I'm not sure where to ask this but does anyone have lots great media related to what alien worlds might look like? Preferably more realistic. Like, alien horizons, great planets in the sky like the gorgeous view in Predators, documentaries, scientific research, things like that. I want to imagine what different planets all across our local cluster may be like and look like on the ground, particularly the goldilocks zone in other systems with their frozen worlds, sand planets like Arrakis, massive ocean worlds and so on.

It is absolutely the saddest thing to me that no matter what I'm never gonna get to see a bunch of alien planets close up. If civilization somehow avoids coming crashing down just imagine if you were like part of that first generation 600 years from now getting to see rover images and video transmitted from foreign star systems we are probing. God that is sad. But then again at least I was here in time for proofs of other worlds. Can you imagine that? In the year I was born there actually was no solid evidence for any other planets existing. They were always speculated but living adults today spent a lot of their adult lives being able to say there might not be other planets. In retrospect while this might explain the popularity of things like Creationism and climate change denial I have no clue why flat earthers became a thing with all that new knowledge these past 20 years.

It's a really incredible thing to think about isnt it? We know for a fact all these other stars have planets. We may actually he a typical system. It could even end up turning out to be incredibly common and just like a natural phenomenon in the universe for life to start spontaneously evolving within a band of planet formation. Could you even imagine that? If one day we found out that life happening is just something that naturally physically occurs everywhere like lightning and windstorms? Or maybe even more interestingly, if we found out every other system is dead.

It just saddens me not getting to physically see any and I want to see some speculation about it to cheer up. Just the way a planet's atmospheric horizon looks is amazing. I wonder if there's any videos of the approach to Mars and then landing on the planet.

>>37127
It's hard to believe we might actually get to Mars. That seemed like a distant pipe-dream just ten years ago.

>great media related to what alien worlds might look like?

Not too long ago I read an article on NASA artists, and while I couldn't remember which one, looking for it led me to this:

https://www.npr.org/2016/10/24/495072203/out-of-this-world-how-artists-imagine-planets-yet-unseen

This includes links to several different artists and their work.

There is also this organization:
International Association of Astronomical Artists
https://iaaa.org/

But the art is not always as scientifically sound.

>>37119
University is like hitting on stranger females in the street, besides rare exceptions. I met my ex gf at uni tbh now that I think of it. But that was nearly 4 years ago.
Anyway I don't want install Tinder because I have the fear I will see females I've seen IRL, matching with those would be pressure cooking for me to a certain extent. But on the other hand it would never happen anything without the app. Ach, I'm a coward when it comes to this. It seems a hassle, on the other hand I need intimacy and sex badly.

>>37124
Just ask her again, because she said you should go and now after taking a closer look you might want to go, maybe she would like to go with you...something along the lines. It's not too late to revive a moment in that case I guess.

---

I got back a 2.0 for a small paper, reading it again I see that my style isn't really good in comparison to what I read. As expected I call into question my career attempts of staying in academia. Now I just hope I can keep my final BA grade below 2.0 with the last graded papers coming at me in the near future. I perhaps will have to face the fact that my BA won't be good enough to get into the master programs I want to go. Well, both universities offer more or less 80 possible seats for participants. That is not so much I guess and there are people who are writing better papers than me I'm sure. But looking at my courses and often wonder if these people stay silent or if people with similar quality works or even less get the same or sometimes better grades depending on the lecturer.

Fuck this day. Made small progress setting up a thesis I need to write over upcoming spring break.

>>37135
Ok, consulted the calculator. I have a final grade of 1.7 atm. If I can chart a better grade with an exam I'm taking again, I might lower it. The last two papers and the BA thesis need to be below 2.0 and I'm fine. It's really shit to think like this tbh.

Killed that history test, though I almost ran out of time.
The tasks were easy. The first one was to name the 5 stages of World War II, and the second one was to describe either the campaigns of the USSR or Nazi Germany during the first stage of the war. (From the invasion of Poland to Barbarossa)
I picked the Nazis because we were allowed to use the atlas and it had more dates for the Germans than it did for the Soviets.
Ended up writing two pages.
Jokingly said

>I'm almost done with my award-winning monograph, just give me a sec

before handing it in.

>Will it be called The Life and Works of the Second World War, Ernst?

Anyway, it has already been corrected and awarded the best possible grade, judging by the digital diary.

We discussed the poems they plastered on the walls to commemorate the day of Hungarian culture with two of my mates. The only thing that alarmed us was that someone put up two poems by the controversial author, poet, war criminal, emigré and fascist Albert Wass.
(Wass is a second rate author, or so I heard, and is, if I were to judge him by his poetry, who is currently being pushed by the establishment to counter the "left wing-liberal" writers of the Nyugat-era. Politicians read his poems during official occasions and he has been introduced to the literature curriculum effective next year.)

I was a weak willed bitch and burned 6 euros to get that Greek-Hungarian copy of Works and Days.
Now it's time to get that bread and study biology.

>>37124
Well, there is really no point in being blunt and overly honest all the time, is there?
I berated her previously, and honestly, there is not much point to it. Who benefits?
She doesn't learn anything, and I'm seen as the asshole for bothering someone dumb for being dumb.

>Portfolio

Never really thought of it as a portfolio, really. Always thought that a portfolio is somehow more than a bunch of shit put into a folder with a sticker "I made this".

>>37138

>Never really thought of it as a portfolio

I looked it up; according to Merriam-Webster, the definition fits :D.
Seriously, though, congratulations on having your sh*t together. It's easy to want to write or publish, but you're actually putting in the work.

Why are my cell biology professors always old women from Eastern Europe

>>37144
Dunno, must be some of those spooky biological warfare experts left unemployed after the collapse of Socialist bloc.

Starting job applications again.
Admittedly, I've been on-off applying for at least a year and a half at this point, in an industry which is doing relatively decent (IT), but I haven't gotten much further than a few second interviews. I don't know how much networking play into it, but considering I work the night and the weekends I struggle to keep up a relationship with one-or-two people, yet alone do anything involving networking. Not even my manager can be bothered to attend the meetings he's required to schedule with me once every month, and my only coworker is even more isolated than myself. So really I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for extended period of time.
I'm also in the awkward position that while I am not particularly enthused about my job, I am more enthused about it than virtually any other kind of work I've done. So I wouldn't be surprised if I come as rather underwhelming in my resume, and my lack of projects or other niceties just makes no real impression in interviews. I guess I should go for either a Google Cloud or Azure cert, as I already have experience and a cert in AWS.

On the bright side, I'm doing much better since >>36162 . After trying Strattera for a month and loathing it, I was prescribed Vyvanse 30 mg. While the dosage is markedly lower than my former Adderall dosage and I can feel the ennui creep in from time-to-time, I have no compulsion to take more than needed due to the slow and imperceptible time required to take effect, and it does make a significant positive impact on my ability to realize immediate tasks.

I've also upgraded from a tatami mat and futon to a full mattress, with an adjustable base. My sleep quality has definitely improved, I fall asleep much easier, and I no longer wake up sore, but even with melatonin and blackout curtains I still struggle to sleep 6 or so hours during the day.

I'm so glad I'm finally fucking done with writing tests.
Science subjects are incredibly annoying. Cheated like there was no tomorrow. (I'm reasonably sure the teacher knows and she just doesn't want to fuck me over. Probably thinks I'm some troubled neurotic genius or something.)
Still only wrote a four. Knocked my grade down to 4,25.
I need to get it up to at least 4,5 by the end of the year so I have a better chance of getting into university.

Finally had extra lit classes today. We learned about the basics of sentence analysis. Though before we begun the teacher threatened to read aloud the letter I wrote in December about not having a chance at matura so I'm doing history instead.

>I urge you to reconsider! Nobody benefits from listening to a Victorian-style rant!
>Ernst, I'm not doing it if you hereby declare that what you've written is null and void

It was half serious and half-humorous on his part, but it hit me hard, really, even if he had good intentions. (As in, I shouldn't be pessimistic and think my abilities are insufficient to tackle the challenges ahead.)

Showed him my poem too. Told me it's typical of me.
Confidently written, playing with forms and styles, nice to read, but ultimately the message itself doesn't feel genuine.
Still, I think I'm going to try sending it in. I mean I fooled one literati so far!

Got home really late because I went to pick up my package. It's one of those books again where the introduction and the appendix forms the bulk of the volume. I think I might try reading it during the weekend. I mean, surely I can manage a 40 page long epic poem.

I brought a pair of trousers to the dry cleaner's, since I today found out it cannot be washed I turned down another trouser while shopping because it was listed that it can be dry cleaned only, bought the other one because there was no hint. I also brought two of my pullovers, but I only found out now that dry cleaner's cannot remove smell from sweat which is the problem with the one pullover, the other also has a stain. A pullover was 5€, the trouser 7,50€.
Shoot me, I buy fancy pullovers with "luxurious" garment, the only problem is the cleaning and washing, since you cannot tumble dry those and often times they need to be hand washed and dried flat, which causes a space problem.

I also started reading Seymour Chatmans book about narrative and structure. It takes on french structuralism but you don't need to know much about to grasp the essence of this book.
Chatman divides a narrative into story Events [actions, happenings] and Existents [Characters, Settings] and discourse Expression, How; structure of narrative transmission

>Story is the content of the narrative expression, while discourse is the form of that expression.

So the question is: What is narrative? Chatman then goes on to say what a narrative is by going the structuralist route. Basically break down a narrative into it's pieces and their working together to form the narrative as whole.

Might be of interest to you folks who like to read and write literature since it's a theory of what a narrative is, which means it can be turned into a tool and deepen the understanding how that thing you read is composed. It's examining the craftsmanship that is behind a (literary) narrative. You can find it on libgen!

my efforts at being more serious with art feel less like struggling to learn to draw and more like struggling with my mental retardation so I can push through to a mental state where I can draw.

it is so tiring. it feels like I spend most of my waking life in a state of mental deficiency, with short periods of clarity just to give me a taste and a glimpse of what I'm missing out on. just enough lucidity to make the return to depression all the more bitter.

Feels like my mind it going thru the meat grinder.

sitting in the uni library for several hours dealing with building a thesis on Bernhards Limeworks is like a becoming Konrad experience to a certain degree. Otherwise I have to juggle with building the BA thesis and another exam coming up, ontop of that my suicidal alcoholic friend sents me messages I can not deal with because my head is already full as fuck with mind boggling shit

>>37196
imageboard people are oftentimes meta people I think. Their life is going on in a meta level mostly. Instead of doing they think about doing.

>>37205
I think Jack "Econifucius" Ma has it nailed down.

>they think more than a university professor and do less than a blind men

gets me everytime

But I guess, Brick, that the obstacles you meet are results of other areas in your life.

>Wake up
>Fuckton of notifications on the phone

Well, apparently the midterms ended and I got my grades for this half of the school year.
Jolly good grades, if I says so myself.

>Attend 1 (one) lifestyle class during the entire semester
>Still get the best possible grade

Devilish, innit? Things like these make me feel like I'm a demigod and a true master of my own fate.
The only things I fucked up were Mathematics and Biology.
It feels so weird that only a few months and HS is over.
A few days ago, I was reading a biography of Babits, and it stated, that "During highschool he translated two cycles of Heine-poems", and that made me a bit sad. "Did I do anything that worthwhile during the past few years?"
Then I remembered, that while I haven't translated much poetry, I still at least gave my homeland a novel-translation.
Kinda makes me feel melancholic.

Completed some translation-work today, you can check the results in the literature thread.

Did some cleaning today because my room was getting disorderly again with all the papers and textbooks lying around.
Not really in the mood to read anything, Babits's account of European Literature becomes kind of a slog by the end of the first part (Titled From Homer to 1760), simply because the author has such a burning passion for Latin and Greek literature that in comparison, it feels like as if he was disinterested in the literature of the enlightenment and things coming after that. (Though personally, I'm not the biggest fan of enlightenment literature myself. It has this aura of smugness without having anything to show for it really. Pedantic oh I'm so clever hair splitting. Voltaire is fun at times, but that's about as much as I take of his shit.)
Maybe it gets better once romanticism rolls around. I stopped at the chapter about Weimar Classicism.

Tomorrow I'm going to study for classes. Maybe try reading Sátántangó* or *Godless Youth.

>>37205
I like the term "meta people".
I see myself as a meta person as well but as a meta person that succeded to dive into life. Now I feel that my meta skills make me stand out and excel in my particular field.
It's only necessary to channel your energies into the right direction and possessing the right mix between cold calculation, will to power and the boldness to dream. And last but most important - the ability to act.
Greatness is hidden among us, in every singe heart dwelling on this site.

>>37205
I've come to look down on such things, to be honest. Mostly because I've become that myself. Being "about" something instead of being that. Caring about art instead of practicing art, talking about philosophy rather than rigorously studying it, etc. I also have a negative opinion on professional journalists and critics. They're like failed writers and artists to me. Opinions are cheap.

>>37208
Such a psychology is probably something you develop as a result of being poor. I think this comes back to the "third world mentality" thing we talked about with USernst. Now that I think about it, it could probably be reformulated as "survival mode" vs "growth mode". People in survival mode do a lot of irrational and counter productive things because they've internally given up on achieving something, and are instead focused on hanging on for as long as possible. Which results in low risk, small minded, petty behavior.

>>37239
I think that artists do the about thing as well. Becoming an artist must go together with obsession. I only remember how I did electronic music, I had phases when I was sitting 8h infront of the computer, doing just music, nearly everyday, weeks and months. In 5 years I spent a big part of my weekly time infront of the computer making music. In the end what was stopping me besides a healthier mind was the missing technique. I was an autodidact and at some point you have to acknowledge you really need the theory (meta stuff) and the additional practices that follows learning theory, to really get better and make more substantial tracks. Without a thorough meta chunk, there is no substantial art I think. Some artist might do it all intuitively Aristotle write the poetics just as an example how far into history we can go for meta things but by now I think that the figure of the "Künstlergenie/ artist as genius" is a hoax and most great artists spent a lot thinking about their art. Nonetheless they find many many moments to practice their art and actually came up with results. And I think doing it like that takes a manic energy.

People like professors and journalists do something in the end, they write down things which is not so easy, like novelists they are trained writers tho and I wouldn't say their impact is small. The triangle between academia, media and politics exists. It's not art, ofc.

>People in survival mode do a lot of irrational and counter productive things because they've internally given up on achieving something, and are instead focused on hanging on for as long as possible. Which results in low risk, small minded, petty behavior.

Might be. Risk the last bits you have is not a particular promising outlook. What would you risk by becoming an artists? Failing by doing so and I guess that is what holds most people back, the anxiety to fail and be not what you wanted to be. I'm not sure if this all boils down to being poor. Surely, being poor cuts down massively on opportunities and psychological issues are different than for middle class people. But I think you could make art even with little money.

>>37241
I have nothing against being a theoretical buff, but it's when the amount of theory absorbed is disproportionate to the creative output when I get a feeling of distaste. There's something dishonest about a person who talks more than he does. Like he's pretending to be something he's not. I think knowing a lot of stuff gives one a false sense of expertise that is in reality useless, because it has never been applied. It creates a parallel reality of truisms, in which a person can spend their whole lives.
But I don't know, perhaps I'm just projecting my schizoid issues. I've had this experience of becoming lost in my own thoughts and losing touch with reality, and how comforting and enticing it is to live in an imaginary world of no consequences. So I'm always afraid of falling back into that trap.

>Might be. Risk the last bits you have is not a particular promising outlook. What would you risk by becoming an artists? Failing by doing so and I guess that is what holds most people back, the anxiety to fail and be not what you wanted to be. I'm not sure if this all boils down to being poor. Surely, being poor cuts down massively on opportunities and psychological issues are different than for middle class people. But I think you could make art even with little money.

That's the thing, I think poorfag mentality is not a rational assessment of a particular situation, but a general learned behavior pattern that gets subconsciously applied to everything. Risk aversion even when objectively there is no risk.
In my own case, it's how disproportionally bitter the setbacks in my art development feel. Even if those setbacks are a normal part of development of any skill, like hitting plateaus. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I am putting my hopes on making a career in art, and using it to overcome my humiliating conditions. Even if I don't outwardly admit it, I am desperate to be "good" at art. And when that goal gets set back, the disappointment is stronger than if it were just a hobby or didn't have a personal significance as a "ticket out".

But I didn't want this discussion to be about me tbh.

This is going to be such a nightmare trying to move. I knew it was going to be a nightmare too but now I'm finally down to a week to go and I still haven't packed anything, still haven't generated any lists on what I need to buy immediately, still don't have any furniture, still don't have a gameplan. What probably makes it harder is I don't have any friends to help me move here and I'm not making enough money that I can afford to hire movers willy nilly which I already expect to cost me hundreds of dollars doing it at least twice, because I've first got to move shit into the new apartment and get my fish tanks set up, and then I've got to come back and move anything left along with the fish themselves and old fish tanks. I still do not yet have a gameplan for this.

Honestly the biggest thing making it so much harder is my damn fish. If I even just had one little 10 gallon it wouldnt be such a problem, but I've now got a ton of fish to move in late winter which means I have to have a gameplan for how to move them and have them set up there so I can get them pretty much immediately from transport containers into the new tanks. What's also stopping me now is needing new furniture. I'm not sure if it would cost the fuck out of my wallet in just saying fuck it and buying a bunch of lumber and power tools but quite frankly even then I don't really trust myself not to fuck anything up in a way that I won't discover until a month later when 40 gallons of water comes crashing down. I luckily at least still have enough of a buffer that even if God forbid I didn't have a job next week I can deal with not worrying about rent until April, but would still end up struggling with bills, moving fees, and all that new shit I'm going to have to buy.

I think that first thing I'm going to have to do is apply for food stamps. That alone could take massive amounts of pressure of me so I at least don't have to worry about food and being able to eat while doing all this.

>>37241
A lot of those of us in survival mode being told "just follow your dreams!" have already taken plenty of risks by their early thirties and forties and already become highly risk averse as a result. You can't just ask somebody to take a serious gamble on being homeless and losing all their shit on something that frankly is rather petty itself. You might not see it that way, but to all of us if it's like trying to become an artist or an actor, then that's a massively petty thing to bet everything on.

The problem is some people have a larger buyin, let's put it that way. When the ante itself (rent, bills, food etc.) then just hanging on is already taking a fairly massive gamble you yourself probably wouldnt even consider. "You've got pocket tens why would you fold that?" Well, if say the ante is $10, and you've only got $60-100 buy in, then it's very easy getting bullied out of betting by somebody who has a stack of $10,000 worth of chips. To him a normal bet, just one normal raise, is what would force you to go all in. It forces the rest of us to play very conservatively rather than us getting busted immediately, which does happen, and which I'm sure every poor person has seen happened to themselves and those around them.

So in other words brick is right. It vastly changes what you can do to the extent of completely changing your entire playstyle because you simply are unable to take the same strategies available to anyone else, and then it's even more frustrating when these jackasses watch that once in a rare blue moon player who goes all in risking everything on multiple hands in a row and now suddenly has $1000 in chips to play with and they're all "why can't you just do what he did" while ignoring the dozens and dozens of players who've already all been busted trying that exact same thing. It's also part of what fuels crime in poor people when you're like "do whatever you have to do to get ahead we won't respect you until you have money" which is probably part of why we have this really sick and disgusting gangster culture and glorification of organized crime, because these are the visible ones and those rare players who aren't dead or serving life prison terms yet and got rich in the process but we don't really pay attention to the fact for every one successful gangster there's 20 buried in concrete foundations or rotting in jail now do we? But that's how it goes.

It really speaks more to the fundamental problems of class in society too, particularly the American version. Like here it doesn't actually matter if you're a rapper and a gangster, a drug kingpin and a mobster, or if you're a legitimate businessman, or tech "genius" aka some guy who had a big buy in and got lucky while being a ruthless cuntish piece of shit like Zuckerberg and Jobs, or even just some trust fund kid who did fucking nothing useful with himself at all but managed to pay enough people to shuffle paper around for him in the stock market rackets that his investments got him rich, or the extremely rare blue collar worker who somehow started a small business and got into a comfortable life without his corporate competitors busting him first. Success is rewarded here and the only real metric of that is money. This makes people like Notch and pewdiepie part of that elite if they felt like it along with actors and all manner of entirely useless people while a lot of our academics, scholars, and scientists are driving beat up used cars. So you can have all manner of utterly useless twats mixing in with literal criminals in the "let's look down on them for being lowbrow and associating with lower class people" sense like mobsters and the other literal criminals in the "if it's white collar it isn't really crime especially if you don't get caught paying people off doing 'real' crime" sense.

Idk I'm just really jaded and cynical about my society at this point. If it were truly meritocratic I probably wouldnt have as big a problem with this but it really isn't and every day looks more like a higher tech version of feudal society structures. The one nice thing about the internet is it does at least help circumvent all the Jewish gatekeepers like the recording industry and publishing for example.

Today I decided to tackle my disorderly bookstacks.
I'm gonna bring 3 books to the library back, and I'm going to give one away, because I have two copies of King Lear.
At this point I'd say I have a small personal library at home.

I kinda feel tired now, and I really don't want to do anything. Maybe I'm going to drink some tea, write or read something, and then go to bed early.

Tomorrow will be a short day, so when I come home, I'm gonna rework my translations a bit.

Got squirrels in the attic of the fourplex.
This has been a problem since sometime in the Spring. That is, soft ticks and bottle flies appearing in the apartment, and oddly loud sounds emanating from the ceiling.
Because of the difficulty of getting into the attic (need to get a custom ladder to do it safely), I let my previous landlord take pictures of the attics as proof of having been up there, while I was on vacation. I assumed that if he found signs of squirrels he would've acted, but it turns out he was securing a sale of the apartment at the same time, so it may have not been in his interest. He told me there was no signs of squirrels and get a new spray on insecticide on the interior.

Recently, the noises above had started again, and have become so bad that I finally decided to borrow a ladder and go up there myself. The attached pictures should explain the rest.
Hopefully me and my new landlords can find a mutually beneficial standing on this manner.

>>37248
I do appreciate your take on things, although I have nothing directly to comment on it.

>>37248
I never said follow your dreams or plainly that anxiety is just holding you back to make a dream come true. The risk of failing as an artist can be big depending on what you want to understand of being an artist. Many artists, the local people here or regional ones etc, not internationally known, can have richer or middle class parents which is ofc a kind of insurance. But afaik many of them live precarious lifes, making commissional work and/or have side jobs to subsidize their being as an artist. They are pretty much fucked if nobody needs their works of art or their skills as an artist. What's left is getting a minium wage job or if you had other education to let go of your artistry and live a wageslave job like everybody else, perhaps occassionally doing art.
Perhaps many artists participate in diffrent communities and cirlces where you help each other out, perhaps they find ways to live a precarious life. Some people don't have that, don't know how to "play" the system and get assfucked hard, because they did not find the niche the system produces on the side. It's a matter of opportunities to an extent and these are not evenly distributed but oftentimes unfair and ofc in last instance unknown.

