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„There is no place like home“

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No. 48443
50 kB, 940 × 300
151 kB, 500 × 580
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55 kB, 640 × 579
Hello, I will post here some jokes I collected over the years way back on KC /int/.
Feel free to add your own.
There are way more than fit in one post, but I won't necessarily be able to post regularly.

Jerusalem's highest rabbi is on an official trip in England. On one
morning, he wakes up really early. It is Jom Kippur. He steps on the
balcony and sees the hotel's golf course.
He thinks "It's so early, nobody will see me". He grabs his golf gear
and steps on the green.
Up in heaven, St. Peter says to god "Do you see what the highest rabbi
of Jerusalem is doing? On Jom Kippur? Do you not want to punish him for
it?"
God nods. The rabbi drives off and hits hole in one, a perfectly rare
occurrence.
St. Peter: "I don't understand - you wanted to punish him!"
God: "I have. Who can he tell?"

To Cheka runs worried person
>My parrot has disappeared
>Well than you need to contact local Police
>Excuse me i know who to contact, i just wanted to officially report that i dont share opinion with parrot

>Soivet union scientists reasoning how life will be in year 2000 SSR.
>One suddenly talks up! every family will have reactive jetplane
>Why would every family need jet plane? rest surprised
>Now just imagine, you living in Jurmala, but suddenly you get to know that in Volgograd shops there has appeared sousage in stores

Little Fritz comes home after school. "Dad, we got our essays about the Greatest Accomplishments of the DDR back! Mine was the best, I got a 4!"
>(German rating system is from 1 to 6, with 1 being best and 6 being worst).
Fritz's father is surprised. "A 4? That was the best essay? What about the others?"
Fritz: "I don't know, they're not back from the interrogation yet"

-When the first Soviet election took place?
-When God put Eve in front of the Adam and said "choose your wife"

After Catalonia getting a lot of Spanish immigration in the sixties, in the eighties (with democracy and autonomy for catalonia), the catalan govt made a campaign in order to increase good vibes and brotherhood, among other things, which had the slogan "we are six million", which was Catalonia's population at the time.
Joke: our president Pujol visited China, and going down the plane, he told to the welcoming delegation:
"we are six million!"
And the Chinese delegate answered back:
"oh! And in which hotel do you stay?"

An old man wants to park his bike right next to the entrance of the Hungarian Parliament building.
Some policemen rush to him:
  • What are you even thinking, old man, you can't park your bike here, the Soviet delegation is arriving immediately!
  • Oh, no problem, officers! I locked it good.

Brezhnev has a meeting with Sophia Loren. He says to her "I am willing to grant you any wish."
"Please, allow anyone who wishes to leave the Soviet Union."
"Sophia, you sly little minx, you just want to be alone with me."

Soviet prison cell with 3 inmates, they are speaking about why they got incarerated:
-I got to work 5 minutes late and they jailed me for sabotage
-I got to work 5 minutes early and they jailed me for espionage
-I got to work in time and they jailed me for having Western wristwatch

Soviet prison cell with 3 inmates, they are speaking about why they got incarerated:
  • I criticized comrade Buharin!
  • I supported comrade Buharin!
  • I am in fact comrade Buharin himself.

Is it true that recently man in Moscow found 1 million dollars?
Yes, though it was not recently, but 10 years ago, not man, but woman, not in Moscow, but in Rostov, not one million dollars, but 100 rubles and not found, but lost

Nu worum hot G-tt erschofn de goyim?
nu jemond mos zoln de listepreis

Why are synagogues round?
So nobody can hide in the corner during collection.

What helps against chewing gum in the hair?
Cancer.

Why did Jesus never tip?
He was the King of Jews.
>>
No. 48445
A foreign tourist visits Soviet Union. He arrives, walks around, enjoys the scenery, and suddenly falls into an open manhole!
Happily he is not injured. He crawls out, and starts ranting to his guides.
  • Why do you have such dangerous things here? You could at least put some red flags around the manhole as a warning.
  • Don't you remember arriving at the airport? There was a huge red flag hanging there. It works for all the country!

An american soldier travels back to home through UK. He's travelling by train, and when he enters a carriage, he sees that there is a bench where three men can sit. There sit an Englishman, a lady, and a lady's dog. The soldier approaches and says:
  • Pardon me, lady, could you please take your dog down so that I could sit here?
The lady replies:
  • You Americans are so rude! Don't you see my little dog is enjoying its sit?!
  • But my lady, I'm going home from a war, I'm so tired, and I'm sure you understand that-
  • You Yankies are not just rude, but also annoying! I thought I've already said that-
The soldier doesn't listen to her, takes the dog and throws it out through the window. As the lady gasped in suprise and terror, he takes a sit. Suddenly the Englishman who haven't said a word all this time, says to the soldier:
  • You know what, young lad? I don't agree with this lady concerning you Americans, but I must admit you do some things wrong. You drive a car on the wrong side of the road, you drink tea at a wrong time, and now you've thrown out a wrong bitch!

An old beekeeper is lying in his bed dying. All his big family is standing around him. His sons with their wifes, his grandchildren are here today listening to his last words. The bright Sun is shining into the room, fresh breeze moves curtains, the bees are buzzing softly outside.
The old man looks at his family and starts to talk: "My children, I've lived a long life. It was not an easy one. And one day long ago I've understood - everything is bullshit, except for bees... But now I am lying here before you and you know what? It seems that bees are fucking bullshit too."

In Saint-Petersbourg, Avraham is on his death bed and asks his relatives to come close.
  • Rachel, my beloved wife, do you remember during WW2, when your father was deported by the Germans and we took over the business? Well, I was the one who denounced him. I had remorse all my life, please forgive me.
Crying Rachel pardon his dying husband for this,
and Avraham calls his son.
  • Moshe, I have to tell you something, when you used to sell illegal alcohol to goyim a few years ago I told the police and collected a bounty when they closed your warehouse. I'm sorry, my son, I was stupid.
Moshe forgive Avraham for what he did to him.
  • I have one last thing to ask from you before I die. My last will, if you please, is to be buried with my finger in my buttocks.
The audience is shocked but agrees to his wishes, Avraham painfully moves his arm to his butt, insert his finger in his anus and breathes his last breath.
Just when the family prepares to fetch the rabbi, someone knocks on the door.
  • Open the door! KGB! We have been told you were desecrating corpses !

