my configs all set up so I hate people who use chat services where an IRC-bridge doesn't forcing me to adapt to the clients I am not familiar with. At the end you end up with a million clients installed because people just keep using different services while I just want to stick to a single client I have used for years.
No. 23047
Here is valuable lesson I just thought up:
Any work you do is good, but it only counts once you finish it.
No. 23052
>Beavis and Butthead Virtual Stupidity

I was never on it for chat, but #bookz used to be my main source for new reading material.

I think the only way to get paid for "being an artist" is to cultivate an eccentric personality, and then find a bored patron who will pay you to liven up his partiesX<DD. Other than that, I think of art as similar to studio musicians or dancers. The skills are yours, but someone else gets to tell you how to apply them. Even if that starts to feel like work, it's still got to be more fun than accounting.
t.knower of accounting
No. 23053
I wonder if work feels so degrading because you are in essence begging someone to give you money in exchange for tricks, like a circus animal. The result of your work is meaningless, and only serves the worldly purpose of sustaining your body. There is no higher purpose to it.

I bet it would feel a lot more fulfilling to work towards some ideal, or a communal good. To imagine yourself as part of a bigger narrative. Then again, that sounds a lot like nadzizm :-DDDDDDD. Or gommunism. Or any romantic ideology of modernity, really. Alas, we live in post-modernity, and everyone is out to find their own meaning, as there is no central cultural framework to provide it any more. Then again "Do what thou Wilt shall be the whole of the Law" implies also doing the necessary pragmatic steps towards manifesting your Wilt. Including waging.
No. 23059
HS rhetorics class is basically just:
>Do you have more than three brain cells?
>Can you compose a sentence without sweat running down your forehead?
>If yes, then you already know every single thing in this chapter, just subconsciously!
It’s not even the usual case when I at least learn some clever tricks, this is just plain common sense. Not to mention I can’t stop thinking about ironic “Libtard owned with facts and logic” video titles.

I arranged one more extra maths class for tomorrow before the exam, just tocalm myself.
Not a chance in Hell I’m doing this shit next year.
I don’t need more than a week of crushing anxiety.

At least this time the oral exams will go better than last time.I’ll give the best 10 minute lecture on the Meiji-restauration this country has ever seen.

Everything will go fine.
No. 23070
85 kB, 600 × 450
It's really hot outside. I still went to read a bit in a nearby green area cemetery, afterwards I was lusting after some ice cream cone, but it was too far away to bother.

Wish I had a cool scooter while living in Italy feel is growing with these temperatures.
No. 23072
>HS rhetorics class
At least you learn rhetoric—even if it is extremely basic in nature. All of my English knowledge was gained through Osmosis, and so I'd have difficulty explaining the rules and proper structure of the English language in a proper way. I just assimilate ways of writing from books without knowing how they work and why they are effective. A learner of English as a second language would know more about English than I, as I did not have "Grammar Class" in school. My Father was raised in a Soviet style education system, and it seems to be much more effective than America's current one.
No. 23073
My biggest problem with work is that usually I find myself in a mismanaged workplace. My dignity is totally for sale if doing tricks makes my pocket jingle jangle. What pisses me off is when one side isn't holding up their end of the deal.

They want the tricks and are willing to cough up? Done deal, but let me work my magic. Don't fuck up the situation so that the tricks can't be done in any easy manner. It's a simple scenario really, they give me a functional arena to do the thing they want done, I do the thing, and I get paid. It's got no frills, it's clean and painless for all parties. No idea what is so damn difficult about the simple process but apparently it's rocket surgery.
No. 23074
What? Where are you from?
No. 23076
441 kB, 349 × 450
Everything that’s ought to be done has been done. The exams are tomorrow. I already packed everything.

One thing I’ve realised is that I barely ate anything during the past few days.
Today I had a few french fries and a cup of warm milk with sugar. I just had my first “proper” meal, which was a slice of something resembling a grilled cheese sandwich.

Let’s hope everything goes fine tomorrow.
5 days of struggle and hopefully my hands and legs stop shaking constantly.
No. 23082
One of the people I sent my resume to contacted me today, saying he's holding a """competition""" for a logo redesign for his firm, and whether I want to participate.

Translation: "Make me a free logo you fucking dumbass :-DDDDDDDDD".
No. 23088
A competition implies there is a prize for winning. On the other hand, the rules probably state something like all entries become the property of "xyz corp.". Create the best logo in the world, and then submit it with a watermark. It will let them know you're good, but not a sucker.
No. 23090 Kontra
I finally realized my mom makes me fucking depressed and it's unhealthy to even talk to her. I also have no one to talk to. There is no help here. I don't talk about what's going on with me or sharing my secrets with anybody. I have realized there is no one here in this society to rely on. Men should never need emotional support anyway. It only vaguely bothers me at least. I accept it as normal.
No. 23091
>I also have no one to talk to.
Find one. Srsly. You don't need to talk about too deep stuff, it still will be healthier than talking to noone. Maybe pick up a hobby and seek an instructor, even that will be better.
No. 23092
The first exam day is over. This concludes all of the humanities tests.
History fell in the piss easy category. I just wrote a directionless blob of a text on WW1 fighting methods, dropping a few technical terms in, like how the first German panzer was the A7V. Nobody cares. It's just a formality anyway.
Literature was meme tier.
>Prove that Crime and Punishment if a philosophical novel
There was also this cool little table, where I had to pair up late 19th century authors with a title and a fact. (i.e. "Tolstoy - War and Peace - One of his novellas starts with what would traditionally be its last chapter"
Rhetoric was a practical exam. "Write an argumentative essay on [Actual philosophical topic you've already written an essay on last week]" or "Write a speech you'd give at a summer camp to a highschool class to convince them to read Dostoevsky"
Now, I think I can say that I have standards. This is arguable, but I digress. If I have to choose between looking lazy and writing about something I have already written about, then I'm going to go with that, instead of arguing for a cringeworthy goal I have no faith in. Fuck the second option. It's gay as hell. I'd either have to make it ironic as fuck, or make it cringeworthy and servile, the former is undoubtedly not an option, but I'm not going to stoop down to the latter's level.

After the exams I went down to the library. Lo and behold, the bitch has no idea who borrowed what.(Sadly I was right.) This will be fun. I corrected her on my own borrowings. If it were up to her, I would have been able to just simply take some of these books.