But anyway, if you can have food and a roof and still have time left for art, than it can be done, depending on what you want to reach. Do you want to be known worldwide or is it ok to participate in the Almighty art scene.

>>37246

>There's something dishonest about a person who talks more than he does. Like he's pretending to be something he's not

If somebody talks about art and how he/she is an artist on end but never do create anything that can be called art, than yeah that person is not an artist. That does not exclude tho that artists need to think about art a lot and what they are actually doing and want to do.
An Art history professor is not an artist. It's art analysis, sense making and shaping discourse, that can have an impact or not on something.
Talking/thinking/writing are doings, just like an artist or smith does things. The results are different and you can debate their necessity, but in a heavily differentiated society the divide between people who use their heada to produce something and people who use their hands is a bit dated imo. I'm not a friend of authenticity. I know that feel nonetheless.

I'm reading theory a lot and I often have the feeling of losing touch and being more in another universe but in the end these universes of theory and RL are not separate as they might seem, they are inextricable. Immanence.

>Even if those setbacks are a normal part of development of any skill, like hitting plateaus. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I am putting my hopes on making a career in art, and using it to overcome my humiliating conditions. Even if I don't outwardly admit it, I am desperate to be "good" at art. And when that goal gets set back, the disappointment is stronger than if it were just a hobby or didn't have a personal significance as a "ticket out".

I understand that... getting somewhere.
More or less gave up making music, which is quite sad. I had the same feeling oftentimes at failing, just like now I fear failing writing academic texts or theory fictions, my last dreams of "artistry". It can hit hard when you see what others are doing in comparison. I guess persistence and opportunity are key. Needless to say that your psychological and social-economic situation are obstacles to meet on that way which others can not relate since they don't have an alcoholic father e.g.

>>37253
Sorry, I meant Almaty* ofc.

What I also forgot:

Jack Ma posting was not so much about economic status but about waiting.
When you have the time and opportunity to do art meaning despite the usual struggles you have time but hesitate because you think you will only do shitty works of art or you will fail anyway because it won't be like what you have in your head or as great as art from other opeople you admire than that needs to be overcome. Any artist knows failure but he won't wait until the day he will finally do his masterpiece from scratch and doing nothing before that because it's not the one. That is why I despise the cult of genius artistry.

>>37251
I think I accidentally a word or fucked up that sentence somehow but I no longer even understand how I fucked it up.

>if you have a tiny buy in like $60-100 and even the ante itself is a tiny $10 then you simply paying the ante itself is taking a considerable gamble

I'm pretty sure you understand what I meant so w/e.

The thing is is that poker itself has indirectly and simplistically taught me a ton of things about why a system such as unchecked Capitalism is always going to be doomed to fail and wind up in exactly the same retarded places, because first of all the very mathematical nature of the game is such that wealth is always going to end up being concentrated in a few player's hands. Moreover I came to realize that if say I'm playing a game with 8-10 players, then it's actually in my interests to bust as many of these players as possible and to encourage them all to take as many reckless gambles as possible. It is as massively anti competition and anti free market as possible in the end regardless of how the free market starts out, albeit with a big difference being the market is not a zero sum game. Still, I would usually go out of my way to encourage as much reckless behavior as possible. This was because having many players introduced too much of a chaos factor into my play and made it much harder for me to realistically anticipate and calculate things so simply encouraging the concentration of chips into the hands of three or four players is directly in my own interests. By that time I'd already have gotten a pretty good read and people and how there's fewer competitors for me to concentrate on.

I'm not explaining it well but basically you can use game theory to explain why turbo Capitalism is really not a great idea for anything other than creating a small enough elite that we eventually revert into monarchical systems, at which point all the wealthy elites just keep passing it down to their kids until it reaches a point where its in their own interests to destroy any chance at upward mobility and remain a separate caste entirely suspended above the system and hovering over their own laws of which all are made for their interests and largely do not apply to themselves. I think we pretty much see this today where you can basically murder a kid drunk driving or rape a toddler and completely get away with it if you're part of that caste, and if you're not and you steal a candy bar when youre 10 then you're already getting railroaded into the prison industry. Idk. Like I said I've just been getting increasingly jaded the last few months and came to realize all this time I've been voting libertarian that I really don't even support their core plank anymore. You really only need a cursory understanding of game theory to become disillusioned and understand that even when you have a small group of "competitors" how easy it is for them to just form their own cabal and start price fixing because it is directly in their own collective interests not to begin undercutting each other or starting price wars.

The thing is I also wonder at the same time whether it's a matter of collusion or just human nature that you always seem to wind up with like two different sides, and only exactly two. Out of all those console wars, out of all the PC wars, all we ended up with was nVidia versus AMD, Apple versus Windows, Android versus iShit, and now seemingly just XBOX versus Playstation with as far as I'm aware Nintendo being increasingly irrelevant to everything except handhelds and gimmicks, or of even America versus Russia and now seemingly a single polar world becoming multipolar before settling back into bipolar America versus China.

I often would think surely this has to be the doings of the Illuminati or whoever but is this really just the confluence of human nature within a game theory set? I mean, in a thing like Republican versus Democrat that itself is pretty much directly built into the system but even in the seemingly much superior parliamentary systems it still pretty just ended up in one similarly leaning coalition versus another. It could help to explain why so many wildly unrelated things all often seemingly end up breaking down into two sides who are barely even dissimilar to one another and are basically the same thing so far as outsiders are concerned, like Catholicism versus Protestantism, Hinduism splitting into Buddhism and then thr Buddhists splitting into Theravada and Mahayana, or Shiite m8s and Sunni.

So my question is, wherefrom do we get such a thing? Is this really just an example of the mathematical and seemingly simulation indicative nature of the structure of reality itself? Are we always going to be doomed with a unipolar model finally having disenfranchisement within, proceeded by multipolar chaos before almost immediately reverting into a bipolar model as everyone bunches up and picks sides? Is this just as inevitable as trying to find the positive and negative charge within atoms?

Perhaps I'm just overthinking this but it increasingly just seems to me that the libertarian economic model is doomed to exactly the same kind of wishful thinking and utopian dreams as Communism. On a fundamental level I guess what I'd actually at least hope for is banking more on the favorable spread, which is largely the premise of democratic systems which itself is largely banking on the flawed premise that however terrible people are they at least are not fundamentally stupid and evil on the whole; so likewise, does having any type of economics essentially bank on trying to artificially sustain as large of an economic spread as possible so that no one player or unitary force can be holding all the cards above everybody else and thus ensuring that they cannot sustain their abuses against us when we're finally dealt a bad hand and get a super shitty, incompetent, and malicious leader rather than a good and benevolent one. I guess I'd view it the same way as with genetics, where what you're really doing in crop diversification is just trying to beat the spread rather than banking it all on one hand where no matter how seemingly solid the bet, any time a horrible disease or disaster couldve struck and wiped out your whole population. I similarly am deeply concerned about us only having one planet for exactly that reason--it's a fucking terrible bet and we should make sure to have at least one other habitable world immediately, preferably far enough away to also be insulated from gamma ray bursts.

article not really related but pretty funny to find while looking for a spede
https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14946-never-gamble-with-an-autistic-opponent/

>>37135

>Just ask her again

Guess I'll have to, I even picked up some extra shifts that ended up being super tedious in the hopes of seeing her again but as it turns out I'll probably have to ask her by text. Feels weird since I'll have to pick out her nr. from the work group chat. But I suppose there's just no other way, though I'm not quite sure yet what I should write. I'm tempted to write something romantic but probably I shouldn't reveal too much and just ask her casually.

>>37143

>pic

Lol, though I'd unironically agree that it's a perfectly valid definition

>>37204
Noice song, hope you're able to clear your head.

Yesterday night I decided to write some poetry again, and I managed to write a fragment and a larger poem.
This time I decided to use Dante's poetic form, the terza rima.
The fragment remains unnamed, and is the better of the two, but the poem I decided to call Café Parnassos, as it features great authors and poets of world literature sitting at a table. Basically the poem says "I want to be part of this great dialogue too". It's 3 verses long, and has a couplet closing it, to make it fit the traditional Italian style.

What I noticed is that whenever I sit down to write a poem, it's like as if I have a transcendent, idyllic episode.
Writing this poem was the kind of amazing wish-fulfillment self-insert fantasy that I never got from anything else I watched or read. Whilst writing about wishing to be on Mound Parnassos, I actually flew there.

Today was very short, because the teachers will gather later today to finalise the grades for the semester. (Matters fuck all, but there's no stop on the bureaucracy train.)

Got a book from my history teacher today. It's a collection of essays, contemporary and then-contemporary about the life and works of Mihály Babits.
Read a few on the way home, and it's really interesting to read contemporary hostile accounts of a poet who has since been deified and entered into the national canon.
Also wasted a bit of money on the way home and I bought a copy of Nikos Kazantzakis's book, Zorba the Greek.

Got rid of that copy of King Lear by dropping it off at the buffet's book bin. Maybe someone else will get some use of it. Still, it's only one book, and if we're being realistic, I'm actually closing today with the net gain of one book.

My only problem right now is that I'm feeling kind of sleepy, even after a coffee. A second might help.

>>37271

>just ask her casually.

Yes. Save the romance for when it's adequate.

And there is nothing strange about picking her number from the work group chat. You wanted to reach out to her because you wanted to ask something and there is no way to do it personally.
I found out my ex gfs name over uni intern class lists or her written protocol for that class we shared. I don't actually know anymore, the important thing is: I just exchanged a few banal words with her in class and still searched for her on Facebook and wrote her, if she is interested she won't care how you managed to get her contact info. Besides everybody has become a "creepy" stalker thanks to social media

>Noice song, hope you're able to clear your head.

It's a bit more tame now https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BsOlzkPkKM is rotating on the laptop now :DDDDD, also very cool that the German Ernst reminded me with the OST radio shows that I need to watch more giallo. The song is one I haven't heard for a long time, but it's perfect for situations like that.

>>37283
Thanks a lot for the advice, I've been unable to think straight and composing the message for what feels like the whole day but that gave me the impulse to trim it down. After hesitating for another 15 minutes or so, sent it off now, for better or worse! Still feeling a bit shaky, haha
Btw the play she liked was sold out, so I asked her to join me for a 5 hour long adaptation of a Sorokin novel instead, maybe I'm just retarded after all :DDDD

>Steel Grave - Knights of the Night

This is a bit too much adrenaline for my feeble heart right now :D
But re Giallo OSTs, I really like this one (though haven't even seen the movie): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dep0Y6gLSok
Similar to Goblin who did a bunch of Argento soundtracks

I had a discussion this afternoon over text with one of my roommates, and I felt as thought I'd come off a bit rude. He happened to be downstairs when I got home, so I took the opportunity to apologize for being rude, and explained that I've been withdrawing from cigarettes (17 days clean woooo) and I'm still getting set off over small things, and it's not an excuse but yes it is, if I've seemed nasty at all the past couple weeks then that is likely why, etc. He replies, I didn't think you came off as rude today, and the only time I thought you were a little rude in the timeframe you described was about the fan thing.

The fan thing: The house we rent has central air, but it heats our rooms very unevenly - with the thermostat set to 18, one roommate's room was 23, while my room was 15 - so we were trying different ideas (blocking off various vents, etc) to try and address this. I suggested at one point that we should try leaving the HVAC fan on all the time, and the second roommate shot the idea down, saying he associates fans with cold... so I took the opportunity to explain that fans do not cool air down, and I was sort of emphatic about it. Turns out that the air cooled down too much while passing through the basement anyway so leaving the fan on was not a successful idea. Anyway, quotes incoming to prevent a wall of text

me: yeah I'm sorry, [roommate 2] was under the impression that fans cool air down, so I felt the need to correct him and I guess I was a bit rude about it

>roommate 1: hey if it was just from you quitting cigs then no worries, we don't need to talk about fans again. I don't agree though

me: [speechless for a couple seconds] ummm well fans do NOT cool down the air, actually they warm it up a little due to friction in the motor and air, any cooling you feel is evaporative cooling if it's blowing on you, but fans don't cool the air down

>yeah, I don't agree with anything you just said short chuckle

me: uh- bu- o-okay, fair enough, well anyway... okay

So, today I learned that the knowledge that fans don't cool air down is not as common as I thought it was, and I discovered that you can simply choose to disagree with basic physics. I also had an opportunity to practice leaving a topic of discussion alone, instead of beating it to death.

>>37285

> I really like this one (though haven't even seen the movie

You know Italians really are quite professional when it comes to music making in postwar era. I mean they did not "invent" any of the music, not the country of origin for disco funk etc. But they professionalized on all of these. I remember a time when I went thru youtube videos with the OST of italian crime and whatever other movies they did with beautiful women, hollywood stories etc., soul, funk you name it, they did it all as italians japanese have sames for funk and jazz as far as I could take a look. Disco in Europe was often produced by Italians, later they made Italo disco and even Italo house around the early 90s and really they did take house from the US to another level. also the track is nice is what I wanted to say as well

>Go to the GP to get a prescription
>10 minutes early
>Already 15 old farts sitting in the anteroom
>Put my hat back on and go home

I don't know what I expected. Guess it's time to try that national e-prescription system.
Though at least I bought a packet of ink cartridges for my pen on the way home, so that's a plus.

I had three espressos today, and I'm still on the verge of falling asleep for some God-forsaken reason.
Despite this I made good progress and read through a bunch of essays and articles from a book.

During one of my empty periods I helped a girl prepare for a grammar test. She said she had trouble formulating definitions when asked on a test. (As in, e.g. "Define what slang/communication/language/code means")
The common approach by teachers is to say "It's common sense", but I told her to forget common sense and roleplay a bit instead.
"Imagine you're writing an entry for a dictionary. Your goal is to write a sentence that can explain a term to even a layman."
This apparently helped her.

I really wish this week was over already. I need a good sleep.

I came across tiktok compilation videos in youtube.

They are perfect for doing nothing and turning your brain off. The frequent citation like with any meme makes it a pinnacle of postmodern culture. I oftentimes can "relate" even tho in the end there is a distance to it that cannot be denied. In some cases I I'm more than 10 years older than these people. Still I give them credit for their everyday creativity it has nothing to do with art born out of saturated boredom and fast telecommunication devices. The music played is also odd to me, yet fits perfectly. I don't engage in that cultural practice like these people do, in the end I feel foreign and a bit sad that my youth is definitely over, yet the fuck it's sedimentation and parallel sprawling: Any minute you can easily related with an 18 years old problems, since you have gone thru that phase not everyone's phase is equal but the similarities do it, structures make it possible, on the other hand you can behave like a teenage dickhead, or be stubborn like a child. The teenage problems of actually realizing how depressive and absurd the world is never goes away, it only multiplied, yet the perspective I take is different. There is the years of experience you have in advance to them, which make the distance again.

I wish healthy adults would stop panicking about 2019-nCoV as if it isn’t just a shittier SARS

>>37320
Most people aren't panicking enough and I think you entirely fail to appreciate the cascade effects this thing can have by turning into a full blown pandemic. We're talking massive amounts of economic disruption, completely clogged healthcare systems, large scale societal disruption if and when it begins catching on more fully. I think that the other really big thing fueling our deepest concerns is the fact that China is not known for being transparent and the fact that it just locked down multiple cities and regions in a way that would make absolutely no sense unless it was massively worse than what we're being told. So, yeah, even if at worst it kills one out of every 25 people, if it manages to spread enough to infect millions of people globally that's still a lot of dead people and a lot of disruption. Already the markets dipped because of this. The other thing I think you're failing to appreciate is if it mutates further, though regardless if it stays just as with present lethality the news has only gotten worse and worse every day.
t. Armchair epidemiologist
it should also be noted that many people in healthcare actually are extremely worried about this one and aren't making a big deal of voicing that because anyone in healthcare understands that sometimes starting a panic can do more damage than any disease.

I feel completely mentally fucked at the moment, like not being able to think straight for a minute.
I would need a few weeks off in a monastery or something.
While things in my life seem to go up externally I internally go down more and more. I'm often panicking and the moment and loneliness is killing me but as it seems I'm to instable to bond with a woman or girl properly.
I don't understand things anymore.

To conclude the saga from >>37285, I basically got turned down.
The exchange went like this (personal information redacted):

>Me: Hey [Ophelia], [Hamlet] here. I was planning to see [5 hr long avant garde adaptation of Russian scifi novel trilogy] on Saturday, you want to join me? It's probably not quite as funny as [slapstick comedy play you talked about], but that's sold out already :P
>Her: I'm working on Saturday,that's why I can't come
>Me: Ok then, too bad :)
>Her: Mb another time

It actually cracked me up for some reason how her writing sounded completely different from how she talks. In fact it sounded so cold, I probably won't bother to write her again.
But tbh, I don't feel bad about it at all, rather almost euphoric. Now I don't have to carry any unnecessary regrets and can finally think clearly.

>>37306
Yeah I wonder why they were so prolific, there's also lots of awesome Italian movies/directors from that post-war era and I feel like they're somewhat under the radar currently. Though nowadays Italy seems to be even worse off than Germany culturally.

>>37323
Don't forget to take care of yourself, maybe go on a nice walk or take some time out otherwise?

>>37306
Italian ska is also pretty deece top ebin. Los Fastidios are probably the best known, but there is a surprisingly large scene.

https://youtu.be/rjX3rlDopKcm

>>37323

>While things in my life seem to go up externally I internally go down more and more. I'm often panicking and the moment and loneliness is killing me

Same for me. Tho I guess if I would just take some chances, something would work. People get into bad/mediocre relationships all the time, that's why I say the second sentence contains a grain of truth.

>>37324
Well, work is a reason. Perhaps the coldness is intentional to make something clear, perhaps that is just the way she writes. Anyway, better carry on than circle around that stuff. If she wants to "hang out", I guess she will hint again. If not, you were carrying on already.

>>37324

>Though nowadays Italy seems to be even worse off than Germany culturally.

Yeah, wondering were that talent went. Perhaps a postwar anomaly. Today they could professionalize in fringy lowbudget US rap. But perhaps that is the thing: the whole 'industry' changed.

>>37325
Not a fan of Ska ;) but I also know that goa trance / progressive psy and full on and all that stuff is quite known and partied to there.

>>37334
Italy is a very strange place. They seem trapped in a time bubble at times, one where the disco was not entirely ousted by the nightclub. It's kind of ebin but also falls pretty heavily into my uncanny valley.

Today I went to Germany to eat McRibs.
Maybe it wasn't that worth.

>>37324
>>37334
When did Italy's birthrate first drop? There are very few culturally vibrant countries that are only full of old people.

Although I must say that all of Europe is rather disappointing in terms of cultural output. My window on the continent is somewhat limited as a monolingual English speaker, but truly great works tend to be translated, especially if they occur in a major European language. But in the last 20 years, I think Japan - or even Korea (without including k-pop or soap operas) - have produced more quality cultural material than the entirety of Europe combined. And I don't think that is the result of personal bias - I was a Euroboo and conscious anti-weeb for most of that time, but I still ended up consuming more media from Asia than from Europe, and being more moved by it.

Europe is just spiritually dead. In Japan and Korea, even if society is worse off in most ways, the souls of creative people haven't been sapped of all life. How the hell is Houellebecq the most famous modern French artist, in any medium? He might even be the most famous in all of Europe, but all he can do is talk about how his country is dead and dying.

>>37340
What comes to you via (international, translation based) market is not an adequate representation of (European) cultural output. I'm not looking into the current art, literature or cine scene so much. But I guess you can find good stuff. We had talked about the dispersion of culture in the last thread, simultaneously we live in a globalized world, where culture can be spread fast, tho I guess you could argue for hybrid cultures, translation of cultural elements and products into another, so globalization might not simply be the big leveler.

Also if we reverse your age argument, Africa and the middle east must be culturally at maximum boiling point. And perhaps many interesting things are happening there but it's not on our radar, because the market is only semi interested, while Japanese novels are making a run noticed it as well

Another day's over I guess. Nothing really worthwhile happened. I submitted some document for the upcoming exams, just the usual stuff that's required when it's administered officially by the state.
The hardest part was actually having to word an official document where I "declare" which exams at which level I wish to take. I only have to do three exams instead of the usual five.
I jokingly proclaimed

>Thousands of losers will take 5 exams this semester!

Like as if I were hosting the news.

Got asked by the vice-principal today to tell her how to say "vice-principal" in English, because she asked an English teacher, but that didn't turn out too well because they said "deputy head of institute" and that didn't feel right for her.
Is there not at least a "the" missing from that. Or am I just being stupid?
The whole problem was that it had to be British.
Not like it matters, I just looked it up in my dictionary when I came home and wrote an e-mail about it.
It feels like that English teachers truly go head to head with PE teachers in the race to win the title of Biggest idiots in education.
But who knows, maybe I'm the idiot and I don't even know it.

When I got home, I noticed that I lost my keys, so I had to spend some time at grandma's instead. Helped her bring in some firewood and listened to her woes. Also looked through her bookshelf to pass the time.
Just the usual low-end Hungarian classics, some no-name authors and weirdly enough one volume of Sholohov's Quiet flows the Don for some reason.
She's worried about the virus epidemic and my father's business trips.

Thankfully one of my classmates found my keyring. I left it in the lock of the locker's door for some reason.

I finally don't feel as tired as in the past two days, and I only had one shot of espresso today.
I wanted to power through this volume of essays, but I decided to skip a few pages, because there is not much point in reading contemporary critiques and reviews of works that I haven't read yet.

>>37340
Europe is not dead. She's asleep. In a coma of sorts after the shock that the 20th century was. But she'll wake up, eventually.
Art requires struggle and a goal. Even if we have struggles, we lack ideas and ideals. There is not a new Napoleon to die for or against.
Everything has become petty and marketable. But it's not permanent. It can't be.

>Korea

No

>>37339
No McRibs in Austria or what?

>>37345

>Also if we reverse your age argument, Africa and the middle east must be culturally at maximum boiling point.

Youth isn't everything, though it helps a lot. Can't really say it applies to Japan or Korea though. In Korea at least, there's the sense of the country finally coming into its own, because just in the 1980s it was still a poor dictatorship.

Japan is just aging with grace. The culture retains enough normality and self-confidence for its great minds to be productive during the decline. It suffers from the generic diseases of modernity, and to a terrible extent, but it's escaped the weird and specific plagues infecting the West.

>>37350

>Europe is not dead. She's asleep. In a coma of sorts after the shock that the 20th century was. But she'll wake up, eventually.