End of the WW2, 1945, ex-service man of the RAF a Pole Zbyszek comes back to his hometown Lubartów. There was only few family members that he managed to find, the rest disappeared, probably was killed. So now he decided to search for his friends. He began to search his friend Izaak, son of the best baker in the town, he knew him from the craddle, Izaak inherited bakery from his dad just before the beginning of the war. Unfortunately, Zbyszek found out that Izaak's house was completely destroyed. But there is still a hope! Bakery was in the center of the town... And yes, there it is! Almost untouched, he comes closer to the shop exposition and sees a sign that reads: "CLOSED DUE TO DEATH". He dropped hands with worry. Then all of a sudden he felt that somebody stood behind his back. He turned around and saw Izaaak. He hug him as hard as he could.
  • "Izaak, you are alive!"
  • "Yes, i am alive"
  • "So who died?"
  • "Clients"

Shlomo is taken to a concentration camp by an SS officer. He starts crying.
  • But herr officer, I have a family.
  • I didn't know that. Please give me their address.

Once upon a time in pre-war Warsaw two Jews had argument: mr Rosenkrantz and mr Katz. The argument was so serious that ended up in a court. The court has ruled: "mr Katz must apologize mr Rosenkrantz". The public apology was supposed to take place in apartment of mr Rosenkrantz. Witnesses and mr Rosenkrantz gathered on the appointed day, waiting for mr Katz to arrive with apology. Finally, they hear knocking on the door. Rosenkrantz opens door and sees Katz staying in front of him:
  • "Good day! Is it an apartment of tailor Goldberg?"
  • "Uhm... no... Goldberg lives upstairs"
  • "Oh, i am sorry!"

Salcia and Mojsze run souvenir shop for Jews in the Polish town's neighborhood. But since the town was losing an economical meaning throughout a decade, more and more Jews began to move to bigger city nearby, hence Jewish community shrinked significantly. It hurt the business of Salcia and Mojsze. That's why Salcia finally told her husband:
  • "Mojsze, you must reorient your business now, and include also catholic clients!"
Mojsze was angered by Salcia's remark
  • "Are you crazy, woman? We are Jewish and we won't be selling catholic devotional items. No way!"
But Jewish population of the town was moving out at a rapid pace, the Mojsze's business was suffering from bigger losses, so finally Mojsze agreed on Salcia's advice. He found a phone number to the only existing wholesaler of catholic devotional articles and phonecalled him:
  • "Good day. I would like to order 100 rosaries, 50 catechisms, 100 images of the Pope, and 100 crucifixes"
The voice in the phone-receiver answers:
  • "Let me check... 100 rosaries, 50 catechisms, 100 images of the Pope, 100 crucifixes.. These crucifixes are supposed to be with Jesus or without? Ah, and i must warn that we can supply this stuff tomorrow at the earliest because of Shabbat!"

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
>>
No. 48446
Early evening. A young man is going to meet a girl friend. His mother:
-Borya, I ask you kindly to take an electric torch with you!
-Mother, but it is light in the street.
-It will be dark soon.... Do you want to make a competition with your brother?
-Why?
-He also didn't want to take an electric torches and see whom he brought to live with us.

A man stands on the Tower Bridge and urinates into Thames. Policeman approaches and urges him to stop:
-By urinating here you disgrace the bridge, sir!
-Fuck the bridge!
-By disgracing the bridge you disgrace London!
-London can go to hell for all I care!
-But sir, by disgracing London you disgrace Britain!
-So what, fuck Britain too!
-Sir! You are insulting the Queen herself!
-I fucked your queen, lad!
Policeman, visibly shaken and with apologetic voice:
-Pardon me, your Majesty!

A Red Guardsman knocks at Abram's door. He answers through the door, "yes?" "Abram, we've come for everything precious." Abram thinks for a few seconds, and calls "Rosa, my precious, someone's here for you!"

An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, treasure the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because once they are dealt with, we will be next."

A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other — how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya.

A little Jewish boy teased badly in the school by his classmates declares at home:
  • From now on I'm not a Jew any more. I'm a Russian.
The mother says:
  • All Jews eat kosher meat today. And the goys eat beans!
The father:
  • All Jewish children go to the school in my car. The goys go by foot.
His brothers/sisters:
  • We go play together. You play by yourself.
He says bitterly:
  • I'm a goy only one day, but, boy, do I hate you, Jews!

A man returns home in a drunken stupor. His wife begins to smack him over the head and scream at him asking, "Are you going to keep on drinking?" The man just sits there moaning which, of course, just upsets his wife even more, so she smacks him even harder and demands, "I asked you, are you going to keep on drinking?" The man is practically sobbing as he squeaks out his answer, "Fine. You talked me into it. Pour me another one."

Vladimir Putin arrived for lessons in one of the Moscow schools. There were flowers and a speech and suddenly little Sasha asks:
  • Mr. President i have 3 questions. First, why Russia occupies Crimea? Second, why you send russian soldiers to Ukraine? And third, who killed Niemcov?
Putin surprised opens his mouth but bell imidietly ends lesson. After the reces all students gather back in class. This time little Vania asks:
  • Mr. President, why Russia occupies Crimea? Why you send russian soldiers to Ukraine? Who killed Niemvoc? Why the bell rang 20 minutes earlier and where is Sasha?

A crow to the cow climbing a pine-tree.
  • What the hell are you up to? Are you nuts?
  • I wanna eat some apples.
  • There ain't no apples on a pine-tree!!!
  • I'm carrying them in the backpack.

L.I.Brezhnev is having a little walk in the Kremlin one morning. The Sun
says him:
  • You, Leonid Ilich, are such a marvellous person that you even shine brighter
than I do!
He is very happy- even the Sun thinks so good of him! In the evening he is
walking again. Now the Sun says him:
  • What a fucking moron walks down there!
  • What??? You have called me marvellous in the morning!
  • Haha, I'm in the West now.

Two old Jewish men are sitting on a park bench in New York.
The first one asks, "Hey, whatever happened to Solomon Katz," to which the other replies, "Oh, haven't you heard? Solomon retired and moved to Florida with his wife."
"Oh, that's nice," says the first Jew. The second continues, "Yes, by HaShem, a real Mensch that Solomon... 85 years old and still fighting for socialism and equality every day."
The first Jew asks again, "What's Adam Cohen up to these days," to which the other Jew replies, "Oh, poor Adam, you haven't heard? He fell and shattered his hip, he's been in a rehabilitation center for the past two months. The doctors say he might never walk without crutches!"
"That's terrible," exclaims the first Jew. The second Jew goes on, "Indeed, but even from his hospital bed he still fights for socialism and equality. A true Mensch that Adam!"
The first Jew asks once more, "And what of Ezra Rosenberg, I haven't heard from him in a while. What is he doing nowadays?" The second Jew says, "Oh, Ezra? He moved to Israel."
After a short pause the first Jew asks, "And? Is he still fighting for socialism and equality?" To which the second Jew replies, "What, in his own country? What kind of a man do you take him for?!"
>>
No. 48448 Kontra
Narkoman falls from the roof of a commieblock, with a sounding SMACK! he lands on the asphalt. 
He stands up, shakes off dust from his pants. Shocked people gather around him, asking 'What happened? What happened?'.
Puzzled narkoman shrugs 'I don't know, I myself just arrived'.

