An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."
"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).
A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."
-Why is Capitalism standing on the brink of oblivion?
- Looking at Communism down there
An NKVD major dragged a bound man in front of Stalin. He proclaimed "We arrested this man for treason!" Stalin replied "What did he do?"
"He was saying: "Damn that mustached bastard for ruining the country!"" the major answered with a hint of pride in his voice. Stalin gave this some thought for a moment then ask the prisoner "Is that so? And who did you mean by that, comrade?"
The chained man lifted his battered head and managed to say "Naturally I meant Hitler, comrade Stalin!" "Ah," said Stalin... "And who did you mean, comrade major?"
Everyone had a job, but nobody did anything.
Nobody did anything, but the Production Plan was fullfiled 104-110% all the time.
The Production Plan was fullfiled 104-110%, but the shops were empty.
The shops were empty, but everybody had everything.
Everybody had everything, but still stole from work.
Everybody stole from work, but there was still plenty where it came from.
There was still plenty where it came from, but everybody was dissatisfied.
Everybody was dissatisfied, but there were not any work strikes.
There were not any work strikes, but nobody did anything.
A man drives a girl from the village to town, stops by the forest, gets out of car, delves into the engine and then says:
-That's it, engine got broken, we'll have to spend the night here
-Listen, uncle, maybe we'll quickly spend the night and move on?
Socialism, capitalism and communism want to meet. Communism and capitalism are there on time, but socialism is not there. Half an hour later he comes. „Sorry, I had to queue for eggs“.
Capitalism: “What is queue?“
Communism: „What is eggs?“
Man got lost in the forest. Wanders around and screams with all his might
A bear appears, comes up to him and asks
-What are you screaming for?
-Damn, i got lost, i needed someone to hear me
-I heard you, are you relieved?
A Russian couple arrived in Israel and after a while they ran out of money. The wife went to work in prostitution and one day she came home with 312.5 NIS. The husband asked her: "Who gave you that half Shekel" and the wife answered him: "Each and every man I had sex with".
To test the nutritional value of corn Krushchev summoned a Russian, a Ukrainian and a Jew and ordered them to eat nothing but corn for three months.
At the end of this period they were brought to Krushchev again to be weighed. The Russian had lost twenty kilograms, the Ukrainian ten, whereas the Jew had gained five.
Krushchev was overjoyed: 'Well, Comrade Rabinovich, tell us how you did it!'
'Quite simple, Comrade Krushchev. I filtered the corn through chickens.'
The Japanese have stolen the blueprints for an advanced Russian battle tank. They assemble it, and it turns out to be a fighter plane. They disassemble it, check the blueprints, and assemble it again. Still fighter. They kidnap a Russian engineer and tell him: "We'll give you citizenship, total protection from KGB, huge reward, anything you want, but we want a tank and it's a damn fighter!" The engineer takes the blueprints, looks at them for a minute and calls his Japanese colleagues to come closer. "Did you even read this? See, a footnote: after assembly, remove excess material with a rasp."
-Oh, girls, i discovered such a great position, called rodeo...
-What is it?
-You mount a guy and then tell you've got syphilis... Now you just need to hold on.
-Rabinovich, what is luck?
-Luck is to live in our socialist father land.
-And what is bad luck?
-Bad luck is to have such a luck.
-rabinovich, are you member of the party?
-no i am its brain!
In Soviet Russia, you rob bank
In capitalist America, bank robs you
Today a peaceful agricultural tractor was attacked by NATO while trasporting the autumn harvest near the border. Outraged by this act of capitalis treachery, the tractor driver, Second Leutenant Popov, fired two anti-air rockets at the foreign dogs, turned on the rocket engine and entered the geostationary orbit. The peaceful Kolhoz Predsedatel, Colonel Sobakin, stated that "If these acts of agression will continue, we will deploy heavy combine-harvesters."
Wife of a wealthy russian in tears runs into the police office.
-Find my husband, i can't live without him!
-When did he disappear?
-Ten days ago
-But why do you reveal it only just now?
-I ran out of money!