Took an extra maths class. I think I'm ready for tomorrow's test, though I'll re-read the basics of how to use vectors.
Then I'll also look through what I have to tomorrow morning, since I only have to be there by 11.
No. 23093
I heard that the client I did the interior design for was very pleased with the results.
When brother saw it, apparently he was surprised, saying how I never do that sort of thing for him. Well, maybe if he gave me proper work conditions and at least symbolic pay, I'd get something done for him, too.
And by "proper work conditions" I mean actually communicating, and sitting down for a bit to discuss things. He never gets things done all the way.

Also, I have a shitton of things to discuss to him about the pc hardware store, but he's nowhere to be found. He has very little idea about just how much complexity there is to running a retail store + web store.
No. 23099
I fell down about 10 stairs at work today. At least my boots provide enough ankle suppor that all I am really getting is a nasty bit of bruising and swelling in the morning.
No. 23100
That's cool, I wish something exciting happened to me too.
No. 23102
620 kB, 1366 × 739
Tbh, I'd rather hear positive news than fall down stairs, but that's just me.

Oh well, at least it should give a great excuse to not do anything productive tomorrow.
No. 23104
I think the "worst" is over. The maths exam was relatively easy. The Yellow book of knowledge(tm) saved my ass basically.

My appetite is slowly coming back.

I have two more written exams tomorrow, and then the oral ones are just a walk in the park.

Someone with a patrician taste died again, because there were some really good books for sale for a buck a piece.
I finally got my hands on a copy of the Lusiads.
Also found a Plato dialogue anthology.
It's just such a fucking shame I have nowhere to put the books I get now. The epics shelf is fucking full.
Thankfully next week I'm completely free, so I can finally sit down and read a bunch of stuff.
No. 23105
You should work on your vizsgadrukk, it will help a lot in uni.
Also before exams care for your body as well as anytime, eat, drink, sleep enough. It's better to have a healthy eight hours snooze than a whole night of learning. Also learn all semester long continuously and not just before exams.
No. 23113
An eventful weekend is lying behind me, with all its ups and downs.
First I only focused on the downs because I was also heavily hangover but only now I'm thinking about the ups and seems like it was worth it.
Things haven't become easier but at least I moved forward in multiple aspects at once and it feels pretty good now.
But also things will get quite difficult in the next time (not for the worse, but still) so there is no time to rest on the success for too long. Small steps, small steps. Small steps really bring you forward. Endurance pays out and making decisions as well.
No. 23118
120 kB, 769 × 1078
The weather is too nice, I just want to procrastinate all day.

The place I applied to actually wrote me back now after 3 weeks or so, I'm pretty surprised. But it ended up being a message that it's gonna take even longer for them process all the applications, so who knows how long that is gonna take.
I'm thinking about applying to some media/marketing agencies since some of those look like somewhat cozy places to work at (well, except for the unpaid overtime that seems to be commonplace) and I could actually apply a lot there from what I've learned in my internship/working student position.
I guess for the time being I'll better register for a Master's course so at least I won't have to pay for medical insurance until next year.

I've rested my legs a bit the last days, but I'm gonna go skateboard tomorrow again. It's really fun, especially the tangible progress, and it feels good to spend time outside.

Noice, good luck with the rest of the exams.
No. 23123
This IBS is excruciatingly painful and I’m crying, pls help
No. 23131
40 kB, 711 × 633
That feel when I'm experiencing a random bout of euphoria. Breddy sure it's not manic since my sleep cycle is pretty normal and my motivation to act is still low. I just feel like a million bucks for no apparent reason, while also being very conscious of the fact that there is no reason for me to feel like a million bucks.

No. 23133
I'm officially done with all my written exams. The physics one went especially well, I was able to solve all but one of the tasks.

I got to go home early, because of the ethics essay I handed in. Though there was also the case that even if I hadn't written it, the teacher left no instructions to the administration as to what to make the students write during the exam. A lovely situation.

Tomorrow I'll have the oral history exam. The topic is Meiji-Japan. I got a phone call, and thankfully I can take the exam two hours earlier than expected. That's better for everyone I guess.

Another thing I have to get done is taking back all the books to the library I've borrowed. There are twelve books in my bag. These are the ones I failed to read during the school year. (God knows how many I managed.)

Finally found a nice copy of People of the Puszta, which I've been meaning to read for some time. Strangely enough, it's an edition for schools, but it's a hardcover with a fake leather coating. Found a similar edition of the Hungarian epic poem The death of Bleda, so I grabbed that one too, because my copy is on the verge of falling apart. (Not surprising, since I just found it randomly lying in a box, where it probably spent half a century if not more.
The gypsy girl running the stand was pretty generous, and gave me a discount of a whooping 100 forints, which is around 30 euro-cents. One sixth of the total price.

Two more days and it's over. Then next week I'll get to know if I've managed to botch my life completely.

Finally I was able to sit down and have a proper lunch. It didn't feel all that good.
No. 23137
62 kB, 943 × 516
>That feel when I'm experiencing a random bout of euphoria.
Fall down those stairs=bad; Euphoria=good. The world is just coming back into balance.

Your shelf might be full, but that book has earned it's spot.

I had to do a minor plumbing repair today, and of course Youtube was a huge help. The handle which turns on my shower got stuck in the "on" position. It was a broken shower valve cartridge. That's the cylindrical stem sticking out from the wall, and it can be replaced without disconnecting any pipes. That took me about an hour, and thankfully I had an easier time than this guy.
No. 23138
Yeah, you can also turn down the water pressure a bit at the inlet if it happens fairly regularly. Mine is at about half pressure because it keeps wearing out the valves in the kitchen.
No. 23139
Random bouts of euphoria gang represent.

Haven't felt that in a while, though, my mood has been relatively stable. Recently, I've even been experiencing a novel condition called "feeling upset for an actual reason". I got chewed out by a client and rejected for a job, which made me feel pretty bad. It's actually the first time in recent memory that I 1) felt bad for a perfectly good reason 2) that something reasonably bad actually did make me feel upset.

Pretty exciting stuff.

Now I just have to learn to motivate myself to do productive things through the sheer satisfaction of having done it.
No. 23140
My cat is in heat. It keeps making noises and shoving its butt in my face when I try to pet it.

I keep getting flashbacks to that old 4chan /an/ post about "relieving" your cat with a q-tip.
No. 23142
Well id's over now, but represent. Back to getting tense at hearing footsteps in the house now :-DDD

While it's unfortunate that you got chewed out, always seeing some kind of benefit in things is one of your traits that I kind of envy. I tend to do the exact opposite most of the time, to the level of shooting myself in the foot.
No. 23152
Well, you could call it optimism, or you could call it cope, but it helps to take a detached, dispassionate stance towards your own life, as if observing a character in a story.