Two men are fishing. Suddenly the cow floats to the surface and asks:
"Guys, this is that bank or this one?"
"And which one do you need?"
"It doesn't matter, I'm wearing shoes."

Two crocodiles are flying by, one towards north, other is green. How much is the drunk hedgehog if shades disappear at midnight?

Two narkomans are sitting on a river's bank and smoking. Suddenly a policeman asks:
"Did you see a corpse float by?"
"No"
And he goes away. Then again comes and asks:
"Did you see a corpse float by?"
"No"
Then again goes away. Then suddenly a corpse appears in the water. The Narkomants say:
"Keep floating, bro, we covered your ass up"

A man crowls in the desert suddenly sees a pile of gold. Then a voice from above says:
-Shit the pile of the same size and you can take gold
The man pushes as hard as he can and shit a pile of crap same size takes gold and moves forward
Then he suddenly stumble upon a big heap of diamonds. Again the mystirous voice from above says
-Shit the same big heap of crap and you can take the diamonds.
The man pushes even harder and shits the heap, takes diamonds and leave.
He crawls further and SUDDENLY VOICE FROM ABOVE SAYS
-JOHN WAKE UP YOU CRAP YOUR HOLE FUCKING BED YOU FUCKIN JUNKIE

Two narkomans sit in the forest. Then a little hedgehog goes near them. One narkoman take him, look and says: "Look, that's a girl!". Another narkomans says: "No, that's a hedgehog".

A drunkard is searching for something under a streetlamp. A passerby asks: "What are you searching for?" The drunkard responds: "My housekeys." They start searching together. Ten minutes later the passerby asks: "Are you sure you lost them here?" The drunkard says: "I lost them over there, but there's more light here."

Narkoman and syphilitic were jailed. They sit for a little and then syphilitic has his nose fell. Syphilitic throw it through the window. They sit more and then syphilitic has his ear fell. Syphilitic throw it too. Then anothoer ear. Narkoman look and say: "I see you're escaping!".

A man comes to the tattoo parlor. 
"Hey man, can you tattoo a tank on my back?"
"Sure, no problem!"
Artist starts working, and two minutes later he suddenly says: "Done!"
"What the hell, so fast?!"
"Of course. It only four letters, after all."

Naroman is standing in the middle of a sandbox on the playground and hauling a girl over his head by the hair like a barbarian.
Babushka from the window - "WTF are you doing, you monster! She's hurting!"
Narkoman, happily - "No she's not! She's dead!"

Two narkomans sit in the kitchen, the senior one and the junior one. 
Junior: and when we'll get high? 
Senior: look at the window, when you'll see how green dogs climb, then there it is! 
Suddenly, the police burst into the apartment and take these narkamonas to the police car.
A conversation between two cops, one older in catching junkies, another younger. 
Younger: how do you know there're narkomans in this apartment? 
Older: they always are where green dogs climb to!

Two drug addicts are sitting in front of one sirenge with heroine
One : What would be if I inject it all by myself?
Second: You will have nose bleeding
First: But why? It's about pressure?
Second: No - I will smash your face.

Stierlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stierlitz closed the door. The lights went out.
Stierlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stierlitz closed the door. The light went out again.
"It's a refrigerator," concluded Stierlitz.

Two narkomans see a taxi and say to each other "let's concentrate and focus to pretend we are not narkomans so that the driver didn't guess it".
They get into the taxi car, sit there in silence seriously
After a while the driver looks at them and asks:
"Are you narkomans?"
"How did you guess it?"
"Well you're both sitting on the front seat"

two weed smokers got stoped by road police.
Officer - our car is broken - can you haul us to the police station?
Narkoman - Ok No problem
So they haul them, light some joint and forget about hauled police car.
Police notice strange driving and put hooter on.
One drugster to another - holy shit - we have police chasing us!

Two drug addicts come to Australia and see kangaroos.
"Look how fucking huge their grasshopers are!"
"Imagine how fucking huge their cannabis must be!"

Two drug addicts are high as fuck. One of them says:
"Vasya, let's play cities."
"What is it?"
"I name a city and you name another city which begins with the last letter of my city"
"Ok"
"Moscow"
"Amsterdam"
"Moscow"
"Amsterdam"
[this joke only works in russian]

"Let's go fishing!"
"What fishing, we don't have vodka!"
"Well I have weed."
"So let's fish here."
>>
No. 48455
46 kB, 600 × 408
Yo mama so fat the Sorting Hat put her in Waffle House.

Yo mama so fat she sat on Walmart and lowered the prices.

Yo mama so fat she shops at the Gap and now its the Filled.

Yo mama so fat she walked by the TV and I missed three episodes.

Yo mama so fat you need to take two trains and a bus to get on her good side.
>>
No. 48460
A hedgehog learn to breathe through its ass, it sat down and suffocated.

During WWI, German generals discuss the situation: "We are hiding in our trenches, the French are hiding in their trenches, there has been no progress in weeks." They decide to try a new strategy. All french people are named Jean-Pierre, so it goes like this. 
German soldier calls: "Jean-Pierre!"
All the French soldiers look over the trenches shouting: "Oui oui!"
The Germans can easily shoot them. 
This strategy works well for a while, but then the French generals realise that the Germans are fooling them. They decide for a counter-strategy, since all the Germans are named Hans. 
It goes like this:
"Hans!"
"Jean-Pierre, is that you?"
"Oui oui!"

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

During the 1930s, a Party commissioner is inspecting a typical farming village. He goes to the headman and asks how the potato harvest has gone.
Headman: Comrade, the potatoes, when piled up, reach to the feet of God!
Commissioner: Excellent! But, I hope you're aware that God doesn't actually exist.
Headman:: Indeed. Nor do the potatoes!

German, Russian and American generals were talking.
The Russian general told that each soldier gets 2500 kilocalories worth of food every day.
They German replied that each soldiers in german army get rations of 4000 kilocalories.
after that American general told that each soldier gets 7000 kilocalories every day. to which russian general replied "Impossible! No one can eat that much cabbage!"