But what world will she wake up into? And will she be the same person? Western Europe may very well become Muslim, and huge swathes of the east have emptied out their youth in a mass migration to the West, and this along with plummeting birth rates at home.

From what I know, Hungary doesn't have either problem. But who knows what awaits Europe at large in the future.

>>37357
Tbh I don't see how our current cultural poverty is saved by going back to what has been. Because that would be bad imitation for imitations sake, a comical mimesis from a certain POV and basically the postmodern craze for the past is an indicator for that "decline". The real decline is the yearning for the past. Instead of going novel ways, to invent and actualize unforeseen art, that bursts with affective potential, you have to let go of what has been. Stasis and death are not linked without reason. I don't want to read another text that wants to imitate in detail Joyce, Kafka or whoever. If these classics are written out of a certain time, than the sociality Sozialität, Gesellschaftlichkeit of that time is gone, because it's a super complex historical built that exist for the moment, history as singular fabric.
You have to get a grip on our current sociality like nobody has done so far. If Realism was better back then because the world was different, then you left the context in which to judge art and cultural production more or less I think.

>>37360
Something that needs to be answered in this context and which I can only say for Kafka because for him I know it: Nearly nobody knew him back when he was alive and wrote his books.
The same case might be true for other authors which are canonical in the present. This phenomena could very well be apply for our cultural production in the present as well.

>>37350
No McRibs.
Anyway, I wasn't impressed. Too much tomato sauce. TOO MUCH. As much as I like ribs, I couldn't taste them well enough.

>>37333
>>37324
Thanks to visiting a friend I regained a good part of my power. It will still take a fair share of time until I regenerate but the evening helped a lot. We cooked really tasty food together, actually she cooked most of it and I mostly talked like a waterfall. Really healing. Usually I only see her once a month at max but it's always gold. Good to have such a friend.
And all of that though the day began and went so terrible - including me forgetting my bank card pin due to drinking and having a small mental breakdown due to the girl that seems to be my nemesis since a long time now (you surely remember her from my dishwasher days story arc).
she once again chatted me up and looked for help in me, just so my feelings quickly relived and she could once again get with someone else after I lost my shit towards her again. Yeah, all sounds highly toxic and I should stay I away. I know, vicious cycle etc.
Anyways this time I only lost two weeks of my life to her and it wasn't as bad and cruel as before, rather short and stinging.
Also set up a date with a cute eastern european girl from tinder (I didn't pursue the 18yo cause I really felt that we'd have nothing in commom and it would be terrible).
It will be my second IRL date (as in second girl I date, I met the first one quite often) so far and I'm quite relaxed about it. I let her choose the café we meet in because we met in her town and she decided to take me to a cat café, which is a pretty ebin pick because I actually always wanted to see one. Also just had a nice and comfy phone call with my brother for two hours.
It's insane how such a day could possibly end well, when in the afternoon I thought it's going to be the worat day of the year.
If I look back on the last two years, I definitely had worse januaries.

So, in phases of acute mental crisis it's a good thing to see a friend, do something nice and let your mind change perspectives a bit.

>>37360
I don't see what this has to do with my post at all. I implied nothing that you assume I implied.

>>37366
You know those aren't real ribs, right? It's formed meat product meant to vaguely resemble the taste of ribs.

>>37368

>You know those aren't real ribs, right? It's formed meat product meant to vaguely resemble the taste of ribs.

Well, I could guess, since it would be hard to eat real ribs between buns. But I had no idea what McRibs is.

There was a woman with a small child at the gym today. She was showing him various excercises, incuding kettlebell squats. Reminded me of these pics.

Nothing really happened today.
I've been checking that expensive copy of the Ancient Greek-Hungarian dictionary and the link wasn't leading anywhere, so I assumed my mother bought it after I told her I want it for my birthday.
And I get a phonecall

>Son, why isn't the link leading to a webpage

So it's fucked. It was the only available copy in the entire country.
I was so fucking livid that I went immediately to the kitchen and downed a shot of vodka.
What I've learn from the past 15 minutes is as follows

>You should never drink when your stomach is empty
>Getting angry over books is not worth it
>I should have gotten the ambition to study latin instead

It feels like as if I drank 2-3 shots.
But at least I'm not angry at all any more. Which is good.
Even found another copy on the web, and it costs half as much.
God is in his Heaven, all is right with the world.

>>37357

>From what I know, Hungary doesn't have either problem

Lolno. We have the worst ratio of elderly/retired to working population in Europe.
And to top it all off, ~300k people left to work in the wect. (This not only means that Hungary has brain-drain, but also that we have a shortage of low-level workers like tradesmen and workhands. On every level, our system is creaking and crushing because we have to support more entitled elderly with a smaller and smaller workforce.)

I was in contact today with people flown straight from China due to my job. Was nice knowing you Ernst.

>>37368
You wrote

>But what world will she wake up into? And will she be the same person?
>And will she be the same person?

Which sounded to me like Europe can only be culturally enriching by being in a stasis, everything stays the same. If that's not what you did imply, I'm sorry.

---

>come to uni at 8.30am
>come home at 6.30pm

Hurray. Besides lunch and a coffee I was just reading and learning for an exam.
To top that shit I had a couple sitting across me for 3h, which reminded me of being a sad lonely bean who can't manage to find another lonely bean to share intimacy with and be reminded that everything is less shit with someone on your side.

Found out that one bean of the new rationalism movement, springing from continental philosophy and fusing with analytic philosophy, regards humanity as artificial intelligence that is prehistory to another intelligence or the result of the self modified intelligence that we are, so basically humanity is just one step or form of an intelligence that is somehow associated with Hegels Geist or Geistigkeit , dunno exactly, since I don't know Hegel. Perhaps we are just a synthesis in a dialectic of artificial intelligence, at some point to vanish for the higher level/synthesis.

>>37377

>What I've learn from the past 15 minutes is as follows

There is also no need to drink alcohol over such happening

>>37367
Sounds good, it's nice when things flow rather smoothly.
t. knows alcoholics

>>37378
It has a 2-3% fatality rate m8.
Unless you're a child, a boomer or have some sort of disease that makes your immune system perform worse, you don't have much to fear.

>>37381
>>37377

>Lolno. We have the worst ratio of elderly/retired to working population in Europe.

I wonder how that happens. A hell of a lot more people in absolute and relative terms have fled from other post-commie countries.

Assuming this map is remotely accurate and the figures remain applicable to the present day, Finland and maybe Ireland look to be the only ones without much to worry about going into the future.

Neighbour twisted his ankle and had no access to food the whole day, so I brought him some. Dude gave me a bottle of whisky in exchange.
We shared a glass, wished him a fine evening,and then I went home.
When my mother came home, I shared a glass with her too. And then she started telling stores about ye olde days, my great-grandmother, my great-grandfather, her month long vacation in West Germany and so on.
It was absolutely magical. I'll tell you about the hangover tomorrow.

>>37388

>Wonder how that happens

1. General decline in birthrates since the early 80s.
2. Getting accepted into the EU and Schengen. People can go and earn more in Austria or Germany instead of working for peanuts here. This drains the workforce considerably. (Think about it: You're 25-26, you want to have some money to settle down with your partner, you speak a language moderately well, and you hate how everything is done through nepotism. The door is open to the West. What'll you do?)
3. Awful legislation. A lot of people retired early on disability pensions, taking them out of the workforce before their time, increasing the pensioner population.

>>37388
That is an unbelievably fucking retarded way of looking at it. People are going to places like France and Germany for a reason. Where would you rather live, Switzerland or Albania? Because if we're going by that metric +20 vs -36.

>>37377
Go get into a mosh, preferably something angry. You'll work all the rage out of your system and it'll cost less than a woman will.

>>37378
RIP. You should superspread for shits and gigs.

>>37391
First bit was meant for >>37379

Will sat again though, even if you just get up front and pogo you'll feel the wall of noize and get your friendly casual violence in. It gets better if you get into the middle of the pit and into the windmills and running men.

>>37390
It does little for Albania if there is a generation of young Albanians who are rich in Germany.

Maybe you get remittances for a few decades, but in a country with abysmal birth rates, it just means the country will get much older and less productive, much faster.

At an individual level, the young emigrees benefit. But it damages the integrity of both the sending and receiving nation, if the emigrees don't return home to raise families, and if they don't assimilate into their host country. The end result of this process, were it to play out across the entire world, would be the death of any kind of community beyond the immediate family, or perhaps at most the ethnic ghetto. The nation-state has proven to be the largest workable level of meaningful human cooperation. I'd rather live in a poorer but healthy and unified country than in a rich decadent proto-Brazil.

Just compare the US with Europe. We're the best case for their future. A big reason why we can't have nice things like universal healthcare and functioning public services is because of our heterogeneity (it doesn't help that part of that heterogeneity includes borderline third-world regional cultures, with a near-genetic aversion to public cooperation).

>>37380
>>37377
He downing shots sounds better than me downing vodka bottles over girls.
BUT then again IIRC Goethe said that a young poet should at least spend as much time getting into romances with young girls as he should spend with reading and writing. So go get the girls, hungary.

Today I continued working on my prose again after neglecting it for quite a while for my journalistic work. My writing group decided to all write genre for once, as there some fantasy writers (all girls) among us and we always bully them a bit for it. (I know looking down on genre writing is really cheap but it can also be fun)
Indeed it was a quite freeing experience to write a fantasy-themed short story and I'm quite hyped about the reactions and texts of the other non-genre writers.
Though it could also just be a story set in the 30 years' war or something, just with weird names and some trolls and dragons appearing.
Made me think about the point that writing actually decent (!) fantasy literature can be really hard.
Cause what do you do with such a used up genre? How do you deal with all the world building that's been done before you and that kinda forms the whole genre?
Do you ignore it? It is indeed a quite interesting topic. Considering that the masses are rather prone to reading fantasy than literary novels, I'd even consider writing something if it would pay off financially.
I even had the idea to experiment with the genre of romantic historical novels once, which are loved by middle-aged housewives and wallflower bookish girls.
You'd get a lot of cash if you adhere to the readers' expectations and your fanbase would be all female, doesn't sound too bad, does it?
But looking at some examples for this genre, it's worse than I expected and I probably couldn't really do it.
It's literally "smart and sensitive maiden is to be married with a dumb, ugly nobleman but then another highly intelligent and good looking nobleman comes to rescue and marry her instead".
But then again I could use this formula in a different way and have an idea for it.
God, if I only had enough time for all those fucking ideas.

>>37400
*downing shots over books

The perennial clicking sounds of the laptop keys and mouse from the user sitting in front of me reverberated throughout the entire library until it seemed to play in tandem with the ensemble cast of pianos and the plucking of an unidentifiable string instrument resonating out of my cheap earphones. To which such ignorance I mentally noted to re-familiarise with said instruments. Studio Ghibli music is truly heavenly, the composers are masters of their rare craft of guiding lost and disorientated souls from the brutal clutches of the ocean. Alas, my rickety ship - St. Myaló - has long since been swept by the expanse of the sea, for you see my mind was not on the music but my current situation. One that I dream of departing from yet simultaneously not wanting to raise a single finger to further my aspirations. A conundrum truly the greatest of men have pondered over;
Should I purchase Miso or Tonkotsu Ramen for dinner?

>>37393
I'd go to rave instead and stomp my brains out until I need a new spine/back. I sometimes turn on my monitors to a neighbor shaking volume and move a little bit to tracks like this, makes me feel good. And since I don't go out to techno parties anymore, it's the only way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_N-FYWQoGI

Also Prolekult is a funny label, on one side they listed the tracks on the other side you had pictures of people like Andreas Baader, Che, Rosa Luxmeburg or Malcom X.

This one is interesting, the (90s)London Acid Techno scene (Choci and others) is born out of punks/anarchy scene afaik

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfcE5E2MHKQ

But you know, when the (home) rave is over, the craving for a female mind-body comes back fast enough.

----

I bought Bernhards first novel today, won't read it though, hope to get my hands on his shorter stories, having around a hundred pages is a good read. I don't want to borrow them from the library.

>Wake up without a hangover on time
>Digitalise my poems
>Rework one of my translations
>In the process of reworking another

I feel really productive today.

My father returned from his trip to Ceylon today. He brought home riches from the orient. Basically now I have 600 grams of different teas.
The most exciting one is a box of Golden Tips tea, which is apparently a really treasured and expensive type of tea.

>>37400
I think the "problem" of a lot of fantasy writers is not the fact that they use pre-built topoi and panels, but rather they don't know why or how those panels and topoi came to be.
They grew up reading what other fantasy authors wrote, instead of reading what the great fantasy authors read.

So in a sense, you have the advantage over quasi-illiterate fantasy authors.
While I've read barely any fantasy, I think that taking in the influences of ancient epics, chivalric romances and historical accounts is what'd lead to a good fantasy story.
And passion of course. Can't forger passion and love.

People have been writing in the shadow of Tolkien for a good 60-70 years now about orcs and elves, though I don't think that writing the anti-Tolkien would be any good either. But thinking about it now, the anti-Tolkien is necessary to advance to the next stage through dialectics.

>BUT then again IIRC Goethe said that a young poet should at least spend as much time getting into romances with young girls as he should spend with reading and writing. So go get the girls, hungary.

I'm woefully aware that I don't live life and that's what's hindering my writing the most.

>>37415
Failed living can be as fertile a ground for literature as full living, but I strongly advise against the former.

It's kind of impossible to "live" as a nerd in high school, but although you get some chances in college it's also very easy to go proto-NEET, getting overloaded with interesting classes on arcane subjects, unlimited access to a university-tier library, and no outside control whatsoever on your schedule and free time so long as you make it to class and turn in papers on time.

And then there's the fact that no matter what you do in college, you're completely isolated from the real world. I didn't have any perspective on life until I worked a couple of shitty soul-sucking jobs. Try to fit in a summer or two of 40-hour per week work, it'll be more of an education than any classes or trips you could take during that time.

t; failed living pro

>>37400
>>37415
RE: fantasy, and speculative fiction in general, the utility of it over boring normal literature is to let you tell stories about the human condition that would not be possible or plausible in a real-world setting. And as a modern, it lets you make use of more interesting settings, where people actually live.

Japan does this very well, because within its productive cultural forms, there isn't a snobbish dismissal of speculative fiction. Most good manga and anime are fantasy, SF, or historical fiction (which I consider the same, as its about a non-existent world which we can only explore through writing and other media). A great author gets an idea for a story, or an idea that deserves to be delivered through a story, and they tell it in the most effective manner possible, without any limits on their creativity.

>>37416
What is life, a good life? I sense what you mean, but it's hard to nail down what is really better, I don't want to miss out on arcane subjects and deep abstract theories, dwelling deep into the mind and cosmos, turn your mind to the abstract dimensions of live.
Yet I guess bodily sensations are a part of that life as well and need to be experienced.
A job on the other hand teaches you how the world (technically only a rather small part) is running, how a (capitalist) society is working on a daily basis and what the people in that world are like. Don't get me wrong, it definitely teaches you something, you get experience on how to move/act in our society and tho I did not work a real shit job for 40h/week I've worked in different jobs, but nothing I would prefer over other insights, it's a part of life and it's very much practical and also an entry point for other stuff, deeper stuff even tho you need to know some deeper stuff in order to connect it first and open a channel.
The "real world" is the daily working of societal structuration and human interactions humans as creators of said structures and likewise also affected by them that forced you into its logic. What I want to say is: "the real world" is nothing essential, but it's very stagnant and quite sturdy[/spoiler] The theories (college bubble) around that are just as much part of that world anyway. Luhmann would have said it's one of many systems/sub systems. I strongly opt against excluding the mind and it's operations from life or the "real world" as if it's not part of that.

t. likes the idea of immanence

>>37418
You cannot fully comprehend the lessons to be learned until you learn them.

I think it was especially useful to me, given my own particular background, but nobody can fully comprehend the existential nightmare of modernity until they spend a few months as a serf.

You also need an uplifting enlightenment. Without religion, or at least the ability to consume escapist fiction as a pure experience - without the slightest shred of irony or self-awareness - I don't know where you can get it. But you need to have a beautiful vision of what should be, to balance out the horror of what is. Within that conflict lies the origin of all true art.

>>37419

>but nobody can fully comprehend the existential nightmare of modernity until they spend a few months as a serf.

Yeah, experience is something special indeed! The level of awareness I think, is a different one, and that makes the difference. A psychosis e.s cannot be grasped by abstraction/thinking alone. It's a qualitative thing.
Yet, "the real world" is something different to experience (in the "real world"). To experience the force of a structuration makes you really aware of the condition, it has an existential or personal dimension. The theoretical lens on life however is about the abstraction that is "beyond" everything. These days and also 400-100 years ago, academia and theoretical thinking had empirical impact, they shaped experience of human beans.
Social Science with all it's theoretical and abstract tools, ofc also the quantitave methods, play a big part, it's there for politics, for media e.g to create knowledge that you can work with, depending on what you want to change or do, to govern in the end. Academia seems to be in an ivory tower and the impact it has seems not relevant, but I would say it's definitely there, it's just not open to the general public. It's just another system in a super differentiated society, meaning labor division. People who govern or a in charge often times rely on academia as knowledge creator and an academic education. It's not thin air, I guess. And if only it comes to making sense of the world and it's social structure on which you base your decisions. Lets say with new technology come ethical questions. Governments will hire academics to produce papers/insights, because they are "experts" on an issue. And these insights will guide political decisions. Not determine them tho. needless to say that technocratic governing has its downsides. All I'm saying is, it's all part of the "real world", ..."another lesson learned", via theory. Not everything is visible or can be experienced via our five senses in order to be grasped.

>>37416
My life is more in-between failed and normal. I don't have a social life, even though I have absolutely no trouble talking to people.
They tell me I have a way with words even, since I'm fast with banter and making quips. It's just that I never had any close friends, because I'm a bit introverted, and I spent a good part of my early teenage years sickly and isolated. (Though that's life too, the lowest of it. Barely being alive.)

>It's kind of impossible to "live" as a nerd in high school

Thank God I'm not a nerd. I don't think of myself as one and my surroundings don't treat me as one.

>Get a 40hr/week job

I worked 40hrs a week a month during the last two summers.
Honestly, what I noticed is that it's easier than school. You go in, you work 8 hours, and then you're free to do whatever you want at home, while in school, you're there for 7-8 hours a day, and then when you're home they expect you to put in 1-2 hours extra every day to study for tomorrow.

>>37410
To each their own I guess.

I keep meaning to read a Malcolm X biography. He seems like an interesting dude.

It is in incredibly hard to he a moral good person, even if that's your goal in life. I still think that everything I thought and was doing before was completely stupid and that alcohol clouded my judgment even more severely than I'd formerly anticipated. I also cringe so hard at myself for having wasted what should've been the good years of my life in such a completely embarrassing shithole as krautchan and I got absolutely nothing out of it. I actually don't even know if I should sign up for internet at this. Is there a legitimate reason for me to even do so anymore? I think not and that I have been embarrassingly wasting my entire life on nothing. I need to wholly reorient all my goals solely towards the sjngleminded goal of making money. Lots and lots of money. Just getting that tiny amount to be able to grow it should be possible although supremely difficult now given my station in life. I need more money. Not just a little bit--I mean lots and lots and lots of money. I need lots and lots of money.

>>37423
As I meant it, a "nerd" is someone who spends more time with books and their own thoughts than out and about in the real world. In other words, an intelligent introvert. Not that the average Dixie cup beer pong bydlo (or whatever the Hungarian equivalent is) is going to write the novel of the century, but people with extrovert instincts are unlikely to get stuck in the academic prison.

>>37423

>I worked 40hrs a week a month during the last two summers.

Well, working summer jobs while in school isn't serfdom. But I do think I was mistaken.

What's really important is that at some point you break out of the walled-in track of academia that nerds are placed in from their first day at school. No insight into the human condition, no productive impulse towards transcendental creation, can be found within an institution dedicated to endless recursive discourse and analysis, or to chasing after the smallest bits of scientific minutiae. Do you think you'd spend so much time reading works by and about Babits, if he had stayed on at university for his entire life? Down that road lies American maximalism, e lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate.

>>37429
If you don't know what you're doing with your life, getting money is always a good plan. Whatever you decide you want to do later, money will help with it.

Had my last shift at the theatre today, feeling somewhat lugubrious about leaving. It was a nice and cushy job while it lasted, though it's been getting worse this year with all the catering involved. So probably I should be lucky I managed to jump ship in time.
Just wasted away the last few hours with a bit of drinking & basically just clicking around on websites, doesn't feel good at all. My neurons seem to be barely stirring, I'm struggling to tie words or thoughts together. I suppose I'm about to plunge into a bit of a depressive bout.
Also I picked up some new clothes and a ticket for this 5 hour long play tomorrow, gonna watch it alone.

>>37407
Good post

>>37429
i god damn know that feel... :/

Endchan is down. Apparently hardware failure in the datacenter. Site is getting migrated now, will be back up in a couple of days.
There might be some users here who interested, or some lost souls wandering about what's happened, so I write.

Otherwise my day just getting started, watching Red Heat, which is not too sophisticated but really fun. Many Hungarian actors were participated in it's creation.

>>37432

>average Dixie cup beer pong bydlo (or whatever the Hungarian equivalent is)

Let's call them commieblock proletariat.

>>37428

>I keep meaning to read a Malcolm X biography. He seems like an interesting dude.

Yeah, it's an interesting slice of history. I've once borrowed a book by Bobby Seale about Huey Newton and the BPP, it was so badly written I gave up after a few pages, within that 10 pages you had various exclamations of what a cool guy Newton was, and how he was known in the area, so more like talking to somebody on the street than reading a book.
...BUT and I just googled it via goodreads now: It's made of audiotapes which explains the style very much. The German translation did not say that afaik.

I've wanted to read about the Black Panther Party, mainly their community work, as I'm interested in how their community work and education was working.

>Several generations of journalists, academics, and filmmakers have recounted the dramatic rise and fall of the Black Panther Party, but few have considered the importance of southern migration or public education to its genesis

Both inland migration from southern states into northern cities like Oakland from 1940s-1960s and the fact that more black people were able to enter college due to Californian administration plans for education are presented by Donna Murch in Living for the City. Migration, Education and the rise of the Black Panther Party in Oakland, California roughly 1940s-1982 as factors for the rise of the BPP. I wasn't able to get to the chapter about education and community once it was "established" but had to quit because of priorities. You can find it on lib.gen

>>37449
What I find particularly interesting about him is his political and philosophical development. It's not often you see someone go from the extreme radical to a more encompassing position while retaining the radicalism that they initially had. Usually people just go milquetoast once they leave the extreme ends of politics. Plus Ballot or the Bullet is a changed context away from my own political views regarding voting and resistance. It'd be interesting to see how he got to that place.