It works the other way too, in that you can observe certain negative details in seemingly positive outcomes. Get the most information and experience out of every event, rather than simply accepting them at face value. If nothing else, it's more interesting that way.
No. 23153
I guess it's just how I connect every fuggen dot. If I sense failure or difficulty in something then it means that I must have fucked up somewhere down the line, and the fuckups then compound into future fuckups that create more failure. No outcome exists in a vacuum and thus in themselves hold little in value compared to the larger process.

t. sipped the Annales kool-aid
No. 23156
The exam went pretty well. It was more formal than last semester.
I had 15 minutes to write down a basic outline of what I'm going to talk about, then I had to talk for ten minutes about the subject.
The subject of course was the modernisation of Japan, as expected.
The biggest issue I had with the thing was that I ran out of time and talked for more than 10 minutes. Basically I talked too much and went on tangents. Despite this, I think I could have said more.
10/10, I got to say "Sengoku Jidai" in official context.

I finally brought back the borrowed books to the library. The librarian didn't knew I took out some of them for some reason.
And also asked for books I already took back.
The strangest one was a book titled 20th Century Lyric Novellas, which I had no recollection of ever seeing, borrowing or reading.
So I asked, "What does this thing look like, because I have no recollection of this."
She typed the title into google and looked at the images, and I realised the problem. There is a book series called Modern Decameron, which collects short stories and novellas from different countries in each volume.
She was asking for a "20. Századi Lírai Novellák", when in fact, I took out one titled "20. Századi Kínai Novellák" (20th Century Chinese Short Stories). She probably failed to read my handwriting in the notebook they categorise the borrowings in and read "Kínai" as "Lírai" which is a testament to my beautiful cursive handwriting.
Fucking incredible, innit?

I had an empty bag, so I finally managed to bring home the two volume "Small Encyclopedia of World Literature" my history teacher offered me a while ago. It's a shorter version of a gigantic 12 volume edition with relatively good articles, and what's best, it usually has the titles of the books in Hungarian, even if they've never been translated officially.
It also has a bunch of essays on a lot of countries' literatures with a list of authors, that's also useful.

Also met with the biology teacher. She's optimistic about my exam, but I expressed my concerns to her.
>You are always imagining things
My last test before the exam was apparently a 5. I'm shocked.

Apparently my ethics essay was really well written. I excused myself for writing a rushed ending to it, but apparently it wasn't noticeable.
My work seems to be paying off finally.

There is only one more exam, and it's over.
No. 23164
I am pretty angry right now.
I don't get why I'm such a failure. Why I get tired after a modest amount of work, why I can't finish anything, why it seems that everybody around me thinks I am an idiot when I am genuinely trying to do good, why my fixation on upholding certain high standards only leads me to fail in achieving it, and why I'm too autistic to take a pragmatic stance and monetize the few skills I have, rather than failing at gaining more.
When I was a teenager with an inflated ego, I assumed that everyone around me was an idiot. These days, I come to the opposite conclusion. I must be retarded in some capacity. But frustratingly unaware on the nature of my own retardation. I feel like a colorblind person trying to imagine red. There's something deeply flawed about me that I am either too cowardly or too stupid to confront.

I've been trying to force myself to read a programming book for a week now, unsuccessfully. I can't focus my attention on sitting down and doing deliberate work. And I don't get why every programming resource out there incessantly regurgitates entry level points like syntax and language features, and none seem to teach larger subjects like how to structure and develop a cohesive program, rather than bit and pieces of code that do very specific and useless things. I feel like I'm learning endlessly how to mix cement, but know nothing about how to build a house.
No. 23174
>Why I get tired after a modest amount of work, why I can't finish anything, why it seems that everybody around me thinks I am an idiot when I am genuinely trying to do good,
Shit's very fucking relatable. Let me tell you about a trait you have that not many people got, myself included. You're a survivor mate. Shit, I mean how many of us would come out as hot shit from a pretty broke background, living in a run down flat in the bad end of a third world city? I'm not trying to disrespect here but that's your situation and it's fucked up. The answer is that not many can come out of that and be totally well adjusted. Most people who say that they can are lying. Even more of them are lying if they reckon they can do it with mental illness.

For what it's worth, which is about as much as a shutin loser from Australia's opinion sounds like it's worth, I think it's pretty bonkers you're as together as you are. Look at me? I got all the cards, parents had decent jobs and we weren't strapped for cash. I lived in first world countries with the advantages that they bring, all I got is a bit of 'tism. The end result is someone who can barely stand leaving his room long enough in a week to earn his bread, exhausted after less than 15 hours work in a week, who avoids human contact for days at a time and flinches at footsteps. I mean shit, I don't want to brag or anything but I think that my reasons for fucking up ring a bit more hollow than yours, and I've given up. From what I've seen, you haven't. You've stuck your neck out more in the past six months than I have in the past decade at least.

You do what you got to do, you dig in and keep on pushing even when you yourself are your biggest enemy. You might not make constant progress towards individual things but you make progress when it's made, and still manage to find the time to hang out with a fuckup like me. You got it more together than any rational individual should expect and don't you forget it. This is very much a matter of doing what the mullah says though. I'm sure as hell no example unless you want an example of how not to do things, and fuck me I ain't blowing smoke up your arse neither. I mean every fucking word.
No. 23180
Try medicinal stimulants if you can't get anything done/focus/achieve goals without a huge fight
No. 23188
148 kB, 1024 × 576
I don’t want to study for this exam. It’s dull bullshit and I’m fucking full with this farce.
It’s torture, and I feel too lazy to do it.
No. 23190
You will also have to bite thru dull shit in university. Maybe you will need it one day probably not tho XDDD. Best way to get thru dull shit is in small packages or getting only the necessary stuff done, tho that is connected to risk.