Maternity hospital. A doctor comes to the impatient father, takes off his mask and says: "Be strong, I have some bad news for you. Your son is disabled."
"It does not matter, let me see him."
"Well he is missing his arms"
"It is ok, we can play football with him when he grows up, take me to him"
"Well he is missing his legs too"
"Then I will teach him how to read and we will be reading together. Where is he!"
"Well, that is not all. He is missing his eyes. To tell you the truth it is just an ear" Hands the ear to the father.
"Son! Can you hear me, son?!"
"No need to yell, it is deaf."

God wants to choose a people to be their deity, so he goes around the world and shows each nation the Tablets of Stone to explain his rules to them.
He goes to the French, but they don't agree to "Thou shalt not commit adultery".
He goes to the Arabs, but they don't agree to "Thou shalt not kill".
He goes to the Romanians, but they don't agree to "Thou shalt not steal".
He goes to the Jews, and they ask him how much the tablets cost. He tells them "It's free". They say "Free? We'll take two!".

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
BUMP
BUMP
BUMP
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP
clappity-BUMP
clappity-BUMP
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
The coffin stops

God gave women yeast infections so that they would know what it was like living with an irritating cunt for once.

A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."
>>
No. 48479
>>48443
So what is the first image rooting for? Strict immigration law social democracy?
>>
No. 48482 Kontra
64 kB, 1000 × 500
>>48479
That's unironically exactly what some form of Socialist policy is gonna end up looking like. I kinda get the impression that most of these retards are just so high on the neoliberal reactionary koolaide they don't even understand like 90% of the shit they hate is directly or at minimum indirectly due to Capitalism, because they literally don't even understand what "globalism" or "neoliberalism" means and got convinced to call everything they hate "Marxist." We seriously have a cop chief here who got fired after encouraging people on social media to rise up and commit acts of violence against average people and "Marxist organizations like the FBI and CIA." I shit you not

https://harrisondaily.com/free/marshall-police-chief-out-after-hate-filled-social-media-posts/article_07937368-2202-11eb-9aa3-f31537c6f689.html
>“Hang all these Marxist Democrats now,” the post said. “The FBI and CIA are Marxist organizations working to overthrow the Republic.”
https://www.news.com.au/technology/online/social/arkansas-police-chief-reported-to-fbi-resigns-over-parler-posts/news-story/54bd9eb88d9acc9e9421176b0cd58e5d
I think that there is a certain deeply woven irony to the fact that the feds literally spent the Cold War trying to undermine and destroy every vestige of leftism while empowering or overlooking most reactionary movements to such a degree that you now literally have boomer police chiefs out there ranting about the feds being "Marxist organizations" while themselves basically advocating for the overthrow of democracy, which is a lot of what's going on right now basically "my votes should count more than theirs" etc. The problem of course is that most of these people are abject tile painters so not a shred of the irony is ever going to dawn on them, particularly the fact that a good number of them are essentially Marxists and forms of Socialist agitators in all but name with the sole exception being their blatant racism. Do note that the extra layer of irony here is that the elites took all this time and effort to divide and rule by identity politics and busting organizations like Black Panthers and also MLK Jr. but while also trying to neuter and divert that energy into either crass consumerism or impotent idpol movements.

I think that you would actually have to have a competent grasp on my country's real history particularly in the previous decades to really understand how funny that is and what is going on right now, which is only aided by the fact the Democrats likewise became a bunch of sellouts to the big corporations and are regarded as effete latte sipping tranny enablers and bourgeois idpol whiners which is precisely why that proletariet has meanwhile effectively become the coopted lapdogs of their Republican masters who report to exactly the same corporate shot callers all of whom have realized since long ago how easily exploited these very same people are into their own debt bondage and chains. My father often remarked how dumbfounded he was by one mate who was a lifelong union guy but who was rabidly pro-Reagan and didn't seem to understand that Reagan was actively a union buster, and that part of the modus operandi has always been flooding the country with cheaper immigrant scabs when the labor cannot be outsourced, which is exactly what's going on in that pic but which also I doubt the author of Stonetoss is self aware about, although to his credit he at least has some dim awareness that it's the same now as it was 40 years ago which is you just give the bydlo enough feel good language and tell them they're under attack and you can not only rob them blind but have them offer the other pocket to empty out.

So tl;dr in effect if these people didn't have their race blinders on and had they broken free of the yoke of their Zionist Evangelical propagandists they would effectively become Marxists or bordering on Marxists.
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No. 48483
Rabinovich calls Pamyat headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent:
"Tell me, is it true that Jews sold out Russia?"
"Yes, of course it's true, Kike-schnabel!"
"Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?"

On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!"
"How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?"
"See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse."

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
They all laugh because they´re drunk as hell

Erich Honecker makes a promenade in Rostock harbour. He notices 3 anchored ships loaded with tradegoods
"Where this ship goes to?" he asks the sailor of the first ship.
"To Mozambik with load of furniture. And we bring back shipfull of bananas."
"Nice, comrade, proceed!"
"Where this ship sails to?" to the second ship's sailor.
"We bring party of Trabants to Cuba and bring load of coffee back."
"Very well, comrade. Go on."
Finally he comes to the last ship
"Where do you sail, Genosse?"
"We bring Cuban coffee and Mosambique bananas to Leningrad."
"Well, but what do you come back with?"
"With train, as usually."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from England."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Bula is asked by the teacher to draw a pig on the chalkboard. He goes up, draws a round head with a snout and ears, four stick-line legs, a curly tail, and sits down. "Well, that's very good Bula, but what about the body?" "The body? Ahh, well you didn't tell me to draw a pig for export..."

Bulgarian Dima goes to Bucharest for a visit. He comes back, visibly shaken. "How was it?" "Horrifying. I didn't feel safe at all." "Why?" "Everywhere I went there were Romanians walking around holding metal rods, asking each other 'Did you get the Bulgarians? Did you get the Bulgarians?'"
(The rods were antennas, used to watch Bulgarian TV, since Romanian TV programming was heavily limited.)

An elderly couple is sitting in their apartment during one of Bucharest's 1980s power outages, huddled over a little candle. Suddenly the old man says to the woman: "You know, if we had some food right now, this would be just like during the war."

Fisherman walks along the river and sees another fisherman who stands waist-deep in the water with a fishing rod. He shouts to him:
"Something caught?"
The second: "Shhh!"
"What's going on?"
"Catfish" - second fisherman shows on the water in front of himself.
"Bites?"
"No. Sucks."