>>37448
I was kinda wondering where /turul/ went when I couldn't reach it.
What is it with imageboards and hardware failure?

>>37453
No idea. Yesterday morning it was slow as fugg. Odili checked it found frontend server in ordnung. Backend had heavy load. Then he figured out something with the datacenter, and they should have repaired it in a short while, but they didn't. Then apparently they reported hardware failure but I dunno what hardware. Doesn't sound like an UTP cable torn...
Now recovery runs, and stuff will be copied elsewhere if I understood right.
I figure if recovery is possible, then it isn't hdd issue, and the data itself should be safe. Something with the routing? I dunno.

Ehh, it's disk failure. There are a ton in that particular server, probably End wasn't on the dying ones (about 3). Probably.
Many sites will be offline and with lost data.

Trying out some of the ceylon tea I got yesterday before a study session.
The colour and the aroma is different than what I've seen with the Chinese teas I usually drink. The taste itself is okay. Less "earthy" than Pu'er.
It's not bitter at all, so it's good. Makes me feel really sharp and on the edge.

I should drink more tea. Coffee makes you into a mindless drone, no matter how literary it is to down a cup of espresso before setting down to write.

>>37432
I get what you're saying, but I like Babits's writings exactly because they're from an ivory-tower intellectual who's trying to break out of his shell.
I'm just feeling especially assburger today, that's why I point this out.

I'm unlikely to write the novel of the century too. Same goes for poetry. I never intended to become a poet or a writer. (Always thought that saying 'I'm going to be a writer" sounds idiotic and embarrassing.)

Fuuuck. Only just now (during my nightshift) realized that the online journalism studies won't take me.
I'm #86 on the ranking and they only take the first 30. Also if it comes to waiting semesters I'd be on #277. Well, fug. :DD
Now I guess I'm going to try get a decent and long ass (at least 6months would be the best) internship for now. Mostly looking for something at a PR-Agency.
Kinda comes at a bad moment as I'm still not too stable and concentrated anyways, but I guess I'll have to deal with it.

>>37460
:-DD

Also my pulse just went up because two "girls" (I think their in their mid-twenties but I can't really call them women, as it's the case with many western women) came in and asked to go the toilet - as it happened many times tonight because there are some parties round here. Anyways, just as I allowed them to use it I realized that I knew both of them from some lefty house party I've been to like two years ago.
They were as surprised as me and one of them (I remember we had a nice talk back then) even recognized me as well.
Really lighted up the night a bit because I was feeling so down and they were so giggly and happy to see me. Not to mention I look quite a bit more handsome than back then, so they were sort of double-shocked.

>>37474
>>37460
Then again there was Oskar Maria Graf who had the balls to leave home at 18, only with a business card on him. On it his name and next to it: "writer and journalist".
And guess what he became? If you do it the right way, there's a legitimate chance that you become what you give yourself out as.
Heck, an acquintance once told me a story about some old guy in real estates who would always wear a cowboy hat, use a fake american accent and pretend that he's a texan making cash in germany - just so people think he knows what he talks about.
Sure, that's basically lieing, but it's only an example to show what your self-image can do.
For me it's a quite ambivalent. On one hand it's ridiculous to pose as a writer in the 21st century and it's especially ridiculous if you have never ever published anything and your vita looks like the one of some insta thot who thinks she's a writer because she occasionally scribbles down some Rupi-Kaur-Tier poems (even though she isn't as bad as it's always memed).
But then again there's Kafka who's been ashamed and sort of afraid of his writings all his life and sadly never got them out alive.
"Being a writer" means suffering anyways, like being any kind of artist.
So, guess you gotta find the right track inbetween.

Yesterday I filled out the digital university application form. I was shaking the whole time.
Of course the application is not final, I still have two weeks to finalize the places they'll send my application to, but I doubt it'll change much. (I did it in advance because apparently the system likes to collapse under the workload during the last two days before the deadline.)

It's an eerie feel. I'm consciously choosing a future.
Don't know when was that ever allowed for me before.
Sure, I do my day to day bidding by myself mostly, and I pick my own hobbies, but none of those have a fancy online form attached to it.

>>37483
>>37474
I believe writers have to say something, or at the very least be able to tell a story. I'm unable to do that.
When I write, it always turns into an overly magnified, fragmentary scene, and everything around it becomes a game with schematics and language.
That's why I prefer translating. I can get lost in the language and I don't have to try creating a story at all.
Though they say that Every translator must be a good writer first and foremost, so there's a chance that my inner author is just waiting for a chance to break out.
I guess the only way to find out is to practice, practice and practice, by writing as much as I can.

>>37448

>Endchan is down

Again? I thought you migrated already in a couple of montgs ago or so.

>>37500
TBH I don't know how anyone has something to say before their mid 20s, unless they've had a very interesting life. A gypsy would probably have material by 18. Translating until you have something to say is probably a really good idea, actually. I couldn't think of a better way, in fact, to work on stylistics while you're short on content.

>>37501
Disks in the server where End is hosted started to fail, so they switched it off. Now Odili tries to recover the content.

>>37506

>I don't know how anyone has something to say before their mid 20s

Not sure. I think it would be possible to write something good, but it's a matter of how you do it. I guess it's perfectly possible to write about a life in which nothing really happens. It's matter of how you do it. Seymour Chatmann and the structuralist literary theory in general makes the differentiation between story (what) and discourse (how). And story does not have priority.

>>37509
You can write about a life in which nothing happens, but it's really fucking difficult to make it good. If you aren't approaching Buddha levels of ascended wisdom and perspective you'll just be writing boring stories about boring people. Personal experience and interesting subject matter are as important as innate skill, and if you aren't a blessed genius in the latter you need to make up for it in the former.

Any random bydlo can write a good war memoir if they've actually been to war. Once or twice a century, you get an author who writes amazing stories about nothing.

>literary theory says this

Have there been any great writers who steeped themselves in literary theory before writing? Better to do without, I think, unless your theory is just the basic craftsmanship of writing a story that's appealing to humans.

>>37510
And I should say that this is why speculative fiction is such an important genre in the modern day. You can make up for your boring world by setting your stories in a more interesting one, and it's only brainwashing by dead-souled literati that leads some to think that a speculative setting fundamentally degrades the quality or universality of a work.

>>37510

> but it's really fucking difficult to make it good

Yeah, because you need narrative skills, basically what one important strand of literary theory is about and usually young people lack the narrative skills while with mid 20s you have experienced enough to write at least one novel. You don't need to read structuralist theory to write a text, but I guess that even before structuralist literature theory those classic writers thought about how a story is built and what effect a certain position of the narrator has and how a story is narrated.

>Any random bydlo can write a good war memoir if they've actually been to war.

Not true, I've read several war novels and it's only true that any bydlo can write a novel on war if he wants to, but it won't be a good one, just because someone experienced it.
I could write a novel about a psychotic mind, something which hasn't been done before too often, but guess what, I could more easily figure the story, while I will crash n burn coming up with the way of presenting it, actually having the narrative skills to present the story in a moving way. The big jump structuralism brought to thoughts on literature was how a text is actually working and not circling like an idiot on what it wants to say/express. This also means to incorporate what is said, how the characters work etc. but all this story related stuff faints for me if it is badly narrated.

>Once or twice a century, you get an author who writes amazing stories about nothing.

Many good novels and especially modern novels deal with the topic of writing itself, with nihilism and non-representability. It becomes abstract and moved away from realism, moral education and collective sense making.

I agree tho that speculative fiction is very important and if I would write something it would be theory fiction, which is basically prone to speculation and reality bending.

>dead-souled literati that leads some to think that a speculative setting fundamentally degrades the quality or universality of a work.

If speculative fiction is bad and cheap money maker literature, why not just degrade it, if there is speculative fiction that is better, more innovative and better narrated than some generic scifi novel. I've come across many bad i.e generic sci fi stuff that is just boring extrapolation. Academic literature does not exclude speculative fiction and speculative fiction is not restricted to 1960s and further sci fi novels/stories. Around 1900 there were already people writing speculative stuff about going to the moon and other things.

>universality of a work

Literatis would think that is a braindead thing to say ;) Not so if you mean literary criticism which is btw something very different than literature in an academic context.

>>37506
The kids aren't dumb amd/or blind. They might not be fully mature but they can talk as much as anybody. I mean boomers aren't exactly the height of maturity neither but they can write shit just fine.

>>37510

>Have there been any great writers who steeped themselves in literary theory before writing?

Sure, just one example: Jack London drew a lot from Herbert Spencer's Philosophy of Style and recommended it to any aspiring writer.
Generally said, every kind of lived experience can be enriching for a writer.
Just today I read in a letter of Hermann Löns to a friend how he felt that his creative energy was burnt away up until he worked on a purely zoological piece of work for one and a half year. At other times it were only his hunting sessions and the days he spent with simple farmer folks that got him writing.
Literary theory, as any theory, can be an important impulse. But at the end of the day it depends on what you're going to write. If you want to write some freaked out theory fiction as the other germanball liked to, it is basic to delve into theory at first.
If you want to write hunting stories as Löns did, well you should hunt.

>>37510

>Have there been any great writers who steeped themselves in literary theory before writing?

Sure, just one example: Jack London drew a lot from Herbert Spencer's Philosophy of Style and recommended it to any aspiring writer.
Generally said, every kind of lived experience can be enriching for a writer.
Just today I read in a letter of Hermann Löns to a friend how he felt that his creative energy was burnt away up until he worked on a purely zoological piece of work for one and a half year. At other times it were only his hunting sessions and the days he spent with simple farmer folks that got him writing.
Literary theory, as any theory, can be an important impulse. But at the end of the day it depends on what you're going to write. If you want to write some freaked out theory fiction as the other germanball liked to, it is basic to delve into theory at first.
If you want to write hunting stories as Löns did, well you should hunt.

>>37516

>If you want to write hunting stories as Löns did, well you should hunt.

I want to differentiate here. Because yes, you should know about the things, the "what" that will be in your story. The experience made, the empirical world is a base. But it's equally crucial to know how you will present it, those experiences that you made. And what will you accentuate in this experience? What was special about it and what was of minor interest. You might skip that. Good literature might not tell everything. It's stylized and should have gotten aesthetic treatment.
If I want to write theory fiction, I need to know a lot about theory and this does not mean literary theory but political and social theory and philosophy but I still need to know how to present it in a way. The what is also not an easy question here tbh.

You don't need to read theory on literature like structuralism, which had its peak in the 1960s. But I'm pretty sure that Löns or other writers had to think about how they presented what they wrote. If that was more unconscious or termed different than today is another thing. If you get the skills of narration by reading theory (as it might be possible today) or by going other routes is a question that is only of secondary order to me. More important is that whatever it is you write about, you need the skills to present that story, the what, the content (hunting e.g.) ... Darstellung / presentation of content. The presentation is not only reduced to the narrators perspective, but also to time and its order, "time moving fast, time moving slow", will you have dialogs or only indirect speech? dialogs are more immersive, while indirect speech is more distant to the reader Can you look into the characters minds, or will you choose a perspective like a camera following characters? What effect has the former, which the latter? And what to choose for your story?
On top of that come other questions and details: Sentence lenght (rhythm, overload, journalistic style etc), temporal questions present tense or past tense? present tense is unmediated, is action, is closeness, there is now distance, it is NOW, verbs, sentence structures, what tones? melodic writing?, what characters, what will they look like and how will they speak.

Basically the "what you want tell and how to present what you want to tell" is a fundamental question of literature. Maybe writers don't go thru it like that. But given that many writers wrote about their poetry and even developed poetics, or rather little fragments of their own poetics to be precise, is an indicator for their technical engagement with literature. You don't need to engage in academic theory to stumble upon such thoughts tho. Reading many literature and finding out yourself about how those people did it can give a similar result.
The presentation is inextricably linked to the effect a story has on a reader.

So I think what I'm just going to have to do is (dis)organize myself into a flurry of activity and chaos in moving the fish tanks, ALL OF THEM, at exactly the same time, by draining most of the water and maybe putting my plants in trash bags and moving everything pretty much as is because like fucking hell I'm spending an extra several hundred dollars on all kinds of power tools and bullshit to cut up and move a bunch of 6 by 6s because Lowes won't do it for me. Like what the fuck you guys actually expect me to cut my own 12 foot beams? (4 meters for you euros). Like seriously just how in the absolute FUCK are you guys even expecting some guy working in contracting is gonna move all that shit in his pickup truck? I can't fucking be bothered to put up with that, which begs the further point of just how in the fuck am I even supposed to get it off site since I'd need to borrow like a dump truck just to do it. So fuck that.

I'll fuck around with that idea later. So that means that in the meantime what I'm pretty much gonna have to do is just pack all my shit up into boxes and then drain my tanks to mostly empty and maybe move a few fish into plastic bins and have everything hauled out of here at once. I am not looking forward to this. It's going to be sheer chaos and what I'm just gonna have to do is set all my fish tanks on the floor, on the carpet, and spend the rest of the day refilling them all while I also if I even have time that day start filling up the new tanks and cycling them so
Oh wait. Fuck. That's right. The whole purpose behind this is because I can't actually fill them straight away because I have no furniture and no stands to put them all on. Which means it's gonna be rough for a little while. Real rough. Like I said I am very much not looking forward to this because I'm busy as shit this week but I don't want to waste my month's rent just dicking around and waiting so chaos it is.

So on Monday I passed the application stage for an interview with the space agency. Interview is in 12 hours and if it works I get (comparatively) fat stacks of cash to do an interesting job with high prestige.

Honestly though I'm exhausted; I've not had time to process anything that's happened this week:

1. I broke up with my girlfriend on Tuesday night. She to wanted to meet up and discuss some issues which I thought meant she was going to break things off. Mentally I was okay with her breaking it off, I've thought about doing it myself but instead she constantly pressed me to say/ask or open up about something and I don't know what it was. I talked about all the long-term stuff we could do, the kind of life we could have but that wasn't it.

So I just pissed her off monumentally eventually pointed out that we clearly don't speak the same language and I want to end it. She asked to meet up at the weekend to discuss our communication problems but fuck her shit. She constantly questioned my sincerity and I don't need that in my life, the relationship was pretty toxic between us overall. Anyway it's just how things ended that bugs me.

Fuck, maybe she wanted me to say that I loved her. I guess I feel bad because I didn't want to hurt her and there was no proper closure. That, and, getting used to being single again is strange, I keep reflexively checking my phone but there's no messages.

2. Same time I'm dealing with above my brother tells me that my mother is sick and depressed. She moved to the coast a couple years back and I get the feeling that she hates her new life, the house my parents bought was a bad deal and now they're talking about buying a caravan like it's going to solve the problem. I feel bad about all this because I've not been a good son in keeping in touch when she constantly wants to talk to me. It's just as that I don't have the capacity, certainly not at the moment for this.

3. Next day I have to put this all aside to run a course at work on top of a relentless pace of work generally. I'm constantly doing multiple things at once now and it's getting to the point that I don't consciously know what I'm doing. Work is talking about how we can better divide in the load but I don't particularly want to give up anything or see how we can.

In short, when it rains it pours and I need a holiday.

>>37500

>It's an eerie feel. I'm consciously choosing a future.

I remember that feeling. I'm not sure how much truth there is to it compared to what you do when you're there but I strongly recommend picking a nice place to study. Not in the sense of academic prowess but a peaceful place you want to spend years of your life living in.

Going from my cozy undergrad city to a post-industrial hell for my postgraduate was awful.

Wow, the computer screen is surprisingly dim after you spend a few hours outside on a sunny day.

Took a 5km walk. Rather, I needed to go to my mom's workplace to bring her something, and I only took enough money for a one way trip. I should do this more often.

Yesterday I wasted all my time instead of reading and studying. I mean, I read, but not what I had to read. Instead of starting Mario and the Wizard, I read Amor and Psyche and a chapter from Herodotos's Histories.
The mere sight of the Thomas Mann novella collection filled me with disgust yesterday for some reason. It laid on my desk, and it was simply awful.
So I started it reading today.
Really, yesterday was just simply awful for some reason. Could be the weather, or I overdosed on caffeine.

>>37527
Well, whatever happens, I'm staying near Budapest either way. That's where both universities are that I applied to. (If I recall correctly, one or two also have Sinology courses in the countryside, but my family has no money to support me down there, and I have no relatives living in Pécs or Debrecen. Or at least no relatives we talk to and meet with regularly.)
Hungary is a small country. Budapest is the only true city.

>So on Monday I passed the application stage for an interview with the space agency

Noice. What position did you apply to?
You're a bureaucrat, aren't you? How interesting that a bureaucrat is fit for no job and every job at all at the same time :D

>She moved to the coast a couple years back and I get the feeling that she hates her new life

Kind of understandable. The kids left, what is there to do now?
Starting to see the same thing affecting my mother now that I'm an adult.

>now they're talking about buying a caravan like it's going to solve the problem

Instead of a house or to accompany the house?
If it's to accompany the house, then it's OK, touring the country in the summer and spring sounds nice, but to live in a caravan sounds pants on head retarded, and is for hippies and travellers.

>>37510
Imho theory itself isn't really necessary beyond the basics if you have good instincts. (Basics: Three act structure, how a text should be formatted and so on. Really, just the basics so you're not writing Chris-chan tier kindergarten shit.)
What matters more (in my opinion) is to be acquainted with other great writes. Not all of them, just a few. An author should have bonds with other authors who came before him. Even if said author doesn't want to follow traditions.
Know your culture and your forefathers, at least a little bit. Helps you orient yourself a bit better.
Basically read a lot of books, and read a lot of great and good books.

>>37543
Are you reading only the story of Amor and Psyche or the whole Metamorphosis written by Apuleius? If you're only reading the singled out story, I strongly recommend you to read the whole work instead.

>>37545
Just the singled out story, and even that was a retelling in another book.
But thanks, I've learnt something new again today. Didn't knew that the Golden ass was called Metamorphoses in Latin.

I finally decided to quit uni for a couple years and focus on work. Will save money and then go back to studying once my parents don't need me anymore. I can barely make a living, but working from home and helping family is enough. Mixing coursework with my job doesn't work, I can't have two stressors in my life at the same time, I'm weak.

>>37547
But hey, can't you switch to the extramural educatio or so? It would be a loss to lose years IMO.

>>37558
Same here. I just thought myself today "I miss serious discussions" and then realized that there's such a place

>>37543
Why not apply for scholarships? I remember absolutely seething when a child of multimillionaires told me all the scholarships he got just because he applied. China throws money at this stuff from what I've heard and you can become a Charisma Man.

>You're a bureaucrat, aren't you? How interesting that a bureaucrat is fit for no job and every job at all at the same time :D

Reminds me that a new guy asked me what I do as a job the other day. I was stumped :D

The interview went well I think, they pressed me at points but mostly we talked about Star Trek, asteroid mining and other insufferable nerd stuff. Can't reveal the role for fear of outing myself. Just imagine what the newspaper would say.

As for the mother, she's still keeping the house but I can imagine this going the same as when she bought lots of camping gear i.e. it will collect dust. Her problem is she's bored and my poor father will have to travel in a ghastly caravan when he just wants to read the paper in peace. I'll leave some volunteering leaflets next time I visit, that's what she needs.

>>37547
Why not at least study part-time? You don't want to get trapped with work.

>>37567
It sounds like she really needs friends, or some kind of passion that she can devote herself to like a job.

TBH if we could just have a few modern medicines, life would be perfect if we could freeze technology in the 18th century or earlier. Freeholder peasants in times of peace had it made.

>>37558
I honestly have no idea what would even possess somebody to go there to begin with, let alone go back.

However I do often wonder: just wtf happened to all the Slavs? I mean we must've had probably dozens and dozens of them if not actually nearly a hundred at some points so where did they all go? We've got I think like one or two Ukrainians, an extremely infrequent Beloryssian (possibly two maybe) and like two to three Russians and that's pretty much it. Oh, and of those, like only one Ukrainian and one Russian actually post here fairly regularly.

It’s kinda weird how all of the women I meet in classes as an undergraduate seem to have boyfriends already. Not that I’m asking, but it usually comes up in conversation.

>>37574

>an extremely infrequent Beloryssian (possibly two maybe)

I'm here most of the time, it's just that I'm usually in read-only mode. Nothing interesting is happening to me anyway. There were at least two other Belarusians, but it seems that they only visited a couple of times before leaving for other boards. I am pretty much a cross-boarder myself: I still post on a Russian imageboard that I used to frequent way before I even went on KC, not to mention EC. And that could be the answer to your question: Slavs went to Russian imageboards. AFAIK, sosach (or mailach, or whatever it's called now) is still alive, and there are some others boards beside it.

>>37582
What are the actually good Russian boards or wherever you frequent? I tried going to sosach before and while it was pretty terrible I don't even think it was that bad on it's own per se and was more just surprised to find it being not only basically some kind of 4cancer pol clone but largely deserted. They seemed to gave all the same memes as the 4kanker and almost nobody seemed posting. The UI also made me bleed. It was like they designed the whole place to be as shit as possible while still seeming to just vaguely be on the other edge of usable as possible not to just close it down.

>>37583

>What are the actually good Russian boards

I'm not sure if there are any, heh. The one I visit is animu/weeb-oriented and it's pretty slow to the point that it seems dead sometimes. Sosach is the most popular, but yeah, it's full of cancerous normie memelords, although from what I've heard, thematic boards there can be fairly decent. Then again, it feels like imageboards in general are losing popularity. Old visitors lose interest, get lives, getting old, and newfriends prefer different kinds of social media altogether.

>>37574
I'm in the same board as the Belarus Ernst. My life is fairly boring so I don't post in the Today thread that often. I do check the threads that interest me every other day though and I report shitposters so you could say that I actually contribute to EC.

>>37584

>The one I visit is animu/weeb-oriented

ы?

>>37591
Ыгы.

>>37592
Ну и бака.

>>37567

>scholarship

YES, Hungaryball definitely should try scholarships, be it because he has good grades, or because his family cannot provide enough, or because he is the first one to study at a university in his family. All of these are reasons for getting a scholarship in Germany, I forgot that voluntary work and the likes is also a factor for many scholarships, but it seems like Hungary does not fulfill that criteria.
Anyway. He definitely should seek to get as much scholarships as possible. If it's true and Chinese give out scholarships then apply, apply, apply!

t. got a scholarship, even tho already studying for 4 years, but my good grades and oftentimes low applicant rates made it possible.

>>37549
>>37567

>Part-time studying

Tried it last fall and January, failed miserably. I still can't handle much stress. Fresh out from a decade of depression and mental illness I am just not on par with the regular sheeple, that juggle kids, work and studies easily. This job was a blessing, nobody would hire me through normal channels of job seeking, degree or not.

