When I was 31, I met my Dad's cousin at my grandfathers funeral. He pretty much hired me on the spot because he needed a programmer, on the condition that I would finish my degree while working. I did so. It was tough, but I managed. This gave me some confidence. I thought "well, maybe I'm not some useless piece of shit, anyway." After 18 months of me working in the company, I met a female colleague who was in the process of being fired, although I didn't know it. A few weeks later, she messaged me on facebook, out of sheer boredom. I took my chances and asked her out, she agreed, and I was surprised, more than surprised. 1 week later, she was the first woman I kissed, at a point when I could not have imagined this ever happening.
2 weeks later, we were a couple. That's how I had my first girlfriend at 33. It felt like I had finally gotten my life under control. I had my own place, I kept it clean. I earned money. I had a girlfriend who seemingly loved me. For the first time ever, life was not crap for me. Which I took as a sign of not being as worthless as people had thought.
Things went well for a while, until they did not. I knew I was not good enough for her, but I tried. I could clearly tell, that sometimes, being me just was not enough. She wanted me to be more manly, like her exes were, a mechanic and a fireman. She wanted me to make more money. She wanted me to get a better job. She wanted me to get a PhD. And every minute I spent with her became like an exam where I had to be pass. The more nervous I became, the more often I failed. Once again, the fucking PUAs were right. It really is like they say, she shit-tested me.
One time, she told me
>I try not to make comparisons between you and my exes
Which means she bloody well did compare and I failed.
During a vacation, she dumped my sorry scrawny ass. "I very much like you as a person", which fucking means I am no good as a man. I am a god-damn worthless piece of fucking shit, to be precise. Really, how dumb does she think I am for not seeing what she really meant.
I was heart broken more than I can say. I had to travel with my ex-gf to my mom's, where my ex-gf's car was parked. After my ex was gone, my mom shipped me to the doctor. The doctor sent me to the looney-bin, where they hammered a bunch of god-damned fairy-tales into my head about all humans being equal in value, how I could find love if I tried, etc., etc. etc., all those fucking lies they tell people to keep them from offing themselves before retirement or going on a killing spree. In asylums, they are really good at that kind of crap, so I believed their lies for a few short months.
I kept taking my meds for a while, I keep going to work, and I work as hard as I can manage. Every two weeks, I go see my therapist, who tries to hammer the same kind of stupid fairy-tales into my head, like they did in the loony bin.
But that's pretty much all I can manage. My flat is a vile dump full of garbage, I haven't as much as vacuumed or done the dishes in years. I eat straight from the pot, and I clean it as needed. I have no hobbies. On a good day, I manage to watch youtube videos after work. On a bad day, I just fall into bed.
About one year after that breakup, in early 2020, my ex de-friended me on facebook, which fucking hurt. She really wants nothing to do with me anymore. To her, I am less than shit. A few months ago, she changed her profile pic on what's app. I took a closer look, and while her mouth is smiling, her eyes look panicked, insane, and shocked. My first impulse was wanting to call her up and ask her what's wrong. But I resisted. I knew she would not want to talk to me, so I did not. Today, I took a closer look at her profile pic. Right at the fringe, I can see part of a fleshy-red ear and the jaw-line of a man. Of course, he has a fucking manly jaw. Really, you can draw a vertical line along his fleshy-red ear, and its extension will hit his fucking jaw. That freak of nature has to be made from pure testosterone. And what do I have? I have this weak sorry excuse of a jaw, like I fail at every-fucking-thing.
It was always obvious to me that she would find someone else, and I would not. Still, now that I am certain it happened, it's even worse than I thought it would be. Much worse.
I wish I was able to beat out every tooth from his face. For all I know, they might now have children. If they have children, I want to smash those bastards heads on a wall and break their skulls open. I want to beat the asshole until he stops moving. I want to kick him until each and every one of his internal organs is a bloody useless mess like they would not even dare to sell at a butcher's shop.
But I fucking can't. Because I am a scrawny, tiny fucking faggot.
I have phantasies of a karate-kid like transformation, but I know this won't become reality. If this was possibly for me, it should have happened two decades ago.So what do I fucking do.
What do I do.