CIA, MI6 and KGB are having friendly competition to determine who is better, first they let rabbit into the huge forest and then see who can catch it faster.
CIA goes first. They call in helicopters, use shitloads of different devices, scan forest quadrant by quadrant and are able to catch the rabbit in three hours.
Then MI6 goes, they send a couple of agents into the woods, agents gather clues and are able to track and catch the rabbit in two hours.
Finally it's KGB turn, five really drunk operatives disappear in the forrest, in a little under an hour they show up with a bear on the leash who screams loudly "I'm a rabbit! I confess!"

A man enters the pub and orders bottle of whiskey. After finishing the whole bottle and being completely wasted he falls asleep in a wood on his way home. Unfortunately a homosexual gentleman comes across him. He decides to misuse man's unconsiouousness and has an intercorse with him.
The next day the same man comes to the same pub and again orders bottle of whiskey. He is drunk again and falls asleep on the same spot. And the story repeats itself (including the gayrape part).
On the third day the man as earlier visits the pub. He comes to a barman who asks him "Whiskey as usually?"
The guy answers:"No, better give me a bottle of vodka. After your whiskey my ass hurts really badly!"

German, Hindu and Russian come to hell. Before entering the hellgates the Devil speaks to them "I give a chance for every soul coming here to get to heaven. If any of you can stand three whips of my burning scourge without scream, he would be free to go."
The German comes forth first. "Wherewith do you want to defend yourself?" asks the Devil. German ponders for a moment, then answers "With stone" and grabs a huge piece of granit. The Devil strikes once and the stone comes asunder, strikes again and German screams for pain. The Hindu is next. the Devil:"Choose your defence" He answers "i don't need anything, i used to meditate on the nails for years. I am not pain perceptive anymore." The Devil strikes once, twice - the man doesn't seem to care. After the third whip, Devil impressed to him:"Alright, you can go now" "Wait i only want to see how Russian will do". Devil to Russian "With what do you wish to protect yourself?" "With Hindu, obviously"

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:
1st I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd my family must never know.
3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"
>>
No. 48484 Kontra
I would like to state that I don't like Stonetoss for he is usually a huge moron, but blind chicken and broken clock etc.
I don't know what he wants to say with that cartoon, but for me it nicely illustrates the modern left who, in their fight for NO BORDERS NO NATIONS only play into the hands of the very globalist capitalists they originally fought against. Only a few years ago anti-gobalization was a left position, but I am under the impression it's losing its importance.

My boss (who is German) had the audacity to tell me there is no 'I' in 'team'.
However, he got quite upset when I casually pointed out that there is a 'U' in 'holocaust'...

A man is swimming in a lake.
Once he starts to get out, he feels that someone grabs him by his balls, and a heavy voice asks:
  • Two more or two less?
He thinks that the more the better, and says "more".
The thing that grabbed him disappears, he gets ashore and realizes he has four balls instead of two.
He thinks that this is weird but not a big deal, he'll swim once again and will get back to normal.
He swims again, tries to get out of the water, but something grabs him by the balls and asks with a heavy voice:
  • Four more or four less?

Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia:
Don't think.
If you think, then don't speak.
If you think and speak, then don't write.
If you think, speak and write, then don't sign.
If you think, speak, write and sign, then don't be surprised.

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There are two of them."

Jew goes to a swing. He flirts with many women and fuck them in all ways. In the middle he ends up getting ass fucked by a man.
The following day Jew feels acute and constant remorse of the orgy and goes to Synagogue to confess with the rabbi and get forgiveness.
Jew explains his swinger night:
  • I drank alcohol, had sex with many women but at the end I was butt fucked.
Rabbi says it is very serious and if Jew wants to be forgiven he must come the next day with $15,000 to the Synagogue.
Jew leaves the Synagogue happy for having found the solution, but worried about the forgiveness price. On his way he passes by a Catholic church.
Jew reflects that despite not being his religion, perhaps he can get a cheaper divine pardon.
He enters and talks to the father:
  • Swinger night... alcohol... sex many women... buttraped at the end.
Father says don't worry, shit happens, and despite not being catholic he can help the parish with $8,500 in exchange for the pardon.
Jew leaves Catholic church, happy for having found a cheaper alternative.
Still much money to pay. He walks by a voodoo yard. He enters it, tells the story to the shaman and he replies it's all right, all Jew need to do is help with $1,000, bring a dead chicken, a rum bottle and his body will be "closed" again. Jew gets even happier.
When Jew is on his way to the market to buy the dead chicken and rum he walks by a Mosque and gets tempted to see how much they would charge. So he enters, talks to Iman and explain the situation.
Iman listens him very carefully and says if Jew wants forgiveness he must come back the next day with soft drink, cake, cookies, sweets and candies. Jew is surprised and is happy because he found the cheapest way to obtain divine forgiveness, so he asks the Iman:
  • This is all I have to do? You aren't forgetting anything?
Iman replies:
  • Absolutely! You're right. Nothing more is needed. Every time Jew takes up in the ass we make party.

-What is the worst word starting with N and ending with R you could call a black person?
-Neighbour
>>
No. 48491
>>48483
>"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
lol
this was a good one
>>
No. 48493
Good thread.
>>
No. 48494
God is visiting hell; He asks Satan about the three kettles in the corner.
The first one is closed - Jews inside. If one'd get away he would get all the others out.
The second one is open but it lacks the laddle - Russians inside. The first Russian to escape also removed the laddle so that no other Russian could escape.
The third kettle is open and it does have a laddle. God is puzzled:"is it empty?" "Nein, mein Fuehrer, I have asked the Germans to stay inside."

I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him. His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight cunt.

A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news. They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be stupid enough to jump twice."

Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover.
He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him!
Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed!
Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party.
As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!

A Jew was sitting on a bench in a park in Saint Petersburg. The Jew read aloud from a book in Hebrew. A KGB agent came up to him and asked him why he was reading aloud in Hebrew? The Jew answered that Hebrew is spoken in Heaven so he has to learn it in order to communicate after death. The KGB agent asked him what he would do if he was sent to Hell instead of Heaven? The Jew replied that he already knows Russian.

Georgian, Ukrainian and Jew got to jail. Georgian got a parcel of salo. He ate most of it, so the only one piece left. Georgian thinks to himself: "I will give this salo to someone and then gayrape him for that." So he offers the salo to jew. But the jew is sly and thinks "So I'll take the salo, and then he will gayrape me for it" "No, I don't want it" he says. Then Georgian goes to Ukrainian and offers him salo as well. Ukrainian thinks: "I'll take the salo, and then he will gayrape me for it. But on the other hand, I eat the salo, my powers will rise, so I will fight him back somehow" He accepts the salo and eats it. Then Georgian comes to him and asks "Have you eat the salo?" "Yes I have" "Have your powers risen?" "Yes" "So hold the Jew, we will gayrape him"

Russian and pig sit in forest. They're eating borschtsch from big pot. Suddenly, a Wojak passes by. But it's not chubby Wojak, it's a slim Wojak. The Wojak says: "I are very hungry. I not make eatings for long time. Please, can I eat the borschtsch, too?" Pig thinks for a while, then pig replies: "Yes, of course!" Then everyone is eating borschtsch and they all had feeling of friendship.
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No. 48513
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin's in Poland."