Well, today felt like an absolute shit show for some reason.
Basically for the first time in ages, I didn't finish an assignment on time. I just couldn't pressure myself into reading Mario and the Wizard for some reason. Bored me to tears, to be honest. So I sat down to write the test with only having read 48/50 pages.

First question was "What's the novella subtitled and what's the function of the subtitle?"
I'm fuck off m8, there's no fucking subtitle. As it later turned out, I wasn't stupid, because my edition excluded the subtitle for some reason.
All in all, the last two pages were completely unnecessary to take the test.

My PC kept freezing today whenever I tried composing a post on EC. Taking out the battery from the laptop seems to have solved the issue.
I slept for a bit instead of browsing the web. Had to get up to fix the broken gate. The wind has been really strong today. Almost took the hat off my hat on the way home.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a dance with Kafka and go to the town hall to get some paperwork for uni done. I have high hopes that it won't take more than two hours.

>>37567
It's not like I can't apply to programs later. Afaik it's possible to spend a year studying in Beijing thanks to the university's connections there.
Honestly, I'm a bit uncomfortable with the thought of travelling. Or being around Asians and being a -boo for a living for that matter.

>>37584
Yes. I personnaly more visit thematic groups in discord, same as most people than traditional forums and imageboards.

Two days of sleeping ~5 hrs or so and some moderate stress and I'm already feeling like a wreck, I really don't get how some people claim to consistently survive on 4-6 hrs of sleep every night.

Started my new part-time job at the university, managing/redesigning the website for a certain Center for Something-Something Science. Alas, nevermore cute girls at wörk.

Made some feeble attempts at online dating but despite some experimentation, the algorithm seems to have forsaken me, so I've deleted my Tinder account after all.
I've been ruminating about writing up a profile on OkCupid, but I'm failing to come up with a good mix of brevity, sincerity and irony and it's driving me insane. The way it's set up with all the cutesy prompts for topics and questions just invites more self-reflection and a somewhat rigid perception of one's own life and personality than I'm comfortable with. Frankly, whenever I see a woman with an overly verbose profile, as interesting as it can be to read sometimes, I still assume she's insane. Not to mention, there's barely any decent looking girls on there anyways.

>>37610
Tinder even is shit if you get matches. I had 20ish matches since reinstalling one and a half week ago and nothing grew out of it. Either the chats end after a few messages, don't get going at all (worst is when a girl literally has nothing in her profile than a few pics and her height. What do you write? Hey, you've got some nice hair or what) or someone ghosts the other shortly before the date. (I had two girls jumping off before a date (The second even was all hyped about it herself and even picked us a nicr café) and did the same on my own to another girl.) Right now I barely have the energy to even hit up new matches, I just swipe as a bad habit.
Really I believe that there isn't much good coming out of this app.

>>37610

>Made some feeble attempts at online dating but despite some experimentation, the algorithm seems to have forsaken me, so I've deleted my Tinder account after all.

Well, you're using tinder which is more about wanking your ego with likes. Just like imageboards, internet dating has particular communities and cultures which you need to be aware of. OKCupid was taken over by freaks in the 00s but, apparently, back in the day it was amazing. Even 10 years ago when I tried it the place was a ghost-town.

Put that effort into Hinge but don't expect to find a goddess on there. You aren't expected to write a novel which is nice.
Bumble is worth a roll as everyone still has the app on their phones but the premise is fundamentally flawed.

Don't know beyond that as I've not kept up with the gossip. A thought I've always had is maybe I should get a photographer to do some pictures because I don't know how to take photographs but that might be ridiculous.

Got a dressing down at work today because my work quality has been slipping. Tbh, my morale is at a point where i don't give a shit anymore. They can fire me for all I care.

I've gotten to take 2 of my past 20 legally guaranteed breaks. (They still didn't pay me for them) and I get talked down to by managers and some staff, burn myself when the shithouse grill spits oil across the line at me, and it's just a thankless job on a good day, doing something I hate doing, barely scraping by doing so.

I don't think managers here really understand the concept of workplace morale and wonder why kicking staff around for as long as they do results in the staff in question stop giving a shit.

My uncle sent my dad a misleading article about 2019-nCoV that cites debunked information and misrepresents certain findings to suggest the virus is a bioweapon. I looked it up and the article is from a Falun Gong newspaper lol

>>37623
I don't really think they wonder. Once you get enough managers that really can't afford to give a proper fuck, along with those that are malicious, they just treat it as a systemic failure and trudge.

Any good managers would have left while the getting was good.

I overheard this bit of conversation between two girls:

>Your whole butt cheek is hanging out!
>What?
>Your panties are showing!

New definition of a true friend: Someone who will tell you when your butt is hanging out.

>>37623
I can unironically say at this point that working at restaurants was one of, if not most probably the, worst decision I have ever made in my entire life, and refusing to become anything but homeless or so desperately poor I had to smoke butts off the ground until I found non-restaurant work was one of the best decisions I've ever made in the course of my entire life. Yes, not even being an alcoholic or KC addict was that bad because at least those two things are not even quite as permanently life destroying in the same way as being a restaurant worker which practically guarantees becoming an alcoholic or other drug addict besides.

Get out now while you still can.

It is unironically the worst possible fucking job in existence. Long hours, joke wages, no benefits, no possibility of ever getting ahead, lots of cool people but also plenty of assholes even people who might otherwise be cool outside it, it is just simply the worst possible decision you can ever make in life to work those dead end jobs. But the problem is it becomes alluring because anybody can take it absolutely anywhere you move so job security is theoretically secured which if you're like me and fully entered the economy in that fuckhole George Bush left us in 2009 is a big concern so if that happened I'd strongly suggest breaking free of that mentality.

I've seen it discussed here about the scarcity and survival mindset of poor people and that on it's own secures your pathetic nonexistence as a restaurant worker.

Quit. Do it now. Don't just think about it. Don't even wait. Let me absolutely fucking tell you from the bottom of my heart mate that you are losing absolutely nothing by getting out of there and that staying one extra day is like trying to be a heroin addict for one extra day. You are losing absolutely nothing by leaving and sacrificing everything by staying. You are going to be some potbellied bald fuck by the time you realize the gravity of the mistake you've made and like a heroin addict each day you remain a restaurant worker just makes it that much harder to save your life and climb back up.

You must leave. Do it now. Don't just wait to think about it or tell yourself just one more paycheck. Save your life. Leave now. Work as anything else. Even work as a janitor or garbage man or gas station attendant. Leave now. There is no light at the end of that tunnel.

>Come home
>Laptop gives me the default boot screen for some reason
>"I have a bad feeling about this"
>Can't find boot media
>Boot it from a live-stick
>Still sees all the data fine and boots into my account trough the live-OS

Why is it that everything tech-related gets fucked up when I'm around it for prolonged periods of time?
Don't know if I'd be able to post on EC without having a keyboard and a big screen. Editing long posts on a phone is hell, and I'd rather not post than to have to use a phone.

In the morning my left ear's inside went numb for some reason, and my ear started ringing. When that got a bit better after my second breakfast, I got a terrible headache. So terrible in fact, that I actually went to the principal's office and asked for a painkiller. I got one.
That solved most of my problems for the rest of the day.

I went to the city today to pick up a few books. Ended up spending a fuckload of money on cheap off-the-street stuff.
Basically I burned two-three weeks' worth of saved-up lunchmoney in less than 30 minutes.
Got

>Oedipus Rex and Oedipus in Kolonos

The first Hungarian edition from 1942, with a facing-page translation by my literary idol, Babits.

>Another fucking translation of the Odyssey

It's a translation using the Alexandrine form. It's pretty.

>The letter-exchange of Babits,Juhász and Kosztolányi

On the street, I ended up buying:

>A bilingual Petrarch volume
>Selected essays, diaries and articles of Aleksandr Pushkin
>Sergey Dovlatov - Pushkinland / This is who we are
>Shakespeare - Love's Labour's Lost (English)

Basically after that, I had lunch and went home. I decided to take another bus. As I was walking, I looked at my old elementary school and remembered my homeroom teacher, a tall man, who was a true historian at heart. And an amateur kick-boxer. I entertained the thought of meeting with him and knocking on his car's window.
Then I turned my head 90° to the left and I saw him get into his car. We looked at each other for a good five seconds before he asked

>Ernst?
>Yes, sir.
>Couldn't recognise you in that hat! (I was wearing an ushanka with the ear-flips down)

So we talked, and was happy to hear that I have a career path, goals, and I wasn't lazy during the past 6 or so years. We wished each other all the best after talking for 15 or so minutes, and I went home.

Went over to my grandmother's. She wanted to wish me a happy birthday early for some reason.
I turned 20 today. I spent only a fifth of a life's fifth lucid. Funny, innit?

>The madmen actually went out and got the Grand Ancient Greek-Hungarian Dictionary for my birthday.

In this moment, I am euphoric.
All the pieces are coming together.

>>37647

>The first Hungarian edition from 1942, with a facing-page translation by my literary idol, Babits

Well, there was no way you could pass that one up. Happy Birthday, Ernst.

>>37603
I'd look into studying in Taiwan if you can. It's China without any of the problems. Unfortunately we can't be sure it'll still be free in 10 years, so you should see it while you have the chance.

>Asians

Mainland Chinese can be cancer, but all other Asians are just straight up better than Westerners. Especially as an introvert.

>>37647
Happy Birthday, chap! There are many more years to follow and wonder about.

---

I finished Platos Phaedo dialogue today. Dunno, I wanted to read some of the classics but the argument for immortality of the soul, that explains why Socrates can go dying without hesitation and repulsion, drinking the poison without delay, is not really of interest to me, instead I learned about some rationalist basics, how the empiricists and atomists are the enemies and that the idea is king. Still many things went unnoticed or I did not understand it really.

Man I just spent a truly pathetic amount of time looking for any leaked videos or pics of one of my exes because I know she did livejasmine and probably somebody somewhere actually managed to download videos of her. This also makes me realize that not getting laid in as many years may be finally making me a bit demented and a porn addict. I'd actually not even be sure I could get back into a relationship with anybody because unironically

>but God forbids

I think it's also not just actually the fact that I am so far outside what my old normal age range was that literally everybody within my range now has become married with a bunch of kids and I'd pretty much be picking up divorcees and single moms. I think that on some fundamental I've pretty much abandoned the thought of ever becoming married now to begin with and am pretty much on exactly the same marital road as the detective from the expanse

>nah I missed that train

Which is pretty sad because I've just got to find something constructive and worthwhile to do with myself now. It's actually pretty amazing how much your thought process tends to change as you spend longer and longer stretches of time without a drink along with getting older.

Let this be a stark warning to you Hungary. My frank advice to anybody is to only marry the person who took your virginity and try to find one who's a virgin themselves, and also avoid girls with tattoos and drug problems. Also you shouldn't date strippers. Even if you knew them beforehand. My advice is you should either find a girl you can trust with your life without question and throw everything you got at it and do not ever become a drunk or other substance abuser or addict and settle down early. That is my honest to God advice to everybody and avoid that toxic cancerous hookup culture bullshit, although to be fair I have never even perused a place like okcupid, tinder, or whatever else the fuck people go on. Er probably fetlife too tbqh. I just dont and can't trust anybody who uses those sites, not even christiansingles because quite frankly religious girls are fucking insane and even more of a hassle than artist girls. If it's worth the bother you just have to be dominant and lead them otherwise forget about it

I'm in a reflective moment and goddamn I have wasted my life and every good opportunity to urge extent I give up. It's like that part where Bart asks when did you give up, or maybe that was Malcolm in the Middle. I know now that whatever I do family, romance, and happiness is just not in my future and I blew. As such I'm just gonna have to find something else more suitable to myself. Something dark. Something sad and cold and paranoid, something I know and can actually be comfortable in like police work or intelligence or something. I'd honestly much rather just become like a 1930s whiskey slurping single 40 something detective at this moment.

>>37691
You know what in fact I don't think I'm actually going to pay for internet or have it anymore. I'm pretty sure that of all my bad habits the internet was the most completely fucking useless across the whole of my life and I don't want it to be a part of my life anymore. At this point I'm pretty sure that I'm just not going to do internet. That's it. I'm not paying for it anymore. I'm going to let myself have the time to write and engage in hobbies instead of shitposting into the void and dealing with complete retards on the internet.
You guys will be missed, but whatever. It is about time for me to disconnect entirely.

I think I now realize why I always abandon everything I start.
Those week to two week long gaps in my lucidity, that happen mid project, they leave me with two choices. Either to chase a new idea, creating an illusion of progress, or go back and continue where I left off, accepting the fact that I lost two weeks of my life for nothing. The latter is easy to agree with, but difficult to admit.
I keep making a step and then falling back down. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I will forever take twice as long to complete anything than normal people do.

Fucking laptop won’t turn on because as it turns out it’s the fucking charger that gave up the ghost after ~11 years of use.
So it’s probably time to take out the other windows laptop I have that’s slow and needs a reinstall. Now only if I had a windows install key. I guess I’ll actually have to get one.

>>37715
By charger do you mean the cable? As long as the connection to the PC is the same, they're almost all interchangeable. Unless you're faffing about with a Mac.

Today was one of those days when I wonder why I even bothered to go in. Had two classes, and in the remaining two we were arranged for a movie screening.
They fucked around with the tech for half of the time and in the other half of our allotted time I got to see the Hungarian dub of Shrek halfway through.

That movie was fucking VIOLATED by the internet during the past 20 years. It's basically become unwatchable thanks to the memes.

Today I read half of Dovlatov's novel titled Pushkin Hills. It's not hochliteratur, but very good none the less. I laughed out loud multiple times while reading it in public.
On a superficial level it kind of parallels Péter Hajnóczy's works. (In the choice of "suffering alcoholic intelligentsia in a socialist country" as a topic. Except in this book almost everybody drinks constantly.)

Tech is getting on my nerves again. I hate that I have to kind of keep jury rigging things. It's like as if I was some sort of barbarian that can't handle tech despite living in its shadow for 20 years.
Why the fuck do computers break? Curse you, John von Neumann!

I don't want to go in tomorrow. I'm so fucking tired and it'll be such a fucking long day.
No idea why I feel so hysterical and needy, but it's awful.

>>37716
Yeah, it's pretty generic, but at that point I might as well throw in the extra cash and buy a windows key and reinstall the other laptop to fix it. Though I'm using it right now and it's perfectly fine performance wise. Don't know what happened.

Gonna try some vidya to test it after the anti-virus stopped scanning.

>>37713
>>37713
You've done more than most channers.
try the god-pill, the stoic-pill or the inthewoods-pill.
Routine will always be preferable to no routine.

Pretty much wasted the whole day yesterday, though at least I managed to do some low-end tasks like cleaning up my Downloads folder & doing some research on vaporizers. Also we finally got a 100 Mbit connection, after I've been suffering here with 6 Mbit for a long time. It's crazy how this actually is a qualitative change in the way one can use the internet, now I can basically just watch any movie or play any game on a whim, no need to plan ahead and torrent for hours/days.

Today I had a first proper look at the CMS I'll be using for wörk, and to my utter awe it seems to be even worse than SharePoint. Can't say I'm exactly looking forward to using the piece of shit.

>>37647
Happy belated birthday!

>>37718

>throw in the extra cash and buy a windows key

This gave me an bruh moment
There are so many ways to waste money, but this has to be one of the most boring ones. Just get an activator or ready-made ISO from:
https://www.reddit.com/r/piracy/wiki/tools#wiki_windows.2Foffice_activation_tools
http://w12.monkrus.ws/
There's literally no reason to pay for a Windows key as a private person.

>>37713

>I will forever take twice as long to complete anything than normal people do.

You have to consider that most "normal" people actually don't achieve anything in life. So if that's any consolation, even if it takes you twice the time, the end result will be the same :^)
On a more serious note, I can relate, though probably on a smaller scale. Maybe you need someone to hold you accountable, if you can't do it yourself.

>>37718

>They fucked around with the tech for half of the time

A school and university classic. A must on any bingo about these places.

>Shrek was 20 years ago

pics related

Today I bought fishsauce for thai omlette and read for my upcoming paper and for a small exam in literary studies. Will close the day by letting my browser read out articles from https://plato.stanford.edu aloud Realism or Rationalism vs. Empiricism

Just hit up every single of my tinder matches again to accompany me to the opera on friday. This kind of stupidity should work

>>37726
Only now I realize how drunk I was last evening. Kinda feels like I'm getting old.
But I actually want to go and see that opera and I wouldn't have anything against a young pretty girl accompanying me.

Had one of those "more real than reality" dreams. Those fucking suck, especially when you wake up and start transitioning into your detached, depersonalized state, while the memories of being immersed and lucid in the dream are still lingering.
At least it wasn't about being back in school, or going to a road trip with my family. Interesting how I feel a much more intense sense of nostalgia for those times as depicted in the dreams, rather than how they were in real life. Probably because in real life, they were traumatic experiences.

>>37719
Thing is, I'm trying the "dedicate life to a craft" pill, but it isn't working out.
Now I'm on an idiotic schedule where I draw every day on the peaks of my mania neglecting everything else, do some chores during the transition period, and then be a useless piece of shit on my down days. No way to live.

>>37742
I had a school dream the other night. It was weird, running almost like a slightly parallel universe version of the real life events, where the same things happened just with slight variations. It was way more ebin than real life though, woke up feeling bad man.

Got my big promotion to spaceman as soon as I finish with all the transfer and renewed clearance nonsense.

To think, I was originally just beefing up my cv ahead of a legal career. Guess that's fucked now but earning a third the pay doesn't seem so bad considering my comfy hours, interesting work and my colleagues aren't awful people. Almost feels grown-up.

>>37726
They'll probably think that you're a sugar daddy :D

Got up on the wrong side of bed today. I forgot to re-activate my alarm, but despite this, I woke up probably an hour or a half before it should have went off.
Before that, I had weird dreams about a non-existent Babits poem titled Spring Laziness. I dreamt of reading textbooks and analyses of it.

Anyway, I got up, got ready, and then went in. Was 2 minutes late for class, and I was in a bad mood so I couldn't be arsed to care about Thomas Mann's "great" novella.

>So, Ernst, is the introduction, this 10 or so lines, interesting?
>No, ma'am.
>It is.

Then I was asked to talk about the structure of the work, and honestly, it required a great deal of willpower to do so. Fuck off, can't you see I can't decide whether to cry or to kick someone over?

I brought some tea with me to survive through the day, but it's like as if it had got rotten on the way to school or something. I sipped down two cups during the first period before deciding to just pour it down the drain. Awful.

Then my mood got progressively better as the day went on. Got a card from my history teacher. He collected the names of some modern Russian writers who might interest me after he saw me reading Dovlatov.

During an empty period I went out of school to buy some food and a can of energy drink. In the store I met up with my fellow students, doing the same thing. We paid and then loudly and joyously walked back to school, entering the library. We barged in and interrupted a drama class, but we didn't care, and I immediately looked for a book I told one of my friends about. So we got the book, walked out, and it was glorious.

Then before literature class, we talked shit about sex, nationalism and music. Turns out I'm a prude.

I'm almost done with reading Dovlatov's Pushkin Hills. Great book. Only five pages left, but I wanted to get some tech related stuff done when I got home.

>>37721
It cost me less than five euros for a key :D
Half the cost of a new charger, but it doesn't matter, because it wasn't the charger but something inside the laptop that gave up the ghost.
Thank God I had 500 IQ moment and saved a copy of my library catalogue on my external drive. Imagine having to check a ~630 book collection to see what's already catalogued and what isn't.
One minute of silence for this good piece of tech that served my family for more than a decade. This is what I wrote my translations on, it was my workhorse in a sense.

>>37722

>>Shrek was 20 years ago

lolwut, I'm a 20yo Zoomer and I swear I remember seeing it in theaters when I was a toddler (I probably just saw one of the sequels).

>>37757

>Shrek is a 2001 American computer-animated comedy film loosely based on the 1990 fairytale picture book of the same name by William Steig.

>>37757
I'm pretty sure I got it on video cassette back then.

I could ask where as the time gone, but answering the question is only opening flood gates of regrets and passed opportunities with sweet bits blinking up here and there.

I've been reorganizing some of the random music on my mp3 player. I keep loose songs sorted into playlists, but there are a few old ones which I don't listen to anymore-or at least when I do, I end up skipping a lot of tracks. So, it was time to pare them down and make room for some new stuff(to be clear, I'm not deleting anything from my hard drive, just from the music player where there are space limitations).
Final statistics over the past 2 days:
6 playlists, 202 songs removed saving 587 mb
In retrospect, those lists really were too large. Now that I've cut them in half, the size is about right and I should do less skipping.

>>37713
>>37742
I don't know how much drawing you do on down days, but simply opening up an art file and making a random line every day might help keep a project "alive" until you can get back to it. It won't make you finish any faster, but could counter the desire to just start over on something new.
If you already open the file daily, then kindly ignore this suggestion. I only mention it because of personal experience; if I don't keep regular tabs on something, then it will inevitably fall into the pile of things I'll never finish. If I do regularly open something, I can stick to it for months.

>>37754
Congratulations.

>>37756

>One minute of silence for this good piece of tech that served my family for more than a decade.

Pressing F to pay respects.

I suffer from ultra hard Insomnia.
My organism thinks that night is ~7am-3pm and any attempts to change it failed. R8 and kill me please

I'm beginning to have a really bad feeling about the mover I've been trying to hire. Like the fucking guy hung up on me and just has been extra uncommunicative. I'm also beginning to question his "family business" advertisement as if it could be a double entendre. This is because of the fact that I live in a mob town. Or he could just be a bit of an overworked ass I don't know but I'm starting to think I should just cancel on him and go with the other guy who's double the price. But then again, I got a bad feeling about him too. I'm actually not entirely sure what to do at this point and beginning to deeply regret my overreliance on craigslist because it hadn't even dawned on me that there's actual moving services.

>>37771
I know this feel. Oh lawd do I know this feel. Actually my best question to ask you is: do you not have a job? Because I have found that having a job that requires you to get up super early all the time and that is a bit mentally and physically demanding (I deal with hundreds of people on a weekly basis and am always active) can really help to ease out of that and try and maintain a regular schedule with some discipline. Of course I can still often stay up until 3:00am which just sucks the life out of you if you don't manage to sleep until like 4:00 and get up two hours later. Also being able to sleep in a bit later. Not sure what the deal is but I've gotten myself to a semi normal schedule. I think that drinking half the coffee I used to also helps, and I'm not sure what being sober has accomplished but in general I can consistently maintain getting up before 10:00am every day.

Of course, if I hadn't a job I'm pretty sure that I'd just start getting up in the middle of the afternoon again eventually and not sleeping until dawn.