I wish I would know STEM shit today. Learning it would probably be super dull to me tho. Maybe not anymore.
No. 23193
I’ll probably do it tomorrow morning, since the exam will be in the afternoon.
I finally read one of the poets who will be a possible subject during the exam, and judging by his biography and poems, he feels like a second rate prick. That, or maybe I’m just tired and grumpy.
No. 23196
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
I feel so lost and directionless in my own head without anyone to really consult about anything, so any kind of third person perspective or context really help. Some people can plan their entire lives ahead, while I can't seem to see past my own nose. I don't know if it's the natural result of social isolation, but I pretty much have no idea where I'm going with anything, or what I'm supposed to be doing. No path to follow, nothing laid out in front of me. Rationally, I prefer it this way, but sometimes not knowing what to do next and having nobody to ask gets overwhelming.
No. 23211
So I had heavy political discussions yesterday with the hsc due to the announcement of my vote during the annual traditional celebration in my hometown led to great discussions (in which I was the center of attention, as well as in the later run of the festivity where I was crowned young king nonetheless and picked her as my queen), to a point where common ground really couldn't be found.
I think she'll just not answer anymore again but I'll stay rock sturdy. But that's what we are, little stones flying among the eruptions of history - ocassionally colliding, maybe lying down together but flying apart again in the very end.
A small reading is going to follow soon and I'll participate and invite her, it's not omittable anyways. It's almost like I feel the obligation to do it.
At least when she comes to my city it will finally hold the chance for the two of us to be alone together afterwards and not during a big festivity when I'm drunk.
You can imagine that my heart is full of unrest and my mind as well.
Other than that this week was emotionally quite exhaustive so I only got a few things done, low productivity.
But I'll go on a little holiday trip out into the green with friends next week, it might be very soothing in my current state. Maybe I should just shut down and breathe for a week, I'll need to have a lot of staying power up until August when my internship will be over and lord knows what will have happened up until then.
No. 23212
Life is quite different to a video game. There is no end point. Even dying is just one monkey leaving the system, the system carries on. Feeling directionless is the natural order because there is no direction. All you can do is pick a way to go at the moment, and that's the direction you went, whether the outcome be good or bad, and once more giving sage advice that I don't follow. Confucius say: shit happens then you die.
No. 23217
And it's fucking done. It went a lot better than last semester.
I was the last one to take the exam, because my teacher didn't come on time, because she still had a class to hold. The others were preparing to speak about their topics, meanwhile I didn't even have one.
All in all, I had to wait two hours before my time came. My subject was "Modern drama trough Ibsen's The Wild Duck or Chekhov's Seagull"
A completely neutral topic. I neither hate it nor love it.
Apparently the jury was impressed. It was especially strange to hear one of the older teachers express an opinion like this. Older teachers can have really "hardcore" expectations at times.

The ethics essay was accepted as a substitute for taking the exam.
>Your essay was really good, and your place is definitely at a humanities faculty, but if you really intend to take the advanced matura, you should plan ahead.
So finally, I have a fucking copy of the requirements for the advanced Language and Literature matura. Fucking finally.
It's 16 pages long, but I finally have the damn thing. They always just promise me to send it over, and never do.
The compliment felt really nice.

I'm going to spend the rest of the night playing Mount and Blade. Thank God I only have to go in on Friday next week.
No. 23220
I just called the police because it's too loud outside on a early saturday night.
I'm getting seriously old.
No. 23224
It just midnight. What kind of noise? Party or street?
No. 23231
22 kB, 500 × 360
There's a football field with a restaurant right across the street of me and it used to be a normal club home where people could go to eat and drink at day.
I think 2 or so years ago the ownership changed and since then everytime my bedroom gets over 25°C at night so i have to open my window they start to turn that thing into a weekend nightclub with mostly turk music.

Somehow i managed to live with it but not this year, this year i fight.
No. 23232

so what happened?

I remember being close to calling the police because of some student party in the backyard of my block a year ago when I still lived in that flat, at 2am they were still blasting shitty music and classics alike at high volume in their garden, occasionally turning it a bit down but some drunk ass turning it up again a few minutes later. But because I did not want to be the old fart still <30yo I managed it somehow.
They either stopped themselves or the cops were called by somebody else. The whole block is a mix of families, students, old people, singles and greeks.
No. 23234
The guy on the phone told me that they already got a call about that place that night and they would send someone over to take care.
If someone came and if something happened i can not tell because i went to the living room with headphones on after it was still loud around 30min later.

How i will proceed over the next few weeks until it's quiet:
I will continue to call the police everytime they're an annoyance after 10pm
I will call the restaurant/club directly everytime they're an annoyance after 10pm
I will send a letter to my landlord demanding a 10% cut in rent unless he takes care of the situation
I will contact the owner (i assmume the city) of the place on a regular basis

The noise itself doesn't even matter to me that much, i could just wear ear plugs when i want to sleep, what i don't like is that they operate pretty much a disco or night club in the middle of a residential area without a bit of consideration.
No. 23236
That's unironically boomer/pensioner tier behaviour, but go ahead, just for the simple reason of them playing türk tier music
No. 23237
you shouldn't have called the cops. now you'd have probable cause written all over you if you were to get a jerrycan filled with gas and some matches and fix the problem your own way.
No. 23239
>jerrycan filled with gas and some matches and fix the problem your own way.

If that would be on my to do list i would've mentioned it above
No. 23251
341 kB, 513 × 632
I hate my life because I have no idea what to do with it. I am a 23 year old man who graduated highschool in 2015 and I have no strong interests in anything, I have no skills, no practical knowledge, no formal previous job experiences, no actual friends, a family that secretly resents me because I cannot support myself since employers don’t care to hire me, and I suffer from social anxiety and IBS.

What should I do?
No. 23253
Err I'll have to think about that. What are your assets? For one thing, on the plus side you're actually still quite young. Yeah I mean people around your age are going to be doing things like trying to start careers and families but a lot of people in their early 20s have no fucking idea what to do.

Your main problem here is going to be a combined lack of work record with no education, I'm assuming?
> I have no skills, no practical knowledge
Then you can work on getting them. Just apprentice for someone or get into a practical trade, watch YT videos if you have to on carpentry or stone masonry or something, or painting houses, and then you can just pretty much bullshit your way into doing odd jobs for people and build on that because now you technically have a background in something.

> no actual friends, a family that secretly resents me
Not having a network or family support is a huge impediment but it's not the end of the world especially in early 20s. It just means you're on your own a bit more.

Try getting into some kind of clubs or finding groups doing things you like to do, like sports or gaming groups or whatever, go bowling. The anxiety and IBS part, well idk about IBS in public but at least you can calm your nerves a bit. You got a psych or something? It can be really damaging and lead to lifelong problems, but a benzo script or even propranolol or even Neurontin or something might be useful, or having a drink but only if you have no alcoholism in your family and that can also lead to lifelong problems. Steady your nerves and get into something.

>I have no strong interests in anything
is your main problem. If you don't care about anything you can't get into anything so pick something at random if you have to and force yourself into it. Change your mentality first and do it while spamming your job applications at people. If you need to use a chemical crutch then find your crutch and use it to do all those things in the span of however many hours it lasts.
No. 23254
>What are your assets?
My dad is a physician and I have lots of resources from that alone yet despite that I still haven’t found my way in life. He gets frustrated that I don’t do anything and I understand his frustrations but what am I supposed to do if I don’t know what to do with myself?