"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."

-Why is Capitalism standing on the brink of oblivion?
  • Looking at Communism down there

An NKVD major dragged a bound man in front of Stalin. He proclaimed "We arrested this man for treason!" Stalin replied "What did he do?"
"He was saying: "Damn that mustached bastard for ruining the country!"" the major answered with a hint of pride in his voice. Stalin gave this some thought for a moment then ask the prisoner "Is that so? And who did you mean by that, comrade?"
The chained man lifted his battered head and managed to say "Naturally I meant Hitler, comrade Stalin!" "Ah," said Stalin... "And who did you mean, comrade major?"

Everyone had a job, but nobody did anything.
Nobody did anything, but the Production Plan was fullfiled 104-110% all the time.
The Production Plan was fullfiled 104-110%, but the shops were empty.
The shops were empty, but everybody had everything.
Everybody had everything, but still stole from work.
Everybody stole from work, but there was still plenty where it came from.
There was still plenty where it came from, but everybody was dissatisfied.
Everybody was dissatisfied, but there were not any work strikes.
There were not any work strikes, but nobody did anything.

A man drives a girl from the village to town, stops by the forest, gets out of car, delves into the engine and then says:
-That's it, engine got broken, we'll have to spend the night here
Her:
-Listen, uncle, maybe we'll quickly spend the night and move on?

Socialism, capitalism and communism want to meet. Communism and capitalism are there on time, but socialism is not there. Half an hour later he comes. „Sorry, I had to queue for eggs“.
Capitalism: “What is queue?“
Communism: „What is eggs?“

Man got lost in the forest. Wanders around and screams with all his might
-AAAAAAUUUUUUUU
A bear appears, comes up to him and asks
-What are you screaming for?
-Damn, i got lost, i needed someone to hear me
-I heard you, are you relieved?

A Russian couple arrived in Israel and after a while they ran out of money. The wife went to work in prostitution and one day she came home with 312.5 NIS. The husband asked her: "Who gave you that half Shekel" and the wife answered him: "Each and every man I had sex with".

To test the nutritional value of corn Krushchev summoned a Russian, a Ukrainian and a Jew and ordered them to eat nothing but corn for three months.
At the end of this period they were brought to Krushchev again to be weighed. The Russian had lost twenty kilograms, the Ukrainian ten, whereas the Jew had gained five.
Krushchev was overjoyed: 'Well, Comrade Rabinovich, tell us how you did it!'
'Quite simple, Comrade Krushchev. I filtered the corn through chickens.'

The Japanese have stolen the blueprints for an advanced Russian battle tank. They assemble it, and it turns out to be a fighter plane. They disassemble it, check the blueprints, and assemble it again. Still fighter. They kidnap a Russian engineer and tell him: "We'll give you citizenship, total protection from KGB, huge reward, anything you want, but we want a tank and it's a damn fighter!" The engineer takes the blueprints, looks at them for a minute and calls his Japanese colleagues to come closer. "Did you even read this? See, a footnote: after assembly, remove excess material with a rasp."

Hen-party, talks...
-Oh, girls, i discovered such a great position, called rodeo...
-What is it?
-You mount a guy and then tell you've got syphilis... Now you just need to hold on.

-Rabinovich, what is luck?
-Luck is to live in our socialist father land.
-And what is bad luck?
-Bad luck is to have such a luck.

-rabinovich, are you member of the party?
-no i am its brain!

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank
In capitalist America, bank robs you

Evening news: Today a peaceful agricultural tractor was attacked by NATO while trasporting the autumn harvest near the border. Outraged by this act of capitalis treachery, the tractor driver, Second Leutenant Popov, fired two anti-air rockets at the foreign dogs, turned on the rocket engine and entered the geostationary orbit. The peaceful Kolhoz Predsedatel, Colonel Sobakin, stated that "If these acts of agression will continue, we will deploy heavy combine-harvesters."

Wife of a wealthy russian in tears runs into the police office.
-Find my husband, i can't live without him!
-When did he disappear?
-Ten days ago
-But why do you reveal it only just now?
-I ran out of money!
>>
No. 48516
Three party bosses go to the local kindergarten for the future workes for the mother land, to conduct some propaganda.
They enter and scream to the kids:
„KIDS! Which country has the best toys?“
The kids respond „The soviet union!“
„Which country has the best ice cream?“
„The soviet union!“
„What is the best plave on earth for children?“
„The soviet union!“
One of the party leaders notices small girl that sits on floor and cries.
He asks her „Why are you crying, little girl?“
„I wish I lived in the soviet union...“

1917, Russia. Lenin has an announcement:
"Comrades, we have to pospone the revolution"
"But why?" ask the workers.
"Because comrade Dzerzhinsky went fishing"
"Can't we do it without him?"
"We can but we need Aurora"

Son asks his father:
"What is this socialism?"
"You see son, there was once this great man, actually he was pretty short and his name was Lenin. Although his name wasn't Lenin but Uľjanov and he had this friend. Well, it wasn't really a friend but a real asshole and his name was Stalin. Actually, his name was Džugašvili and they made the Great October Socialist Revolution. It wasn't really a revolution, it was more like a coup and it didn't happen in October but in November."
"What a Bordell!"
"See? Now you understand it"

I was a manager in a big factory. My coffee was made by a hot secretary, I drove Tatra 613 to work. Once they came to me to ask for 1000,- for a funeral of some member of the Central Committee. I told them that for 1000,- I would bury the whole Committee. They demoted me to a smaller factory. My coffee was made by an old secretary, I drove Tatra 603 to work. Once they complained that I missed the last Communist party meeting. I told them that had I known it was the last one, I would have come with banners. They demoted me again and I worked as an artisan, I drove my own old car to work and had to make my own coffee. I had a picture of Husák and Lollobrigida hanging on my wall. Once they told me to take the whore down so I took down Husák. After that I worked as a regular worker. I had to ride my bike to work and bring coffee in a thermos. Once they came to me and said to put my bike elsewhere because the Soviet delegation would be passing. So I told them not to worry since I had locked my bike. Now I'm unemployed.