I read a theory actually about it being a, not sure the word for it not tribal, primitive, vestigial, (primordial? wtf is the word I'm looking for this is bugging me) some word for an old artifact of our pre history tribal lifestyle where it was a survival mechanism. It's the sentinel theory that some of us simply had a gene for where we slept until late in the day and spent all night awake because it enhanced the survival odds of our social group by having one or a few individuals who could simply stay up all night and be alert watchdogs for the group while the rest slept. We are the primeval watchguards of society. We are the ones who in a preindustrial natural era would be at our guard posts standing vigil.

But of course now that we have the industrialized society with all the weird abnormal to natural human sensibility shit of the last hundred years which has rendered us obsolete and nonfunctional so we're just playing games and shitposting online instead of doing our natural duties. I don't think I'd ever feel truly comfortable doing anything that isn't investigative, analytical, intelligence or detective work or journalism even, keeping watch for all potential threats on the horizon, until my watch has ended.

What's the best way to kill yourself? I'd thought about to do what Harry Haller in Hesses Steppenwolf planned to do at 50, but only that I do it at 30 (so I'd still have 7 years left to live).
I had often fantasized about a gun and the coolness it would send off when I push it again my forehead.
Really I cant stax much longer living for now. I only don't do it yet brcause I'd feel bad for my friends and family. luxury problems if you like.
But really=, whats the easiest and most painless way to do it9

probabkx I,ll even kill myself sooner bc I drink like a pig. I eish wouldnt. But I am to deeply caufht in desperate unrequited love and self hate. I m just waiting until my liver gives up so I can finally sleep.
sorry for saying such things even though I,d habe good oppprtunitie being a decent journalist amd writer but i camt love and kive anore. so i eill jist continen auntl i die

>>37775
>>37776
There is no best way. Every way is as stupid as any other, because suicide is pointless by design.

Reminds me of that one time in the mental ward when me and another schizo were discussing various suicide methods, and pros and cons of each. In morbid detail.
Some neurotypical in our room freaked out and got verbally aggressive, called the orderlies. I was in good terms with the staff, so I convinced them that the guy was having a psychotic episode and he got taken away into another room.
I became an outcast after that.

Good times.

>>37780
Maybe he was some sort of suicide pro and got butthurt listening to two noobs, like, "fucking greenhorns, you know shit, here's how you do it properly, my grandpa did it like that, my dad did it like that, I did it like that a hundred of times, and every time it was successful, so listen here..." :-DDDDDDD

>>37775
Quit drinking, it makes the Häufchen out of you that you think you are.
I often fantasized about killing myself, dunno, a few years later I don't see the point really anymore. I understand the "freedom" but I'm too curious and I still strive for pleasure, I don't see how a lost telos or supposed entity is identical to absolute meaninglessness. 23 is too young to consider that your life will be like that until it ends. Cool down the pressure you put upon yourself, it's not like you don't have chances to fulfill what you think is a missing piece.

also I have to think of what I read about Kant, modernity and romanticism yesterday evening... maybe another time

The thing with vodka is that I know how much a cup of vodka is. I know how much it'll kick me in the head after I drink it.
Now, with whisky, I have no fucking idea. A whisky glass is bigger, but apparently whisky has the same alcohol volume as a vodka, if not higher.
I didn't know that. I just randomly poured some into the glass and drank it yesterday, and it was like getting kicked by a horse.

Today I'll clean out my room. It's in complete disarray because I keep leaving textbooks and pieces of paper out and about.
I'll also reainstall this fucking computer.

After that, I'll research the names and works of the Russian authors who I've been recommended yesterday. Both the card and Bavarian-Ernst mentioned Moskva-Petushki, so that's a definite cop, and by the looks it was just reprinted again in 2018 in a nice edition by a good publisher. The stars have aligned.
I think I'm about to fall into another rabbit hole. Good bye, Grandma's cash-gift, I'm buying more books!

>>37781
Nah, he was a weirdo, but not that kind.
Long story short, he was bullied in the army, and one day grabbed a loaded ak 47 and held one of his bullies hostage. He was on psych examination at the ward, I think they took him away to gulag in the end.

There was a fair number of phonies in there, though. You could immediately tell just by the look in their eyes, and their behavior. Not sure if the doggtors don't recognize them, don't care, or have to do everything by the book even if it's obvious that the guy is simulating.

Also, the schizo guy told me about a trick to identify real ones from the fake ones. When you pass them by in the corridor, take a swing at them, but stop before contact. If they dodge, recoil, or react quickly, they're a phony. If they don't react or react slowly, they're probably real. Not sure how legit it is, I'm guessing it's only an indicator for illnesses with downer effects, or a test for proper level of sedation.

>>37773
Currently I work at home, but when I don't I still feel like shit first half of day, then when get back sleep all evening, get up at night and then not sleep all night. Thing is, it might be connected to how my organism also feel polar night\polar day cycle.

Bank security questions are always anything but secure; the only one here that couldn't be found in easily accessible family records is who was my prom date but it's don't ;_;.

>>37802
Even then the list of valid English female names is short enough to be easily brute forced.

I thought "secret questions" were disposed of in the 2000s, since they're such a glaring security hole. in the early days of "social media" (more like instant messengers), they were the #1 cause of account hijacking.

>>37802
I'm surprised they don't have a "childhood hero" option. I always used to take that one, and then I would lie because I didn't want the site to know too much about me :^D

We went to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. (We agreed a week in advance that we'd to this on Saturday, because everybody is free on Saturday.)
I imagined we'd go to a fancy Budapest restaurant with live jazz music and champagne and good food.
My father went beyond my wildest dreams and instead picked a shitty dime-a-dozen restaurant in a village. This dining establishment was quite repulsive. Only a couple was in the restaurant besides us in the small restaurant. In reality, it was a regular village house that was repurposed into a restaurant.
On the walls hanged old rusty swords and old, rusty household utilities to give the below average place an aura of "authenticity".
I really wanted to drink something to get rid of my anger and disappointment. I asked for some tequila, since I never had tequila. They didn't have any so.
So in the end, I went with jägermeister. My father only permitted me 3cl of alcohol, but when he ordered, he didn't specify the amount, so the waiter brought out the larger serving of 5cl. Jägermeister is a pretty pleasant drink.

Anyway, the food was mediocre at best (which they compensated with the large portion sizes), and I'm disappointed because I had any expectations at all and I thought I could be a bourgeois for one night. But I guess that's impossible.
It's the worst feeling. I feel both angry and guilty at the same time. Horrible.

I spent 15 euros on books. Mainly on Russian stuff. Ordered of copy of Master and Margaritha, Adventures of Private Ivan Chonkin and Moskva-Petushki.
M&M I'm going to need for class, the other two I'm going to read out of pure curiosity.

From tomorrow 'till Thursday I'm going to run the household alone because my parents are going on a trip. Basically I'll have to make sure that my lazy sister wakes up and goes to school, and I also have to cook.

I keep having weird dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was giving directions in the tube to one of my classmates who I despise. He was asking how to get to Hong Kong. Told him, "That way! I pass through it every day, I just never get off!"
What the fuck does the Budapest metro and the dumb as a rock retard have to do anything with Hong Kong? What do I have to do with Hong Kong?
These fucking dreams are killing me.

>>37802
Can't you just write in some random shit and then write it down onto a piece of paper to not forget it?
Honestly, that's what I did with my first e-mail address. Not like I ever needed this function during the past 12 years.

>>37817

>What do I have to do with Hong Kong?

You clearly want a scholarship to study at University of Hong Kong. With all the unrest and plague you won't have competition.
Might want to get yourself checked out by a psychiatrist though, anyone rational would do Peking or somewhere pleasant like Shenyang.

>>37726
No one wants to go to the opera on a first date.
As the other Brit says tinder is only for validation for thots.

>>37775
Warm bath, opiates and wine, cut arteries.
Or drunk, bridge jump in water at night.
However don't kill yourself, depression is normal and indicates a need for change

>>37839
Going to the mainland by choice.
Ave Maria.

>>37782
Yes, thanks for your words. I decided to cut it at least up until the end of May. However I will allow myself still taking some kratom or a mushroom once a week or four times a month, cause it doesn't wear me down as much as the alcohol does (and doesn't shorten my life as dramatically).
Instead I'll focus more my work and try to find a decent internship or start the studies.
Even though the latter option get's me a bit anxious, cause I'd had to start at scratch again with german literature, having all those Erstsemester people around me.
I looked forward to the online journalism studies cause it would have been a small course with a strict time table, but when it comes to german literature my uni has one of the biggest institutes, which means that your co-students change with every course and you can freely chose your time-table (which is useless extra work, cause you have to do all of the courses anyways). Should be better with slavic studies though.

>>37857
thinking about killing yourself, going to take mushrooms once a week, wtf.
If you can't respect drugs, you should not take them.
No sane person takes mushrooms once a week.
I know bored teenagers have taken mushrooms more than once a week does not make it a good idea.

>>37857
I have nothing against drugs, since I take some of them randomly at times, but I cut it down to nearly zero because most of the times it fucks me up too much, because I'm already quite down/depressive myself. So drugs are a "no way" when they do more harm than what they are supposed to do in exchange. Mental and bodily stability should rule over drugs intake when it comes to longer periods. So destabilization for a few hours while the drugs do their work is fine, unless tho, this exceeds into the daily non-high life with notable or even horrid impact. That was the case with me, so I had to "quit" means I never said: "never ever again" but simply, not now, not now, not now ad infinitum, or until the moment I say, ok now it's the right moment to do some drugs because I suppose my overall stability is not in danger by doing some speed or cocaine or psychedelics or whatever it is

Regarding the study thing I did not understand what your the trouble is you expect it to be? Starting from scratch or having changing classmates?

>>37860
I realized this btw when I was 22-23, I started studying for the second time with 23 and still did drugs once a month or so, with 24 I think I got my first real gf, haden't taken any drugs by then for months.
You are already making progress in various things, frustration is inevitable but I hope you overcome those barriers that are showing up while living. After all I guess barriers and fiddling out the way around it, over it or taking an alternative route are part of all this.

Everything feels off, somehow. The way I sleep, the way I do things. Everything is hazy.
Last month my father installed a shutter on my window. Since then, I've been sleeping in a pitch-black room. While my quality of sleep is better, it feels incredibly weird to sleep 6-7 hours.

Last Friday, I forgot to set my alarm up, and despite this, my eyes just simply popped open 30 minutes before the alarm was supposed to be set.

Currently I'm finalizing my university application.
Basically I've applied to the Sinology course at ELTE, and plan B is that I'd study Mongolian (epic meme I know) for a semester if I don't get accepted and then switch to Sinology.
The barrier of entry is even lower than I thought.
Out of 500 possible points, last year you needed 346 to get accepted to the Sinology course. As things are right now, I have almost 100 from my 11th grade grades, and 148 from just my English exam I did in 2018.
Piss easy, I just have to not fuck up the maths matura and the history matura needs to be close to 90%. I want it to turn out good.

I filled out a test to see what the man recommends I study based on my personality, and it told me I should go into administration. I feel Kafka's hands on my shoulder. Ernst Ernstovich, administrator by day, translator and amateur orientalist by night. Died of alcoholism at 31.

Even this Ceylon tea tastes off. It's like as if it had rotten or something. Has a strange, tangent fruity aftertaste.

I've been looking at some old files. Powerpoint presentations I did for school in 2015-16-17. Made me feel a strange sense of melancholy. Where did the time go, and despite not fucking up anything, it makes me ask the question, where did it all go so wrong?.
Is 20 too early to be on the verge of tears thinking about the past?

Vanilla scented tealights and tea makes me recall all those nights I spent working on that novel translation, sitting besides the little Japanese style table, listening to koto music and propaganda music that glorified hard work and struggle.

I have a history essay to write for tomorrow. I also have to look through some of the maths I need to know for tomorrow's test. Basically tomorrow decides my grade for the end of the year. Maths is super important, but I always neglected it.

You know what, it's probably just all the melancholic lo-fi music I keep listening to.
Kinda want to skip class tomorrow. But it'd look bad. Mum and dad go on a holiday, and my first action would be skipping class. Can't do that.

The laptop isn't any faster with windows reinstalled. So I'll guess I'll have to try fixing the PC. An internal drive isn't really all that expensive by the look of it. That's all I need.

>>37839
The strange thing is, sometimes my dreams do have a bit of foreshadowing in them.

>>37873

>Everything feels off, somehow. The way I sleep, the way I do things. Everything is hazy.
>Last month my father installed a shutter on my window. Since then, I've been sleeping in a pitch-black room. While my quality of sleep is better, it feels incredibly weird to sleep 6-7 hours.
>Last Friday, I forgot to set my alarm up, and despite this, my eyes just simply popped open 30 minutes before the alarm was supposed to be set.

If you feel off by sleeping less than 8 hours, but still feel rested, then you could try some light exercise to make your body need more sleep (though as studious as you are you likely have no time).

>I filled out a test to see what the man recommends I study based on my personality, and it told me I should go into administration.

I wonder how I could find a test like that; every one that I've ever seen was aimed at high school kids...

>I've been looking at some old files. Powerpoint presentations I did for school in 2015-16-17. Made me feel a strange sense of melancholy. Where did the time go, and despite not fucking up anything, it makes me ask the question, where did it all go so wrong?.
>Is 20 too early to be on the verge of tears thinking about the past?

These feelings can happen at any time with or without a reason; perhaps you just feel compelled to them by the beauty of a blue mood itself, in spite of the rosy future you seem to be earning yourself atm.

>The strange thing is, sometimes my dreams do have a bit of foreshadowing in them.

This is a dangerous thing to believe: if you're not religious then you could start to believe in kooky supernatural phenomena or become solipsistic, and if you are religious then you could develop a complex of believing yourself to be a prophet receiving visions from D-g.

It’s fucked. Can’t find the textbook, the essay lays unfinished. Fuck this, I’m skipping classes. Not like it’s much, nothing special, just history and maths.

>>37858

>No sane person takes mushrooms once a week.

This. You're going to fuck yourself up permanently.

>>37873
You just sound stressed. The waking up early is a tell-tale sign of this.

>Can’t find the textbook, the essay lays unfinished.

REEEE just write gibberish if you have to. What the fuck are you doing?

>>37899

>No time and/or no textbook

Tell your teacher that your computer broke. I mean, it's technically true right? Buys an extension unless they're a complete dick.

So I'm starting to be slightly less stressed out and slightly more excited for the move. I've still got a lot of shit to do though but I think it's really not all that bad and it's probably just gonna boil down to the moment of truth within like two hours of my movers coming here because that's just about the amount of time I'm going to have and it's going to take me to empty out all my fish tanks and make sure that there's no extra fish swimming around anywhere and that everything's fine. I'm somewhat sure that probably first thing in the morning I should be doing is going out and purchasing the lumber that the fuckin hardware store can't be arsed to cut for me because reasons and so I'm going to have to buy it and then go out into the parking lot and cut it my own damn self.

>>37901
These constant yli raids are proof that Ernst is the true successor to the gay sea.

>>37903

>raids

It is one mentally challenged person, what raids?
Also, mods can just ban ability to post same picture twise.

You know what I hate? When in russia Marshmallow often translated as Zephyr, making confusion with real Zephyr. people outside former Russian empire don't even know what the hell is Zephyr, and looks like people here don't even know what Marshmallow is still.

>>37908

>zephyr

These things are cursed. Even getting a whiff of one gives me an irresistible craving almost on par with nicotine withdrawal.

t. fatso

>>37899

>This. You're going to fuck yourself up permanently.

>>37858

>No sane person takes mushrooms once a week.

I would suspect that the weekly thing is more to kratom than mushrooms, but nonetheless taking psychedelics that often won't be good, agreed.

It's as if I had lost the textbook on my way home or something. It's not on the family bookshelf, not on my bookshelf, not in my sister's room, not in the pile of textbooks etc.
It's like as if it evaporated or something.

I stayed home and studied today. Maths isn't that hard. Everything's in the yellow book anyway. Still can't stomach Mann's novella. I read some from a book about the history of the Hungarian language. Mainly about the late 18th early 19th century period when the "language renewal" was in full swing.
Still, I feel like a useless piece of shit.

It just started raining. I have my hopes up that his is the "breaking point" and it'll make me feel better.

>>37908
I always mix up zephyr with sapphire for some reason.

>Marshmallow

Never had a more disgusting sweet in my life. Can't fathom how people can like this yank-wank.

>>37913

>Never had a more disgusting sweet in my life. Can't fathom how people can like this yank-wank.

"yank-wank" lol

For the most part I agree with you. I haven't eaten marshmallows in a long time.
The last time I distinctly remember eating lots of these was in scouts. There is a game called "Chubby Bunny", where people try to stuff as many marshmallows as possible into their mouths. People are eliminated if they have to stop stuffing marshmallows, and the last one standing wins.
I disliked marshmallows by themselves. However, I remember really liking smores (biscuit sandwich with toasted marshmallow and chocolate in the middle).
Smores really feel like a sweet that can only be eaten rarely, as otherwise you'd get tired of it.

>>37918

>Smores really feel like a sweet that can only be eaten rarely, as otherwise you'd get tired of it.

This. I make them every few months, and that's enough to satisfy the craving. It's really the best thing you can do with marshmallows, although Fluff and peanut butter are pretty good together, too.

>>37899
>>37899
>>37858
Do you guys even take those drugs? The impression I get is that taking mushrooms once per week would make you more sane if anything. I think the drug you're thinking of is acid. Now that one I personally would not and can see it eventually wearing down one's sanity after several months of weekly use but mushrooms? I'm not so sure of that. Granted I only took them once but I quit drinking for several days and probably had I kept taking them once every weekend I actually would've saved my sanity and recovered probably at least several lost years of my life if only I'd kept listening the mushrooms.

Instead, I only took them once and after about a week of not drinking proceeding very quickly returning to being a complete fuckass and eventually lost my mind and suffered harm greatly as a result, which I'd only not considered horrifically regretful probably because my ego kept rationalizing it to myself as "some kind of a lesson" which it honest to God wasn't. I sincerely would've been so much more massively better off had I simply taken mushrooms once a weekend for several months. I'd probably have been much less of an unempathetic egotistical asshole too. I'd also likely have much, much more money right now as well had I simply kept taking mushrooms.

>>37912 (also to all others who replied)
This, I'm speaking of 4 consumption days a month involving either Kratom or Mushrooms. As I greatly prefer the effects of Kratom it will mostly be Kratom. But shrooms (kinda low dose, 1g) are a drug I feel safe with and that usually left me better off than before after consumption, I doesn't kill my overall mood, it doesn't kill my liver and the day after or even hours after I can read, write and work. Plus I don't lose my head and become emotional as it happens with alcohol. Generally it would be indeed better to reduce consumption even more or do it the way you described it, but this kind of learning process isn't easy for me.

Intermission: Yesterday I read a bit into borderline personality disorder and there are quite huge indications that it accurately describes what I suffer from with exception of self-hurt. The mindless drinking and money spending, the instable life plans, the excessive fear of being abandoned in romantic relationships and it's effects (reading about the experiences of women witb borderline men helped to see the similarities), the emotional outbursts and the occasional dissociation etc. (le online test says it's severe BPD and I should get treatment asap :DD). I plan to call a therapy institute for borderliners next week and set up a first session to get the
opinion of a professional and to deal better with my feelings on the long run - also to make sure that I don't hurt people anymore as I did.

Study "problems": I'll be 23 this year and start for the third time (btw it eases my fears that you kind of went through sames). So far I never made it past the first classes. I only ever wrote one homework/Hausarbeit and at the end I did not ask for my grade and just gave up again, building up other plans for my future. Now this plans at least partially worked out but still I see that most companies only hire people with a degree. Only today I sent in an application for an internship in a PR-Agency which would take 6 months, which I would prefer to going back to studies again in summer. Nonetheless I registered fir 4 courses for summer semester and instantly I had to think of my time at the university and how I never really got along. Always stopped at some point and also never socialized with co-students.

Now the last time I visited a university cours is almost 2 years ago and since then a lot of things happened and I progressed.
Still I feel nervous about it, especially linguistics (german literature and language BA).
And then the classes, having a massive and even specialized knowledge in my subject and having to somehow explain that I still have to visit the absolute beginner classes.

But all of this talk is foam, I should go in there with a me ne frego attitude and just do what I need to.
It's just that with getting confronted with all that stuff again I always get taken back to the times back then.

Should I visit the "socializing week" for first semester students?
I've only did it once at the very neginning of my study days and I remember it as a quite bitter experience: the first bar we entered the group was parted in two. One part of the group was like 5/6 of the students and the other 1/6 were the slow ones not getting with the others at the same time and sitting back at another table. I only could somehow enjoy it because I started to drink and drink more and at the end of the night I was hammered. The people I sat with weren't exciting but they were people at least, could have helped me by sending informations and talking about stuff so you move forwards better. A certain stability.

Next day at the uni I saw the only girl I knew from the evening before standing among the crowded room (we're a quite big uni) and I instantly panicked about walking up to her when I realized that she acknowledged me.

But it reminds me that back then I basically had no self-confidence at all (uni was hust the first place to hit me hard with the realization because all along school I've always been in the same group of friends) and were quite overweight. Now it's much better but quite instable in return.
But now that I write all of this down I have a good feeling this time, maybe because I this time go in with an identity, clear aspirations in life and knowledge of my abilities.

I had some thinking done after the depressive period. I just need to dump them somewhere so that they don't eat away at me.

I am having doubts on whether I am "artist material", by the definition of art that I personally subscribe to. Sure, I think about Art with capital A quite a lot, and place great value on it, even as far as saying it's probably the only worthwhile, valuable and "real" thing there is. But what I actually enjoy doing, or at least find easy to engage with and focus on, is as far from that as it gets. I'm interested in the techniques, technologies and mediums. Sort of the constraints and frameworks that art can exist within. Every drawing I've attempted was essentially an exploration of what can be expressed in the "language" of a particular style or medium, or system. But I've never really had anything to express with that language. Nothing that wasn't trite anyway.
The thing that I deem most important not being the thing I actually enjoy doing is a conflict I'm not sure how I can resolve. Some people say that this is the kind of situation where one becomes a critic, commentator or journalist, but I have a strong distaste for those occupations. I think they miss the point. What is important about art is not what can be said about it. "The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao", and all that.
I have a bunch of conflicts in the makeup of my soul that halt my every effort.