As for a psych, they don’t really help they just talk with you and give you prescription meds which do more harm then good. I don’t like going to one. Recently I was diagnosed with PTSD by one but I don’t believe it’s that. I was also diagnosed with the ‘tism at an early age.

I could always get government benefits like SSD I guess from the combined paperwork of the PTSD and ‘tism but I’d rather not be a leech to taxpayers. And well, I don’t even think they’d give it to me anyway cuz I’m, after all, a “white male”.

But I mean this has been going on for quite a long time. All I ever wanted to do was play games on the PC all day and night since nothing else was appealing to me and I was dealing with unpleasant life elements (family and everyone else around me that I had to deal with) to which I needed to escape from so it was a good outlet for awhile but the catch was that I got addicted to it and now I can’t seem to get off the Internet it seems. This was especially prevalent during schoolbreals and post-highschool and my father would yell at me and get angry because I would just sit there and go on the Internet all the time and/or play games.

I did try to get a job as he wanted me to but as you’ve already guessed the employers didn’t very much care so they never hired me which subsequently is why I don’t have any experience.

They say the economy is doing really, realy well but if that were the case these fuckers would’ve already hired me on the spot, but nope that never happens. I shouldn’t even have to try if it’s doing really, really well but it’s totally the opposite.

So I don’t know man, I don’t know what to do. I sort of hate people for my misfortunes since they’re the ones who primarily caused it but of course I cannot take retribution against them because then I would get in trouble. If the law didn’t apply to me then yes I would go on a murdering spree but sadly I cannot.

Anyway that’s what I’m dealing with and there’s no way out.
No. 23255
I feel like I’m a little unstable, and well my father did a test on me and I had near 200 testosterone levels. Don’t know if this has anything to do with my issues but it maybe a significant factor in it. I asked my dad about it and he said it was “normal”. I really don’t know if I should trust him either with my health.
No. 23256
>employers don’t care to hire me

Sorry to break it to you but that's something that is usually said by people who don't try to find a job or people who try to find a job way above their league.
Write applications and set yourself a goal for how many per day or week you want to do and don't apply exclusively for jobs you want but also for those you could really get because even if it's a shit job, you're still young and could look for something different in 2 or so years when you have actual working experience and maybe a recommendation from your boss.

I work in the personnel department of a company that owns various big supermarket chains and i see people who studied for years and have a bachelor degree apply for a 100h/month job as cassier nearly every day, you know why they do that? Because future employers prefer someone who worked a shitty job while looking for something better over someone who sat at home most of the day doing nothing.
No. 23257
I’ve just dealt with so much unnecessariness with everyone around me it is really appalling that I have to go to an imageboard for help
No. 23258
Well if the economy is doing really really well like what the mainstream news says then unemployment shouldn’t be an issue literally anywhere

I don’t think this is my fault?
No. 23259
>Well if the economy is doing really really well like what the mainstream news says then unemployment shouldn’t be an issue literally anywhere

That's not really how this works, you expect people to knock on your door and offer you jobs? Write applications or it is your fault.
No. 23260
just learn something that makes you employable, learn to be a car mechanic or an electrician

what really happens when someone has to work as a cashier instead of working on his field of expertise:
>damn, this dude must really suck at his field
in b4 sociology majors
No. 23261 Kontra
No, I don’t expect them to knock on my door asking me for a job. I’ve put in applications, obviously. I’ve literally annoyed a company, a fastfood company at that to give me a job but they would never let up.

What the fuck am I, a person with no experience, skills, or social skills, supposed to do Germany, huh? Threaten them with a gun? Blackmail them? Extort them?
No. 23262
Knock on the door asking for a job, Jesus fucking Christ I’ve heard that a bunch of times from boomers

So annoying
No. 23265

Is that some sort of natural law that makes it work this way?
No. 23266
You know, I wouldn't underestimate the power of physical presence in landing a job. I've gotten jobs I had no business getting I suspect because I was there and good enough which saved them the time and effort compared of having to sift through a pile of online applications. Sure it requires some looking for ads so you aren't doing a cold approach, but there is a nugget of wisdom in there, however obfuscated.
No. 23267
Yeah, or give them a call instead of some email.

Ofc when you call them you shouldn't sound like the most unmotivated man on earth even tho all of us know nobody is delighted doing a boring/shitty job.
If you don't know what to do in life you should do a few things first and stop thinking in circles. Work a part time job, it will be an experience, again: to get a job you have to be a tiny bit sociable, but that's how it is. Nobody wants a person that shows from the beginning that it will hate the job every second and has no motivation. There are reason why I applied for a library and not McDonalds, both are not cool or exciting jobs, but I like books and would hate working at McDonalds so I have a reason to be motivated means making money the easier way by working in a library instead of McDonalds
No. 23271
Right. Obviously if you ask in person about an entry level position in retail or food service they're just going to direct you to apply online like every other schmuck. Boomers live on another planet.

I'm in a similar position: 21 years old and basically the only work experience I have is working nights at the front desk at my dad's medical practice and tutoring chemistry because no one will hire me for any of the shit jobs I apply to.
No. 23272 Kontra
just to clarify, I am a different person from the other burger who is apparently also the sonbasket of a dogtor
No. 23276
I mowed the lawn today. It was really fucking bad.
Summer arrived so suddenly. I basically came back into the house every half an hour to cool off.

Yesterday I bought a giant candle for three bucks. It lasts around 40 hours, according to the little emblem on the bottom. It smells like jasmine.
Now the only problem is, that it has three fuses, and three burning fuses can produce quite a lot of heat in a 12m^2 room, apparently. So it's not exactly an ideal item to keep around during summer.

I basically spent the first two days of "freedom" doing nothing, and playing Mount and Blade. I think I'm getting somewhat good at it.
No. 23278
It's not today but I had an interesting conversation with a black 'nam vet this weekend. Among the things I think you guys would find interesting is he started talking about how he had to shoot little 14 and 15 year old boys when he was 19 and drafted because they were shooting at him. He started choking up and said he still thinks about them to this day.
No. 23281
It's been two years since Dad passed away. We went to visit his grave to feel one with him again. To commemorate one of his favorite activities, we later went to Costco and shared a pizza. Dad always loved the incredible deals you could get there, and that pizza was no exception.

A huge wave of emotions welled inside me, but not enough to break me; less depressing and more reflective with a touch of bittersweetness. Aside from some missed opportunities, I never had any regrets or unresolved issues. Our last week together was full of blessed memories, in fact. Our bond couldn't be broken. Still, the absence of his embarrassment of riches in wisdom was keenly felt between me and Mama. No matter, for he entered and left this world with dignity.