A big day at soviet school. The teacher: "Children, today you will meet a veteran of the Civil War who witnessed red general Chapaev's heroic death!" So, everybody is very excited, and finally and old guy comes in and starts telling his story:
  • Well, kids, there I was, lying on the river bank behind a machine gun, and then General baron Wrangel himself says "Hey, yesaul, look, Chapaev the red bitch himself swimming over there!" "Oh" - i replied - "Yes, Your Highness, I see the motherfucker". And that was the end of Chapaev.

Old veteran tells his story to elementary school kids: "And then we got encircled! On the right - GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, on the left - BLOODY FUCKING HELL..." - the teacher stops him - "What are you talking about, these're just kids" – "JUST KIDS? FUCKING FASHISTS!!!"

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka"

How can you triple the value of a Trabant?
put a banana in the backseat

Khruschev was busy denouncing Stalin at a public meeting when a voice shouted out If you feel this way now, why didn't you say so then?'' To which the Soviet leader thundered Who said that?'' There was a long and petrified silence which Khruschev finally broke. ``Now you know why.''

John F Kennedy is on a visit in GDR.
He says to Walter Ulbricht"I have a hobby,i collect all the jokes the people make about me"
Ulbricht says"I've a quite similar hobby,i collect all people that make jokes about me"

Tito is visiting the nail factoy
So he asks some random worker; how many nails can you make in one day? Worker says 1000. Tito: this is a disgrace! I can make 100 000. So tito take's his tools and starts to woork... at the end of day, Tito is worn down but he menaged to make 100 000 nails and he fulfiled producion plans by 150%.
Satisfied, he turns to that worker and says; 'That is a way to do it', but worker corresponds; 'yes comrade tito, but you are turner, I am college professor'

Anatomy exam in Soviet university. Professor points to a skeleton and asks what it is. Student does not know.
  • "What have you been learning here for last two years!"
  • "Oh, so this is what Lenin looks like?"

Museum of the Revolution. "This, kids, is a genuine skeleton of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, placed here after he died. And this is a genuine skeleton of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin when he was 12 years old"

A man in Russia saves up all his money to buy a car. It takes him years. Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Lada dealer. He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car. Salesman: You can collect it in 1998.
Buyer: What month?
Salesman: April..
Buyer: What date?
Salesman: The 22nd.
Buyer: Morning or Afternoon?
Salesman: (getting annoyed) What difference does it make, it's 5 years away.
Buyer: But the plumber is coming in the morning...

The Soviets decide to make a giant computer to calculate how far they are from communism.
Making the machine was hard, but it got done and the soviet scientist feed the super computer with the question.
It takes three long years, but the super computer finally reaches a conclusion and prints out a memo saying "23 kilometres".
The Soviet scientist are shocked, their computer is a failure, they will all probably be sent to the GULAGs. In desperation they ask their computer what the meaning of this is.
The computer starts processing and 3 minutes later another memo pops out which says; "Comrade Brezhnev told us that each Five-Year Plan would bring us one step closer to Communism."
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No. 48517
One man went to Africa on vacation and found wounded elephant. He treated his wound and removed a spear from his leg. Many years later man visits Moscow circus to see the show. Suddenly one elephant stops obeying orders of animal trainer, walks up to the man, grabs him with trunk and smashes him into the ground to death. It wasn't the same elephant.

Woman with her lover in bed. Suddenly she hear door open, it is her husband. She starts to pray "Oh, God! Please make it so he does not know!!". Voice from heaven answers "Okay, buy you die on water". Two years later she enjoys a cruise on luxury liner, and it starts to sink. She starts to pray again "Oh, God! You will not kill all those good people with me ? Will you ?". Angry voice from the heaven answers: "I WAS GATHERING YOU WHORES FOR TWO YEARS ALREADY!"

A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone... so terribly alone.

An Estonian is sitting in a bar staring at his drink. After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him. He picks up the man’s drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying. ‘Don’t take it like that,’ says the regular. ‘It was a joke. I’ll buy you another one.’ ‘It’s not just that,’ replies the Estonian. ‘This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I was fired from potato farm, when I leave the farm, I find my cart had been stolen. I walk 60 miles home but leave my only coat at work. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with a soldier. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I’ve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison…’

Moisha, visiting his old friend Avraam found a golden water-closet in Avraam's toilet. And when moisha returned to his house he said to his wife:
  • Sara, do you realise that Avraam is so rich that he has a golden closet? You must look at it! It is incredible!
Next day, Sara knocked the door of avraams house, his wife Maria opened the door, and when she saw Sara, she shouted to her husband:
  • Avraam, here came the wife of that degenerate who shited in your trumpet yesterday!

Russia, Germany and England comes to the bar.
England orders a tea:
  • That tea is awful!
and throws the cup out of the window.
Germany orders a beer:
  • That beer is awful!
and throws the glass out of the window.
Then Russia says:
  • That life is awful!
And throws out of the window.

-How does a German eat mussels
-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ... AUFMACHEN!!!

-What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
-A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

-Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
-Germans like to march in the shade.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be -- Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.

Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!

-How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
-They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

-What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
-Only the first one can make you smile.

-Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
-The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!

-How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?
-About 25000 if you've got a shovel

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

-Have you heard about the new German microwave ?
-It's got ten seats inside.

-Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
-They give them gas.

-What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
-A Beaner-Schnitzel

"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

-Knock Knock
-Who's there?
-Gestapo
-Gestapo who?
-Vee vill ask ze Questions!

After WWII the teacher asks the children what they did during the war to help the Army. Mashenka raises her hand and says: "I helped to locate and rescue wounded soldiers under enemy fire." The teacher praises "Very good, Mashenka, very good!" Petenka raises his hand as well and says: "I went to the enemy territory with our reconnaissance fighters." "That's very brave! What about you, Vovochka?" He answers reluctantly "I carried projectiles to gunners..." "That's good, Vovochka! What did they say to you?" "Sehr gut, Woldemar, danke!"
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No. 48520
What is Russian business?
To steal a box of vodka, vodka sold, the money on drink.

A medieval Polish farmer finds a magic lamp while plowing and asks the genie to have the Mongols invade and sack Poland then go home three times. After granting the wishes, the genie asks why he wished such harm on his country. The Pole answered: "For them to devastate Poland thrice, they had to go through Russia six times".

Medvedev, Malmsteen, Jay-Z, Bushido and Pauk fly by plane. The plane starts to fall, but there are only four parachutes. Medvedev says: "I am important, Russia needs me" - he takes one and jumps. Yngwie says: "I am the best guitar player in the world, I must live" - takes one and jumps. Pauk: "Rap is, kinda, shit, for example" so he takes two and jumps.