_
I was helping my mom do some work, and became very frustrated with her coworker's inability to figure out how to send a large file through the internet. Her inability to do something that takes a few minutes added several hours of work on my end, disrupting my sleep cycle yet again. I called the coworker a dumb cow. My mom chastised me for that, saying how I should not denigrate "normal, good, hard working people" for something that is out of their hands.
Now the question is, does it make me a judgmental person for cursing a someone who did not know they were doing anything wrong? Or does it make them a bad person for making me pay the price of their ignorance? Am I expecting too much, or are they not considerate enough? I have a feeling that people are not ashamed to be ignorant in this country, while for me, it is the greatest sin. Or maybe I'm just one of the poor suckers who doomed themselves by becoming aware of the depths of their ignorance, when I could've been a blessed idiot making the aforementioned unfortunates suffer the consequences.

_
There is this girl in the art community I post on. She's only recently turned 20, but really likes giving life advice and guidance as if she's wise and experienced. Another thing about her is that her life seems to have gone without a hitch up to this point. Basically if you're a parent and plan out the life and academic development of your child up to their 20s, that's what she has. She was introduced to at in her teenage years and was encouraged, she's studying mechanical engineering, no mental or domestic problems. I do think she means well when giving out advice, but there's something about it that doesn't sit well with me. I have a certain prejudice against "good" people, people who can afford to be good, helpful or kind due to their comfortable or fortunate life circumstances. It feels unearned, in a way. They didn't overcome their bitterness and jadedness to arrive at goodness of heart. They simply defaulted to it. They feel fake, not in that they act fake or are posers, but in that not having had the fundamental experience of suffering makes them incomplete.

During an unrelated conversation, she said that she tries not to act judgmental, but internally, she judges people. And that if despite having bad thoughts, you say good things, in the end you're a good person. I object to that. I think value honesty and truth more than the outcome of that honesty, good or bad. If having ugly thoughts is a sin, then disguising those thoughts is a lie, which rather than making it right, just makes two sins. I feel like there's some vanity to it, like trying to conceal or remedy the more fundamental flaw of not being empathetic, by being outwardly nice. And maybe that lack of empathy is the result of having such a smooth life. And how beneficial can such advice be, when it's not something that was informed by your own experiences, but merely something that you would expect a nice person to say? You are only exhibiting expected behavior, rather than having an authentic internal experience. Some chinese room experiment thing going on there.
But that's just my envy talking. Some people are just winners.

I'm really hoping the move goes off well. I took omeprazole for the first time in awhile just from all the churning stomach acid. Well here goes nothing I guess right? I think that at least I should finally be a bit more comfortable even though it'll make my commute more of a bitch in the morning and I'll quite possibly have more nosy neighbors rather than how secluded I am now. I'm also still pretty pissed at Trump actually. Apparently SNAP is a federal program which means the maximum amount of food benefits itself has been cut in half and of that I'm not sure how I'll even manage to qualify, which sucks because I'm flat broke now. I've been having to buy new everything because even the damn shower curtains and window blinds don't come with the apartment thus making how marginally cheaper it is only become a great deal in the long run as I've had to splurge on all kinds of stupid shit and because I want to pay next month rent early I'm going to have literally no money at all for at least a week. In spite of this I'm not sure how I can even get my food card which prior to that fucking boomer's change to SNAP I'd been relying on as a thing I thought I could use to take the pressure off. Clearly I'm not paying off my student loans at all this year and I've already had it on hold for so damn long but whatever.

At the very least I should theoretically be able to get more comfortable now, it's just going to be incredibly hectic and threadbare all this week between work and unpacking/moving and getting myself situated. I'm sure I'm going to start remembering a million little important things that I actually need and I don't have too but again, whatever. It's just the food card that's been bothering me and pissing me off because other than rent it's been my single biggest cost.

>>37925
Visual art isn't my domain, but I would think it's much harder to express abstract concepts in a purely visual medium, especially if you're into the highly technical side of things. How do you visualize human suffering and its causes? How do you visualize truth? Of course, somehow a man managed to find the pursuit of truth in the creation of an operating system, so I think it's possible with anything, but I don't envy your position.

Have you thought about working as part of a team on a graphic novel or video game or some other multi-media project? Combining visual art with another medium can produce something greater than the sum of its parts. I don't think you could imagine Disco Elysium without its art style - the person behind it is as responsible for its greatness as are the people doing the writing and programming. And that the artist's work is enhanced by its place in the greater project, to the same degree that it enhances the project.

__
I've had lengthy and complex thoughts on this myself, and as someone who exists in a perpetual state of suffering and alienation, I have to agree with the preppy 20-year old. Unless someone is consciously trying to harm someone else, it's almost always better to withhold judgement. There comes a point at which personal weakness does become blameworthy, but that's only when you're in a relationship with binding duties towards someone else, and your weakness causes you to fail at those duties. But even then, I'd lean towards leniency as long as a sincere effort has been made, especially in regard to mostly involuntary relationships like family.

Honesty is even more complicated. I don't think the Dao of honesty can be put into words. You just have to decide in each case which is better, brutal honesty or white lies.

>>37924
Go to the introduction week perhaps there is activity without going to a bar. In the beginner classes you could try to make smalltalk with students who also seem new. I remember when a few years back, already studying history for a few semester I changed my minor to literature and went to the beginner class( introduction to literary studies. There was this girl sitting next to me and asking if this will be introduction to literary studies and I just replied

>Well, I hope so smiles

After that nothing was coming from my mouth, but instead of keeping silence you could ask like, new as well? asking the typical questions, where you from etc. oh really etc, I mean every new student is happy to break the silence and not sit in the class room like they have nobody which is a great fear. When I started for the second time, I wasn't caring, I still visit most classes alone, in 4-5 years I made one friend more or less, met my ex gf, and have a handful of contacts, which means small talks that can go a bit deeper than just university topics. That is it. Why can I do it that way? Because I have friends, who don't attend university, I see regulary (1-4 times a month) which is "enough". Ofc I would like to know more of the women, but that's another thing.

>Still I feel nervous about it, especially linguistics (german literature and language BA).

Indeed, linguistics is not easy to manage I guess. It's only ever part of Germanistik, not Literaturwissenschaft, lucky me.

>And then the classes, having a massive and even specialized knowledge in my subject and having to somehow explain that I still have to visit the absolute beginner classes.

Didn't get that one. I mean you privately engage with literature and have knowledge and you are afraid to explain that you still take the beginner class? Nobody will care! lecturers will like you for actually saying something and other students will be impressed of your knowledge and built up inner fear because they don't know so much. Given btw. that you also already know all the theoretical stuff like Erzähltheorie etc. because if you don't, you will learn that, it's on of your tools for textual analysis.

Go to your classes, try to talk to people, read your texts and engage in discussion/questions, make plans how to read and write papers/for classes. Write up deadlines and if you can't do shit at home because of distraction, park your ass in the library. Worked for me and I still need to to it most of the times.
I hope you have the motivation to pull thru, don't get frustrated too fast and remember that literary studies/Germanistik is not literary criticism. I noticed this and it's a common mistake that people don't know their concepts and talking about the novels etc you read becomes "stomach" based which is not really desired, at least not for the whole time.
I dived into the secondary literature of Thomas Bernhard as I'm writing a paper for one of his novels, and man, while gaining insights from that secondary literature the novel unfolds layers and details no critic will come close, it's like opening the back/front of a clock and behind it is a complex clockwork doing its thing, don't expect absolute knowledge over the novel/clockwork tho, the magic won't perish! The best part is, I can still enjoy the novel for what it is, but simultaniously I notice how I spot the workings of the novel, intertextual references and symbols. So yeah, studying literature as minor helped me (and that is why I chose to study it) to engage with literature more deeper and go behind the mere "enjoyment" of reading a literary text. Seeing how clever a novel is made can be enjoying as well. But that is perhaps my analytical mania.

>Class decides to commission a drawing for the graduation wall-hang that will hang on the wall with the pictures and names of those who were part of the class
>I'm not on the drawing

Ernst, I feel truly devastated. It's not even the fucking fact that I'm not on the drawing. It's that nobody told me that "hey fuckwad, we're taking a picture that'll be used as a base of a drawing, maybe you should come, dipshit"
Fuck you.
I'll be on the giant wall-hang either way because I have a proper graduation photo, so it's not like as if they deleted my existence from the class, but fuck you still.

I think I just had my first legitimate panic attack over this shit. At least this bit of whisky made it go away, but now I'm actually angry instead of devastated.

I'll show it to them. They'll regret for not thinking about me. I'll be the most fucking successful man that ever graduated from this group of midwit losers. I'll be so fucking rich and famous that I'll commission a fucking baroque style portrait of myself. I'll have a Phd and I'll sign every last little bullshit document as Ernst Ernstovich, Phd, you motherfuckers.

I mean otherwise the day was fucking fine. Wrote a test, discussed Mann's Mario and the Wizard with that girl in the library and so on. (She disliked it immensely too.)
Bought a package of anti-acid pills on the way home.
I also introduced my literature teacher to Dovlatov. Standard stuff.

So now I'm going to study for biology. Fuck that too. Maybe I'll convince the teacher to let me skip the test.
I wish I could fucking kick someone over and then get a hug. Really, that's all I want, violence without consequences and some love.
We live in a society, lads.

>>37952

>I wish I could fucking kick someone over and then get a hug. Really, that's all I want, violence without consequences and some love.

This is simply the natural impulse of male youth.
Get into martial arts and get a gf. Pour your masculine vitality and energy into work!
Clean your dragon of chaos!

What's something I can make myself for lunch that's not pasta or sandwiches? I cannot stress enough how sick I am of eating sandwiches nearly every day.

>>37924

>Should I visit the "socializing week" for first semester students?

No and it sounds awful. If the horror of forced social interaction isn't bad enough you have to consider the kinds of people you would meet at such a place.

If you want to socialise then try out a few clubs. Maybe drama if you have trouble doing public speaking but otherwise something blokey like rugby. All else fails you could ask see if any classmates want to go to the pub.

>>37925
Snapping at someone when they asked for help is counterproductive. She might not be the sharpest crayon in the box but she had the character to ask for help and next time she won't. What have you gotten out of it? You've put your mother in an awkward position at the very least and think about how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

The girl is a naive child trying to imitate Amélie. You have every right to be annoyed.

>>37952
Why do you care so much? Just (gently) bitch about it to your not-girlfriend and when she cheers you up go in for a hug/sweet-talk. One day you'll listen to me and life will be great.

>>37957

>If you want to socialise then try out a few clubs

I think that is another kind of forced socializing with people given his position. Being "new" at university always builds pressure on finding people to not be lonesome in the masses of students. I agree that forced interaction is always a horror, but I wouldn't go so far and say only the most desperate meet there. I went to the Christmas market with people of an introduction class by force of tutors who organized this, but I left before going to the pub. Anyway, the only people that were not at the Christmas market were shy people and commuters. Usually you will find a few ok people you can talk to a bit. It's just an option to meet people. Talking to class mates or going to a uni club can be another way, it feels less arranged but the goal is the same in the end.
Mind you I avoided such events almost every time and I'm pretty much friendless at university. Luckily I met people who have a similar craze for theory.

>>37958
Fug, I only now remember a course where exactly this happened: the tutor took us along to the christmas market. When we arrived at the market by tram I suddenly parted from the group in a whimp and walked away without saying a thing. It was also the last time I visited the course even though it was quite interesting as far as I remember. Can't quite believe what an assburger I were and I honestly don't know what would happen if were in the same situation today. Probably wouldn't run away.
But you've also made me remember that literary theory was rather boring to me. What I mean with knowledge is that I've read a lot of different novels from all kind of periods and languages, generally know a lot about different writers and their biographies, different literary circles and periods. Specialized in this way, that there are some (mostly uncommon) writers whose works I studied that are quite uncanoical and unknown these days.
Now my main impulse to get a degree in Germanistik would be to at least have this knowledge of mine certified in any way. It's only that I carry barely any interest in myself for theory amd especially not for linguistics, which I visualize as hell. I only remember the introduction class and that I felt almost physical uneasiness when looking at the stuff we had to learn.

But now what? My plan is to study it aside slavic studies (you can only study it as a dual bachelor) so I could work both in journalism/pr or as a translator but I really have doubts about the Germanistik studies.
I had a few semesters of catholic theology and sort of liked it (though Exegese was an absolute pain in the ass) back then but it lacks a real perspective for me. Political science would be interesting as a second subject but my uni doesn't have it, only social sciences and history which I don't want to study.
Really the last time I dropped I thought I'm really just not suited for academics, but it seems like an obstacle I cannot dodge for what I want to do. On the long run they always seem to want scientifically educated people.
It's all really tiresome and the more I think about the all of it, the more it wears me down.
Like in every Modulhandbuch there is at least one subject that I'd rather not touch and that makes me feel anxious. Like there's a bachelor for culture, language and translation at another city but not only would I have to leave behind my social sphere but also there are again linguistics. I haven't checked if slavic studies has linguistics in it too, but probably it will.
It was my plan after the last time I studied to dedicate my time to writing a novel instead, all or nothing. What came out was 90-pages novella. I finished it but wanted to build in another plotline.
All of these futile plans and attempts, maybe you see why I slowly think about having borderline disorder. Absolute lack of any stability, a huge mess.
It's like I'm a hunter and at the same time I'm my own prey.
So many things to think about and no safe haven in sight. Now the studies face me again, basically a topic that follows me around like a bad ghost since 5 years.
I might have made progress in one way or another but I still stand there without notable qualifications other than my job experiences.
I should stop thinking and get back to writing, don't wanna spend the whole night on my article.

>>37957

>What's something I can make myself for lunch that's not pasta or sandwiches?

Rice, with anything. Any kind of leftover stew, any bean dish, any curry, any hot meat, anything with any sauce on it. Rice is perfect and you can make a week's supply at once and then just reheat it in the microwave. Oftentimes that tastes better than when its fresh.

>>37957
To clarify, I didn't say it to her coworker's face. That's the problem, if I were in her presence, I would have simply solved the problem myself.
It's just that her task was to prepare and send the files, and when I got around to working on her stuff in the evening, it turned out that the files aren't ready. Work must be done by tomorrow morning. It was crunch time for me and mom.

And while I was working, I started loudly bitching about everything and everyone, as I usually do when I am annoyed but have no choice other than to do something. Mom usually puts up with it, and she sometimes complains herself about her coworkers being inept and adding a lot of work on her shoulders. I think the point of contention was that I implied her coworker to be a fundamentally useless person. People don't like such value judgements, apparently. There's also this idea of "honest, simple folk", and you can't criticize them for being morons because they are not expected to be anything more. And if you question someone's worth based on their intelligence or at least complacency towards their intelligence, you are seen as elitist. I don't know if such sentiment is unique to third world countries, post soviet countries, or if it's like that everywhere. But I haven't met many westerners who thought that being stupid is a virtue or beyond criticism.

If you're going to force me to pull an allnighter, at least let me have a good moan god damn it, it's the only thing I have.

>>37959
If you mean Slavistik, I'm pretty sure it will have linguistics. All -istiks have it afaik.

Every study will have unloved seminars, but take it like a job, in the end why should a degree only consist of fun, wouldn't that be a bit far of reality?

>What I mean with knowledge is that I've read a lot of different novels from all kind of periods and languages, generally know a lot about different writers and their biographies, different literary circles and periods

Sounds to me more like descriptive knowledge (which is still important and a base you need) than analytical depth and that is the crux. If you don't want to analyze literature like a clockwork because you think it's tiresome or destroys the magic of literature than you should stay away, it's not so much about feels and associative thoughts in that area, even it oftentimes is an entry point. Study some other social science or humanities that you are interested in. But you won't be able to doge the theory in university and in these majors/minors especially. Being a "madmen" when it comes to this I oftentimes think people only partly get that it's oftentimes about theory and more importantly, the usual structure of thesis/argument/sum is to be concluded in order to answer the So What? question. You describe a novel you read, well so what? Nobody wants to read the plot of a novel in your paper again or that it personally touched you, that is part of literary criticism ... what lecturers will be interested in would be along the lines of: the heroic in Ernst Jüngers X (novel, erzählungen); gender roles in Grimmelshausen I might be quite strict about that. But I think without theory that dwells on what it is that you have in front of you, what you are doing, what a text is, what a narrator might be, why hermeneutics is not the only possible way to analyze a novel, why the authors intention alone is not the way to look at a novel etc etc, you won't be able to say much substantial (being backed in a way) about that stuff.

Could you say what exactly it is that you don't like about theory? Is it hard to comprehend it is for sure or do you think it is not necessary like one of the Amercians here?

I don't want to scare you or belittle your attempt to go studying again, but you need to come to terms with what academia is about I think, because if you sigh seeing the Modulhandbuch of Germanistik or other degrees and lack motivation to learn than the outlook of pulling thru seems cloudy.
I would rather like to spark your fire for theory and methods of knowledge generation as a key to opening up your mind and how you see the world in general but since it came "natural" to me I cannot think of a way other than saying that it is a mind expanding experience, even so it looks dry, but the abstraction is the expansion.

>All of these futile plans and attempts

I made such experiences as well. Now I'm close to finish my BA and I hope getting a seat for a master program I want to go. But other than that I'm without plans or notable creations of mine and my job experience boils down to monotonous manual labor jobs. My only attempt is getting university done and dreaming of writing books/articles in theory or whatever. I would also take other jobs that seem interesting, but I don't know what is out there.

I already overworked today by 3 hours and still have to overwork tomorrow to get the stuff piled up done.

Well, as it turns out, I might have overreacted yesterday a little bit. At it turns out, it was the artist that forgot about me, not the class. (It was just a sketch anyway.)
So there will be an artist's impression of yours truly after all.

Why do we have 5 loaves of toast bread at home? And why do we have no coffee?

Besides taking an extra 10 minutes to finish, the maths test went swimmingly. I'm expecting a 5.
Postponed biology until Friday.

Apparently they just released next years "new" and "revamped" curriculum. Every teacher I asked has told me that it's fucked.
It was supposed to come out two years ago, but it was deemed "too liberal" and "un-national", so they reworked it, and now it's "illiberal" and "national".
People are saying that with a curriculum like this we're on a fast track to the collapse of the lower education system. (It's probably not wise to alienate the teachers when you have a shortage of them.)
I really want to read it. What makes it so horrible? What makes it a horseman of the apocalypse?
The fact that they developed it in complete secret? Or that they never asked anybody outside the ministry/institution that developed it?
Whatever it is, thankfully, it won't affect me at all.

I feel at ease again.
Mother and Father are coming home tomorrow. I hope they enjoyed their vacation. Or at least my mother did. It was a business trip for my father.

Gonna go to bed early and tomorrow I'm going to start reading that Krasznahorkai book I bought a while ago.

I'm in total crunch time for a Uni project deadline that I neglected, even had to install a Browser addon to limit my time on here & Twitter etc.

>>37975

>Well, as it turns out, I might have overreacted yesterday a little bit. At it turns out, it was the artist that forgot about me, not the class. (It was just a sketch anyway.)

That reminded me of a scene in a series I just watched :DDD

I have a strong dislike for pointless meetings, they bore me into a rage. To add to that, regular weekly meetings are the worst where you receive an email beforehand asking for agenda items rather than having situational affairs with at least a clear purpose.

Unfortunately my count has now risen to 4 hours with the new big boss today announcing that every Thursday, at the time I normally get into the office, we will have a large meeting. To rub salt in the wound these meetings were previously monthly and there's a half-hour life story presentation people give that puts me in a foul mood. I'd argued against this when the boss announced it but nobody else backed me up and the team boy-scout even defended the idea.

In other news, my ex-gf sent one of those 'come back' texts today apologising for everything and ending with her hoping that I go on to meet someone better than her. I know it could be interpreted as vain to assume but I hate when there's a power imbalance and I don't think desperation looks attractive for anyone. It reminds me of all the times I've had my heart broken and the sympathy makes you feel almost equally hurt and vulnerable.

I think I finally figured out the heart and essence of America in one sentence and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out: everybody is trying to scam everybody else. When they say "it's just business" and talk about negotiating and "making deals" and the whole Capitalist system, that's the exact essence of what's going on and what they're talking about. When mob movies are glorified and the most thoroughly disreputable of professions--businessmen--are the leaders of the country and the planet and lauded, that's what's going on and that's what they're talking about. I cannot even believe the amount of just daily mutual scamming that is this country.

As an addendum: I have also figured out that what "freedom" really means is having money, and only a few of us have got a hell of a lot of it, so much in fact you're free to rape kids on private islands or your own 2 year old infant and literally get away with it or literally get away with murder like OJ. If you don't have lots of freedom though you're definitely going to lose even more of it in the criminal justice system and lose literal physical freedom, because only lots and lots of freedoms can buy more freedoms and not having freedoms means you're going to jail and paying many freedoms for the stupidest shit.

>>37975
That's a shame about your education system. I know nothing about it except what can be gleaned from your posts, but it sounds like everything ours fails to do. It also sounds like a good balance between teaching tradition (at least in my part of supposedly this supposedly abnormally Christian country, nobody studies the Bible in school, even as a cultural artifact) and modern literature.

It's a shame that the only people who seem to care deeply about the problems of Western modernity are rubes. I'd probably prefer an Orban to a Merkel, but I get this vibe from all post-commie nationalists that they would be 100% happy if their countries turned into completely deluded bydlo shitholes like Turkey or Israel, where the only thing people learn in school is A. how great their nation is, and B. how they are poor victims who need to be wary of the slightest insult, lest it all happen again.

If I didn't know that every single Muslim country acts exactly like that, I'd rather just let the replacement happen.

Today I made this, it’s just a guide so I can easily look up speeds. It has some issues and it needs more work but I ran out of room. It is getting cooler so I can finally start doing things again and I feel less tired. thanks for reading my blog

Man, my head hurts for some reason.
Read a chapter from Krasznahorkai's The Prisoner of Urga today. Very good book. He's a really good writer.
Love his prose.
I'm really tired. That's probably all for today.

>>37986
I wrote up a lengthy post about this as to what is the problem. ( https://pastebin.com/XKQdRr6v )
The current system is far from perfect too, but the new one seems a lot worse, simply because of how it castrates literature and history classes.

>>37999

>They're not part of the great dialogue, and you can't retrospectively force them to be the part of it.

Well, I think the whole point of reactionaries is that the dialog went off on an unproductive tangent some number of years back, and that we need to forget the tangent and get back to the original course.

>Why study 5 years at a university to earn close to minimum wage when you can earn triple that in the private sector?

Out here at least, we have a big problem with there being too many over-educated young people for the work that needs to be done. All that you need to have a healthy cohort of teachers is for the profession to have some respect, and to pay reasonably well. But right-wingers really don't like public school teachers, despite public schools being necessary for any kind of social transformation.

I continue to maintain that we need some kind of cultural correction back towards tradition and grounded social mores, but I can't think of any group in the world that I would trust with that platform.

>>37996
What's this for? Also, doghouses are more useful than single point plots for that kind of data.