Rest in peace, Papa. I will always love you.
No. 23282
You just described 90% of 18 year olds
No. 23283
You say something dangerous is happening in the flat if you want to police to visit, you heard screaming, people smoking drugs, children in danger ect.
With a disposable sim card start ordering pizzas, taxis, escorts to arrive at the flat.
Final resort bricks through the window?
But is this a flat, do you need security to get to the flat, is it accessible from the ground floor.
No. 23285
I'm sorry about your father. From your heartfelt expression, I know he must have been a great man.
No. 23288
108 kB, 1148 × 746
Maghan Qazaqsha soileu ushin oryn kerek. Ony zhasaisam qaitedi?

Bilmeimin. Sondyqtan maghan buly kerek shyrghar.

t. Qazaq tilinnin qasapshy
No. 23289
It's actually pretty impressive how you can pretty much comprehensively communicate in kazakh already. I couldn't learn a new language if my life depended on it these days.

At this point, using kazakh on a daily basis would be the best way to progress for you. Considering that I tend to drop off the face of the earth from time to time, I'd probably be a terrible teacher, but you could always use some of the kazakh book resources I gave you, and run them through https://www.lexilogos.com/keyboard/kazakh_conversion.htm
No. 23290
Are you saying I'm still mentally a teenager? That's disconcerting to me.
No. 23294
Not really tbh. It has been about 2 years and some change and I still rely heavily on my notes when using the language.

I like it though, which helps a lot with not just dropping it.

Yeah, I should read books but there is just a massive vocab wall which makes it way harder than it should be. Maybe I should find narestesy birinshi kitaby :-DDD
No. 23295 Kontra

Fug. Didn't assimilate the suffix.
No. 23297
Since everybody is away (on a school trip or at work), I have the house to myself.
I decided to try reading on the balcony again. Big mistake. I managed 20 or so pages of The Lusiads before coming in. This is horrible, and I want to throw up. I had this small, fist sized fan on the table, but I turned it off, because it did jack fucking shit.

The big fan is running at full capacity, and it feels like it's doing absolutely nothing. The saying old folks usually blurt out during times like these comes to mind
>Weather like this isn't for a white man
Though not like there is any point in whining about it. We are all going to get used to it in a couple of days, and then bitch when autumn rolls around. I guess until then I'm just gonna play video games instead of doing anything productive.

On the topic of The Lusiads, it's good, but feels strange that it mixes the old Greco-Roman gods with Christianity. The Portuguese kings crush the "barbarians" in the name of justice and faith, yet it's Jove who decided that they shall have the East for their bravery. Very strange.
No. 23298
Shower, shower then shower again.

Aren't we all.
Your problems are not so great or different from most of the population, not that I am trivialising them.

>I hate my life because I have no idea what to do with it.
This is normal

>I have no strong interests in anything
When reading, watching youtube or listening to podcasts if something interests you write it down and you can look it up later

>I have no skills, no practical knowledge, no formal previous job experiences,
Try something, plenty of tutorials online, from carpentry, car repair, 3d modeling, drawing, speaking different languages, public speaking
If you are not getting interviews then you are not qualified for that job

>no actual friends,
Kein Raus

>a family that secretly resents me
Better than being homeless

>I suffer from social anxiety and IBS.
Take baby steps, try and fix your diet
No. 23303

Nareste-nin kitabi: baby's book.
Onyn narestesi: his baby.

You mixed up the possessive noun suffix (nin) with the subject (kitabi, narestesi).
No. 23304
Right, yes. Of course. Fug :-D One day I will properly unravel the mysteries of your mother tongue, but that day is not today, and I doubt it will be any day soon. I'm hoping that my eventual trip to Brickistan, even though I think it'll be short (maybe a week?) will help a lot. Getting real-time examples of proper use can only be helpful. Live practice kicks your teeth in far quicker than books, but you learn the lesson faster when said teeth are at stake.

Als ob, my research makes me feel obliged to tell you to avoid public squares for a while unless absolutely necessary. You're probably quite aware of it, but bystanders are getting caught up in Toqaev's crackdown in Almaty.
No. 23313
Well, today was fine I guess.

My old classmates from elementary school started planning another "meetup". I had the chance to look at the conversations in the facebook group, and it made me want to commit genocide.
>*Crying emoji*x10
>"Just get fucking drunk fuc"
>"I'ma goin to fail my matura so hard"
>Gypsy girl posting her freshly birthed spawn
Fuck these people. Fucking proles. I'm not going to attend.
Nobody I was friends with wrote anything anyway.

Started looking through the requirements for the oberstufe in Language and Literature. It's some pretty serious shit, but it's the type of serious shit I'd be glad to have a go at and undertake. Even reading through the list made me feel and odd sort of happiness. (Especially how Medieval literature is a possible topic on the advanced level exams, so I'll get to talk about some great works, hopefully.)

I had a strangely pleasant dream about my exams. In it, I was lauded for writing a great physics and maths exam, both graded at a "solid 4", the second best grade. Let's hope it turns out to be a vision, rather than just a dream.
No. 23315
You ever feel like real life is a dream and your higher being is sleeping in a bed in the ethereal realm

That’s what I kind of felt like after taking LSD
No. 23316
I think I’m dying, Ernst
No. 23317
That's because on some level your high cognitive functions are normally asleep much of the day while you're working, playing vidya, shitposting, doing chores or whatever. Most of your life you're pretty much on auto pilot without even realizing it. Acid just makes you more aware of it. Certain other things can trigger this awareness too, like intense sex with someone you care about, extreme pain, even oxycontin sometimes and so on. Of course this isnt touching on the spiritual dimensions of things but yeah, it's because you're normally asleep even while awake.
No. 23329 Kontra
Fuck gypsies like you
No. 23343
It would appear that my ball has changed. I suspect that it's the new internet since we switched to the NBN, but I don't know for sure, or why it'd say I'm from Britain if it is the NBN.

No. 23344
Today has certainly been more productive than yesterday.
I went out and cut down a tree. It fell on the peas I planted, despite making sure to cut it from the opposite direction, but I guess it was just way too tilted. I started chopping it up, but the heat was simply unbearable, so I had to come inside.

Managed to translate a single page from a Karinthy short story. It's good practice. I'll publish it in the literature thread once it's done.

I decided to torrent the Chernobyl series HBO made, since everybody was raving about it (even my mother, strangely enough. Told her "DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PAY FOR IT!", and I guess I might as well give it a go, since it's not some edgy fantasy or capeshit film or series.