Toward the end of WW2, a Hitler-Youth conscript is about to shoot a Polish priest, when suddenly the image of god himself appears and says:
"While I cannot stop you, I beg you not to kill this man for he will one day be the Pope."
The German replies: "well maybe, what will you give me in return?"
God says:
"You can be pope after him"

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it's the other way around.

Asks a rabbi a man on the street "excuse me, can you tell me where the synagoge is?", the man answers "yes, it's in the Florastraße, just a few blocks in-" the rabbi interupts shocked "isnt this just across from the whorehouse?", the man calms the rabbi and says "no no, the whorehouse is at the richradplatz, probably a kilometer in the opposite direction!" pleased the rabbi says "thanks"

Two jews arguing:
-Black is not a color.
-Black is a color.
-No it isn't.
-Yes it is.
-Let's ask rabbi.
They go to synagogue.
-Rabbi, please solve our argument, tell us is black a color or not.
-I must ask God, read Torah, come tomorrow.
They come next day.
-So, what did God say, rabbi?
-I read Torah, asked God and answer is - yes, black is a color.
They come out of the synagogue, but argument continues.
-Okay than, but white is not a color.
-white is a color.
-No it isn't.
-Yes it is.
-Let's ask rabbi.
They go to synagogue.
-Rabbi, please solve our argument, tell us is white a color or not.
-I must ask God, read Torah, come tomorrow.
They come next day.
-So, what did God say, rabbi?
-I read Torah, asked God and answer is - yes, white is a color, too.
They come out of the synagogue.
-See, I sold you full color TV, not monochrome.

  • Lord, well, ten - that's a lot! Let's remove a couple. Well, though, would be this: "Do not commit adultery."
  • Moses! Do not bargain!
  • What? Where it says - do no bargain?!

Israeli high school students take a class trip to Germany. While driving across Bavaria their bus gets a flat tire.
The driver goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks if der Bauer could help him:
"Hello, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was driving a bus full of Israelis to see the concentration camp at Dachau and we got a flat tire. Could you help?"
Says the farmer: "I'll tell the wife to turn on the oven"

A Jew came to the rabbi and says,
  • Rabbi, I have a big problem: the son was converted to Christianity. What to do?
  • Come back tomorrow, I'll consult with God.
The next day:
  • Rabbi, what God said?
  • He said that he had the same problem.

A huge man barges in to a bar and shouts: "Which one of you is Hasan?"
A guy stands up and says "I am!"
The huge guy beats the living shit out of him and leaves without saying a word. The other guy crawls up to his table and starts laughing like crazy, tears coming out of his eyes. The other people surround him and say "What the hell? He beat you to a pulp and you're laughing?"
He barely manages to give an answer: "I fooled him, my name isn't Hasan!"

One billionaire was asked how he made his fortune, the fact being known that he was flat broke when he was young. He told this story: he was once wandering the streets hungry and with only 10 cents in his pockets. Saw someone selling some rather unattractive looking apples for 10 cents a piece. He bought one apple and as he was about to eat it, he got an idea. Polished the apple and as it was now much better presenting, he was able to sell it for 20 cents. Which he then used to buy two apples, which he polished and sold for 40 cents. Which he used to buy four apples, earning 80 cents, buying eight apples... and then his childless uncle died and left him a billion dollars.

A hunchbacked man walks through the cemetery late at night, suddenly otherwordly voice stops him: -Man, hey Man, are you hunchbacked? -Yes such is my problem -No, Man, you are not humpbacked! Man wondered and returned home, looks at himself - there is no hunch. He goes drinking with neighbor as tell him everything. And neighbor was limping from birth. You never can tell, i should try also, he thinks. He arrives at the cemetery at night, walks through and the same voice is speaking: -Man, are you hunchbacked? -No, i'm not hunchbacked -No, Man, you are hunchbacked.
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No. 48521 Kontra
These were the last jokes, I'm done. Hope you enjoyed some of them.
>>
No. 48522
>>48521
I did at least. Thanks.
>>
No. 48523
I saved these from kc too. Probably not Latvian all of them but that is how they were posted.

Joke:
Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know.

Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Joke:
Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!

Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.

Q: what is happening if you cross Latvian and potato?
A: this is cruel joke. please, no more.

Joke:
Why is Latvian throw clock out window? Will be no appointments anymore, only endure til death.

Joke:
Man is wait bread line. Wait until starve. Is very funny, yes!

Latvian Nursery rhyme..:

one potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato..
soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end.

Joke:
A fishmonger says to a bootblack, “Are there any more potato left?” Bootblack says, “Yes, one. But it has gone bad.” The fishmonger says, “I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill.” And bootblack says, “I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend.”

Joke:
How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?
Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.

Joke:
Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

Joke:
Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma.
Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”

Joke:
Before you judge a Ukranian, walk a kilometer in his shoes. After that who care? He a kilometer away and you have his shoes. The end.

Joke:
A Latvian walks into a bar
He suffers permanent brain damage from the impact and becomes a burden on his family

Joke:
Two Latvian look at clouds. One see potato. Other see impossible dream.

Is same cloud.

Joke:
Potato walk into bar. All in bar have surprise at potato. One man jump potato and eat. Realize is actually dog. All realize was illusion from hunger. Is sad time for all.

Joke:
Latvian man go to doctor. 'Doctor doctor I have tumor growth in brain'. But Doctor dead due to poor health care infrastructure and no money for potato. Also man's tumor inoperable.

Joke:
Man see tree with beautiful leaf greens. Man say 'hooray, great symbol hope times ahead' But is not tree, is dead body. Man hallucinating due to malnutrition.

Joke:
Two Latvians are argue over wodka. One say, "For wodka, I give you daughter." Friend is say OK. Deal is struck. But he is surprise! She deformed by malnutrition.

Joke:
Why is Latvian throw clock out window? Will be no appointments anymore, only endure til death.

Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

Joke:
Latvian chase by politburo military off cliff. He hang by branch and see potato grow on branch. He reach for potato, but fall of cliff. Such is life.

Joke:
One day, Latvian scientist claim to make growing of potato faster and easier. Next day is hanged for insanity.

Joke:
Two Latvians in woods chased by bear. First Latvian cannot run is too hungry. Second Latvian is eaten by bear. First Latvian is relieved, but is eaten by bear as well. The bear represents the Cossacks.

Joke:
Farmer hear of farmer with many potato. Farmer gets knife to kills farmer to steal potato. Farmer stabs farmer but knife is blunt. Suffering continues.
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No. 48525
125 kB, 700 × 821
>>48521
:DDDD

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help, and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay,” says the rabbi to the husband, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “Schmuck, that’s the way you wave a towel!”