>>37999
Man, you guys are fugged.

>To build a strong Hungarian identity through the learned information, so as to make the Hungarians a natural reference point

Maybe it's worse because I studied history at a tertiary level but that is every bit as overt at bringing fascists into the literature classes. Mixing identity and history is something that they try and make you unlearn in your first semester of a good history degree because it wrecks any reasonable attempt at good research practice. The common way of explaining it is that the past is a foreign country, or that the people from the past are not your friends.

>>38002
Nothing, just for personal reference.

I know but it's a work in progress.

I over cooked my steak, not that bad was cooking it at 140 deg C, prehaps stick to 120 next time.
It's not well done, but also not how I like it, mighty yummy though.
Will get some new glasses, just like the incel shooter meme, I have always had square frames, don't see that changing anytime soon.
Bought some Japanese candy and beef jerky, any difference between strips and chips, chips were cheaper by weight.
HKD (hong Kong Dollar) is pegged to USD, was panicking last year, as GBP rose against USD and USD is at all time highs relative to the Pound Sterling.
However as long as I can sell HKD 10:1 GBP or there about I will be happy.
Trend is GBP falling, which is better because I need to shift the money over and see no point holding on for minimal gains against a falling pound.
Will exchange after I get paid in March 10th, ten whole days after the end of the month which will be by check and take another few days to process, or I could just go frugal until then and transfer before I get paid.
I brought nine or so books back from UK and bought another three in UK.
Just finished one about a bio-weapon released from You-Know-Where.
HK -update, have to wear surgical mask everywhere, I do at work and commuting, but trips to the shop, resteraunt or at night I don't bother.
Can't buy cleaning products, hand sanitizer, masks are now over £1 each if you can buy them, can't buy toilet paper or rice.
Limited stocks of noodles, but fresh meat and milk, canned goods and pasta not really effected where I live, some location completely sold out.
Out door resteraunt I like is closed, 50-60% less people eating out and shopping, and thtas all these people do, eat out all the time, a few other learning centres still closed.
School holiday was extended by 4 weeks, which they will shortern the summer holiday.
Complete loss of confidence in the Police and Government, this is by the whole HK population, and hopefully we have Typoon season soon so a few more holidays if we get a T-10(size of typhoon).
HK apart from school and gov did not close for buisiness, borders are still open with China and self quarantine is just take your word for it.
That Dr in mainland was killed by PRC

Today is 14 february and I think what give to bf on that day. He is far and I'm here alone ):

Welp, today also day of hunters with predator birds, so congratulate all pirds :---DDDD

>>38009
I noticed an elderly asian man wearing a surgical mask a few days ago(nice guy, he always waves hello). Since he was out walking, he probably wasn't sick and so must have been wearing it as a precaution. Maybe it was just a coincidence and had nothing to do with the virus, but it made me wonder if the panic was getting a foothold here.

>>38011
Picking gifts is difficult. Maybe you can draw him something with a Valentine's Day theme.

>>38014
Too tired today to draw or paint. I gues I'll gift some game in GOG or Steam from his wishlist.

>>38009
Wait wut
The doctor or the lawyer? I don't even see any sense in killing the doctor because he was already proven right and it's been a complete disaster for China that they didn't listen to him but now it really doesn't matter does it.

>>38014
I've been noticing it too. First it was just a couple Asians I saw who frankly made me think this population must be the definition of invisible here. I'd never really noticed Asians here before. Then it became a few more people, like the elderly, sick, some fat black woman on a scooter in walmart, and I just keep noticing a few more and more people wearing those surgical masks.

The irony is it actually offers zero protection. You can only wear it for like an hour before it's completely useless and soaked in condensation so if a droplet of anything does impact on the mask it's staying there and I'd question if you have enough cells being expelled from your mouth and lungs to let even a virus reproduce, because surely you've just set up a breeding ground of nice wet, warm medium to grow bacteria like crazy pressed right up against your face. If there was also a dangerous mold or bacteria I wouldn't want to be wearing that shit or reusing it which I am close to positive all these people are doing particularly the ones I see driving around walmart in their scooters because like hell can they afford or are willing to buy more of them.

We don't even live right next to any seriously major population centers or international airports so I'm wondering about it. It does show at least that people are starting to take it seriously. I am btw the person who was telling you here now is the time to start dropping some of your investments. I'm surprised the market has been less shitty but I already was expecting a world pandemic from this thing by fourth week of January. Something just told me that this thing is just not going to be contained. I will however say that I'm not yet convinced that this is going to be the big one. I've seen no evidence or discussions of this thing mutating into a highly lethal strain however that being stated I am fully expecting it to eventually start burning through population centers like wildfire across the globe and if that happens it's giving it a highly probably chance of mutating rapidly and wildly as well with a good chance of it finally meeting weird populations of wild sneks, bats, and whatever else weird creatures it can possibly find as a natural reservoir I am also not quite happy but something like it that the thing is in pangolins because I hope it suffocates a bunch of Chinese poachers and dumbasses looking for Chinese "medicine" witchdoctor dick cream. With any luck another highly virulent disease will come along and murder the shit out of a bunch of Chinese rhino poachers.

In general I am expecting a worldwide economic slowdown happening although I also strongly suspect this is highly virulent and dangerous in a way we're still not being told. Among some of the people who've supposedly died from this are people in their 30s and 40s, including the doctor (assuming he wasn't just murdered in hospital by chicoms). That doesn't sound like a "only hurts elderly" disease to me. I also found it really bizarre how much chicom asskissing the WHO was doing, to the extent that I just automatically assumed that fat Irishman was either being bribed or had pedo material discovered on him by the Chinese, and found the "the flu is more dangerous" misinformation constantly being peddled not just stupid but downright dangerous. This is wildly more deadly than the flu which kills barely anybody as a percentage. So yeah, I found this whole thing feeling weirdly managed, like some groups of people other than just the Chinese were trying to stop a panic about us knowing how bad it was. The other thing is that it sounded like people were basing it on number of infected versus dead people, which is obviously stupid because the true mortality rate is number of recovered versus number of dead, which leads me to believe this might actually be much more dangerous even unmutated and that in the coming weeks we're going to start seeing people dropping like flies in China with the death toll eventually surpassing 5,000-10,000 in China by March 7th but idk. I do know that the PRC was hiding the official number of deaths before by not reporting it as caused by the virus and just using organ failure, pneumonia etc without counting it officially in much the same way you could miscount bubonic plague deaths by saying "died from pneumonia" or "organ failure" than "cause of death: plague"

Today was a fine day. We talked about the Hungarian avant garde today in literature class.
I was about 5 minutes late for class, so I didn't put away my coat in the locker like I usually do, and went straight to class. There is something incredibly liberating about confidently opening the door, wishing the teacher a good morning and then calmly taking out your stuff from the bag while answering questions because you know what they're talking about.

During breaks I've read from Moskva-Petushki, since I picked up my copy yesterday. A lot of it is probably going over my head. But the mood and the atmosphere it creates is amazing. I especially like the time structure of the novel. It's not divided into chapters, instead it's a whole story cut up based on the time that passes between stations, in essence, creating the feeling of being on the train with Erofeev as you read.
An excellent book so far.

Before extra lit classes, we talked a bunch of shit with the teacher and amongst ourselves. We discussed the struggles artists faced under Stalinism.
Eventually we drifted to telling shitty jokes like

>Lenin was so benevolent. I mean, when the the kids kicked a football over his fence, he gave it back to them instead of giving a firing order.

So, we analysed a bit of poetry and we all went home.

Shared a bit of commute with one of my classmates. These are the best. When you talk about lofty and great subjects, from literature, music, culture, the economy to religion, you're about to enter into university, the wind is blowing through your scarf, making it wave like a flag, and you both know everything and believe you could fix the world in 5 minutes if you had the power.
And the whole bus hears our bold and bash judgements! Yes people, you heard us right, "Milton Friedmann was a mid-wit bastard" indeed!
This is what youth is about!

Plans for the weekend include:

>Studying for the upcoming biology test
>Studying for the upcoming history test
>Reading Moskva-Petushki
>Clean my room

D-g fucking dammit, today was awful. We celebrated 50 years since our firm was founded, and I had to sit through a two-hour concert of absolutely atrocious (and unnecessarily loud) music – they invited some celebrity dick from TV who sounds about as good as any late nineties boys-band and a "famous" female singer who happened to have such a "wonderful" voice that I had an impression that the place where the banshees live (and they do live well) is not Stonehenge but Belarus. There were also some local talents performing, and they actually weren't as bad (but still pretty bad) as those two "stars". The only bright spot was a nerdy-looking dude (about two times nerdier than I am: that's saying a lot) who sang a song from a Soviet movie with an unexpectedly nice baritone. Then I had to go to restaurant, but I made myself scarce pretty fast before I got tortured by some more of that quality entertainment. Oh well, at least I got a little tipsy for (almost) free.

>>38009

>Out door resteraunt I like is closed, 50-60% less people eating out and shopping, and thtas all these people do, eat out all the time, a few other learning centres still closed.
>HK apart from school and gov did not close for buisiness, borders are still open with China and self quarantine is just take your word for it.

So the metropolis is still alive and kicking, even if it's a bit more reserved.
Is there a fear in the air that the hospitals might get overcrowded in case the outbreak worsens?

>>38014
>>38019
Thankfully we had no confirmed cases here yet. Though some fake-news sites tried to spread panic by claiming that people already died here from the virus. (Though the gubmint actually cracked down on the owners of the sites and promptly kicked them in the bollocks for trying to create mass hysteria.)
Nobody is wearing face masks, and nobody is avoiding the Chinese.
I carry a small bottle of hand sanitiser with myself, but I don't actually use it.

>>38016
It's like a freshly minted ironic meme.

>>38003
Giving you a strong identity is what they do in elementary school. That's where history is basically myth and reinforced what the common man thinks about important historical figures who remain unquestioned. (So people like St. Stephan I., John Hunyadi and Matthias Corvinus, Kossuth & Széchenyi and so on.)
The "current" curriculum stressed the use of (primary) sources in education at HS level. You'd be given a bulla or a letter from the era and you'd need to make conclusions based on the text. (Of course, you have a textbook that tells you the "facts", but interpreting sources critically is what they expect you at the HS exit exams. You need to be able to write an essay based on previously unseen sources.)

The country is in the middle of a kulturkampf, and we're re-interpreting and rehabilitating figures like Horthy.
It's mainly about the 20th century. It's like we're trying to make up for 50 years of "fake" history that we wish didn't happen, and we're doing it by re-opening long lost and irrelevant cases to be debated for the next 50 years.

>>38025
Well, at least now in evening you can relax. Sand valentine day card to someone! with new coat of arms on cover

I got painted in. The final drawing is pretty tumblr tier with the reddish noses, but this sketch has a nice, clean aesthetic.
People were jokingly saying that my figure has the most detail on the drawing.
There is something something about seeing an idealised representation of yourself that makes you feel good.
Maybe I'm just a really vain person. Could be that.
Really, it's just that, a representation that leaves out my mistakes, like the stubbles and the circles under my eyes.

Tomorrow we're going on a "trip". Why can't they fucking understand that after commuting from and to home every day, I have no fucking interest in getting in the car and going somewhere.
Especially how it'll be just my father showing off the drone he bought.

I read a bit of Moskva-Petushki today. Not as much as I would've wanted.
I've decided to read a different book before going to bed. It helps me sleep better. During the past month, I've read from Babits's letters and "Talking notes", since I can just flip those open and read it at random until I get sleepy.
Now I'm reading Vladimir Voinovich's Ivan Chonkin. It's like listening to a tale told by a grandparent in a sense, so it's ideal before bed.

To mix up my routine and "experience" something besides the usual dread I went to Bonn and visited the Martin Kippenberger Retropection (he died in 1997)

Kippenberger is so postmodern, any imageboard expert round on modern art would explode and been sent to Pluto with that amount of buttmad energy. But there are too things to this:

1) It's quite hard to "get" the paintings, images, drawings, installations, sculptures and even books. They are full of reference, the citation crosses centuries and styles in various ways, even the forms of art is mixed at times. The cross border character of his work is enormous. Besides one part of series I had no clue and read the texts which accompany the works of art

2) The interesting thing is that this "postmodern" artist is more trained in art than any of the internet experts you usually encounter in every corner of the internet. Apparently his parents took/dragged him and his siblings to the Folkwang Museum every Sunday to study the paintings of the permanent exhibition, which contains various classics and styles of art history I've seen it myself a few years back

The Don't Wake Up Daddy series was interesting, because there where these Jägerzäune wooden lattice fence /// a symbol for german petty bourgeoisness around the "paintings", which were oversized parts of the table game Don't Wake Up Daddy from 1992. Had to laugh, I interpreted it as visible and symbolized barriers, mockery of art (in museums) and how it is treated.

Part of that series where also Paintings refering to Daniel Paul Schreber who wrote the Denkwürdigkeiten eines Nervenkranken english translation is called Memoirs of My Nervous Illness, Freud took his writings as a case of paranoia. I suspect Kippenberger read Deleuze and Guattari, maybe not, but the painting, which shows a portrait of Schreber as child, is surrounded by an egg and quotes from the book plastered all over canvas Both Schreber and the egg are part of the first chapter of the Anti-Oedipus by D&G, where they explain the foundations of their machinic ontology and Schreber, the schizophrenic, as an example for that ontology; the egg is more difficult to comprehend in D&G, perhaps the "the virtual", part of the plane of immanence, dunno really, but it's also on old symbol within "primitive peoples"

All other paintings I had to rely on text to really go beyond pure impression.
The Medusa series alludes to another classic painter and was done a year before he died deadly illness afaik. There is one with turquoise and green background and a blue/black x - crossed out Kippenberger, fading away - from figurative to abstract, a watch on the wrist. This one really struck me and I took several mintues starring at it.

There also is a series that mixed soviet realism with abstract styles, too bad I did not took the title of a picture that loosely translates as diligent peasant woman repairing a tractor. It is quite hilarious as it looks more like she is wielding a space capsule. A deconstruction of identities the text said, but I think that is a legit description, there is another painting of him I came across in a seminar that is about the same style mix and motive, and back then I had to laugh because of the title, it's clearly not to be taken serious

Also a handful a cute and/or attractive women of my age or younger who roamed the exhibition. Makes me think again that a date at the museum isn't a shitty idea if you meet right one.

On my way back in the train there was a verbal clash between a young bydlo, her friend and an older slavic woman. She did not stood up even tho you should make way for baby buggy at the jump seats. But tbh all of them could have been sitting there, or the friend of hers could have stood up instead of the older women. They both accused the other one of disrespect instead, kek.

>>38048
He isn't very good.

>>38045
Nor is he.

>>38048
You know, I feel like modern art especially suffers from over-saturation. You see, that guy was dragged around museums and that's why he felt the will to rebel against what traditional art was to him.
Same thing in music, lately I've the Premiere of Manfred Trojahns "Ein Brief" (It was a Neue Musik version of Hugo von Hoffmansthal fictional Lord Chandos letter), mostly because of the Beethoven-Oratorium that followed. I couldn't bear it, I was almost physically sick of it until I finally fell asleep und just woke up when it ended.
I couldn't find any beauty within it and I doubt that anyone could, maybe only if they were as over-saturated with classical music as the composer was. Later on I researched about Trojahn and found out that in the early days of his career he used to be a radical traditionalist but at some point he got so fed up with traditional music that he ended up switching to Neue Musik as most of the composers back then did.
Another thing - I remember reading that back when the Neue Musik thing started it was highly provocative and while at first people didn't want to hear it, they soon got used to it and at some point always started to sax that the new music wasn't provocative enough.
Today not even me, someone who would rather qualify as a traditionalist sort of, did really feel provocated. No-one did.
And same thing goes for theatre, they can be naked and do all kind of pseudo-provocative shit on the stage - people are so desensitized that they don't care anymore.
It's as if provocation killed beauty as a standard and only left behind a void of boredom.

How can getting up from bed be so effing hard?

I keep sleeping 11 hour nights despite my doctor saying at this age you need at most 8 hours. I fall asleep at 12 to 2 AM and wake up at midday. I would like to be a productive morning person who gets up at 7 AM and goes for a run after breakfast. But it feels impossible, my internal clock fights back tooth and nail.

>>38061

>over saturation

Well, it was the late 70s, 80s and 90s, boast of postmodernism. The problem is they were saturated as well from the past. Nowadays we are saturated by citation and style mash.
But there is art today that does not want to provoke in a rebel sense and without going back to plain realism, avant garde art or even Hofmalerei / religious paintings.

What art is, is not clear, a permanent conflict.
There is a theory by Bourdieu, which states that new art always has to oppose against the old to establish itself until it becomes the old.

>>38071
You have my empathy. I have never woken up refreshed, either sleep >6 or <10 hours. Exercise, diet, etc. marginally helped in my case, but apart from my rising blood pressure, nothing in particular appears "wrong" in the physiological sense. Also did a sleep study where they could find nothing at fault, apart from failing to wake at a reasonable time.

The only positive is that it makes night shift more bearable, since the bad sleep isn't exactly a huge negative.

I actually woke up feeling really sad today. Maybe it's because I'm broke til next payday and have spent more time thinking and less time anaesthetizing myself with games to truly understand what shit my life situation not only still is but inevitably will remain. Well, at least seeing that ginger wife abuser video Ireland uploaded has reminded me of one nice thing about having no family or gf or anyone around me at all is I finally got what I wanted: some peace and damn quiet. At the same time, I often wonder about what would've happened had I impregnated anyone and how probably most of my ancestors lived exactly the sort of life I led minus the computer games and internet except that in all their cases condoms did not exist and the women they were screwing around with had no birth control so a natural healthy family resulted.

I dunno. I increasingly feel like there's a native Catholic voice in the back of my head trying to tell me how birth control is as wrong and unnatural as the rest of the modern world. Well there's all that and how much I hate my parents and want to hurt them at this point, but the one is such a sociopath I'm pretty sure is immune to being hurt anyway. I just never want to speak to either of them again. I gave each of them 33 years to get their shit together and act like decent people to me and neither one of them ever did for longer than a day. Well one did at least, but I ended up hating that one even more strongly until relatively recently where I had it. It wasn't even just yelling things like I hope you die on your birthday at me or whatever else this year but the summation of her viciousness and cruelty which overall has completely floored my respect for women in general to such a point that I now internally see them all as untrustworthy whores who aren't good for much of anything including being even acceptably bad mothers.

Maybe now is the time I should actually begin considering going back to school. It can't possibly hurt me at this point to get my masters in something, anything, even if it's as thoroughly disreputable a profession as getting my MBA or as totally not ambitious as biology and medicine. I think part of why I haven't is because it just feels like getting my masters is going to be making it official that I have settled for something far less in life, even if no matter what it was would be far better than now.

I looked up at the grey skies today and couldn't even tell what time it was. 4pm? Noon? 9am? 5am? I couldn't tell. It was just another perpetually gray wasteland suspended above me. I looked at the gas station across the street and thought about how all of us here are working part time at multiple jobs with no hope or prospects whatsoever as basically serfs to corporate masters who are so distant none of our managers will have ever met them in their lives even, and everybody is just contentedly slaving away because they think they're one Powerball ticket away from escaping.
And itll never happen.
I fucking hate the lottery.
The lottery was the last curse to escape from Pandoras box as a way to ensure it would never occur to any of the slaves that the front gate isnt locked and they can slip out of their own shackles.

Finished my report/presentation this week, all went better than expected and ofc I stressed out way too much. Considering what others presented, our group's probably at least in the best quartile and that's good enough for me.

Had a pretty terrible day yesterday, I went to visit my friend who's on leave from a mental institution for the weekend. He invited some people since his parents were out of town, but I was the only one who came. We planned to cook sth but he said he didn't feel too good. Barely could talk to him, and from the little we talked he still seems to have the same issues that he keeps ruminating about without doing anything or being unable or unwilling to talk about it properly. Told me that I don't have to pretend to be his best friend, though that's really not the way I think about our relationship for a long time.
We tried to watch some movie, then he had one of his messianic outbursts, proclaiming he needs to be like Jesus, and to try harder or sth. I tried to talk some sense into him though that feels like the one-eyed leading the blind. In the end he said he needs a break, and I decided to leave. Felt pretty bad but I made him swear not to do anything stupid.
Actually I had kind of given up on trying to help him years ago but lately it seemed that he's been getting better, but maybe that was just the medicine he's forced to take now.
I also glimpsed some wholesome notes that his parents left for him, like "Have fun and don't mess up the house ;)", hit me pretty hard.

Went to buy some beers afterwards and a minor rudeness by the cashier girl almost tipped me over the edge. After giving her a bill first, I wanted to give her some copper coins so she'd have to give me less small change but as she already gathered the change, she refused to do it. I could've easily confronted her about it in some way, but instead I just sucked it up and took the change. Made me feel like I'm always the butt of the joke, always trying to take up other people's negativity to stop it from proliferating. Though I probably have too high of an opinion of myself in that regard.

>>38024
I can recommend this documentary for some background knowledge when you're done with Moskva-Petushki, though it's rather demystifying and depressing. If you've ever seen Pic 1 before, that's where it's from!

>>38048
Nice, thanks for sharing.

I just had a scary as fuck, but also kind of ebin dream.
In the dream, aliens got a hold of a VHS tape of TV recordings. A few days later, something appeared in the sky. Its body was roughly the shape of a flying saucer, but styled after a Gundam. on top of it, was a male barbie doll head. Its voice booming through the sky, it "spoke" in gibberish, imitating a human voice, interspersed with attempts at human laughter. It felt like it was addressing me directly. The realization that it is utterly incomprehensible to me what this creature's intentions are, what it's thinking and what it is, gave me such an intense sense of anxiety and dread that I woke up with an elevated heartbeat.

Also, the dream felt like it was "shot" as a bad direct to TV movie. You know when poorly shot movies cut to a zoom in of an object without a prior establishing shot, and you don't know where the object is or what size it is, and are forced to simply take the presence of the object on the screen at face value, without context? It gives a weird surreal vibe where the 4th wall stops existing, and you're just looking at an object on the screen. That's how looking at that alien creature felt. I think the dream was even in 4 by 3 ratio.

It's fucking ebin in hindsight, but at the time, it was horrible.

>>38113
It's pretty obvious what it came here to tell you Kazakhstan

It must have chosen you as its messenger

For most of my life I have not been a dog person. Never hated dogs, never made any bad experiences or were afraid of them but I simply always liked cats more.
These days though I find myself watching a cute doglet fool around or expectantly lay its paws on my lap with glee. And I marvel at the thought of getting myself a picrelated one day.
What's happening?

>>38133
You've gone soft.

Happens to us all.