Can't play Mount and Blade because the laptop keeps overheating.
No. 23349
Well, as it turns out, I cut down the wrong tree. I had a suspicion that this was the case, but I was already halfway done with the thing. Though this one was actually "dead", sort of, the insides were brown and spongy, and most of the branches were dry, breaking like dry breadsticks, only one or two had leaves and some would be peaches on it.
In contrast, the tree I was expected to cut down is completely healthy, with a normal tree shape and produce growing on it. (Albeit the apples it grows are always pebble sized.)
No. 23351
392 kB, 0:17
>I cut down the wrong tree
>the insides were brown and spongy
It doesn't sound like that tree had long to live anyway. I hope it didn't damage the peas when it fell.

>In contrast, the tree I was expected to cut down is completely healthy,
Why do they want it cut down? Is it in a bad location?

Our insect population is back in full force. I recorded this on Sunday morning, when I noticed the usual quiet chirping had become a full blown orchestra. It was a beautiful sound.
No. 23368
My laptop is dying, so I'm going to repurpose a relatively good PC for home use that nobody in the family has a use for. It's incredible what material wealth we manage to accumulate over the span of our lives.
The problem is that my laptop has an issue running even older 3D games, despite having a dedicated video card and fresh drivers.
I'm not going to throw it away, but rather exchange it with the PC. I just have to reset Windows on that one and it should be good to go.

Tomorrow is the last schoolday officially. I'll get to know how I performed on the exams.
Nope. I already know three. Just checked it online.
>Maths - 4 (good)
I'm being trolled and bamboozled, I'm sure. It's fucking excellent, considering I was enough of a coward to skip all the test during the last semester.

No bloody idea why I'm supposed to cut that one down. The peach tree I knocked down was actually in the way, with a giant branch over the pathway leading to the sheds at the end of the garden. Not like I can do anything with it until I've completely picked apart the first tree I cut down, and that's still a good few days away, because half of it is stuck between the grape wines.
No. 23381
I dipped my toe into biotechnology and other synthetic areas of science just a little bit. No hard science but explanations for dumbos. Moved by accelerationism I'm thinking on how I could close the gap between humanities and STEM, does it make sense to learn hard science on the side? Is it even possible for someone who was never interested in it but is now aware how important it is and how even more important it is to understand this stuff to frame it better and differently than it is done so often in the humanities and (folk) politics? My head was prickling when I read about nano technology, just a few minutes back I finished the chapter. And I was not so much amazed by the possibilities which are clearly there as well as the down sides, which is also a matter of framing to a certain extent but some are on the level of STEM only, obviously like malfunctions, non-knowledge about long term effects etc. but the imagination of materiality 'working' constantly, while reading this stuff about the nano level and it's different reaction behavior.
No. 23386
Day-to-day science is very much different from the general/textbook summaries you are likely reading. I.e. it is much more boring and much less "hard" than one'd imagine from outside. I don't want to discourage you from learning about it, I just want to stress that it's very different to learn about it and actually learn how to conduct experiments in some field or w/e.
Btw if you're learning about bio stuff I want to recommend this lectures series by Robert Sapolsky. First part: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNnIGh9g6fA
It's highly accessible and an awesome & somewhat comprehensive introduction to the whole topic. A few of the studies he cites at times have come under heavy criticism, but w/e.
No. 23387
So to keep it short: out of reasons I cannot even describe myself I got closer again with the schizo girl.
I was clear about what I was getting myself into from minute one, there is no other explanation than pure and unhindered masochism paired with a devilish mixture of lust and loneliness. It got even worse since she told me that she loved me on sunday. Since then whenever I'm away or don't have time for her she gets extremely clingy (just today she got angry because I didn't answer for half an hour!), then for a couple of hours she is really sweet to me, than she's cold and then when I really take time for her she starts provocating in idiotic ways that just piss me off and finally she starts throwing a tantrum shortly before falling asleep and posing as "hurt" or angry or whatever her behaviour is supposed to signal.
I'm at a point where it's hard to say weither I'm really emotionally involved or not. Stopped trying to make sense out of this person long ago. Nonetheless she paved her demonic way down into the depths of my weak soul where she rages and rampages.
Luckily the rampage she had early this year left not much more than ruins and ghosts. Back then I was so sensitive that I was close to having an emotional breakdown when she was having her phases of batshit insane behaviour, this night I just lay back and laugh emptily.
Talking of the ruins and ghosts: something interesting she revealed to me on monday was that she believed to feel safer with someone "who doesn't have feelings for her".
Maybe this was her twisted game from early on, devouring every little piece of feelings I had, depriving me of any sentimentality and kind-heartedness to feel safe around me. Sounds fucked up? Yes it is. Her parents should be imprisoned for being such absolutely spine- and heartless degenerates without any sense of responsibility.
Another secret I will reveal to my dear Ernst: madness runs through her hole family, the very same madness. Lord knows what this is, maybe some demiurge's evil spawn to torture actual humans. I'm done with her tricks, I don't care about her outbursts. It's just annoying and fulfilling that it all consumes so much precious time of mine.
On the other side I don't want to leave her alone, she would probably just completely drop out.

Somewhere else is my hs crush, we were torn apart before really being able to give each other a chance. Through every very spare word she writes me I feel waves of charity flowing. She saw me only twice since our reconnection and every time it was on a party and I acted like a drunk brute. Then there were the political discussions, even though we had massive disagreements talking to her felt better.
Still awaiting her reply to my last points but I think she dropped out due to lack of energy (and probably now feels like not acting like le strong independent woman she'd like to be, which once again damages the communication).

See, I don't mind the loneliness. I don't at all. I would like to be free of all this emotional stress as I have much bigger worries to care for but I get drawn to these women like a poor little magnet. Best would really be to just leave them behind both but then I'm stuck with only my work again, where there is no sweet womanly affection to be seen anywhere.
Thank god next month I will finally be able to do the internship, it will be a blessing no matter the outcome. No humiliation in the dish-washer job and constant mails from my employer asking for my availability, no daily tantrums of the demon as she is a good girl when I'm away most of the day and an occupation for my over boiling mind.

I feel like I need to fuck off from this city before I completely lose my mind due to the endless boredom and loneliness. I had the thought of starting to study again, some speciaized subjects at small universities at the other side of the country come to my mind. There is no apprenticeship, I'd like to do and I got rejected at the somewhat interesting ones (seems like they were a haven for failed academics).
I only want to stay here until I'm done with a few projects I'm working on together with others so I don't leave the city without at least having done something worthwile in the end.

Thanks for your attention, friends.
No. 23388
Well I want to understand what is happening there. I could visit lots of promising lectures, seminars and so on, my uni provides many different and special degree courses in MINT, half of them MA but there even exists a biotechnology BA. The Erstie lecture in biology builts upon a 1800 pages strong handbook I guess is mandatory all over the world, it's by Campbell and Reece. Maybe I just get my hands on that one. I don't have any clue, I sucked in school. Yet now I dream of studying this stuff, being equipped with knowledge from the humanities and MINT makes me the universal soldier :DDDD A additional BA in biotechnology and one in bioinformatics, is that too much to ask? :DDDD Some weird chemistry stuff or maybe some engineering, but not Maschinenbau.
I will borrow it from the library. Yet my guts tell me it will stay a dream, since I'm - as always - covered in books. I guess if I take a woman home again one day she would be offended that her side in bed is plastered with books that I first have to move away to make space for a second person next to me.
No. 23404
I've got the flu again
my immune system is fucked up
No. 23405
The semester ended today. I finally know all the exam results. Every subject is the best possible grade, except for maths and physics, both of which turned out to be graded at 4 (out of 5).
So it's a really good result, and I didn't permanently fuck up my life. I'm really fucking happy.

The Festive Book Week started yesterday. I'm thinking about attending, just to see what the publishers have on offer.
Apparently you can cop some pretty good books for a good price, but I never went there myself.

I fell asleep when I got home. Just crawled into bed from the office chair, and sort of fell asleep, despite the music still playing.
No. 23409
>the flu again.
Sorry to hear that; I hope you can avoid the ER.

>Every subject is the best possible grade, except for maths and physics, both of which turned out to be graded at 4 (out of 5).
All that work and anxiety, and now it's finally over. Congratulations.
No. 23411
45 kB, 379 × 269
I'm currently in Central Tennessee helping my sister and brother-in-law move into and renovate their new place (she's starting her residency at a local hospital). Just moments ago I witnessed a deeply odd spectacle: in the center of the downtown (Murfreesboro) there was some kind of Christian rock concert being put on by an evangelical megachurch. That in itself would not have been unnerving, but it was accompanied by probably like 100 county police officers milling about for no damn reason, along with tons of police squad cars, trucks and SUVs. They even had an armored troop carrier for some reason, and lots of them were carrying assault rifles. Altogether this town just creeps me the fuck out. Did the bolice think they were going to fight the x-men? Is this kind of presence considered normal here?
No. 23412
Oh dear god it's a real place name. I thought you were joking.

>hundreds of cops, armed troop transports
Yeah those are all for us. Like how all these pathetic retards are suddenly okay with FEMA camps as long as Trump is the one doing it. Honestly those jaws are going to slam shut so hard and fast that all I really want to do at this point is save up enough money to get the hell away from the country before shit hits the fan.
No. 23414
Go to the Stones River battlefield if you have time. It's an interesting place, but they also have two Wiard Rifles which are are fairly rare piece of artillery. You might need to ask where exactly they are, but I suspect that they're up at the Nashville Pike. I think I remember reading somewhere that they're up near the January positions. Could be wrong though, it's been a while.
No. 23415
>Oh dear god it's a real place name. I thought you were joking.
Sames. It sounds like Starspangleville or Baldeagleton.
No. 23416
It's named after one Colonel Murfree of Revolutionary War renown. He isn't incredibly famous but is a notable figure with a decent career.

If you want to see a Burgerstan-tier name, look no further than this guy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/States_Rights_Gist
No. 23419
>States Rights Gist
Reminds me of that French noble dude who changed his name to Egalite during the 1789 revolution. He still got executed later, heh. Also, Soviets made up quite a lot of similar names, like Industriy or Electrina; thank D-g they weren't really popular.
No. 23420
33 kB, 284 × 284
>Elem Klimov was born in Stalingrad (now Volgograd) into a Russian family of German Stepanovich Klimov, an investigator who worked at the Central Control Commission of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, and Kaleria Georgievna Klimova. His parents were staunch communists and his first name was an acronym derived from the names of Engels, Lenin and Marx.[1][2]
No. 23422
At least it sounds okay, so it's not the worst acronym name. There were such abominations as Lentrobukh (LENin, TROtsky, BUKHarin) or Trolebuzina (TROtsky, LEnin, BUkharin, ZINoviev).
No. 23423
668 kB, 699 × 1000
I should name my next XCOM soldier Rabotnik Kolkhoz Lenin after you although I think there's no Belarussian soldiers. Or металлург. My current up and coming Russian snipers name is Durak. Rate.
No. 23424
Here's a list for you to pick from, if you can figure out Cyrillic:

>My current up and coming Russian snipers name is Durak. Rate.
5/10, not edgy enough. Call him Mudak instead. Also, the word "дурак" written with Latin letters always reminds me of this scene:
"Doorak, doorak!", he-he-he.
No. 23425
Sniper is female and not meant as insult but a nickname, because "Bullseye" sounded too retarded. Man I love this voicepak with Polish/Russian though Chinese sounds like a shit with bad mic. Would you call a female sniper you actuall y like mudak?
No. 23427
Well, firstly, the word "durak" isn't affectionate at all, it just means "fool", nothing else. There's a variant "durachok" which could be translated to English as "silly" and it can be used affectionately.

Secondly, "durak" is a masculine gender noun, so a female won't be called like that, unless it's her surname or something. Feminine gender variant of "durak" is "dura", and in case of "durachok" it is "durochka". There's also "duryokha", which is not as cutesy as "durochka" and a bit rude, but still more friendly than just "dura".
No. 23429
No. 23433
30 kB, 450 × 338
>Secondly, "durak" is a masculine gender noun, so a female won't be called like that, unless it's her surname or something. Feminine gender variant of "durak" is "dura", and in case of "durachok" it is "durochka". There's also "duryokha", which is not as cutesy as "durochka" and a bit rude, but still more friendly than just "dura".
Oh yeah right I forgot about that. Come to think, me not using gender forms for fucking everything is probably an equivalent to Slavic article dropping.

>Well, firstly, the word "durak" isn't affectionate at all, it just means "fool", nothing else.
Meh I know what it means. I figured it could be an imaginary play on the soldiers gathering together for card games and finding out some story about her childhood background while drinking and playing cards, with the card tattoo and being a teasing in joke thing for the squad. Plus I simply like that word.

I also like this idea quite a lot
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foolishness_for_Christ even though I'm using the wrong word.